(If you enjoy listening to music while reading, here is the song I listened to while writing this chapter! Solitude - Felsmann + Tiley Reinterpretation by M83)
My legs shook insatiably in anticipation as I sat at the Gryffindor table for dinner that night. I hadn't much felt like eating but my mind was too busy hopping and skipping over itself to sit up in my room alone. Merlin only knew how chaotic my brain would be then.
Natty and Marlene had welcomed me excitedly, scooting over so there was a spot next to them facing the rest of the Great Hall.
Hard as a tried, I wasn't able to focus on much more than a sentence of their conversations but thankfully they didn't seem to notice. My eyes wandered the room from the floating candles and enchanted ceiling, to the golden goblets filled to the brim with juice, to the metal owl that stood tall at the front of the room, around at the excited and pink-cheeked students at each table before finally falling upon a familiar face across the room.
Sebastian was laughing, head thrown back at something Ominis or one of the other Slytherins had just said and though Ominis tried to look unamused, a hint of a smile tickled his features. I watched as Sebastian loaded his friend's plate up with mashed potatoes and gravy before placing the fork gently into his hand, assuring he had a good hold of it before turning back to his own meal. The dark circles under Sebastian's eyes I had noticed earlier were harder to see from here but every now and then, his mask would waver and the tired boy I had spoken to in the library stared glaze-eyed into his food, up at the candles, or right at me.
oh.
at me.
Only, I didn't panic at being caught staring. My normal uncertainty and anxieties around prolonged eye contact whispered away as we stared across the lines of students devouring their meals and talking excitedly to each other. His warm brown eyes studied my features and he smiled, but not the bright, troublesome smile I had come to know him by. No. This smile was different. This smile was accepting. This smile was understanding. This smile was filled and dripping with a pain I knew too well, a pain I'd hoped the world had saved only for me. I felt my heart crumble at the knowledge that this boy I'd only just met could feel the world as heavy a burden as I - that our brains had filed away what pain we had and collected the remains of our hearts with hastily sewn stitches. I felt the edges of my lips smile softly in return.
Our second of eternity was over too soon.
Ominis was rapping Sebastian's knuckles with his wand, brows furrowed and Sebastian snapped his eyes away. He shook his hand at the sting, the troubled smile returned to the troublesome one.
I swallowed and took a deep breath as I looked down to the empty, shining platter in front of me, feeling the emptiness of my emotions filling my stomach.
I can't sit here.
Standing up as quietly as I could, I tapped Marlene and Natty on the backs respectfully and let them know I would see them back in our room later tonight. Marlene caught my hand and gave me a tight lipped smile.
"Want me to come with? I just finished eating."
I thanked her but assured her I ultimately just had to finish a few assignments in the library. I would see her later tonight.
She nodded and tapped my hand to let me go.
——
I didn't go to the library. In fact I didn't go anywhere in particular. Instead, I wandered the castle.
Hallway after hallway. Painting after painting. Ghost after ghost.
The last rays of daylight shriveled in on themselves, dancing one last staccato movement before disappearing below edges of stone. One by one, the hallways became quieter and quieter until it was just about curfew.
I traced my steps back to the portrait hole that led to the Gryffindor common room. One toe to each step I climbed up to my dorm room and crawled into bed, not even bothering to change out of my school clothes.
I was thankful my roommates were in bed and asleep early that night. Even Marlene had fallen asleep half propped upright by the time I reached our room. A book lay limply in her lap - she had no doubt been trying to wait up for me but she was never too good at it. Evidently she wasn't as much a night owl as I. Or maybe I was just too ridden with guilt, and that was all there was to it.
Flat on my back, I stared up into the canopy of my bed. Two more hours.
Two more hours.
Two more hours.
I decided to close my eyes in an attempt to settle my heart. I pictured myself walking the halls, tracing the path I would take to the library in two hours. Down the long hallway with the Niffler painting, around the corner and down the spiraling stairs, across the stone landing, past more paintings and a large metal mirror...
A mirror?
I don't remember there being a mirror.
Stepping closer, I peered inside, my dark, candle-illuminated face stared back. Her eyes looked vacant, her cheeks red, her lips a warm pink. Around her head was a jumbled grey and black cloud, twisting in on itself and spiraling slowly around the negative space in the mirror.
A searing spark of white blinded my pupils and I reached a hand up to cover my face. I could feel the heat of the flash warm against my cheeks.
When the warmth faded, I dared to peak through my fingers and instantly regretted it.
My parents faces smiled back at me in the mirror.
Only for a moment.
And then the mirror flashed red.
And the faces were gone.
Including mine.
In its place was the scene that had melted itself to my soul, torn at my heart and smashed my lungs.
My parents bodies.
I woke suddenly and violently- sucking the air into my lungs as if I had just been drowning.
My eyes searched madly for the clock in the room and I squinted at the time.
11:54
SHIT.
Time to go.