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CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
his soul still stays
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Novan is the perfect example that you can survive other wars but the war within you is still the hardest to conquer. You become a soldier of your own life. You will silently battle the chaos inside you - alone, discreet, and out of people's attention. And that is something... that not everyone can easily win.
"He has a phobia in holding and seeing guns or any other firearms. He developed that before we even met and before he stayed on his island." That's what Shaunt told me when he brought me back to the hospital.
Sa sobrang gulat ko ay hindi ako nakasagot sakanya. Kaya pala wala akong may nakitang baril o kahit na anong display man lang sa bahay ni Novan, kaya pala kahit na isa siyang sundalo noon ay si Nigel ang kumikitil sa buhay ng nangloloob sakanila, at kaya pala siya parang nawala sa wisyo nang binanggit kong may baril ako.
Nang mabaril naman ako ay... inagaw daw ni Novan ang baril kay Nigel at siya na mismo ang nagpaputok sa nagpaputok sa'kin.
Shaunt concluded that Novan acted out of impulse and adrenaline. His mental state forgot his fright of guns because I was shot. And he only remembered it when it was declared that I'm stable. Hence, he had a panic attack after.
"What Dr. Selene said about Novan's contract with them is true. Bawal siyang lumabas ng isla pero dahil ginusto niyang ihatid ka rito ay sinuway niya ang kontrata nila. Hence, he was taken by IMI. And when you were declared fine, he had a panic attack upon realization that he's holding a gun. That's also where... Dr. Selene arrived to pick him up." Pagdedetalye niya pa roon pa sa nangyari.
I was silenced completely then. Sinubukan kong ipaisa-isa pa sakanya ang mga nangyari pero kailangan niya pa raw tapusin ang rotation niya sa hospital. Nanatili naman ako sa kwarto ko't pilit na tinanggal muna sa isip ang pagkakasuspend ko ng isang buwan.
Dagdagan pa na pinalitan ako bilang doktor ni Novan gayong nabaril ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano 'yung rason o kung may nagawa ba akong mabigat bukod sa pag-alma ko sa desisyon nila pero sa pagkakaalam ko ay gusto ko lang naman makita at masiguradong maayos si Novan dito. Hindi naman ako gumawa ng kung anong mabigat.
And fuck... Novan ignored me! Just like that! Halos isang linggo kong inisip ang kalamigan ng ekspresyon niya't pag-ignora niya sa'kin!
I groaned.
I really don't want to think about the suspension and changes. It pains me knowing that my work went to vain, but I have to think rationally before acting on it. And to think rationally, I need time. A long one at that.
Lalo na rin ngayong lumalaki ang kagustuhan kong ako ang makatulong kay Novan at ako ang susunod na uupo bilang puno ng IMI.
And so, with that goal in mind, I spent another week inside the hospital to recover before Shaunt decided to discharge me. Ginamit ko ang pagkakataon na 'yun para makapag-isip ng gagawin at maikalma ko ang sarili mula sa nangyari.
Pinahiram din ako ng aparato ni Shaunt nang makalabas ako ng hospital para raw may matawagan akong kapamilya. That's also why I called Vienna para makituloy muna sakanya dahil siya lang ang pinakamalapit na walang ginagawa rito.
I don't want to disturb my other friends. I know they're quite busy as of the moment liban kay Vienna na prinsesa lang naman ng lahat kaya paniguradong wala siyang may ginagawa. I don't want to inform my family either dahil paniguradong sa Cadiz ang uwi ko gayong hindi ko pa natatapos ang problema ko rito.
Ayoko ring ipaalam sakanila na nabaril ako lalong-lalo na kay Aster. Baka ano pa magawa niya kapag nalaman niya.
A McLaren sports car beeping continuously in front of me made me snapped. Nakuha rin nu'n ang atensyon ng ilang bystanders lalo na nang tumigil 'yun sa mismong harap ko. Bumaba ang windshield at bumungad si Vienna na salubong ang kilay.
Victoria Nieva Rocci, a childhood friend of mine bukod kina Aster, Paris, Avelle, Maeve at iba pa. What made me nostalgic is when I saw her face. Sobrang tagal na pero halata pa rin ang pagkamaldita ng pagmumukha niyang sumilip sa pagitan ng bintana ng kotse niya.
I can't help but smile at her. God, how I miss her!
"So, you only decided to call when you want me to pick you up?! And not when you got shot?! Hijo de puta, Solace! You know I'm one call away!" Aniya nang makita niya sigurong nakaupo lang ako sa waiting shed at walang dalang kahit na ano kung hindi ang aparato na pinahiram ni Shaunt.
"Sorry..." is the only thing I could whisper bago ko nakitang nanlambot ang tingin niya sa'kin. Mukhang tulad ko ay hindi niya rin maitangging na-miss niya ako kahit papaano.
"Tell me what happened kapag nakauwi..." Pinasadahan niya ako ng tingin, "At kaninong damit 'yan? That's not how you style."
Napatingin ako sa suot kong sweater at shortd na pinahiram ng nurse na kasama ni Shaunt. Wala kasi akong kahit na anong gamit. Mukhang naiwan ko lahat sa bahay ni Novan.
"I borrowed it..." I said, "C-can we go home first, Vien? I'm so tired. Sorry. As much as I want to tell you, I feel tired."
She blinked at me. Mabilis din siyang may pinindot sa sasakyan bago ako pinapasok at bago siya nag-drive paalis.
We were silent as we reached her residence. Ngayon lang ako nakapunta rito simula noong umalis ako para magtrabaho sa main institution ng IMI sa Austria. Ilang taon din akong nando'n at mukhang hindi pa napapatayo 'tong mansyon niya nang makaalis ako.
It was a high-end place, it was like a manor but smaller and alone. Halatang hindi biro ang ginastos niya rito. I swear I saw a gargoyle sitting on top of the post sa may gate niya. Mayroon din sa gitna na bumubuga pa ng tubig sa fountain sa mismong gitna ng dinaanan namin kanina. Her house is no joke either. It was like castle-themed at sobrang bigat pa ng pang-Espanyang disenyo ng buong bahay.
"This isn't my house." Putol niya sa pagtanaw ko sa buong bahay.
Salubong ang kilay ko siyang tinignan, "Whose house is it then?"
"My bodyguard. Sakanya rin 'tong kotse. Wala akong bahay here sa Quezon, remember? Sa Cadiz lang mayroon pero it was my Abuela's." Aniya bago pinark ang kotse.
Napakurap-kurap ako sakanya. Of course I know that she has a house in Cadiz. Doon kami nagkakilala noong mga bata pa kami 'e. Pero itong bahay sa Quezon? Sure ba siyang sa bodyguard niya 'to? Bodyguard? Really?
"Dito ako mamamalagi? Sa bahay ng bodyguard mo?" Salubong ang kilay ko siyang hinarap pero hindi niya ako sinagot at may pinindot lang para magbukas ang parehong pintuan ng kotse niya.
"Yes. Where else should you stay? The fountain?" She sarcastically asked as she exited the car.
I panicked for a second bago sumunod sakanya lalo na't dere-deretso lang siyang pumasok at iniwan akong nakatanga sa loob ng kotse.
"Vienna! Teka lang!" Tawag ko bago lumabas at sumunod papasok ng bahay.
Nalula pa ako saglit sa looban ng mansyon. It was also heavily inspired by an old-style castle house. There's no minimal design, lahat ng bagay - mapa-furniture, gilid ng sofa, at dulo ng hagdanan ay may konkretong ukit ng disenyo. And it's definitely not Vienna's style.
Hindi talaga sakanya 'tong bahay!
"My bodyguard's not here. Mamaya pa uwi niya pero nasabihan ko na siya na rito ka mamalagi." Nilingon ako ni Vienna mula sa staircase, "Follow me upstairs. Magpahinga ka muna. Mamaya na tayo mag-usap. Hindi ka naman nagugutom, yes?"
Dahan-dahan akong umiling.
"Good." She smiled before leaving. Sumunod naman ako sakanya sa pangalawang palapag at sa kwartong binuksan niya. Hindi ako umangal.
"Huwag na maraming isip at tanong. May mga damit ako riyan sa cabinet. Magpalit at matulog ka muna. Pahinga muna. Alright?" She smiled at me at nagmamadali pang hinila ako papasok.
Hindi ako pumalag. I just thanked her before she left the room. Doon ko rin naramdaman ang matinding pagod sa loob ko na pilit kong winawaksi nitong mga nakaraang araw. Ang dami ko kasing iniisip patungkol sa gagawin ko at patungkol kay Novan.
I haven't even think much that I was shot. I figured it was my fault for resisting. Ang naiisip ko lang talaga ay ang career ko at si Novan kasama na rin ang mga tanong bakit bigla akong pinalitan bilang doktor niya.
Fuck it. It's hurting my mind whenever I think about it especially the reason I concluded.
Freya Solomon. Shaunt told me that she's a daughter of my co-psychotherapist na napili rin bilang sunod na kukuha ng titulo ni Dr. Selene. And I don't think I should let that information slid by.
Ngayon ko lang kasi naalala 'yung Dr. Solomon na 'yan. Siya 'yung ayaw pumayag na maging pasyente ko si Novan noon. At ngayong ang anak niya bigla ang ginawang doktor ni Novan ay paniguradong may ginawa si Dr. Solomon, si Freya, o si Dr. Selene para mangyari 'yun.
Or maybe... I can't just accept the fact that I'm not Novan's doctor anymore.
Napamura ako sa isip.
I really don't know anymore. All I want is to rest from these for a while and think about it again soon.
Ipinikit ko ang mata. Hindi ko inisip na hindi ko kilala ang may-ari ng bahay na 'to at mas pinili lamang na matulog.
I woke up with the loud clanging of metals and Vienna's loud laugh. Mukhang may kasama na siya sa baba at mabilis ko ring naisip na baka bodyguard niya 'yun dahil siya lang naman hinihintay ni Vienna na pumunta. Napagtanto kong gabi na rin dahil sa madilim na paligid sa labas ng bintana.
Agad akong bumangon at niligpit ang hinigaan ko. Dumeretso ako sa cr at naghilamos. Binuksan ko rin ang cabinet na tinutukoy ni Vienna kanina at nagsuot ng silky pair niya ro'n. Nang matapos ay tsaka ako bumaba.
"Shouldn't you wake up your friend, Vie?"
Napalingon ako sa may bungad ng isang kwarto kung saan galing ang boses. Doon ay nakatayo sa may door pane si Vienna at may hawak na cake habang isa namang lalaki ang lumabas at nagbigay sakanya ng tinidor.
The man is hunky and familiar, obviously not a Filipino as well. His face is clean at may suot-suot siyang apron. Ilang minuto nga rin siguro akong nakatayo ro'n bago niya ako napansing nakatayo sa may staircase. Tahimik niya akong inobserbahan at tinignan hanggang sa nalipat na rin ang tingin ni Vienna sa'kin.
"Oh!" She quickly dropped her fork on the plate, "That's Solace Cerilla, my bestfriend. Solace, this is Weston Liam Salveste, my-."
"Victoria's bodyguard." Putol ng lalaki.
Isang hampas ang iginawad sakanya ni Vienna nang marinig nito ang tinawag sakanya. Tumawa lang ang lalaki bago bumalik sa kusina at may kinuhang isa pang plato na may slice ng cake. He gave it to Vienna before Vienna gestured to me that it was for me.
Nanatili naman ang atensyon ko sa lalaki. I mean, he just mentioned a familiar surname. Salveste. That's Wallace's surname, too. Are they possibly related?
"You owe me a story." Vienna raised her brows at me bago niya ako nilapitan at iginiya sa may living room nila. Mayroon doong isang circular sofa na katulad na katulad ng kay Novan. Magkaiba lang ang kulay nilang dalawa.
I sighed lightly at the shame rising inside me. Umupo ako sa may pinakaharap ng sofa kung saan tinabihan din ako ni Vienna.
"Vienna told me that you might need a house to stay in. You're free here. There's a guest room upstairs. I figured you already slept there, yes?" Ani ng lalaki na naupo sa harap namin ni Vienna.
I stayed silent. Mas pinili kong obserbahan ang paligid at tignan kung papaanong nakatingin lang ang bodyguard kay Vienna na nilalantakan ang cake. Nang mapansin naman 'yun ni Vienna ay iirapan niya ang lalaki pero kapansin-pansin lalo na sa'kin na parang pinaglalaruan niya na ang cake sa bibig niya, animo'y inaasar ang lalaki na nang tignan ko ay umiigting na ang panga.
That made my eyebrow rose. By the way they interact, I can tell that this man already slept with my friend.
"Wala ba akong may naririnig na ungol sa kalagitnaan ng gabi rito?" Naniniguro kong tanong kaya agad akong nakatanggap ng malakas na hampas mula sa kaibigan ko.
"Hunghang ka siguro 'no?" Vienna almost spat her cake.
"I hope you won't talk like that in front of Vienna." Weston just smiled solemnly. Agad kong natikom ang bibig ko dahil do'n.
He's respectful, huh? Alright. I approve of him.
"Thanks for letting me in, but I don't think I should stay here. This isn't Vienna's house. I'm not that shameful to stay here. Though, I think I have to borrow a few pennies. Mags-stay na lang muna ako sa rent." I opened up with a smile.
"I figured you'd say that," Weston said, "That's why I should tell you that I'm a friend of your patient. You shouldn't be that wary or shy now."
Nanlaki ang mata ko. Agad akong napatingin kay Vienna na halos maubos na ang cake.
"You knew that he's friends with my patient?" Tanong ko sakanya.
She shrugged. Nilunok niya muna ang kinakain bago dinuro ng tinidor si Weston, "That guy is secretive and cunning. I don't know shit about him. But yes, he told me that he knows who your patient is."
"What does that mean then?" I turned back to him, my eyebrows are meeting.
"Vienna doesn't know anything. I also just knew that you're Novan's doctor through Shaunt. I called him because my plane will take off in his hospital. And that plane is what Novan asked me to send in Glee Sands..." Sumeryoso ang mukha niya, "Because you were shot."
Umawang ang labi ko nang maalala kung kaninong apelyido ang isinigaw ni Novan noong may tinawagan siya para magpadala ng eroplano sa Glee Sands. It was Salveste!
"It was you?!" Nanlaki lalo ang mata ko.
"I've known Novan for quite a long time now. Yes, I sent that plane to get you. So, if you have questions about him as a therapist, I'm free to talk. From his condition to his past. Name it."
Mula sa pagkatulala ay nalipat ang tingin ko kay Weston ulit. Tumayo naman si Vienna sa gilid ko bago tahimik na nagpaalam para raw mas maging maayos ang pag-uusap namin. Sinundan lang siya ng tingin ni Weston bago niya binalik ang tingin sa'kin.
He's too composed. Isn't he even shock that the world is small? He's too quick to say that he'll tell me anything! I don't trust him yet.
"I'd rather let Novan tell me things..." Ani ko, "His life is only his to tell."
I saw the side of his lips rose for a second. Nawala 'yun sa isang kisap-mata.
"Your choice."
As he stood up to leave, silence immediately consumed the air around me. Ganu'n din ang mga ayos ko sa mga susunod na araw na nagdaan - minsan lang kumibo at palaging tahimik. Ang iniisip ko lang ay ang tanging gagawin ko sa isang buwan kong suspensyon.
I'm fortunate that Shaunt is notifying me about what's happening in IMI. Naging madalas daw pagbisita niya ro'n at pagkamusta sa kalagayan ni Novan.
Nagpapanggap siyang nando'n sa rason na kaibigan siya ng pasyente ko at para raw may malaman ako kahit papaano habang wala ako sa trabaho.
He informed me that Freya's starting the session with Novan. Kinaibigan niya rin si Freya at dahil do'n ay nalaman niyang hindi rin nagsasalita si Novan patungkol sa dapat pag-usapan. Ang tanging ginagawa lang daw ni Novan ay matulog, tumingin sa bintana sa pintuan, at maglakad-lakad sa kwarto niya.
I felt relieved... but jealous at the same time because it should've been me asking about Novan's condition and treating him afterward. Instead, pinalitan ako.
Sinabi ko 'yun kay Shaunt. And then told me he trusts me more as Novan's therapist because Nigel approved of me. Ngayon lang daw 'yun nangyari kaya gayon na lang ang pag-apruba niya sa'kin bilang karamay ng kaibigan niya.
Weston was the same. It rooted from the fact that Nigel approved of me as Novan's doctor. Dahil may tiwala sa'kin si Nigel ay malaki na rin ang tiwala ng mga kaibigan ni Novan sa'kin.
Ang sabi pa ni ni Shaunt ay hindi pala alam ni Nigel na kinuha ng IMI si Novan. Naiwan siya sa isla kaya ganu'n. All they told him is he's with me and he's fine with me. That alone... that lie made Nigel comforted whilst it hunted me.
Ayokong magsinungaling sakanya pero kung 'yun ang paraan nilang magkakaibigan para huwag mag-alala si Nigel kay Novan ay wala akong may magagawa dahil hindi ko naman alam paano ko matatawagan si Nigel o papaano ko mapapaalam sakanya na hindi totoo ang kung anumang sinabi ng mga kaibigan ni Novan.
It made think furthermore that I really have to get on track. I need to get Novan back.
"Don't you think you should unwind?" Vienna suggested one time while we were watching the TV at the living room, "Sometimes, you have to think about yourself before thinking of everybody else. It's you over them first. Tama na muna 'yang pag-iisip mo sa pasyente mo. Ilang araw na ba 'yan?"
I quickly shrugged, "I'm thinking about my career, Vien. Kung ano kahahantungan ko pagkatapos ko mapahiya ng punong doktor namin. I can't help but think that I failed and it was all my fault."
"That's a once-in-a-lifetime experience, Sol. Maybe she gave you a suspension so you can unwind. Maybe you were replaced because you're too professional for a patient like him. There are different aspects in different circumstances, Sol. Think out of the box. Alam kong sinisisi mo sarili mo sa nangyari." Inirapan niya ako bago sumandal sa bodyguard niyang napatigil din sa pagsusulat dahil sa usapan namin.
Ngumuso ako. Ang hirap kung kilala ka na ng kaibigan mo. Hindi ka na makakapalag.
Well, she's not that right but she's not entirely wrong about what I feel either. I just feel... like I have to do better. I might've failed once but that doesn't mean I'll fail again if I have to try harder.
Ginusto kong gamutin si Novan, ginusto ko siyang samahan, at ginusto kong maging karespe-respetong babae kagaya ni Dr. Selene kaya kung kakailanganin ko munang bumagsak bago bumangon ulit ay hindi ako magr-reklamo.
"Kuha lang ako ng makakain." Vienna stood up and left, leaving me and his bodyguard alone.
Just like what I expected ay sinundan ulit ng tingin ni Weston si Vienna bago napatingin sa'kin.
"This might be too cheesy for a man to say, but the Novan I know before is a calm man who loves to help people. Other people's smile is his happiness. It was his virtue when I met him in Europe..." Nagsimulang magkwento si Weston, "But when he was enlisted as a soldier, that's where it all fell down."
"Then when he chose to live in this country, he changed completely. When I saw him, it feels like you're looking at someone who has no soul," Seryosong saad ni Weston, "He was deeply devastated after what happened in the war. It was intense and merciless. Even the harmful impact it made to a strong man like Novan is severe..."
"It was pretty concerning knowing that he's a marksman. He might've seen things through the small scope of his gun. He might've done unimaginable things. He might've killed somebody he doesn't want to. And his soul is gone with that. But Shaunt told me that when you were declared stable after losing a lot of blood... the motionless Novan gained life in his eyes. Novan even... went to the chapel after years of not believing." Dagdag niya pa habang seryosong nakatingin sa'kin.
"Maybe... you really are the key for the Novan I know to come back. And that's why I'm here to help you, too. Don't hesitate to ask. I will help him through you."
What he told me made my heart skipped a beat. My mind went blank, the only thought appearing inside me is the fact that Novan is starting to feel something. It wasn't the same emptiness he told me he feels, it was different and it's disappointing how I wasn't there to witness it myself.
My determination rose every second. I really want to treat Novan... the way he deserves it. I want to see him happy and healed. I want to witness the Novan that Weston first met. It's the only thing I want to do after my career.
"Maybe his soul is not gone," Sagot ko, "It's with him. It stays with him. It's just nowhere to be found because it was blocked by the same darkness who consumed him all throughout... but I know it's there."
Because I felt it myself. He was laughing over the smallest things. He was yearning. He wanted that glee. He desires happiness. His soul is not gone, it was lost. And I'll guide it back to where it belongs.
Weston's lips rose, "You really don't know when to give up on him. Thank you."
Umiwas ako ng tingin, "He's someone who's worth every failure."
Giving up was never in my mantra. I might fail and learn something in the circumstance given to me but I'll never give up. If I do then I'll try again and again and again until I win. Dahil din diyan ay nakabuo na ako ng gagawin.
"I think... I need to visit Novan myself," I said to them.