"Goodmorning New York City, what a lovely Autumn morning it is" the radio echos through the apartment. I make myself toast with butter. I have class in an hour. I leave early so I can walk today instead of getting the bus. The fresh autumn air tangles my hair, I let it.
It's been three months since I came back from Califnoria, I still miss her. I've been told she's been busy with work, I act like I don't want to know these things but really I do. I smoke a cigarette on the way to class, I've found it keeps me relaxed.
I told my mom about Lou, I could tell she was slightly dissapointed. She came to visit me for a couple of days, she was dissapointed in my smoking habit. Her of all people should understand.
I arrive to my lecture early, I decide to take a seat and wait for everyone else to arrive. I check my social media while I wait. Theres a big party happening at a club tonight we are all supposed to go to, I'm looking forward to it. Everyone starts to pile into the class room. Gemma sits next to me, we have became very close the past couple of months.
My phone buzzes in my pocket in the middle of class, I take a glance at it, its Jess asking if we are going to the club tonight. I text her back to tell her we are. Gemma is coming back to ours to get ready with us. It's 4pm, class is finally over. We link arms as we walk out towards my apartment. Jess is waiting for us there, we laugh about the past couple of nights we have spent at bars drinking. I light a cigarette on the way home.
"Those will kill you one day" she jokes
I shake my head "Everyone says that" I take a draw from it "it's a little bad habbit" I joke
She shakes her head "very bad habbit"
We discuss what we are wearing tonight, we buy a couple of bottles of wine on the way home for taking back.
"How have you been feeling?"
I shrug my shoulders "I don't know" I pause "I feel numb, it's a horrible feeling"
Her arms grips mine tighter "you have a lot of people around you who cares about you, remember that"
I smile at her "I know, its been a shitty phew months but that's life for you" I change the subject "anyway, I hope we have a good night...I'm glad we don't have any classes tomorrow"
She agrees.
We are greeted back at the apartment by Jess, she's already in the party spirit. She has music blaring and drinks are being poured. We drink glass after glass of wine and stumble around getting ready quickly to head out. We get to the club around 9pm, all three of us already pretty drunk. We order shots at the bar and quickly drink them. We all make our way over to the dance floor.
We all dance together, laughing at everyone's cheesy dance moves. The lazzors and lights flashing all over each others faces, Gemma catches my eyes. She's just standing there swaying slowly to music, her eyes are different...I've never noticed how brown they are. Her lips are asking me to kiss them, I place my hands on each side of her face and lean in forward to kiss her, she kisses me back. I pull away and laugh, her brown eyes brighten as she looks at me.
I get overwhelmed by sadness, I step back from her "im sorry...I can't do this" I walk away from her, I walk outside and stumble down the street. The cold air wraps around my body, making it cold. I find a bar close by that I stagger into, I sit at the bar and order a drink.
"Can I have a shot of Vodka please" I ask nicely
"Don't yĺou think you've had enough to drink, kid?" His head shaking
"I just need one more" I pout my lips "please"
He puts his hands up "Okay, one more"
He places a shot glass on the bar then pours the vodka in it, I hand him my money.
"Thank you" I say to him
My finger tips trace the rim of the glass "fuck it" I whisper to myself and take the shot, the vodka burns my throat on the way down.
I give the barman a small wave as I stagger out of the bar. When the air outside hits me I start to feel a lot more drunk than what I thought. I lean against the building as I rake through my bag for my ciggerettes, I find one and start smoking it. I carry on walking, finding a bar. I act as sober as I can so I get served. It works. I order vodka and redbull, drinking one after another until I can't see straight.
I stumble off the barstool, I stagger outside. Reaching for my bag again to get a ciggerette. I have texts from my friends on my phone asking where I am. I send them my location. I wonder away from the bar to light my ciggerette. A man approaches me, he asks if he can have one. I hand him one and lite it for him.
"Thank you" he says to me
"You're welcome" I look away from him thinking he'll wonder off but he doesn't.
"What are you up to tonight beautiful?"
"I'm about to go home" I say bluntly
"You are stunning" he gets closer to me.
I step back, put my ciggerette out and try to walk away but he grabs my arm. I look up at him, his eyes look angry for some reason.
"Let me go now" I pull my arm from him
"No need to be such a bitch" he shouts as I walk away
I turn to look at him as I walk away, I give him the middle finger. He looks more angry so I walk faster, I try to make my way back to the club where my friends are but I can't find it. I'm walking around the city lost.
I look back to the see the man still following me so I stumble into a club, hoping to loose him. I sit down at the bar hoping he will go away but he sits next to me.
"Why did you run off? He slurs his words
"Please leave me alone, I don't want to talk to you" I say firmly
His hand reaches over to grab mines, he holds it very tight. His other hand reaches around my shoulder and pulls me close to him.
"Get off" I shout but it makes his hold on me tighter.
"Don't be so fridged" he shouts back at me.
I manage to get the attention of the barman who can see I'm very uncomfortable.
"Excuse me mate, get off her before I call security over...Trust me you won't like that" he says to the man in an English accent.
"Leave me alone, she's with me" his hand let's go of my hand but he reaches down to my thigh.
The barman calls over security quickly "I did warn you" he winks at me "the owner is also coming over, she'll be down in a phew minutes"
I nod.
Security rush over and pull the man off me "watch it!!" He shouts at them. They move him over to an empty seat and stand towering over him so he doesn't go anywhere.
"Are you okay?" The barman asks me
"Yeah, thank you for that...he was such a creep"
"I know, let me get you a drink on the house"
He hands me a drink, its the last thing I need but I take it anyway.
"Thank you, you are very kind" I take a sip of my drink "what's this club called?"
As he tells me the name of the club I see a familure face walking through the crowed, its Lou. I am sat in one of Lou's night clubs, without even realising. I quickly stand up and attempt to walk away. She grabs my arm firmly.
"Hey..." her grip loosening "are you okay, what's happened sweetheart"
The sound of her voice sends chills through my body, I try not to look at her.
"Uhm..." I pause "the man over there with security was touching me, your barman helped me" I look over at him and smile "he's very nice"
"Where was he touching you, honey?" Her eyebrow rises
"All over my body, he followed me from another bar I was at" I look down at my feet awkwardly
"Don't worry, he won't be able to do that again" she nods at the two security men to take him away.
"You'll be sorry" he shouts as he's dragged past her
"Don't touch what's not yours again asswhole...no means no" she says back to him
They take him out a back door. I glance up at her when she's not looking, she doesn't seem to have the same confidence as what I remember, quickly looking away before she can see me looking.
"I'm sorry I never knew where I was" my words coming out slurred.
"Are you drunk? Why are you alone?" She asks me with a worried tone in her voice.
"I can't be here right now, I'm just going to go" I pick my bag up from my seat and hurry outside.
I can hear the sound of her heels clapping behind me as I try to walk away. I make it outside, she trys to place her hands on me but I flinch.
"Dont" I shake my head.
Her eyes search for mine "why?"
"What do you mean why, just don't touch me"
She nods.
I place a ciggerette between my lips and as I'm about to light it she grabs it from me.
"Why the hell are you smoking?"
"Because I'm an adult and can make my own decisions, why are you even still standing here" I say harshly
She throws the ciggerette on the wet pavement. I shake my head at her.
"How have you been, honey?" She asks
"I've been great, really great" I say sercasticly, I pull out my phone and send my friends my location again.
"We need to talk, I hav-"
"We don't have anything to talk about, you made it clear in califnoria, trust me"
Her eyes look sad as she looks at the ground "I have a lot of explaining to do, I have things I'm able to tell you now...I screwed up I know" she looks passed me at something.
I look over my shoulder, its my friends "Hey! Where the hell have you been?"
Jess realising it's Lou I'm standing talking to "Oh..." she pauses "will we come back later"
"No, I'm ready to go" I glance over at Gemma and reach out my hand for her to take "I'm sorry I ran away earlier" she takes my hand.
I can see Lou looking at both of us, her eyes look sad and all of a sudden blood shot. She nods her head. She gazes up at the dark skye then back at me "just please, hear me out..." her voice vulnerable and gentle.
I can't answer her, its like someone has stolen every word I know out of my mouth. The sad thing is I know I will let her explain what happened because if she asked me to go back to her I would, I would in a heart beat because I love this woman more than I have ever loved anything in my entire life. She's done more for me in the three months we were seeing eachother than people who have known me for years. I would let her destroy my life if it meant we would end up together.
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Author
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