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CHAPTER NINETEEN
yearning the solace
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Lumabas ako ng kotseng pinahiram ni Vienna na suot-suot ang coat ko sa trabaho. Inayos ko ang pagkakadantay nu'n sa balikat ko bago hinawi ang buhok kong tumatabing sa titulo kong nakaukit sa may bandang dibdib.
Solace Cerilla, R. Psy. That's my title, not including the Psy. D. I gained during my years of night classes for that degree.
I took a deep breath then, bago ako naglakad papasok ng puting gusali ng IMI. Stares immediately greeted me as I entered for the second time around.
Gaya ng nauna kong pagpunta rito ay natigilan ang mga nakakakilala sa'kin pero wala kong may pinansin at deretso lang na lumakad sa kung nasa'n ang opisina ni Dr. Selene. Shaunt already told me the directions.
I have an agenda to be fulfilled here. It's been a week or two anyway. Hindi ko na kayang patagalin pa ang kung anumang desisyon ng committee at ni Dr. Selene sa'kin. I can't wait that long and be idle upon achieving my goals.
Nang makarating ako ro'n ay may iilang doktor na kalalabas lang ng opisina niya. Gaya ng iilang nurse ay nagsalubong ang kilay nila habang nakatingin sa ayos ko.
"Dr. Cerilla? What are you doing here? Aren't you under suspension?" Bungad ng doktor na nasa harap ng opisina ni Dr. Selene.
I smiled, "I'm here to revoke that. Would you excuse me, Doc?"
Hindi ko hinintay ang sagot niya't agad lang na kumatok nang tatlong beses bago pumasok. Nadatnan kong nakaupo si Dr. Selene sa upuan niya't nagsusulat ngunit nang iangat niya ang tingin sa'kin ay napatigil siya sa ginagawa.
Ang mata niya'y panandaliang bumaba sa suot-suot ko. Isang ngiti ang sumilay sa labi niya bago niya kinuha ang suot-suot na eyeglasses at inipit 'yun sa pagitan ng dibdib niya.
"What a surprise to see you, Dr. Cerilla. Although, as far as I know, it's just been a week or two ever since I suspended you?" She welcomed me, "Please take a seat."
I followed her gesture. Naupo ako sa harap ng lamesa niya't inilahad ang isang puting envelope. Walang padalos-dalos ang bawat galaw ko.
Isang segundo niyang tinignan ang nilahad ko bago 'yun tinanggap, "What is this?"
"A penance. Another one," I said seriously, "Let me be Antonov's psychotherapist again. I can treat him better than everyone else and you know it, Dr. Canzar, that's why you appointed me despite my low years of experience in the field."
Natigilan siya. Binuksan niya ang looban ng envelope bago siya napatingin sa'kin. There's a slight ghost of amusement in her face and I can't help but feel thrilled at the sight of it.
Knowing Dr. Canzar, she might agree and she may not. You can never decipher her at this kind of situations. She may contrast your expectations and that's what made her connive in the field.
"What's making you go this far, hm?" She thinned her lip as she smiled at me.
I raised my chin, "Because my patient, Doctor Canzar. I was taken out of my contract with him without my acknowledgement. Don't you suppose that it's disrespectful na hindi niyo muna pinaalam sa'kin ang nangyayari o hinintay man lang na magising ako?"
Umangat ang gilid ng labi niya lalo.
"Dr. Cerilla, you were declared as a comatose patient for a week. I can't guarantee that Antonov will remain that sane for so long after killing two people at once. I had no choice but to put him under a different contract, which was agreed upon by the committee. To protect him and to make sure that he will not harm someone else." She replied.
I scoffed, my respect for this institution is really gone. Don't they know that the people that Novan killed are the ones who harmed us?
"We slept beside each other," I crossed my arms, "Two times, Dr. Selene. It happened two times and for the later days before we slept together, he didn't do anything to harm me."
Pansin kong natigilan siya pero hindi ko na pinanood ang iba pa niyang reaksyon. She was just eyeing me like she's seeing something I can't. It felt awkward, of course, but I just let her.
I lied, obviously, as well. Novan almost killed me when we first met. He even chained me! Pero hindi 'yun dahil may mali siya sa pag-iisip. Dahil 'yun sa katotohanang ilang beses na siyang nilooban at tinangkang patayin ng mga pinadalang doktor ng IMI.
Isa pa 'yun sa pinaiimbestigahan ko lalo na't parang walang kaalam-alam si Dr. Canzar do'n. Posibleng may sumasabotahe sa institusyon o 'di kaya ay naaatasang gawin 'yun kapalit ng kung anuman. And I'm sure I'll hunt that person down up the point that they won't make it far from what they're planning.
After all of that, I concluded that nobody can blame Novan for not believing me. It was an initial and nature of a human to doubt after a betrayal and threat, but I swear he's trying to open up. As days constantly passed, he is changing. And I know na konti na lang ang kailangan para tuluyang maging maayos ang tingin niya sa sarili niya.
"You didn't let me show my diagnosis about him or even ask me about it. I waited, Dr. Selene, but it felt like he was a stray dog of this institution." Sabi ko ulit bago humalukipkip.
Tumalim ang tingin ko, "Wala kayong pakialam sakanya. That's my conclusion."
"You don't get to say that, Dr. Cerilla." Madiin at mabilis na sagot ni Dr. Selene.
"If you care about him, you would've known that a couple of the therapists you sent tried to kill him," I silently clenched my teeth, "And then the ones attacking him in the middle of the night. Dapat alam mo 'yun kung may pakiala-."
"What did you just say?" Nalaglag niya ang envelope na hawak.
Gulat niya akong tinignan na animo'y hindi inaasahan ang sinabi ko.
"The therapists you sent tried to kill him. And there are people attacking him in the middle of the night. The ones he killed before he was admitted here are the ones whom you sent to treat him. And the ones he killed are the ones who threatened to kill him first. In our situation, it was self-defense. How can an institution like IMI can't investigate this kind of matters?" I repeated, "Antonov Novan Vitre is getting attacked by the same people you sent to treat him."
Tuluyan siyang natigilan. And there I have my answers.
Maybe she really doesn't know what was happening.
"Antonov never told me that you kne-."
"Because he finds no one trustworthy. He finds it incomprehensible to tell anybody who might harm him as well," I scoffed, "Is the session he's having with Freya developed after I left, Dr. Canzar?"
Napatingin siya sa'kin, "I suggest not cutting me off because I don't like repeating my words. You might regret it later."
Hindi ko siya sinagot. That's nowhere near related to what I said.
"And Antonov never attended the sessions," She groaned, "He never told me either that you knew how many threats he's getting from the doctors I sent and from the people whom he doesn't know."
So... Dr. Selene was able to converse with Novan? I wonder how it went and how Dr. Selene resolved these matters. I'm glad even though I know that Novan wouldn't have told her everything especially kung ano nangyari habang nasa isla kami. I came prepared though. Ako na bahala magpaalam ng mga nangyari kasama na ang rason bakit mas karapat-dapat akong doktor ni Novan.
I smiled proudly, "Open the envelope more. I have my journal there which I got after visiting Glee Sands again. It contains diagnosis and things I did to ease him. You can have it so you can see for yourself who's worthy of being Antonov's doctor."
Tumayo ako, "It was nice negotiating with you, Dr. Canzar. I should leave."
I bowed and turned my back ngunit hindi pa naman ako nakakalayo ay tinawag ulit ako ni Dr. Canzar. Tumigil ako pero hindi lumingon.
"Antonov Novan Vitre was put under Dr. Solomon's care because of a majority vote led by the board..." She spoke, making me stopped halfway from turning on my back, "Which was never my personal decision, by the way. I approved of it though."
Napatingin ulit ako sakanya, salubong ang kilay ko dahil sa sinabi niya pero hindi gaya ng ekspresyon niya kanina ay sumeryoso na ulit ang ekspresyon niya ngayon. Binaba niya rin ang hawak na aparato na galing sa tenga niya.
"However, he is your patient," She clasped her fingers below her chin, "I gave him to you with hopes that he'll get treated. How dare you sulk two weeks ago and not fight back the position I lent you? You really just decided to fight for it now?"
I stiffened. Agad na napaharap ako sakanya't bumalik sa kinauupuan ko kanina.
"What do you mean by that, Dr. Canzar? You suspended me!" I whispered, surprised by her change in demeanors.
Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay, "Do you think I suspended you because of a small ruckus? No. I suspended you to get you out of the public eye and IMI. Hindi pa ako nakabalik ng Austria kakahintay sa'yong magpakita rito pagkatapos ng nangyari."
Halos mapanganga ako ng irapan niya ako. Pinuno ako ng pagtataka. Nakita niya rin 'ata ang ekspresyon ko kaya mabilis siyang tumikhim.
"I knew about the attacks that Novan are receiving, of course. I have an informant from his island. What surprised me is that you also knew about those. Surely, Nigel or Antonov told you?"
"They both did..." Mahina kong sagot.
"That's my answer. They trust you as much as I do," She took a deep breath, "The moment I sent you to treat Antonov, it wasn't to approve your penance. It was to keep you away from here because... a doctor like you doesn't belong in a place where crab mentality exists. That's also why I suspended you. As much as possible, I want to keep you out near here and away from harm. I've always done inexplicable things to keep you protected... even if it means sending you far from here. I gave you small reasons as to why you should be out of here. Haven't you thought of that?"
Keep me away from harm? How can I possibly thought of that amidst the ruckus?!
Hindi-makapaniwala ko siyang tinignan, "Why would you decide for me, Dr. Canzar? Why are you doing this to me?"
She thinned her lip.
"It was a tradition to test future leaders like you in an environment like this. After all, everyone will try to put you down by any means once you sit on a higher throne and my test involves how long you can commit to your goal after or before it happens. Pinadala kita sa Glee Sands para mailayo kita sa mapanuring mata ng mga kapwa no doktor at huwag nila mabahiran ang desisyon kong piliin ka." Aniya.
"I am not stupid. I knew you were sabotaged back when the patient assigned to you died. They noticed that I'm favoring you so they decided to put you down by killing your patient," She sighed heavily, "But you are strong. You told me you can prove yourself. You've shown it. That's where I know I should choose, test, and protect you until I pass on my chair."
Nablangko ang utak ko sa sinabi niya.
"Kaya rin kita sinuspende ay dahil mailayo't maprotektahan kita mula rito at malaman ko mismo hanggang saan ang determinasyon mo. And although, it took you so long, I know that my decision to choose you is still absolute." Dagdag niya pa.
Future leader?
Umawang ang labi ko, "W-what do you mean again?"
It can't be what I'm thinking, but it is a huge possibility. I just can't believe such a conclusion. And I can't register all of that either. Did she perhaps... already choose me as the next Director or Medical Doctor of IMI the moment na pinadala niya ako para gamutin si Novan?
Impossible...
Umangat ulit ang gilid ng labi niya, "You will know soon, Dr. Cerilla. For now, go prove the board that you are a better doctor. Treat Novan even if you have to use illegal ways to get him out of here."
I shrugged her demeanors. Even though I am surprised, hindi ko pinansin ang gulo sa isip na pinapaalam niya at ang kagustuhan niyang mailayo ako rito. Hindi ko alam anong rason niya para gawin 'to at kahit gusto kong malaman ay tila wala ako sa wisyo para unahin ang mga dahilan niya.
"Illegal ways? What are you implying, Dr. Canzar? That I should kidnap him?" I stared at her in disbelief, "You got him admitted here in case you forgot!"
Ngumisi siya, "To kidnap him is an option, Dr. Cerilla. And by the way, I got him admitted here to make sure that he won't go back to his island before he gets treated here by you. So... why don't you try kidnapping him now?"
Halos mawindang ako sa sagot niya. Nawala lang 'yun nang magawa niyang sundan ng tawa ang sinabi, "I am just joking, Dr. Cerilla."
Pagak akong tumawa sa tinuran niya, "Well, Dr. Canzar, in my case, you just gave me an option. That's it. I'll take him. I will take him out even if it means going to jail. He is my patient, after all."
Hindi ko mahinuha ang ekspresyon niya sa sinabi ko. She remained quiet, not caring maybe because she thinks I'm jesting. But by the split second she turned her swivel chair on me, a feat she discreetly showed made me gape.
She smiled.
I clutched my bag then. Hinintay kong harapin niya ulit ako pero tila wala na siyang may balak pang gawin 'yun. Doon ay tsaka ako tumalikod para umalis. I was on the verge of opening the door when she spoke again.
"I didn't do this, by the way, because I wanted to give you a burden. I did this to say that you should be wiser because I am about to give you directions about the same path I took," She said, "Amidst the chaos, our heart ignites flames but our mind plays games. It is a battle of whom you should follow, the one burning inside you or the one controlling you. Choose wisely, Ms. Cerilla."
Kahit nakatalikod ay alam kong nakangiti siya nang sabihin niya 'yun. Oddly, it ignited something inside me - a fact that she had already chosen me, that she believes me, that I've already achieved one of my dreams without me knowing such.
"The path you will take after all will determine the life you chose. And it's the same for my son," She chuckled as she continued, "He's yearning for a different kind of solace, and I think only you can give that. I trust you as much as he does."
Her son?
Nanlaki ang mata ko, "Son? A-are you talking about Antonov?"
She laughed again, "Ask him, Dr. Cerilla."