Art Drawn By Me! And I may be able to do something similar for you! Commissions are open on Kofi! Just check my profile and the end of this chapter for the website link! Also, this cutie is free to download along with an Aang Chibi in my little shop over there. I hope to have more options as time passes. On with the story!
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Ayaan quietly sat by the river, alone and contemplative as he stared at the full moon. If it was early or late he couldn't tell, as his dreams had kept him from any decent amount of sleep. Though, frankly speaking, that was nothing new.
Many things plagued his mind on a daily basis. Rarely were those things his accomplishments. Every demon in his mind whispered taunts and lullabies whenever he was alone. Whenever something happened they'd rear their ugly heads and yell how right they were about him.
He'd never be enough.
He'd never be able to protect.
He'd already failed before, what would stop him from failing again?
So many close calls, so many times things have been out of his control. Fire nation invading their home and thus, starting this dangerous journey. That stupid king arresting them for a damn reunion. His siblings' own stupidity taking a joy ride on a mail cart in the first place... Who even does that when they are trying to be stealthy?
Apparently, his family. He needed to have words with them about this. He couldn't deal with another problem like the ones before.
He understood that they were children. They didn't know the true horrors of the world aside from outside glimpses. Yes, Aang lost his people. Yes, Katara and Sokka both lost their mother as well.
But he was the one that was there. He saw it, felt it, and lived through that very moment. Her last breath, her last words, her last scream, he was there for all of it. It haunts his every dream, overshadowing every happy memory he wished was stronger than his pain. He was the only one to experience such a thing firsthand, and the result of it will forever mark his skin.
A permanent stigma reflects back at him as he continues to look into the flowing water.
He says nothing to Katara when she constantly brings it up on their travels. He doesn't say how much it hurts to be reminded again and again that their mother is gone, and that he's a scarred reminder. He says nothing of how much it... irritated him whenever she would touch that necklace only to speak of her loss.
He never let his pain show.
He never let his anger show.
He lets her do whatever she thinks will help her cope with the fact their mother is gone. It is a sore subject, not something they speak of often. They each coped with it in their own way, and never shared their individual experience of that day with each other.
In Ayaan's case, he hopes to never have to share it with anyone other than his Grandmother. He'd never even spoken of it to his father. It was... too hard for him to do that. Gran-Gran was a pillar for him, someone he knew could handle everything he told her and give him comfort for it.
She was his reason he didn't completely disappear.
Ayaan continued to stare into the ripples of the river. In them, he could almost see himself, the 'him' before it all went wrong. He can almost see the ghost of his wide smile when he too didn't know of cruelty. He can almost hear his laughter when his mother would tell them silly stories about their father.
Almost.
'But 'almost' is never enough to get passed her agonized screams, never enough to get past the vicious reminder on my skin.'
He let the thought fade away with the river current, accessing his other thoughts.
Kyoshi Island started off badly but ended up being a valuable stay. Begrudgingly, he admitted to himself that Omashu wasn't bad. In fact, aside from that incident (he is still considering regicide), he'd enjoyed his stay there too. They made strong allies so far: The Kyoshi Warriors, Mr. Lorry, Mr. Reeds, The Triplets, The mining towns, numerous earthbenders, the Phantom Unit, Yon, The entire Asrar Clan (apparently), and even civilians they'd met along the way.
Then there was his... um... fan club. He still had trouble wrapping his head around that. People liked him, really liked him. As gratifying as that was, he couldn't help but think:
'Who would like someone like me? Someone scarred. Someone... different.'
Ayaan knew that he wasn't normal. He was stronger, faster, and healed differently than everyone around him. He could take more, he could endure more. He was larger than almost everyone he's ever met, Yon being the first to be taller.
Then, there was how he felt about the world around him.
Katara confirmed that she could not sense the water around her. Even Aang, as the Avatar, couldn't do something like that. It left him to think about what Yon said.
Everything that made him different was that he was a "blessed child". The way Yon had explained it, it wasn't simply receiving favor from a spirit. It was a state of being, a rare one.
She said that 'water is life', which is why animals don't mind his presence when he isn't hunting. It was the reason the wolves played with him when he was younger, why Appa liked him upon their first meeting and Momo's favoritism towards him.
He was drawn to water and felt... 'at home' near it.
This is why in this state of turmoil, as the sun began to peak over the horizon, he still sat near the river, simply watching it flow by. The illusion of a man's laughter for some reason eased him.
"Despite my own caution, I have never wondered who you are."
He never thought about who was laughing, or who was singing. Since his earliest memory, they'd been a constant presence to him. You don't suddenly question something that's always been with you. It becomes a natural part of you, at least, for him it had.
His grandmother said that they were spirits watching over him. His mother added to that, stating that they must have been the moon and sea, watching over one of their beloved children.
When he was a child, it was just a bedtime story to him.
When he became a teen, they were just the folklore of his home.
When he was burned, he wondered why such 'great beings' couldn't protect them.
He wallowed in anger, sadness, and in longing.
And now, on the cusp of being an adult, he was left wondering...
"Why is it that you laugh when I come near? Why does my presence make you so happy? Are you a figment I created just to soothe my pain or are you really looking out for me in your own way?"
He'd never actually addressed it before. Before, there wasn't really a need to. He would just bask in the safety he felt, something that now... he found rare.
Touching the water, he could almost feel it caressing his fingers gently. As if it wanted to hold them. "I can tell... that you aren't here, with me. So why can I still feel you near?"
He knew that they would not be able to answer, yet still, he asked, "Why am I like this?"
Why am I different?
Why are you there?
Why do you love me?
The voices on the wind he always heard seemed to weep silently, flitting through his glistening silver hair before blowing past him softly, away into the distance.
He felt like it was trying to lead him away from his pain.
He felt like it was trying to guide him to a better place, to them, to where he was supposed to be.
He felt, even though he could not understand it, that they had always been trying to.
Since he was a child.
Since he was a teen.
Every night, every chance they got, they tried to lead him...
'Home.'
When near water, when listening to their soothing voices, Ayaan always felt a sense of... home. That horrible, encapsulating disconnect he always felt wasn't as daunting under the light of the moon.
'I long for something I've never seen or touched.'
Yet for some reason, though he had a longing to just follow, he was unable to take a single step.
'I promised to protect them. That is not a promise I will forsake for as long as I'm able.'
As if they understood him, that gentle breeze eased into nothing but a comforting breath. While the waters of the river still clung to his fingers, they were no longer tugging him in the same direction. Rather, it was a solemn caress, sorrowful, yet understanding.
"I'm sorry," He felt the need to say. In these moments, he would have spoken with Gran-Gran. She'd be able to reassure him that everything was okay, that it would be okay. She assure him that his decision was the right one, as she could tell how much thought he put into it.
'But what if this was the wrong choice? What if I should have gone with them, and let them lead me to the place I can tell will keep me safe?'
With Gran-Gran's presence there, all of the negatives in his mind would become a tranquil silence. The pure, steady presence that his grandmother brought him eased those small worries he'd had. She always assured him that he should follow what he feels is best.
'I really wish I had Gran-Gran with me. How would I be able to write a letter home?'
She was his pillar, especially after their father left. That moment, their last conversation with each other had left him no short of a mess. It wasn't something he will ever speak or think about, because the fact remains that their father still left for the war in the end.
It didn't matter how much he begged for him to just... stay.
A part of him resented his father's leaving, and a part of him was angry.
But mostly, he was just sad. A bit heartbroken. A lot lonely.
He no longer wanted to think about how great Gran-Gran had been for him during that time. Gran-Gran wasn't here. Now. She was home, a place he dearly missed right now. Is this how his father feels right now, wherever he is?
Homesick, anxious, and tired?
When he was home, he didn't have to worry as much about tomorrow. But out here, he was left with this weight on his shoulders. He had to deal with this sense of 'missing', to the point something in his chest would ache.
Missing his mother.
Missing his father.
Missing his grandmother, their tribe, and his home.
Missing something he couldn't understand.
Simply missing.
Ayaan sighed deeply, trying to shake away those thoughts. He didn't have the time to feel like this, and there were others who needed more than he did, like Aang.
That kid... He knows that Aang will eventually carry even more weight on his shoulders than him. What he has was nothing in the face of what Aang will eventually need to carry as the Avatar. His journey will be hard, perilous, and something no 12-year-old should have to ever go through.
But he was the Avatar, so he had to. Ayaan thought it was so unfair to him to have to deal with something like this so young.
'It was unfair to me, and it is unfair to him, too, no matter how noble of a job it is.'
So, all he could do was help him as much as he could. Unlike how he was, he didn't want Aang to be alone dealing with it all.
'I don't know if Dad left for revenge, justice, or distance, but it doesn't change the fact that he left. It doesn't change the fact that we, that I, wasn't enough to make him stay.'
Even if he couldn't carry everything—as much as he wanted to as his honorary older brother—he wanted to at least be there for him. That is why Ayaan wanted to train him. He wanted to prepare him for what this journey was likely going to put him through.
Prepare him for that responsibility.
Prepare him for that difficult choice.
Even though Ayaan knew he didn't want to acknowledge it, he was sure Aang knew what he'd eventually need to do to end the war. Everyone knew it.
'Cut off the limbs, it can't move. Stab the heart and the body withers.'
They were already working on 'cutting off the limbs'. It was a part of the many long-term plans that Ayaan had in mind should he ever get the chance to intact them.
'Cut off the head, there is no way for it to survive.'
For the war to end, the head leading them needs to be dealt with.
Such vicious thoughts, but war and heartache made thinking such things easy for Ayaan. The shine of his hair said nothing of the darkness that he carried.
He knew his family would never think as he did, though. He never wanted them to. Let them retain their innocent wonder for as long as he could protect it. But that didn't mean he wouldn't prepare them all for what might come.
A moment he won't be with them, which had happened more often than he'd have liked to (which is never). Nothing horrible happened in those times, thankfully, but what if...
What if...
'What if I do fail again...?'
Unable to protect them...
Burning... Burning away—
He shook the thought away. He couldn't fall back into that abyss again. He didn't want his nightmares to become night terrors... again. He will keep them safe. He had to.
Bitterly, he let the thought pass that maybe they didn't care as much about their safety. Not like he did. Most, if not every problem to be had on this journey was caused by them, themselves. He could only clutch his spear tightly, ignoring the sting of his burns as they warned him he was right.
If another problem came to be, he'd protect them.
'...I have to.'
He promised his mother that he would, and he was a man that did his best to keep promises.
A rumbling but soft growl caught his attention, turning only to find a giant tuft of fluff heading directly toward him.
"Appa? Are you okay?" He asked, running his large fingers through the soft fur. Appa only continued to growl softly, nuzzling into him with his gigantic nose. The action made him tumble, but the lovable beast didn't stop cuddling against him.
In fact, Appa lifted him up by the collar of his shirt, toting him like a cub back towards the fire where everyone else was still asleep. He curled his six, strong legs into a comfortable resting position, placed Ayaan on his foreleg, and ever so slightly, curled around him. When all was said and done, Momo landed on his chest, his usual sleeping place, and purred as he nuzzled beneath his chin.
Slowly, ever so slowly, Ayaan realized what was happening.
"You both... were worried about me?"
They held him closer, closing their eyes in silence.
Ayaan felt another sense of ease wash over him as he smiled softly. "I'm sorry I worried you."
When Ayaan went back to sleep, just like a few times before, he had a pleasant, dreamless rest. This little bit of peace? He'd take it while it lasted.
He had a feeling that their stop at the nearby market would stir his heart up once again.
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A/N: Just in case some of my readers didn't get the message I sent out, as I know some of my preferred platforms don't allow me to do that, a few of the arcs have been switched around for plot reasons. The Waterbending Scroll, Jet, and THEN The Winter Solstice arc, okay? I wanted to put it here just in case no one was able to read that message and was confused.
I will be going on a bit of a Hiatus for a while, as there is a lot I'm working on at the same time. This will go for all of my stories, okay? Thank you for being patient.
Your Author,
-Jenna
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