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CHAPTER FOURTEEN
after the bliss
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"Look at this seashell." Excited kong pinakita kay Novan ang namataan kong kabibe habang naglalakad kami.
It was a light color blue one, the type of seashell na parang may naninirahang snail sa loob pero itong nakita ko ay walang laman. It's color is just glimmering through the sun, catching my attention as we were walking along the coast. Matingkad pa sa matingkad ang kulay niya kaya hindi ko naiwasang hindi maengganyo.
"That's the ninth seashell you picked up." Novan glanced at the seashell once.
"Twelfth, actually," Puna ko bago nilahad sakanya ang kabibe, "Gusto mo sa'yo na lang? You look good in blue. Itago mo 'yan."
He glanced at my hand for seconds. Doon ko napagtanto na hindi pala siya masyadong nakakaintindi ng Tagalog pero bago pa man ako magsalita ulit ay kinuha niya rin naman ang binigay ko't binulsa.
Napakurap ako bago bumalik sa pagliwaliw sa dalampasigan kasi bukod sa ang mahangin ang paligid ay hindi rin masyadong maaraw. Ang tangi ko nga lang ginawa ay pumulot nang pumulot ng kabibeng naisip kong madadala ko pabalik sa syudad.
Kanina ko pa ginagawa 'to tapos nakasunod lang si Novan sa'kin at tumatango tuwing magtatanong ako kung maganda ba ang kabibe.
Sabi ko pa kanina sakanya ay ililibre ko siya pero sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon ay abala pa ang mga trabahador sa pagbubukas. Malay ko bang alas dyes pala ng umaga sila nagbubukas sa tuwinang malapit ang pyesta? Hindi naman kasi pinaalam ni Nigel o nitong ni Novan.
"Do you have any favorite foods besides sweet and sour tilapia?" Baling ko sakanya nang mamataan ko ang restaurant ng seafoods sa 'di kalayuan. Kita hanggang dito na nagsisimula na silang bumukas.
"Seafoods." Maikli niyang sagot.
"Sure ka? Baka mamaya allergic ka pala sa alimango." Sagot ko. Common kasi 'yun sa iba lalo na sa pamilya namin. Liban nga lang sa'kin na sa kamatis talaga may allergy.
Hindi siya sumagot, tanging isang baling lang ang ginawa niya bago niya iginiya ang ulo sa direksyon ng restaurant ng seafood, "I'll order so you won't have a hard time guessing my favorite foods," He said.
Lumapad ang ngiti ko, "Sure! As long as I can treat you!"
He didn't answer again, nagsimula lang siyang maglakad sa direksyon ng resto. Sumunod naman ako sakanya't hindi pinansin ang tingin ng mga turista sa'ming dalawa. Kanina pa kasi 'yan simula nang maglakad kami sa dalampasigan. Kahit 'yung nasa cottage at chair lounges ay napapasunod ang tingin sa'min. Parang hindi nila matanggal ang tingin sa'kin... or particularly at Novan.
I thinned my lip. I admit, Novan is really good-looking and charismatic. His features are sharp, halatang hindi siya Pinoy. His body's build is carving alive through the fabric of his clothes, humuhulma 'yun. His hooded eyes and tall nose is what I find attractive the most, too, lalong-lalo na ang labi niyang sakto lang ang kapal. Ang bagay pa na dumagdag sa karisma niya ay ang magulo niyang buhok. Para talaga siyang modelo at hindi sundalo.
"Oh my, Sir Antonov...?"
Napatingin ako sa lalaking staff na nakatayo sa may bungad ng restaurant na pinuntahan namin. Gulat na gulat siya habang nakatingin kay Novan pero mas lumaki 'ata ang mata niya nang dumako 'yun sa'kin.
Muntikan na ako magtaas ng kilay. May problema ba sa mukha ko?
"Prepare a table for two." Novan calmly ordered. Nagkumahog naman 'yung staff na sumunod at agad na bumalik para sabihin ano table number namin.
"Sir, we will charge you for free. Please enjoy your date." Nag-bow ang lalaki.
Nanlaki ang mata ko sa sinabi niya. Akmang tatanggi rin ako nang biglang magsalita si Novan.
"Don't charge for free. She wants to treat me. Let her pay." He said. Itinikom ko ang bibig do'n bago tumango-tango sa staff na awang ang labi habang nakatingin sa'min.
Novan ignored it as he gestured to me inside. Bagama't nagtataka rin ay sumunod na lang ako at pumasok. Dumeretso kami sa counter pero kahit 'ata sa loob ng restaurant ay hindi uso sa mga turista at tao na huwag ipahalatang nakatingin sila.
People's stares are all over us! Ano bang meron?!
"S-Sir Antonov?" The cashier looked surprised as we stood there. Gulat din siyang napatingin sa'kin na katabi ni Novan pero isang ngiti lang ang isinagot ko bago naghintay anong i-oorder ni Novan.
"What do you want?" Novan's gazes went on me.
Tumingin ako sa menu sa harap, "Um... seafood stew and oven-baked garlic crab."
"How about drinks?" Sunod niyang tanong.
Napalunok ako lalo na nang masulyapan ko ang kinang sa mata ng cashier. Para siyang natutuwa sa hindi malamang dahilan. Natutuwa ba siya sa'kin o kay Novan?
"Bacardi wil-."
"No liquor." Agad na sabat ni Novan.
Muntikan na ako mapanguso, "Then pinya colada will do."
He nodded, "I'll get two of the dishes she wants. Add buttered shrimp, three serves of rice, and a bowl of crispy squid. Don't charge it for free. She wants to treat me."
Right when Novan said that, nakita ko kung paano nagpigil ng ngiti ang cashier. Kinagat niya pa ang buong labi, tila pinipilit na huwag ngumisi habang sinusulat ang order namin. Dumoble ang pagtataka ko ro'n pero tila wala lang kay Novan ang reaksyon ng cashier sakanya! Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang maisip na baka crush nitong cashier si Novan kaya ganyan reaksyon niya.
I thinned my lip. Dumukot na lang ako ng pera bago nagbigay ng dalawang libo sa cashier pagkatapos kong makita ang price ng kakainin namin.
"Your exchange will be given after the meal, Ma'am. Thanks for dining here." The cashier politely bowed at me and Novan.
Tumango naman ako bago kami dumeretso sa mesang itinalaga ng lalaking staff kanina. Muli ay hindi ko rin pinansin ang mga tingin nila pero nang makaupo kami ni Novan ay hindi ko na napigilang itanong 'yung nangyayari!
"Hey, why are they staring like that?" I asked him, my eyes are carefully scanning the restaurant's inner designs and the people around us. I can't even focus myself on the neat chic design of the restaurant dahil naaasiwa ako sa pasimpleng sulyap ng mga staffs sa table namin.
"You're dealing with psychology, can't you decipher it yourself?"
Inis akong napatingin sakanya, "Gago ka siguro 'no? Not because we're dealing with psychology doesn't mean we're mind-readers! I don't even know the reason why they are reacting like that. They look amused for what?"
Binalik ko ang tingin sa paligid. Salubong na ang kilay ko.
"It's the first time I've been here after years. The staff are just surprised to see me, Solace," Mahinahon niyang sagot, "Are you conscious?"
Pinangkitan ko siya ng mata, "No. It's just new to me."
"Do you want to leave then?"
Agad akong umiling, "No! Ano ka ba! That's a small thing to leave over!"
The edge of his lips rose, "Don't mind them, Solace. Our purpose here is for you to treat me, isn't it?"
Ngumuso ako para pigilan ang pagngiti dahil tama naman ang sinabi niya. Umiwas na lang ako ng tingin at hindi na sumagot dahil ang tono din ng boses niya ay parang nang-aasar!
"Do you like... the island, Solace?"
For the nth time, my eyes went on him. Hindi siya nakatingin sa'kin, nasa dagat na kita mula sa glass wall ang tingin niya. A part of me couldn't even believe what I just heard. I mean, he's initiating a conversation? That's so new to hear that I can't help but feel a tad bit surprised by his everyday changes.
"Hm-m," I nodded as I remembered the things I did and saw here, "I never expected to grow fond here either, but I feel like I fell in love with the beauty of Glee Sands. This island's existence is like a dream come true. Would you hate me if I said that I'm starting to forget my actual purpose for coming here?"
Dumako sa'kin ang tingin niya, "No."
"Good," I chuckled, "My actual purpose here is to get you treated, but look at us wandering around your island, spending our life like you're not my patient and I'm not your therapist."
"Well, you didn't ask for sessions anymore. All you did was invite me to wander around my own island," He scoffed, "And a variety of events where I have to take care of you inside my own house."
Napangiwi ako. Well, I don't want to tell him that he looked hesitant telling me his life during our session that's why I resorted to natural treatments. I posed as a friend of him, I invited and urged him to do the things he's not that fond of, and I simply want him to enjoy the smallest moments. In that way, he'll see for himself that even after the worst parts of his life, there's still beauty in living.
"I figured I'd tell you... that this island was once named 'Las Enamorada' for a reason." Aniya habang nakatingin pa rin sa dagat.
Nakuha niya ang atensyon ko ro'n. Besides the fact that this is the first time he's initiating a conversation, it's also crucial for me to observe the kind of stories he'll tell. His story's depths and roots might be a key for me to finally see what he's concealing behind his mask.
Atsaka gusto ko rin malaman kung konektado ba ang islang 'to sa katotohanang dito siya namalagi sa halip na manirahan sa syudad. At kung bakit din siya hinayaan ng institusyon namin na rito manirahan gayong isa siyang delikadong pasyente.
"Las Enamorada is not an actual word. It was put together because it made sense in some sense," Mahina siyang tumawa, "It means 'my beloved'. My father thought of that name as he introduced this island to the woman he loved dearly. This island is like a gift for her after she died."
Something touched and ripped my heart. A part of me told me that he's talking about his mother and a sting in my heart pricked me. Kung gaano kasi kaganda 'tong isla ay may kwento rin pala ang may-ari sa likod nito.
Ironically, the beauty and peace of this island didn't equate to the anguish and pain his father might've felt when the woman he loves died. If I was in that position, I would've grovel hard, too.
"That's just... painful to hear..." ang tangi kong nasabi dahil inunahan ako ng lungkot.
Ayoko pa naman sa mga masyadong masakit ng kwento. Hindi ko kasi kinakaya. Would it be weird if I tell him that even though I'm good at hiding my emotions, I'm still a crybaby once I'm alone?
"Then bakit pala... 'Glee Sands' na pangalan ng isla ngayon?" Hindi ko naiwasang itanong.
"I named this 'Glee Sands' when my father passed the ownership to me," Tinignan niya ako, "Because he said that I should name it after what I yearn to have."
Again, something ached inside me when I realized what he meant. Glee after all means happiness, the feeling of bliss and sunshine after the rain. And he was told to name the island after what he yearn to have. Glee. That's what he named after the island because that's what he wants to have.
'"Glee.... Is that what you yearn to have?" Tanong ko.
Umiwas siya ng tingin, "I don't know..."
Akmang sasagot sana ako nang bigla ring dumating ang pagkain naming dalawa. Nagpasalamat ako sa staff pero agad ding nakaramdam ng lungkot dahil naudlot tuloy ang dapat kong sasabihin. Tahimik lang din akong hinintay ni Novan na kumain bago rin siya sumubo.
We were silent for a few minutes as we ate, but I still initiated a conversation with a different topic after that. Ayoko kasing alalahanin niya pa at baka masagad pa ang kalungkutan niya lalo. Nanatili lang akong tahimik na nalulungkot.
Nang humapon ay tsaka kami umuwi pero hindi na kami nag-usap nu'n dahil nagpaalam siyang matutulog. Ang nakakabahala pa ay hindi siya makatingin man lang sa'kin at hindi niya na ako kinausap.
Hanggang gumabi rin ay hindi na siya lumabas para maghapunan. Nakonsensya ako ro'n lalo na't parang ang direkta kong sabihin na gusto niyang maging masaya.
But still, he opened it up indirectly. He told me what he wants and what he yearn for in the form of a small story. Even though, he might hate me for saying that, I will still try my best.
Now that he told me that, I can't help myself from wanting nothing more but for him to achieve happiness. I mean, even though he's sometimes hostile, everyone deserves to be happy after the worst part of their lives. And he's not an exception, nobody is.
Life is cruel, after all. That's why I want to help remove his pain even if I have to take it in myself.
It's ironic. I'm a therapist. I deal and know those like they're a part of me, but I still think that being someone that everybody vents to is a hard thing to do. It weighs me down every time, too.
Their experiences, their cries, and their pain? I'm taking all of it as I comfort them at the same time. I'm taking their anguish and affliction as they tell me their story and reasons behind not wanting to live. Then at the end of the day, I'm left with nothing but myself. Nobody to tell, nobody to remove the pain they passed onto me, and nobody but myself.
Although, I'm already used to it. It's still overwhelming sometimes. And that's what is pushing me more to keep Novan at bay, to help him heal, to take him back to his right path.
He deserves to be happy regardless of the worst he encountered in his life.
Ayokong matulad siya sa dati kong pasyente. Ayokong madamay siya sa gulong sinimulan ng mga kapwa ko doktor. Ayokong hindi niya maranasang mahalin ang buhay niya. Ayoko ring mawala siya sa landas niya dahil paniguradong kahit ako ay mawawala rin kapag nangyari 'yun.
I don't even know if it's my personal feelings, my duty as his therapist, or my career. It doesn't matter to me because I care for him as both. Both as his therapist and his friend.
Sabi nga ng isang importante tao sa buhay ko, si Tita Avara, "Kahit mahirap, kahit walang-wala ka na, magpatuloy ka," At 'yun ang gusto kong gawin niya.
Palihim na lang akong ngumuso dahil sa lumitaw sa isip ko. Na-miss ko si Tita Avara bigla sa hindi malamang dahilan. Matagal na rin simula nang mawala siya pero nandito pa rin 'yung sakit na parang nawalan ka ng ina. Still, some of the things she taught me lingers in me every time. Tulad na lang ngayon.
Naputol lang ang pag-iisip ko nang biglang may kumatok sa kwarto. Hindi ko na sana papansinin 'yun kung hindi lang siya kumatok ulit. I mean, gabi na kasi. Malapit na magalas-dose kaya sino naman kaya ang gising na kakatok sa kwarto ko?
Maybe it's Nigel. Baka magpapaalam na pupunta kay Dali?
Agad akong tumayo mula sa kama para malaman. Pinagbuksan ko agad ng pinto ang kumatok. Nang ngingiti sana ako kay Nigel ay natigilan ako dahil hindi siya ang nasa labas.
"Novan...?" I asked, confused about his presence in front of my room.
The house is already dark. The only thing that helped me distinguish who he was was the moonlight passing through the big window of my room. With its light, I can see his messy hair, his droopy and sleepy eyes na mukhang kagagaling lang sa kama, and his figure who looks like he's distressed. Binalot ako ng pag-aalala kaya agad kong nilakihan ang bukas ng kwarto ko.
"Are you okay? Come inside." I panicked but he just shrugged and looked at me.
Mukhang may gusto siyang sabihin pero hindi ko naman alam ano 'yun. O baka nagugutom siya't gusto niyang paglutuan ko siya?
"Are you hungry? Let's go downstairs then. I'll cook f-."
"Solace," He cut me off, "No need. I'm fine."
Natigilan ako, lalong-lalo na sa paraan ng titig niya. Kahit medyo madilim kasi ay kita ang parang nagsusumamo niyang tingin... na parang may nagawa siyang mali pero hindi ko alam saan.
"I just want to say sorry." Sabi niya na parang binasa niya ang nasa isip ko.
Napamaang ako, "What do you mean by 'sorry'?"
"Sorry if it sounded like I was venting out to you in the restaurant earlier," Direkta niyang saad, "I saw that you looked surprised and sad, but I still continued. I'm sorry."
Isang-daang bato 'ata ang bumara sa lalamunan ko dahil sa narinig. Hindi ako makalunok, hindi rin ako makapagsalita. Inunahan ako ng gulat sa narinig kaya nanatili lang akong nakamaang sakanya, hindi alam ang sasabihin bukod sa tignan lang siya.
"Solace... hey. Say something." Aniya, pilit hinuhuli ang tingin ko.
Doon ako napakurap, napatikhim, at nataranta. Hindi ko talaga alam anong sasabihin dahil hindi ko naman inaasahang kakatok siya sa kalaliman ng gabi't hihingi ng paumanhin dahil lang nakita niya akong malungkot!
"Novan..." Napahawak ako sa noo ko, "Oh, god. How can I even react to that? It's not a big deal! Ano ka ba!" Pabiro ko siyang hinampas, "It's just a small matter! Why would you even go all the way here just to apologize? I'm your therapist!"
Umiwas siya ng tingin at hindi nagsalita. Nanatili lang siyang nakatayo ro'n na parang inaalisa niya pa anong dapat niyang sabihin. Dahil do'n ay ako naman ang napabuntong-hininga nang nakangiti.
I didn't expect him to do this. Kaya pala hindi siya makatingin habang pauwi. Kaya pala siya tahimik. Kaya pala ganito na lang ang reaksyon niya. 'Yun pala ang rason!
"Want to sleep here?" Tanong ko sa kalagitnaan ng katahimikan. Pansin kong natigilan siya, kitang-kita na ang emosyon sa mukha niya ngayon at sa harap ko pa, hindi gaya ng dati na blangko lang.
"Sleep there?" Nag-aalangan niyang tinuro ang kwarto ko.
I nodded, "Yeah. Your bed in this room is wide. It won't be that weird to sleep together."
"But you're a woman... and I'm a ma-."
"I know, Novan. I'm not blind. But I'm not malicious. We will just sleep together. Think of it as a sleepover. Have you ever been in a sleepover?" I tilted my head to the side.
"We used to sleep together in a camp... back when I was still a marksman." Inosente niyang kwento.
I chuckled, "Then that's that. Think of me as your co-soldier. Think that we're in a nice camp, that we're sleeping after singing together in front of a bonfire, and that we had a nice white mallow as our dinner."
Napakurap siya sa sinabi ko. Ako naman ay nakangiti lang lalo na't kitang-kita kong parang naengganyo siya sa narinig. Parang bata pa siyang nakatayo lang sa harap ko't naghihintay na hilahin ko siya papasok.
Somehow, it totally feels like the Novan I first met is gone and was replaced by a man who's full of wonders. He looks like someone who wants to know how deep the ocean goes, a curious and wondrous man who wants to dive into the waters despite the danger it emits.
And I can't help myself but feel thrilled knowing that his everyday progress is astonishing. Looks like he's trying to change himself, too. And I'm beyond proud of that. He just doesn't know it himself.
"Fine." Aniya matapos ang mahabang katahimikan.
Napapalakpak ako sa sagot niya bago siya iginiya sa loob. Tahimik siyang pumasok kaya sinara ko na rin ang pintuan bago naunang mahiga sa left side ng kama.
"You can take the right side. May mga extra namang unan." I smiled at him, in which he answered with a glance before he followed.
Pansin kong napalunok siya nang makahiga't maukopa niya ang dalawang matambok kong unan. Nakatingin lang siya sa kisame at parang hindi makatingin sa'kin. Tumingin din ako sa kisame dahil do'n.
Hindi ko siya masisisi kung para siyang tuod. Baka mawirduhan siya dahil dito pero hindi naman ako malisyosa. Isa pa, sleeping together can form bonds. Dito ko rin malalaman kung kumportable ba siya sa'kin o hindi.
His consciousness' natural response will be an answer to me. If he sleeps knowing that I'm in the same room as him then he's comfortable with me, but if it's the latter then... then he's still not that fine under my presence.
Nilingon ko siya dahil sa naisip pero sa gulat ko ay unti-unti nang pumipikit ang mata niya. Hindi ako nakagalaw sa nakita hanggang sa tuluyang sumarado ang mata niya't naging banayad ang paghinga niya.
He slept... that fast?
I'm shocked... too shocked to even contain my happiness. Hindi ko naiwasang hindi mangiti bago napatingin sa kisame't pilit ding hinintay na dalawin ako ng antok.
It didn't visit late. Agad din akong inantok sa presensya niya. As I felt it, my mind kept replaying what happened while telling me that everything had happened today sure is worth it.
After the bliss we silently felt, we finally got to sleep peacefully... beside each other at that.