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CHAPTER SEVEN
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"Ano po nangyari?" Agad na tanong ni Nigel nang bumalik ako sa banyo.
I kept my mouth shut. My heart never calmed down from raging as I fetch my clothes. Walang pakundangan ko binuhat ang labador nu'n palabas ngunit agad din akong napatigil sa bigat nu'n. Sa inis ko, sinipa ko ang balde at tahimik na sumigaw.
"Ako na po. Saan po dadalhin?" Nigel asked behind me.
Napabuntong-hininga ako nang malakas, "Sa labas."
"Pero 'yung utos po ni Sir Nov-."
"Wala akong pakialam sa utos niya. I can pay you higher than the wage he's giving! Pakibuhat na lang sa labas, please. At huwag ka na makipagtalo." Agad kong putol sa inis.
Kapansin-pansin ang pag-igik ni Nigel bago sumunod. Binuhat niya nang walang kahirap-hirap ang labador ng damit ko palabas ngunit hindi pa man siya nakakalayo nang tuluyan ay may humarang na sa daanan niya. Agad na bumalik ang inis ko nang makita ko si Novan.
Magkasalubong ang kilay niya. Hawak-hawak niya ang tsinelas ko sa isang kamay at sa higpit ng kuyom niya ro'n ay hindi ko alam kung maayos pa ba ang lagay no'n.
"Novan..." Agad binaba ni Nigel ang labador.
Kilay ko naman ang nagsalubong. Mukhang talagang susundin na ni Nigel ngayon ang gusto ni Novan kaya pinameywangan ko silang dalawa.
"Ano? Ayaw mo talaga akong pagsampayin?" I asked him sarcastically, "Bakit mo hinaharangan ang daan? Gusto mo pa 'tong isa kong tsinelas?"
Dinampot ko ang natitira kong tsinelas atsaka 'yun malakas na inihagis sakanya. His hand immediately flew to catch it, dahilan para matigilan ako sa nakita.
That was fast!
"You're really..." Novan sighed, "Getting on my nerves."
"Perfect!" Pumalakpak ako, "That's the plan!"
"What is your problem?" He hissed.
"Ikaw!" Nilapitan ko siya at dinuro, "Ikaw ang problema ko! Bakit ba ayaw mo kong pagsampayin?!"
"What the fuck is 'pagsampayin'?" Mas lalong nagsalubong ang kilay niya.
"Hang my clothes, you jerk!" Hinawi ko ang buhok, "Wala na akong damit! And you wouldn't let me hang my clothes?! Gago ka talaga!"
"I never said you can't. Who said that?" Sumeryoso ang mukha niya. Ang tingin niya sa'kin ay lumipat sa likod ko kaya salubong ang kilay ko ring tinignan si Nigel na sumipol lang sa'ming dalawa.
Bumalik ang baga ng dibdib ko, "Nigel!"
How dare him trick me?!
"Pasensya na!" Agad siyang tumakbo papasok sa banyo atsaka sinaraduhan kami ng pinto.
Isang malakas na buntong-hininga na lang ang nailabas ko, sumunod do'n ang hiya nang mapatingin ako kay Novan na hindi maganda ang ekspresyon.
Shocks. I hit his nose with my hard flats. I humiliated him in front of his friends out of some sick joke made by Nigel. Who in the world will not regret that?! Novan even looks displeased! Pero hindi ko naman kasalanan 'yun.
Tahimik akong tumikhim habang nakatingin pa rin kay Nigel. I started fidgeting my fingers when I saw his stares. Salubong ang kilay niya. Matalim ang tingin. Well, lagi namang matalim ang tingin niya sa'kin pero iba 'yung ngayon! He looks like he didn't like what I did - sino ba namang magugustuhang hagisan ka ng tsinelas at sapul pa sa ilong?
Definitely not Antonov Novan Vitre.
"It's not my fault!" Nasabi ko na lang, "Nigel tricked me! I reacted rashly out of devastation, okay?!"
Hindi niya ako sinagot.
"Nigel really has a knack for playing with people. Just pardon them, Nov."
Bumaling ang tingin ko sa likod ni Novan kung sa'n may iilang kalalakihang naglalakad palapit sa'min. Sila 'yung nasa sofa kanina na mukhang nadinig ang komosyon dito. Kaswal ang mga kasuotan nila pero ang tindig at ayos ay hindi. They look pretty luxurious and poise. And I bet they're Novan's friends.
"Hey. I'm Logan, by the way." Ani ng isang lalaking chinito sa direksyon ko, "Giavo Logan Guzon."
Salubong man ang kilay at hindi maayos ang itsura ay tinitigan ko siya, "I'm Solace Cerilla."
"You're from IMI, I heard?" Tanong niya.
Bahagya akong nagulat, "How did you know?"
"I'm working with the Bureau. I'm an SSA. Novan requested to have you investigated. Pasensya ka na." Ngumiti siya, "I told him just now that you're no harm."
Umawang naman ang labi ko, hindi-makapaniwalang may mga ganitong kaibigan si Novan. Wala naman akong pakialam kung pinaimbestigahan niya ako kasi wala akong may tinatago pero hindi nu'n matutumbasan ang namumuhay na dismaya sa loob ko dahil sa narinig.
It's obvious. Novan still doesn't trust me. Sinulyapan ko na lang siya at napansing wala siyang kibo o reaksyon man lang gayong pinahiya ko siya sa harap ng mga 'to.
Nakakahiya!
"Oh! And by the way, this is Quade Garret Guzon, my brother," pakilala 'nung Logan sa katabi niyang seryoso lang akong tinanguan, "This is Yveso Romian," turo niya sa lalaki sa gilid na sinulyapan lang ako, "At 'yung nasa labas is si Wallace Revo Salveste and Dahlia Romian. We're Novan's friends. Sorry if our approach was rude to you a while ago," he looked at me, apologetically.
Tumango na lang ako. Bukod sa hindi ko alam anong gagawin ay alam kong sobrang haggard ko tignan ngayon. Wala akong ligo ng apat na araw kaya hindi rin ako tumatabi sakanila. Somebody said na ang baho kanina! Of course, I'll distance myself!
"Get Nigel to hang your clothes," Singit ni Novan sa katahimikan, "And take a bath... on a room next to mine. It's open. You're smelling."
He left afterward, his friends followed him. Palihim ko namang inamoy ang sarili nang makailis sila. Napaikot ako ng mata nang wala naman akong maamoy pero sinunod ko pa rin ang bilin niya. Mabilis kong kinatok si Nigel at sinabihan ng gagawin niya bago ako tumakbo sa ibabaw.
I didn't mind his friend's stares nang madaanan ko sila sa may living room. I went straight to my room to fetch some clothes and towel, then I went to the room next to his. Ang hindi ko lang inaasahan sa pagpasok ay ang mga nakahilerang canvas sa paligid.
There are canvas of nude paintings all around. They were drawn pretty accurately in perspective and they're very fascinating to see as well. Hindi ko pa naiwasang hindi tignan lahat bago ako dumeretso sa isang pintuan kung sa'n ang banyo.
Paintings ba 'yun ni Novan? But I've never seen him draw. Tanungin ko na lang siya minsan.
I proceeded to take a bath. Inside my mind lies the idea that Novan's house is no joke. It's wideness outside compensated from how vast it is inside. Iilang pinto rin ang narito sa second floor at may iilan din sa first. I wonder if how many rooms with bathrooms he has and how much is he paying every month for electricity and water.
Ang kwarto ko kasi ay nasa pinakadulo ng buong second floor. Okupado naman ni Novan ang may pinakamalaking pinto. Bukod sa kwarto naming dalawa ay may tatlo pang pintuan sa second floor, isa ss bukana ng hagdanan at dalawa pa sa gitna ng kwarto naming dalawa.
He's rich, for sure. Even his friends yelled luxury lalo na 'yung babae kanina na puno ng alahas sa katawan at mukhang sopistikada.
Agh. I miss wearing those. I miss going out wearing my expensive layers of coat, carrying my bag, and walking like I own the world!
Pinatay ko ang tubig bago napatingin sa mga hilera ng strawberry-based bathing essentials sa gilid. Dinampot ko 'yun at walang-pakundangang ginamit dahil sa bango.
Mabilis din naman akong nakatapos. Agad kong sinuot ang natitira kong damit na isang spaghetti strap at jogging pants. Unlucky for me because I don't have any panties anymore kaya hindi na ko nagsuot nu'n.
I went out, feeling fresh from feeling the water on my skin. Umaapaw tuloy ang mood na bumaba ako at sumulyap sa living room kung nasa'n nando'n pa rin sila. Nakita 'ata ako ni Logan dahil sumenyas siyang lumapit.
Nagtataka man ay sumunod din ako. Bahagya pa akong nahihiya sakanila dahil sa nangyari kanina pero tila wala lang sakanila 'yun. Patuloy silang kumakain ng pizza at burrito, dahilan para kumalam ang sikmura ko.
"I ordered for you!" Tili ng babae na sa hinuha ko ay si Dahlia.
Tumayo siya at tumakbo sa'kin kahit naka-heels. Tinabihan niya pa ako, malaki ang ngiti niya. Hindi naman ako nagsalita kasi naaalala ko pang siya 'yung nagsabi kaninang mabaho.
Her short straight hair was well-combed. Bumagay 'yun sa mukha niyang sopistikada rin tignan. Her skin is light, light-toned katulad ng kaibigan kong si Aster. Her features are those of a mix of European and Filipino. Mukhang half siya.
"I'm Dahlia Romian! Novan's cousin, mother's side. You're Solace, right? I'm so sorry for my rude approach awhile ago. Nagulat lang ako. But come! Eat with us! I ordered a lot! " She hooked her arms around mine bago ako hinila katabi niya sa couch.
Pressure immediately ran through me lalo na't mukhang hindi basta-bastang mga tao ang nasa paligid ko. Pero nanatili ako ro'n dahil na rin sa imbitasyon ni Dahlia.
Ayoko namang tanggihan lalo na't mukhang naeengganyo siya sa presensya ko. I wonder why.
"I apologize in behalf of Dahlia. Is it awkward to eat with us?" Logan asked, hawak-hawak niya ang malaking burrito.
I nodded, "I just met you, Novan's friends."
"I like that!" Dahlia giggled, "You're so honest."
"Sorry."
Tinampal niya ako, "Ano ka ba?! It's fine! Besides, that's normal."
She winked at me nang lumipat sakanya ang tingin ko. Dinampot niya rin ang isang pizza at burrito bago 'yun binigay sa'kin, bagay na tinanggap ko naman. I waited for seconds before eating. Minasdan ko muna ang paligid kasi baka may mangyaring hindi ko magustuhan.
"Will Zenovan come?" Tanong ng lalaking hindi ko nakita kanina. Looks like he's Wallace.
"He's busy stalking the woman he likes." Tumawa si Logan, "Man was whipped. West is the same, too."
I bit in my burrito. I don't know who they're talking about. Maybe their acquiantance or whatever. Wala naman akong pakialam do'n bukod sa katotohanang kanina ko pa napapansin ang pagtingin ng kapatid ni Logan sa'kin.
What was his name again? Quade? That's a pretty name for someone who looks this stoic.
"By the way, Solace," Dahlia turned to me, "What kind of psychotherapist are you?"
Bahagya akong napatigil sa pagkain. All of their gazes as well went to me when they heard Dahlia's question.
Even Novan who was quiet on the corner stared at me, waiting. Doon ko naman naisip na ipaalam sakanya ang dapat niyang malaman lalong-lalo na patungkol sa pwesto ko.
I smiled, "I specialized in different fields. Psychiatric, Impatient Care, and Clinical. I do counselling as well. I know it's kind of confusing that I'm 27 now and I already obtained higher degrees... but it was all down to connections and my knowledge in the field. I was advanced due to that."
"Whoa." Dahlia stared in amusement, "Pareho pala kayo ni Quade rito. Young yet both of you are professionals already."
"It took quite of us, I think, to reach this state."
"Of course! Kahit nga noong nag-aaral pa lang ako sa Nursing, halos umayaw na ako." Ngumuso siya, "But now I'm successfully a registered and certified nurse!"
"Congratulations to you." I smiled widely, letting down my guard around them.
Mukhang ayos naman sila lalo na't madaldal si Dahlia at Logan. Ang natitira namang mga kapre ay tahimik lang na nakikinig. Isang tanong, isang sagot sila kung magsalita.
Doon ko rin nalaman sakanila ang iilang mga bagay. Like how Wallace Revo Salveste, the quiet man near Novan is a neurosurgeon. Halos lahat pala sila ay propesyonal na.
May kanya-kanya pang kumpanya ang iba at ang dahilan lang sa pagbisita nila rito ay ang pinaplano raw nilang pagtitipong magkakaibigan na laging nauudlot.
"How about you, Solace?" It was Logan's turn to divert the attention on me, "Do you miss your friends?"
I can't help but thin my lip. Speaking of, I never contacted them because my phone is nowhere to be found. Ang huling pagkikita namin ay noong nagkascandal si Avelle.
After that, we haven't really met again. Especially kami ng kaibigan kong si Aster. I heard before I went here that she was finally successful than she had ever been.
"Oo naman. It's just that we have our own lives and they quite understand that I'm here for..." Napatingin ako sakanya, "Novan's treatment."
Novan's jaw clenched when I said that. Ininom niya ang wine na hawak nang mapatingin sakanya ang kaibigan niya, inoobserbahan siya.
"How's it going so far?" Dahlia proceeded to lit the fire.
Doon ko na tinitigan nang maigi si Novan, "He's not cooperating."
"Naman!" Dahlia turned to him, "We were expecting some get together! You should cooperate, Nov! You need to get better when everyone is present!"
"It's fine..." Maagap kong sabat, "Healing is not something you should rush. It takes time, ample or long-term. It doesn't depend on anything but yourself. If you want to be at peace or you want to deal with the chaos, you have to be patient. All of those takes time. It's not that easy."
Sinadya kong lakasan ang boses para marinig niya. He should cooperate with me this time now that I'm admitting his circumstance to his friends. I'm sure his ego won't let this slide and I'll use that to my advantage.
Ngumuso si Dahlia, "Nag-aalala na kami sakanya kaya ko siya plinanong bisitahin. Hindi nga lang nakapunta ang iba dahil sa kanya-kanya nilang work so..." Mas humaba ang nguso niya, "Agh! Damn it! I just wanted to get over this! Novan! It's been a long time! You have to heal from that! You promised!"
Sa gulat ko ay tumayo si Dahlia at nagmartsa palabas ng living room. Then I saw Yveso nod at Wallace. Tumango naman siya't sinundan si Dahlia sa labas. Naiwan akong kasama sina Logan, Yves, Quade, at Novan sa palibot ng sofa.
Madilim ang mukha ni Novan. Malayo sa'min ang tingin niya. Nang magtanong si Dahlia sa sitwasyon niya ay nakita ko na ang pag-iwas niya ng tingin. Logan just sighed. Wala namang karea-reaksyon si Yves at Quade hanggang sa napatingin kaming lahat kay Novan na tumayo at walang paalam na umalis.
Napatayo na rin ako, "I'm... sorry. If I ever triggered something, I'm so-."
"No. No," Maagap na saad ni Logan, "Dahlia had always been like that. Spoiled to the core lalo na ng mga pinsan niya. Nag-aalala lang siya kay Novan. Matagal na rin kasi simula nang hindi na umalis si Nov dito. We figured it was his health that's why I'm thankful to you... for taking care of him."
I sighed, "I didn't really take care of him. We're always arguing. And now, I think I have to apologize to him, too. I just don't know how to lie sometimes especially when it involves my patient's health. I'm sorry again. I'll be going."
"We will depart, too. Kami na bahala kay Dahlia. Ako na rin bahalang magsabi kay Nigel na magligpit. Go, Miss Cerilla. Please take care of Novan." Paalam niya nang nakangiti. Tumango naman ako bago dumeretso sa taas kung sa'n ko namataan si Novan.
He entered his room again, which I thought of as a bad omen. When he entered his room in a rush last time, he had a panic attack.
Now that maybe our open conversation triggered it intentionally, there's no saying what will happen to him. And I'm worried, of course. Who wouldn't be?
"Novan." I called in front of his door, knocking three times every time I call for his name.
Hindi niya ako pinagbuksan. Like hell I expected him to! I triggered him! Intentionally at that! Malamang ay hindi niya talaga ako pagbubuksan.
"Look..." I sighed heavily, "I'm sor-."
Naputol ang sasabihin ko nang biglang bumukas ang pinto. Bumungad sa'kin si Novan na salubong ang kilay. May hawak-hawak siyang tupperware na hind ko mawari anong laman.
"I'm not up for your apology behind closed doors. You even have nothing to apologize for." He said, his eyes still pierced through me.
Napamaang ako, "Pero hindi ba't... you left because you're pissed off by my words? And like how I said that to your friends?"
Or am I assuming things? Did he left for another matter? Perhaps, I pissed him off? Agh! I don't know! He's not giving off any body language or verbal explanation. Too discreet, like always!
"Why would I be pissed off by your words? Do I look that egoistic?" He sounded sarcastic, "I just went to give you this bunch of necessities you might need."
Sa gulat ko ay nilahad niya ang tupperware na hawak. Hindi ko pa rin alam anong laman nu'n lalo na't nakaplastic ang kung anumang pinapabigay niya. Tinanggap ko na lang 'yun sa kabila ng pagtataka.
"You said you need me to cooperate with you..." Nag-iwas siya ng tingin, "And I got Dahlia worried. I'll cooperate then. Wjat do you want me to do?"
"If you wanted to cooperate with me because your cousin said so then don't." Agad kong putol, "I want you to cooperate with me if you want to. Healing is not something you'll force or do for other people's sake and favor. Healing..." Nilapitan ko siya atsaka binigay pabalik ang tupperware, "... is something that should come naturally if you want to. Conformity here is not an option. Conformity is not healing."
Tahimik niya akong tinignan. Surprisingly, he didn't argue this time. Nakatingin lang siya sa'kin ngunit wala akong may mahinuhang emosyon sa mata niya. It's like you're staring at the voidness and dark, nothing to see and decipher.
He's like a robot, an emotionless man with no empathy in him. And I can't help but wonder just what kind of chaos did he face to be in this state.
I guess it's a trait of mine ever since that happened. To always wonder what kind of violence did someone went through to be that gentle and kind.
I want to climb the walls they built and reach out for the person hiding behind those. I want to know who they are behind their facades.
"Then, guide me better."
Naputol ako sa pag-iisip at napatingin kay Novan, "What?"
"Guide me, Solace." Mataman niya akong tinignan, "Guide me how to heal."
Panandalian akong natigilan. That's a first. And I thought of at that moment that I guess he is no exception in my principles. He is a walking mystery, after all - someone I can't ever figure out. Just like how I always am, I also wanted to know what kind of person he is before he fell in this pitfall of void and darkness. I don't just want to heal him.
I want to know him better than anyone else.
Better than he knows himself.