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CHAPTER EIGHT
his unknown axis
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A sigh escaped past my lips when I finished writing my initial report about Novan's behaviour these past few weeks.
So far, I haven't gotten anything evident aside from the panic attack he had a few days ago. If it's anything about his attitude, ibang usapan na 'yun dahil halos ang dami kong naisulat.
I have no apparent diagnosis of my own yet. Lahat ng alam ko sakanya ay nakadepende pa rin sa mga dokumento ng mga therapist niya bago ako dumating.
Doon ko lang din nalaman na halos isang buwan lang pala tinagal dito ng mga therapist niya, isang session din sa bawat isa.
He was appointed with six therapist in total, all of them have degrees and expertise bigger than mine. Kaya rin hindi ko maiwasang maisip anong nasa isip ng senior ko para ipadala ako rito. Perhaps, she trusts me that much?
"Are we just going to sit here and do nothing?" Novan asked while sipping his coffee. Nasa tapat siya ng lamesa sa living room kung sa'n ko siya inayang kausapin.
After what he said yesterday, I vowed to myself that I'll treat this man and carve a path for him to walk on. I want to know everything about him. After all, there's something he's hiding beneath his eyes that I want to find. I know he's just concealing it but it's there.
Nakaupo kami ngayon sa sofa sa living room. Magkatapat. I'm busy swifting through my folders. Siya naman ay prenteng iniinom ang kapeng pinatimpla.
"I'm trying to speculate things. Hindi basta-basta ang session ko. It's different than the past ones you encountered." I continuted shifting through my folders.
"How is it any different? You'll question and observe me. That's it." Aniya.
Buryo ko siyang tinignan, "You're looking down on how psychology works. We don't just make speculations right off the bat, we're studying behaviours. And then, the cognitive treatment begins."
He didn't answer. Nagpatuloy lang siya sa pag-inom at mas piniling itikom ang bibig. Nagpatuloy naman ako sa pagtingin sa mga nakahilerang folder ng diagnosis sakanya. Halos saulo ko na lahat ng 'yun pero mas gusto kong basahin ulit dahil baka may nakaligtaan ako.
I didn't make him wait either. Nang sinarado ko 'yun ay dinampot ko ang journal kung sa'n ko nilalagay lahat ng balita ko patungkol sakanya. Then, I pressed a button on my pen. It's a recording pen, after all. Something that IMI gave us for better analysis after the session.
"I should warn you. I'm different from you other therapist. During our session, I might trigger you by my questions. You're free to show emotions. I'm not a wall. After all, I will dig in the past you have inside your mind. I want you to remember what's pulling you back and face it. Take it as a memory to serve a better present." Seryoso kong paalam.
Hindi siya sumagot pero hindi rin siya gumalaw para umalis o ano. The only thing I noticed is he looked at me intently before dropping his gazes. I took that gesture as a way of him saying 'yes'. Tumango rin ako, senyales na magsisimula na kami, bago umayos ng upo.
"So, how do you feel right now?" I asked, my eyes directly focused on him.
From staring at his coffee, he looked up to meet my gazes. Just like always, his eyes are void of any emotions, making me think that he might maybe answer 'nothing' as a quick response to my question.
"At ease. Knowing that I have someone to talk to about what bugs me, I feel at ease." He answered seriously.
Muntikan na ko magdiwang. I thought he won't cooperate and take this seriously. Turns out, he's quite obedient! And he feels at ease, too. Should I take that as a compliment?
Ngumiti ako, "How long have you been feeling at ease?"
"Ever since I took a seat here."
"What do you feel before that?"
Dahan-dahan siyang umiling, "Nothing at all."
I nodded, "Can you describe what kind of 'nothing' are you talking about?"
Bahagyang kumunot ang noo niya. Lumihis mula sa'kin ang tingin niya't bumalik 'yun sa tase ng kape. Nanatili akong naghihintay, hindi pinapansin ang reaksyon niya sa tanong ko. He's quite discreet in his movements, every body language is controlled and swift - like he's still wary of me.
"Nothing... I feel nothing as if I can't pull out any emotions. I don't feel down, I don't feel joyful either. Just nothing at all."
Tumango ako sa pangalawang pagkakataon. Looks like IMI wasn't lying. He is really a patient to be observed and put under clinical and psychological sessions. In my point of view, there are two cases he encountered based on the way his emotions work. First, child trauma. Second, stress, peer pressure, and an imbalance in his life that made him as he is today. I'm guessing, it's both.
"Can you tell me when did it generally start?"
Pansin kong umigting ang panga niya. Ang kaninang maaliwalas niyang mukha bago kami magsimula ay naglaho sa alipaap. Looks like he didn't like the question but he have to answer, nonetheless. I already warned him about the session I have.
"After, during, and before the declaration of the upcoming war." His chest slyly heaved upwards.
I gazed at him, wondering to myself how should I make him tell me everything about the war without rushing him. His case is still generally connected to the war he fought on years ago. It was stated that after the devastation of the war's aftereffects, Antonov went down from his position as a Cadet. And now, he's here.
"After what happened in the war, what did occur to you? Can you describe it?" I asked again, tapping my pen against my lip.
"Something changed. Everything... at some point," He said, his knuckles tightened while looking at me...
"M-my principles, morals, how I lived my life, and my life in general. It all changed. As of now, I still feel like I was there with everyone. I can still hear the screams, the shouts of help, the gunshots, and the deaf sound of the country deroriating during the war."
Umiwas siya ng tingin. Panandalian akong tumahimik. I gave him time to move on from what he just said lalo na't pansin kong nahirapan siyang sabihin 'yun.
He can't meet my gazes and he's starting to fidget his fingers.
This is new for me to see in him. He's going vulnerable now that he talked about it.
"What do you think occur in the war that got in you?"
Doon ko na napansing natigilan siya. Something must've occured in him after my question. And I like that he remembers it.
He's not entirely forgetful like how I expected. In fact, I don't know how many times should I say it but he's the calmest patient I ever had.
"Everything. Children, women, men, old people. No one to spare. It was..." Napahawak siya sa ulo, "Hell."
Veins popped out of his arm. Looks like he can't say anything other than that.
Bumuntong-hininga siya, "Can we continue this next time?"
Natigilan ako sa narinig pero hindi ko pinahalata. I can't see any of his reaction right now, but I know it's getting into him. May iilan din akong nabuong konklusyon sa maikli niyang mga sagot kaya pinatay ko na lang ang recorder bago inayos ang gamit ko.
"Let's consider today's session done." I said, making him gazed up to me. Nasa mukha niya ang pagtataka gayong hindi pa kami tumatagal pero ngumiti lang ako.
I know it's not my job to end the session, but he looks uneasy. And if my patient feels uneasy, I'm not going to push through just so they can let it all out. One at a time is enough.
"Save your other memories for the next time. We can't continue if you're not that ready. Thank you for cooperating with me today, Mister Antonov." Ani ko bago tumayo dala-dala ang mga gamit ko.
I can't look at him in the face. Somehow, I'm guilty of questioning him directly. Mukhang hindi talaga maganda ang napagdaanan niya noon sa gyerang 'yun.
Ayoko naman siyang pilitin lalo na't mukhang nagd-dalawang-isip pa siya. He looks like he's not ready yet, and I don't want to force him. There will come a time where he's ready. And I'll wait for it.
Also, I figured that sessions don't work. He's really hesitant. He looks like he doesn't want indirect conversations and open-ended questions.
He doesn't want to look back, too. I won't force him. And if I can't know him better during sessions, then all left of me to do is be his friend.
Better relationships work when both of you started as a good friend. That's a better option.
"Nigel." Tawag ko sa kasambahay ni Novan na nagwawalis sa second floor.
He's not really a kasambahay, lagi lang siyang nandito pero hindi ko alam bakit gayong alam kong may dapat siyang trabaho sa isla.
"Sol?" Nilapitan niya ako.
"Alam mo ba anong paboritong ulam ni Novan?" Tanong ko.
"Sweet and Sour Tilapia po. 'Yung ibang alam ko naman ay hindi niyo rin maluluto lalo na't European dishes 'yun. Pero sweet and sour tilapia po talaga paborito niya." He smiled widely.
I thinned my lip, "May tilapia ba rito?"
"May nagbebenta naman po ng isda sa pinakalikod ng isla. May maliit na bayan po ro'n. Baka po mayro'ng tilapia. Gusto niyo magpabili?"
Tumango ako, "Papayagan kaya tayong lumabas ni Novan? Gusto ko rin malibot ang isla. Nabubulok na ako rito. Wala na akong Vitamin Sun."
Napakamot siya ng ulo, "Kayo na po magpaalam sakanya. At nandyan na rin siya papataas. Goodluck, Sol."
Nilingon ko ang tinutukoy niya. Nando'n nga si Novan at mukhang papanhik sa kwarto. Doon ay hindi na ako nagdalawang-isip na lapitan siya at ngitian nang malapad.
Napatigil siya sa may bukana ng staircase, salubong ang kilay na nakatingin sa'kin. Wala na ang bagabag sa mukha niya.
"Pwede ba ako lumabas? Kasama ko si Nigel. May bibilhan lang sa bayan do'n sa likod. Ayos ka lang dito mag-isa 'di ba?" Paalam ko.
I absolutely hate doing this but I have no choice. The way to get through people is through their stomach. Naisip kong lutuan siya ng paborito niyang ulam lalo na't mukhang nabuburyo na rin siya sa luto ni Nigel na palaging prito o 'di kaya ay steamed.
Naisip ko rin na huwag siyang iwan mag-isa pero I'm assured he's fine. Malaki ang spiritual level ko. I can feel people's emotions and he looks fine that he had ever been. Mukhang kahit papaano ay iniiwasan niya pa ring maging negatibo gayong gano'n ang pinagdaanan niya.
Now that I see it. He's stronger than how I expected.
"Bahala ka." He scoffed at us before walking away.
Masaya ko namang nilingon ang gagong kasambahay namin na kunwari ay nagwawalis gayong nasa dustpan na lahat ng alikabok. Pinameywangan ko siya.
"Get ready. Pinayagan tayo lumabas!" Sabi ko nang tuluyang makapasok si Novan sa kwarto. Kulang na lang ay tumili ako sa saya dahil bukod sa hindi na ko nakakadena ay pwede na akong lumabas.
Napalingon si Nigel at agad na nagliwanag ang mukha. Mabilis niyang dinampot ang ginamit panglinis bago 'yun itinabi.
Nagligpit kaming dalawa at kumatok lang sa kwarto ni Novan bilang pamamaalam pagkatapos ay sinamahan na ako ni Nigel papunta sa bayan sa likod.
"Sol, may pera ka ba?" Tanong niya habang naglalakad kami sa medyo mabatong daanan.
"Wala, malamang. Ikaw bumibili ng ulam 'di ba? 'Edi ikaw din magbabayad nito." Umirap ako.
"Ano?!" Natigilan siya at marahas siyang napakamot ng ulo, "Ang daya naman!"
Tumaas ang kilay ko, "Alalahanin mo 'nung jinoketime mo kami ni Novan? Utang mo 'yan sa'kin dahil namula ilong niya sa tsinelas ko!"
"Ikaw naghagis!"
"Ikaw nagjoke!"
"Naniwala ka naman!"
Nagsalubong ang kilay ko. Sa inis ko ay hinuli ko ang tenga niya't hinila 'yun, dahilan para mapaigik siya sa sakit. Sa laki niya kaysa sa'kin ay hindi niya man lang ako pinatigil kaya mas piningot ko pa siya. Gantihan na lang kasi masaya siya sa kalokohan niya!
Pulang-pula tuloy ang tenga niya nang marating namin ang maliit na bayan sa likod ng isla. Maliit nga lang talaga siya pero halatang maraming tao.
May mga nipang malaki na nasa pinakagilid. Sa harap naman ng iilang pine trees ay nakaharap sa dagat ang mga stall ng souvenir at nando'n din 'yung mga isdang tinutukoy ni Nigel.
Maaliwalas din ang hangin sa palibot. Hindi gaanong mainit dahil na rin sa rami ng puno at masasabi mong worth it talaga bumisita rito lalo na't bukod sa ang ganda ng tanawin ay malakas din magbigay ng peace of mind.
Naisip ko tuloy... did Novan ever visit and roam around his island? If ever, I want to invite him here.
Mukha kasing hindi siya lumalabas. Kung lumalabas naman siya ay gabi lang. Takot pa ako nu'n lalo na't mag-isa lang ako pero sinigurado ni Nigel na hindi niya hahayaang maulit 'yung nangyaring barilan kaya nakampante naman ako.
Tumikhim ako, "Glee Sands sure is big."
"Yep," Nigel sounds proud, "Iyong nasa harap ng isla, puro modernong establisyamento. Dito naman sa likod ay medyo old-class. Old-class din 'yung mga naninirahan dito. Maniniwala ba kayo kung sasabihin kong mayayaman ang mga nakatira sa nipang 'yun?"
He pointed the nipa huts I was staring at a while ago, making my eyes widen.
"Are you serious?" Gulantang kong tanong.
Tumango siya, "I live there. 'Yung nasa pinakagilid."
Tinignan ko 'yun bago bumalik ang tingin ko sakanya, "So you're rich, too?"
He just grinned, "Who knows? Hindi naman 'yun ang ipinunta natin dito. Bibili lang tayo ng tilapia pero mukhang nagkakasiyahan ang mga tao."
Nagpatuloy kami sa paglalakad. Sa malapitan ay hindi ko maiwasang hindi mamangha lalo.
Instead of old woods kasi, ang mga stall ay gawa sa kawayang pino at malinis. Mukhang mamahalin. Napansin ko rin ang isang alahas na suot ng babae sa may stall ng shell necklaces, it was from Talbot! They're expensive!
Looks like Nigel wasn't lying. The people here are really rich... but chose to live a life here rather than dwelling in the city.
"Hey, Dali. Magkano 'tong tilapia para sa gwapong katulad ko?"
Agad na nalukot ang mukha ko sa narinig. Nilingon ko si Nigel na nakangising aso sa harap ng stall ng isda. Malamig namang tinignan ng babaeng may salamin si Nigel dahil sa sinabi nito. Humalukipkip siya bago binaba ang librong hawak.
"Isang libo, isang piraso." She said in a maldita tone, making Nigel's grin drop.
Muntikan na ako humagalpak ng tawa sa rinig. Buti naman at mukhang hindi lang ako ang naiinis sa kalokohan ng lalaking 'to.
"Dali naman. Parang hindi magkaibigan, ah?" Lumukot ang mukha ng isa pero dinukot niya pa rin ang wallet bago kumuha ng... what the fuck?
Umawang ang labi ko sa iilang libong halos hindi magkasya sa pitaka niya. Where did he even get those? Tip ba 'yun sakanya?! But it's all brand new! Pay day niya ba kay Novan? Pero wala akong nakita!
"Here, limang libo. Bigyan mo ko ng lima. Mukhang matataba 'tong tilapia mo. Worth it din para sa isang libo lalo na kung ikaw tindera." Nigel chuckled on his own demeanor.
My lips twitched. Hindi ko naiwasang hindi mapailing at mas piniling lingunin na lang ang pinagkakaguluhan ng mga bata at matanda sa may gitna ng bayan. May sumasayaw kasing babae ro'n na may hawak-hawak na fire poi balls.
She's spinning it while dancing gracefully. May takip siya sa mukha pero hindi maiiwasang makita na maganda siya. Ang pamilyar niya pa nga tignan.
"That's Aurelia. Dinala siya rito ng kaibigan ko." I heard Nigel said.
Napamaang ako sa pangalan, "Aurelia? Anong apelyido?"
"Ewan ko. Bakit? Kilala mo?" Tinignan niya ang babaeng sumasayaw.
I shrugged. She has the same name as one of my best friends lang. It kind of reminds me of her lalo na't mahilig din sumayaw 'yung kaibigan ko.
But to be honest, the dancer really looks like my friend! Porsela ang kutis, malinis ang katawan, may katangkaran, mahaba at itim na itim ang straight na buhok. Mukha kasing manika at anghel 'yung kaibigan ko. Tulad na lang nitong sumasayaw.
"Lapitan nga muna natin." Aya ko kay Nigel para na rin makasigurado.
"Ha?! Pero malapit na gumabi!" Maktol niya.
"Sandali lang naman!" Agad ko siyang hinila palapit. Wala na siyang nagawa kung hindi sumunod nang nakanguso.
I gazed in awe at how she danced with poise. Every move she did were like ocean waves by the shore. They were calm, calculated, and swift. Para kang nanonood ng apoy na bumabaga pero malumanay at kaakit-akit tignan. Malulula ka habang sumasayaw siya. And it really reminds me of that friend of mine.
Hindi naman nagtagal ay nawalan ng apoy ang isa sa mga bola niya kaya tumigil siya at tinanggal ang mask. She has a bright smile on her face as she faced the kids and greeted them warmly. Doon din ay nanlaki ang mata ko.
"Oh my god... Aurelia?!" I shouted amidst the crowd, making some heads turn in my direction.
Napalingon din naman siya sa'kin, bakas sa mukha ang saya na agad napalitan ng gulat. For a moment, she stiffened. Her eyes widened. Panandalian siyang namaalam sa mga bata bago ako nilapitan. Gaya ng dati ay mukha pa rin siyang anghel. Agad na binalot ako ng saya.
"Solace!" She shrieked, taking me in her embrace. Niyakap ko rin siya nang mahigpit pabalik.
"Oh my! Lia?!" Namamangha kong tanong, "You're dancing here?!"
"Magkakilala pala talaga kayo." Nigel intruded.
"Oh, Nigel!" Aurelia chuckled at him, bumitaw siya sa yakap atsaka ako inakbayan, "You know Solace?!"
"Siya 'yung sabi kong psychotherapist ni Novan." Bumusangot si Nigel.
Magkakilala rin pala sila?
Hinampas ko si Nigel, "Parang hindi ka pa masaya na may maganda kang kasama sa bahay 'e 'no? Echosero ka."
Napahalakhak si Aurelia, "Still the same old Solace I know. I never expected to see you here. I miss you and the girls. How have you been?"
"Stress." Ngumuso ako, "Pero ayos lang. We're all thriving, aren't we? How about you? Why are you here?"
She chuckled, "I'm here to unwind. Nirecommend ng doktor kong pogi. Besides, it's fun to be here, you know! Na-move kasi ng isang taon treatment ko so next year pa ako aalis. Atsaka kailangan ko rin umalis ulit ngayon. Baka makita ako ng doktor ko. Lagot ako."
"Lagot ka talaga! Nandyan na siya!" Gatong ni Nigel bago tinuro ang isang lalaki sa kalayuan na mukhang may hinahanap.
Aurelia's eyes widened. She immediately kissed my cheek as a way of saying goodbye bago binalik ang suot na mask. Pinanood ko siyang tumakbo sa direksyon kung sa'n kami babalik ni Nigel. Nagmamadali siya pero hindi nawala ang ngiti sa labi. Napakurap-kurap na lang ako nang mawala siya sa paningin namin.
And because I saw her. I can't help but think how are my friends. Wala akong contact sakanila. Hindi ko alam sa'n phone ko kasi mukhang nagkapanic attack si Novan dahil do'n. Hindi ko na rin naisipang tanungin ulit sa takot na baka anong mangyari sakanya.
"Ang tahimik mo na 'ata, Sol?" Nigel asked along our way. Malapit na ngang gumabi talaga habang pabalik kami sa bahay ni Novan.
"I just miss my friends. Hindi ko na kasi sila nac-contact. Ang tagal na simula 'nung nagkita-kita kami." Sabi ko, "I tried asking Novan about my phone but... well, he had a panic attack afterwards."
"Hala..." Natigil si Nigel sa paglalakad, "Nasa'kin phone mo. Ako nagtago nu'n dahil utos ni Novan."
Nagliwanag ang mukha ko, "Where is it then? Novan allowed me to use it, you know!"
"Naiwan ko ro'n sa nipa hut," Napakamot siya ng ulo, "Mukhang bukas ko na siya kukunin kasi 'yung susi ng bahay ko ro'n, andon din kay Novan."
Agad na nawala ang ngiti ko, napalitan 'yun ng inis. Sa nadarama ko ay hinablot ko ang plastic ng tilapia na hawak niya bago naunang tinahak ang daan papunta kay Novan. Ibubuhos ko na lang buong sama ng loob ko sa pagluluto nito.
"Sol! Teka lang!"