It takes almost an hour to get in the car and set off. Cheryl's moving like a zombie, but I know that look. Her head is in the past, pressing down on her.
Once we're on the motorway, she still hasn't said a word. I reach across and rest my hand on her thigh, and she jumps. 'Sorry.' I say. 'Are you ok? No, don't answer that... tell me what you're thinking babe.'
'I'm scared.' Cheryl whispers.
'Why?'
'I'm scared of seeing him again... things... last time I saw him he said he never wanted to see us again.'
I glance across, see she is crying again. I briefly squeeze her hand. 'Cheryl, listen, he didn't mean it. If he did, he wouldn't be asking for you now. He must regret it babe.'
'It was at Andrew's funeral. H-he said it was my fault... he said I was always the one who could talk to him and I hadn't tried hard enough, it was my fault he died...'
'Chez, don't upset yourself... I bet you anything, the first thing he'll say when he sees you're there is that he's sorry. I'd put my life on it.'
Cheryl doesn't answer for a long time.
'I don't know what happened with us.' She sighs suddenly. 'When I was growing up... most of me memories growing up involve him, he was the most amazing dad... even after him and me mam split up when I was eleven, he was always there, nothing changed... then I think he lost his job, and things were bad anyway we always struggled to put food on the table... after he lost his job it got worse than ever, then all of a sudden he was giving us money again but not saying where he'd got it, then I was seeing him less and less... then he started getting violent...'
I glance across at her again. She's staring at her knees, biting her nails.
'I was there when he got arrested, he told us to look after me little brother.' She cried, bursting into tears again. I check the mirrors briefly; the motorway is mostly deserted. I pull onto the hard shoulder, whip off my seatbelt and pull a sobbing Cheryl into my arms. All of a sudden it's like she can't stop talking.
'The funeral was so awful, he had to be escorted by police... everything went smoothly then he started screaming at us at the grave... he kept sayin' I'd broke me promise and he'd never forgive us, and when they got rid of him he said he never wanted to see us or speak to us again...'
'Cheryl, ssshhhh, stop it babe, stop doing this to yourself... come on, it's alright...'
When Cheryl's sobs fade, she sits up, sniffing. I cup her face and kiss her cheek. 'Did you try to get in touch with him after that?'
Cheryl nods. 'A few times... he never answered, so I gave up. I shouldn't have.'
I catch the fresh tears that fall from her eyes. 'Hey, come on. Look, I know this sounds daft, but what do you feel about him now?'
'I miss him.' Cheryl cries. 'I always have. I just put that day down to grief... Kimba what if this is me last chance?'
'Chez, it's gonna be alright.'
'You don't know that, what if he dies? I'm not daft I know it might happen.'
She pulls away, sliding back into her seat, but keeps hold of my hand, looking at me sadly.
'Then we better hurry up then hadn't we?'
She just nods, and gives me the tiniest of smiles. I pull back onto the motorway and accelerate.
'He's not going to die.' I suddenly say.
'How do you know?'
'He isn't going to die. I know you're scared babe... but once you see him again, everything will be ok, I really believe that.'
'And will you stay with us?' Cheryl whispers.
'I'll do whatever you want me to do, I promise. If you want me right by your side every second, that's where I'll be.'
Cheryl quickly grabs my hand and kisses my knuckles.
'I know it'll be hard but why don't you try and sleep for a few hours babe? You'll be exhausted later...'
'I'll try.' Cheryl yawns. 'Will you be ok?'
'Of course I will.'
**
It's gone three in the morning when I get to the hospital Joan told us to drive to. I don't want to wake Cheryl, but I kill the engine and lean over, grasping her arm gently. 'Chez? Baby, we're here... wake up.'
Cheryl stirs and sits up with a little gasp. 'S-sorry... we're here?'
'Yeah.'
'Y-you got here all by yourself?'
'Well, yes. Your mum told us where to go remember?'
'What time is it?'
'Nearly half three.'
'Oh my God...' Cheryl groans. 'Right then... have you got me hat?'
'In the back.'
Cheryl reaches back for her hat, wraps her hair in a bun and puts it on before zipping her coat up.
We get out at the same time but Cheryl doesn't make any move towards the building. I walk around the car and stand in front of her. 'Come on babe you've come this far.'
Cheryl nods, but still doesn't move.
'D'you want me to hold your hand?'
Cheryl smiles, and takes my hand when I offer it. 'I won't let go, I promise.'
Cheryl moves closer to me when we enter the hospital, pressing up against me.
'We're here to see Gary Tweedy Senior.' I whisper to the waiting receptionist.
'Are you family?'
'I am.' Cheryl says.
'What's your relationship?'
'I'm his daughter.'
The receptionist suddenly realises who Cheryl is and loses her thread a little. 'Err... ok, well, there's--'
'Chez, Kim?'
I turn around and see Gary getting out of a lift, striding towards us quickly. 'This's me sister can we go up?'
The receptionist just nods, still starstruck by the looks of it. Cheryl's hand tightens in mine as Gary takes her other one and pulls us back to the lift.
**
There's only one room at the end of the corridor we take, the doors flanked by two policemen. Cheryl stops before we get close. 'What does he look like Gary?'
'He looks awful.' Gary sighs.
'H-has he said anything?'
'Yeah he's been awake a few times. He's asking for you sis.'
Cheryl shakes her head, backing into the wall. 'Woah, babe, come on. You're nearly there, you can do this...'
'I'm gonna go and get you a coffee.' Gary says behind me, and disappears.
'Cheryl, it's gonna be ok. Babe, he's waiting for you...'
'I can't watch someone else in me family die.' Cheryl cries, sliding down the wall. 'You know what it's like Kimba... please don't make me--'
'Cheryl Tweedy.' A voice says sternly. I turn around and see Cheryl's mum standing there. She looks exhausted, really terrible. 'Cheryl, stand up now, please.'
Cheryl doesn't move. Joan looks to me. 'Budge out of the way pet.' She smiles weakly. I move to the side as she crouches in front of Cheryl. 'Cheryl, look at your mam. You're dad's gonna be ok pet. He's still in a bad way but we've been told he's out of the woods.'
Cheryl raises her head, sniffing.
'He's not gonna die?'
'No, he's not gonna die. Now get yourself off the floor right now, it's not ladylike, and it's unnecessary. Look, I'm gonna go and find your brother and get a coffee. Don't leave your dad on his own too long will you?'
Before Cheryl can say a word Joan stands up and leaves us alone. Cheryl stumbles to her feet, staring after her mam, fear on her face. She glances towards the room her father is in, then looks at me.
'W-will you come in with us?'
'Of course, I'm not gonna leave you am I?'
'S-she said he's gonna be ok.' Cheryl whispers.
'I know. I told you didn't I?' I smile, giving her a hug.
'I'm still scared.' Cheryl mutters.
'I'm with you. Does that help?'
Cheryl just smiles and nods. I know she's still nervous, so I take her hand and lead the way.
**
I stand behind Cheryl, sat holding her Dad's hand, for nearly an hour. I briefly see Joan look in the room, satisfied that Cheryl is there, before disappearing again, and neither her nor Gary have come back in.
It's breaking my heart, watching Cheryl staring at her father, begging him to wake up soon. The scene is a little too familiar, but I know I need to keep it together for her; she's been there for me so much, and now she needs me. I can't break.
Cheryl suddenly turns around. 'Are you alright?'
'Of course.'
'...D'you want to sit down for a bit?'
'I'm fine here babe, don't worry about me.'
'Are you sure?'
'Cheryl.' I nudge her, nodding towards her dad, who's just moved his head. Cheryl whips back around to him, leaning closer. 'D-dad?'
It takes a good minute for him to open his eyes properly. He looks straight at Cheryl and his pale, haggard face breaks into a genuine smile, his other arm coming over to grasp her hands. He pulls her closer until she's leaning on his chest, wrapping his arms around her as tightly as possible. 'I'm so sorry Chezzie.' He croaks.
'It's ok Dad--'
'I'm so sorry Chez, I'm so sorry. I've missed you so much...'
I started to back out of the room, satisfied that Cheryl and her dad would be fine for a while. I make my way to the door, thinking of getting Cheryl a drink.
**
'Kimberley, where've you been?' Cheryl says as soon as I re-enter the room.
'I got you a coffee, just thought I'd let you be alone for a bit.' I mutter, aware of Cheryl's dad's eyes on me.
'You didn't have to leave, I was gonna come looking for you.'
'I'm back now.' I smile, handing her her coffee. 'Is everything ok?' I add, glancing briefly at her dad, still watching me. He looks slightly amused to me, but maybe I'm mistaken.
'Aye.' She smiles. She takes my hand and looks back to her father. 'Dad, this is--'
'I know who she is Chez, some news does leak in.' he smiles, offering me his hand. 'Good to meet you Kimberley Walsh.'
'Err, you too sir.'
'Just Gary's fine love.'
'Right, Gary it is.'
'Thanks for bringing my favourite little girl to see us.'
Cheryl rolls her eyes.
'You two sorted now then?' I ask. Gary looks at his daughter, as if asking her how to answer. Cheryl takes his hand and gives him a small smile. 'We'll get there.'
A while later, Cheryl leaves me alone with her father, saying she needs the bathroom. I don't feel nervous about being left alone with him, surprisingly. I expect him to say something though, and I am not disappointed.
'Thank you for bringing her Kimberley, it means a lot.'
'It's nothing, I knew she'd regret it if she didn't, so...'
'I read a paper, said your Dad died of cancer, is that right?'
I look up at him sharply. 'So what?'
'Nothing love, just offering me condolences like.'
'There's no need, it was a long time ago.'
A silence falls, and I start biting my nails, wondering what's next.
'I was gobsmacked when I heard our Cheryl was with a woman.' He says with a little chuckle. 'Absolutely gobsmacked.'
I don't answer. I have no idea how to.
'Is she happy?'
'You'll have to ask her that. I hope so, I don't see why not. Her mam seems to think she's happier than she's been in a long time.'
'Aye, then I'm happy too.' He smiles. This is a very odd conversation.
'I feel a "but" coming on.' I say to him, folding my arms. 'Can I expect the same kind of lecture I got off her brother?'
Gary chuckles, then coughs. I pass him some water.
'Thanks pet. Nah, I've got no right have I? I hurt her more than anyone else ever could, I think, and I'm so ashamed of that. That's why I wanted to see her. I spent a long time being very angry with the wrong people about our Andrew when if I'd just been the father I started off as, he'd probably still be alive, and I wouldn't've missed out on so much of our Cheryl's life.'
I still don't know what to say. I have no idea why Cheryl's dad is saying all this to me, so I mutter, 'Have you told Cheryl this? I'm sure she'd appreciate it more than me.'
'Aye pet, I plan to. I just... for a bit there I thought that was it, and I didn't want her to think I still hated her. I never did, I was stupid.'
'Right...'
'I just wondered, d'you think she'll forgive us?' he asks, staring at me intently.
'I... I don't think she'd be here otherwise, sir. I reckon you've got a hell of a lot of apologising to do though.'
Cheryl comes back then, this time she's brought me a coffee. I take it, standing up to give Cheryl her seat back.
'Everything ok?' she says, biting her lip.
'Fine, I'm just gonna pop to the loo too actually.'
Cheryl watches Kimberley leave, then looks back at her Dad. 'What did you say to her?'
'Nothing love. She's a great girl.'
'I know.'
'She... she said she reckons you'll forgive us.' He continues nervously. 'C-can you?'
Cheryl grabs his hand. 'Don't tell anyone this... Kimberley's Dad. He wasn't her real dad. He told her in a letter way after he died. She's lost him twice, in a way.'
'...Wow... poor girl.'
'Me and you, we've got a long way to go.' Cheryl continues.
'I'm so sorry Chez.' He sighs. 'I've got no excuse. I've been a terrible father.'
'Not always.' Cheryl says with a little smile.
'I love you, you know.' He says gruffly. Cheryl leans over and kisses his forehead. 'Love you too Dad. Get some rest yeah? I'll be back in two minutes.'
One the way out, Cheryl bumps into Kimberley. 'You ok babe?'
Cheryl nods, and for some reason her eyes fill with tears. She hugs Kimberley tightly. 'Everything's ok now.'
**
We drive back down to London late the next day. We haven't left the hospital the whole time. Cheryl spent most of the time with her dad, me going back and forth, trying to let them have as much time alone together as I could; they need it.
Cheryl's sleeping in the passenger seat the whole drive home, and in truth I am totally exhausted too, and can't wait to get in bed. I haven't had a wink of sleep since the night before our date.
When we finally get back to the flat, Cheryl is still sleeping deeply. I take a few trips in and out, taking the bags inside, and still she doesn't wake. I open her door and slip off her seatbelt, trying not to wake her as I slip my arms around her with the intention of picking her up. Cheryl stirs, squinting up at me.
'Kimba? Are we back?'
'Yeah babe, look just pop your arms round my neck, I'll carry you.'
'No, don't be daft I'll be alright.' She sighs, stretching. I still keep my arms around her, half carrying her back inside.
Cheryl is so tired I have to help her change for bed. Once she's snuggled up, I've got no energy left so I just strip off and slip in beside her. Seconds later her hand glides over my stomach, she moves closer to me and starts kissing my neck.
'You seem very awake all of a sudden.' I chuckle.
'That's what you do to us.' She sighs.
'Chez... that feels so good babe but I'm exhausted... I've not slept in nearly two days...'
Cheryl starts giggling, hugging me tightly. 'I'm only messing babe... but can I talk to you for a minute?'
'What's wrong?' I ask, sitting up instantly. Cheryl does the same, taking my hand with a weak smile. 'Nothing... just wanna say thank you.'
'For...?'
'For making us go up there, I know I would've been too scared if you hadn't made us go.'
'Are you glad you did?'
'Aye, definitely.'
'Then there's nothing to thank me for, you're happy, you've got your dad back, I'm glad you went too.'
'Kimba.'
'Hhmm?'
'Look at us.' Cheryl instructs, tilting my face up to her eyes. 'Babe... I know how hard it must've been for you in the hospital--'
'Cheryl, don't please.'
'No, Kimberley let me speak!'
My view of Cheryl becomes a little distorted as my eyes fill with tears.
'I understand how hard it must've been for you to be there, I could tell. But you didn't leave us.'
'I promised I wouldn't, didn't I?'
'I know, I just need you to know how much I appreciate it baby... and it's ok to be upset you know.'
I just nod, but Cheryl giggles. 'Come here you daft cow.'
I squeeze my eyes tightly together as we hug, determined not to cry. 'You're stronger than you give yourself credit for.'
'So are you!' I laugh.
'Lie down.' Cheryl whispers. When I do, she leans over, kissing me deeply.
'Thanks for not leaving us.' She yawns, lying on top of me.
'Never will.'
'You can sleep now.'
'Thank God for that.' I joke. 'And if anything other than a blazing inferno raging through the building wakes me up, someone will pay with their life.'
'I won't try and make you breakfast in bed then.'
'Ooooh, well I wouldn't say no to that...'