Towards the end of February, Charles took Lucie with him to go to Barcelona for the pre-season testing. For the first time in the Ferrari clothes, in his Ferrari car. He showed off his shirt as soon as he got it. He'd have to go to Maranello for photographs and other preparation for the season as well. Arthur signed into the ADAC Formula 4 championship, but he had to practice for the season. I took one weekend off and went with him to Kerpen in Germany where his team is based.
He introduced me to his teammates Théo, Alessandro and Roman. They were between 2-4 years younger than us but we could hang out whenever they weren't all practicing. They did some media together and I got to watch them take their pictures as a team and individually. Arthur looked horrible, but I'd never tell him that. They told him to pose ridiculously in an attempt to make it look dramatic.
I went home after that weekend to get back into my routines of dancing and exercising. Evie went with Max to pre-season testing, probably to make sure her brother didn't kill her boyfriend, since Pierre had gotten himself a seat in Red Bull for 2019. I saw on social media how Charles walked in everyday with Lucie, holding her hand or an arm around her shoulders. I wouldn't be able to stand being there and seeing all of that right in front of me.
They came back home for a week before the start of the season. Charles was exercising everyday to keep his shape up for the season. He had to think about what he was eating and we stayed on the same diet to make it easier for the both of us.
There was a competition I wanted to sign up for in Italy, March 16th, but Charles practically begged me to join his mum and Arthur for his first race of the season. It was difficult to say no when it was his first race of his first season with Ferrari. So I agreed to fly all the way to Melbourne to attend his race. But I told him that he'd have to be the one to chase any snakes or spiders out of my room if they found a way inside.
Charles picked us up at the airport after a long ass flight and I felt like I wanted to strangle every single person around me. It was so humid and I was dressed in a hoodie and sweatpants because I had completely forgotten about the fact that winter at home is summer down here. He drove us to the hotel the rest of them were staying at, he told me where Evie's room was and then helped me carry my suitcase inside while Arthur helped their mother.
"Si je vois une seule araignée, je rentre directement à la maison," If I see one single spider, I'm going straight home, I told him as he stood up from putting the suitcase on the floor for me. He laughed and shook his head before turning to look at me, still smiling with his totally gross and ugly dimples, that I never notice anymore by the way.
"Merci d'être venu, je sais que tu voulais participer à ce concours," Thank you for coming, I know you wanted to be in that competition, he said sincerely. I shrugged and looked away, anywhere but right at him.
"C'est bien, il n'y a qu'une seule première course Ferrari," It's fine, there's only one first Ferrari race. Maybe I shouldn't have reminded him of the fact that he was about to drive his first race for Ferrari because his face lit up. His eyes almost twinkled and those dimples got even more evident.
Charles was Sebastian's teammate for the season and I loved it. Wherever Charles was, Seb was too. Well, it went the other way too, wherever Seb was, so was Charles. If I wanted to stay away from Charles then I had to stay away from Seb too and I was not too happy about that. So when Charles went to do media, I joined him only to meet Seb. But I was keeping as much distance from Charles as I could just for my own mental state. I asked him to drive us to the less used entrance of the paddock to avoid the big mass of people and he agreed to.
We found Seb, who acted as happy to see me as I was happy to see him. I asked him about his wedding planning and his kids. They were three and four years old and I remember them both being born. He showed me pictures he took of them over the winter and it's crazy seeing them as toddlers instead of big lumps of skin with a pair of eyes.
After that I went to find Evie. I found her watching Pierre and Max in an interview with a pained expression on her face. They seemed so awkward together and I guess I understood why. When I came up to Evie she put her forehead to my shoulder and shook her head.
"This season is going to be pure hell," She told me and I laughed at her.
"They probably just have to ease into it," I shrugged in an attempt to make her feel better, but from the looks of it I had my doubts.
We left them there and went to find Daniel. It was his homerace, so he was quite popular this weekend. He was happy to see us both there and ordered us both to cheer for him extra loudly this weekend. I told him that I would be cheering from the Ferrari terrace. He looked happier in the new colors after leaving Red Bull.
Carlos had new colors as well, walking around in his orange Mclaren cap. He introduced us to his new teammate, Lando, who I had met earlier due to Charles and him knowing each other a bit. There were a bunch of new faces on the paddock, some of which we recognized from earlier years.
Friday, we go to watch FP1- and 2. I greet Mattia again and Arthur and I go to sit in the box. I guess there are some new colors for me too. For the first practice session, Charles went third quickest and I couldn't help but be happy for him. I was hitting Arthur's arms and pinching him in excitement whenever Charles set a new record. I couldn't stop smiling when he came back to the garage and he came up to me to do our handshake.
The second practice session, he only went ninth fastest and it was clear that it bummed him out. I had to remind him that he had a competitive car that season. He would actually be racing up against Mercedes and Red Bull, not these other midfield teams. He went to change and we went back to the hotel.
Evie and I went with Daniel and Nico around the city. Daniel was going to show his new teammate his old school, where he grew up and things like that and they let us tag along. We got to meet Daniel's parents again. We were also introduced to his sister and his nephew. He showed us his school, the race track where he had practiced as a kid and also where he got beat up for the first time.
Charles qualified in P5 and started in third row on race day. He thought he'd be able to do better since he'd done so well in the practice sessions, but he was happy about being that high, compared to the places he got last season.
Seb's wife and kids were there for the race and I got to sit with one of his daughters in my lap. I kept her entertained when she got bored of the race and it also got the cameras out of my face, because they weren't allowed to film Seb's kids. Ferrari had invited some Australian celebrity to their garage who came up to greet us all in the box. I didn't recognize him but he looked fancy. I put it on my to-do list to tell Mattia to invite Chris Hemsworth next time.
Charles finished in P5 as well, scoring points for his first race with Ferrari and he was happy that he got such a good result. He would get better in time.
After the race we went to the hotel and I prepared to go home to Monaco with Pascale and Charles the day after. His next race was two weeks later and he wanted to get a few days at home and he'd have to practice in the simulator before flying to Bahrain. Evie came over to my room and sat on my bed watching me pack while complaining about the fact that I was going back and hadn't even planned when I'd be going to another race. I tried telling her that I was dancing now and she just scoffed and sighed. There was a knock on the door and I told Evie to not open it and let whoever it was just think that I had gone out. She, of course, didn't listen and opened it for Charles and let him in.
"Could I talk to you?" Charles asked me and I turned to look at Evie who scoffed and sat down on the bed, clearly not going anywhere. I looked back up at Charles who still stared at Evie, waiting for her to leave.
"Why am I not allowed to hear it?" Evie finally asked and Charles blinked, raised his eyebrows and then turned back to me.
"A quand ton prochain concours?" When's your next competition? he asked and Evie threw herself backwards on the bed and groaned in annoyance. Charles gave her a sarcastic smile and she gave him the finger.
"Je ne sais pas, je ne me suis inscrit à aucun," I don't know, I haven't signed up for any, I replied to him and shook my head. He nodded and then looked back at Evie who was looking at him expectedly, waiting to hear what he was talking to me about.
"Bahreïn est dans deux semaines, si tu veux venir," Bahrain is in two weeks, if you'd like to come, he said and I was close to sighing but stopped myself right before I did. Of course I wanted to be there for him and support him, especially now that his career keeps getting better and better. Seeing him excited and hopeful makes me so happy, but I can't walk around feeling guilty about getting butterflies when he smiles or can't stop smiling when he wants to spend time with me. He has a girlfriend and it feels wrong of me.
When I hesitated for a moment he shrugged and turned to Evie who was glaring angrily at him. He motioned towards her.
"Evie would like you to be there," he said, just so conveniently switching to English.
"Elle a Pierre," She has Pierre, I replied while folding a shirt into the suitcase.
"What?" Evie asked, "Would like her to be where?"
"Bahrain," he answered and she turned to me excitedly. She had just complained about me not planning to be at any races anytime soon, so when he said that she almost flew off the bed and came up to me.
"I'd love for you to be in Bahrain," She said, "Charles would love it too."
I looked over at Charles who had a smug smirk on his face and shrugged. He had trapped me into going by using Evie's cuteness. If he wanted me there, he could've just said so. I probably would've tried to get out of it, but at least I would only have to turn him down, not sweet Evie. So I agreed to go to Bahrain.
When I got home, I got a call from one of my coach asking me to come to the studio. When I got there they introduced me to a guy I had seen in some practices who needed a partner for a few upcoming competitions in different ballroom categories. We did a few practices together and I decided to do it. We practiced everyday for the competition and I thought I'd use it as an excuse to not fly to Bahrain. But when I told Pascale about telling Charles that I'd have to cancel she gave me a disapproving look. She never gave me that look about anything, so that gave me anxiety. She told me I could practice everyday until the Thursday and pick it up again on the Tuesday. She argued that I wouldn't meet him for at least a month after that.
I'd been longer without seeing him and it was just fine even when I wanted to see him.
She told me that it was my choice, but that he'd be disappointed if I didn't show. He loved having family and friends there. He's always been the type of person that won't consider it a success unless he gets to share it with someone. She had work and couldn't go, Arthur was getting closer to the start of his season and Lorenzo was there with him. It didn't feel that much like my choice anymore. I realized that I just had to pack my bags and go there anyway.
So I flew to Bahrain and I tried to act like the best friend I had always been to him. He picked me up and I hugged him, but not longer than any other best friend would. I didn't even glance at his dimples and when he told a joke I laughed while looking away from him. I spent most of my time with Evie who was trying to make sure that Pierre and Max were getting along. They were doing fine even though it was quite awkward at times.
I sat down to watch Seb and Charles doing a song challenge for the Ferrari Youtube channel. Charles mentioned Lucie, well... he mentioned his girlfriend who is Lucie and I was once again reminded of the fact that I spent more time with him than she did and it felt wrong. She didn't even worry about it, which made it feel worse. She trusted that I was only his lifelong best friend and here I am, for some stupid reason, wishing I was in her shoes.
Sometimes I let my thoughts trail away to what life would be like if I didn't grow up with him. Would I feel better? Would I have had a chance?
The race weekend started. I came in with Charles everyday and spent them with Evie on the Ferrari terrace, gossiping. We weren't feeling like causing trouble this early in the season. They're way too careful about their stuff when everything is new so we'd just get in a lot more trouble. It's better to do it towards the middle of the season when they're not too careful about their new stuff and they're not stressed because of the results.
We split up when it was time for the boys to get in the cars. Charles and I did our handshake before he got in the car. I told him to wipe the floor with the other drivers and he made sure he did. He was quickest for the first and third practice, second fastest for the second practice session and he got his first pole position.
I had never been as tense in the box as I had been on Saturday during qualifying. He kept beating his own and everyone else's times over and over. When it was final that he would start in P1 for the race, I let go of a deep breath and put my forehead to the table while I listened to him celebrate in the headphones. When I had gathered myself, I took them off and walked over to meet him as he got out of the car. He got out of it and waved happily to the crowds before he saw me. He jogged over and hugged me so tightly I nearly fell over.
It was lovely watching him in his interviews that day, he was so excited and hopeful for the race. The other drivers were so supportive and made sure to congratulate him. They'd come over to tell me that he'd done and I nodded with a smile on my face because I had no words to describe just how proud of him I was.
The day of the race I was more nervous than him. Evie noticed and tried to make me calm down. I barely left his side before he got into the car. I even watched him warm up just because I was too nervous to do anything else. We did our handshake and I told him to drive carefully and to give his all. He got into the car. I went to sit in the box. I put the headphones on and before I knew it those lights went out and they were racing.
It was hard to watch and it felt like it went on forever. They just wouldn't finish the damn race. I closed my eyes a few times and I refused to watch it. I heard his voice in the headphones when he spoke to the engineer. I was sweating and I think it was Seb's mother sitting next to me who kept rubbing my back in support. We spoke a bit but I didn't catch who she was.
He was doing great, he was leading and we were getting our hopes up that his first podium could be a win. But the hearts of everyone in the garage dropped when they heard Charles saying there was something wrong with the engine and he was losing pace. Lewis passed him and then Valtteri passed him. Max was closing in, but Nico and Daniel both went off track and caused a safety car that let the race finish behind it, which gave him his first podium. He finished in P3 but everyone agreed he should've finished in P1. Afterwards I even heard Lewis on his radio, heart warmingly talking about Charles being unlucky with the engine. He raced so well until the problem.
His first podium should've been a happy one, he should've been happy to finish on the podium, but when something like that happens it's hard to keep the mood up I guess.
The mechanics let me get through them to the front, right at the barrier as Charles parked his car. He got out of the car and Lewis was right there to congratulate him and try to cheer him up. He came up to me and I hugged him tightly. He tried to look happy but I could see he was faking it. Of course he was disappointed. Something to cheer him up was the driver of the day that he won.
Still, Evie and I made sure to yell louder than ever before to cheer him up when he was on the podium. I FaceTimed Arthur and made sure he got to be a part of it even though it was in the middle of the night for him, he had stayed up to watch the race.
Monday morning Charles drove me to the airport. I let him talk about the race and just rant about it. He'd get his win, he had proven that he was more than able to do it. I told him that it was probably going to happen sooner rather than later but he seemed to brush it off. He followed me through the airport even though I told him it really wasn't necessary. I was about to pass through security when we stopped and I prepared to say goodbye to him.
"Savez-vous quand vous serez à une autre course?" Do you know when you'll be at another race? he asked as I hugged him. I shook my head with a light shrug.
"Probablement Monaco, je ne peux plus voyager autant," Probably Monaco, I can't travel as much anymore, I told him. His eyes widened a little because the race was two months away. Then the shock melted into disappointment. "Écoutez, j'ai signé avec un partenaire et nous travaillons très dur pour être prêts pour une série de compétitions," Listen, I signed with a partner and we are working very hard to be ready for a series of competitions.
"Tu es tellement absent ces jours-ci," You're away so much nowadays, he said quietly while looking down at his feet. I blinked and my eyebrows went up as I looked at him. I took a step back and scoffed a little.
"Dit qui? Toi?" Says who? You? I asked, because it's quite ironic that the man spending his year all over the world is saying that to me, who had gone to France to compete thus far. The other competitions were all in Europe, so I didn't want to believe that he had the audacity.
"Tu sais ce que je veux dire," You know what I mean, he replied as he saw the irony in what he'd said, "C'est mon travail, je dois," It's my job, I have to.
"Et la danse pourrait être mon travail, mais je dois travailler pour ça," And dancing could be my job, but I have to work for it, I argued and my tone was making me sound more upset than I think I was. "Quoi? Penses-tu que je veux vivre ma vie en te suivant partout ? Va demander à ta copine de faire ça." What? You think I'm going to spend my life following you everywhere? Go ask your girlfriend to do that.
Charles shook his head at me and I became nearly horrified at how upset I seemed to be. Was I really that upset with him or did it seem like I was overreacting about something tiny? I wanted to just walk away and pretend like I hadn't said what I had just said.
"Je ne te demande pas de venir avec moi pour moi, je te demande de venir avec moi parce que tu semblais apprécier ça. Parce que tu as adoré être là et traîner avec Evie et voir tous ces endroits incroyables," I'm not asking you to come with me for me, I'm asking you to come with me because you seemed to enjoy it. Because you loved being there and hanging out with Evie and seeing all those amazing places, he began raising his voice and I realized he had gotten upset. But as I realized he was implying he didn't care if I was there or not began stinging in my chest.
"Peu importe que j'y sois ou pas, peu importe que je n'aille pas jusqu'à Monaco non plus," If you don't care whether I'm there or not then it shouldn't matter that I'm not going before Monaco, I said, a lot more frustrated than I had been before. I shrugged at him and he shook his head, which stung even more.
"Bon alors c'est réglé," Alright then it's settled, he said shortly at me. I rolled my eyes before simply turning around and leaving him behind me without another word.
I felt every little butterfly that had lived in my body just die and disperse.