Evie and I somehow managed to get out of bed without throwing up, although we had to spend an hour or two in bed, drinking water and taking aspirin. But we had to get up to pack our suitcases, then drag our asses down to the lobby to check out and get a taxi to the airport.
I said goodbye to Evie as she went to her gate, as she was going home to Monaco for the week off they had before going to England. Charles had asked me to go with him to Silverstone, one of the bigger races of the season, but I had declined because I thought it would be unfair to Elliòtt to be gone so much when I should be practicing with him. Now I'm not sure that I care what's fair and not to him, because honestly I don't think I need to be very fair to him. But I also don't want to prove him right and 'run off with my boyfriend' every chance that I get.
The flight to Stockholm was painfully slow. I tried to sleep, but I still had a bit of a headache and my whole body felt icky. But when I landed, my dad was there to pick me up, and I realized how much I had missed him. I had started jogging to get up to him quicker and I got a hug so tight I felt like I couldn't really breathe. He took my suitcase and walked it to the car and on the drive home, he told me about anything I might've missed and I told him about what I've been up to. He noticed I'm still wearing the locket he gave me for Christmas and the smile on his face when I told him I never take it off was just priceless.
When we walked through the door, mom was on a roll in the kitchen, but she moved everything from the stove to run out to hug me in the hallway. She hugged me and swayed me side to side as if she hadn't seen me in years.
"Ma vie," My life, she exclaims, showering my cheeks with kisses, patting back my hair while I scrunch up my face and try to free myself from her grip, because it is a tiny bit overwhelming. "comment s'est passé votre concours?" How was your competition?
"C'était bien, je suis arrivé deuxième mais ça va," It was good, I came second but it's okay, I shrug and take my suitcase past her into the house so I can drop it off in my room. I hear her saying how proud they are of me as I just smile and go to dump my suitcase in my room.
"Mon étoile," Dad yells from down the hall, "La course commence dans dix minutes si vous voulez la regarder," The race starts in ten minutes if you want to watch it.
"J'arrive," I'm coming, I say back, taking my phone with me. I send a text to Charles wishing him good luck even though he's probably not going to see it until after the race.
Dad and I sit down on the couch and he puts the TV on. He tells me he watched the qualifying and saw how Charles managed to get pole by a good margin. The lights go out and Charles gets a really good start. He manages to stay in front until he has to pit in lap twenty three. We watch and I hear my dad cursing as something goes wrong during the pit stop, making Charles come out behind both Lewis and Max. When it's Max and Lewis' time to pit, he retakes the lead. I feel bad for Lewis' eleven second pitstop, but I do like seeing Charles leading.
Max gets closer to Charles when he's managed to pass Sebastian, who goes into the pits. He still has to pass Valtteri before fighting Charles, though. Charles and Max are close to lapping Pierre, who didn't have a good race at all. Mom joins us on the couch just as we see Pierre looking as if he's holding Charles up to close the gap between him and Max, but gets out of the way to make sure Charles won't get DRS.
Stupid fucking Frenchman.
Max takes the lead, Dad stands up shouting when Charles manages to retake it, but then Max pushes Charles wide, causing him to run over the kerbs and Max manages to retake the lead again. Dad sits down, disappointed, as he thought we were close to seeing Charles' first win. He was so close with only two laps to go. It might sound selfish — but a part of me let out a breath, because I would do anything to be there for his first win.
But Max takes the victory, making Charles finish P2, which is still a podium. It's still eighteen points. Though I know he was hoping for it to be his first win. My mom grabs my hand and she squeezes it before she starts to clap, still happy about his podium. We watch the podium together and everything that happened on track between Charles and Max is, like always, completely forgotten as they spray each other with that champagne.
"Voulez-vous m'aider dans la cuisine?" Do you want to help me in the kitchen? Mom asks when they get off the podium. I nod and follow her out into the kitchen as dad stays in the living room to watch the post-race interviews.
She asks me to prepare some vegetables for the salad we're making so I wash them and start cutting them, trying to listen in on the noise from the TV in the living room. Mom is preparing the chicken next to me when she looks up at me for a moment too long, making me look up at her.
"Tu vas me dire comment c'est arrivé?" Are you going to tell me how it happened? She asks, eyeing me with a smirk on her face.
"Non," I shake my head, I can't gossip about that with my mom, it feels weird that she knows about Charles and I at all.
"Oh, allez, ma vie, je suis ta mère!" Come on, I'm your mother! She exclaims, pouting at me as she knows I'll feel bad. I sigh and shake my head. "Je pensais que tu voyais cet autre gars, et je pensais qu'il était toujours avec Lucie, puis Pascale m'appelle et-" I thought you were seeing this other guy, and I thought he was still with Lucie, and then Pascale calls me and- she stops herself and just focuses on the chicken.
"Et quoi?" And what? I ask, putting the knife down for a second.
"Pascale et moi n'aurions jamais pensé que cela arriverait, nous avons seulement plaisanté sur votre mariage avec-" Pascale and I never thought this would happen, we only joked about your marriage to-
"Maman, ne parle pas de mariage quand il est là, s'il te plaît," Mom, don't talk about marriage when he's here, please, I cut her off. I've been his girlfriend for a week, we don't need my mother talking about marriage already. It feels like a stupid thing to add to the things pressuring us right now. We're way too young and it's way, way too early. I don't care if it's something they've been saying for all of our lives.
Mom laughs a little, turning back to the chicken, "Tu sais si Jules était là il aurait déjà choisi ta robe de mariée," You know if Jules was here he would have already chosen your wedding dress.
"Ne mêle pas Jules à ça," Don't bring Jules into this, I shake my head, continuing to cut the tomato in front of me. Mom turns back to the chicken in silence, and just as I think she's given up and is letting it go, she sighs loudly and turns to me. I don't even have to turn my head to know she's looking at me with disappointment.
"Tu ne peux pas le cacher et l'oublier," You can't just hide him away and forget him, she sighs.
"Je ne suis pas," I'm not, I say immediately, "Je ne veux pas que la relation entre Charles et moi tourne autour de Jules," I don't want the relationship between Charles and me to revolve around Jules, I turn to her and I watch as she purses her lips before grabbing a towel from the stove and using it to aggressively dry her hands with it.
"Il vous aimait tous les deux plus que tout, en parler de temps en temps ne vous fera pas de mal," He loved you both more than anything, bringing it up once in a while won't hurt you, she mutters, now refusing to look at me. My chest is heavier and I feel this pit in my stomach growing. She turns back to the food without another word.
I watch her for a moment, but without looking at me she motions at me to continue with the vegetables, so I slowly turn back to them. I don't want her to think that I don't care about Jules, because he was on my mind all throughout the start of Charles and I. He is always there in the back of my mind. But I can't let him be a part of this, because all it does is make my mind spiral.
"Je l'ai embrassé d'abord, à Alassio, et on n'est allés à Venise ensemble que pour être loin de Pascale et Arthur," I kissed him first, in Alassio, and we only went to Venice together to be away from Pascale and Arthur, I admit, talking carefully in case she's changed her mind about hearing the story, "Nous voulions passer du temps seuls. Nous essayions de comprendre les choses avant que ça ne devienne bizarre et que les gens commencent à le découvrir," We wanted to spend time alone. We were trying to figure things out before it got weird and people started to find out, she turns her head to look at me but my eyes are dead set on the vegetables. "J'ai failli lui dire que je ne pouvais pas le faire, car j'avais peur qu'Arthur trouve ça bizarre... ou que Jules n'approuve pas." I almost told him that I couldn't do it, because I was afraid that Arthur would find it weird... or that Jules would not approve.
"Ma louloute," She sighs, turning around to look at me again.
"J'ai fait un rêve où Jules est entré dans ma chambre," I had a dream where Jules walked into my room, I continue before she gives me some stupid speech and I fall off track, "Il m'a dit qu'il voulait que je donne une chance à Charles parce qu'il ne pouvait penser à personne de mieux pour moi," He told me he wanted me to give Charles a chance because he couldn't think of anyone better for me, I continue and let out a light chuckle and I see my mom smiling in the corner of my eye, "Alors je lui ai donné une chance. Mais je sais que ce n'était qu'un rêve, et je ne saurai jamais si Jules serait d'accord avec ça, donc je ne veux pas l'impliquer parce que j'ai peur de recommencer à trop y penser," So I gave him a chance. But I know it was just a dream, and I'll never know if Jules would be okay with it, so I don't want to involve him because I'm afraid I'll start thinking about it too much again.
"Céline, je te promets," I promise you, mom says as she puts her soft hand on my shoulder, "Il n'aurait aucun problème avec ça," He would have no problem with it.
I knew she'd say that, but she knew Jules better than anyone. Just like Pascale knows her boys inside and out, my mom knew Jules just the same. Even though I don't like to admit it, I think she knows me the same too. She won't say anything, but she knows.
"Je pense que ce n'était qu'une question de temps pour vous deux," I think it was only a matter of time for you two, she says and focuses on the chicken again, putting them in the hot frying pan on the stove, "Vous vous connaissez si bien. Ça vient depuis que tu as emménagé là-bas," You know each other so well. It's been coming since you moved there, she continues, waving her hand around and I just scoff and focus on the vegetables, letting her go on her rant now that I've told her.
We set the table in the backyard. It's smaller than the one in Monaco. The sun is still high in the sky when we sit down for dinner. The table is placed under one of the apple trees to shield from the sun and they've put string lights in the tree to light up the garden when it's dark out. We eat together and dad asks about the season, how Pierre is feeling in Red Bull, they ask about Pierre and Evie, about Max and they ask about Lewis, Fernando, Seb and Daniel as they were close friends of Jules and I know my parents expect them to kind of look after me, which they are. Though Fernando isn't at the paddock right now, as he chose to retire at the end of last season, but I'd say the rest of them are doing quite a good job of just being there.
The next morning, my mom makes me set up the guest room with her, because she and Pascale have agreed that the same rules we have in Monaco should apply in Sweden. So he has his own room, when we're in each other's rooms the doors have to be open and we need to be in different rooms after eleven at night.
Even if Charles and I actually wanted to have sex, there's no way we could.
Then we all drove to the airport to pick him up as he was coming in from Austria. I tried to tell them that only one of them had to come, but they thought it would be rude as he's a guest and now also the boyfriend of their daughter. So I had to give up and just accept that they were both coming.
He came walking and smiled as soon as he saw us waiting. I walked up to meet him a few meters in front of my parents. He let go of his suitcase and wrapped his arms around me, pressing a kiss to my temple. When I let go, I tried to talk to prevent him from kissing me in front of my parents, as I think that might be a bit embarrassing. They've seen us grow up together and now they just get this bomb dropped on them and then without even easing into it. But he kisses me before I even get the chance to say anything.
"I miei genitori stanno cercando," My parents are looking, I tell him in Italian, making him look at me and then throw his head back to let out a laugh. He shakes his head and just walks past me to hug my parents.
They immediately start talking to him about the race yesterday, telling him that we watched it together at home and my mom immediately tells him how my dad stood up yelling and I looked like I was about to explode from nerves. Charles laughs and grabs his suitcase with one hand and wraps his other arm around me to pull me in closer to kiss the side of my head. It's all so casual and all the nerves I managed to build up on the way here, completely disappear.
"Tu devrais la voir quand elle est dans le garage," You should see her when she's in the garage, Charles jokes, making both my parents laugh, "Eh bien, au moins avant, maintenant, elle s'assoit généralement sur la terrasse avec les autres filles," Well, at least before, now she usually sits on the terrace with the other girls, he adds.
"Vous êtes-vous lié d'amitié avec les autres copines? Tu ne m'as pas dit," Did you make friends with the other girlfriends? You didn't tell me, mom says with a smile on her face. I don't know why she feels like I have to tell her about all the friends I make too, but I just shrug.
"Tu es assez proche d'Isa et de Carmen, n'est-ce pas?" You're pretty close to Isa and Carmen, aren't you? he asks as we start walking towards the exit. I nod to his question as I look around and see the looks on us. We're still in a public space, even though people here are a lot more reserved than a lot of other places, they can still recognize us.
When we get home, I show him the guest room he stayed in over Christmas and I inform him of the rules that are set here as well as home in Monaco. He scoffs and shakes his head, clearly thinking it's stupid. It kind of is, but I know better than to argue with them about it.
I help my mom with dinner while Charles gets caught up with my dad in the living room talking motorsport. When he gets free from my dad, he joins us in the kitchen, sitting down at the kitchen island, talking to my mother before offering to set the table. She's just smiling as she watches him carry the plates outside and place them around the table. Then she lets out a heavy breath and looks at me with that same smile before carrying the food outside.
We eat together and the four of us end up in the garden for two hours just talking. We catch them up on everything that's been going on lately and they tell us what they've been doing here, which isn't really much. They just work and go on their weekly dates. We tell them about our future plans, like going to Greece during the summer break.
We offer to help her with the dishes, but mom just tells us to go do something relaxing instead. So we go inside and change into pajamas before going to watch a movie or something in the living room. Might as well do it outside of my room so they won't worry or nag about him being in my room, or even worse, on my bed.
The first full day, we went for a walk. Sweden is a lot different in the summer than the winter, so we pass the same places we did when we were here for Christmas with Arthur, Pierre and Evie. I show him my school, which now doesn't look so bad because the sun is shining and the trees are green and everything is quiet and peaceful.
We went down to the lake that I said I'd take all of them swimming in, but when Charles took his shoes off and took a few steps into the water, he didn't seem to like that idea as much anymore. The little spot I had taken him to was surrounded by birches that let the sun just shine through the leaves slightly. The water looked blue and it was glimmering from the sun, and it reflected into his eyes. On the ground there were endless lupines, white, purple and pink. It was completely quiet besides from the water hitting the shore, the wind in the trees and the birds chirping away.
He looked beautiful and I had to take a picture just so I could remember and think back on the moment if I needed to. I got one nice picture, before he looked up with an uncomfortable expression from the cold water he was standing in. I kicked my shoes off and took a few steps in as well, proving that he was simply just overreacting. It's not Monaco heat and it's not the ocean, we're a lot further up north and it's a lot different.
We took the long way home, the one where we have to walk through a neighborhood I always loved to walk through in the summer. There are some hold, really Scandinavian looking villas painted in light yellow, red, light blue or sometimes green. Most of them have apple, cherry or plum trees growing in their gardens and sometimes there's a Swedish flag in their own flagpoles.
"Nous avons raté midsommar," We missed midsummer, I tell him as I watch one of the flags blowing in the wind. "C'était la semaine dernière, c'est vraiment amusant," It was last week, it's really fun, I smile as I think back on the midsummer I spent with Svea.
"Faudra revenir l'année prochaine," We will have to come back next year, he says, wrapping his arm around my shoulder to kiss the side of my head. I grab the hand that falls off my shoulder and we keep walking through the neighborhood. Occasionally we pass a group of kids playing outside and I think how nice it must be to be a child during summer in Sweden.
The second day, we spent time in the backyard by the not large, but very appreciated pool. It was super hot so we walked around in swimwear all day. Mom and Dad were at work all day but Mom had prepared salads for us to eat during the day even though I told her we could just cook something. But as soon as the house was empty, Charles was all over me, and I loved it.
I was tanning on the side of the pool with a book while Charles was on his phone. At one point he got a football out from somewhere and started kicking it around in the backyard, asking me to join him. When I didn't, he got sick of me and ripped the book out of my hand and picked me up to throw me into the pool.
Mom and Dad got home without us realizing and I've never wanted to drown myself as much as when they caught us making out in the pool. I heard the door slide open and then my mother snickering before I managed to push off of him. He tried to play it off, but I was too busy hating my life.
That night, we found the charm of sitting in the backyard as the sun had gone down, which was very late at night, usually by the time he's not allowed in my room anymore. So we grabbed sweaters and sat in the grass under the tree as the string lights lit it up.
During one of the evenings when spent under the tree, I told him about Elliòtt, and Charles was furious with him. He couldn't stop swearing about how much of a dick he was and he told me to just never dance with him again. He managed to convince me to go to Silverstone with him, because screw Elliòtt and what he thinks, and also because he wouldn't let me say no, because every time I tried to speak to tell him why I couldn't — he kissed me to shut me up.
We decided on what races I'd go to and we talked about getting me a manager to deal with the whole partner issue I have, also maybe hiring a PR manager for me that can work together with Mia, but I didn't want to talk about work so we ended up talking about Greece.
I took Charles to one of the bigger bathing spots around where I actually got him into the water even though he was complaining about how freezing it was. People ended up recognizing him, though, so I couldn't be close to him and I started worrying about how it was looking. I don't know why I thought it would be safe to bring him to a more crowded place. But after that we left to prevent more people coming up to him. The backyard was cozier anyway. So the days after were just spent there, either in the shade or in the sun to work on our tans, or simply in the pool, acting like children.
When my parents were off work, Mom packed us a picnic and we brought it with us on the boat Dad had bought. It's nowhere near the kind of boat Charles has. It's a motorboat, which is miniature compared to Charles' yacht at home, but the motorboat is charming, fits us all and we have the coziest day on the lake. Charles seems to be enjoying it a lot more than any of us and he takes millions of photos that I just assume end up in that scary ass group chat. But we jumped in from the boat and I'd lay in the back and read while he talked to my parents, or I'd try to show them that I've taught Charles how to dance, but the boat was a little too small.
The last night in Sweden, I stood in my room packing my bag, feeling a bit sad about leaving. Summers in Sweden are wonderful, summers in Sweden with Charles are even better. I love my parents, I didn't realize just how much I've missed them. I've been too busy to even think about them and now I regret it. I wish we could stay a little longer.
There's a knock on my door, and when I turn around my mom is peeking her head through the door before walking in. She sits down on my bed and helps me fold some clothes into my suitcase.
"Appeler plus, ma vie," Call more, she says, "Nous venons visiter plus tard cet été," We are coming to visit later this summer, she says and I nod.
"Je le ferai, je suis désolé d'avoir été mauvais pour appeler," I will, I'm sorry I was bad at calling, I say and I hear her snicker a little.
"Vous passez plus de temps dans votre tête que dans le monde réel," You spend more time in your head than in the real world, she says and I chuckle lightly, I guess she's true about that, which just proves that she probably knows me better than I'd like to admit. "Cela peut être une bénédiction et une malédiction. Ne laissez pas votre esprit gâcher une bonne chose," It can be a blessing and a curse, don't let your mind ruin a good thing.
"J'essaye," I'm trying, I say shortly, because I really am. I'm trying to close all the intrusive thoughts out and let myself enjoy every moment with Charles, and lately it's been easy, but in the beginning it was total hell. I'm growing more and more comfortable with him and it makes my head slow down more and more.
"Je sais," I know, she nods with a smile on her face, "Prenez soin les uns des autres," Take care of each other, she adds and I nod with a smile.
Of course we will. We always do. Not just Charles and I — all of us. We all look out for each other in a way that I already know is special. You can't find people who care about each other quite like the way we do and I know I'm lucky.
I'm lucky to have that kind of love.
//
What a f-ing dream to spend summer in Sweden istg-