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CAMERON POV
"Say hi to your Uncle Cameron."
After four long weeks, at 3pm on a foggy Saturday, Tyler finally strolls through the front door of our home with the beauty that is Taylor Antonia King. My jaw drops at how beautiful she looks, dressed in a pink tutu and headband.
"Oh my God," I gasp, holding my arm out for her. With a big smile on his face Tyler gently places her in my arm. I make sure to tighten my hold on her legs so she doesn't fall, but I still make Tyler stand close to us and use his hands for support. I'm not taking any chances.
"Look she already love you," Tyler comments when she smiles at me. Oh my goodness she is so tiny and so beautiful. I've seen so many pictures at this point but there's nothing like seeing her in real life.
"Oh Ty. You are going to be the best father," I tear up, looking up at him. He pulls me into a hug. I have no doubt about it. This baby is so blessed to have someone like Tyler raising her. If he is half as good of an uncle as a father, even then he would still be amazing. Wow.
"Taking notes from you," he kisses my forehead, then pokes at his baby's yawning lips. "Nah she definitely got my lips."
"She has your everything. Lips, nose, and eyes especially."
"Yeah. She just got her mothers dimples and complexion." Ty comments. That is true. I remember Phenoix's dimples being a feature of hers that caught my attention as well as her beautiful dark brown skin. Phenoix is very beautiful as well. I could never take that from her.
"Where is she?" I ask.
"She in the car. I figured I stop by with babygirl for like a hour then she could go with her mother and I'll catch up with y'all.
That seems like a lot. I heard Phenoix was coming along with him for obvious reasons. I mean, Taylor is only one month old and I wouldn't want to be apart from my baby either. So I get it. Plus to think that we only get to spend an hour with her is disappointing.
"That won't be necessary," I decide. I'm in a different headspace mentally, and I can deal with her presence even if it's wanted. As long as I know that makes her more comfortable being away from her baby. "Tell her to come inside."
Ty raises his eyebrows. "Huh? Nah she good out there I just—"
"No, tell her come inside. Seriously."
"Ion know bout that Cam."
"It's not a big deal. Taylor is a newborn baby, I know Phenoix doesn't want to be without her right now. Especially during her first time with other people."
Tyler is still looking unsure. "Where's Ant?"
"He's in the back smoking."
"Aight. Go ask him and then if he say yes, then she could come."
"What?" Anthony voice come from behind me, so I take it that he's coming back from the backyard. He doesn't see Taylor yet, but he knows that she must be in my arms because he goes to wash his hands then finally walks up to us.
"I want to let her mother come inside so she can stay for longer. Can she?" I ask Ant.
"It's not necessary though so if it's no that's just what it is." Tyler adds.
"Why she can't stay longer without her." Ant asks Tyler specifically.
"Nah it's just that she be getting nervous, like she already texting me now asking if Tay nose stuffed cus it sounded like it was in the car. And she's breastfeeding her so after a hour since it's early, she gon wanna feed her. That's why I was just gon bring her back and that be it."
"And I said that won't be necessary. She can just come inside. That doesn't mean be best friends with her, but I don't want her to be paranoid without her baby." I look up at Ant.
It takes a minute of him staring at me for him to come to an answer, but he eventually says okay. I'm glad we're on the same page. When Tyler told him that Pheonix was the mother to his child, I know a lot of his reaction came from what my reaction to that was. And I feel like he's doing the same thing now. Phenoix was both of our problem back when I was sixteen and Ant was nineteen, but she literally betrayed me. And I'm willing to get over that more than a decade later just for her to stay with her baby. I don't mind. That's not without saying she will only be in here for her baby—that's it, that's all.
Tyler asks us if we're sure one more time, helping me pass Taylor to Ants hands. Once I tell him that I am, he texts Phenoix and tells her to come inside, I'm assuming.
"She your twin," Ant comments, studying Taylor's features.
"Yeah, fat lil mini me," he laughs, moving in closer to Ant to observe his baby's features again. "I swear she even got my teeth."
"Nigga what teeth," Ant frowns at him.
"Nah, like my gum structure."
The frown doesn't fall from Anthony's face while he looks at Tyler like he has two heads. I laugh at a clueless Tyler who is talking to his baby sweetly. Right at that moment, there's a knock at the door so Tyler goes to get it. I use that brief amount of time to admire Anthony gently rocking Taylor with his arms. Weirdly, I feel a random heaviness in my chest as I'm watching him and I'm only taken out of my mind when I finally hear Phenoix's voice by the door.
I put my attention there, seeing her place a very hesitant foot inside, holding a baby bag as well. She's in sweats and a sweater and a messy ponytail looking like every mother to a newborn ever. It's been so long since I last saw her.
"Where should I...?" She begins to ask Tyler, looking around for the perfect place to sit without making any eye contact with us.
"Anywhere. On the couch, right Cam?"
"Yeah. There plenty of seats. Take any one," I explain nicely. That's when Phenoix decides to make eye contact with me.
"Thanks for letting me come inside," she says.
"No problem."
She stands, lingering for a while looking as if she wants to say something else to me, but she decides against it. She just takes a seat on a single seater that gives her a clear view of her baby.
"And congratulations," I remember to add after a few seconds. "She's beautiful."
A smile comes over Phenoix's face."Thanks. She got her daddy's entire face though." She rolls her eyes at the end making me laugh a little bit. I put my attention back on Taylor. What a gorgeous baby, wow. "But she real calm and I don't know who she gets that from. Cus it ain't me. Or her dad."
I laugh briefly. Maybe a distant relative. Or she's just one of those babies who don't cry much which is always a blessing.
There's another knock at the door—which I was expecting—but not nearly this early. She was supposed to be coming closer to five. But I guess the earlier, the better.
I open the door up and sure enough it's Zaza holding her baby boy—Bryson-Zamani Black Williams—in a covered car seat. The only thing that's shocking about her being at the front door is that her boyfriend, who we have never met before, is standing right next to her. I wouldn't have been shocked if I expected him to come, but she explicitly told me over and over again that he wouldn't be coming.
"Hi guys," I smile at them both trying my best to conceal the shock on my face.
"Hey Cam," Zaniyah leans in for a hug and kiss. "Oh I missed you."
"I missed you too Zaza. Oh my goodness, is that my handsome nephe—"
"Nice to meet you as well," her boyfriends deep voice booms, staring at me almost offended. Oh that's my fault entirely.
"Oh I'm so sorry. Nice to meet you Black. I'm Cameron, Zaniyah's brother in law," I smile at him. I have never seen him before today so this is the first time I'm putting a face to the name. He's dark skinned and pretty tall with freshly short cut hair and a shaped up beard. His eyes are more piercing than I though they would've been—kind of scary, but who am I to judge. Even though he isn't in police officer uniform, his blue polo shirt and tan slacks kind of give it away.
Black nods, then walks through the door holding onto Zaniyah's hand. I close the door and then return back to where they are. Immediately, it's like the room becomes super tense. This is why I thought he wasn't coming. Zaniyah said she'd be coming down to Virginia with him, but he was going to be visiting some family for a little bit while she came over with Bryson. But, same with Phenoix, I figure he doesn't want to be away from his newborn baby.
"Hey guys," Zaza waves, "This is Black. He wanted to stop by with me to meet the family."
"Yeah what's up," Tyler gives him a head nod.
"Nice to meet you," he holds his hand out to Tyler, "Big fan."
"Appreciate it," Tyler says, shaking his hand briefly.
Next Black holds his hand out to Ant who is still holding Taylor. Ant passes her to Tyler then shakes his hand.
"So you're big bro?" Black questions.
"Yeah."
"Nice to meet you brother, heard a lot about you," Black says.
"Likewise," Ant mumbles, pulling his hand away. They look at each other for what feels like too long a time. So much so that Zaniyah interrupts by telling everyone to say hi to her baby—after washing our hands. I don't know what that was about, but Anthony clearly doesn't like him off the back. And Zaniyah's boyfriend is very obviously testing Anthonys clear dislike for him.
Aj and Leah come down the stairs while I'm in the middle of washing my hands, Leah immediately squealing at the sight of her cousin. "My baby," Taleah jumps up and down, taking Taylor from Tyler's hands. "Oh my gosh she's so prettyyyy."
"Those your babies Cameron??" Pheonix asks me from the couch, looking in Aj and Leah's direction. I turn around, nodding proudly.
"Oh shit. They grew up so much. You got beautiful kids," she says.
"Yes they did. Thank you," I smile sincerely. Yes, they are so beautiful.
"She look like Uncle Tyler," Aj says suddenly, looking at Taylor who is being cuddled by Leah.
"Ode. It's a little scary."
"I'm feeling like ya bout to replace me," Tyler frowns.
"Duh," Leah laughs, putting all her attention right back on Taylor leaving Tyler standing there, shaking his head. Leah passes Taylor over to Aj, giving him a chance to hold her.
A few seconds later, Zaza takes the cover off of her baby's car seat revealing yet another beautiful baby.
"Aww, he's so handsome," I say. Her son looks like both a mix of her and her boyfriend. Like equally.
Leah walks over, smiling down at the carseat, "Aww, my lil cousin so cuteee. Take him out!" She leans down, ready to get him out of the car seat until she's stopped.
"Don't," he says as her hands are on the buckle "I don't want any accidents," he finishes sternly. He decides to lean down himself to unbuckle and take Bryson out.
"Uh uh," Phenoix says from the couch. We all look at her, wondering what that noise was for but all she does is zip her mouth shit, "Nope. I ain't gon go there today. Y'all go back to what you was doing," she mumbles, pulling her phone out.
"There wouldn't have been an accident but okay," Leah mumbles back. Oh boy. I know that tone anywhere. She's staring at him with a look that is reminiscent of annoyance.
Black hands Bryson over to Zaniyah and she and her boyfriend opt for just bringing him around to everyone so we can get a closer look, but no one actually holds him. I understand though. I know as first time parents all they want to do is protect their baby. Some people have different parenting styles. Some are like Tyler and Phenoix—a bit looser. And others are like Black and Zaza—more strict. When the twins were babies I was definitely the strict type. But it had nothing to do with germs or anything like that. I was just extremely clingy with them and never wanted them out of my sight. They were my most prized possession and the only thing I had. So it was very hard for me to trust anyone besides Tyler, Zaniyah, and Tyler's mother with them.
We spend some time catching up with one another as well as coping over the babies but then suddenly the smell of a poopy diaper fills the air. And because it's so close, I know that it's coming from Taylor who is laying right in my arm. Not only that, but I see it all over the expression she's making on her face.
"That's my babies shit. I know that smell anywhere. She got diarrhea," Phenoix starts, "Tyler go change her."
"Nah nigga you change her, I changed her last and she got doodoo on my finger when I did. I need a break."
"Nigga you got fucking doodoo on your finger. She a baby, she ain't sit there and say hey lemme just shit on this nigga."
"It's okay, I can change her," I offer. I mean, it's no big deal honestly. Without hesitance, Pheonix thanks me then holds out a diaper, wipes, and ointment from her diaper bag to me. As she's holding it out, both she and I realize that I only have one mobile arm. And it's being used to hold her baby. I don't know how I could forget. "Oh...nevermind. Sorry," I pull my arm back, placing it in my lap.
"It's alright, I got it," she takes Taylor from me. Since she has diarrhea, I show Phenoix where one of the bathrooms are so that she can change her more comfortably.
"I can throw the diaper out in this garbage right here?" She asks as I'm halfway out the bathroom door.
"Yes, you can."
"Alright. Thank you."
"Sure," I say quietly, continuing to walk out of the door.
"Hey," she calls right as I'm about to turn the corner. I take a deep breath to compose the confusing emotions I feel, then back up, raising my eyebrows.
"Hm?"
Pheonix doesn't say anything for a couple of seconds, looking as if she's struggling to find the words to say. This is how she was looking earlier when she first came in. So I guess she's been trying to muster up the courage to tell me something.
"Cameron," she sighs, slowly wrapping up Taylor's diaper to stall. "I just got something I wanna tell you. That I been wanting to tell you really."
I stay there, waiting for her to say something.
"The last time I seen you, I know that I was overstepping and just...talking a lot. Same thing that ruined our friendship. And I know I got my opinions, but I always try to remind myself that they not facts. And they not...my experience to be speaking on. Cus look at me. I'm in some shit myself. I mean one of my baby fathers is in prison. And the other one I'm tryna not be seen with cus one thing I'm not gonna deal with is pressed bitches stalking me cus they mad I have a child with they dream nigga. Cus once bitches bark I'm finding addresses and I'm dragging bitches and mothers. Especially if they start talking about my baby. But with all that going on, I know I'd be upset if someone felt like they had a place to criticize what I got going on. And that's what I did to you, a lot. It was always coming from a place of caring about my best friend, but that doesn't matter. It's not what you say, it's how you say it. So I know we not friends and never will be again. I did too much for that. But, I just wanted to flat out tell you that I'm sorry. For everything. Every time I overstepped or every wrong I've done you or your man, I'm sorry for it."
When she's finished with her apology, I nod. "Thank you for apologizing," I say. I'm glad she knows now that you can't always advise a situation that you're not in. Even more when you don't have it all together yourself. I always wonder what would have happened if Phenoix never pulled that stunt. But I think that now I'm bright enough to know that Anthony would have ended up in prison on his own terms eventually. But the timing that Pheonix did it is what threw our lives off track to begin with. But that was a very long time ago, and I've long figured I needed to accept the past for what it was because I clearly couldn't and still can't change it.
Pheonix smiles, looking back down at Taylor as she continues to clean her. "Between her dad and y'all, this girl gonna so spoiled. She gon be living two lives and she not gonna like my ghetto ass lifestyle. Gon be mad when it's time to come to mommy's house," she laughs. I smile a bit, looking at Taylor myself. I know Tyler will give her everything she wants and more. And I'll be right in the same boat with him. Both for Taylor and Bryson.
"But I'm excited though. Regardless of everything between me and her dad, there's nothing like being a mother. And it's just something about bringing life into the world...I love it. It's like just yesterday we was in high school and now we grown with kids...and problems," Pheonix rolls her eyes, securing Taylor's diaper.
"Yeah..." I trail off, images of me young flashing in my mind. Wow. Sometimes I can't believe that version of me existed. Young and gullible to everything. Sometimes I miss it. A lot.
Although I planned to excuse myself after answering Phenoix, I linger around and admire Taylor. I only realize that I'm staring when Phenoix catches me, smiles, then lightly caresses Taylor's tiny belly. "Yeah I know. That baby fever something serious. But now that y'all back together, when's baby number three?" Phenoix asks curiously as she picks Taylor up then starts to breastfeed her.
Well. I clear my throat, instantly blinking to refrain from crying in front of her. Slowly and carefully, I look at her and smile the best I can, "I think I have to use the bathroom. I'll be back."
"Oh my bad you can use it in here, let me hurry—"
"No that's okay," I force out quietly while walking off. I quickly make my way up the stairs to Ant and I's bedroom. When I get there, I close the door behind me leaving it just a crack open, hoping and praying no one comes in here while I'm crying on my bed for reasons I really can't put my finger on.
Obviously Phenoix questioning when Ant and I will have another baby triggered me, but even before then I was feeling emotional. First when Ant was holding Taylor, then there were random waves of sadness that came over me the entire time we were sitting down there. But the feeling I'm feeling isn't even sadness alone.
When Ant was in prison, I used to go out in public with the twins. We'd go to Burger King, the movies, the park, the amusement park—anywhere that I could manage my two young babies. I specifically remember this one time after I got off of work stressed as ever, the kids begged and begged me to take them to see this movie that I had no clue about. I was out of the six year old loop, but of course I took them. I bought two large popcorns, two large drinks, and tons of candy for them to enjoy and then finally we picked a perfect seat right in the middle of the theater. The kids were so anxious watching the previews, excited for the movie to finally come on.
While the kids were talking to each other excitedly, practically paying me no mind, a younger couple no more than a few years older than me strolled in with an adorable little girl and an adorable little boy. They were all smiles, just as excited to see this movie as their kids and apparently my kids were. I began to feel bad that I couldn't return the same enthusiasm to my kids, but I tried convincing myself that the plethora of snacks I bought them made up for it.
I caught myself glimpsing over at this couple a lot, watching the way they interacted with their children but specifically the way they interacted with each other. They were clearly so in love. Touching each others faces. Holding each others hand behind the seat. Smiling at each other as they spoke. Blowing kisses to one another. And as I watched them, there was a huge pit in my stomach. Even when I told myself to look away, I couldn't shake that feeling. Back then, I didn't know what that feeling was. That is the very same feeling that I'm feeling today, right now.
Though I feel like I know why I feel like this, I'm trying my hardest to repress those thoughts. Everything is not about me. Others happiness should not provoke my sadness and I try to live by that. But sometimes, it's hard. It's really hard. It hurts to know you've missed out. Time and time again, yet can't do anything about it.
"Um, did you see my—" the door to the room swings open leaving me to frantically wipe at my eyes. "Uh...You good?" Aj asks awkwardly.
"Huh? See your what honey?" I sniffle and look in the opposite direction of him. "Are you looking for your bookbag? If so I put it in your closet."
"Oh, aight...You good though?"
"Yes honey, I'm fine."
"...Why you crying then."
"I'm not crying," I laugh, trying to gaslight him into thinking he's seeing things "It might be my allergies." I finally look in his direction, hoping that all the tears are dried up now. "I think I may need to dust in here, that's all."
"You clean everyday."
"Maybe I missed a spot? I don't know," I sigh, now out of excuses. Aj isn't usually the one to catch me crying these days. And he usually isn't the one to question my crying either, so it's kind of harder for me to lie to him. I don't know what he will believe or what he won't. "I don't know baby." I pick at my pants for lint that isn't there.
Aj stares at me for a few seconds, keeping his hand on the doorknob. I almost think he's gonna finally leave but he doesn't, instead asking, "Is it the new babies cus you lost yours.."
I have to laugh. Not a full blown 'this is so funny' laugh, but a short, emotional one as the tears well up in my eyes again. "Would it be wrong if the answer to that was yes?" I sniffle, wiping my eyes with my thumbs. I look at Aj who seems stuck on what to say, realizing that I probably laid too much on him at once. These are my problems, not my sixteen year old sons. "I'm sorry, forget it—"
"I don't think it's wrong," he mumbles, "cus yours dead at the end of the day. And I guess, ion know, seeing alive babies...you gonna be sad."
I nod, thinking to myself a bit. "Yeah. That might be part of it. Don't get me wrong, I'm more happy than anything else. Absolutely."
"Even if you not, I would see why...if I was Uncle Tyler or Auntie Zaniyah."
"Well, they can never find this out. Me crying on the day they decide to introduce their babies to us? Absolutely not. I think making this all about me is about the most selfish thing I could do. So, this stays between you and I. Our secret."
"What about daddy."
"Especially daddy," I roll my eyes and laugh. "Oh my gosh. That would be a whole other thing." I can already sense how that would turn into a situation where Ant feels that I'm still not past the circumstances I lost my babies under and then it would probably turn into an overwhelming conversation and I really don't want to deal with that. Even though generally I'm not over it, he doesn't have to know that. I like to make him think I've moved on.
"So why don't you just...try and have another kid then since it make you this sad. Since daddy here now."
I laugh again. That's not something I thought I would hear. "Something about my son encouraging me to try and have children is very...interesting," I joke.
Aj kisses his teeth, laughing a little bit. It was very small, but enough to warm my heart and fill that pit in my stomach with a bit of happiness. "Nah chill. I mean just replace the babies with different ones."
"No...you guys are irreplaceable. All five of you. If it's not meant to happen, it just isn't meant to happen. Plus, I'm blessed to even have the privilege to be you and Taleah's papa. You guys were obviously never in my plans at sixteen, seventeen years old but I was absolutely blessed. God knew I needed you guys more than anything. The only thing that kept me going. Throughout all these years."
"That's not true. You was gon kill yourself cus of me," Aj mumbles. I wouldn't say that necessarily.
"I thought that was the only option because I was overwhelmed with everything. It wasn't you yourself. It was our strained relationship that was hard to deal with. Not seeing eye to eye. Not understanding one another. That's what hurt a lot. And because I love you so much, I couldn't deal with not being at least liked by you. But everything isn't one sided. You had your reasons just like I had mine. So it wasn't you specifically. It was just the way we interacted with each other."
Aj is quiet, so I seize the opportunity to say more. I guess now is the perfect time to.
"I didn't understand where you were coming from before hand, but I can see how it would be tiring having an overly emotional parent to depend on. A lot of the time I wasn't available emotionally and mentally the way that I should have been. I was too worried about sulking in my own sadness. And that's exactly where I went wrong. At a certain point, it's hard for you to just...bounce back from that kind of neglect. I mean...you know I love you more than anything, right?"
Aj nods.
"But loving you had little to do with me being a good parent."
He nods again. I smile softly at him. "I know. And I'm so sorry. From the very bottom of my heart."
Aj licks his lips, the same habit he picked up from his daddy. Even with all the tattoos, facial hair, deep voice, and soaring height, every time I look at him all I can see is my shy little baby. The little boy who was attached to my hip for the longest time. The little boy who cried every time I dropped him off and picked him up from grandmas house. The same little boy who couldn't fall asleep if it wasn't in my bed, and couldn't eat if it wasn't on my plate. We were inseparable once upon a time, but things change. Kids grow up and they see their parents for all that they are, not just the good parts. And sometimes you've just got to own up to it.
"I'm sorry too," he says after a few moments of silence, taking me by surprise. "We never got along but I dragged it a lot of the time. I was just always mad you wasn't who I thought I needed. Shit happened to me that I felt like was pointless coming to you for...but it's not just on you. Cus daddy wasn't around so I know it was hard tryna balance that and us by yourself. And I was being difficult sometimes. I just didn't understand you but I don't think I tried to. I ain't think it was fair that I had to understand you and everybody else wanted me to but you ain't never know why I was coming from where I was. But I know now that you do. And I see where you was coming from too."
"I absolutely see where you're coming from honey. Absolutely. And I can't say sorry enough. Thank you for acknowledging that it wasn't easy raising you guys alone. And thank you for letting me know how that affected you as well," I sniffle, instantly triggering the waterworks. I'm an emotional mess today.
"You still cry too much though," Aj says seriously with the straightest face ever. Him and his father. Sometimes they're just a little too blunt.
I roll my eyes. "You just had to throw that in there. I know okay. I can't help it," I laugh making him do that same little laugh that fills me up with joy. I stand up and approach the door, ready to finally leave this room to go join my family downstairs. Getting over this loss is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I never thought I would have a trigger all because of this situation as well. But while I'm working on that I have to remain thankful for what I do have. And that's two beautiful children and my beautiful husband. And especially after Aj and I apologized to each other, I see that there are still pieces I have to pick up before worrying about starting an entirely new project. I guess everything happens for a reason. Just have to keep telling myself that.
When I reach Aj, I look up at him and smile. Then I take my chances and wrap my arm around him while I close my eyes and take in the moment. "I love you so so so so so much sweetheart. So much."
Since he doesn't push me away or tense up, and since I take it that we're both in a different space now, I decide to try my luck to push it one step further. "Is it too much to ask for a hug back?" I question hopefully.
"Yeah," he says. I'm prepared to accept the answer for what it is and free him from my embrace, but next thing I know Aj is actually hugging me back. Not with one arm, but two.
I hold back on the tears so that I don't drive Aj away sooner than he planned. Instead, all I do is smile and allow tears to cloud my vision. I squeeze him as tight as I can, trying to take advantage of this rare moment. It's so rare that I can't even believe it is actually happening. It has been so long since Aj has hugged me back or reciprocated anything. And though he didn't want to at first, I'm not sure what changed but I'm so glad it did.
After a few seconds Aj decides he's had enough and let's me go. Though our hug is over, I don't let him go until I pull his face down like I used to do a while back, kissing his cheek until he starts to complain.
"Aight papa, damn," he moves his face away making me laugh. Once again, he laughs under his breath. "Dragging it now," he mumbles before leaving me standing there, still laughing at his resistance to my kisses. I might have 'dragged' it, but it was so worth it.
In a much better mood, I finally make my way back downstairs. It's okay. I can do this.
I continue to give myself a Pepe talk until I'm at the bottom of the steps, immediately met with Tyler. "I was looking for you Cam. Where you went?"
"Oh, I went to...use the bathroom. What's up?" I smile.
"So, I got a show three months from now at the Hampton Colliseum which is bout a hour away from here. You and the kids ain't seen me in concert for years and Ant ain't seen me in concert ever. So three months from now on the fifteenth, yall not doing shut but coming to see me. So put it on your calendar."
"Of course we'll be there are you kidding me?" I laugh, "I wouldn't miss it for the world."
"Yeah, we coming too!" Zaza says on the couch about her and Black. Tyler flashes his eyes over there.
"Oh yeah, for sure...that nigga gotta pay for a ticket though," he mumbles the last part, looking back at me. It's evident they probably haven't been getting along that well. Or maybe they haven't been interacting at all.
"You coming on stage with me?" Tyler asks me.
"Okay, no." I answer quickly. Never in a million years. All of those people looking at me? "Maybe Taleah would like to."
"Like to what?" Leah asks.
"Be on stage with Uncle Tyler."
"Oh I thought that was a given. Imma be on stage like—" Taleah starts humming one of Tylers songs, dancing by rotating her hips like most young girls her age do. I laugh while Tyler looks at Taleah like she has three heads.
"Fuck is you doing?" Ant's voice comes from the backyard door as he steps inside, met with the sight of Taleah lost in her dance routine. Tyler and I can't help but to laugh harder. Taleah kisses her teeth, stopping her dancing.
"Daddy you a hater, bye." Taleah snatches her phone off of the counter, running upstairs to her room as she calls out for Aj.
Anthony shakes his head, looking at me for an explanation. I just shrug. I really couldn't tell him.
"I was just telling Cam about the sh—"
"Somebody smoking weed in here?"
We all look over at the couch where Phenoix, Zaniyah, and Black are sitting. And the only voice that belonged to was the only man at the couch.
"Nah," Tyler frowns at him, then looks back over at us. "Yeah anyways. I was telling Cam about—"
"No man, it smells like somebody smoking some serious weed in here," Black continues. If somebody was smoking weed we would've said they were. But no one would be smoking weed inside to begin with. I'm sure he's just smelling Ant since he was just outside smoking.
"Well we not. The babies not. What's the confusion about?" Tyler asks.
"There's no confusion man. I'm just checking cus I got my son in here—"
"And I got my daughter in here. Ain't nobody gon be smoking around babies nigga. We not slow," Tyler turns his face up in annoyance.
"I didn't say that. But you got two teenagers in here who just disappeared at the same time and all I'm saying is make sure nobody smoking around my kid."
Him mentioning the twins that turns the conversation worse than it already was because now Ant gets involved. "My kids don't smoke. We ain't gotta make sure of shit. He said what it was. You got a issue with that?" Ant asks, walking towards the living room area where he is.
"Oookay, let's go," Zaniyah taps Blacks leg.
"Zaniyah relax. We not fighting, we just having a man to man conversation. All I'm saying is that smell of weed came from nowhere and if y'all smoking in here, do that on your own timing. So yes, I do have an issue. Let me know so I could get my woman, get my son, and go bout my business. You feel me? I got other things to do—"
"Black, no one is smoking in here. My brother was smoking outside and it just smells like it cus he opened the door. That's it."
"That's a different strain of weed you got then. Might as well blow the smoke in my sons face then if it's strong enough to take up a room like that. What strain of weed is that?" Black asks Ant.
"Go bout your business," Ant motions towards the door.
"What was that my man? I said what kind of strain is that."
"I said go bout your business."
"Oh, we're getting thrown out? Aight man," Black utters, standing up. "It's that illegal shit you smoking. Weed legal, but not that kind you high off of. Cmon man, I do this for a living. Zaniyah let's go."
"Babe, I'm not ready to go ye—"
"Nah Zaniyah," Ant interjects "Leave fore I break that nigga face, real shit." He nods, giving Zaniyah a chance to leave.
"Oh, you threatening me now? Wow. You know what I do for a living?"
"I don't give a fuck what you do. Ion do threats nigga. So what you on?" Ant frowns, taking another step towards Black.
"I ain't on shit man. What are you on, drugs?" Black laughs. Little does he notice Ant is moving closer to him.
"Babe..." I try to call him back. If everyone could just calm down that would be great.
"I see Zaniyah wasn't lying when she said you got anger problems. If I was in my uniform and caught you acting like this on the street, you woulda been in pris—"
"Ant, no!" Zaniyah tries to interject, but it's too late. Like Ant already warned he would, like I already knew he would, Anthony punches Black in the face two times. Those two times are enough to have him stumbling back into our furniture, knocking pictures down as he clutches onto his eye while his busted lip leaks all over the floor. He tries hitting Anthony back but I think his coordination is off from the aftermath of the punches.
"Anthony!" Zaniyah hits Ants arm angrily, gasping at the sight of her boyfriend. Though her reaction is exolosive, Ant seems strangely mellowed out despite literally having just punched someone. "Why the fuck would you do that?!" She yells, now crying. "Oh my God, let's just go." Zaniyah picks up Bryson's car seat, and her bag, rushing out of the house without saying good bye as Black drags them both out of here. Well that's unfortunate. I wish Zaza would have stayed as she is more than welcome, but her boyfriend was very obviously provoking Anthony. Still with that said, Anthony allowed his anger to drive that situation.
"I don't give a fuck, he deserved that," Phenoix shrugs from the couch, while rocking Taylor. "Just saying."
"That nigga was annoying me the whole fucking time. His entire presence was annoying." Tyler complains.
"That's exactly what I'm saying. The way he was talking to y'all was passive aggressive as fuck, that's why earlier I had to catch myself cus I was gonna say something." Phenoix agrees, "Let me continue to mind my business though chile," she purses her lips, looking back down at her baby and kissing her.
"Clean that up for me. I be back," Ant tells Tyler about the blood, grabbing his keys and phone while walking out of the door. Nope, not on my watch.
"I guess we'll be back," I say before following after Ant. Ironically, Ant being outside is when Black speeds off in his car probably thinking Ant was coming back for more.
And sees me, but he doesn't question why I'm following him. Instead he just unlocks the car door for me and then once I'm in, he hops in the drivers seat and just starts driving—to where, I don't know.
Maybe Black would've gotten away with it if he didn't mention putting Anthony in prison, but I don't know. He was playing a dangerous game. And frankly, I feel like he got what he was asking for. Provoking someone who is clearly upset is so stupid. Especially if you know he has "anger problems."
I just hope that didn't cause too much drama for Zaniyah. I feel bad. On top of being a new mother possibly dealing with who knows what—postpartum or anything like that—now who knows how she'll have to deal with this situation. Ant literally busted her boyfriends lip open and gave him a black eye. That can't just be skated over and I'm sure it won't be. Especially because he's a police officer.
I notice that the route Anthony is taking is the exact one we take when we're going to his tattoo shop since I see that we're approaching the tunnel that had all of the graffiti again.
"You have a client?" I ask.
"Nah. Gotta fix sum."
"Do you have to? Or can it wait?"
"It could wait. Why? You needa go somewhere?"
"No, I want you to stop right here," I say as we're under the tunnel.
"For what."
"Just listen to me."
Anthony stops the car abruptly, sending my body flying forward. While he's in the middle of apologizing, I'm too busy getting out of the car on my own and heading to the trunk. Anthony gets out after me, scolding me for not waiting for him and asking me what I'm doing. I continue to ignore him, pulling out the box I snuck in here a while ago waiting for the perfect moment to pull it out. I tell him to help me open the box and when he does, he laughs at what's inside.
"You deadass?"
"Yes. I told you to add to this wall so that's what you're gonna do. Instead of rearranging things unnecessarily, spend your time doing this instead. Go ahead," I pull out one can, tearing it myself on one of the walls of the tunnel. A nice vibrant blue color. "Go. I think you can translate any frustration that you're feeling into something more."
Plus it's pretty late now with only like thirty minutes until the sun goes down. Barely anyone passes through here and if they do, oh well. We aren't in the way.
Ant grabs the blue bottle of spray paint from me, finally starting to spray it on the walls. At first I can't make out what it is but once I do, I lower my eyes. "Did you just spray paint a can of spray paint?" I ask. He laughs. Of course he would.
"No, spray paint something with meaning. Frustrations, things you love, messages, anything."
With that, he writes out the words 'I love Cameron.'
"Anthony D'arell Jackson, stop playing around," I narrow my eyes.
"Ion know what you want baby, honestly."
"Yes you do. You just don't want to do it," I sigh, ready to walk back to the car. Fine. If he doesn't want to I can't force him to.
"I do baby. Aight, wait." He sighs. I stare at him staring at the wall, waiting for him to do something. He puts a few colors on top of the car, then finally starts to create something with intention.
First he makes four shapes that are layered on top of each other. He colors one in with black, one in with yellow, another with pink, and the last one with blue. Then alternating the colors, he begins to draw what looks like abstract, exaggerated features on all four of the shapes. That's when I realize: the blue circles on the top of the yellow snape are my eyes. The long purple eyelashes on top of the pink shape is Leah. The straight black eyes on the top of the blue shape is Aj. And the black shape with red X's for eyes is Ant.
"Is that us?" I ask for clarification.
"Probably," Ant mumbles, observing the picture. This is what I was talking about. This is what I knew he could create.
I stand back and watch as Ant takes the can of black spray paint, continuing to add onto the figure that represents him. I follow his hands as they create bold bubbles and irregulars shapes that seem to all have mouths pointed in Anthony's direction. Ant picks up the white spray paint, adding some dimension that emphasizes the way the irregular shapes which I now see as faces surround him.
"What is all of that?" I ask, squinting my eyes at it.
"If I took—" Ant pauses, grabbing the red spray paint, "You want me to draw my frustration. This what I walk around with," he explains lowly. "Everyday. Every minute." He grabs a grey paint, now adding more shadows that are making the painting event more candid.
Anthony takes the red and blue spray paint, now beginning to add what looks like veins leading from the mouths of the shapes to his head, running down through him and leading to the other four shapes that are meant to represent us.
"This shit don't ever go away. It's on replay saying the same shit over and over again. And sometimes I feel like it's tainting my brain and make me do certain things I know I got no business doing. They don't exist to nobody else but be but they there. Watching everything I do. Monitoring everything I say. How I say it. Who I'm talking to. Like I'm ten me's in one body and none of them niggas like each other," Ant stares at the drawing, "But then I know what's real to me and I get told I'm crazy. Or niggas try me in my own house like I don't kill niggas. I done that shit for a living. And the restraint it takes for me not to kill everybody that piss me off ain't something to see. I'm holding me back and ten niggas pushing me to do it. Every nigga that gets away is lucky. That bitch ass nigga in my shit—lucky I could keep my calm. That's all that shit is. It's tiring. They following me everywhere. And that shits in my blood now ain't shit I could do about it. And every day from the moment I wake up, they feeding me shit bout you and the way you think I'm crazy but I gotta just..." Ant's face hardens all of a sudden, abruptly stopping.
I look around us in the dark tunnel to see if anyone is coming, but that's not what it is. Ant looks behind him, but there's nothing there either. Then he looks at me, not saying anything. I think Ant may be having an episode. I've witnessed him having them alone in the bathroom, but never fully while we were in the same space together.
I walk up to him, "I'm listening babe," I touch his arm gently. "Go ahead."
Ant doesn't answer me, continuing to look behind him. "Hey, babe." I touch his face. He finally looks at me. "I love you. Okay? I'm here, whenever you need and whatever you need. Every step of the way. No matter what they're saying. I don't think you're crazy. Don't listen to them," I reassure.
"Hm," Ant laughs briefly, never responding to what I said. "Let's go."
I get back in the car while Ant quickly puts the spray paint away and back in the trunk. I now don't know if that was a good idea or bad idea. I hope I didn't trigger his episode, but I can't tell. The only real way I know how to deal with these situations is leaving him alone but I have no choice but to try and address it face to face now.
Ant gets back in the car silently, mumbling to himself. I to steal glance at him because I'm worried, but I don't want him or his mind to feel like I'm staring at him with negative thoughts. It's not that, I just want to ensure that he's okay.
Without starting the car up, Ant and I sit in the dark tunnel for a couple of minutes. As he's mumbling to himself all I can do is stare out the window, waiting for the episode to pass. I've already told Anthony that he needs to go back to therapy and get some medication, but the topic gets brushed off every time. It's like he's so opposed to it even though I tell him over and over again that it will help him get better. I don't know why he won't just go. He convinces me that he's going to call the therapist but he hasn't yet.
While I'm looking out the window, suddenly I feel Anthony's hand behind my neck, startling me. I tense up for a moment, but I quickly relax my muscles in hopes that maybe this means his episode is over. But much to my disappointment, it isn't. And I know it isn't when Ants hold on the back of my neck slowly tightens until my it's secure in his grip. It doesn't hurt, but it's a little bit uncomfortable because of the angle my head is in. Ant gazes into my eyes, slowly rocking my head back and forth. I feel like I should be scared, but I keep telling myself over and over again that this is my husband who has mental health issues and he would never do anything to scare me on purpose. And he especially would never do anything to hurt me. So, I relax as best I can.
"I love you Cameron," Ant says.
"I love you to—"
"But you gotta stop lying to me." He interrupts me. I don't understand.
"I didn't lie to you Anthony. What are you talking about?"
"You think I'm crazy."
"No, I don't." I say confidently, making sure to look in his eyes as I say it. "That was not a lie and it was never a lie."
Ant stares into my eyes for longer as if he and any other voice in his head are looking for signs of unsureness. But I'm telling the truth. I think Anthony has mental health problems. I do not and never will think he's crazy.
After a couple of seconds, Ant finally lets my neck go and leans his own head back on the headrest. "Fuck," he breathes out, squeezing at his eyes. As I'm full on looking at him now, I can tell that he's stressed and his mind is all over the place. The day started off so well but that doesn't matter when you're dealing with something like this. Things can switch in the blink of an eye. And because I'm always away from Ant when this is happening, I can barely stomach seeing him like this. Seeing him so stressed and not in control of his feelings. Seeing his eyes look so lost and confused like the voices are telling him conflicted things. It bothers me so much that I feel like an anxiety attack is coming on. And although it may be far from normal, or even silly to some, to distract both him and myself, more specifically to ease his tension the quickest way I know how, I put my hand on the top of his sweats.
"It's okay babe," I start hesitantly "Just relax." I rub my hand slowly across his pelvic area, instantly feeling him harden under my touch. I'm hoping and praying this works because I don't know what else to do.
Ant looks at me with eyes softer than they were a minute ago. But he's still not back one hundred percent. So I need to go further.
That's when I pull him out of his sweats and lower my head. I wrap my lips around his length, grabbing onto the bottom with my hand and then in the best way I know how, I suck on him. My desperation makes me do it as if we aren't in his car. Usually when I'd do this in his car it's under different, more lighthearted circumstances and I take my time so that I don't make too much of a mess. But I don't have time to focus on that right now. I just want to ease Anthony's tension.
Anthony grunts from above me and every time he does, it gives me the willpower to take him further down my throat while I use my tongue and cheeks to please him even more.
"Swallow that dick," he says deeply. I moan, squeeze my eyes shut and follow his command. Though I'm moaning around his length becoming more and more aroused myself, I try and stay focused on what I'm doing and try not to get too lost in the moment.
It goes on like that for about three more minutes until his hand is on the back of my head, pressing my face down and sending him straight to the back of my throat, not letting me go until he finished completely. I pull my lips off of him and swallow what's in my mouth. Please tell me that worked. Please.
"Fuck," Anthony groans out again except this time compared to last it's in pleasure. He pulls his sweats back up, starting the car back up. "Nah let's go. I gotta fuck you properly," Ant says, pressing on the gas. I laugh. I think it may have worked. I really really hope so.
Ant usually drives fast, but he's driving a bit faster than usual. I think he may be eager to blow off some more steam which is why he's driving this fast. But I don't mind it. I'm eager as well. Since living together, we've been able to be intimate with each other way more often and we've been enjoying every minute of it. And now, if Ant needs my body as a stress reliever I'm available.
Though the car is mostly silent, I'm busy anticipating our time later when all of a sudden, red and blue lights flash in the rear view mirror. It's the police trying to pull Anthony over. You address one problem and there goes the other one waiting for you right on the highway.
"Babe," I start, my voice already shaking. "Pull over."
"Fuck I'm getting pulled over for," Ant mumbles angrily, quickly switching over to the left side of the highway and stopping.
"I don't know just...stay calm. Please. Please." I sigh, brushing my hand over my face. "Just keep your hands on the wheel and don't—"
"How y'all doing tonight?" The white officer in shades asks through the window, shining a flashlight inside of the car. Two of them come up. One on my side and one on Ants side. This can go very bad very quickly and I really need Ant to use his brain right now.
"Aight."
"Where you guys coming from?"
"Nowhere."
"Nowhere huh? I mean you're in your car so you've got to be coming from somewhere. Home? Work?"
"Like I said, nowhere. What's the problem?" Ant asks. I look over at him. Please don't do this Ant.
"Alright, so you were going 70 in a 55. I'm gonna need some ID. License and registration," the cop sighs, "Don't make this harder than it has to be."
"Wha—"
"Babe," I say through my teeth. Ant looks at me, then instead of replying to the officer, he pulls out his license and registration, handing it to the officers. The officer observes it for a moment then looks at Ant.
"Anthony Jackson," he mumbles, popping the gum in his mouth. "What y'all doing out tonight? Drinking?"
"Nah."
"You sure about that?"
"Ain't that what I just said?"
"I ask the questions here. You're speeding over 15 miles on the highway, you know how dangerous that is? So I'm wondering why you'd be out right now speeding."
"Aight, give me my ticket then."
"I'm afraid it's not that easy. This can be a penalty for reckless driving and you can come down to the station with me," the officer mumbles, continuing to look at Ant's ID. Then he looks at me. "What's the relation?"
"Don't worry bout it. Give me my shit so I could go—"
"What is the relation?" The officer raises his voice.
"Nah what's the real reason you stopping me? Cus you ain't getting shit you came for or what you want without fighting for it. Promise you that." Anthony chuckles.
"Something funny?" The officer asks.
"You tell me."
"You do understand that I just told you you were speeding Mr. Jackson."
"So give me my shit so I could go. Fore this go left," Ant stares at the driver, dropping his hand off the wheel making me jump in my seat.
"Babe stop it. Please," I beg. "Stop it."
The officer looks at me, then at Ant. Finally he sighs. "I'll be back. Stay right here." Him and the other officer walk off to their police car. After a few minutes of silence and tension in the car, Ant rolls up the windows and then opens his glove compartment placing his gun on his lap. Oh my gosh.
"What are you doing?!?!" I scream at him.
"Nah ion trust that shit," Ant shakes his head, keeping his hand on the gun while looking through the side mirror.
"Ant stop that! Put that away now!" I beg. Anthony doesn't listen. He never listens to me. This is the worst thing you could ever do. Especially know the circumstances he's been in before. This can go so bad and he will end up in prison again. Oh my gosh. I'm gonna have an anxiety attack. Oh my god.
"Anthony put it away. Please babe. Please. Please."
Anthony continues to ignore me. Now I have no other choice but to take matters into my own hands. Though I know that it's dangerous being that Ants hand is right on the trigger, I use all of the force I possibly can muster up and pull the gun from Ant's hand. And just as I do that, stuffing it under my shirt, the officer comes back to the window. Anthony rolls the window down with a very stoic look on his face. He glances over at me and at my shirt with anger written all over his face, not paying attention to the officer.
"Alright, I'm giving you a ticket for speeding. Moneys due in thirty days. You'll find information on here if you want to fight it in court. Next time, drive slower. Cus it won't just be a ticket next time. You could hurt yourself and other people on the road." The officer places the ticket in the car and then after that they leave.
Once they're gone from view, Ant silently holds his hand out to me. I take the gun from under my shirt, practically able to feel my heart beating from my stomach. I place the gun in Ants hand and he stares at it for a couple seconds.
"Cameron. Imma tell you this one time and never again. Don't you ever do that again. Ever—"
"But Ant, they," I exhale, feeling like I'm running out of breath. "That would have—"
"Fuck I just say?"
"But—"
"What the fuck did I just say?!" His deep voice overtakes the entire car only making my heart beat faster. "You listening or you talking? What the fuck did I just say?!"
"But babe if they saw the gun on your lap they would've shot you Anthony they were giving you a ticket that's a—"
I try my best to explain myself, but I know Ant isn't listening. He aggressively puts the car in drive to shut me up then drives off. And the rest of the drive is filled with silence. He doesn't understand. If they saw that gun on his lap that would have went from a traffics stop to something I don't even want to think about.
"But when that gun go off and you shoot your fucking self then what. Nigga you grabbing shit and imagine bullet go through your head then what's next. Stay in your fucking place—"
"Hey, don't talk to me like that!" I exclaim, blinking back the tears in my eyes. "I don't like when you speak to me that way."
"I don't like when you don't fucking listen. Start acting like you got sense."
I was going to continue arguing, but I don't think I can take it. So instead, I fold my lips in and look out side of the window to hide my tears. I just don't know what to say any more. He's never going to listen to me. Especially not right now. He just came from an episode and may very well still be in one. There is nothing I can say or do.
The rest of the drive is obviously very silent. When we get back to the house, Tyler and Taylor are still there but Pheonix is not because he told me she got invited last minute to a party by some of her friends in Virginia. He also said she left a few bottles of breast milk in the fridge so 'nobody drink it.' I think Tyler senses that something is wrong, especially when Anthony goes straight up to our room and only I stay back to talk to him. But I follow after Ant shortly.
During the ride, I tried to brainstorm ways that I can make Anthony not mad at me anymore. Because I'm not even mad at him. I know there are some things that he can't control. I just really wish that he would listen to me sometimes. That could have costed his life back there. Both of our lives even. All for the end result to just be a one hundred dollar ticket. That's all. Would that be worth our lives? One hundred dollars? But he can't seem to understand that.
Up in our room, I'm prepared to test the waters with Anthony and possibly apologize. Tell him I didn't mean to make him upset or act irresponsibly, but also express to him why I felt the way I felt. But, when I try to start, I'm shut down. He doesn't speak to me at all. Not once. The only thing he does is go in the bathroom and motion me over to go in there with him. When inside, he shuts the door behind us and locks it.
For a while I'm confused, stuck staring at the ground because all Ant does is stare at me. He doesn't do anything. And he still doesn't say anything. He just watches my every move.
The only thing left, once again, is for me to resort to the only way I know how to fully get through to him. I start peeling off my clothes one bye one, avoiding his watchful eyes. Once I'm completely naked, I turn on the shower so that no one can hear us. Then, I pull Anthony's sweats down. I grab him and the turn around, lining him up with my entrance and then push back onto him, moaning as I do. Only then is when Anthony acknowledges me; by placing a hand on my waist, pulling me back onto him harder and harder with each passing second.
I'm willing to do anything to make Anthony happy. He has problems that need dealing with, and I'm patient but afraid. Afraid of where his mental health may lead him one day if I'm not around. Thats why I said I'll be here every step of the way. No matter what. I'm prepared to help Ant through anything. Stay with him through anything. With our new life, I need to be prepared to be with Ant, and everyone else that he may come with. The truth of the matter is, I'm not just married to Anthony Jackson. It's much more than that.
"Uhhhhh," my eyes roll to the back of my head as I moan out in pleasure. Ant now thrusts into me over and over again, only adding to the sensitivity and soreness that hasn't gone away yet from two nights ago.
I moan louder when I begin to get overwhelmed, tingles taking over my body. I feel Ant swell up inside of me and then finally the missed feeling of all of him emptying inside of me has me finishing all over our bathroom floor. Whatever it takes.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
🤨
Thoughts on...
Ant/Cam?
Aj/Leah?
Tyler/Phenoix?
Zaniyah/Black?
a lottt happened in this chapter. tylers back, we got a pheonix pop up (💀), aj and cam taking meaningful steps, black being introduced, and ant doing a whole lot and that's not even everything 😧 too much happened so i can't even recap the way i want to booo
anywaysss i hope you guys enjoyed this chapter !! six more to gooo
ily all and see u *soon* 💓