Requested by: idkilldeletethis
Summary:
A hobby is something everyone can have, and it can be almost everything. The fun thing is, how you discover them and realise that you have a talent for something that you may never of pictured yourself doing.
A certain boy finds his talent through several nights of abuse, where he leans that playing the violin may just be the best way for him to express his emotions, without anyone knowing. He decides to keep this hobby going, even after the abuse ends, and actually ends up being way better than he would of ever imagined. But when you're good at something, it can be easy to find even the smallest mistakes to beat yourself up about.
===
"Well..?"
The nervousness in his voice was clear, as he looked at her with an expression showing just how much, that he were actually depending on her answer- she on the other hand, didn't seem at all unsure of what she thought-
"It sounded beautiful Todoroki, I'm sure you'll do well" She clapped her hands together, as she watched his nerves slowly disappear. It was hard to understand how someone could be so good at something, and still beat themselves up about mistakes they didn't do...
"Really? I were sure that I messed up a note or two in the beginning..." Shoto smiled a bit to himself, loving the feeling that his friends words brought him. It was a strange feeling of relief... "I'm sure you'll do good aswell Yaoyorozu. You're a very quick learner as well"
The girl in question just smiled at him, as she gracefully reached out to take the violin from his hands- ready to show him, just how much she practiced.
It was actually surprising how good she had become in a very short amount of time.
'Cause while Shoto had been playing the violin since he were about six years old, Yaoyorozu had only just recently decided to try it out- though under Shoto's guidance ofcouse. He were ofcouse proud of the progress that she had made, and especially took great pride in the honor that she gave him, when she tells him just how great of a teacher that he has been- and still are to her. But it still didn't erase his self-consciousness..
He loved to hear the praise that she gave him, and to see her unfold as she got better and better at what they both loved, but he still couldn't help but feel a bit.. jealous? He's never liked that word.. he never even pictured himself using it in a situation like this... shouldn't he just be happy for his friend?
He always thought like that. 'Cause while he had been playing for several years and were pretty damn good at it, Yaoyorozu had only been playing for a few months and were already at his level, if she hadn't already surpassed him, and while he were proud of her progress, he just couldn't help but constantly blame himself for it.
Was it because he didn't practice enough?
Was it because he were losing talent?
Maybe he were just rusting like some old metal bike... getting worse and worse at what its good at, until it's thrown away like any other used thing...
Maybe he just didn't have a talent after all...
It was thoughts like those that constantly wore him him, which also participated to alot of his own self-destructive thoughts, especially those that revolved around his playing. It was like he couldn't play anything anymore, without having to find some mistake that may never of been there in the first place...
It was like some drug that he desperately needed, and if he couldn't find a flaw, he would just make sure to make one up, so that he could beat himself up about it, and feel like he got better. Sometimes he would even give himself punishments, in hopes that it would teach him some unteachable lesson to fix these 'mistakes' that he's sure that was made.
The punishments he gave himself started small like; playing for an extra hour or having to use more time on his homework instead of spending time with his friends.
But as time went on, and he only grew more insecure for every day that went by, his punishments also worsened, as he didn't deem the previous punishments teachable enough. So instead of playing for an extra hour or two, he would now play for the entire night without a break. Sometimes he even worsened it to the point, where he didn't eat for several days because he didn't deem himself worthy enough, and even sometimes went to great lengths where he forced himself to keep training his quirk in class, even as his body were at the brink of giving out on him- he never let it though, which were probably also the only reason why nobody had stopped him yet...
He likes to think of it as his luck...
"What do you think? Is it enough for our concert?"
Yaoyorozu's voice suddenly caught him off guard, as he found himself zoning out- did he miss her performance?... he really was a bad friend huh?....
Her eyes sparkled as she looked at him, and he forced himself to smile back at her. He didn't hear what she played, but he's sure that it was good... way better than anything he could of performed anyway...
"Yes. It sounded very good, I'm sure its gonna sound even greater at the concert" He could almost feel the acid rising to his throat as he forced himself to lie. He knew that the concert would be good... he knew that she would do good anyway... but would he? He didn't want to lie about hearing her perform, but he knew that it always sounded beautiful whenever she were the one using the violin. So why would that of changed now?
The smile she gave him after, were almost enough for the acid to leave his mouth... almost...
...
Five minutes was all that was left. Five minutes until he would have to perform for the entire UA high school, without anything besides his violin, and a few classmates to stand by his side.
They were going to be playing a song, in which Jirou had wrote herself- much like they did back at the schools first festival. The only difference between this one and the latter, was that they weren't doing this one for anyone's sake. It was more like a stress reliever for all of the students, as the teachers had given them about two weeks off, only to work on their class project, which in class A's case, just happened to be another concert.
And while Shoto was glad that he were going to perform with his classmates this time, instead of being on the special effects team, he still couldn't help but feel an unnerving pressure because of it.
If he hadn't felt insecure enough to begin with, he diffinetely did now.
He even started to feel regret about ever telling his classmates about his violin, just because it only seemed to bring him more stress than he already had, and as if it wasn't bad enough that they found out, they even had him learn Yaoyorozu how to play as well, because they didn't feel like one violin would be enough for their little 'concert'.¨
Not that he cared much about it anyway...
It was more the fact that he could be letting his classmates down by playing a wrong note, that was the thing tipping him over the edge. If he messed up... would it be enough for them to hate him? Despise him even?
The thought alone was enough for him to almost pass out.. or maybe it was his lack of sleep... or dehydration...
When was the last time he drank or ate something?
His stomach growled at him in return, and he suddenly recalled that it may just of been more than two days since he last ate. It should be fine...
"Alright everyone, two minutes to start!"
Ashido suddenly yelled, as she gathered the class around her, while pumping her fist in the air in triumph. Didn't she seem a bit too happy.. or was it just him?
"I just want you all to know, that whatever happens out there, we'll be doing it together" She smiled to encourage, but Shoto only felt the dread that slowly crawled up his back. Doing it together... he could let them all down... "I love you guys! Let's do this!" She yelled again, only to earn a few chuckles and giggles from around the room.
"Isn't it a bit cheesy to say that you love us before our concert?" Kirishima said between chuckles, as he smiled at Ashido.
Why was everyone so happy?... he really didn't get it..
They said a few more things, but he couldn't bring himself to listen. Judging by their smiling faces, he guesses that it may just of been some more sentences to encourage each other... he didn't need that right now...
He didn't know what happened, but suddenly he could feel his legs moving with his classmates', as they neared the entrance to the stage. Was it now? He could distantly see the special effects team, leave towards the upper parts of the stage- ready for their jobs to take place. How he wished that was him right now...
He could of been up there where no one could see him, but instead, he were stuck down here, to play infront of a huge audience. Hundreds of people would be watching him perform, and if he messed up... he might aswell write his will now...
"You ready?" A voice said, and at first he actually thought that the voice were directed at someone else- until he saw Yaoyorozu looking straight at him, from her own spot on the stage, not more than a feet or two away from his. Were she really asking him that? And now of all times?
"I guess..." He could't help but say, as he felt his voice trailing off, followed shortly by his eyes doing the same. He really wanted to get off of here... this would only end badly, he could feel it...
"Oh? Are you not confident today Todoroki?" Her tone of voice caught him off guard, as he turned his head, only to see Yaoyorozu looking at him with a gaze full of worry. Why was she worried though? Her worried demeanor didn't last long, as she suddenly replaced it with a smile instead- probably to encourage him, "My confidence lies with you Todoroki, 'cause I know you'll do your very best. So don't start getting insecure now"
Her words brought a smile to his lips, and he slowly felt his head nodding.
It was nice to know that someone believed in him... but it had just never been enough for him to succeed before... so why should it now?
...
One wrong note was all it took... even as it was barely audible for the people standing right besides him on stage...
His hands shook way too much when they reached the halfway mark of the song, which made his pointer finger slip, and in return creating what he refers to as a terrible screeching noise- even as nobody else heard it that way.
Not even Yaoyorozu, who had been standing right besides him under the entire concert, had heard his so called 'wrong note', because it hadn't been audible unless you're like Todoroki- who took it upon himself to find every mistake and flaw in everything he does, because he doesn't believe that it's possible of him to do something perfect.
The wrong note he made, was enough for him to break down mentally- which caused him to stop playing for the remaining time of the concert. This also caused Yaoyorozu some concern, but noticing that her friend were having a dilemma, she decided not to pester him, and instead took it upon herself to cover for his lost melodi.
Todoroki seemed to go into some sort of trance when he broke down- leaving him unresponsive to everything- even the loud cheering from the crowd when their song ended, which were almost impossible to overhear.
It wasn't until they left the stage, that Todoroki finally realised that he wasn't infront of a crowd anymore, and that he had willingly walked side by side with his classmates off stage. But while it came as quite a shock to him that he had broken down that severely on stage- only one thought was stuck in mind, as it clouded all of his other senses-
He played wrong...
"Good job everyone!" Ashido yelled, as she cheered loudly.
He let them down...
"I'm so proud of you all-"
He let them down again... he always lets the people he care about down...
"- Todoroki?"
... It's always the same...
"Hey- Where are you going?"
His feet moved without his mind, letting him leave his classmate behind, without even realising it, before he had reached his dorm room. It seemed to be the only place where he could get some peace and quiet after a long day...
It wasn't until he had stepped foot inside his dorm, that he felt something warm run down his cheek. Was he bleeding maybe? It seemed odd if that was the case... He slowly let his pointer finger run over it, only to realise that it had been a tear- the transparent liquid only just visible on his finger, before it disappeared into his skin.
Why was he crying?
He knew why, and maybe that was the problem... but he would never be able to tell himself that...
Noticing the one tear, was enough for his eyes to start an entire waterfall- letting his vision blur, as more and more liquid was stored in his tear-glances. When was the last time he had cried like this?
He couldn't even recall it...
Nothing was clear anymore, and it was like no matter how much he wiped at his eyes, the tears just refused to leave. So instead of trying to stop something that he couldn't, he decided to accept it- letting his back slide down the nearest wall as he just sat there, while letting his tears roll free. What was the point? He may as well just let them run until he has none left...
...
He doesn't know how much time passed, but when his eyes had finally cleared a bit, it was like his other senses heightened with his sight- as the sound of, what he guesses is the front door to the dorm building, could be heard opening, followed closely by his classmates' voices.
They were muffled by the floors and walls between him and the common area, but he could still clearly hear the excitement in their voices.
Guess the things Endeavor left in him wasn't completely useless...
The faint sound of yelling could be heard, before it all suddenly seemed to disappear. That was weird? His classmates never quiets down that easily...
He sat confused for a moment- his back still against the wall, as he decided to let his head fall back against it. His eyes hurt slightly from the excessive crying- almost feeling raw as he couldn't seem to push anymore tears out. Atleast his crying had stopped for good now...
His eyes closed for a moment, letting his thoughts take over, before the faint sound of footsteps suddenly echoed through his head- the wall bouncing it right inside his skull. Maybe he shouldn't of sat against the wall after all..
The footsteps got gradually louder and louder, until he realised that they were nearing his dorm room. What did they want? He couldn't even hear who was coming, as nobody had said anything yet, and though his curiosity was screaming at him to open the door and look for himself, he knew that it wasn't an option.
Maybe if he just pretends like he isn't here...-
"Todoroki?" A voice he recognizes a bit too well, suddenly asked from the outside of his door- shortly followed by a few knocks that didn't seem to belong to the voice. How many people were out there?
The voice was surely Midoriya's, but the knocking seemed a bit too restless to belong to him-
Bakugou maybe?
Sero?
He couldn't exactly pinpoint it, but he guesses it doesn't matter anyway, as he doesn't have the slightest intend of opening the door for anyone. He could easily stay in here for a few days without-
"Todoroki please..."
A voice that wasn't Midoriya's suddenly spoke, and the urge he felt to answer it, was far stronger than his will not to- "What is it... Yaoyorozu?..."
His voice spilled a bit of venom, but not nearly as much as when he's angry- all of his classmates knows that..
"Could you open the door please? We just wanna make sure you're alright-" She spoke, but was cut off by a voice he hadn't expected.
"Come on man, we just wanna know what's bothering you. We all had a blast after the concert, but you seemed to have something on your mind" Kirishima...
What would he answer to that?
"I'm fine"
What could he say besides that? He was fine, and after a small punishment, he's sure that everything will be just fine. Maybe he'll even learn from it this time around?
But what should it be? No food.. no sleep... He'll have to think about this one...
"You don't sound fine..." Kirishima's voice than said- though his voice lacked its usual energic tone, making it seem sadder... worried even.
What did he want him to do? It's not like he's going to let them in, no matter what they say... or should he?
Not knowing what to do or say, Todoroki decided to just sit in silence- silently praying that his classmates would just leave him alone.
"Todoroki?... Todoroki...."
Yaoyorozu's voice sounded again, though this time, she used an up-giving tone...
He didn't answer, which soon enough let to the sound of footsteps leaving his door- as they could be heard faintly, walking farther and farther down the hallway. Atleast they left...
That's how he does best after all... alone..
...
The next day, several of his classmates wanted to speak with him- but he just waved them off every time. He didn't need their opinions... What good would they do anyway?
A few of them had pointed out the big bags that he had under his eyes- questions flying all around him, as the concern from his classmates was very prominent, but he refused to answer them. They didn't need to know about his punishment... or about the one he decided on last night, for that matter...
He didn't think that not eating or sleeping would be enough, so he decided to do a mixed up punishment of them all in one. Which meant he would neither sleep, nor eat for atleast Forty-two hours... if that's even enough. And as if you wouldn't think that it was enough, he decided to use the extra hours that he got, to play his violin all night, as well as built up his physical form by training in his own dorm room- and though, what he would be able to do were limited, because of the people living above, under and around him, he still managed to train and play his violin, without anyone questioning it.
The only problem with this though, is that there's only so much your body can take.
The following day just went as the previous, with Shoto constantly waving everyone off, and keeping to himself for the entirety of the day, until he would be able to consume himself in his own dark room at last- where no one could disrupt him... but he weren't quite at that time yet, considering school wasn't over...
"Todoroki? Can you please listen to us?"
A voice- the same from yesterday, that kept asking him questions. What did he want?
He had, had a head ache for a long time now, and having his classmates constantly ask him questions weren't helping at all..
His gaze still didn't leave his desk, which only seemed to irritate his classmate. Why couldn't they just accept that he didn't want them around? He wont get better or learn, if he constantly has someone standing on the sidelines, ready to argue with his every choice... he just needs to learn...
"Alright. That's enough!" He didn't even get time to register what was happening, before Midoriya had pulled him by the collar of his shirt, making him face, what apparently was all of his classmates- currently gathered around his desk.
Why were they here? Why couldn't they just leave...
He wanted to grab Midoriya's hands and pull them away from his collar, but the determination in his green eyes only forced a sigh from his throat. "What do you want?" The venom consuming his voice had intensified in the last two days- as he were starting to feel fed up with all of the questions, that he wouldn't be able to answer either way.
He glared at the green haired boy from out of the corner of his eye, only to get no responds to his obvious try at getting him to leave.
"We want to know how you're doing?" He pestered, and Todoroki were seconds from tearing his hands away, no longer caring for Midoriya's feelings, only for the green haired teen to move them himself. "You've been very distant since the concert and well...." Midoriya seemed to search the people standing behind him for answers, as he trailed off in his own sentence- only to get no responds from anyone.
A sigh left his throat, and for a moment, Todoroki actually felt a bit uneasy. What if it was actually about something serious and he were ruining it? The thought left his mind almost as quickly as it came, when the teen infront of him suddenly spoke again-
"It's just that you seem a bit pale. Have you been taking care of yourself Todoroki?"
The question caught him off guard, but he refused to show it in his features as he realised Midoriya's worried expression. Taking care of himself, huh? He haven't been for several years, but that's something he'll never tell anyone...
"Yeah, I heard some commotion from your room last night, it was very faint but still audible" Sero suddenly spoke. Someone had heard him? Maybe he weren't punishing himself hard enough then... "And to top it off, I think it was around 3 am, when I woke up because of a dry throat and wanted to get something to drink. Why weren't you asleep?"
3 am huh? He really should of been more careful...
"Aren't you sleeping at all?" Yaoyorozu suddenly spoke, which made his head snap towards her. How did she get that..? It's true... but still.. She only looked back at him with a pitiful expression playing her features. How he hated when people took pity upon him...
"It's not like that"
The words were forced from his throat. He hated lying to his classmates, but he didn't want them to worry about him either...
"I've just been practicing on my violin for the past few days, and I guess the time just flew by. I'm sorry if I woke you up though" The last sentence were directed at Sero, while the rest were directed towards the entire class. He just needs them to back off...
"At 3 am?" A voice he hadn't expected to hear, suddenly said- the criticism it contained, not hid well enough for Todoroki's ears.
Bakugou stepped forward from the rest of the crowd- arms crossed infront of his chest as he just looked Todoroki dead in the eye, "Why were you even practicing that late at night when you should be sleeping? I haven't seen you eat anything either since the concert"
Damn Bakugou and his observant nature...
Todoroki's eyes widened only slightly in shock, but it was enough for the class to see a pattern.
"You haven't been eating anything?"
"Have you slept at all?"
Questions flew around him, but he couldn't force anymore words out his throat. He should just of kept his mouth shut to begin with...
His eyes searched his desks surface, as he tried to find some sort of excuse. Did he have any though?
It wasn't until Yaoyorozu spoke again, that his eyes finally looked up, only to be filled with regret- "Is this about the concert? Please tell me it isn't"
The regret he felt were prominent. It wasn't like he had intended to tell her about his insecurity's, but at some point it just slipped... It was a while back, so he had actually hoped that she would of forgotten about it. Not that it was actually anything important he let slip at that time...
"I just tend to find small mistakes everywhere in my playing, and it makes me sort of insecure"
If only he had kept his mouth shut back then...
When he didn't answer to her question, it seemed as though she got the answer anyway- a gentle sigh being the only thing that left her mouth. "It is huh? What did you do wrong?" Her voice were splayed with care, but it wasn't until she placed a hand on his shoulder that he seemed to realise just how much. Should he of told her back then?
His eyes found his desk again, as he mumbled, only for the people closest to him to hear- "I played a wrong note..."
It was too silent, even for him, but it seemed that atleast half of the class heard anyway.
"I didn't hear you play anything wrong though"
"No, you played beautifully, until you suddenly stopped"
Sentences flew around the room, making his stomach drop a tiny bit. They didn't hear...?
"They're right you know?" Yaoyorozu's voice sounded from besides him, but he still didn't look up. "I stood right besides you, but I didn't hear anything either. The only thing I realised was worng, was when you stopped playing all of a sudden, so I decided to cover for you. Is this what has been bugging you?"
How did she?...
His eyes glanced up for a moment, only to be met with a few concerned glances from some of his classmates. He hadn't meant to worry them..
"I'm sorry..."
The words just flew out of him, not giving him a chance to stop them before it was already too late.
"Hey it's fine" Kirishima suddenly said- a low chuckle following close behind. "Just don't beat yourself up about something like this again, it weren't even that big of a mistake. Besides, everyone makes mistakes, you need to accept that, that's what makes you human"
Words of agreement followed from his other classmates, and he suddenly didn't understand why he had been punishing himself to begin with.
He's human... He should be allowed to make mistakes... just like everyone else..
"You're right. Thank you"
===
I'm not really that much of a musician, so I'm sorry if something came out wrong. But hope you enjoyed reading this chapter.
Ps. I just finished watching the anime Free! for like the fifth time this week, and I'm just so hyped about it. Have any of you watched it yet? Either way I'd like to recommend it if you haven't, and if you have any animes to recommend me to watch, I'd really like to know.
Thanks for the support so far :)
28/06/2023 - 08/07/2023