MANUEL
I was left on the floor. He didn't turn back. I didn't see him again at the airport. Why can't they just leave me alone? Are they stalking me? I thought he would stay because he is on a flight. It's not like I could do anything anyway.
20 minutes later and I was still on the floor. I couldn't get up. I didn't have the motivation to get up. I just laid there, hoping someone will succeed in helping me. I got a call from my mom. She was panicking. "Where are you?" She asked. I was mad. "Why? Why now, mom? Did you just notice? Did you just notice that your mentally ill son is no where near you? Did you ever think that maybe just MAYBE something will happen to your beloved son?" I said.
"Please, baby. I'm sorry let's talk about this. We can cancel the flight. Please, where are you?" My mom said. "I'm in an unknown room near the bathroom." I replied. "Okay. I'll be there in 3 minutes." She said. I hung up the phone. No goodbye or anything. I didn't feel like saying goodbye to my mom.
She found me. She looked very guilty. She sat down on the floor with me. "We have our flight in 3 and a half hours." She said. I just nodded. She caressed my cheek. "Oh baby. I'm so sorry." She said. I just nodded again. I didn't know what to say to her. This is constantly happening now. I don't even know if I want to go to New York anymore.
"Please baby, talk to me. Tell me how you feel." She said. Is she being serious? "Talk to me? No because it's funny how I was BEGGING you just to say a word to me but you ignored me throughout." I said with confidence. "Are you okay? Did something happen? You don't usually talk this way." She said. "Yeah mom, I'm fine." I said.
"Tell me what happened. Now." My mom said. "Nothing happened, ma. I'm hungry." I lied. I wasn't hungry at all. "Don't try to change the subject, young man." She said. "Can we just go?" I said while trying to get up and leave. "No. Tell me what happened. Now." She demanded. "Nothing happened! I was just mad at you for ignoring me." I lied again. I wasn't really mad at her, I was just sad.
"Tell me the truth." She said. Did she know I was lying? I just looked at her. She shook me. "Tell me what's going on, please!" My mom said. I felt overwhelmed so I blurted the real answer out. "I was forced to give a blowjob, okay?" I said. My mom looked shocked. She always does. "That's it, we are cancelling the flight. You need to see Dr. Olivera." She said. "No! Don't cancel the flight because of me. I'm fine." I said.
"No! It's always those words. "I'm fine." You are not fine! You are sick! You need help, Manuel." She said. "Mom, how about this. I could drive home using your car and you can go. Just cancel my flight. I don't want you to not go because of me." I said. "No, you'll go crazy!" She said. "Mom, I will be fine. Don't worry. You should get a break from me." I reassured. "How will I know that you won't get hurt again? How will I know you are going to your therapist?" My mom asked.
"Mom, you can trust me. Please, go to New York City." I said. My mom sighed. "Okay. But call me when you get home. And call me whenever something bad happens. And I'll call you every 3 hours." My mom said. We just laughed. My mom got up and gave me the car keys. "Be safe!" My mom said before going. "Yep! Enjoy your trip!" I yelled out. "Bye baby!" She yelled back.
I sighed. I had to get up and get home as soon as possible.
Finally, I was home. I was starting to unpack all my stuff. My phone was ringing. "Hey baby! Are you home?" She asked. "Yeah, ma." I said. "Okay, just making sure. My flight is in an hour." She said. "Okay." I said. "I called Dr. Olivera. He is expecting you in an hour." She said. "What? Why did you call him?" I asked. "Just to check up on you since you know.." she said. "Oh, okay. I'll be there I guess." I said. "Thanks baby. Don't skip! I will know!" She said. "Okay, bye mama." I said. "Bye." She replied.
Ughhh. I didn't feel like going to the therapist.
Right when I was done unpacking, I got a text from someone. It was my therapist.
T: Hi, Manuel! Our appointment was supposed to start 30 minutes ago. It's alright if you don't want to come. You just need to let me know. 😅
M: oh shit! I totally forgot. I'll be there in 10 minutes.
T: Okay! See you then!
Finally, I was in the waiting room. I didn't dress up too fancy. Just sweatpants, a sweatshirt, and some Nike slides with socks. I put my hood on. I didn't want anyone I know see me here.
It took a while. Liam was busy with his other patients because I was late. The office was busy in general. The therapists there were full. Meanwhile, I talked with a little girl that was in the office. She told me she's here because she was abused by her mother. She was only like what, 9 or 10? I didn't tell her my whole story because she's little and I don't want to traumatize her. I told her that my dad was a bad man that didn't do good stuff to me. I didn't tell her about other people. She was kind and playful. She asked me why there were bandages on my arms. I told her that a bear attacked me and it left me some scratches. She was so innocent, I wish her the best in life.
I also talked to someone around my age. He was a bully. He wasn't kind at all, but maybe that's just him. He didn't want to talk to me at all. He looked like a football jock. He had football gear right next to him. What is a jock doing here? I asked him why he was here in a kind voice and he told me to shut up. He eventually told me anyway. He told me that his mother died by suicide when he was young and his father took out all of his anger on him. His father would beat him and one night he took things too far and touched him. Now, his father is in jail. He said quote "Somebody snitched on him." I told him that I went through something similar, but I wasn't going to explain the whole thing now.
I asked why he had football gear right next to him. He was fidgeting with his fingers. He looked nervous. He then said that he had a football game soon. It was the first game since his father was imprisoned. He was worried about all the questions they were going to ask. He was worried about his coach kicking him out of the team for not attending practices. He was worried that we wasn't going to be good enough for the team. He was here because he was nervous and needed to see his therapist.
His name was Noah. We were so much alike. Everyone used to like us. But now, we were menaces to society. Once, Noah was touched by some people on his football team. His OWN football team. They made jokes about his dad, knowing what he was going through. When he dropped the soap while showering, the guys made jokes and touched him in places. He said it was his fault for everything. It was his fault that his mother died. It was his fault that everyone hated him. It's his fault for being a bully. It's his fault that his father hates him. We were both shedding some tears. He apologized for being so impolite at the beginning. He asked for my number to talk again. I agreed. After we exchanged numbers, I was called to Liam's office.
"Hello, Manuel! Are you ready for today's session?" Liam asked. "Yeah, I guess." I said. "Okay. This session is going to be way more serious. It would be awesome if you answer these following questions for trial. Feel free to ask for a break." Liam said. "Okay." I said nervously.
"First question. When was the first time you have been touched? Can you describe the event to me?" Liam asked. I had to really think about that one. I remembered what happened.
"I was 6. I was at my father's house. He came home from work. I was watching DuckTales in the living room." I said.
"He told me that he had a bad day. I hugged him, hoping to make him feel better. How innocent I was. He asked me if I would do anything to make him feel better. Since I was a little innocent child, I obviously said yes. He told me we were going to play a fun game. Then, he told me to take off my clothes. I followed his orders." I continued.
"I didn't know any better. I followed every order he demanded me to do. I didn't realize that it was bad. For some time, I thought it was okay and normal. We would play the "game" every time I went to his house until now." I said. Liam was jotting things down on paper.
"And I feel like— like everything is my fault every time. My ex-girlfriend and I broke up because of my problems. My friend yelled at me because I didn't want help fixing my problems. My mom screamed at me because she walked in on my suicide attempt." I said while crying.
"It's funny because everything was fine a month ago. I mean, I guess. I was better than this. It's the party. Everything was fine until the party I THREW. It's my fault everything went downhill. Me and my ex-girlfriend broke up. My friend got raped by my OWN brother. There was fights at the party. I burned myself that night. I was triggered by seeing something. I don't know why. My friend cut himself and I saw it and started crying. I have no idea why I went mentally crazy because of that." I continued.
"Manuel. You are not mentally crazy. You are just traumatized. Also, your mother did tell me about your brother. I want to know what you think, then we will resume with the other questions." Liam said. I nodded. "Do you think, or know, if your dad did the same things he did to you to your brother?" Liam asked.
Oh. I never thought of it that way. We did have the same horrible dad. "I have no idea. But that doesn't excuse what he did to my friend." I said. "You are correct. There is no valid excuse to rape someone. However, some people take out their anger by doing the same thing their perpetrator did to them." Liam said. "Can we just move on to the other questions, I don't want to speak about that asshole. He stole my girlfriend and everything." I said.
"Of course. Did anyone touch you recently?" Liam asked. I thought about today at the airport. Adrian pinning me against the wall, threatening me. Was I really brave to tell Liam what happened? I had to either way. He would figure out one way or another. "Yes." I said. "Can you describe it to me?" Liam asked. "I guess. It was today. I went around the airport because my mom was giving me the silent treatment." I said.
"I went into the bathroom and saw someone that hurt me before. Then, I ran into an unknown spot and the person followed me." I said. Liam was scribbling things on his paper. "And then—then the person forced me to give them a blow job. I tried to resist. I promise I didn't want it. I'm skinny and weak and he's buff and muscular. I didn't want it!" I said. "I know you didn't want it. Nobody wants to get raped. I understand that you didn't want it. I believe you." Liam said. Those three words made me sob. That's all I wanted to hear.
"I believe you."