//Alex//
Have you ever felt like screaming at someone hoping they'd hear you because everytime you talk to them calmly it's like your talking to a wall.
Yeah, me too. And that's what happened last night after I got back to my room. I was pissed off at Dolph for the way he was acting and needed time by myself so I kept the door locked and didn't answer when he came by. Then he called me 50 times and when I answered he was furious with me but I tried explaining to him how I felt right now but it didn't go anywhere as he insisted he was normal all night long. I call bullshit but whatever.
Today is a new day and in this new day I have to go meet Dean so we can have our talk. How was I feeling about his? Honestly I don't know, was I nervous, excited- why would I be excited about this? I just don't know. It's like when your stuck between two emotions and trying to figure out which one to use. I decide to stay neutral for now. I don't want to go into this conversation angry because anger gets you no where honestly, but I also don't want to go into this too open minded and get faced with bullshit or disappointment.
So like I said I'm staying neutral, Dean's gonna be talking to a box with a mouth today.
I arrive at his hotel room, it's about 8 in the morning and a bit cold since winter is coming so I'm wearing a black jeans and white crop top with a leather jacket over it and a Grey beanie, my hair was down and I wore a pair of converse sneakers.
I knock on the door and surprisingly it open immediately.
I look up seeing Dean shirtless and wrapped in a towel, his hair was wet and stuck to his forehead. His body was also a bit wet so he had probably just came out the shower.
I find my breathe caught in my throat, don't get me wrong here I may have a boyfriend right now but the fact is Dean is an attractive guy and if i wasn't in the situation I was with him or a relationship with Dolph I'd probably tell him he looked hot right now.... or just die fangirling or something I don't know.
But nonetheless I keep my composure and look at him with a blank stare. Atleast I hoped it was blank, i hope my face wasn't actually red as I try hiding the feeling in my stomach right now.
He looks at me, slightly surprised I was here so early, we don't say anything. He steps to the side and i enter past him walking into the room. I hear the door close behind indicating I was now in here alone with Dean.
"I'll just change in the bathroom really quickly." He tells me and takes his clothes off the bed and goes to the bathroom.
When the door closes I let out a breathe. Phew! I needed that. It's not just that he's hot it's also the fact that I'm also trying to hold some resentment to him about choking me. Now some may say I deserved it for my words but Dean wasn't innocent either.
When he came out I sat down at the small table near his bed. Him on the opposite side of me.
"I'm gonna be honest with you, I'm not really good with apologies." He starts.
Well that's obvious. "So I wrote it all down a paper yesterday into this morning." He tells me taking out a paper from his pocket.
"Do you want me to read it or you?" He asks.
"I'll read it, I can tell this apology is torture for you." I respond with a small smirk.
I take the paper from him opening it. "I'm gonna make some tea, you want a cup?" He asks.
"Actually I drink coff- tea is fine, thanks." I cut myself off remembering he doesn't drink coffee.
I look back at the paper that was filled to the brim with bad handwriting and begin reading, well trying to.
Well Alex I guess if you're reading this you decided on reading it yourself instead of me aloud which I must say thank you too because social anxiety is a son of a bitch.
But anyways I'll get to the point. This gonna be a bit hard to explain but bare with me please.
I know that what i did was extremely wrong and I feel like absolute shit because of it, I hurt you, that's something I told myself I'd never do, especially after the way I treated you in the beginning, in the beginning I must admit I didn't care much about your well being and would gladly punch you in the face but when I actually got to know you I realized you're nothing like I expected, I expected a stuck up boosie rich kid but you're not that at all. You're smart, talented, witty and a very hard worker. It can be told just by your work in the ring. You bust your pretty little ass even when you don't have to. Yesterday I wanted to talk to you more at the party but I knew it wasn't the environment and I didn't want to get you more upset so I said- not even close to what I'm writing right now. But if I can take back my actions from that I night. I would without a doubt.
I called you names, degraded you and treated you like everyone else has since you got here. I bashed you on your family even I'm the one who told you that people would talk shit on your family. I guess you can say I'm people now huh? My point is I was a hypocrite, i bashes you and when you returned the favor I lashed out and used my strength against you. I should've never touched you in that manner, every night since I've had a dream about if I didn't let you go and I felt like a complete ass everytime I woke up. One time I even threw up. I'm not telling you this for you to sympathize with me, I'm saying all this to be honest with you, so you'd know how I felt afterwards and maybe you can consider that I've had enough punishment for it. But as I write that line I realize. There isn't enough punishment for putting my hands on you. Shit like that is unforgivable. It's disgusting. What I did was disgusting and I am truly and whole heartedly sorry for what I did. No amount of sorrys in the world can explain how truly sorry I am, I guess you can say I have a bad way with words. But I do have a good way with bad words. I'm a dick Alex, and I am truly sorry for everything I ever done to hurt you. I really wish you can forgive me, maybe just a little bit, I'd let you beat me up if it makes you feel better.
Your asshole friend...maybe?
Dean
P.S-Flip the page
I flip over the page.
You may get pissed at me for saying this but as i was thinking of last night, your boyfriend is an asshole, say the word and Roman, Seth and I will take care of him.
You can look up and see your tea there now.
I look up and my tea was indeed there. Also there was Dean sitting with his.
"I forgive you Dean." I tell him, he let's out a relieved sigh.
"But this doesn't mean you're off the hook, you still have to explain to me why you did what you did." I say.
"Right, right." He nods looking away briefly before asking, "have you ever heard of Jon Moxley?"
"Who?" I question.
"Jon Moxley was who I was before wwe. It's who I became after I left my parents house and started wrestling. He's very unhinged, way darker than Dean Ambrose, he's also who you saw that night when I said those things and choked you." He tells me.
"I guess I was right about the personality disorder thing huh?" I says.
He chuckles, "A little bit."
"I've been in the mindset of beat whoever does or say anything to me for so long that Jon kind pops in my head from time to time. Says some of annoying shit but that night he made a guest appearance. He's the type of guy to slap his girlfriends and do worse shit. When I came to wwe. I met William Regal he calmed me down my a thousand percent. I needed to be humbles and he humbled me so much Jon Moxley went into hiding and Dean Ambrose was born." He explains.
"So Jon is like am alter ego now, that you keep in your head until you're ready for him to be out." I state.
"I'm never gonna be ready for him to be out because I don't want Jon Moxley to return ever again." He clarifies.
"So how did I manage to bring out the worst in you?" I ask.
"I don't know, people have talked shit about my family before and thrown them back in my face but I guess it was different with you." He looks off thinking.
"I do have a tendency to get under people's skin. Maybe I just got under yours." I say.
"Maybe." He admits.
"...can you show me Jon Moxley?" I ask.
"Show you?" He questions.
"Well he was a wrestler too right, isn't there videos of him anywhere?" I say.
He nods and I take out my phone giving it to him. He searches up his former self and clicks a video playing it.
In the video was a younger version of Dean or Jon Moxley, he was seated on a steal chair smoking a cigarette, when he spoke to the camera it sent chills down my spine. Everything was different, sure his voice was a little higher in pitch than now but his body language was relaxed yet spontaneous.
He swayed lightly, speaking sharply, stopping nonchalantly. He seemed relaxed and spoke calmly, he was at ease while he described how he was gonna hurt his opponent. He even smiled a few times at his own twisted thoughts, it was like he enjoyed not only speaking about the pain he'd inflict but was excited about it.
It was a short video but it held to much I didn't even know about Dean.
I clicked on another one, this time it was a match, him and another man wearing dog collars around their necks linked by chains. This didn't phase me since I've seen dog collar matches in the past, it was the contents of the match. Dean- Jon, took a fork and scrapped it off the guys face, smiling as he screamed in pain while blood coats his face. Jon hit him with a barb wired bat, chair and both men even went through a table wrapped in barb wire. The match was bloody and grueling far more grueling than I'd ever seen before.
I paused it refusing to see anymore than I had already.
Dean was tense beside me the whole time, his hands on his lap and he didnt move an inch. Part of me thought he wasn't breathing at some point.
"Dean." I turn to him.
He turns looking at me. For the first time I've seen Dean nervous. He was always the calm one, the one that said go with the flow let's just wing it but right now he was holding his breathe at what I was gonna say next, worried on if I'd freak and say he's nuts or not.
But surprisingly, I wasn't that freaked by what I'd seen. Everyone has a past they aren't proud of and everyone has done something they regret, who am I to judge any of that.
"I'm not freaked by anything I just saw. I get it. Jon Moxley was someone you had to be to survive. Someone of your past that you- by the looks of it don't want around anymore." I tell him.
"That's what he is, the past. I'm not gonna judge you or say your crazy. If he's your past he's your past. What's important is your future right?"
He nods still silent. I turn back look forward. There was nothing more to say. He told me the truth and apologized, I told him I forgive him and didn't judge his decisions.
"OK your silence is what's starting to freak me out now." I state.
He chuckles lightly, "I don't want to say honestly, was more prepared for your to freak out over Jon Moxley than my silence."
This time I chuckle, "Yeah it would make more sense if I did, but I don't know, I guess I'm cool with it, it's not like I'm gonna force you to change who you are."
"Why don't you?" Dean asks.
I turn and look at him, "because I like who you are."
He smiles softly making me smile as well. "Would you change who I am because of my past."
"You can't change something that's already perfect." He replies.
I feel my cheeks rise with heat and look down trying to hide it. His finger brushes under my chin lifting my face to look at him.
He glances at my lips, looking between them and my eyes. He moves closer, I feel his breath fanning my face and my chest tightens with my breath becoming heavier.
He leans in but I back away. "Dean I can't." I look up at him. "I got a boyfriend remember."
"Oh...right. I forgot about him." He looks away. He moves back from me quickly.
I look back forward not knowing what to say. I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, I immediately knew it was Dolph. After last night I didn't text or call him so he wants to know where I am to talk or something.
"I should probably go." I stand up.
"Wait, it's not cause of what just happened right?" He asks quickly.
"No, it's cool, you're good but Dolph's been hitting me up all morning to I should go deal with that." I explain.
He nods, "Alright well let me walk you out." He offers.
I nod and he follows me to the door opening it for me as I step out.
I turn back to him, "I'm glad we got to talk. I kinda missed hangin' with you."
His lips tug into a small smile, "me too."
I step forward and wrap my arms around him, his body tensed at first hut soon he relaxed and wrapped his arms around my waist, tuffing his face in the crotch of my neck.
"I'll see ya around Deano." I mutter to him.
"God I missed hearing you call me that." He says lightly.
I chuckle and pull away, "Well atleast I know you liked it." I grin.
"Don't make me regret it Alex." He points at me jokingly.
"Bye." I smile and step back to leave.
"See ya." He nods.
As i walk away there was a bang in my chest that made my stomach turn. Why did it hurt to do that? I have a boyfriend who I... I'm supposed to love. So why was I feeling horrible for not kissing Dean.
Even after everything I felt safe in his arms, his hug was warm and made me feel fuzzy inside but also made my chest hurt that I had to pull away.
Sure we're cool now but after that are we 100% how we used to be.
I don't know what would have happened if I had kissed Dean and even though Dolph was an asshole last night, he doesn't deserve to be cheated on.
I don't know what's gonna happen now between Dean and I or Dolph and I.
I pull my phone out and look down at my messages, all of from Dokph asking where I am, how I'm doing and the last one being that he was at my hotel and wanted me to open the door.
Obviously he didn't know I wasn't in the room at all but I'd see him when I get there.
The real question on my mind is. Did I want to see him?