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CHAPTER TWO
spark another ruins
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The sounds of chains was what woke me up. Bumalikwas agad ako ng bangon dala ng pakiramdam ng kadena sa kamay ko at hindi ko maiwasang hindi manlaki ang mata nang makita kung paanong ang kanan at kaliwang paa ko ay nakakadena sa isang gilid.
Maayos man akong nasa ibabaw ng kama ay agad pa rin akong kinabahan. The memories of what happened before I lose my consciousness went back to me and I can't help but shiver at the thought that that man might've done something to me while I'm unconscious.
Agad kong chineck ang sarili. Napahinga ako nang maluwag dahil wala naman akong may naramdamang mali. Aba! Dapat lang! Kasi kung meron ay baka ako pa maturingang baliw kapag napatay ko ang lalaking 'yun.
"Antonov." Banggit ko sa pangalan niya, "Antonov! Please! I'm from IMI! I meant no harm!"
The chains jingled when I tried to move but to no avail did that man come. Kahit ganu'n ay alam kong nandito siya at kailangan niya akong pakawalan dahil wala naman akong gagawin!
I groaned loudly. I never expected that in my line of work as a psychotherapist that I'll get myself chained like the same psychopaths I've been treating! Worst is he might end my life here!
No. He will not. He might be unstable but I believe that he needs to be understood. There are reasons for his behaviour. He might've attacked me for reasons I have yet to know and that's my job to find out... well, treat actually. But I want to do my own research.
"Antonov!" I called again, "I'm Solace Cerilla! I'm a licensed and professional psychotherapist, counselor, health expert! Agh! Just let me go! This is against my terms!"
Paulit-ulit kong sinigaw ang pangalan niya hanggang sa halos mawalan ako ng tinig. Bukod kasi sa may takip ang bintana ay malayo rin ang bahay na 'to sa dalampasigan at raya ng chattel kung sa'n maraming tao. Paniguradong walang may makakarinig sa'kin dito.
"You're so noisy, you know that?"
Agad na nalipat ang tingin ko sa pintuang halos bumalibag nang binuksan niya. Do'n ko nakita ang isang lalaking hindi 'ata marunong magsuklay sa tanang buhay niya.
His body is big, in average means. The soldier in him is absolute. Halatang pugpog ng gym ang katawan niya. Even his features are sharp. His eyes are hooded, his brows are uniformly thin, his lips are averagely thin at bagay na bagay 'yun sa matangos niyang ilong. His cheekbones are defined as well as his jaw. Para kang nakatingin hindi lang sa isang modelo kung hindi sa isang dapat mong sambahin.
Salubong ang kilay niya't halatang hindi nagandahan sa pagsigaw ko pero hindi ko 'yun pinansin at itinaas lang ang kamay kong may kadena.
"What in the world do you think is?" I groaned at him, trashing the bothered part of me, "This is absurd! You already choked me to death and now, you want me chained?!"
He scoffed, "I still don't trust you."
Halos pumalatak ako sa inis, "Just check my license card! I have every documents in my bag to prove my identity!"
"I know. I saw it. I went through your things," He said as he ran a hand through his hair, "But the same ones who tried to kill me also have those. That's why you're chained. For my safety."
Hindi-makapaniwala ko siyang tinignan. Sa liit kong 'to? Well, not really small. I'm 5'7, a little smaller than his height. But with how little I look beside him, sa'kin pa siya natakot?!
"Tangina mo. Ako nga dapat matakot sa'yo 'di ba?" Umirap ako gawa ng confidence kong hindi niya ako naiintindihan, "Sa laki mong 'yan, takot ka sa'kin? Gago!"
"Ay, Ma'am. 'Yung ibang umatake rito kay Sir noon, mas maliit at maliksi pa sa inyo."
Umapaw ang gulat ko nang sumilip ang ulo ng tour guide na nagdala sa'kin kanina dito. I nearly forget his name but I'm certain it's Nigel. Nasa tabi siya ni Antonov na blangko ang tingin at hindi man lang umalis sa may door pane.
"You...!" Nangangalaiti kong sigaw, "You planned this, didn't you?! You know that I'm certainly a psychotherapist! Why did you let him chain me?!"
"Si Sir Nova...n...ehem. Si Sir Novan po sisihin niyo. Malaki po trust issue niya atsaka hindi niya naman kailangan talaga ng tulong." Sagot ni Nigel na pansin ko'y halos kamukha ni Antonov.
Hindi na lang ako sumagot at pinili na lang na humiga pabalik sa kama. I didn't know that this is the kind of unstable Antonov is. Chaining and choking me? Really? He's unbelievable!
I know that he came from a war which broke out in Russia and Ukraine years ago, but I didn't know na ganito kalala ang epekto nu'n sakanya. Hindi basta-basta ang gyera pero hindi rin basta-basta 'yung inisyal reaksyon niya sa'kin. Bakit ba siya ganito?
He's scared of getting himself killed? Is that what it is? Tama ba ako ng obserba? Sino naman papatay sakanya?
"Ma'am, may gusto raw po ba kayong kainin?"
Napunta ulit ang tingin ko sakanila. Antonov stared at me once before leaving, si Nigel naman sa gilid ay nakangiti na parang tanga. Inirapan ko siya sa inis bago tumalikod. Ramdam ding umalis siya kalaunan.
Tanungin ba naman ako ano gusto kong kainin gayong kinandado nila ang katawan ko rito? Makatao pa ba 'to? Kasi alam kong hindi at kapag nakatakas ako rito, sinisigurado kong kakasuhan ko sila. Pero nakadepende rin naman 'yun sa kondisyon nilang dalawa kasi pareho 'ata silang baliw.
"Kainis." I whispered but tried to calm myself down.
I can't be angry. I need to understand their behavior and actions to form my own hypothesis and correct my diagnose this time. Of course, treat him as well.
Antonov's actions might've been triggered by my actions. I can't be so sure for now. I need time.
I'm a psychotherapist who was given the license to diagnose and treat patients even though it differs from one another. I'm both a psychiatrist and a psychologist in a young age and it's because of the previous hierarchy my family has. I'm lucky... and not at the same time.
Isang buntong-hininga ang nilabas ko bago siniksik ang sarili sa pinakagilid ng kama. Bukod sa malaking bintana na natatakpan ng itim na kurtina ay may side table rin sa gilid ng kama na walang laman. May mga vintage cabinet din sa paligid na sinubukan kong lapitan.
I piled my long hair in a ponytail when I saw that the chains can reach the cabinet. Baka may magamit ako ro'n ngunit sa dismaya ko ay puro lang 'yun damit pang-babae... teka.
I went through the clothes. Chineck ko isa-isa mula brands ng damit hanggang sa mga libro kong nasa gilid at maayos na nakalagay.
Hindi ko maiwasang hindi matigilan.
They're my things. My clothes, my journal, my books, and my documents. They're all there.
Perhaps, Nigel or Antonov arranged this while I'm out? Is this their way of acknowledging my presence even though they don't trust me?
That's odd. This can't be their initial response to my presence.
Nakarinig ako ng yabag kaya nagmamadali kong sinarado ang cabinet bago bumalik sa kama. Agad kong kinumutan ang sarili at nagkunwaring tulog.
"Novan! You did what?!"
Isang hindi kilalang tinig ang umapaw sa labas. Rinig mula dito ang malalaki at mabibigat nilang yabag. Looks like they're arguing.
"I chained her. Get Guzon to investigate her."
That's Antonov just now. Mukhang nasa likod lang sila ng pintuan ng kwarto ko. Are they not aware that their voices are so loud?
"I told you so many times that it's Mama's request to get you checked!"
"The other ones you sent tried to kill me! How is she any different, Sweven?!"
Bumukas ang pintuan bigla pero hindi ko alam sinong nagbukas dahil nakapikit ako at nagkukunwaring tulog. Ang naramdaman ko lang ay ang presensya nilang lumapit sa kama. Kinabahan ako ro'n lalo na't babae ako at mag-isa lang ako. Anong laban ko kay Antonov na ang laki ng katawan?!
"Are you familiar with her?" Rinig kong tanong ni Antonov, "If not, I'll get rid of her."
What?!
"Mama showed a picture of her. She said you should trust her this time. She sent her based on her own observation, you know?" Sagot ng isa pang tinig.
"I don't need a caretaker. I can do well on my own here, Swev. Who will even feed her?" Antonov again.
Feed? Wow, ha? Ano tingin niya sa'kin? Aso? Tanggap ko pang tawagin niya akong caretaker pero grabe sa 'feed'? Animal na 'to.
"That's Nigel's job." Sagot ng kausap niya, "And look, he already brought her a food. You might as well unlock her from the chains now. Don't cage her here."
"I will chain her here." Matigas na saad ni Novan.
Ang haba ng Antonov. Naiinis akong tawagin siya using a three-syllable name.
Iniwasan kong pansinin ang sinabi niya. Napagdesisyunan kong hayaan siya dahil bukod sa maayos na nakahilera ang damit ko ay maayos naman akong nakakagala rito sa kwarto.
Being in this room is enough. I can maybe talk to him at least thirty or lower minutes in a day and that's helpful enough. I just need to earn his trust because fuck, I need him to revive what's left of me, too. He will glint another ruin if he won't follow me.
He's my only option. If he disagrees or much less not cooperate with me, then dead end. Tapos na lahat ng paghihirap at kagustuhan kong makatulong.
Mabilis naman dumaan ang mga araw. Hindi nga lang gaya ng inaasahan ko ay halos hindi ako binibisita rito ni Antonov gaya ng inaasahan ko. Tuloy ay pakiramdam ko'y halos isang linggo na ang lumipas pero wala pa rin akong record sa notes ko.
Ang tanging bumibisita lang sa'kin ay si Nigel na nagdadala ng pagkain ko. Hindi naman problema ang pagligo kasi abot hanggang ro'n ang kadena. Noong sinubukan ko namang lumabas ay hanggang sa may door pane lang inabot no'n. Ni hindi ko makita ang pasilyo ng bahay o ang baba man lang. Malaki rin naman kasi ang kwarto kaya halos hindi abot ng kadena.
Napanguso na lang ako habang pinupusod ang buhok ko't binabasa ang mga record ko mula pa noong isang araw. "N/A" ang nilagay ko sa lahat kasi wala naman rito ang pasyente ko.
Why can't he just show up here at least once? Haven't I proven myself worthy? One week is plenty! Hindi naman ako nagsubok tumakas o sumira nitong kadena niya. The only thing I did is lie on the bed, take a bath, check my journals, and eat! Halos wala akong progress but I've been patient!
Baka nga sa sobrang haba ng pasensya ko ay ako na ang maging pasyente kasi malapit na ko mabaliw.
And I mean it. Mula kasi kaninang umaga ay hindi pa dumadating si Nigel para dalhin ang pagkain ko. Gutom na gutom na ako.
"What are you glaring there for?"
I cussed loudly. Ang nanlalaki kong mata ay tumuon sa pintuan and by manifestation! Antonov's standing there with his usual look! Walang pang-itaas, tanging slacks ang suot at magulo ang buhok. And like what I've always said everytime he looks like that, he looks like a manifestation of a God himself. Masyadong perpekto sa paningin ko.
"Glaring?" I asked, "Since when?"
Tumaas ang kilay niya, "Just now. You're glaring at your book."
"No," I tried to laugh, "I'm just hungry."
"Perfect then." Walang-emosyon niyang sambit bago lumapit. Kinabahan nanaman ako hindi lang dahil sa laki niya pero kung hindi dahil na rin mismo sa presensya niya.
He kneeled by the edge of my bed before pulling something. Hindi ko tinignan ano 'yun kasi baka magalit siya ulit at sakalin niya ako. I just heard rattling of chains for a minute and then he stood up.
"Give me your hands." Maldito niyang utos.
Nagtataka man ay nilahad ko ang dalawang kamay. Ikinapitlag ko na lang nang isang iglap ay nakagapos na ko sa cuffs na walang-paalam niyang nilagay. Nakabukas man 'yung metal na nakagapos sa kanan kong kamay kanina ay napalitan naman 'yun ng posas.
My eyes went on him, "What... what are you-?"
"Downstairs. You should cook for you own meal. Nigel is busy." Malamig niyang paalam, "I freed you from the chains. But if you do something behind my back, I will bury a bullet in your head."
Halos tumili ako sa narinig. Tinignan ko ang paa ko at tama nga siya. Bukas na ang tila metal ro'n.
Antonov didn't bother watching how happy I am. Agad siyang tumalikod habang ako naman ay tila sabik na sabik na sumunod sa likod niya.
One week! I spent one week doing nothing in the room kaya excited akong sumunod palabas sakanya. Of course, I wasn't disappointed by my own expectations, too. His house is so eccentric yet beautiful! Classic vintage man ang design ay halatang may modernong ayos din ang bahay, bagay na ikinagalak kong makita.
"Do you trust me now?" Nagagalak kong tanong mula sa likod niya.
His head creased to the side, "No."
"Then why would you allow me to cook here? You know I can stab you, right?" Ngumisi ako pero agad 'yun nawala nang maramdaman kong tumigil siya sa paglakad.
"Let's see who's faster then." He said, his voice sounded like he's challenging me.
Hindi ko maiwasang hindi mamangha. I've never seen a patient with this so much boastful ambiance around him. Sigurado ba ang IMI na may sakit 'tong lalaking 'to? I've never seen him acted bizzarre, except 'nung sinakal at ginapos niya ako, but other than that... there's none.
Panic attack, anxiety attack, the usual feats shown by patients with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder? He didn't show any of it but Nigel once mentioned that he has medicines. Kapag naman daw hindi niya naiinom ay do'n siya inaatake.
"The ingredients are in the refrigerator. You cook." He commanded nang marating namin ang kusina. Tinignan ko naman ang malinis niyang kusina na halos walang dumi kahit saan bago siya nilingon.
"Sure ka?" Sarkastiko kong sagot bago siya nilagpasan para magluto.
"Mag-isa ka lang dito pero hindi ka marunong magluto?" Bulong ko.
"I know how to cook, woman. I just don't want to cook for you." Sagot niya na agad nakakuha ng atensyon ko.
Natigilan ako sa pagbukas sana ng ref, nanlalaki ang matang nilingon siya na ang tingi'y halos mangangain.
"Nakakaintindi ka ng Tagalog?" Tanong ko para makasigurado.
"Hindi." Tumaas ang kilay niya.
Halos malaglag ang panga ko. I've never read in my documents that he can understand Tagalog! Ang nasa languages niya ay nakasulat ang multilingual pero 'nung sinigawan ko naman siya ng Tagalog ay hindi siya sumagot! And now, he can understand it?
"Cook now. I'll watch over." Utos niya ulit.
Hindi-makapaniwala ko siyang tinignan, "You'll watch? Nagbibiro ka ba?"
Hindi niya ako sinagot. Napagisip-isip ko naman na kaya siguro siya manonood ay dahil wala siyang tiwala sa'kin sa kusina at nandito lahat ng kutsilyo niya.
The only problem I have is... I don't know how to cook any other viands except the local dishes like adobo, sinigang, laswa, and other ones. So, what I did is grab the cabbage and onions he has. Mukhang alam ko na ano lulutuin ko para makakain.
Ang tagal ko na nagc-crave nito 'e. It's my late father's favorite dish which became my favorite as well during my teenager days.
Tumikhim ako nang palihim habang naghihiwa kahit na sobrang hirap magluto habang nakaposas. I told myself that I'm alone and there are no pairs of eyes on me. I might get distracted by the way he looks and I can't let that happen. Baka masunog 'tong bahay at maging kargo de konsensya ko pa kung maging abo ang isang Antonov Novan Vitre.
I turned the stove on, put everything I need, bago ginisa ang onions tapos ang kamatis. Nang medyo luto ay sinunod ko ang cabbage atsaka ko nilagyan ng konting patis at tubig. I let it simmer for minutes after adding savors. At nang kumulo ay tinignan ko si Antonov na seryoso lang ang tingin sa ginagawa ko.
"Hey." I called out, "Care to taste?"
He raised a brow, "How am I sure that it's not poisoned?"
I almost rolled my eyes. Pero dahil gusto kong mapatunayan na dapat niya akong pagkatiwalaan ay ako na lang ang naunang sumubo. I boldly showed him that I ate a piece of cabbage as well. Para lang maniwala siya!
"Ayos na?" Sarkastiko kong tanong pagkatapos lunukin ang kinain ko.
Much to my happiness, he stood up despite the hesitance I see on his eyes. Masaya akong kumuha ng scoop bago nilapit sa bibig niya. Naging awkward nga lang dahil habang tinitikman niya ang luto ko ay sa'kin siya nakatingin!
"Ayos ba?" I asked, diverting my attention.
He didn't answer. Tumalikod lang siya at bumalik sa kinauupuan.
"Just eat. I'll bring you back to the room after."
I thinned my lip upon hearing that but I didn't bother refusing. At least I have something to write on my report today. A little interaction with him is worth it.
Sinunod ko ang sinabi niya habang pinagdadasal na sana'y huwag na bumalik si Nigel dito para mas makilala ko nang husto ang pasyente ko kahit sa pagluluto lang.
And besides, I'm starting to like his demeanor. He is a jackpot patient for sure.
All I need is to get close to him.