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Aj POV
There's a difference between planning to do something and then actually doing it.
I felt confident about my plan to break up with Zyier the whole drive here. I knew that this is something I wanted and needed to do. But the sick feeling I'm feeling now while actually standing on his doorstep is fucking my head up. Cus I know I have no choice but to do this. And I can't pretend like I ain't clearly make my choice already. And all that's left to do now is to be honest, but that's so hard. And wrong. Wrong as fuck. And selfish. I can't argue pretend like I ain't the one doing wrong here.
As I linger on Zyier's steps, I look behind me at Raheems car. He's been asking me the whole time if I was sure about this and whether or not I'm feeling pressured to break up with Zyier. I told him no, but the truth is that I do feel pressured obviously. Not by him really, but by myself. My feelings are getting too real and too intense obviously, and all that's in the back of my head is the fact that nothing about them feelings is innocent.
I look back at the door. I can stand here and contemplate all day, but it don't change the fact that when I was just looking back at Raheems car, I wanted nothing more than to just be in there with him. So, I take a deep breath in and knock at the door. I knocked type soft, giving myself a option to back out in case he ain't hear it and don't open the door. But, not even five seconds later, I hear him yell "who is it?"
I shift on my feet, "Me."
"Who the fuck is me?"
"Aj."
It goes silent for a second, then the door immediately swings open. Zyier is wearing basketball shorts, a white t shirt, and a smile.
"You came at the right time cus my siblings just went to bed," he laughs. I lick my lips anxiously and don't move a muscle. Fuck. I don't know if I can do this.
"Nigga come inside. My mother isn't here yet. She won't be back till like 5 in the morning," he says, stepping back, waiting for me to walk through the door. I was gonna stay out here the whole time, but to stall, I step inside.
Zyier closes the door behind us, then grabs my hand, "Finally have you to myself. Did your lil friend leave?" He asks.
I clear my throat, "Uh...nah."
"Weird ass nigga. I can't believe he kidnapped you," Zyier twists his expression, "What y'all even go do?"
I know the best thing for me to do right now is to just come out and say it. Be honest with what we was doing, and then tell him how I been feeling for the past few months. But standing here looking at him, knowing he's been the only one that been there for me regardless of how difficult I could be, I feel bad. I feel like I can't do it. Like, ain't this selfish of me? I'm the one in the wrong here. Zyier ain't cheat. He ain't pretend he had a friend who wasn't more then a friend. He ain't kiss a nigga twice on me. He ain't sit in the back of that same niggas car and tell him how different he makes him feel. He ain't lie, then pretend like he don't know what the fuck is going on. He ain't do none of that. That was me.
Even though I feel all those ways, I know I'll only be more wrong if I keep lying to him only to turn around and do the same thing.
"You okay? Look like you boutta throw up," Zyier raises his eyebrow, staring at me with concern and confusion. I nod stiffly. Come on nigga. Just say it.
"Aj. If he really tried to set you up or some shit let me know now cus—"
"Nah," I cut him off. Cus I know he'll start going on a rant about how he doesn't trust Raheem and that's not the route I'm tryna go down. "Nah...that's not—that didn't happen."
"So what did y'all go do? Cus the minute I asked the question you looking scary like...tell me what's wrong. Something else? With your parents?"
"No..."
"You tired? Like, what is it. And don't lie. Cus now you making me scared," he laughs humorlessly. Aight. I can do it.
"Nah..." I glance off to the side. I have to do it. We're face to face, standing in the middle of his living room, and the conversation led to him asking me what's wrong. So, I have no choice. I do. But. Man, let me just get on with it. "Zyier I gotta talk to you." I say quickly. My heart is beating so fucking fast bro. I can't do this.
"I don't like the way you said that," he frowns, "nigga don't tell me you moving out the country now."
"No. It got nothing to do with moving. Or my parents. None of that..."
"So what it gotta do with?" He asks. Okay. Here I go.
"Us."
Zyier cocks his head back, scrunching one side of his face up. He clearly wasn't expecting that response. "Us? What about us?"
"Um..." What's the right way to say this? I don't wanna be with you anymore? I'm breaking up with you? We can't be together no more? I take a deep breath in. "Bout our relationship," I say.
"Okay. What about it? You breaking up with me?" He laughs.
I don't respond. The smile that was on his face drops. "You breaking up with me?" He asks seriously this time.
Can't back out now. Only thing that could save me is acting like this whole thing was a joke. But he knows I don't play like that. "Uh—" I look away from his eyes, "Yeah."
Zyier goes quiet. Then he chuckles, "You joking right?"
I shake my head, "Nah." I say shakily.
"No, you're joking."
"I'm not Zy—"
"I don't know what got to your head but you not breaking up with me—is you fucking stupid?"
"N—"
"No like are you actually out your mind?" He laughs, "For what? What you breaking up with me for Aj?" He rants. I feel like I can't get a word in. I don't even know if I got words myself to put in. I don't know if I should actually tell him why or if I should just leave it at this and then go.
"I—"
"Cus you getting me fucking tight—"
"Yo, let me speak Zyier. I'm tryna talk to you," I finally say. I can't even get a second to think before he giving his next come back. I want to make sure that he understands that I am serious and this isn't like any of the times we argued and then didn't talk for a while. I already said the words, so I have to go through with it completely.
"Okay Aj, talk to me then. Why the fuck you go out with your friend for hours on end then come back and wanna break up with me out the blue? That nigga got to your head just cus we got tension now you taking his side? What is it? It's cus me and your sister got into it? Tell me why," he crosses his arms, staring at me with glossy eyes. I can't.
"Its just...I don't think...I don't think we w—working no mo—"
"Aj. You not breaking up with me. I hope you know that."
"I am Zyier," I stress. I just want him to accept it.
"I don't care nigga you not leaving me. Since when we not working? We been working for months, ain't had a issue for a minute. What the fuck ain't working? The fact that I don't get along with your friend? Is that it?"
"No..."
Zyier narrows his eyes at me. I know I'm not being clear, but I don't like the fact that I'm seeing the tears bout to fall out his eyes. If I tell him the reason, I don't know how he'll react. Negatively obviously, but I already have him damn near crying and I don't want to make him cry no more than he already is.
"Aj. Tell me what the fuck you got going on cus I'm not doing this hush hush shit. You saying you breaking up with me, tell me why. Now."
"I can't," I mistakenly say, speaking out loud.
"You can't, but you could show up and leave me with no explanation right?"
"Nah Zy—"
"Just tell me why so I know if I gotta fix it! The fuck bro. Just say why," he exclaims, getting more red, and more irritated. I can't blame him. If I was in his shoes, I would feel the same way. I shoulda thought this through. I went into this not knowing how or what I was gonna tell him. Now I'm stuck in a situation where I don't know what the fuck to say.
I look into Zyier's eyes, noticing that his eyes is holding back more tears and are redder than they were before. This ain't right bro. But like I said it's not right knowing I got feelings for somebody else. I need to come clean.
"Uh—" I start, looking away from his stare, "I—" I lick my lips nervously, holding back tears of my own that I got the nerve to even have. "I'm breaking up with you cus I...I been having feelings for somebody else. And I don't wanna keep lying to you and pretending like I don't. And I been feeling this way for a couple months. And it's nothing you did but...I just—I never felt like this and I knew it was serious when I was feeling certain things and...I just don't want you to me mixed up with my shit cus I already went too far..." I rant under my breath. Damn, I said it. And I can't take it back. Zyier is silent, staring behind me and blinking fast.
"So..." he scratches the back of his head, "So that was a date I interrupted huh?" He asks, biting at his cheek.
"No—"
"Is it him? Is your friend who you have feelings for? Huh? Same friend you tried to make me seem crazy for?"
"Z—"
"Yes or no bro," he mumbles, voice cracking. "Just tell me."
"Zyier..."
He looks away from the wall and at me now, looking me in my eyes and waiting for an answer. At this point, what's the purpose in saying no.
"...Yeah," I look down.
Zyier nods, laughing to himself. "Oh wow. Okay. Wow. And what you mean when you say you went too far Aj? You fucked him?"
"No, I didn't," I reply quickly.
"You kissed him?"
I go silent.
"So what, you kissed him and you felt them gay ass sparks fly huh? Nigga you're embarrassing as fuck," he frowns at me, "You really embarrassing." Finally, a tear falls from his eye. "Like wow. After everything I done for you? After all the shit I sat there and stood by cus you needed somebody? And this how you treat me nigga? You cheating on me with somebody you swore up and down was just a friend? While I'm tryna push my feelings aside and just let you be even though I knew some shit was up the moment you even said you made friends. Cus now look," he wipes his eyes.
I don't know what else to say in the us moment besides, "I'm sorry..."
"No you not fucking sorry. You—oh my god," he turns his back to me, keeping two hands over his eyes, "Aj. Text that nigga and end whatever y'all got going on. Now."
I shift on my feet. I don't understand why he worried about me ending whatever is going on with me and Raheem instead of worried about the fact that I cheated on him. I thought he woulda just added onto the fact that he wants nothing to do with me no more.
"I invested too much time into you for you to think you could just leave me cus you chose to fuck up. Imma deal with you, but for right now—is that him outside?" He asks, looking out the window with tear filled eyes. I look through the window behind me at his car that's parked in the front, and nod. "Tell him to leave. Now."
I sigh. I didn't want to repeat this again, but I feel like I have to cus Zyier is taking this in a different direction than I thought he would. "Zyier...I'm breaking up with you cus I know I can't stop feeling how I feel..."
"Aj," he holds the bridge of his nose, "Imma say it one more time before I smack the fuck outta you. You not breaking up with me. Go tell that boy to leave."
I stand in front of him silently, not knowing what to do at this point. He lets a couple seconds go pass, and then all of a sudden he picks up one of the decorations on the living room table, and throws it at me. If I ain't move out the way at the right time, it woulda got my head.
"Yo!" I exclaim, keeping my arm in front of my face in case he try to throw something again. Had it been any other day, I would've definitely been throw something back. But I know I have to think about how he feels in this situation. And if Im feeling bad and nervous about all this, I can only imagine how he feels. If I'm holding tears that I have no business crying back, I could only imagine what he's trying to hold back. I have no place to get mad that he wanna hurt me.
"Yo what nigga? Yo—" he throws another decoration at me. "Yo what?!" This time it actually hits me in my chest. And I can claim that I'm understanding all I want. But I can't pretend like that ain't get me tight. So much so that I have to stop myself when I realize I'm taking steps towards him that would've ended in me escalating the situation. "Aj I can't fucking believe you. You can't even end what the fuck you been lying about this whole time? You can't even do that?!"
"Cus ion wanna end it Zyier, that's why I—" I exhale, "I been feeling like this for a while...I shoulda told you sooner but I ain't want you to—"
"No you ain't fucking tell me cus you ain't want me to know. You wanted me to look stupid. You wanted me to trust you so you could go do some fuck shit in peace. Cus other than that what's the reason?"
"Because I knew it was wrong..." I explain.
"What's wrong is you lying to me but still coming to me when you need me. It's been months since you met him Aj. And that whole time you was burdening me with your shit when I coulda been out here spending my time on another nigga."
"I don't burden you with my shit Zyier, you choose to make it your problem," I argue, now getting overwhelmed with all the times Zyier has been the one to bring up my issues. I think my brain is tryna find a way to make Zyier wrong, or at least to take some of the blame from myself. Cus besides feeling how I do about Raheem, our relationship wasn't perfect.
"I chose to have to be your fucking therapist instead of a boyfriend?!" He exclaims. I never looked at Zyier as having to be no therapist. I know I'm a lot, and I know I carry a lot of problems with me, but I feel like he's not being fair with that. He just did it earlier today too when out of nowhere he chose to bring up my papa and how I'm to blame for him losing his kids.
"Nigga there was never time for you to be my boyfriend cus you always wanna bring up my issues that got nothing to do with you. You don't wanna do shit with me but talk about how I'm a bad son no matter where we at or what we doin—"
"Because you bring it up! You come to me with all your problems! You ain't got no personality but being a boring ass nigga and bad ass son so what the fuck else I'm suppose to talk about? You make it your business to be a fucked up person and now you blaming me?"
"Zyier you only wanna talk about my problems bro. The whole time we together—"
"So tell me what else you wanted to talk about then. Since you got all these ideas, tell me what you wanted to talk about. What is it, you feel different cus that boy know how to change the subject cus he not burdened with your shit yet? And then when he finds out you abusive as fuck, selfish as fuck, and narcissistic as fuck, then what?"
I lick my lips, "I don't need somebody who burdened with my shit then...and I appreciate the way you been there for me but I'm not—I be in my head and I feel like I'm not happy. I'm not happy at all but I be forgetting that now...and I never felt like that."
The sound of footsteps coming down the stairs grabs both our attention. Zyier's little brother and sister come down the steps in they pajamas, staring at me. Zyier wipes at his eyes quickly, then speaks to his siblings.
"Y'all go to bed!" He yells at them.
"Is that your boyfriend?" His little sister asks. Wrong question, wrong time.
"If ma comes back and finds you awake you getting your ass whooped. Both of yall go to bed now." He shouts. With that, the both of them turn around and go back upstairs. Once he's sure they're gone, he looks back at me with his arms crossed.
I was expecting for him to continue the argument, or comment on what I said before his siblings came down, but he doesn't. Instead, he says quietly, "Ion understand. I put up with so much...I been so loyal even when you was gone for five months...I'm there for you whenever you need me...all while you cheating on me," he says. "Swearing up and down that I had nothing to worry about. And you don't even wanna tell him to leave so we could figure it out..." he sighs, "So this is it?" He asks. I hesitate at first, but I nod. It is.
"Bet. You can leave."
I already knew I wasn't shit, but when he described it it like that I really heard it for what it is. I really am sorry, but I don't think my sorries hold any weight. So I'm not even gon bother. Imma just go. I don't know if this is the last time we'll hear from each other. And the idea that it might be is scary to me. Cus all I know is Zyier. He's been my only person for almost a year after I ain't never had nobody. But, I feel like we was going nowhere.
I turn around, and like he asked me to, begin to leave. "And when you lose that nigga the same way I'm losing you, don't come running back to me. Deadass," he finally says before slamming the front door behind me.
As I'm walking back to Raheems car, I can't even put into words how I'm feeling, or what I'm thinking. I don't know if I'm sad or some other weird feeling. I just can't believe I actually did that. I can't believe I broke up with Zyier. And I can't believe I told him that I been feeling the same nigga I swore I wasn't. Ain't nobody in this situation that asshole but me. I know Zyier can be a lot, but that was never a good reason for me to go head get involved with somebody else.
When I'm back in the passenger seat of Raheems car, he looks at me. "You good?" He asks.
I lick my lips. Then I nod, staring out the window.
"Want me to take you home?"
I nod again. Yeah. That's where I need to be.
It's a pretty silent drive back to my Uncle Tyler's house. The radio is on, and the window was down until it started to rain, so now it's just the sound of rain hitting the windows and the radio filling the car.
In the forty minutes it took to get to my Uncles house, I coulda been thinking. Or regretting. Or have some type of thought about how I feel. But my brain is on pause right now, besides the fact that I keep replaying me and Zyier's conversation in my head over and over again. Wondering if there's something else I should've said, or if I should've lied about the reasoning. Thinking about the fact that he still wanted to be with me after I said I was entertaining somebody else. Out of all the things he coulda said, that's something I least expected.
When we passed the gate, Raheem parks outside the front of uncles house. I can see him looking at me from the corner of my eye, so I look back at him to see if he got something to say. When we make eye contact, he finally says something.
"Did you break up with him?" He asks. I nod. "You okay?" He asks for the second time. I nod. He nods too in understanding. "Aight...you could tell me how you feeling but I wanna make sure you know that you ain't gotta rush into nothing if you not ready right now. I know you need time. So."
I think about what he said. Do I need time? Probably. But I don't know if I want it. Raheems the main reason I even did it.
"Imma let you go inside though...And we could call it a night for right now," he continues. I feel like he's trying to react based off what my emotions are and because I guess I don't seem too 'happy', he's tryna stay chill about everything. But in real life, I know that nigga don't care. He's said multiple times that he don't give a fuck about how Zyier feels.
I look out the window, staring at the front door. "Nah...come inside. It's late," I say. I don't want to call it a night. I hope this ain't the start of me becoming dependent, but I don't want to be alone right now. Plus its mad late and it wouldn't make sense for Raheem to be driving all the way back to his family's house right now.
"Come inside?" He laughs quietly, "Is your uncle cool with that?"
I nod. Uncle Tyler obviously ain't strict. Plus he probably not even home. "Yeah."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. Come on." I ensure.
With that, he parks a couple feet away from the front door, and then follows me inside the house. I can tell that he's kind of reluctant but I get it. Soon as we get inside, I head straight for my room with him following close behind.
When we get inside my room, I close the door. I would lock it, but no one usually comes inside before knocking—unless Taleah feels like being annoying. But I'm not worried about that right now especially because it's late. She not gon be in the mood to bother me right now.
I sigh, then take a seat on a chair that's in the corner of the room. I throw my phone on the bed. I ain't check it once yet cus if Zyier sent me any messages I don't think right now is the time for me to read them.
After sitting around for couple seconds, I point the bathroom out to Raheem. I can tell he's tired from how low his eyes is. I woulda been got in the shower but imma let him go first. Plus I could use another shower in the house if I really wanted to. But Imma just wait. He been driving around all day so I know he ready to sleep.
I realize that he doesn't have nothing but his phone and leftovers with him, so I go in my drawer and pick out some clean clothes for him. I don't know how he likes to sleep, so I made sure to give him a t shirt, wife beater, shorts, sweats, socks, underwear, and a new toothbrush of course.
"Thank you," he laughs when I hand him the small pile of clothes, "What imma do with all this?"
"Options. Pick what you want. And it's towels and wash cloths in the bathroom," I say.
"Thank you. I just need these," he only picks out the wife beater, shorts, socks, and toothbrush. I nod, taking the the rest and putting it back in my drawer. Raheem smiles at me then goes into the bathroom, and closes the door behind him. Once I hear the shower water running, I know that it's safe for me to zone out
The number one question I have about all this is for myself. I don't understand how I'm able to feel bad and be the wrong one in this whole thing but still willingly fucking with Raheem. I ain't wanna say it like this, but I'm happy that I could finally be with him and have less guilt about it. I feel like I'm supposed to be regretting my decision right now or feel ashamed about it, but I don't feel none of that. Like I said, most I feel is bad. And I can acknowledge that I'm the wrong one. And that Zyier ain't deserve that. But there's nothing I could do about how I feel about Raheem.
I just hope it's all worth it. I'm not delusional. I know the chances of Raheem and I knowing each other forever is low. We not even officially together right now. But if we ever get to that point, he probably find somebody that don't got as many problems as I do one day. Or maybe, I don't know, I'll push him away with my flaws. Whatever it is. But I hope for a while that all this overthinking was worth it. And I don't mean that in a way where I'd regret leaving Zyier, but in a way where I might regret having this drama surrounding my life. I mean for right now it's cool, cus it just happened and it's been quiet. I ain't get no texts or nothing. I just hope it can stay like that.
Raheem is out the bathroom in bout thirty minutes, dressed and still looking mad tired. He ain't rest once since driving up here.
"Lay down," I tell him.
"I will. I'm waiting on you though," he says, sitting at the edge of my bed. With that, I grab some clothes from my drawer, and go take a shower. I'm done in bout thirty minutes too, dressed in something damn near identical to what Raheem got on. Raheem is still sitting on the edge of the bed too, on his phone, still looking tired as fuck.
"You copying with me," Raheem puts his phone down.
I frown. "How nigga it's my shit." I sit next to him.
"I had your shit on first. So that still means you copying me."
I kiss my teeth, brushing his wack ass explanation off. We sit in a comfortable silence for a while, but I can tell by the way he keeps looking at me, then looking away that he's bout to say something. Honestly, we don't even have to talk. We could just go to sleep. I know Raheem and I know he's gonna try to see if I wanna talk about what happened, but I really don't. At least I don't on a deeper level.
"Aj," he calls. I look at him. "You sure you okay?" See, I knew what he was thinking.
I lick my lips, staring off into the distance. "Yeah."
"That's a real yeah or you tryna avoid the topic?"
"Both."
Raheem nods. "If you wanna talk about it you know I'm gon listen. And like I said, for us...we don't gotta rush nothing if you not ready."
That makes me laugh. This the second time he's saying that. "I feel like you want me to say I'm ready." I say.
He smiles softly then shrugs, "It's not about what I'm waiting on."
"Nigga if I wasn't ready I wouldn't have done it." I say.
"I know. I just don't want you to feel no pressure..." he mumbles, licking his lips.
I look down at my hands that are folded in my lap and start to think, and ask myself the question of whether I'm ready or not. I know I wanna be around Raheem, but I'm thinking of titles. I'm asking myself if I'm ready to call Raheem my actual boyfriend on the same day I broke up with my last one. I look up from my hands and glance at Raheem, and it's like everytime I look at him the answer feels obvious. At this point it's a battle between doing what my heart wants to do and also tryna use logic and remind myself that getting into a relationship back to back is crazy.
Barely thinking about what I'm even doing, I grab Raheems face, pull him closer, and press my lips against his lips. I peck his lips once, watching him as his eyes close. I kiss him again, making sure to hold this one a little longer. We part, our faces being only a couple inches away from each other.
"I wanna be with you," I admit. Raheem smiles. But I got more to say, "But no titles right now...I just wanna make sure I got all my shit sorted out first." My heart is telling me to just jump into a relationship with Raheem, and make it official. But I want to make sure that everything between me and Zyier is settled first. I don't know if he gon come around and confront me again or whatever the case may be. So, I wanna put my focus on making sure the "coast is clear" and just continuing whatever it is that me and Raheem got going on right now, guilt free.
Raheem nods, "Long as you promise you mine," his eyes scan over my face. I can't help but laugh a little.
"Yeah I promise. You knew that though."
Raheem smirks, raising his eyebrow. He backs up from me a little. He bout to say some dumb shit. I always know. "I knew. Soon as you let me—"
"Stop yo," I cut him off. I already know where this is going.
He laughs hard. "If I knew that's all it took I woulda been—"
"Bro—"
"Nah, I woulda been grabbed that shit."
I kiss my teeth. I'm not even playing, "See how you dragged it?"
Raheem laughs, and when he sees I'm not laughing, he wraps his arm around my shoulders. I had plans on staying mad, but Raheem starts kissing my cheek over and over again, and I accidentally smile. I tried to hide it before he saw, but I swear all he does is watch me. I can't get away with shit. "Fake ass attitude," he mumbles against my cheek.
"Ion care cus it's not happening again," I say. That was the first and last time something like that will ever happen. I don't know what got over me. Ghosts or something.
"So why it happened to begin with?" Raheem asks, amused.
I shrug, "Ion know. I was confused."
"Oh you was confused?"
"Yeah. I thought I was dreaming or something," I lie, making Raheem laugh again. I don't give a fuck. All I can do now is stand my ground and act like that shit never happened. I don't care what Raheem thinks he did or thinks he saw. If I said it didn't happen, it didn't happen.
Raheems laughter dies down to a small smile, then he lowers his head into the crook of my neck. "Aight," he mumbles.
We sit in a comfortable silence for a while till a question I been having, especially after today, comes to mind. I hope he's not sleeping yet cus he been a little too silent in my neck.
"Raheem."
"What." He respond. Aight good.
"Do you tell Ivy and Kyra bout us? That we kissed and shit...or anything else."
He moves his head from my neck, looking me in the eye. "No. Only thing they know is that we like each other. And that you ghosted me which is why Ivy tried to get me to talk to that one nigga."
I nod. It makes me feel better knowing that what we do or talk about is between us. Especially when it comes to more private shit. I'm a very private person, and it seems like Raheem is like that too for Ivy and Kyra to not even know that we kissed. Cus it's shit like what happened in his car that I wouldn't want nobody else to know. It's already embarrassing enough that he knows, and he's the one that did it.
"Everything we do is between me and you. Always. No matter what it is," he adds, laying his head on my shoulder now. With that, I think we could call it a night.
Raheem and I finally lay down side by side after a long day. We should be going straight to sleep, but we spend a little time kissing again. But that's it though, no extra shit. Maybe except for me testing the waters and kissing on his neck. And when we was too tired to continue, I ain't know whether to sleep close to him or not, but Raheem made his own decision to wrap his arm around me. I gotta step my game up now with him. I'm too timid with shit, that's why it's hard for me to make the first move. But I can't let him think he always making decisions for me, as easy and attractive as it might be. I'm only so pussy cus I was in a whole other relationship. But it's not gon be like that no more. That's why he knew he woulda got away with doing what he did in his car, but wait till I start applying pressure.
Raheem's the first to knock out, then I did a little after him. I was surprisingly having a good sleep, and good dreams until I'm suddenly being woken up out my sleep with the sun shining through, letting me know that it's morning already.
I don't have enough time to panic when I realize that not only am I being woken up, but it's not even Raheem who's waking me up. It's Taleah who's still in pajamas, tapping me mad hard and urgently. She's glancing over at Raheem who's in the bed with me but not saying nothing about it because she's obviously panicking about something else. The first thing that pops into my mind is papa.
"What happened?" I ask sitting up, tryna ignore the embarrassment I feel knowing that she sees Raheem in my bed and that I can't explain myself. Little do I know, that's gonna be the last thing I have to be embarrassed about in a second.
"Nigga go on instagram," she says.
"What you mean?" I ask, tryna think of what instagram gotta do with papa.
"Bro, just go," she stresses. So, I listen to her. I go to instagram. When I open the app, the first thing I see immediately makes my heart sinks to my stomach.
I see is a video of myself I never seen before posted by Zyier. It's video of us kissing in his bed while I was touching on him sexually. I remember when this happened, but I don't remember this video being taken. I was only aware of shit me and Zyier took together if he asked me. But this—I never seen this. And I don't even know why the fuck it's on Instagram.
With my hands shaking, I scroll to the next slide frantically. Oh my tucking god bro. It's a video of me kissing and sucking on his neck, and then hitting his camera down when I realize he's recording me. I remember that. He told me he deleted that shit off his phone. He swore up and down that he did. What the fuck.
The next slide is a mirror picture I knew existed of the both of us with Zyier hugging my side. I scroll to the next slide and it's a recording of me telling Zyier personal shit over the phone. So personal that I can't even watch the whole thing. When I said I was a private person, I meant that shit. The conversation we having mad suggestive and embarrassing and he just putting me out there like that when he knows if I'm private about anything, it's my sexuality. I can't fucking watch that. I scroll to the next post, tears clouding my vision and the rest is screenshots of some of our text messages, some where we was on good terms, and others when I told him about my friends and was nothing for him to worry about.
I try to look past the fact that this post alone got fifteen hundred likes already, and I focus on the caption. I can't make none of this shit up. From the first sentence, I'm ready to crawl in a hole and never come back out already.
Zyyierrr: soooo I been dating this nigga almost a whole year. woulda made a year next month. Ya might know him as tyler nephew or if u from Brooklyn from his parents. Whatever the case may be idc. or u don't know him at all. Anyways this nigga y'all see in these pictures is abusive, he's a liar, he's narcissistic, manipulative and a cheater & LIES about niggas being 'just a friend' then tries to make me look crazy. He fake DL and claim he never wanted people in his business. Just for him I been keeping our relationship private cus he so called "not out" but why should I care now. He showed up to MY doorstep saying he been messing w somebody else on me & he don't wanna be w me anymore bc the new nigga give him butterflies in his tummy 😂 like be fr. imma tag bothe them in this both him and that nigga from va who claim he straight but imma out that bitch cus idgaf bro. I put up with so much to be w this nigga. I look pass so much bs even after he punched me in the face. Always by his side when he felt like he had no one. Being a dumbass who loves hard. But clearly that wasn't enough. So since i don't owe him shit I'm bringing it to the place he says he hates the most. Aj if I was a fucked up person I coulda been exposing u for sooooo much shit rn. u lucky that phonecall when u was telling me why u prefer fucking boys over girls is the only one i posted cus i got more embarrassing shit. I got so much dirt on u bro. especially about the way u abuse everybody around u. But I'm not gon do that. Cus that was never my intentions when I took that shit it was suppose to be for us. But now Imma just embarrass tf outta u & show everybody what a bitch u are. 😂 all he ever did was complain about how feminine I was and how he like it when I wear boy clothes so he went and got himself a nigga that do. awww. Now u get a turn to be the bitch🥺 . anyways here's aj's page: @.ajjackjr and here's the nigga who sat across from me today pretending like he wasn't fcking my nigga @.raheemdidit . I'm off this though I got niggas lined up that I obviously been ignoring for no reason. Oh and imma tag his family too @.tylerking @.taleahalana @.cameronalonojackson now everybody in ur business 😘
I'm forgetting how to breath knowing that Taleah seen that, my uncle probably see it cus mad people tagging him, my papa probably see it, and Raheem gon see it as soon as he wakes up. And there's nothing I can do about it. Why the fuck would he do this. I never thought he would do something like this for everybody to see. I could see him going straight to Taleah, or my papa maybe. But on Instagram? Thousands of people? And I can't even defend myself. I can't try to prove him wrong. Cus I know what I did.
"Aj...what the fuck did you tell him? You told him about Raheem?"
I can't even answer her. She takes that as a yes.
"I don't care what you did, He needs to take this shit down tho. And I'm boutta message him cus if he don't take that shit down I got somebody that'll make him take that shit down—"
"Nah...stop." I stop her. No. I don't need her to try and get Zyier beat up.
"Stop for what? It's not even legal to post shit like that without consent bro I don't give a fuck what you did or what you said."
Suddenly, Raheem wakes up. When he sees Taleah, he sits up in confusion. And then he looks at me, and noticed my expression. "What's wrong?" He asks. Taleah hands him her phone which has the post open on Instagram.
As he's reading it, and as Taleah is staring at me waiting on me to say something, a message comes through my phone. The last person I would ever want to see something like that is texting me.
P: Hi sweetheart. Are you okay?? I'm using my phone for the first time in a while today and see that your boyfriend tagged me in something concerning. I don't care about what it entails. I just want to know that you are OK.
P: Me and daddy are coming home today. Please talk to someone if you're feeling nervous or panicked. The post won't be up for very long, I promise. I'll do everything in my power to make sure it's taken down. I love you so much. Drown out any noise and know that I will always support every decision you make. I don't care what it is. I only care about your happiness. I love you honey and I will see you in a few.
P: As a heads up, your daddy is very angry. I tried to keep it from him, but he grabbed my phone. If you need to lie to protect anyone, try to come up with them now. I don't want this to escalate and cause you more trouble. I tried to calm him down but I couldn't do much. Don't tell him I said this. I love you so much honey. See you soon.
I look up from the messages, staring at a blank wall ahead of me. All I want to do is disappear. One of my worse fears is my family being involved in shit I got going on. Especially on the level Zyier made it. And now, I don't know what to do. I'm even stuck when Raheem suddenly stands up, throws his clothes on, and starts leaving out the room, mumbling something under his breath.
I can't blame no one but myself. I can't pretend like I ain't deserve this, cus I did. I cheated on him. I'm wrong. I'm the fucked up one. Regardless. There's no excuse anyone can make for me. And I guess I deserved that.
Now I gotta try to come up with lies before my daddy ode on him. I gotta go stop Raheem from doing whatever it is he left the room to do. This what I get for 'following my heart.' I don't deserve to be happy and it's clear now. I get it. I'm done. I don't care no more.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Thoughts on...
Aj?
Zyier?
Raheem?
Other?
this chapter was supposed to be longer & have the triplets funeral, but it's been a while so i figured i'd just update it now and continue next chap. i hope you guys enjoyed (:
until next time 💓