On Monday, the day after Monza, we got into Charles' car and we drove nine hours to Chartres, outside of France. He had driven to Monza from Monaco to clear his head while driving, and now he's stuck with his car and we have to drive to Chartres, and then back to Monaco.
We got there late, but I met up with Evie as soon as I got there. We ended up kicking Charles out of our room, making him stay with Pierre for the night, it would be good for them on a night like this. They can talk about it. That's what Evie and I did. She had her head in my lap and I massaged her scalp while I just let her talk about everything going on in her life. Belgium, her family, Anthoine and then that scumbag that lied to the press to get some attention.
The next morning, we woke up early — which was very weird of us because we never ever do. But we decided to take a bath, do face masks and do our makeup together. Charles did come back to the room to collect his suit and his things to get ready. I put my black nylon tights on with the black dress I brought and I put a black cardigan over it. I put my hair up in a ponytail and I added a black bow.
We met up with the boys down in the lobby. They looked tired, exhausted, and the mood was down again. We got into a car that took us to the cathedral. A large, majestic cathedral, so extraordinary. There were people outside, showing their support, but even police had to be there to keep it under control. There was a large screen showing a picture of Anthoine with the Tricolore behind him. They would be allowed to hear the priest speaking from the outside.
Inside, there was a photo of Anthoine set up, and he was smiling at anyone coming through the door. The front row of chairs had helmets on them. They were the seats reserved for the drivers attending. We went with Charles and Pierre as they found their old helmets and where they'd be seated. Then we mingled lightly with the other people inside, like Max Fewtrell, who attended. Mick was there and it hurt to see him that sad.
Alain Prost attended the funeral as well, as well as Jean Todt from the FIA. He was at Jules' funeral too, and I remember being so mad at him, because they had just gone out and said that Jules' death was his own fault. I still struggle to look at him without feeling anger.
Evie and I sat down a few rows back and we held onto each other's hands during the ceremony. We could see Charles and Pierre drying their eyes a few times and I had to hand Evie a tissue at one point. It hurt to see another young driver go, and to say goodbye to him too early.
They carried the casket out into the sun to be driven away. I found Nathalie, his mother, not long after and I once again gave her my condolences as she was crying. That broke my heart, the crying mother holding on to the son she has left for support. I was also introduced to his father, who had been mostly quiet since it happened, which was equally as heartbreaking.
We went to the reception where we had food and drinks, we talked to some of the other guests and then we left quite early. Both Charles and Pierre wrote a check to Anthoine's family to help pay for the whole funeral, even though they insisted it wasn't necessary.
The day after the funeral, Charles and I had to drive another nine hours back to Monaco. I spent most of the drive sleeping or reading. At some point, Charles got bored and began blasting music, forcing me to sing along with him. To make it better, he rolled the windows down and he made my hair even more of a mess, then actually reached over to mess it up further.
When we finally got home, his mood changed as soon as he remembered the room rule. It was really driving him insane. But he had to accept it, and we spent most evenings on the sofa outside of my room, which had no rules applied to it.
I had to go back to practice and he went running with me every morning, then either walked me to the studio or drove me there. People were starting to notice how we spent more and more time together and I was slowly getting used to the idea of people talking about it on the internet. I didn't see the mean comments about it, just the ones stating the facts about how we had been seen together alone significantly more lately.
After a few days home, Charles and I came back from a run, laughing about him almost tripping over nothing on his way to the door. The laughter quickly faded when we walked into the kitchen and saw Pascale sitting at the kitchen island with a cup of coffee in her hands, across from a dark haired woman. Both women turned their heads as we walked in, and Sophia, Jules' girlfriend was the woman sitting there.
She had gotten older, of course. She dressed differently, she looked different, held herself up differently. She was looking right at me and I was staring right back, not sure exactly how to react. She was always nice to me, she felt like an older sister at some times. They only dated for two years before the crash, but to me at that age, it felt a lot longer. But then she also moved on from my brother while he was still here, finding a new guy that, as far as I'm aware, she's still with. My brother wasn't even gone, and if he would've woken up, he would wake up to find that she didn't wait for him, and I can't forgive her for that.
"Bonjour Céline," she greeted me with a smile, which caused me to stop staring and blink a few times, looking over at Pascale instead.
"Sophia est venue te voir," Sophia came to see you, Pascale said slowly, cautiously looking up at me, then she stood up from the stool she was sitting on, looking at her son, "Laisse les parler," let them talk.
But Charles moved further into the kitchen, showing no sign of leaving the room. Pascale looked tiredly after her son and then at me as if I was going to say something to him, but I didn't want to be alone with Sophia, so I stayed silent and slowly, carefully, went to sit across from Sophia where Pascale had been sitting.
"C'est bon, je suppose que ça a à voir avec lui aussi," It's okay, I guess it has to do with him too, Sophia said to Pascale, who nodded and left the room while Charles took a seat next to me, looking at Sophia without saying anything and we could see her get uncomfortable. "Tu as tellement grandi," you have grown so much, she says with a heavy breath out as she smiles. She's Italian and when I was younger she mostly spoke Italian, but now she's pretty much fluent in French.
"C'est ce qui se passe avec le temps," That's what happens over time, I mumble with a shrug. She looks down at her hands and she swallows as she looks a bit uncomfortable again.
"Tu lui ressemble tellement," You look so much like him, she says, still looking down at her hands. I held back the snarky comment about genes also working that way. "Je ne peux pas te demander de faveurs..." I'm in no place to ask you for favors... she starts and it lets me know just how bad this is going to get.
I look up at her to meet her gaze. It's cautious and her eyebrows are tilted back, making her look a bit sad. I don't say anything, I just wait for her to continue.
"Je ne m'attends pas à ce que tu comprennes pourquoi je suis parti... mais j'aimais vraiment ton frère," I don't expect you to understand why I left... but I really loved your brother, she says and I feel my throat closing up and I need to take two deep breaths. "Je l'aimais tellement... et je me sentais si seul après l'accident," I loved him so much... and I felt so alone after the accident.
"Je comprends," I get it, I say shortly.
I can't listen to it. I can't sit here and listen to her talk about how much she loved my brother when she showed how easy it was for her to move on. That was my brother. The person I looked up to the most and the person I would give my life to get back, and she showed me how easy it was to leave. If you're able to leave a person like he was, then I don't think you deserve to come back, because clearly you didn't see how much he's worth the first time.
She sighs and takes a sip from the cup in front of her. Charles puts a hand on my thigh and he squeezes. I turn my head to look at the way he's reacting and I see how he holds his head up with his hand, his elbow leaning on the counter, with a completely monotone facial expression.
"Je dois conclure. Je n'ai jamais eu de fermeture avec lui et j'en ai vraiment besoin pour vraiment avancer dans ma vie..." I need closure. I've never had closure with him and I really need it to really move forward in my life... she said and she looked up at me. She must see the look on my face because she immediately continues. "Tu étais de loin la personne la plus importante dans sa vie, et je sais que tu ne m'aimes probablement pas beaucoup... mais s'il te plaît, aide-moi à avancer. Je ne peux pas avoir l'impression de le tromper pour le reste de ma vie," You were by far the most important person in his life, and I know you probably don't like me very much... but please help me move on. I can't feel like I'm cheating on him for the rest of my life.
While I felt anger towards her for even asking me for help to move on from my brother, when she's been looking pretty moved on for the past five years — I also felt sorry for her. Somehow I managed to feel sorry for the woman who left my brother without saying goodbye. The woman who left my brother to potentially wake up to find out that his girlfriend went to someone else. I managed to feel sorry for her. A part of me was thinking how horrible it is of her to ask me how she's going to leave behind the memory of my brother to be happy with somebody else, but the other part knew that she can't live her life after him anymore, because he's not here, and I think he would've wanted her to move on and find happiness somewhere else.
"Je ne sais pas comment vous comptez obtenir ceci ici," I don't know how you expect to get that here, Charles spoke up, making Sophia look at him. She looked like she was more worried about him than she was about me.
"Je veux aller au Japon... être au dernier endroit où il était," I want to go to Japan... be at the last place he was, she said carefully, then she turned back to look at me, "Et je voudrais que tu viennes avec moi," and I would like you to come with me.
My body tenses and Charles felt it as he squeezed my leg, and through the corner of my eye I saw him eyeing me closely, but I just stared at Sophia blankly. I chose to not go back to Japan with Charles last year, because I wouldn't be able to handle it. Knowing that the last few things he saw were right where I would be. I hadn't even thought about Japan this year, but I don't think I would've gone. I don't think I'd feel the need to go, if it wasn't for Sophia asking me.
"Si ça va avec toi," If it's okay with you, she adds, looking at Charles this time.
"Je pense que tout dépend de Cece," I think it's all up to Cece, Charles replies, moving his hand to the small of my back.
I know they're both looking at me, I know they're both waiting for my answer, I just don't know if they're waiting for the same answer. I want to ask someone, I want to ask Jules but that's just impossible. Maybe I want to ask Lorenzo, or Arthur, or Evie or even Pierre or Max. But I just want to ask someone else.
"Puis-je y penser?" Can I think about it? I choke out. I notice a hint of disappointment from her side, but she nods before getting her purse and starts digging through it. She then hands me a very light green envelope.
"C'est une invitation à mon mariage... c'est une invitation ouverte," It's an invitation to my wedding... it's an open invitation, she says and slides it over to me. I stare at the closed envelope with my name written nicely across it. "Mon numéro est dessus, pour quand tu auras pris ta décision," My number is on it, for when you've made your decision, she says as she starts to stand up.
She didn't say goodbye, but she smiled softly to Charles and I before she headed to the door. She walked out of the kitchen and then we heard the door shut. I still didn't move, until Charles went to grab the invite and I slapped his hand away. I had a feeling he was going to throw it away.
"Je ne peux pas la croire," I can't believe her, Arthur says as he walks into the room. I look up at him and see his enraged face as he stands next to the kitchen island, looking at the invite in front of me.
"C'est impoli d'écouter les conversations des autres, Arthur," It's rude to listen to other people's conversations, I tell him as I stand up, bringing the invite with me. He follows me as I walk out of the room, heading for my bedroom.
"Le feras tu?" Will you do it?
"Je ne sais pas," I don't know.
"Tu ne peux pas être sérieux," You can't be serious, he says and I stop, turning to face him.
"Elle a besoin d'avancer! Que va-t-elle faire? Être célibataire pour le reste de sa vie pour faire le deuil d'une relation de deux ans qu'elle a eue dans la vingtaine?!" She needs to move on! What is she supposed to do? Be single for the rest of her life to mourn a two-year relationship she had in her twenties?! I shout at him, making him shut up as quickly as he opened his mouth.
Charles comes out of the kitchen and Pascale comes from the direction of her bedroom. Arthur presses his lips into a line and I know he still doesn't want me to go, not for her at least, but he knows his opinion about it won't matter to me. I do know whose opinion will matter, though.
Pascale puts her hands around both of my arms and she moves me away from Arthur, moving me out of the living room and into the area below the stairs leading up to my bedroom and she closes the two doors. I've already started making my way up the steps and she follows. I know better than to slam my door and shut her out, so I don't even walk into my room, I just sit down on the sofa outside as I know she's coming to talk to me.
I began opening up the envelope and I looked at the card. His name is Gabriele and they're getting married in Sicily in November. Pascale came and sat down next to me on the sofa. I'm not crying or anything, but she still pulls me to her and holds me close to her.
"J'ai besoin que tu saches..." I need you to know... she starts as she's patting my hair down, "Que tu n'es pas obligé d'y aller. Vous n'avez pas à vous sentir coupable de ne pas vouloir y aller," That you don't have to go. You don't have to feel guilty for not wanting to go.
On the other side of the door downstairs, I can hear Arthur raising his voice while I hear Charles trying to keep his voice down but occasionally raises it just to make Arthur listen to him. I can't hear what they're talking about, but I do hear their angry tones with each other. I listen, while Pascale runs her hand up and down my arm, patting my head a little as if she'd be comforting me if I was crying, but I was not. I wasn't sad, I wasn't really angry either. I was torn and that was it.
Eventually I had to get to practice. I asked to walk there alone and Charles, for once, didn't argue that. I tried my hardest to focus but I was struggling and I know Elliòtt was going insane about it.
When I got home, Lorenzo was there. He was setting the table while Pascale was making dinner. I was told to shower quickly, because dinner was almost ready. And when I got out of the shower and came downstairs, all five of us sat down at the table outside, and there was this tense silence around the table as we all know that Lorenzo was only here for one reason. I was just wondering why the hell they'd thought it would be a good idea to do it around the dinner table.
But then he cleared his throat, "Alors... Sophia était là?" So... Sophia was here? he asked, looking around the table and then at me, sitting next to him. I didn't feel like replying, and neither did Charles or Arthur, who was sitting next to each other despite their earlier argument. It was Pascale who ended up replying.
"Elle a invité Céline à son mariage," She invited Céline to her wedding, Pascale said as if it had been a nice thing we should be praising her for. She just knows she can't ask me to help her move on and then not invite me to the wedding she's moving on for.
"Et lui a demandé d'aller au Japon avec elle," And asked her to go to Japan with her, Arthur said, moving some food around on his plate without looking up. I put my own fork down and just put my elbow on the table with my head in my hand.
"Y allez-vous?" Are you going? Lorenzo asks, turning to me.
"Je ne sais pas," I don't know, I reply shortly, making Arthur scoff. His mother gives him a warning gaze but he completely ignores it and continues to poke his fork into the food on the plate. Lorenzo sighs and then he looks at me.
"Je les ai rencontrés il y a quelques mois... ce sont vraiment de bonnes personnes," I ran into them a few months ago... they're really good people, he says to me and I nod in silence.
Suddenly Arthur stands up. He leaves the plate on the table and he just walks off into the house. I stand up to follow him, but Lorenzo puts a hand around my wrist and tells me to let him walk away. I look after Arthur who heads towards his room and I feel a large pit form in my stomach, but I sit down as I'm told.
Lorenzo explains that he still keeps in touch with Sophia. They hung out a lot when she dated Jules and they became good friends before the accident. They've kept in touch and he's met the new guy. He didn't even mention the fact that she didn't wait until after he was really gone to move on, but I just sat in silence, listening.
Charles said nothing and Pascale tried to talk about other things, but it was too tense and we quickly cleaned up after dinner. I took Arthur's almost untouched plate with me upstairs. I knocked on his door but got no answer, so I opened it and saw that his room was empty, but his window was open. I put the plate down on his desk and then I climbed through the window and up on the roof, where he was sitting with his arms resting on his knees in front of him.
He looks down at me climbing up and moves to the side to make some space for me so that I can sit down next to him. He looks straight ahead, over our old house and out on the citylights making the whole country light up the way it does every night. I look down at the house I used to live in and I see a family moving inside. A little girl, probably not older than seven years old.
"Je sais que tu ne veux pas que j'y aille," I know you don't want me to go, I say to break the silence. I turn my head to look at his side profile, seeing how he clenches his jaw.
"Je ne peux même pas croire que tu l'envisages," I can't even believe you're considering it, he mutters before turning to me with an angry look on his face. "C'était ton frère et il lui faisait confiance pour rester à ses côtés... et elle ne l'a pas fait. Elle est partie dès que la route est devenue un peu cahoteuse," He was your brother and he trusted her to stay by his side... and she didn't. She left as soon as the road got a little bumpy.
"Je ne dis pas que je lui pardonne, je dis juste que si je peux l'aider à avancer, alors ça va. Je pense qu'elle devrait être autorisée à passer à autre chose maintenant," I'm not saying I forgive her , I'm just saying if I can help her move on, then fine. I think she should be allowed to move on now.
"Elle l'a fait assez bien il y a quatre ans, pourquoi a-t-elle besoin de votre aide maintenant?" She did that pretty good four years ago, why does she need your help now? he asks, turning to me to look a bit more devastated than before. More sad than angry.
"Elle m'a appris à me maquiller, elle m'a aidé à me coiffer avant un Grand Prix, elle m'a posé des questions sur les garçons et elle m'a emmené déjeuner quand tu étais occupé à courir," She taught me how to do my makeup, she helped me do my hair before a Grand Prix, she asked me about boys and she took me to lunch when you were busy racing, I start, making him look away a bit shameful. "Ce n'est pas une mauvaise personne. Parfois, les bonnes personnes font de mauvaises choses quand elles ont mal," She's not a bad person. Sometimes, good people do bad things when they're hurting.
"Tu agis trop comme Jules," You act too much like Jules, he says, the tiniest smile going up on his face. "Tu choisis toujours de mettre tout le monde devant toi," You always choose to put everyone in front of you.
I chuckle and I put my head on his shoulder. I remember my parents getting frustrated with him for putting everyone else before him. You want your kid to grow up to be a kind person, but when they're too kind, they get hurt, and you never want your child to hurt.
We sit there in silence for a bit, watching the city move in front of us. He puts his head on top of mine and he sighs heavily.
"Tu sais que je viendrai avec toi si tu pars," You know I'll come with you if you go, he says.
"Tu n'as pas à," You don't have to, I reply.
"Mais je vais," But I will.
We sat there for almost an hour before it got too cold and we went inside. Arthur went downstairs to heat up his food and I went into Charles room to see if he was there, which he wasn't. I came downstairs and I saw him sitting outside in the porch swing. He was talking to Lorenzo, who was talking to him from the open door.
Lorenzo said goodnight to Charles and then he turned around and saw me approaching. He smiled carefully and then looked behind me at Arthur. He said goodnight when I passed him, but I stopped and turned to him.
"Lorenzo," I said to make him stop. He turned around and faced me again. I threw a glance behind him at Arthur and then I spoke with a quiet voice. "Pensez-vous que je devrais y aller?" Do you think I should go? I ask.
He looks over his shoulder and then he takes a deep breath as he looks to be thinking about it, "Je ne pense pas que tu devrais à cause d'elle, si ce n'est pas bénéfique pour toi aussi," I don't think you should because of her, if it's not beneficial for you too, he says, putting his hands in his pockets, "Mais je pense... que ça pourrait être bien pour toi d'y aller," But I think... it might be good for you to go.
I nod slowly, giving him a small, soft smile before I thank him and tell him goodnight. He tells me goodnight as well and then I step out and walk over to Charles on the porch swing. I sit down next to me and he puts an arm around my shoulders, pulling me in closer to plant a kiss to my temple.
"Je prévois de me faufiler dans ta chambre ce soir," I'm planning on sneaking into your room tonight, he says and I let out a small laughter, because he's stupid to think that's going to work.
"Ta mère saura," Your mother will know, I tell him.
"Comment?" How?
"Elle sait toujours," She always knows.
"C'est vrai," It's true, I hear from the door, seeing Pascale in her nightgown. I laugh while Charles just grunts, sighing loudly and rolling his eyes at his mother. "Bonne nuit, vous deux. N'ose pas, Charles." Goodnight, you two. Don't you dare, Charles.