Mile was in the shower. Apo laid on his back on their bed, gazing up at the ceiling. The Alpha had put Nolan to bed almost two hours ago. Apo was going over the therapy session they had today. He caressed his swollen stomach as he remembered.
****Mile had been taken to another room. That left Apo with Anna while Nolan sat against him on the big sofa, fussing with his Iron Man shirt.
"How are you feeling today?," The black haired Omega asked.
"Huge." He huffed a laugh caressing his stomach.
Anna smiled at him but waited. He knew she wanted more from him, but he didn't think he could talk about it. Nor did he really want to; however, he told himself he would try.
"I'm upset with myself." He mumbled.
"Why is that?," Anna asked, a frown on her brow.
"I feel like I'm always teetering on edge. That I am either going to fall over the edge and drown in all the emotions or I am going to just shut down because I cannot handle all of this." Apo didn't know how to feel.
He was so scared that Mile would hurt him again; he didn't want to give him the chance for that to happen. Nevertheless, he didn't want to completely shut down again. The Omega did not want to forget his pups. Trying to deal with all of his emotions and pregnancy hormones, left the Omega not knowing how to feel or which way was up.
"Talk to me Apo." Anna urged gently.
"Papa." Nolan tried to get to his feet and managed—at an odd angle—to touch his Papa's big stomach.
Apo caressed his pup's head, brushing Nolan's light brown hair from his forehead.
"I don't know what is happening to me. All I want to do is lay in bed and not move. I don't want to keep having to get up and do the things that need to be done, but I can't do that. I fight with myself all the time and it's exhausting. I don't know if I can keep this up." Apo quietly sobbed.
He didn't know what was happening to him. He didn't know why he felt this way. Apo just wanted it all to stop.
"Apo," Anna began. "Have you ever heard of depression?," The Omega shook his head.
"Depression is a mood disorder that causes persistent feelings of sadness and loss of interest. It affects how you feel, think, and behave. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have problems doing normal day–to –day activities, and sometimes you may feel as life is not worth living. Does that sound like what you are going through?," Anna explained.
"Yeah, it does." Apo mumbled. It explained so much.
"I feel all of that; but not the suicidal one." He was not suicidal.
"Feeling as life isn't worth living isn't only describing suicidal idealisation or attempts. It just means you do not have the energy to participate in life nor do you want to. Does that describe what you might be dealing with?," Anna prodded.
"Yes." Apo confessed. He did not want to die.
"How do I snap out of this?,"
"Depression is more than just having the blues and it isn't something that someone can 'snap out of'. It requires long term treatment." Anna continues.
"But don't get discouraged; most people feel better with a mixture medication and psychological counseling. I have a program that would be helpful if you would like to hear about it."
"Yes, please." Apo wanted help.
"It's called D.B.T." Anna told him.
"That stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It is a specific type of cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy. It was developed in the 1980s and since then has been used to help treat a wide range of mood and mental disorders. The theory behind this approach is that some people are prone to react in a more intense and out-of-the-ordinary manner toward certain emotional situations, primarily those found in romantic, family, and friend relationships. D.B.T theory suggests that some people's arousal levels in such situations can increase far more quickly than the average person's, attaining a higher level of emotional stimulation as their baseline arousal levels. D.B.T is designed to help those people control their emotional levels, so they can function better."
"The main two components of D.B.T are individual weekly psychotherapy sessions and weekly group therapy. Individual therapy is to emphasize problem-solving behavior for the past week's issues and troubles that arose in the person's life. We also go over quality of life issues and working toward improving life in general. By addressing previous traumas, we will be able to enhance your own self-respect and self-image. Group therapy sessions are where people learn skills from the different modules: mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, distress tolerance/reality acceptance skills, and emotion regulation. Do you have any questions? I know I have thrown a lot at you." Anna calmly asked.
"Umm..." Apo wondered, "What do each module teach and how often will I need to be here?,"
"Mindfulness is about how to be fully aware of what is happening in the present moment. It will teach you grounding skills and skills that will help you enjoy your life as it happens. Interpersonal effectiveness teaches you how to ask for what you want and say no while maintaining self-respect and relationships with others."
"Distress tolerance/reality acceptance skills will teach you how to handle distressful situations without making them worse and help you to accept your reality as what it is not as what you wish it to be. Finally, emotion regulation will give you the skills to understand what your emotions are, how they affect your body chemistry, and how to change your emotions if you wish to. You would have to be here 3 times a week in addition to your once a week visit with Mile. Apo I want to make something perfectly clear. You do not have to go through this program. It is strictly voluntary. That being said I believe that this can help you not only with your depression but also with how you see yourself, and your relationship with your Alpha. If you decide to do this, I want to warn you. This program will be extremely difficult and it will challenge you to step out of yourself. It will shake your fundamental beliefs. It's not easy, but from the results I have witnessed, it's worth it." Anna finished.
"I—" Did he want to do it? He wanted to get better but this sounded hard; but Apo knew he didn't want to stay where he was. He needed help to get out of all of this.
"Yes, I'll do it."
"Good!," Anna exclaimed, "How about we schedule your D.B.T on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays. Along with our individual session being on Mondays as well. Friday will be when you come with Mile. Does that sound good for you?,"
"Yes," Apo agreed. Apo nuzzled Nolan repeatedly as silent tears slid down his face. Nolan's little hands grabbed his face and the pup frowned, seeing his Papa was sad.
"Papa cwy." His pup was to damn adorable. Apo's heart swelled as his pup said 'cry'. The cutie was still unable to pronounce his 'r's.
"I'm ok baby," The Omega assured his pup and blew a raspberry into his neck, making the little one go into a fit of giggles.
"It's going to get better, Apo." Anna reassured. Apo looked at her, light brown eyes running over with far too many emotions: fear, hope, anger, and love.
"Apo, you'll never forget what has happened; it will always be with you, but , you don't have to hold onto it anymore. You can let yourself start over with your Alpha and growing family. We are going to get you there." Anna added.
Apo knew she was right. He wanted that happily ever after he had always dreamed of and he knew he could have that with Mile. He wanted that with Mile. But, he still felt anger and fear towards the Alpha. Smelling Mile's guilt all the time did not help his wolf get over what happened. It felt like a constant reminder.
"Now, I have some more questions about your fight with Mile if that is okay with you. I know this has been an emotional session thus far." Anna asked gently.
"Ok," Apo assured her.
"Mile obviously feels guilty, he stinks of it. However, there is hurt too. When you two had your 'fight' when you snapped out of your bubble, where you able to release your anger? Your hurt? How he had made you feel?," Anna prodded.
"Yes," Apo informed her.
"Do you believe your words could have hurt him? Was there some part of you that wanted him to hurt?," Anna questioned.
'You do not get to be near me. I was fine before you forced yourself into my life. I wish I had never met you. I hate you!,' He had hurt Mile.
Even with all the horrible words Anita had said to him and Mile calling him a whore, it did not compare to how he would feel if Mile had told him he 'hated' him. Maybe that was why he did it. Maybe on some level he wanted to hurt his Alpha just as he was hurting.
"I said horrible things to him.," Apo admitted.
He did not feel comfortable telling the Therapist what he had said nor the reasons why he said it. Anna nodded.
"Maybe the two of you could address that; alone at home and calmly let each other come clean. It does not have to be all at once, but small steps. If you feel he needs to know something, no matter how irrelevant you think it is, tell him. I promise you, your Alpha wants to know."
"Dada!," Nolan chirped, his big brown eyes looking around the room.
They had settled on the door that Mile was on the other side of.
"Where's Dada? Huh? Where's Dada Nolan?," Apo murmured to his pup. Nolan pointed at the door.
"Dada!," Nolan announced. Apo smiled at his pup, Nolan was so smart and precious. It hurt him to think about what he did to his son. He had this constant worry he would do it again. He had to stop being so scared. His wolf knew Mile was remorseful for what had happened; all the while, his instincts were pushing him to be closer to Mile. Apo wanted to mend their relationship, but it would take time. He hoped this new therapy would help him get there. He knew he needed to be honest with Mile – and himself – but being honest made him face the emotions that he could not deal with.
"Just remember, you don't have to do it now. This is a long road ahead of you. However, it is not just your journey. Both you and Mile are on this journey. As a couple the two of you will find peace together. " Anna reminded him.**** **
Mile stepped out of the bathroom with a towel around his hips. While watching him towel dry his hair, the Alpha went to his dresser and took out a clean pair of black sleeping pants. He watched his Alpha's moves as his broad back muscles flexed. When Mile dropped his towel and slid on his pants while continuing to dry his hair, he gave Apo a great view of his ass.
"Mile?," The Omega quietly questioned.The Alpha spun around. Mile had been sure the Omega was asleep.
"I'm sorry did I wake you?," Mile asked. He threw his two towels across the room and into the hamper while coming closer towards the bed.
"I was awake." Apo informed him, his light brown eyes looking up at Mile.
"Do you need anything?," The Alpha asked gently. He loved that Apo was not looking at him with fear in those eyes Mile loved. Although there was uncertainty.
"New feet, they are killing me." Mile snorted at his Omega's half-teasing tone. He wanted to jump up and down at the lightness he felt in the room.
The Alpha looked at his mate's socked feet on the bed. They did look a bit swollen. Without any hesitation, he gently lifted the Omega's feet as he sat down on the edge of the bed. He placed Apo's feet onto his lap and looked up at the beauty.
"Is this ok?," Mile asked softly. He carefully pulled off his mate's socks and started to massage his aching feet. Apo nodded.
"Yes." Watching his Alpha kneading his feet in his big hands, strong fingers working gently yet firmly, soothing the pain. Apo closed his eyes and relaxed into the bed. He was surrounded by their blended scents. The Omega sighed contently as Mile's hands worked magic on his feet and ankles.
"Thank you." Mile just smiled, happily massaging his Omega's feet. He did not rush; he was in no hurry to stop touching his mate. Instead, he focused on making sure each foot and ankle had the equal amount of attention. A good thirty minutes had passed since Mile had started the massage.
Apo had nice feet, soft and neat with cute perfect toes. The Omega had not moved and looked to be asleep. Carefully and ever so slowly, not to wake his Mate, Mile gently slid from the bed, and placed his Omega's feet down, before covering his pregnant form with the blanket. When Mile looked up, he found Apo looking up at him.
"Hey, I hope that helped. Do you want me to keep going?," Mile offered voice low and whispered.
"I don't hate you," Apo confessed to him. The Omega watched as the Alpha's eyes fluttered and tears filled his midnight eyes.
"I never hated you." Apo repeated. Mile swallowed and nodded. He could not find his voice as his heart raced. The Alpha's heart swelled and his wolf kneaded. He had not realized how much he had needed to hear that from Apo. The heavy weight he had been carrying lifted from his heart and shoulders.
"I was angry and hurt. It was how I thought I felt at the time, but I don't hate you Mile. I only said it partly because I knew it would hurt you. I'm sorry that I said it. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I never meant it." Apo clarified.
The Therapist had said whatever he felt Mile needed to know, he should say. He was trying to get better and in a way be a better person. Apo's wolf mewled, elated with some of the darkness lifting from him. He needed to accept what had happened; this was a step in the right direction.
"Come to bed." The Omega suggested as he turned to his side carefully. Mile wiped his face and went around to his side the bed. Wordlessly, he turned off the lights, made sure the pup monitor was on, and slid into the covers.
The Alpha scooted closer to his mate; Apo had let him hold him on most nights. He didn't want to hesitate in his actions towards his Omega; yet, he didn't want to upset the small balance and his small victory by just assuming he could either.
Apo could feel his Alpha hovering, wanting to hold him. He turned to look at Mile over his shoulder, red eyes bright in the dark room.
"Alpha?," The Omega whispered his voice soft with a hint ofneed. Mile closed the distance between them, spooning his Omega while wrapping his arms around him contently.
His nose buried against the nape of Apo's neck where his soft hair tickles his nose were. Apo leaned into Mile's warmth and relaxed his body as he drifted asleep. They could do this, one-step at a time they would find their way back to themselves.
***
Mile slammed the receiver of his phone down. Damn Street snitches! They were always happy to tattle tell on criminals but too afraid to testify against them. It irritated Mile; this was why perps that needed to be put away were running free.
The door to his office swung open to reveal Ping poking his head in, along with the loud rowdiness of the bullpen.
"You need to see this Mile." The Alpha urged.Mile frowned. He made his way around his desk as he followed Mile out of the office.
Ping stood with his arms crossed over his chest as he nodded to Mile to look towards their Supervisor's office.
Cahn's office was across the bullpen towards the entrance to the back offices. Two of its walls were all glass with blinds Chan always kept them open unless necessary, giving the old Alpha a view over the bullpen and the officers had a view into his office.
Chan was standing in his office talking with a tall Alpha in a dark blue suit.
"Isn't that Mario?," Ping pointed out.
What was that Alpha doing here? Mile was furious! His adrenaline started to pulse throughout his body. They watched Chan showing Mario out of his office and Mile's eyes followed the lawyer as he left the bullpen.
Chan was looking directly at Mile. He motioned for him to get his butt in his office. Mile looked over at Ping who shrugged. The skinnier Alpha was just as confused as he was before heading to his Supervisor's office.
Mile closed the door behind him and spun on his Supervisor.
"What the hell did he want?," Chan arched a brow and took a step towards Mile.
"You wanna tell me why that Defense Attorney was in here asking questions about you and Anita?,"
"What did he want to know?," Mile quickly retorted.
"Asked about your track record and was looking for Anita. Now why the hell would he come in here, ballsy and arrogant, asking about two of my officers?," Chan insisted.
"He's my Omega's first pup's father." Mile growled out, his teeth grinding.
He did not like Mario poking his nose into his work place. Chan's eyebrows shot up.
"Is that who your sister used the SMPA resources to find?,"
"Yes," Mile responded.
"Then you might have a problem. From the questions, he was asking about you, I think he is building a case against you and your Omega. I think he wants to file for solecustody."
"WHAT!," Horrid panic hit Mile like a Mac truck. Mile's heart threatened to beat out of his chest.
"I have to go." He didn't wait for an answer from his Supervisor.
***
"Is that yummy? Yeah?," Apo smiled at his pup while feeding him mashed turnip and potatoes.
He was ecstatic Nolan loved vegetables. They were in the kitchen, Nolan in his high chair taking another bite of food his Papa feed him as the front door busted open.
"Sweetheart!," Mile's voice boomed throughout the house.
"In the kitchen!," Apo yelled back as he fed Nolan another bite.
"Such a good boy." He cooed at the pup who sported a happy smile.
Mile came rushing into the kitchen, dressed in his uniform, which still did things to the Omega who promptly kept his eyes on Nolan.
"What's wrong?," The big Alpha took a deep breath as he made his way to kiss Nolan on his forehead, gaining a big smile from the pup.
"Dada!,"
"Hey buddy." Mile kissed the pup again and turned to Apo.
"Apo, I have to ask you something, I didn't want to bring this up like this but I don't think I have much time." The panic and urgency was transparent in Mile's voice. It forced Apo to looked up at him wide eyed.
"What's going on? What's wrong? You're scaring me." The Omega threw out question after question.
"How would you feel about me legally adopting Nolan?," Mile responded with a question.
"What?," Apo was confused.
"I wanted to bring this up later, after we were better. I love Nolan," Mile took a breath and looked at his Omega's beautiful face.
Apo was glowing from being with pup, and it only amplified his beauty to Mile. Those impossibly beautiful light brown eyes were looking at him; they were filled with confusion but there was happiness there, he could see it.
"I love you and our unborn pup. I don't want to let anyone try to ruin our family. Not when we are trying to grow together." Mile dared admit.Bearing his heart was not easy, he felt vulnerable and he knew it was still early between them but he couldn't let Mario take Nolan.
Apo's eyes fluttered he had no idea how to respond. A sudden rush of feelings ran through him. Tears filled his eyes. Apo didn't know how to begin to process what Mile had told him. He wasn't ready for Mile to tell him that he loved him. He wasn't sure if he was even ready to hear it.
"Mario was at the precinct, asking my Supervisor about me. We think he wants to file for sole custody of Nolan," Mile went on when it was clear the Omega was having inner conflict.
Nolan's father. Mario wanted to take his baby away. Apo's eyes looked at Nolan who was dipping his binky into the mashed turnip and potatoes plastic bowl in front of him. Nolan was his whole world, NO. He was trying to get better. This could not be his punishment for being closed off with his pup. He needed Nolan. The Omega's expressive eyes looked back up at his Alpha.
"D—Don't let him take my baby Mile. Please Mile, I need Nolan." He cried as his tears escaped his lashes and spilled down his cheeks.
"I won't, I swear it." Mile pulled the Omega into his arms, relieved when his mate went willingly and held him tightly.
Mile looked over at his pup. Nolan was his son, and he would not let anyone take him away. Nolan looked up at his parents, showing them his food covered binky, sporting a proud smile.
"Papa! Dada! Luv! Yum!,"
***