"Panda will play wit' me today, right?" I grinned, lifting my panda plushie high into the air. His cute face seemed to smile at me as usual. "You're so silky, Panda!"
Panda has been with me the longest. I made sure to keep him extra safe from lots of Mama's rages. Papa holds her back, but sometimes he lets loose, too. I understand why. I'm not exactly normal. At least my big sister, Charlie, comes home to play with me a few times a week. Although she hasn't come lately.
"Emil, darling, what are you up to?" asked Mama, coming over to kiss my head.
I grinned up at her. "Panda is gonna play wit' me today, Mama. He's so soft. Feel him?"
Mama reached out and gently stroked my best friend. "Oh, he is very soft. Charlie got him for you, right?"
"Yes, Mama." I smiled happily, kissing her cheek when she crouched down. "I love you."
Her breath hitched and she cupped my cheeks. "You're such a good boy, my little Emil. Someday, someone is going to love you as much as your mama, papa, and sister do."
"Maybe even more?" I asked with a broad grin.
She ruffled my hair, making me pout. Her smile broadened. "Definitely more, my little boy."
I beamed. "Thank you."
"You're welcome." replied Mama, then slowly rose to her feet. "Now, what do you want for lunch?"
"T-tomato soup, please." I whispered shyly, kind of hoping she would offer that melted cheese sandwich again.
"Aw, your new favorite, huh? All right. Would you like a grilled cheese sandwich to go with it?"
I nodded quickly. "Yes, please!"
"What a good boy. Stay here and play with Panda while I make lunch. Papa will come by in a few minutes to check in on you."
"Mmkay, Mama." I beamed, hugging Panda to my chest.
She glanced back with a soft expression in her eyes and left the room. The door was always left open in case something happened. Oh, and Papa loves me like crazy, I think, because sometimes he won't even let me sit on my own chair.
I played with Panda's ears, stroking his soft ears and face. I shifted on my knees, spreading my legs wider as I sat back to get comfortable. I cuddled Panda to my chest and giggled, twisting my body back and forth.
"Emil?"
My eyes looked up to meet Papa's happy gaze. "Papa, you're here!" I exclaimed, reaching out to him with one arm.
"Of course I am, my little boy. I adore seeing your cute face." he cooed, cupping my cheeks as he took a seat on my bed. "I see you have Panda today."
"Yup, 'cause he promised he would play wit' me." I grinned, rubbing noses with my papa. "I love you, Papa."
His breath hitched like Mama's did earlier, then he hugged me and kissed my head. "My little boy, you are so precious."
Why do they never say it back?
"Papa, do you love me?"
He paused and my smile dropped. Papa was quick to reassure me that I was loved a lot while he kissed my forehead. I was fine with that. They did love me. I knew it.
"May I play with you and Panda?" asked Papa, so my cheeriness returned.
Papa and I played with Panda until Mama called for me. I placed Panda on my pillow and Papa picked me up, carrying me downstairs and into the kitchen where Mama was just cutting my grilled cheese into quarters.
"Crust or no crust today?"
"Crust, please." I responded happily, kissing Mama's cheek when Papa stopped to do the same. They both look happy today.
Papa smiled brighter when I kissed his cheek. "Emil, someone is coming over for dinner tonight. Do you think you can be a grownup by then?"
I clutched onto his shoulders. "I-I'll try, Papa."
"As long as you try, that's all that matters." Mama smiled, stroking my cheek.
"Is Charlie coming, too?"
"Yes, she's bringing him over."
"O-oh," I mumbled.
Papa kissed my head. "We just want to impress him since Charlie is really happy."
"Is he her boyfriend?" I asked, pouting into Papa's shoulder. No wonder she doesn't visit much now.
"We think so. She hasn't specifically stated that, though."
"I'll do my best to make you both proud of me." I smiled, although I actually feel very scared. I haven't been an adult in ages. I'm probably gonna mess up, so Mama and Papa are gonna be super mad.
Mama and Papa cooed and kissed my cheeks. "Good boy."
Papa took a seat and set me down on his lap, as I expected, and Mama clipped the bib around my neck. She set the heavy bowl in front of me and the paper plate with my sandwich next to it. They had some kind of stew for lunch. Papa gave me my usual plastic spoon and prepared a napkin.
I carefully started eating since I didn't want to make a mess. I felt so bad when I did that a few days ago. Mama looked so defeated. That expression made my chest hurt.
"Is it good?" asked Mama, and I nodded with my lips closed.
She smiled and looked at Papa, who patted my head while I ate. Papa's soothing touches made me feel sleepy even before I could finish my food. My head rolled to the side and I jerked awake, making Papa chuckle.
"All right, it's time for a nap. Come on, my little boy. Let's get you cleaned up."
"A-am I messy, Papa?" I asked sleepily, my head rolling again.
"Just a little bit. Up we go."
I felt myself being lifted and turned around. Mama stood and patted my hair, then sat down again and continued eating. Her happy hums were nice to hear. Papa carried my sleepy self back upstairs and into the bathroom, where he set my butt onto the countertop. I rested my head on the wall, letting my heavy eyelids fall again.
"My little boy is so sleepy." Papa chuckled, cleaning my face with a warm, damp washcloth. "Do you want me to tuck you in?"
"Mmhm..." I nodded, forcing my eyelids to open. "Yes, please."
Papa kissed my cheeks while he cleaned my hands. "You're such a good little boy."
I beamed and said, "Love you."
He smiled and shut off the light, picking me up again. I snuggled into his arms with a happy grin. Papa took me to my room and set my butt on the bed, helping me lay down with Panda. He tucked the covers around my body and kissed my cheeks, rubbing our noses together. I giggled and kissed his cheek in return.
"Nighty-night, Papa."
"Sleep well, Emil." he said softly, petting my hair. "I'll come wake you up later."
"Thank you."
Papa left and I rolled over, hugging Panda to my chest. I went over what I learned before I went to sleep.
I have to be an adult later. Charlie has a boyfriend and she's bringing him to meet us for dinner. I have to stay as an adult and not make Mama and Papa upset. I can't scare away Charlie's boyfriend because of my littleness.
__________________________
"Emil, she's about to arrive! Are you ready?"
"Yes, Mom!" I called back, rubbing my face while briefly looking at myself in the guest bathroom mirror.
I had chosen my adult clothes, which I hadn't worn in almost a year. They were a bit loose. I guess I lost some weight. They're also the opposite of what I normally wear.
In little-space, I always wear pastel colors and I really liked light gray. Outside of little-space, I have to wear colors that help me stay out of it. Darker colors keep me in my adult mind, unless something triggers my little self to come out. I hope nothing bad happens. I can already feel myself regressing into my childlike mind just being near my room.
Instead of letting that happen, I hurried out of the bathroom and quickly made my way downstairs. My mom was just tidying up the living room as my sneakers touched the floor. She hustled over to me and fixed my collar, buttoning my shirt to make me look tidier like the rest of the house.
But Mom smiled at me and patted my shoulder. "You look nice, Emil."
I glanced down at my jeans and button-down plaid shirt, then looked at her semi-formal dress. "You look almost too nice, Mom."
She lightly slapped my shoulder. "Oh, hush."
I laughed awkwardly and rubbed the spot she'd slapped. While doing so, Dad emerged from the dining room and hooked an arm around my shoulders. "You look great, son."
"You too, Dad." I smiled, gently nudging his side with my elbow. He was wearing something similar to me.
A knock was heard, so I rushed into the foyer. I unlocked and opened the door, then found myself being enveloped by a familiar pair of arms.
"Emmy!" squealed Charlie, hugging my neck. "I missed you!"
I froze at my nickname. I could feel my little self bubbling up, but I pressed the lid down. "I missed you too, Charlie. I was surprised to hear you were bringing someone over."
She stiffened and let go of me. Her gaze dropped to my clothing. "Oh, I guess Mom and Dad didn't want my friend to meet your other self." she whispered sadly.
I shook my head, biting my lip for a moment before replying, "It's okay, Charlie. I'll be okay."
"Emil, you're being rude! Let Charlie bring her friend inside!"
I jerked from Mom's sharp tone. Charlie gently rubbed my back and stepped aside with me. She peered around the door and said something, then the largest man I had ever seen stepped inside. He actually had to duck under the doorway. He was tall, broad-shouldered, had a narrower waist, and thick muscles rippling over his body, but not so much that he was like a scary bodybuilder. For obvious reasons, I feel like a twig just standing near him.
My line of sight darted to Mom's and Dad's faces. They had frozen in shock.
Charlie shut the door behind her friend, then she smiled brightly at us. "This is Denver. Denver Charleston."
"Two cities?" asked Dad, then snapped his mouth shut when Mom glared at him.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Charleston. My husband was just surprised. My name is Charlize Robertson."
Denver held out his hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Robertson. Please, call me Denver."
His voice made me shiver, but not in a bad way. It felt so good going in and out of my ears. I bit my tongue when I realized what I had just thought about. I can't already be crushing on my big sister's boyfriend! I'm the worst. My bottom lip trembled and I clenched my jaw, desperately trying not to cry. Charlie was going to be so mad at me.
"Emil? Emil, what's wrong?" asked Charlie.
I couldn't look at her. I'm the worst brother ever.
"Emmy, baby, look at me." gently ordered Charlie, but I couldn't bring myself to do as told. She cupped my cheeks and turned my head. "Why are you about to cry?"
My teeth dug into my tongue and I shook my head, wiping my eyes. Charlie sighed softly while she hugged my shoulders, then gently tousled my hair. She moved back and showed me a warm, happy smile.
"Come on, I want you to meet Denver. You'll really like him, I promise."
I bit back my whimper. I already kind of like him.
"O-okay." I answered quietly, but mentally cursed myself.
Charlie led me over to Denver, who was talking with our parents. The giant man turned and I finally saw his pretty eyes. They were the lightest blue I had ever seen. My heart fluttered a bit as his lips curled into a smile.
"Is this the baby brother I've heard so much about?" he asked with a chuckle, the deep rumble permeating the air.
I wanted to melt into my little self. My body began to shake from holding myself back. Charlie stared at me with concern.
"Introduce yourself!" ordered Mom, and I flinched as I teetered on the line between adult and little.
My lips parted and I weakly stuttered, "M-my n-name is E-Emil, s-sir."
The left side of his lips twitched. "It's nice to meet you, Emil. How young are you?"
My breath caught. Had Charlie told him?
"He's twenty-two." answered Dad, but Denver looked displeased.
Charlie appeared to be giddy from the tension in the room, which was really unusual. Mom sighed and offered Denver a drink, but he declined all choices except water. I followed her into the kitchen, twiddling my thumbs until Denver moved into the living room with Dad. Charlie had gone upstairs to use the bathroom.
I grunted when Mom suddenly grabbed the collar of my shirt. She angrily growled, "I told you to behave, you stupid bitch."
Tears rose to my eyes. "I-I'm sorry. He's just intimidating, Mom."
She slammed my back against the pantry door, the knob hitting my lower back. I bit back my yelp of pain.
"Don't fucking do that again!" she hissed. "Are you trying to embarrass me? Huh?"
"N-no, Mom, I-I'm sorry! It w-won't happen again." I whimpered. "I promise, Mama!"
I had slipped into little-space for a split second. When Mom realized, she gripped my throat under my collar and squeezed it so hard I felt my air getting cut off. I clutched at her hands, choking in her tight grip. Her eyes were filled with so much anger and disappointment. Seeing the latter hurt more than anything else.
"P-please, Ma—ugh—ma..." I gasped, my vision fading around the edges.
In a moment of clarity, she released my throat and I dropped to the floor, bursting into choked sobs as I inhaled precious air. Mom crouched down and I flinched, her breath hitching at the sight.
"I'm so sorry, Emil. I didn't mean it. I-I got so angry and I—!" She hugged me, her words now muffled into my shoulder. She cupped my head and peppered it with kisses.
I sank into her embrace. "It's okay, Mom, I understand. I'm a disgrace and a disappointment to this family."
"No, you're not—!"
I interrupted, "I am. I know I am, even if you never say it."
She quieted, then pressed her lips to my temple. My heart ached because she didn't deny it anymore. At least she loved me. She hadn't kicked my useless self out yet.
"What's taking so long, Char—?" Dad paused, then his eyes dropped to his wife curled around me. "Oh, Charlize..."
She let go of me and slowly got up onto her feet, stumbling into Dad's arms. He held her tightly and kissed her lips. I looked away and shakily stood up, then slipped out of the kitchen and into the dining room. Charlie startled me around the corner. Her fists were clenched as she stared at my throat. I covered it with one hand, an ashamed expression on my face because I knew she had overheard Mom's outburst.
"It's okay, Charlie. Mom and Dad love me. They just get upset sometimes with my uselessness."
She looked like she wanted to cry as she nibbled on her bottom lip. "Do you remember our promise?"
"Promise?"
Charlie's lighter green eyes met with my darker ones as she stepped closer and leaned down to whisper, "That I'd help you feel real love one day."
I tilted my head. "Real love?"
She took my hand and led me towards the living room. Denver was stroking the walls where my pictures were missing. Dad had broken them all in a fit of rage and he never replaced any. Instead, he showered me with affection because the "real thing" was right in his arms. I'm fine with that, honestly.
"Charlotte, why are there no pictures of Emil?"
She sniffled and he turned around, his line of sight dropping to our reddened eyes. His gaze dropped even lower to my throat, which I still kept covered with my right hand. His ice-blue eyes darkened with anger as he tensed, approaching us both faster than I expected. I shuddered, somewhat scared that he might hit me or do something else.
Instead, Charlie and I received a hug.
So, as you can see, this is a brand new story. I hope you read the warnings so that you're somewhat prepared for what you will see in this book.
And poor Emil! As you could probably tell, he's a little and age-regresses. But what is up with his parents? You will find out more as time goes on...
Also, it's quite hard trying to balance "little Emil" with readable writing. I didn't want to go off the deep end and write exactly how a child speaks because I find that hard to bear—both verbally and especially in writing. But you will continue to see a more childish way of talking inside and outside of the head of "little Emil."
See you next Saturday! I love you all very much, and I really hope you will enjoy this story. It's been literally years in the making. <3
- Alessa (Kelpie) xoxo
Posted: 9/3/2022
Word count: 2929