"-been through a lot, but you need to wake up. Right now." Nat's voice roused you from the darkness.
"Why?" You whispered, voice strained.
"The team is having a meeting about you. You deserve to be there for this."
You opened your eyes and saw Nat sitting on the edge of your bed, Wanda offered you a sorrowful smile from where she stood by the door.
"Okay."
The girls helped you up. Your body felt weak, muscles sore and mind drowsy. Looking down you noticed you were still dressed in your blood stained suit.
You looked questionably up at Nat.
"Sorry about that." She said as she held your hand steady. "Tony just dropped you off here to rest for a bit before heading to check on Clint. No time to change."
You nodded your head in understanding, wincing when the motion brought back the remnants of a headache.
There's a scratch in the leather. You thought, staring blankly at Clint's empty chair across from you in the war room.
You blinked, rubbing your eyes.
When did I get here?
Must've zoned out again. Focus, Liv.
Nat sat next to Clint's empty chair, tuned into the group's conversation with her gaze occasionally flicking to you from the corner of her eyes.
Choosing to ignore that, you looked to the left and zoned back in on the chair, replaying the incident over and over again in your head trying to remember exactly what happened and fill in the parts where you'd lost time.
The whole thing was a little fuzzy. While you couldn't remember everything that played out, a few things were clear.
Bucky passing out on top of you.
Fighting Hydra soldiers.
The sound of Clint's spine breaking as your shadows pushed him into a tree.
You began picking at the skin of your bottom lip.
~It's your fault he's not here.~
~If they'd paired him up with someone else, he'd be fine.~
The image of him lying prone on the table in the quinjet flashed through your mind and you immediately shut it out, picking harder at your lip.
He was trying to save you, Olivia.
~If you were better at this you wouldn't need saving.~
~You're a danger to everyone around you.~
Your leg started bouncing.
Nat leaned fully into your field of vision, pity written all over her face. You folded your hands together under the table, choosing to look at them instead as you squeezed them tightly.
You felt Loki push at your mental block but didn't let him in. You were still giving him the cold shoulder since your last conversation. You'd be damned if you let him in now to try and consol you.
~No. Let him see how it feels to be left out.~
Nat gently kicked you under the table.
This time when you met her gaze, she quickly looked behind you.
Heeding her gesture you tuned back into the conversation -no argument- that Tony and Steve were having behind you.
"...something that the team should discuss as a whole." Steve was saying.
"Discuss? Exactly what, pray tell, needs to be discussed?" Tony asked.
"She obviously wasn't ready for this, Tony. And putting her in the field presents a risk-"
Tony began to argue on your behalf before Steve had even finished. "If any of us were in that situation we would've done the same-"
"I agree with the Captain." Loki interrupted, bringing their conversation to a screeching halt.
Your eyes shot up, meeting his stern gaze from across the table. "What?" Your shock was evident in your tone.
No one spoke as the two of you held a conversation with your eyes.
You're really gonna make me say it? His raised brow seemed to say.
When you didn't back down, he sighed.
"Your lack of control has created a deficit in the field, one that has proven to be deadly." He spoke plainly.
"Lack of control." You whispered more to yourself than anyone in the room.
Loki heard you though, and continued. "Yes. Any good leader would remove you from your position immediately until further evaluation and training could be had."
"You want me to be removed from the team?" You asked, voice still a whisper.
You looked around at the rest of the team, but none of them spoke up. Probably all just as shocked as you that Loki had said something.
Or they agree with him.
~As they should.~
"Not permanently. Just until you receive more training, gain better control of your magic." He explained.
"Training? And who's fucking job was it to make sure I had that training in the first place?!" You slammed your hands down on the table.
Loki clenched his jaw, more affected by your outburst than he would show in front of everyone else.
Which just pissed you off more.
You stood, pushing your chair back.
"Liv-" Tony started, his hand landing on your shoulder.
You shrugged him off.
I'll be damned if I let him deter me.
You continued to stare Loki down as you spoke, voice scarily even. "It was your job to train me. Maybe if you'd actually give me the time of day, we wouldn't be in this situation."
Loki remained relaxed in his chair, seemingly unfazed. But you knew his body well enough that you could pick out the slightest tick in his jaw. Also, he was heavily pushing on your mental block now, but you continued to keep him out.
You did, however, push one thought through to him.
Fuck. You.
His eyes widened slightly in shock. "Perhaps if you would learn to control your emotions long enough to get through one training session, I would work with you. But as it stands you can't even manage that."
This time it was your eyes that widened in shock, along with everyone else's in the room.
Loki, unphased, continued. "This little outburst of yours is proof enough of your inability to achieve control." He looked down at your hands still flat on the table, now covered in blue wisps of shadow before once again meeting your gaze. "Your need to belong has led you to put your team at risk. Have you considered that?"
Your anger quickly deflated, guilt taking its place as you once again glanced at Clint's empty chair.
"It's all I think about." You whispered, voice gone hoarse.
The image of little Jimmy's broken, bloody body was the next thing to flash across your mind.
That was followed quickly by the sight of Bucky hanging off the ledge of the library balcony.
Then the fear in Penn's eyes the day she'd stumbled in on one of your meltdowns.
Finally, the sound of Clint's back breaking when he slammed into that tree.
~When you pushed him into that tree.~
You stepped back from the table, pushing the chair the rest of the way out of your way.
You cleared your throat. "You're right."
This time everyone turned to look at you in shock.
"I'm a liability. A danger to those around me." Your eyes filled with tears, and Loki seemed to finally realize what a precarious ledge you stood on. He stood from his chair as you continued. "You need me gone? Fine. You don't have to ask twice."
You turned to leave.
Tony looked like he was about to say something, but you glared at him until he stepped back and let you pass.
Just as you reached the open doorway, Loki grabbed your upper arm, halting you.
"Dearest-"
Oh fuck that.
"Let. Go." You said, keeping your gaze forward, refusing to look at him.
His grip loosened slightly, and you pulled your arm free walking out of the room without another word.
Flashing into your room, you called out to FRIDAY. "FRIDAY lock the door to everyone, including Tony."
"Miss Rose I don't believe that is a good idea." The A.I. replied.
"FRIDAY, I know Tony gave me full control of your system. Lock. Him. Out."
"Very well."
"Thank you."
You knew it was only a matter of time before Tony figured out what you'd done. Honestly, FRIDAY was probably informing him herself right this moment. So as a precaution, you placed your hands on the door using your magic to create a barrier. You pictured that same block that you had on your mind overtaking your room. You watched as your shadows crawled over the door, then the walls, the floor, and the ceiling leaving behind a slightly iridescent blue coating over everything.
When you felt the barrier click into place, you exhaled the relief. As the air left your lungs you rested your head against the door and allowed yourself to feel the feelings you'd been holding in.
Grief for Jimmy.
Guilt for Clint.
Heartache for Loki.
Betrayal for your team.
Helpless to control your powers.
Powerless to do anything to fix it.
Maybe it's not something that can be fixed.
Hands clenching into fists where they rested on the door, you chewed at your bottom lip.
~Alone. You're alone.~
~No one's coming to help.~
~No one cares.~
~They want you gone.~
Hurt. So much hurt. So much pain. Your own, and the pain you'd caused others.
You just wanted it to stop. The pain you felt inside, you needed to feel it on the outside.
Pushing away from the door, you eyeballed the entrance to your bathroom.
Maybe then it will stop.
~Yes, do it.~
Decision made, you went to your bathroom and found your razor in the shower. You tried to break it apart, but couldn't get it with your shaking hands. Frustrated, you used your powers to slam it onto the tile floor, shattering the plastic into pieces and freeing the razor.
Tony didn't tell you how to deactivate the suit. After a moment of frustrated struggle, you managed to rip and peel the top half off, letting it hang at your waist. The struggle to get the suit off left you feeling out of breath, your headache pulsed.
Foggy. That's how you felt. Like your entire existence was surrounded by a thick fog.
Urgent pounding on your door combined with the pressure on your mental block cleared your thoughts a bit.
Looking down you saw that you were sitting up against your tub, your forearms cut open to the bone, sinewy muscle showing through in places. You dropped the razor you'd had pinched in your right hand, and watched distantly as blood poured freely down your arms soaking your uniform and the bathmat beneath you.
Warmth drained from your body. With it so did the pain.
Until-
You were-
Just-
Numb.
Muscles unable to hold your torso up any longer, you fell to the side.
You heard your head crack against the tile floor when it hit, but felt nothing.
What you did feel was the last of your power draining from you and with it your mental block and the barrier you'd held on your room fell away.
Olivia!
Loki's voice echoed through your head as he rushed into the bathroom, scooping your limp body off the floor and into his arms.
"Little one, what have you done?" He whispered into your hair.
Your eyelids became unbearably heavy, you were helpless to stop them from closing.