vote and comment. most of all, enjoy💓 sorry for mistakes
SECOND TRIMESTER
AJ POV
"Look who it is."
I glance behind me at the door to the bathroom, already smiling at the unexpected sound of his voice. I look back down at where I'm aiming when I feel his hands slowly creeping their way around me, completely wrapping his arms around my torso.
"Let me pee yo, move," I say and playfully try to shrug Raheem off of me to which he doesn't move a muscle and instead chooses to push his face into my neck. It's fifth period on a Friday and I'm the middle of Science class I had to use the bathroom, but I didn't expect to see him in here. We only seen each other from this morning when he picked me up, but then we had to go separate ways once we stepped inside the school.
"No. I ain't see you since this morning. That's unacceptable."
"So you wanna see me every minute of the day?"
"Every second," Raheem mumbles against my skin. He only gets off of me to use the urinal giving me a chance to finish using it too like I was tryna do before he came in here.
After we're done and wash our hands, we take advantage of the empty bathroom and use the sink for us to brace on while we kiss freely. I quickly found out that this is what it's like going to school with your boyfriend. Any chance we get we locking lips. But we gotta do it when there's nobody around and that's rare.
I struggle to keep my eyes open as Raheem envelopes my lips with his own how he usually likes to do, kissing on them softly as I kiss him back. I don't want it to be that I'm so into what we doing that I don't notice somebody coming in. Especially if it's a teacher; that would be crazy. But I'm having a hard time so I think I just gotta hope for the best.
I chuckle when I realize that we both standing here kissing like we don't got places to be. I move my head back slightly away from the kiss. "Don't you gotta get back to class?"
"It can wait," Rah mumbles out, putting a hand around my waist. "Speaking of class, did you do your math homework?" He asks. I think about it. Ion know why though, I don't ever do shit.
"...Nah."
"Aj."
"I know."
"The lady said you got one more chance to not give her homework before she's lowering your grade," Raheem shakes his head. I don't give a fuck, that lady do too much.
"Let her lower it," I shrug. I woulda did it if it wasn't four front and back pages of work every night. The bitch is bugging. I promise you I'm not sitting there and doing all that. That's mad work.
"You lucky I did it twice. Got different ones wrong and everything. Imma give it to you at lunch." Raheem runs his hand through my hair while I stare at him in awe. Maybe I should get my act together but I already know I'm not. I'll pay him to do my work everyday. Both him and Taleah who still be doing my English work sometimes. "Gotta pay for it though." He finishes.
"How much?"
"Sum reasonable, lemme see." Rah says and then pecks my lips once. I laugh when he backs up with an unsure look on his face. He leans in, kissing me again. He pauses then kisses me three more times in a row, lingering for a while longer on the last kiss. "Aight. That covers it."
I throw one in there myself, not wanting it to end. I gotta remember we at school. I could stand here and do this till the final bell rings and I wouldn't even notice all that time passed. The bathroom door swinging open is what finally forces us to back away from each other and pretend like we wasn't just locking lips.
"Oh wassup nigga, what you doing?" Some nigga asks Raheem, reaching out to dap him up. "You skipping?"
"Nah, using the bathroom."
"Shit I'm bout to skip bro I ain't gon lie. Ms. Jillian is acting crazy."
"Oh aight. You do you." Raheem says, inching forward towards the door as I do the same.
"Yeah...What about you? I forgot your name bro I'm sorry," the nigga laughs now looking in my direction. I look away from him. "Why you never talk? You only talk to Raheem and y'all other friends." He asks amused. I'm not answering that same way I don't answer any other questions.
"Cus he don't wanna talk." Raheem stops walking for a moment to look into his eyes.
"Yeah but to never say nothing at all to anyone? That's some weird shit bro just being honest." He laughs again like it's a joke. "I just asked a simple question and he's staring at me like he can't hear me."
"So you got a problem with that?" Raheem asks.
"No."
"You don't know his name. What y'all gotta talk about?"
"I don't know it cus he don't fucking talk. He only talks to you and like four other people."
"Do you have a problem with that?" He asks again, making sure to ask it clearly this time.
"Nah bro."
"You sure?"
"Aye man, chill. I think I worded it wrong—"
"We good?" Raheem asks him. The boy sighs.
"I don't want no problems. We cool," he holds his hands up.
"Aight then. Leave my n—leave him alone. If he don't wanna talk he don't wanna talk."
"I got you. My bad. My bad bro," he looks at me. And I promise I ain't answering that either. I follow Raheem out the bathroom. Niggas always getting on me for not talking or asking me why I don't talk. I don't know why they so worried about me talking to them. It's already difficult enough for me to have to be around them all day so the one thing I could keep to myself I do and it's my voice.
I always had problems interacting with people and that ain't never changed. I just don't want nobody talking to me at all unless you Raheem, Taleah, Kyra, Ivy or even his boyfriend. That's it. Everybody else is a dub.
"Next time someone keeps bothering you to talk when you don't want to, let me know. For real," Raheem says as we stand in the hallway.
"Cant nobody bother me," I mumble. It's annoying but I try not to let it get to me. Long as they don't get too smart cus then imma be forced to fight. I ain't fight is mad long and I don't wanna start again. When I was fighting everyday that was one of the lowest points in my life ever.
"Yeah but I don't fuck with it. I want you to feel comfortable to move at your own pace with people. And I know it could bother you but you not gon say nun about it."
I focus on the blank wall ahead of me. It's not that I'm not saying anything on purpose, but it's just been happening for so long that I'm used to it. I wish they would leave me alone but that not gonna so I just deal with it. I always had trouble interacting with people but it's not something that bothers me no more because one I don't like people, plus I already found the people I like. So I'm good. I would just be better if they stop mentioning it.
"I'm serious. Cus Imma talk. You ain't gotta say shit." He grabs my hand.
I look over at Raheem who looks passionate about what he's saying. I believe him. I just cant let him know all the time cus it's literally everyday somebody tryna talk to me or ask me why I don't talk. But if I get too annoyed, I'll let him deal with it. Cus I got a temper and like I said, I'm not fighting no more. I don't want to. Cus if I end up fighting I don't know how to stop resorting to it.
"Aight?"
I nod at him. "Yeah."
"Okay," he walks backwards slowly causing our hands to separate. Right as our hands were only attached by the fingertips, the boy comes out the bathroom and nods at us but we don't pay it no mind. "Imma see you later." Rah tells me before turning around and walking back to his class. I turn around and walk in the opposite direction to my class. Soon as I get there the teacher presses me about taking too long but I walk straight past her and right to the back where my seat is. I don't owe nobody an explanation. What if I was taking a dump, I'm supposed to let the whole class know? Fuck outta here.
I pull out my phone seeing that Ivy had texted in the new group chat like two minutes ago.
Ivy: heyyy friendsss
Ivy: i have a favor to ask 🤩
Kyra: ?
Rah: What
Ivy: first off say yes or no
Huang: Yes.
Ivy: omg not u bby 😭 this for the niggas
Huang: I'll kindly see my way out then. 😔
Ivy: ily boo
Huang: I love you too. 😍
Kyra: find a room
Ivy: kyra shut up is it yes or no
Kyra: yes
Rah: Yes
Leah: yeah🤭
Me: No
Ivy: aj it's always you 🙄 say yes
Me: Ok
Ivy: screenshotted y'all can't back out now i'll tell y'all at lunch💞
I already know this bout to be some bullshit.
Two periods pass and then it's finally time for lunch. That's my favorite part of the day, one cus I don't gotta do no work. And two cus that's when I get a chance to be with all the people I'm comfortable with. After dealing with annoying people all day they usually make it better.
"You feening. How you the first one in the lunchroom?" I ask Taleah who's sitting on the windowsill taking pictures.
"And you're second. Apple don't fall too far from the tree now do it," she pokes her lips out into her camera while running her fingers through her new hairstyle. "Papa ate when had me yo," she smiles. "Like oh my God. You see me?"
"Unfortunately," I answer as I take a seat at the table. She throws her lipgloss at my head and just like that she not getting it back. I grab it and hold it in my hand.
"Okay Aj, I see you with the lipgloss. You finally dipping into the other side?" Ivy comes up outta nowhere making Taleah laugh. I throw the lipgloss back at Taleah.
"Fuck outta here," I kiss my teeth. These niggas setting me up.
The lunchroom starts to flood with more people. Some of them make it a point to stop at our table to say hi to Taleah. While I'm usually busy ignoring everybody, my sister is liked by damn near everyone in this school even though she's newer than I am. It's only some specific people I can tell don't like her but it's probably because of the fact that she just got here and she's already liked by everyone. And she's known to be confident and that could come off cocky to some people. But even if she was, they not gon do shit about it. It be the ugly bitches.
"Girl you look so prettyyy," Ivy gasps at Taleah's new hairstyle.
"Thank you boo, and you look mad good like always," Leah pulls him in for a hug. "And you smell so good," she sniffs his hair like the creep she is. Speaking of her getting along with people, she really likes Ivy, Kyra, and Raheem. And me, but she won't admit it. "Look at Aj. Just mad and jealous."
"I swear to everything I'm not," I side eye them. The lengths I would go to not be either of them in this situation is crazy. Like there's really nothing I want less than that. I rather swallow ten glass cups than be one of them. I rather do my homework than that.
Just then Kyra walks up to the table, "Heyyy," she comes around to hit me and Ivy's head, and then she pushes Ivy out the way to give Taleah a hug. But of course she does being that she got a big ass open crush on Leah. Yeah. Soon as she met her and found out she was my sister it was over.
"Oh my God," Taleah throws her head back in laughter. "Hey Kyra."
"Heyyy girl," Kyra smiles, backing up a little bit while intertwining their hands. "You look so pretty like always."
"Thank youuu, as do you of course." Leah grins. "You know we twinning." She says about the fact that they both got blonde hair right now.
"Oh yeah, the baddest bitches are blondes."
"Period," Taleah flips her hair then pats the spot next to her. "Come take pictures with me for my story. We look too sexy."
"You finally claiming me?" Kyra jokes as she hops up on the window to sit next to her.
"Girl," Leah laughs, "You play too much. You my bitch, you know this."
"Whatever, I'll take it." Kyra says. Man she crushing on Taleah mad hard. Taleah still dealing with that nigga plus I don't think she like girls so Kyra is just operating off pure hope. It's crazy though cus they act almost exactly the same. They been getting along well. Kyra is just the meaner version of her.
"Aww look at my girlssss," Ivy exclaims taking pictures of his own, "Y'all so pretty."
I laugh to myself while I watch them do the same poses over and over again just cus they think it ain't come out right. Girls are different.
While I'm in the middle of being entertained by how many pictures they take, I feel a arm wrap around my shoulder. Raheem slides in next to me, extending his hand to my other so I'm completely wrapped in his arm for a brief couple seconds until he eventually lets go. He's always the last one here cus he be running back to his car to get snacks for everybody. He drops them on the table, and everyone goes for the ones they like while thanking him. That's when Leah, Kyra, and Ivy finally decide to stop taking pictures and sit at the table instead.
"Every time Raheem walks into a room, Aj makes the same face," Kyra smiles. What fucking face.
"Oh my gosh I was just bout to say that! I noticed that too," Taleah says, "It's mad adorable I'm not gon lie."
I don't ever want to hear Taleah say anything I do is adorable ever again. In my life.
"It's like all soft and shit. Nigga finally start smiling. Like y'all really in love," Ivy pouts, then gasps, "Wait, are y'all in love?"
"Been," Raheem frowns with a laugh. "For months. Y'all late."
They all say 'aww' simultaneously. I look back down at my phone tryna hide my smile but I'm quickly taken away from it when Raheem pushes my phone down and laughs at me. "Nigga in his calendar," he says making everybody else laugh. Nah that's crazy cus I dead am. I ain't even notice that.
"Ya' getting blocked," I mumble. Every last one of them. Just for laughing. Raheem not included though. He could laugh if he want to. He could do whatever he wants.
It's been about fifteen minutes into the lunch period and Raheem won't stop secretly feeding me chips no matter how many times I turn my face away. He acting like I don't got working hands. "Slave," I mumble.
"Nigga you white," Raheem laughs, "Watch your mouth."
Not gon lie, he got me there. "You got it," I say.
"Yeah. Now say ahh," he shoves another one in my mouth. Mad childish.
I notice out the corner of my eye that the nigga that was in the bathroom is watching us mad hard, so I let Raheem know so that we could stop. He looks to the side of him spotting the boy. I don't know, but I'm getting the feeling that he knows something is up with me and Raheem. We really not out at school. Of course we not DL cus it's not that we don't even wanna be close to each other, but when people is around we try to keep the hugging to a minimum and we don't kiss in front of nobody at all. So if niggas was to think we was in a relationship, it's just speculation that don't mean nothing.
I'm not stupid, I'm sure some people peeped. But my thing is they don't got nothing to base it off of. He probably saw us holding hands in the hallway. Or maybe when he came in we wasn't fast enough tryna pretend we wasn't just kissing. Maybe it's cus he sees Raheem feeding me which friends who are niggas don't do. Or maybe it's the fact that Raheem was ready to have a problem with him over me. Whatever it is has him staring over here.
"He wanna be the third. I'm convinced," Raheem mumbles.
I laugh. "That's all you." Leave me out that shit.
"Aye, you the one he wants to get to know."
"You the one getting life updates. Nigga made sure to let you know you wasn't seeing him for the rest of the day," I argue. I ain't taking the fall for this. And I ain't gon be associated with that nigga either.
"Take it back," Raheems face drops. Yeah he ain't smiling now.
"Nah. Deal with it."
"Oh yeah? See how fast I pick up a late shift tomorrow and you not gon see me all weekend."
"You going too far." I joke. Raheem be waiting outside for me at the ass crack of dawn whenever he got free time, he wishes that was the truth.
Raheem smiles, "Yeah. That's what I thought—"
"Aj! Raheem!" Our names are called out from the other end of the table "Damn what the fuck. I called y'all twice already," Ivy complains.
"My fault," I apologize. Ivy slams his hand down on the table as if he's ready to make a big speech.
"Okay. So remember what I texted y'all earlier? About the favor?"
"Oh boy," Kyra facepalms. "What is it Ivy? What you done got us into?"
Ivy smiles taking a deep breath in. "Alright, so. My friend Elijah is throwing a lit ass party tonight at 9 that he invited me to. He told me to invite my people. Soooo, y'all gon go with me tonight." Ivy raises his eyebrows, looking around for reactions. We all have different ones. Taleah is smiling, Kyra is staring at him with her eyes wide open, Raheem is narrowing his eyes at him, and I'm frowning.
"Fine, I'll go." Kyra rolls her eyes.
"I'm down," Taleah is the second to respond leaving just me and Raheem. Whole time I'm waiting on him to answer, he's looking at me waiting on me to answer.
"Ion know bout that," Raheem says finally.
"Noooo come on. You guys said yes already."
"Yeah but—" Raheem pauses. I don't know why I feel like he's tryna backtrack cus of me cus he knows I don't wanna go to no party. But I don't want that to be the only thing stopping him.
"It's not gonna be bad yall I promise. Aj there's not gonna be that many people either cus I know you don't like that. Pinky promise."
"Aight," I say. I don't wanna be the only only one saying no. Plus I know if I don't go then Raheem is automatically not gonna go either whether he wants to or not.
"You sure?" Raheem asks me. I knew he was just waiting on how I felt. I simply nod. It's whatever. I already said yes even though I got tricked into it. With that, Ivy claps and hops up and down in his seat.
"Yesss, okay so how y'all wanna do this? His house is actually right up the block from your house Raheem if y'all just wanna go there after school."
"No y'all should come to our house cus I need to change. And I got really cute outfits for ya'll," Taleah tells Ivy and Kyra.
"Baby I can not fit your stuff." Ivy says.
"You tryna say I'm not thick?" Taleah gasps. "Please, I got mad stuff for you. I promise."
"No let's talk about the real problem. I'm scared of y'all dad," Kyra admits. "Plus I never met your other dad before and I'm nervous."
"Nervous for what?! My papa is so sweet omg. I get being on edge about my daddy but being scared of papa is crazy," She laughs in amusement. Nah deadass. He not gon do shit but try to hug them, that's it.
"Yeah, he's really nice," Raheem reassures. He's the only one that has really met the both of them and it's been a decent experience each time. My papa really likes him and I been knew my daddy did too. So yeah.
We all finally agree to stop by me and Leah's house after school. I don't plan on changing but I guess it makes sense for Taleah since she looks for any excuse to change her outfit.
Ivy says that everybody that's suppose to be there is chill so it shouldn't be no drama or nothing like that. Hopefully that's true cus I don't want to go in the first place but if it's too active I really can't deal with that.
Once the lunch period is over everybody goes they separate ways—Ivy meeting up with Huang cus they got class together, Leah and Kyra walking to they next class together, then me and Raheem got math class which he gave me the homework for. We always getting in trouble in math class though cus we stay talking to each other. Teacher tried to make us change seats, telling Raheem to move to the front but he told her that he didn't want to and that he's not going to then that was that. It's not like Raheem doesn't pay attention, he's just paying attention to two things at once. Me on the other hand it's either my blank ass desk, or Raheem. There's no in between.
The last two periods of school go surprisingly fast then right at 3:10 on the dot we're all getting into Raheems car and are on our way to me and Leah's house.
In bout fifteen minutes of Ivy, Kyra, and Leah hyping they selves up over this party in the backseat, Rah driving, and me taking a well needed nap after that hard day at school, we pull up. I don't see daddy's car in the driveway so he must be at work. Ion know if papa is with him though.
When we walk inside, I quickly find that papa is still home dressed in a hoodie that belongs to daddy and sweats while in the kitchen cooking something. He turns around once he hears the door open, smiling at all of us. "Oh, what a pleasant surprise," he wipes his hand on a towel, "Hi!"
"Hey papa," Leah skips up to hug and kiss him like usual, damn near clinging to his neck. "What you doing?"
"Well I was making some early dinner for you guys and I am so glad I made a lot. You know, something was telling me. Something kept saying to me 'you're gonna need to make twenty four pieces of chicken Cameron, not twelve. twenty four.' And I had nothing better to do while sitting around in here, so I figured why not just take my time and make twenty four. And I made the right choice because now I have more than enough ready for you all. Well—even if there wasn't a lot ready I would just make more of course. Oh and I made some homemade fries too. The cut is a little wonky but hopefully it tastes okay," he turns back around out of breath from all that talking he was doing, moves a couple thing around, and then turns back around with a thing full of food. Not gon lie, I'm hungry. "Are you guys hungry?"
"Yeah," Raheem laughs, rubbing a hand over his stomach. This nigga mad greedy. Ivy and Kyra follow his lead, going on about how hungry they were all day and how all they had for lunch was chips. Papa says that's unacceptable and then makes us sit in the living room while he goes to bring us food, and plates and condiments and drinks and all that shit. We was all tryna tell him he ain't gotta do all that but he refused to listen to us so eventually we just let him rock. I ain't complaining.
"Tell me if you guys need anything else, okay?" He asks as he walks back off the kitchen. Nobody is able to answer with anything else besides a grunt cus they too busy being greedy, mouth's stuffed and shit. I understand why though.
"This gas," Raheem mumbles in content as he eats.
"Oh my God," Kyra co-signs, biting into the chicken again. "Like."
"Mad good right?" Taleah smiles.
"Too good bitch," Ivy frowns, looking at the chicken bones like he gon find the recipe in there. "Mr. C what you put in this? This is so good."
Papa blushes, staring at the counter shyly, "Thank you honey, I'm glad you like it...If I tell you I'd have to make you sign an NDA," he laughs.
"Listen, I'll sign it."
Suddenly we hear keys at the door and then a few moments later, Daddy walks through.
"Hi Mr. Jackson," all three of them end up saying at the same time.
Daddy briefly nods his head at them, "What's goin' on," he mumbles, immediately going towards the kitchen where papa is. Ivy and Kyra start 'aww'ing so I look over to see what they're saying that about and it's just to my parents hugging. Regular shit. Ion know when they not. I mean, I ain't gon lie I do be seeing them ignore each other after they probably argued, but it don't ever really last that long.
"Y'all parents are so cute," Kyra whispers. "Awww."
"No for real. Wait, how did they meet each other?"
"In high school. Like almost eighteen years ago I think," Leah smiles.
"That's def gonna be me and Huang. And Aj and Raheem," Ivy says. Probably. And more of course. I see why papa was able to stay with daddy all them years he was in prison. If Rah ever got locked up I'd be doing the same shit. Not even gon lie.
From the corner of my eye I see papa walking over to us with a smile on his face. "Sorry to interrupt you guys. I just wanted to know if you all were hanging out here tonight or are you going out?"
"Welllll we're going to a party later and we really came here to chill and get dressed till then," Leah explains.
"What you mean. I ain't hear shit bout no party," daddy confronts her from the kitchen. Good thing she the one that said it. Far as he knows I'm clueless to all this.
It's funny cus Ivy and Kyra get mad tense like they think he's really that mad, but the nigga just sound like that. I don't know.
Taleah sighs, "Sorry daddy. Can we go to a party tonight? Please?"
Daddy actually looks like he's unsure for a couple seconds but a look from papa makes him nod silently. "No drinking and shit. All ya too young."
"Yes sir," all three of them say at the same time, nodding so that he knows they understand.
"Well, in that case I hope you guys have fun then. I'm actually gonna head out for a bit with my husband but we'll be back before midnight. Please, feel free to just come back here afterwards. I'll make everything nice and cozy," papa says.
I guess we could do that. They ain't never sleep over our house before so it'll be the first. And since they met my parents already I guess it's cool. Everyone agrees to do that so we could confirm with papa so he could do whatever it is he's planning to prepare.
Like I said he would earlier, papa hugs each of us before he and daddy finally leave. After that all they keep raving about was how much they love him and how sweet he is, and also how good his food is. Then they got into how scary my daddy is, but they do this every time they interact with him. Niggas acting like he gon shoot them if they laugh wrong. Only person I could say who not really scared is Raheem.
We spent the rest of the time at our house separated. Ivy, Kyra, and Leah go play dress up in Leah's room making mad noise tryna find they outfits. I heard they tryna match each other with pink so that's what they busy doing. And on the other end, Raheem and I decide to take a after school nap laid up on the couch in my room. Niggas lucky if we wake up and change our clothes. I think our clothes is decent though. Rah got on some baggy cargos and a olive green designed hoodie and I got on a black Nike tech. I feel like that's good enough.
Soon we being woken up from our nap by some shit that looks like it's out of a fever dream. Leah, Ivy and Kyra all got on different jewelry, makeup and outfits and I think Taleah even put this nigga Ivy in a wig bro. I sit up mad confused tryna figure out if I'm dreaming but I quickly realize that I'm not. You can't make this shit up.
They start rushing us, saying that we late already so Raheem and I get off the chair, wash our face in the bathroom then soon follow the three of them out the house and into Rah's car.
In about ten minutes we pull up to Rah's neighborhood bout two blocks down from his house. I hear music coming from one house in particular so I'm assuming that's where the party is at. We walk down the steps at the side of the house to the basement and that's when the music gets even louder;
Girl the way you movin' got me in a trance
DJ turn me up,
Ladies, this yo jam
I'ma sip Moscato
And you 'gon lose them pants
Then I'ma throw this money
while you do it with no hands
A scream from Ivy, Kyra, and Leah rings in my ear as they run into the party getting lost somewhere in a swarm of mad people around our age dancing, smoking, drinking and all that. I wince at all the lights and the loud sound of the music. It's already mad overwhelming but Imma try my best to stay chill and get through it.
"...soon as you are, aight?" Raheem says into my ear while we pushing our way through, tryna find a place to situate ourselves. I already see Leah, Ivy, and Kyra got accustomed to all this mad fast. Ivy is dancing on Kyra while Leah hypes them up. If this party was any different, I woulda been watching Leah mad hard the whole time. But one, she's with Kyra and Ivy and I obviously trust them. And two, this party full of nothing but bitches and gay and bisexual looking niggas. I don't gotta be too stuck on nobody tryna rough her up while I'm not looking.
"Huh?" I ask Rah since I didn't hear the first part of what he said.
"I said if it gets too much, I'm ready to dip soon as you are."
"Oh, aight. Yeah, I'm good," I lie. I hate it already, but I ain't gon say nothing. Like I said, I don't wanna be the only one who has a problem.
We keep walking till Raheem spots a chair in the corner for us to sit in. It's a one seater so we have to squish in mad close next to each other but we make it work. I rather do this than stand. But at the same time, I'm sure Raheem could be doing something else.
"You don't gotta sit here with me," I tell him in his ear to make sure he hears me through the loud music.
"Okay." He briefly says, nodding at me. He's still sitting here so I don't think he heard me. I tell him again and he gives me the same response. "Okay," he says again.
"I said—"
"Why would I wanna do anything else but stay here with you?" He questions me seriously, also tryna make sure I hear him over the loud music.
"Nah, I'm saying cus ion want you to feel like you have to. I'm good..."
"Bae stop acting like that," Raheem puts an arm around my shoulders, shaking them a bit. "You know me better," he mumbles against my ear. A smile spreads on my face when he quickly kisses me there. Aight fine.
We about a hour into the party and Raheem and I haven't gotten up from this seat once. I can tell he's spending a lot of his time tryna distract me from everything that's going on because it's moments when it gets a little too overwhelming. I'm not saying nothing about it, but he's studying me and watching me mad hard for any whatever is giving away that I'm uncomfortable. There's more people sitting down in random places but we're the only ones who haven't gotten up at all. I just been watching my sister and friends have fun from a distance. I don't mean to be bad vibes or nothing but I just feel like this setting isn't for me. On one hand niggas keep walking pass me and Rah and tryna make eye contact with us and that's annoying. On the other hand, people passing out drunk. The lights is flashing mad different colors and the music sounds like it's getting louder and louder. Like it's a lot.
I'm in the middle of messing with my thumbs while I get watched by Raheem when a finger taps on his shoulder from behind us. He turns around to see who it is and whoever it is says a dragged out ass 'hi' to him. Finally a darkskin nigga with red hair comes around the chair and stands in front of us, smiling at Raheem. I know exactly who he is. I don't think I could forget. I was mad as fuck that day.
"Is that who I think it is?"
Raheem glances up at him, nodding his head. "Wassup Quantrell."
"Wassup Raheem, Mr. Hollywood," he mocks him, taking a pull from a blunt, "I haven't heard from you in a minute. This is actually my first time seeing you in person. You never texted me back you know. That was how many months ago?"
Raheem shrugs. "Ion really know."
"What happened? Ivy wouldn't tell me anything."
Rah shrugs again. I hope I'm not making no faces bro cus I'm already getting irritated just by him standing here and talking.
The nigga glances at me then at the lack of space between me and Rah in this one chair. "There's some more seats on the other side where me and my friends are sitting. So you don't have to squish in a chair with your friend."
"We good."
"But y'all some tall ass niggas to be squishing into one chair like this tho—"
"Fall back. I said we good," Rah repeats aggressively this time. Cus now it ain't even inconvenient, it's annoying.
Quantrell furrows his eyebrows, "Chill nigga," Now his hand is lowering towards Rah's shoulder again and my patience is running real low. I know we're not 'out out' where people know for sure were together, but I already don't like him to begin with and him being in my niggas face is really pissing me off not gon lie.
Once that hand lands on his shoulder, I react off pure instinct. I grab his wrist mad hard and push him off as quickly as he got on. It's with a little more force than I meant, but I can't bring myself give a fuck as I watch him hold his wrist in pain. "Yo—" I say angrily, stopping myself fore I violate. "You wanna get smacked?" I ask. Cus now he just standing here staring at me. You stare at me that means we fighting, simple. He finally takes a couple more steps back.
"What the fuck. Y'all together or something?" The boy asks while rubbing on his wrist, pointing between us.
"Yeah," Raheem answers him confidently. I don't even care. It's obvious to him anyways. I mean I was bout to get physical with him over touching Rah and it don't get more obvious than that.
"Y'all two?" He asks again making a face.
"Yeah. Wassup?" I ask, standing up. Cus now this nigga getting smart. And I could give him and finish the problem he's looking for. I said I wasn't fighting no more but I really wanna fuck this nigga up. For right now and for annoying me in the past. He shakes his head, backing up some tryna backtrack like he wasn't just acting stupid.
Raheem stands up with me. "Aight bae let's go, we'll come back for them later," he says into my ear. Raheem puts a hand on my back. I think that's what's best for me right now cus there's too many emotions I'm feeling all at once. I'm annoyed, overwhelmed, and irritated. And now I wanna fight.
Luckily for us Raheems house is right up the block so after we let Ivy, Kyra, and Leah—who are having the time of their life dancing and taking videos—know that we'll be at his, we leave and are at his place before we even have a chance to talk about anything.
"It's much quieter in here," Rah laughs as we walk into his empty house. Yeah. Quieter and better. Even if it wasn't quiet, anything was better than being at that party.
"You want sum to drink?" He asks me from the kitchen. I didn't even notice when he walked away. I follow his voice and find him in his fridge, drinking a bottle of water. He passes me one.
While I'm drinking the water, I look at the time on the stove. It's only like ten. I really ain't even last two hours at that party. That's crazy.
We go upstairs to Raheems room and I'm still kind of felling the aftermath of being in a situation I've never been in before, so I decide Imma just take a shower here then when we head back to my house I could just knock out. Raheem said he was thinking of doing the same, so he lets me go before him not without passing me some of his clothes to sleep in. At this point I feel like I got bout ten of my shirts here. Yet he still be giving me new shit. I feel like he low key tryna switch wardrobes.
I take the clothes from him then follow him down to his bathroom that's right outside the stairs to his room. I've slept over a couple times here so I know how to work everything and where everything is at, but Raheem always follows me to make sure I'm good. Especially now since I think he can tell I'm still a little bothered.
"You good?" He asks.
"Yeah."
"Aight. Imma miss you," he jokes, kissing me after. I shake my head, pushing him away then close the door in his face. I hear him laughing on the other side as I smile a little bit on this side.
I take a little over forty five minutes in the bathroom, spending a little extra time in there tryna calm down completely and I think it works. I don't think I've ever felt like that in my life. I'm never doing that again. Parties aren't for me. Next time when Ivy asks for a favor, imma know to say no.
I use some of toiletries that Rah got on his sink and use a toothbrush to brush my teeth. Yeah, I got a toothbrush here. Like I said, I stay here a lot especially on the weekends. He coulda always came over to my house too but I was just embarrassed. Not of him but of the fact that my family knows he's my boyfriend, O don't know. It doesn't make sense when I say it out loud but I know what I mean.
When I get back to his room, I walk into him arguing with somebody on his game. How the fuck he got a game up and running so fast I really don't know. I wasn't even gone for that long.
"Every time you lose nigga you talk bout some jailbreaking. Accept it bro, you ass. It is what it is." He furrows his eyebrows, annoyed as fuck. "What fucking glitch?" He sits forward in his seat looking mad perplexed.
I watch him in amusement while I fold up my clothes and put it in a random bag he got laying around.
"So lets look at the replay. Nigga you acting like I made the game—nah, let's look."
I laugh from behind him. These niggas swear 2k is real life. You woulda thought niggas was on payroll the way they go so hard. Raheem apparently work two jobs—Footlocker and 2k.
I turn my attention from him, looking in his mirror to try and fix one of my twists. I accidentally took it out earlier in class and I forgot to ask my sister to put it back in for me, so now Imma just try by myself. I know it's just crossing one piece of hair over the other so I do that, but it keeps unraveling. Now I'm bout to get tight. What the fuck am I doing wrong.
I look at Rah again, wondering if maybe he knows how to do it. I try to get his attention by calling his name again but he's too deep into the replay that he don't hear me calling him. So I walk all the way where he is and stand in front of him to get his attention. I really need this twist fixed or else it's gonna bother me.
He looks up at me, puts a hand on my waist, then looks back at the TV.
"You know how to twist?" I ask, keeping my voice down so it don't boom through his headset. But he doesn't hear me, keeping his hand on my waist and still looking at his screen.
"Rah," I say a little louder. He looks at me, then lowers his hands down my back and squeezes at my hip. Then he pulls my body in closer, putting his hands on my lower back. This nigga not listening to me at all. "Rah—" I try again, but I'm cut off by his commentary.
"Exactly nigga, now what? You stupid ass nigga," He laughs, wrapping an entire arm around my torso, resting the side of his face on my stomach. I don't think I'm ever gon get this twist back by the way it's looking.
"Raheem you boutta get me tight," I mumble, damn near on my last straw. That's when this nigga finally hears me. He pulls the ear part of his headset to the side, then looks up at me confused.
"Wassup?"
"You know how to twist hair?" I ask, desperately hoping the answer to that is yes.
"Yeah I think so. That's easy. Lemme see," he takes his headset completely off, then shuts his game off. I don't even think he told whoever he was talking to that he was leaving but I don't care, this is more important.
I show him the loose hair that's on the left side of my scalp. Rah pulls me onto his lap then begins to do whatever he's doing with my hair. After about two minutes of him playing in my fucking head, he pulls on what feels like a new twist, "I got you right," he pulls me into his chest, tightly trapping my arms beside me with his own. He kisses on the spot behind my ear. "Bout to bite my head off over one twist," he mumbles against my skin.
"I still am if it don't look right," I say back ignoring the warm feeling on my face and in my stomach. I force my way out his arms then observe the twist he did in his dresser mirror for bout fifteen seconds. Not bad.
"Don't lie," he comes up behind me, looking at the twist mad close. I smile a little at him through the mirror.
"It's aight."
"Just aight?" He chuckles. "Imma go shower now. Figure this out for me, I just put it up. We gon chill till they ready to go." He hands me a remote that got mad different color buttons on it then leaves the room with his towel. I sit on his bed and then start pressing at the remote, but nothing is happening. I don't know what the fuck this suppose to be.
I press a black button at the top three times then all of a sudden his room is a bright ass pink. So that's what this is. Nigga got LED lights. I look around me then look back at the color buttons on the remote. I press the green one. I don't like this one at all, my eyes hurt. I press the blue color. This one is not bad but I feel like it's too bright for how late it is.
I play around with the colors for a little bit until I land on the red. Yeah this the one. It don't make my eyes hurt or nothing. Plus I feel like it's dark enough for how late it is but still light enough for me and Rah to see each other and not fall asleep at the same time.
After I throw the remote on his nightstand I occupy my time by laying on his bed, eating the rest of the sour patch kids that's on his dresser, and playing the only game I ever play. I much rather spend my time doing this. Now I'm on level three fifty. I play this shit like my life depend on it so I guess me and the niggas that fein for 2k are in the same boat.
Raheem finally comes back while I'm in the middle of like the sixth or seventh race, closing the door behind him. "How you got it to work?" He asks.
"You had to press the black button three times," I explain, trailing my eyes down to his bare chest and then down to the towel around his waist. Rah looks around his room.
"I fuck with it," he says.
He pulls out a black t shirt and shorts from his drawer. I look back at the game, waiting for Rah to get dressed. After he puts his clothes on he gets in his bed right next to me.
"What level you on now?" He asks, looking over at my phone.
"Three fifty seven," I answer proudly. "I need fifty more wins to be number three everywhere."
"Oh you got that. That's light work. You gon be number one soon."
"They needa pay me." If it was a tournament I would win hands down.
"For real. You single-handedly keeping these niggas in business."
"Deadass," I laugh, finishing the level out and winning like always.
With that I close my phone, and after a couple seconds I look up at a blank TV screen. Then I look over at Raheem who's clicking around on his phone. He stops, then looks up at the surround sound speakers in his room and just like that R&B music starts playing. At a good volume though, nothing like that party.
"There we go. That's what was missing," he says, wrapping his arm around me. "This my shit."
"Everything you play is your shit."
"You right," he nods. He begins to pull me closer and closer to him only stopping when my head is resting near his shoulder. We stay like that for a minute till Raheem laughs, opening up his phone. "I meant to send you this. This reminds me of you. Especially after today."
The video is some kind of public interview where some white man is asking people if they would rather a gay son or thot daughter to be a dumb ass troll. At the end he gets to one nigga in a hoodie and when he asked him "Would you rather a gay son or thot daughter?' the nigga said 'I rather smack the fire out you.' then the camera cut out. Cus nah that's a dumb ass question. Raheem laughs at my reaction to the video. I promise I woulda really smacked him in real life.
Raheem continues to scroll through his feed for a while as I look along with him laughing at dumb shit every now and again. As he swipes to the next video, a Instagram notification pops up at the top. I ain't mean to be nosy but as soon as it popped up my eyes landed on it and I see that it's a DM from the same nigga from the party that I almost had a altercation with. Rah sighs, clicking on the notification to open up their DMs.
'you know you could at least have told me you were entertaining someone else instead of ghosting me then 😬😬you niggas are impossible."
"Man shut the fuck up," Raheem responds out loud when he's done reading the message. The last time they even exchanged messages was months ago and I can see it's just the one nigga reacting to one of Rah's stories and him saying thank you. He clicks on the boys page which he ain't even following and then blocks him. "Shoulda been did that." He looks over at me, "I'm sorry for all that unnecessary drama over there. Shoulda never texted him in the first place."
"It's not you Rah. I get it," I know that got nothing to do with him now. It's not him I have a problem with.
Raheem backs out of their messages showing me his full DMs now. Nah it's one thing I'm glad about and it's that I'm not insecure. I know he got mad people tryna talk to him. Mad bitches. Not a lot of niggas cus he ain't explicitly out. I see it at school all the time. It do be irritating sometimes but not enough for me to get mad cus he don't even be doing nothing, it's everybody else that's the problem. And on top of that, I don't obsess over that when it comes to him. I just go with the flow and I know what we got is solid so I'm not tripping.
Rah starts opening the messages and then leaves them quickly to open another. His logic is since we not explicitly public yet, maybe if he leaves everybody on read they'll stop DMing him.
"That's not gon work," I chuckle at him.
"Something's gotta give," he continues to open all the messages, dismissing my comment. Next time he post something they gon be right back on his dick.
When Raheem is done he swipes out of his DMs then accidentally slides over to the camera side. He looks at us through the screen for a while before smiling.
"You ain't never taken a picture with me alone before," he mentions. I think back on it. That's true, I haven't. I been in some pictures with all four of us, but never me and Rah alone. No reason I just don't be initiating stuff like that. And when we together we don't be thinking bout that. He slides out of the Instagram camera and goes to his own. "Let's change that."
Without giving me no time to smile or nothing, Raheem takes a picture.
"I wasn't ready," I say.
"Aight let's do another one," he says, snapping the picture mad fast again. I laugh and then he takes another picture.
"Yo, you tryna set me up." All them fucking off guards at this awkward ass angle.
"Aight then you countdown."
"Three, tw—"
Raheem takes another picture while I'm in the middle of counting. I laugh at how ugly that picture probably turned out. "Nah delete that."
"Negative. For real this time I got you. Ready?"
"Yeah." I say, making sure I get my head out the weird angle and then smile a little bit for the camera. He presses the side of his face against mine for the picture then he takes it. I think that one was good.
"So fine." Rah starts kissing me cheek over and over making me smile harder. "And you sexy when you mad," he laughs against my cheek. Yeah this nigga not low. I knew he was watching me a little too hard when I was bout to fight that boy. He's sick.
Rah turns my face in his direction and then kisses me on the lips.
"Can I get one like this?" He asks as our lips are pressed against one another.
"A picture?"
"Yeah."
"Sure." I decide. Given my history with my ex I would expect to have my guard up but it's not like that with Raheem. So he could have his picture. I really don't mind. I trust that he's not gonna use it to blackmail me like some people have done.
He starts kissing me again and somewhere in the middle of us doing that, he takes the picture. We don't get a chance to look at it cus Raheem puts his phone on the dresser afterwards without breaking our kiss.
After a couple minutes, it starts feeling like those kisses that always lead into us doing more. I'm not really shocked it got to this point though. Me and him in a room alone leads to that half the time. The other half we just be chilling.
Raheems hand starts at my shoulder then slowly slides down till it's resting on my waist. He parts his lips a little bit more inviting me to tongue kiss him so I do, grabbing on his waist myself.
While we're lost in each others lips Raheem grins. "You was eating my candy nigga?" He questions. I forgot I stole that. I laugh in response, not wanting to admit or deny that it was me. "You lucky I love you," he smiles harder.
My face warms up when he takes my bottom lip between his teeth, biting on it gently for a few seconds. Sometimes I think he be tryna eat me for real.
Rah goes back into kissing me fully, forcefully caressing his lips with mine while I do the same. As he does that, he leans forward until he's got his hands on either side of me, almost hovering over me. After a while I notice that we've been kissing for a long ass time. I'm not complaining but usually at this point we'd be onto the next thing. So I know something is up when we both can't seem to stop kissing each other. I don't know what it is. Something got our lips glued to each other and it's only getting more intense the more time passes.
"Raheem," I interrupt him lowly. I woulda loved to keep kissing him like this but the more we kiss the more uncomfortable I get. From the waist down I mean.
"Hm?" He hums.
I part from his lips a little bit keeping us only a couple centimeters apart. "What we doing?"
He suddenly backs away more, staring into my eyes. Now I'm confused. Cus the nigga look stuck. And he never does. We usually be on the same timing so I don't know if maybe he just don't feel like doing nothing today. It's alright if he don't honestly.
"What we doing?" He repeats, sliding his hands off of my waist letting them linger on my lower back and sides instead. He caresses me there for a second, hesitating. "Can I be honest?" He asks.
"Yeah."
"I feel like we know wassup but avoiding the topic," He explains. "And how long we gon avoid it?"
"I don't know what you talking about." I say. Him and I both know I'm pretending.
"Aj. If we still not ready that's cool but we keep running away from the conversation like it's not important. Cus then situations like this come up where we both want more but we don't know what to do about it."
I have nothing to say at first because I know he's right. But it's easier to avoid the topic then to talk about it seriously. I've had this conversation with myself bout a thousand times at this point and it doesn't get any easier each time.
"By want more, what you mean?" I ask to stall. I mean we could do more, easily. If he's ready for that. If he willing to do what I want. That's the only way that's happening. But even he don't want to be the first one. So he gotta see where I'm coming from. Both of us want the same thing and that's the issue.
"My wanting more means I wanna..." he studies my face, "Take that last wall you got up with me down."
"What you mean?" I ask again, getting nervous for some reason. Niggas talking bout walls. I don't have no walls up with him. Cus I know exactly what he's tryna get at and I don't think it's much deeper than me just having no business in that position.
I fucked with bitches for a while and then after that it with me and Zyier. Between all those situations I was used to one thing. The idea of me being on the other end was never one I took serious. And being in a relationship with Rah, it's like I'm forced to think about it more and it stresses me out. I never had to think about compromising like this before. And not to mention, it's like I been letting him do all this new shit with me and my body but when it comes down to it, that's a line I feel like I can't cross. If I cross it, that means I'm everything I been swearing up and down that I'm not. And the thought of that scares me.
Rah squeezes my hip taking me out my head for a minute. I blink a couple times. I must've been staring into the distance cus my eyes a little watery now and I don't think I'm crying. This would be crazy to cry about.
"What I mean is I feel like you got this stigma about it. I been noticing that. Of course I respect your boundaries, but I see it when I'm touching on you. Certain places make you kiss me harder. I could feel it getting your attention. Then you try to pretend like it ain't happen. Or you try to downplay it or hide it. And it's no other reason for that except that you been tryna hold onto this idea that's just not true. Everything you shying away from is between me and you. That's it. You free to like whatever you like with me. But it's like you don't understand that. I wanna break you out of that. If you allow me," he licks his lips. "Of course I'm open to it too. I'm just holding out cus I want you to get too comfortable with one thing and understand there's nothing to be ashamed about."
Whole time I'm listening to him I feel like my words is stuck like I'm put on the spot. I keep my eyes glued to his shirt.
"Nigga you bullshitting me. You just tryna fuck," I decide to joke to not address anything he just said. Cus if I did, I feel like this would turn into a different situation.
He laughs, but then it quickly dies down to a small smile. "Of course I'm tryna fuck. All that aside, you know I want you. But I still want you to understand that it's nothing wrong with liking something you not used to liking."
I sigh. I don't think he understands. "I don't know what it's like to do nothing that so I don't know if I like that..." I trail off.
I been in situations that made me feel too different in my past that I'm not proud of. That's a part of the reason why I try to stay away from things that are remotely feminine. Sometimes I feel like me being gay is enough and I'm dragging it if I do the other shit—not that I want to. But anywhere I can minimize being one of those gay niggas, I take it. And that involves not experimenting or nothing like that. I just stick to what I know. So that's why I never took the idea of me doing something different with a nigga seriously. Not to mention I only been with one nigga and this wasn't ever something I had to worry about.
"You won't know if you don't find out. I mean, I never had sex with a nigga before. And you never switched it up before. It could be both our first time together and we'll figure it out together," he says. I look down at our hands that's holding each other now. I don't know.
"Yeah, but what if you don't like it then?" I ask. Cus that would mean I just made myself uncomfortable for no reason.
Raheem shakes his head, "Don't worry bout if imma like it. I like whatever we do together," he rubs his thumb across my hand. "I just wanted to tell you that. But like I said, whenever you ready. I'm just glad we finally talked about it more. We won't know till we talk about it more. And I want you to think about it."
I watch him as he pulls his phone out, responding to some pictures Ivy sent while using his other hand to continue rubbing on mine. I place my head against his headboard now deep in thought, and blinking to soothe my eyes that are irritated for some reason.
He told me to think about it so I instantly do. Now this is on the front of my mind. Everything he said. And I think about myself for a while. Then, I think about all my past experiences and all my regrets with certain people and how I wish I could take them back.
Then, I finally think about Raheem. I think about our relationship. Then I think about me and him in this moment right now, alone in his room. I think about how I never been so in love before him. Then I remember how much I trust him. And I want to trust him with everything about me, but I can't do that if I don't allow him to explore everything about me with my permission. I know what he means when he said I kiss him harder and he gets my attention in certain moments. Cus it's true. But he's right, each time I try to pretend like it didn't happen. And that's been going on for months.
Rah has been patient with me in everything, even up to this point. I love him more than anything. And there's nobody else except for him that I would let meet this part of me—the part that's the most insecure and embarrassed and has been around for a while.
"Aight," I decide nervously. "We could try."
Rah does a double take at me, licking his lips. When what I said sinks in, he puts his phone on the dresser then observes my face for a couple seconds, looking into my eyes. "You sure?"
"Yeah...Hurry up fore' I change my mind."
"Nah, we not rushing. So tell me if you sure," he asks again.
"Yes. I'm sure," I reassure. Rushing through it would be the easier option for me, but clearly Rah ain't with that. And that probably would be a bad idea anyway for our first time.
Raheem smiles softly at me. I know he's been waiting on this moment for a minute. I have been too, just didn't know this is how it was actually gonna happen.
He puts both his hands on my shoulders and pushes me back till I'm laying flat on his bed. I refuse to look him in his eyes because I find that makes this more nerve wrecking than it already is. My heart about to leap out my chest is enough to deal with.
I exhale deeply when he starts kissing on my jaw. I wrap my arm around the back of his neck, caressing on his head. This part I could get with. It's easy. But of course it gets quickly paired with something that's not as easy to deal with. Using his hands, Rah pulls my legs up and pushes them back till he's resting right in between them. I feel like we been in this position before but it's different now that I know what we about to do. Especially when he puts pressure between our hips, moving his them while he kisses down my neck.
Rah takes a break from kissing me to pull his shirt off. I've seen him shirtless on top of me mad times by now. And each time I'm captivated. But right now, in these red lights, I can't take my eyes off him at all. I'm studying the way his shoulders and arms flex when he tosses his shirt to the other side of the room. Then I follow the natural line in between his stomach from his abs all the way down to his shorts. That's where it ends so I look back up to see him smiling at me with them deep ass dimples. I'm too in a trance to smile back at him though. All I can do is stare and try to regulate my breathing.
He instructs me to lean up and then he pulls my shirt off too. Rah then leans back down and kisses on my exposed chest, all the way down to my torso till his lips is resting right above the waist of my shorts. Now I'm getting lightheaded. Is this normal?
"Why you breathing so hard?" He asks playfully without moving his lips from where they are. Nigga lucky I'm breathing at all.
I laugh nervously, stopping once he starts pulling my shorts down, eventually pulling them off all the way. My shorts ain't never reach past my knees while with him. So I'm feeling mad exposed right now. We needa get under the covers or something. The lights not hiding enough.
Raheem takes his shorts off next leaving us both fully exposed to each other for the first time. Rah can't take his eyes off of me and I can't take my eyes off of him. My nigga is so perfect. He smiles, putting a finger on my chest, trailing it down my body while he compliments me. One thing about Rah, he always knows what to say. That shit be having me stuck.
"You always looked this good?" Raheem licks his lips, placing them back on my neck as our chests press against one another.
"Shut the fuck up," I say quietly. I close my eyes as he kisses down my neck, down my chest and torso up until he's lingering on my V line. I'm thinking he bout to do what we always do, but he stops there and looks back up at me again.
"You trust me right?" He asks seriously. I probably should be scared that he's asking me that when he knows I trust him, but I'm in a different headspace right now so I just tell him yeah. I do trust him, I know that. I'm just nervous.
What I didn't know is that he would be asking me if I trust him for a different reason that I'm far from used to. I try to protest against it but it's too late, and I quickly, and embarrassingly, find that I'm too into it to tell him to stop.
"Chill," is my last attempt at stopping him, but it's pointless. I thought we was just doing what we planned to do and that's it but Raheem had other things in mind I guess. And my mind is telling me that I shouldn't like it, but my body is saying different. All I'm left to do is try to ignore the embarrassment I feel in my body by concentrating on the music that's playing through his speakers instead. But it's not loud enough to drown out the sound of my voice and his coming from beneath me. This can't be real life. When I wake up tomorrow these flashbacks gon be painful to deal with. Imma probably off myself bro.
Raheem looks up at me with his eyes only, tryna see how I'm reacting I guess. But I try my best to turn my face away from him. I don't want him looking at me. Not right now.
After a few minutes of me holding my breath and shifting around in his grip, Raheem finally comes up looking at me with lust in his eyes. I don't know how the fuck he gets me to do any and everything he wants. Cus it got to a point I just gave into it and let him do what he was doing.
"Did you like that?" Raheem asks, looking in my eyes as he licks his lips. I'm thinking it's just a rhetorical question but he's really waiting for my answer.
"Yo," I throw my hand over my face. I don't why the fuck this nigga looking at me.
"Answer the question."
I sigh. The amount of embarrassment Im feeling is crazy bro. And this nigga still looking at me for an answer.
"Yeah," I finally admit. Whatever bro. Im taking this to the grave.
Raheem laughs like he's proud of himself, "I know."
He takes a couple of seconds to kiss my body again until finally he gets on his knees and pushes my legs back further, positioning himself between them. I'm so fucking nervous. And it all gets too real once he reaches over to his drawers, pulling out a condom and a new bottle of the clear stuff that I still don't know the name of.
"This is cool right?" He shows me the bottle. "I bought it for us a while back. Thought we would need it one day," he laughs a little.
I nod.
"Aight," he says. I feel like time is moving is slow motion as I watch him rip open, stretch out, then slide the condom on. I don't know how imma get through this. I just hope it's as easy being on the bottom as it is being on the top.
"You aight?" He asks once he's done.
"Yeah."
"You sure?"
"Yeah." I sound like I'm everything but okay. My voice is shaking like crazy and I can't even control it. Oh my fucking god.
"You scared?" He asks.
"Yeah," I answer. Like nigga what it sound like. And why should I lie? He already knows. It's no point in pretending like this is something I been looking forward to. I don't remember the last time I even felt like a virgin but right now I feel like I ain't never done shit in my life.
Raheem intertwines his arms with both of my legs, pushing them further back. I think he tries to make me feel better by kissing me for a couple seconds. It helps calm me down a little bit not enough. I'm still anxious and I still gotta get through this. I know this not gonna be easy at all. And I'm sure we doing something wrong that's gonna make this harder too. I just don't know what. Guess we'll find out later.
"Look at me," he puts his face right in front of mine, close enough that our noses are touching. "You ain't gotta be scared. I got you," he breathes against my lips. "I'mma take my time."
I squeeze my eyes shut to prepare myself till Rah tells me to look at him again. Oh my god he just needs to do it so it could be over with. I open my eyes and then that's when I feel him right there. Right as he bout to do it. I don't say or do nothing else besides blink up at him nervously, and then finally; he does it.
Immediately I grip on this nigga arm like I'm tryna rip it out and let out the loudest 'what the fuck' I ever mustered up in my life. I sit up in my elbows a little bit, squeezing my eyes in pain. Oh nah.
Rah stops abruptly soon as I made the noise. I can tell he's tryna stay neutral but his shaky breathing is telling me that he's everything but neutral for real. This nigga got it so easy.
"Nah," I mumble painfully. But it's not to make him stop, "Keep going." I add. It hurts, but we already here. If I back out now that would mean we got to this point for no reason. I don't wanna do him like that and I don't want to be embarrassed tomorrow morning for no reason. We ain't come all this way for nothing. I just don't understand how this is supposed to feel good.
"Breathe," he tells me, making me realize I wasn't breathing. So I start. Raheem eventually continues, giving me a couple seconds first. I wince in pain the whole time but once he makes it all the way in, he stays like that for a minute till he starts moving. I lay back down on the bed completely while throwing my hand over my face again to hide my painful expressions from him. Nah bro. This the first and last time. Ain't no way all these gay niggas fein to be in pain like this. I don't get it. I already gotta deal with the embarrassment and now I gotta deal with the pain that comes with it too? Ain't nothing good about this except for the fact that it's with somebody I trust. That's it.
I start thinking bout mad different shit to distract myself from the pain but none of it is working. I even start thinking bout math homework and that doesn't even help. All it does is make think about the fact that Raheem is the one who did my math homework and he's also the one torturing me right now too. Everything I think about leads back to him. No matter what it is.
While Raheem is tryna take it slow with me like he promised, and as I'm in the middle of rethinking my life, all of a sudden he does something that makes my stomach feel weird. At first I think it's just my brain tricking me but it happens again. And then again after that. I don't want to speak or act to soon, so I keep my hand over my face tryna keep myself calm. Ion know what that is.
While I'm tryna ignore and put off the different reactions in my body, it's like things start feeling surreal to me all of a sudden. I couldn't even begin to describe what I'm feeling. The pain never went away but it's like something else is dimming it down—a lot.
Raheem notices that something is different, especially when my silence turns into low noises. He been vocal since we started, but once he notices that I'm damn near doing the same, he pulls my arm from my face leaving me more exposed.
After my arm is taken from me, I try everything I can to be quiet. Even when Raheem leans down and starts kissing me that's still not enough for me to shut the fuck up. I'm out of options now. And at this point, I'm completely vulnerable to him. Making noises or not, being in this position or not, it's already happening. I can't back out now and I don't think I want to either.
It goes on like that for a couple minutes getting more intense as the time passes until Rah suddenly stops himself, complaining that he's gonna be done too soon. He takes a couple seconds to calm down. While we're both catching our breath, he hits me with something else as if all this wasn't enough already.
"Turn over," he says. I'm not in the mood to question him so I do it, turning over and laying flat on my stomach. I close my eyes as Raheem touches me back there, complimenting me on my body. Calling me things I would be mad that anybody else called me. He be testing the waters but gets away with a lot. Especially right now.
Raheem pulls my bottom half up till only my chest is against the bed making me get on my elbows for more support. That's when I realize the position I'm in. Nah. This not gon work.
"Rah," I breathe out nervously. It's one thing to be on my back. But this shit is mad submissive. All them nerves that temporarily went away are all coming back now. I feel like if you find yourself in a position like this, you really said fuck it and let somebody have full control over you. And I'm not sure how I feel about that.
"Relax," he rubs on my lower back then puts pressure on it to make me bend my back. I try to resist it but he just uses his force to push me down till I'm in the position he wants me to be in. "Just like that, don't move," he mumbles. Then he starts back up again.
Compared to last time, I immediately react in a way that got nothing to do with pain and I'm caught off guard by my own self. I was ready to deal with the pain and everything but all I can do is think about how good it is. Especially when he starts talking his shit like he always do, complimenting my body again, commenting on the way I'm taking him for my first time.
His next request is for me to move with him instead of him being the only one moving. He tries to tell me that it'll make me more comfortable and help me loosen up if I do it. I don't think so, I actually think that makes everything more humiliating. But since he grabs on me back there, guiding me to do it I just fall into it and do it myself. I don't know why. I think I'm in a trance or something. And maybe he was right, cus as soon as I push my body back on him it feels better. I fall into the rhythm of what we doing, pressing my face into my arms while paying close attention to the sound of his voice talking and moaning and all that shit.
At this point, all the sounds coming from us start mixing in with the soft music playing in the background. Some song talking bout love being a "sure thing" which is ironic cus that's all I can think about right now. How much I love my nigga. And I'm at the point where I don't give a fuck about keeping quiet no more either, saying his name and everything. Whenever Rah touches me he makes it hard to be quiet. He be encouraging me to not be quiet just like he's not. And that's with everything.
Rah stops for the second time, taking it upon himself to turn me over on my back again saying he wants me like that till we done. I woulda tried to hide my face from him while we both clearly bout to finish but I think I surpassed the amount of embarrassment I could possibly feel in this moment. At this point, he's seen it all. Every single part of me.
I guess Raheem was right. I was scared. And I admit now, I been curious about me and him like this for a minute. But like I said, I like I had no place. But Raheem makes me feel like I don't know, I don't have to have no expectations when it comes to us. And I know it sounds crazy for it to be something as simple as sex that's making me come to this conclusion but sex ain't never had no deeper meaning for me. I always just did it to distract myself. I've had a bad relationship with it ever since I lost my virginity at like thirteen, fourteen. And every time after that it's never been something that was memorable for me. It was whatever. And I felt stupid all the time wanting an experience that didn't feel forgettable.
I thought my body was the best thing I had to offer a lot of the time in social situations. That's why I fucked so many girls at a young age. And that's what I thought made me interesting to my ex. And that's why I ain't want to come to terms with the fact that I was gay at one point cus it felt like I subconsciously did all that cus I knew, but it was all for nothing.
Right now, sex don't feel forgettable with Raheem. It don't feel like something I'm throwing away. Even though it's a little uncomfortable for my mind to process being that it's new, I know he got me to this point with intention. And that makes me feel like for once somebody I'm fucking with actually gives a fuck about me. I know he's infatuated with my body like I am with his, but he cares about my mind at the same time. The whole time we fucking he was checking to see if I was good and once he was sure I was good, he made sure to tell me I was doing good. Cus he knows me and he knows I overthink—like I'm doing right now.
These are things I won't ever say out loud cus I feel like it sounds stupid. Especially coming from me. But I don't have to say it no more cus Rah convincing me to yeah, bottom for him—already confronted all the issues I was having in my mind about it. About what it's like to enjoy something without feeling guilty for it. Or feeling like this defines everything about me. I been scared for a long time to feel like this.
I get out my head when Raheem finally presses his face deep in my neck while my hands grasp onto his shoulder blades. He mumbling some freaky ass shit against my skin that's gon taint them flashbacks too. This shit can never leave this room bro, on everything.
Soon, the adrenaline between us reaches its peak and Rah puts the last bit of his energy into what marks our official first time, and then just like that we both finish at the same time. This nigga starts swearing in my ear, all while telling me he loves me at the same time. I can barely answer him back cus I'm too distracted by the new feelings in my body. I get it now.
I squeeze my eyes shut as he keeps going till we're both completely done. When we finally are, and he pulls out of me, he drops all his body weight down on me knocking the last bit of air I got left. I inhale deeply, trying to catch my breath. This nigga tryna kill me.
I look at Rah who has his eyes closed against my chest looking mad stiff. Nah. Ain't no way he sleep already. It was that good?
"Nigga wake up," I laugh, touching his head. Raheem smiles but refuses to open his eyes. I smile at him, suddenly getting overtaken by this warm feeling. Every time I realize how in love I am with him it feels like I'm finding out all over again. Or in a different way. I never think it's possible for me to love him more than I do already. But he proves me wrong everyday.
"You stuck with me for life," he finally says in the midst of his post-nut nap. He's saying that like he had a choice. "You know that?"
"I know," I smile a little, looking up at the red ceiling. Nothing makes me happier than that. Knowing we stuck together. And he's the one that should know. No way Imma do all that for a nigga and not be with him. It don't work like that. Ain't no way a nigga gonna make me feel like this and I don't stay with him.
And when I say feel like this, it goes beyond sexually. I don't know why I'm so in my head with all this. But its making me think back to my childhood too. In a non sexual way, I remember feeling like this when I was younger.
For starters, me and my papa had a talk last month and I apologized to him for being difficult throughout the last couple years. I explained him why I acted that way, telling him it was cus he wasn't there emotionally, but I didn't tell him the full reason.
As a child when I was around my papa a lot, I slowly started to act like him and copy a lot of his mannerisms. Everybody always told me I looked like my daddy, and 'got mad' like him, but when I was a kid I was known for having my papa's tendencies. And once the bullying got too bad I had to cut off everything feminine, tryna prove niggas wrong—including him. I had to let them know that me being raised by a gay nigga don't mean I'm gay or feminine. That's why a lot of the time I said something bad about him being feminine to his face. I was tryna prove even during my off time that I was nothing like him no more.
When I started doing that, that's when the bullying finally started slowing down. But in that, I feel like I might lost myself to who I was tryna portray myself to be. And that made me a outcast to everyone cus I ain't wanna talk to no one. I ain't wanna get too comfortable in case I slipped up and they saw something in me that I been tryna suppress for years. That's why people think I'm mean. And disrespect. I probably am, but all I was tryna do is protect myself from being bullied the same way I know my papa got bullied. That's it.
So when I say feel like 'this' it's not only about feeling good after my first time with Raheem. It's also about feeling like I'm free to be myself completely without having my guard up. I wouldn't say to be feminine cus I feel like I done beat that shit out of my own self at this point, but I know I ain't gotta prove my manhood to him. Cus he don't care. And in this moment, if the person who loves me for who I am can acknowledge me for what I like and different characteristics about me without defining who I am, who the fuck am I protecting myself from? I already know I can handle my own. And I ain't the eleven year old boy who got kids in they face saying 'you a faggot like your dad is.' Aight yeah, maybe I am. So now what? I got nothing to prove to nobody either. I could smack each and every last person that got a problem with it so I ain't worried.
We get a text from the group chat saying they ready to leave from the party cus they hungry and wanna go to McDonald's before we head back to my house. With that, Rah and I get dressed and ready to pick them up. Once we're all done, we start leaving out his house. Before we get in his car though, he grabs my hand.
"Yo," he mumbles lowly. I turn around, taking in the way the moon is reflecting his skin and the glossy look in his eye. I hold my breath as he slowly pulls me to him until our chests meet.
"Thank you for trusting me Aj. With you. With your heart. With your mind. With your body. And everything else," he licks his lips. "Makes me feel like I'm doing a good job in letting you know how much I love and care about you. Cus sometimes I feel like I needa do more. To make you as comfortable as possible."
"Nah, you've done more than enough Rah...I love you," I answer quietly, placing a soft kiss on his lips. He's went above and beyond to make me comfortable. And that's part of the reason why I love him so much. Rah smiles, making his eyes squint the way I like.
"I love you more," he licks his lips. Then he smiles, backing away from me to go around to the drivers side. "So...I got next again?" He asks.
"Fuck outta here." Yeah I liked it, but Imma still need my lick back.
"I tried," Raheem sighs as he gets in his car making me laugh. Yeah, we ain't doing none of that over here. First time is a first time, but this a two way street. And now it's fair game.
But maybe one more time won't hurt.
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Thoughts on...
Aj?
Raheem?
Other?
hey y'all i hope this (super long) chapter made the aj and raheem stans a lil happy.
also, as per the disclaimer in the comments i wanted to make sure the scene where they had their first time together was descriptive yet appropriate, and also not too explicit so i hope that was sufficient!🧍🏾♀️plus it was also significant for many other reasons besides the obvious so don't neglect that!
anywaysss whole lotta love this chapter as well so i hope you guys enjoyed overall!!! muah
ily all and see u *soon* 💓