Logan parks the car and I smile, "Thanks again for this." He shrugs, "There's no need for thanks princess, spoil yourself." I nod pressing a kiss to his cheek before heading towards the building.
I watch as he drives away once I enter the spa place, once I'm sure he's gone I turn around and head out of the place.
I adjust my cap and head for the building across the street.
It's cold when I walk in and I adjust my shorts, "Hi, how can I help you?" I smile politely, "Hi, I have an appointment with Dr. Shelby?" She nods typing stuff into the computer, "Ah miss Marks, she's with a client right now but they should be done soon." I nod, "Is it okay if I sit over there?" She smiles, nodding, "Of course."
As I head to my seat I can't help but think that I love most receptionists, they are so nice, and honestly, whether or not their smile is genuine, it makes my day a lot better, is that weird? I hope not.
"Miss Marks, come on back with me." Dr. Shelby's voice calls to me, I stand up tipping my head down so the person leaving doesn't notice me.
The hallway was a cream color, I hate that color, makes me feel anxious but when we step into her office the color changed. It's blue with a bookshelf on one side and her desk on the other, and there's a couch across her desk which she motions for me to sit on.
"So, how do you want to start this?" I chew my bottom lip and fiddle with my fingers, "I don't know, I've never been to therapy before." She nods, "Okay, well, how about we introduce ourselves first?" I nod, "Well, my name's Jackie, hope you don't mind but I used a fake name." She smiles, "It's for your safety, there's no problem, my name's Jane, I have a few questions before we start the session, is that okay?"
I nod watching her grab a notebook and move her chair from behind the desk, "Okay so, I'll be taking some notes throughout the session, they help me stay organized and remember important details, I'm the only one who sees them but if you'd prefer me not to write anything that's okay too."
I nod, "It's okay." She smiles and crosses her leg, "So, what brought you to therapy?" My hands can't stop fucking moving because I'm so nervous, "Well, numerous things really." I try to laugh it off but she squints tilting her head to the side, "Are you nervous?" I nodded taking a deep breath to still my hands, "Yeah, it's obvious huh?"
She smiles, "Just a little, it's perfectly normal to feel nervous your first few times in therapy, I get it, it's weird talking to a stranger about your problems, so we'll take as much time as needed to get you comfortable before diving into anything."
I sigh and my hands finally stop shaking, "Yeah it is weird, but I need it." She smiles, "If you don't mind me asking, why do you think you need it?" I grind my teeth frowning at the floor, "I've been through some fucked up stuff and I've never tried to deal, well I tried to on my own and it's never worked and now I'm in a somewhat of a committed relationship and I really like the guy but I can feel myself trying to pull away and sabotage it and I don't want to do that."
She nods, "Well I'm glad you're here for you because it makes things a lot easier for you, it means you acknowledge your trauma and hurt and now you're willing to work through it." I nod, "Yeah, I uh, I've been through a lot and I just don't want to feel like I'm too much anymore." Tears gather in my eyes and I bounce my leg to give my brain something else to focus on.
"Do you do that a lot?" She motions to my bouncing leg, "Yeah, it's a habit I guess, sometimes I don't realize I'm doing it, my mum hates it, drives her crazy." She hums and writes something in her notebook, "What? Something already wrong?" She frowns, "As I said before I take notes to remember things better so I can help you address them properly not because you did, or said something wrong."
I nod chewing on my bottom lip, "So like what do you want to know?" She smiles at me, "Whatever you want to tell, I'm all ears, it's a no-judgment zone." I nod, "Nico, my dad, I'd like to get the easiest thing out of the way." She uncrosses her legs sitting up, "Okay, tell me more about your relationship with him."
I sigh taking off my cap and brushing my hair back, "It's non-existent." She stares at me fighting a smile, "I get that, but before it was non-existent." I bite my lip in thought, coming up blank, "I don't know." She frowns, "A memory, anything is fine, really." I frown, my eyes stinging from unshed tears, I would never have guessed that Nico was such a delicate topic.
"Well one, I was ten and my mum wasn't around, she had a client to talk to? I don't remember but she had told me the night before that she was leaving for LA and I should be a good girl for him." I frown and she nods her head signaling me she's listening, "Well I woke up and the maid, Anna, she was my best friend, well she was the nicest maid at the time and didn't tell on me, was making weird noises when I walked into the kitchen, noises that I later realized were sex noises and I remember Nico being flustered when he saw me, but that isn't important." She nods taking notes.
"He said that he was glad I was ready and that we were going to his favorite restaurant, I remember it being weird because mum said we'd never go there at least not until I was thirteen, something about me having a somewhat normal childhood, but she'd said to not argue with him today and to be a good girl so I went along, I don't remember much after the flashing lights, all I recall after that is mum coming home early and wrapping her arms around me while yelling at him, but they yelled at each other a lot so I knew the drill, zone out and if things seemed to start getting physical to stand in front of one of them."
She stops writing, "Is that the only memory you have of him?" I nod, twisting my fingers, "The others are just us going to red carpet events or more flashing lights and him leaving." I brush my hair back repeatedly, "Would you like to tell me about him leaving?" I shake my head, "No, that's a problem for a later day." She nods closing her book, "So your parents were physical with each other."
It wasn't a question, it was a statement, one I didn't like, "No, no, that's not what I said, they got too close sometimes, too angry and too close, I've never seen them hit each other, but I'd hear them scream hit me at each other sometimes, that was the most it ever became." She nods writing something down before speaking again, "So you don't know if they got physical." I frown, I might hate the man but he was my dad, "No I do know, they never got physical." She pauses staring at me, and she nods slowly before speaking, "In front of you, it's a delicate topic but the truth is they never got physical in front of you."
I pause letting her words sink in, I allow them to take a seat in my heart and cause my mouth to sour, they wouldn't, I mean I never saw marks, scars, nothing, "No, they'd-" The words die in my throat, I hate this feeling, I didn't know, I didn't know if they'd ever do that, I'd only guessed, hoped that they never did that, she sighs, "Your parents never got physical in front of you, I believe that it was because they knew the lasting effects that could have on a child but what most parents disregard is that verbal fights affect children just the same, they kept the physical from you but showed you the verbal, how does that make you feel? About both your mum and dad?"
My head reels with the new information, I know it's a guess on her side, a somewhat informed guess but still, I didn't think that could possibly happen, "I don't know." She nods, "Let's take a step back, you obviously favor your mother which is not unheard of, but why? Why do you think you prefer your mum?" I sigh slouching on the couch, running a hand down my face, "She was there, I guess." She nods, scribbling in her notebook, "Could you explain?"
"She was there for everything, no matter how busy her schedule got, she was there for bake sales, parent-teacher conferences, nightmares, she did it all without a second thought, at least from what I can remember, I can't remember much before the age of ten." She nods, "Okay and you think your dad wasn't?" I shake my head with a sarcastic smile, "I know he wasn't, Nico was too busy, he was hardly ever at home, didn't care much for being a father." She nods as her pencil scribbles on the paper, "But it seems you don't remember much of your childhood, so how do you know?" I don't know if it's the new information or just the overwhelming feeling in my chest but I hate that she's trying to defend him, my jaw locks as I grind my teeth, "Are you saying he was there and I just chose to ignore that?"
She shakes her head, "No, not at all, I'm saying that you don't remember, a lot of people don't remember much of their childhood, but only a few people blackout their entire childhood." I frown, I didn't purposefully blackout my childhood, I want to remember this stuff but I just can't, sighing she shuffles her seat closer, "What if something pivotal happened at ten that for you as a child canceled out the first few years of your life." My teeth sink into my bottom lip, "Maybe." She smiles softly, nodding her head once, "Okay, so taking all this in, they never hid fights from you, verbal fights at least, how does it make you feel? Now that you know that could be one of the reasons you don't remember your childhood." My face scrunches and my tongue feels heavy, I really don't want to feel this way, I dust my shirt off, running a hand through my hair, "Maybe therapy wasn't the right thing for me after all."
She nods, seating back in her chair, "That's okay, we are moving a bit fast, but therapy isn't for everyone, it works if you allow it to, you came in realizing and acknowledging your traumas but you don't know half of them and as a therapist, I'm here to help you sort through it all, even the ones you don't remember, we work through it together, but if you'd prefer to stop we can end the session early or just move on to a different topic."
I twist my fingers, I want to be better, that's why I came here, taking a deep breath in I decide to push through for myself, "No, no, I came here to allow myself to move on, so let's keep going." She nods, "I understand your drive but it takes a lot more than a couple of weeks of therapy to be better, and pushing yourself doesn't speed up the process either, if you don't mind me asking, what's your ultimate goal here?" I frown, fiddling with my hands, "To be more emotionally available, I want to be able to be free with myself and my friends again, I want to not have to censor my thoughts because I feel awful about it." She nods, placing her book to the side, "Would you like to move the discussion to your thoughts? Or keep talking about your parents?"
I take a deep breath, "Parents, I can't handle my thoughts right now." She chuckles, "Alright, what's new with your parents?" I take a deep breath, "I just served my dad papers." She tilts her head in question, "I served him with a restraining order." She sucks in a small breath, "That's a huge step, and if you don't mind me asking why take that step?" I purse my lips, "He was being too persistent, he was showing up at my place of work and interviews and I just don't want to be associated with him, I mean he left, he chose that so why come back? Why now?"
She sighs, "What if you want to see him? After therapy that is, like you've reconciled with your past and now you're ready to move on, what happens then?" I roll my eyes, "I'll die before I tell anyone this but it's void, it was never filed, my lawyer had some connections so he made it somewhat valid while we were serving but it's a fake 'cause I mean he's been in my life for a while now and I love him, a lot more than I let on but I just can't get over what he did." She smiles, "So you knew you'd be coming to therapy?" I nod, "I wanted to do it but when that happened I knew for sure I was entirely fucked up and needed to resolve my feelings with myself and dive into whatever fucked up thing happened in my past."
She's writing when she shoots her next question, "You keep saying my feelings, and resolving my feelings and just things concerning you, why?" I smile, "'Cause I hate myself." She stops writing, "Okay and why do you hate yourself?" Laughter bubbles out of me, "Jane can we please stop being so formal, I just told you some deep-ass shit." She smiles, her posture relaxing a bit, "Sure, now talk to me about the hating myself bout."
I suck in a breath, "I think I've always held some level of dislike for myself like any normal person but when my ex-fiance cheated it kinda blossomed into full-blown hate, it's affecting every aspect of my life now, I can't do anything anymore, I'm less confident, I no longer think I'm pretty, you know the works." She gapes at me, "First off, you are beautiful Jackie, and I know that does absolutely nothing for your confidence but I need you to know that even though you don't think you're pretty, people around you think you're absolutely breathtaking, okay?" I nod, her words making me blush, "And secondly, you were getting married? You're so young." I smile, tucking some hair behind my ear, "Thank you, uh, and yeah I was, we'd been together for five years at that point, and we had a lot of fights but this particular one I was just done, and over it, because he was being unreasonable and he saw that I was done for real so he proposed." She pauses, staring at me like I should know better, "Jackie." I purse my lips feeling guilty, "I know but I loved him, I guess I was just trying to hold on to something that wasn't there anymore."
She frowns, "I get that, I mean we've all done that at some point in time." She glances at the clock and sighs closing her book, "We can squeeze in one last discussion before our session ends if you want to." I nod, taking a deep breath in, "Okay, Nico, let's end it there 'cause he's the root of all my very bad decision-making with men." She laughs, "You're funny Jackie, really funny, however, it's somewhat true, studies have shown to some extent girls emulate their mothers and go for men like their fathers, but from what I've heard you're trying not to." I nod, "Yeah, I love both my parents, my mum a lot more than the other parent but I can't bring a child into this world if I know my marriage would possibly end like my parents." She nods, "Well we're fresh out of time but I'd like to keep this conversation going, let's set another appointment, yes?"
I nod, "I'd like to meet you on Fridays, is that okay?" She hums moving back behind her desk to check her schedule, "I have a free spot for 12 - 1, does that work?" I nod, "Yeah but most of them would have to be online." She nods, typing, "Understandable with your schedule." She types at her computer as I stare down at my fingers, silence filling the room, she clears her throat moving away from her desk as she addresses me, "So we went through a lot today before we wrap up let's cover ground and make sure you're in the right mental space."
I place my cap back on my head adjusting it, "Yes." She nods looking at me, "How do you feel about today's session?" My head is flooded with words but only one stuck, "Horrified." She frowns, "Why?" I sigh, "Well because of the physical thing with my parents, I have half a mind to call and ask my mum but I know she'd deny it even if it did happen." She nods, "That's a very normal response for a parent, that being said because most of your trauma stems from your childhood years, we'll eventually have to indulge in your parent's relationship from time to time." I nod, "That's okay." She smiles standing and I follow her, "Well I'd walk you out but it seems like you're in a rush."
I smile, "My boyfriend thinks I went to get a massage so I have to make it across the street and into the store before he comes." She shakes her head, fighting a smile, "Then you should really start going, I'll see you next week." I nod, smiling, "Thank you so much I'll send you an email if it needs to be over zoom." I wave before stepping into the hallway and darting for the door.
I cross the street and enter the spa place, the receptionist looks at me weirdly, "Mind your business." I see Logan's car pull up and a moment later he's calling me, I decline and walk outside towards his car.
Once I'm settled he leans over and kisses my cheek, "How was it?" I smile placing my hand on his thigh, "Great, I feel much better." He smiles glancing at me as he starts the journey to his apartment, "Good enough to talk about my offer?" I sigh, rolling my eyes, ever the persistent.
Logan wants to move in together, he thinks it'll help us get closer, I disagree we are already really close and all it's going to do is get us caught, look, all I know is I wasn't ready to deal with anyone asking questions or making assumptions.
"Joe, come on, be serious." He glances at me, "I am being serious, think about it J, wouldn't it be nice to fall asleep and wake up with each other." I frown, he has a strong argument, "I mean we already do that." His face drops, and he rolls his eyes, "You know what I mean." I smile giving in, "Alright buy the house, I'll move in partially, so we can still have somewhat of a cover." He smiles and laces our fingers together seating them on his thigh, "Thank you, princess."
I'm thinking about therapy, I heard it was really scary and you just learn shit you didn't want to learn but from today's session I can tell you it's not scary but you do learn a lot of shit you don't want to know about. My biggest worry is unlocking my childhood memories and what I'll find there, I don't remember anything before the age of ten, the only thing I remember is what my mum tells me.
It's insane that I don't recall my childhood but I never worried about it today, I don't know if I should even worry about it at all.
I'm in my head so much I don't realize that we've gotten to my apartment, "Are you okay over there?" My attention snaps to Logan who is now on my couch waiting for me to join him, I smile lightly, "Yeah, yeah, just going over my schedule in my head, seeing that ours line up at some point." He nods beckoning me over, "You can stress about that later, come cuddle me." I smile making my way over, I jump on him giggling and he holds me tight pressing kisses to my face, I smile leaning away from him, "When do you leave for LA again?"
"Sunday, we have a flight that leaves early and we're there for a month, if Damon doesn't royally fuck up takes we should be done by August, at the latest October." He nods, staring at my lips, he smiles softly as he whispers, "I want to kiss you, can I kiss you?" I smile, leaning into him I glance down at his lips, "Please." He nods but doesn't move, "I want so much with you J." I shift uncomfortable with the turn of the topic and he notices, "Why do you do that? The only time we talk about a future is when we're fucking, why?"
I detach myself from him, "I'm just not ready for all that, Matthew moved the same way, saying cute stuff and promising me things, and look how we ended." He frowns, "I'm not Matthew." I nod, "I know that but I'm Jackie, look it's no big deal okay? I'll come around to it soon enough." He nods and we fall silent, the only sound the voices of the people on the TV.
"I hate you." I smile pulling him to me, "I hate you too."