'Say that again.'
There was a strange pain in my chest. My mind had gone blank. It was like everything faded away. I was only dimly aware of Cheryl leaning closer.
'I think he might be your father.'
'I... I don't - what makes you think that?'
'Well you... you look like him, Kimberley. He looks like you.'
I don't know what to say. Cheryl is looking increasingly concerned, sat next to me, her forehead creased in worry.
'That doesn't mean - I don't - I don't understand, why are you telling me this?' I stammer.
'I thought you'd want to know.'
'I don't get it... how did you bump into this guy?'
'He was at the clinic. He's recovering from cancer too... I haven't seen him in... nearly twenty one years.'
Cheryl slowly takes my free hand, watching me closely. I don't say anything for a good couple of minutes. But neither does my mum. I can hear her breathing, waiting.
'So you... you and him...'
'Yes. It was only once. Him and your Dad were friends but when he found out, they had a fight, they never spoke again, and we never saw him again.'
When I still fail to respond, she continues, 'When we saw each other today we went for a long lunch... he asked if I had any more children after Adam and I told him about you...'
'No.' I interrupt. 'No, please tell me you didn't...'
'I didn't say anything about what - what you found out since John died. He doesn't know what I think, I never shared that with him. I just wanted to tell you... and ask you if you'd want to find out.'
'I want nothing to do with him, or any other man you fcuked around with while you were married to Dad.' I say scathingly. Cheryl stares at me, still completely oblivious. 'Do what you like, but I don't want anything to do with him. This conversation is over.'
I hang up and throw the phone across to the other sofa, leaning back and folding my arms tightly.
'Babe... what just happened?' Cheryl murmurs.
'Mother dearest seems to think she's found my biological father.' I say sarcastically.
'What... what?!'
'She bumped into one of the many eligible bachelors she cheated on my Dad with before I was born, seems to think I'm his. Wants me to find out for sure.'
'Oh my God...'
'She said I look like him.' I whisper, staring into space.
Cheryl doesn't seem to know what to say at all.
'I don't get it.' She says slowly. 'She wants you to find out?'
'That's what it sounded like. She said she wanted me to know she'd reconnected with this guy and asked if I want to find out.' I lean forward, covering my face in my hands. 'I feel sick.'
Cheryl puts her hand on my back, leaning into me gently. 'And you don't want to do that?'
I don't answer. The word 'no' comes to my lips but it won't come out.
'Kimba... babe what if he is?'
'So what if he is?' I sigh, standing up. 'It makes no difference. He still won't be my dad, not ever.'
Cheryl looks at me sadly, but nods.
I wander into the bedroom, clenching and unclenching my hands. I start to get changed into a pair of trackies and a vest top I usually wear for bed.
Cheryl follows me, frowning when she sees me pulling on some trainers. 'What're you doing?'
'I err... I need to go for a run.'
'What? Now? Kimba it's the middle of the night...'
'I need to go for a run.' I repeat. We stand in silence for a second, and I can hear my phone ringing where I left it. I briefly close my eyes, counting to ten in my head.
'Will you take your phone then?' Cheryl whispers. 'Not for your mam... so I can know you're ok?'
'Yeah, alright.'
'Come here.' Cheryl smiles, taking me in her arms.
'I know this is really fcuked up and I can't make it better even if I tried... but I love you, you know that don't you?'
'Of course I do.' I reply, feeling a lump in my throat. 'I love you too.'
I let go of her and leave the flat without looking back, stopping only to grab my phone. I start running the second I get outside. I don't have any destination in mind.
I don't know how long I run for, or even where I am when I first stop. The stitch in my side is practically screaming at me to stop, so I stumble over to someone's garden wall and sit there, leaning forward to rid myself of the stitch, sweating and gasping for breath.
I slowly extract my phone to text Cheryl, and see five missed calls from my mums number. Ignoring it completely I open up a text; Coming back soon. Sorry xx
Cheryl texts back almost immediately; Don't be sorry babe I understand. Be careful XX
Smiling to myself I lie back on the wall, staring at the sky, catching my breath before heading back. It's a clear night, and there are only a few stars. I try and count the ones I can see without moving my head.
'Dad... tell me what to do.' I whisper to the darkness. 'What am I gonna do?'
I cover my face with my hands and cry.
**
Cheryl isn't in my face when I get back, which I appreciate. She is just sat on the sofa with a mug between her hands.
'You ok babe?' she smiles, standing up and coming towards me.
'Yeah... I'm fine, I just need a shower. Chez you look exhausted, it's late, why don't you go to bed?'
Cheryl stops in front of me. 'You've been crying.'
I don't answer. As before, Cheryl just puts her arms around me.
'I'm all sweaty.' I laugh shakily.
'I don't care.'
Trying desperately not to cry again I say, 'I'm going to get cleaned up... go to bed Chez, you're tired--'
Cheryl shakes her head, pulling away but keeping her hands on my shoulders.
'Nah... cos if I did I would want you to wake me up if you need to talk about stuff. And you'd promise you would, but you actually wouldn't. So you go and have a shower... I'll be here when you're done, and if you wanna talk, we will. And if you don't, we'll just go to bed together. Simple.'
Wordlessly I kiss her, then go straight into the bathroom; I don't want her to see me cry and think I'm upset, when really I'm just overwhelmed with emotion, overcome with love for her.
When I come out of the bathroom half an hour later, a smile finally graces my face; Cheryl is fast asleep on the sofa, tiny little snores coming out of her. But it's like she senses me watching her; a few seconds later she groans slightly and opens her eyes, sitting up and yawning when she sees me.
'You ok babe?'
'Yeah I think so. Come on, come to bed... you look so tired.'
'I'm fine.' Cheryl smiles, taking my hand as we make our way to bed.
We just lie in the darkness, facing each other. Cheryl leans on her elbow, looking down at me.
'What're you thinking about?'
'I dunno... lots of stuff, you know.'
'Yeah... can I say something?'
'Course.'
'I know you're thinking it'd be an insult to John if you wanted to find out... and I know I never knew him but he'd think you'd deserve to know the truth, babe.'
'You think you know me so well.'
'Well, is that what you're thinking?'
'...Yeah.'
'Then I do know you so well.' Cheryl chuckles, kissing my cheek.
'I don't know what to do, tell me what to do.' I sigh, trying to keep my voice even.
'You deserve to know where you came from, Kimba.' Cheryl says. 'Follow your heart.'
'That's so cheesy.'
'I know... c'mere.'
Cheryl cuddles me tightly, sighing sleepily. I can't fall asleep as easily as her and just lie there, trying to straighten out my thoughts.
At around 2am Cheryl wakes again, sees me staring at the ceiling.
'When did you wake up?'
'I haven't been to sleep yet.' I admit.
'Oh babe...'
'It's alright Chez, go back to sleep I'm fine.'
'No you're not.'
'I am, I just can't stop thinking.'
'Then tell us what you're thinking about.' Cheryl says.
'What would you do?' I ask, silently begging her to tell me what I should do.
'It doesn't matter what I'd do babe, this isn't me.'
'Why can nothing just... stay simple?' I sigh, curling up in Cheryl's arms. 'I didn't spend months, days, hundreds of hours sat with that relentless b!tch of a therapist in California getting right into my soul just... for all this. I don't need this.'
Cheryl just kisses my neck repeatedly, her warm hands rubbing my arm, circling my hip. 'Get some sleep, you're not gonna do yourself any good sat up all night going over and over it in your head.'
'I know.'
'Close your eyes babe.' She whispers. She starts humming. I recognise the tune but can't put my finger on it.
'Sing Parachute?' I ask, yawning.
'If I do will you go to sleep?'
'Yes, mother.' I smirk.
'Oi, shut it.' Cheryl giggles. 'I don't need a parachute, baby if I got you, baby if I got you...'
**
Cheryl is gone by the time I wake up the next morning; she's got a couple of TV performances coming up, and is in talks to perform at some festivals in the summer.
As soon as I wake up, I phone my mum.
'Kimberley?' she answers straight away. 'Are you ok?'
'Hi... I'm fine. Are you?'
'Yes of course, I've just been worried about you...'
'I'm sorry I hung up the way I did yesterday , it was stupid...'
'I understand sweetheart, I just sprung it on you I know.'
'Yeah... well that's what I want to talk to you about.'
'Oh?'
'Look, does... does he know anything about me?'
'No, love. He asked if I had other children other than Adam and I mentioned you but that was all. He doesn't have any idea he could be your father.'
'I see. Look, I... I don't care what you do, if you stay in touch with this guy or anything like that... but I don't want anything to do with him, mum. I have a father. He might not be around anymore but he's always going to be my father, that didn't change when he left me that letter and it's not going to change now... I hope you respect that.'
I hear her sigh. I know she was hoping I would say something else.
'Alright love. I understand. I just thought you'd want to know... I only want what's best for you.'
'...Yeah.'
'Well, me and Edward... we used to be very good friends--'
'I'm sure you did.' I say, rolling my eyes.
'I'm just saying... we're stil friends, I think I'll still be seeing him now and again... I hope that's ok. If it makes you feel any better I promise not to mention you... not in that way. I won't tell him anything.'
'That'd be good.'
'But Kimberley... if you ever change your mind...'
'I won't.' I insist quickly. 'I'll come and see you soon, in the next couple of weeks.'
'That'd be great, sweetheart. Take care of yourself, ok?'
'You too. No more secret appointments either, promise?'
'I promise.' She laughs, which makes me smile.
'Bye, mum.'
No sooner have I stood up to get dressed, than my phone rings again. I don't recognise the number, and frown at the screen. I never usually get calls from unknown numbers.
'Kimberley Walsh.'
I still cringe a little when I answer the phone like this. It's something I learned to do when I had the job, and had to do it regularly.
'Oh thank Gad, I got the right number!' A thick American accent comes down the phone. 'Hi, Kimberley, I was wondering if you're available for lunch today? A friend of a friend recommended you and I really need your thoughts on some stuff, are you free around eleven thirty?'
She speaks very fast. She does sound like whatever she wants me for is urgent.
'Yes, I'm free then if--'
'Oh fantastic! I was hoping you'd say that! I've got us a table at Pacino's, it's an Italian place? D'you know it?'
'Yes, I--'
'Fantastic! When you go in say you've got a table with Stephanie G, they'll seat you straight away. Thank you so much you're saving my life!'
Before I can say another word she hangs up. Coming to my senses I quickly run to get dressed. I have no idea what's going on but if it's a job opportunity, I better hurry up.
**
I still manage to get home before Cheryl mid-afternoon. I left her a note but just throw it in the bin, I'll be here when she comes back anyway. We've been texting through the day and are going out for dinner tonight so I get in the shower, still a bit stunned by the day I've had.
When I come out of the bathroom Cheryl is just coming through the door. 'Hi babe!' she sighs, smiling widely. 'You alright?'
'Yeah, I'm good... I've got loads to tell you.'
'Oh? Have you spoke to your mum?'
'Yeah this morning, but it's not about that. I've only been back myself about half an hour... I got a call this morning and went to meet someone for lunch.'
I try and keep it in, but I'm practically jumping with excitement.
'Who?'
'A musician... she wants me to design all the costumes and outfits for her world tour that starts this year!'
'Oh my God! Seriously?! Well who was it?!'
Both of with matching huge grins, I do a little dance on the spot.
'Lady Gaga.'