'Kimba? Lily's on the way over with the paper, are you ready?' Cheryl calls into the bedroom.
'Yeah, coming.' I reply, pulling on my other shoe and following Cheryl to the front room.
Today, the paper we spoke to published the story. Cheryl's phone has been ringing with texts all morning, from family, friends, all wanting to know if it's true. According to Lily the world of celebrity has gone into meltdown or something. She's coming over with the paper, something about proofreading it, because if anything we said had been twisted or written differently, we can sue them.
'Adam texted me.'
'Yeah? What did he say?'
'Just expressing his shock we actually did it, wanted to know if we're alright.'
'Aah, bless him. Has he seen that cow since?'
I laugh at her description of Jen. 'No, don't think so. Have you spoke to Gary?'
'No.' Cheryl sighs. I notice her expression change, and she stands behind the sofa, picking at it at the corner. 'Chez.' I say softly, making my way to stand beside her. I brush her hair back and take her hand off the sofa. 'I know how much Gary means to you babe, but he'll come around.'
'I don't understand why he's being such a... you know.'
'He'll come around, I promise.'
'Is that what you thought about your mum?'
I feel my stomach twist uncomfortably when she says this, and I look away. 'I'll stick the kettle on for when Lily gets here.'
Cheryl follows me into the kitchen. 'I didn't mean that.'
'It doesn't matter.'
'I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by that, Kim... I'm just stressed.' Cheryl sighs, blinking her huge brown eyes sadly at me. I hold my hand out to her, starting to smile. 'Hey, here's something you should know.'
'What?'
'Stressed, are you? Well... stressed spelled backwards...' I wait a few seconds, watching Cheryl frown, trying to figure it out. 'Is "desserts"! So, shall we have some cake with this tea?'
Cheryl bursts out laughing. 'That is the worst logic I've ever heard!'
**
A while later after Lily has been and gone, Cheryl and I are just cuddling, her head on my chest. 'Am I too heavy? She mumbles.
'Don't be daft! Stay right there.'
'I can feel your heart beating.' Cheryl sighs, and I see her dimple pop out as she smiles.
'I could just stay here forever, you know.' She continues. 'Just here, just me and you, in our own little bubble.'
'Me too babe.'
'But unfortunately...' Cheryl sighs, sitting up, 'I have a hot date at the studio!'
'What do you mean unfortunately?! Aren't you excited?'
'Yeah course I am, I'm just not really in the mood, I'd rather stay here with you.'
'You'll be fine when you get there babe.'
'Why don't you come with us?' she says hopefully. 'You can meet Rihanna!'
'Nah, it's alright I'll be fine here--'
'Aah, are you shy? Come on, it'll be fun!'
'Actually, I was... I was gonna phone my mum.' I say very quietly. Cheryl starts to smile, sits on my lap. 'Really?'
'Yeah...'
'That's great, babe!'
'I'm not doing it for - I just want to ask her about that letter my dad left... so we'll see what happens I suppose.'
'Is it driving you mad?' Cheryl says gently. 'What it might say?'
'Yeah, you could say that.'
'You could always just go up there, you know.'
'Yeah, right.'
'No, honestly. Look, it's still early. You could get there and back before today is out no problem, then relax in bed with me all day tomorrow. You can take me car.'
'Your car? Why, how--'
'Joe's picking us up today, because of all the press and stuff.'
I find myself considering it. Cheryl grabs her bag and extracts her car keys, dropping them on the arm of the sofa next to me. 'You want to. I can tell.' She whispers.
'I don't know what to do.' I shrug. 'It's difficult.'
'She hasn't stopped trying to call you for days. Adam wants you to give her a chance. To me, that sounds like she wants one.'
Cheryl kisses my forehead. 'I know you're scared--'
'I am not scared.' I say bluntly. Cheryl tilts my head up, smiles, kisses me on the lips then stands up, going for her jacket. 'Keep telling yourself that babe. Look, I have to go, Joe's waiting... if you do decide to go, text us, yeah? C'mere.'
Cheryl drags me up and hugs me tightly. 'I'll tell Rihanna you say hi.' She giggles.
'Cheryl...'
I suddenly realise, if I do go to my mum, it will be the longest I've spent away from Cheryl since we met. Time spent in a coma aside. My hands are on her waist and suddenly I can't let go.
'What's wrong?'
'I - I don't want to leave you.'
Cheryl's worried frown melts away instantly. 'Oh, babe... it'll be alright, honestly, it's not for that long... but I know what you mean, it'll be weird.' Cheryl takes my face between her hands and kisses me slowly.
'I'm gonna miss you.'
'I'll miss you too.'
'So you're going then.' Cheryl grins triumphantly.
'I didn't say that.'
'Yeah you did.'
'I'll miss you on Alan Carr if I go.'
'I'll set the Skybox to record. And if things go well with your mum you could even watch it with her!'
'But--'
'Stop making excuses, Kimberley.' Cheryl says. 'You have to let go of the past.'
I am so close to giving her a nasty retort then; she's having trouble with that herself. But I bite my tongue. Cheryl turns away, and throws the cars keys at me so fast, I have to catch them. 'Go, babes.' She says.
'Cheryl.'
'What?!'
'C-can I have a goodbye kiss then?'
Cheryl laughs, runs back to be and throws herself on me. 'I'm in the studio all day. I'll have me phone right next to me all day. You ring me at any point you stop at a service station or something... and ring us when you get there... and ring us if you get a minute to let us know how it went...'
'I'll ring you Cheryl, I promise. You just worry about yourself and being on TV tonight.'
'I am!' Cheryl laughs.
When we break apart, I am startled to see she is crying.
'Chez...'
'Ignore us, I'm being silly.' She sniffs. I kiss the tears from her face, making her laugh. 'Babe, please don't cry! I'll be back tonight. No matter what, okay? And we can spend the whole day tomorrow in bed.'
'I'd like that.' Cheryl says. 'You know, I've never spent the entire day in bed with anyone before.'
'Well I'm honoured I'll get to be your first.' I laugh. 'Because tomorrow, I don't care who's on the phone or what they want, we are not leaving that room. Apart from to get food and stuff obviously.'
Cheryl shakes her head at me. 'I have to go, babe... listen, give it a few minutes after I go for the paps to follow us before setting off. One or two might hang back but if they do, just don't acknowledge them, just smile.'
'Got it. Go on, Rihanna's waiting!'
Cheryl blows me a kiss at the door. 'I love you. Good luck!'
'Thanks. Love you too.'
As soon as Cheryl is gone, I pick my phone up and dial my mum's number, before I can change my mind. I feel perspiration on my forehead and my hands are shaking as I pace back and forth.
'Hello?'
'H-hi... err, hi mum. I-it's me. Kim.'
'Kimberley?' she sounds shocked, like she can't believe I've called her, which is probably true.
'Yeah.'
'Are you alright?'
'Yes, I'm fine... are you?'
'Of course... I'm a bit surprised you've phoned, to tell you the truth.'
'So am I.' I admit. There is an awkward silence for a few seconds. I have no idea what to say.
'Did Adam tell you about the letter?'
'Yeah, he did.'
'Is that what you're calling about?'
She's not stupid, I'll give her that. She knows I wouldn't be talking to her otherwise. 'Yes, actually--'
'I could bring it to you.' She says eagerly.
'No... no that's ok, it's crazy here, I... I was actually wondering... I was thinking of coming there. T-today.'
'Really?'
'Yes, I mean if--'
'Of course you can, you should, of course!' she gasps. She sounds excited, almost. I sit down, still feeling nervous. 'Are you sure?'
'Absolutely.' She pauses for a second then says, 'Nothing would make me happier, Kimberley.'
'Oh. Okay, well... I suppose I'll see you later then.'
**
Using the handsfree in Cheryl's car, I call her as soon as I hit the motorway.
'Kimba? Is everything ok?'
'Hey babe, yeah I'm fine, I'm on the way to Bradford now.'
'Are you driving?! Get off the phone, you rebel!'
'I'm on the handsfree Cheryl.'
'Really? You know how to use that?'
I burst out laughing. 'Yes Cheryl, I know how to use basic technology. I'll show you tomorrow maybe.'
'Nuh-uh missy, no you won't! We're spending tomorrow in bed, remember?'
'Of course! How could I forget that.'
'So you spoke to your mam?'
'Yeah... it was really awkward but it'll be nothing compared to what it'll be when I get there. I just want to get the letter and go but I don't think it's gonna work like that.'
'Just go with it, babe.' Cheryl says encouragingly. 'But remember to stand your ground as well.'
'I haven't forgotten, Cheryl, don't worry. If anything kicks off I'll just get what I want and go to Adam's for a bit. Or come straight home and wait for you.'
'Straight home.' Cheryl repeats. 'Is it your home now then?'
'Wherever you are is my home.'
'Aaahhh, Kimberley.' Cheryl sighs. 'You're so adorable!'
'I try my best.' I laugh. 'I'll let you go anyway, get some work done.'
'Call us when you get there remember?' Cheryl says.
'I will. I love you.'
'Love you too!'
**
I've arrived.
I think I've been sat outside my mum's house, my old home, for about twenty minutes. I just keep looking at the door, but I can't seem to move to go to it. The only progress I've made in the last few minutes is to turn off the engine.
Suddenly, the door opens, and she is stood there. She sees me in the car, and for a moment we just stare at each other. She raises her hand in greeting, and, my heart hammering like crazy, I get out of the car, setting the alarm. Still I just stand there. Eventually my legs start moving and I find myself stood about five feet from her. 'Hi.'
'Hi, sweetheart.' She smiles. 'D'you want to come in?'
I don't know what I'm feeling when I look at her. But when she says that something happens inside me, and suddenly I just want to leave.
'I thought you didn't want me in your house?' I say, referring to our last meeting, when Cheryl brought me here.
'I didn't mean that, Kimberley. I was just shocked to see you after so long.'
'Yeah, sorry about that. I was away for quite a while, wasn't I? I can't think why...'
'Don't be like that, darling.'
'Why not? What do you expect me to be like?'
'I was hoping we--'
'You were hoping that because you've got something I want, everything between us would suddenly melt away and it'd all be fine? It doesn't work like that.'
She doesn't answer, she just looks at me sadly. 'Will you please come in? I know we have a lot to talk about, let's not do it on the street. It's winter, it's freezing.' She babbles.
'I know. I spent weeks sleeping on them in the winter.' I retort, getting some pleasure out of the fact that she looks down in shame. I stride forward and right into the house before I can change my mind, and she doesn't hesitate to follow me.
'Sit down.' She says eagerly. 'D'you want something to drink? Or I could do you some lunch--'
'No, I don't want anything. I just want my dad's letter, then I'll get out of your way.'
'I don't want you to get out of my way, Kimberley, I want us to talk.'
I don't sit down, but I turn to face her, folding my arms defensively. 'So talk.'
'Well I--'
'If you want to talk so badly, here I am. Although I'm not too crazy about being here so you better make it quick. And I want my letter.'
'Right... I'll go and get it then.'
I watch her until she disappears out of sight up the stairs, then turn to look out of the window. I find myself smiling as memories find their way into my head, memories of playing on this very street with Adam, and other kids, and my dad. Even my mum; she features in my memories even though I don't want her to.
I hear her coming back down the stairs and turn around. My heartbeat quickens at the sight of the letter in her hand. She holds it out to me, and I recognise his handwriting, the way he wrote my name. I reach out and take it, but she holds it tightly between her own fingers. She holds one end and I hold the other. I look up and meet her eyes.
'Will you stay a while?' she whispers.
'Why?'
'I- I want to apologise. For everything, Kimberley.'
I give the letter a tug and she lets go. 'Do you know what it says?'
'No... I didn't even know it existed until it got posted... it didn't have a stamp on it, or the address, just your name, so one of his friends or someone he knew must have promised to do it for him... before he died.'
I find myself walking over to the armchair in the corner of the room, the one my dad used to sit on. I fall into it, turning the letter over in my hands repeatedly even though the only thing written on it is my name, and that doesn't change.
'D'you have any idea what it might say?'
'No, sweetheart... d'you - are you scared of what it might say?'
'No, I'm just asking.'
'Kimberley. Please look at me.'
Reluctantly I meet her eyes.
'I'm so sorry, sweetheart.'
'I know you are.'
'I really am. I want to make things right between us.'
'I know you do... but it's not that easy.'
'You could do it for Adam, why can't you do it for me?'
I clench my fists hard, the letter crackling as I do so. 'Because after everything that happened, it was Adam who truly had a reason to hate me, but when I came out of a coma, mother, it was him who was there, not you. And when I asked about you it was Cheryl who had to tell me that you'd decided not to come with him.'
I watch her flinch, avoiding my eyes. She doesn't say anything, and I'm glad. I think any attempts by her to defend herself would just anger me.
'I'm sorry.' She says feebly.
Shaking my head, I stand up, startling her. 'Don't leave yet.'
'I need to read this... I'm going to the car.'
'You don't have to do that. Stay in here, I'll get out of your way for a bit.'
'No, I'll go to the car. I-I'll come back in... after.'
She nods eagerly.
'While I'm gone maybe you should try and answer my question.'
'What question?'
'How would you have felt about yourself if I'd actually died?' I whisper, before striding outside without another word.
**
I sit in the car, gripping the steering wheel tightly, the letter on my lap. My phone has a missed call and three messages, all from Cheryl.
Hi babe did u get there alright? XX
Hi Kimba, hope everything's alright? Did u get there ok? How r things with ur mum? Chez Xx
Worried about u babe, call me bk when u can. Love u xx
I hold my thumb over the call button for a few seconds, then change my mind and tap out a quick text.
Heyy, sorry I forgot to call. Just about to open the letter, promise 2 call u soon. Things r really tense with mum. Speak to u soon love u 2 xx
Placing my phone on the passenger seat, I snatch up the letter and rip it open quickly. The smile that grows on my face at the start soon fades the further through the letter I get..
Kimberley,
While I'm writing this I'm watching you painting in the garden with really loud music playing next to you. It always confused me how you could create such beautiful images with such crazy sounds coming out of that thing. One of the many things that is special about you.
The plan is for you to get this a day or two after you turn 20. So I'll start by saying Happy Birthday, beautiful girl. You are a woman now. And it is for that reason, that and the fact that I cannot die with the secret, that I have to tell you this, and I am so sorry.
I'm not your father Kimberley.
Your mother and I went through a rough patch around the time she became pregnant with you. We both made mistakes. I don't think she ever found out that I took a DNA test, but the result made me even more determined to be a father to you. You are everything to me, and having to leave you like this, so soon while you are so young makes me so angry... I'll never get to see you grow into the amazing beautiful woman I already know you will be. I'll never get to act embarrassingly protective when you bring your girlfriends home.
Yes, I think I've always known that about you too. The only boy I've ever seen you anywhere near is your brother. I may not be your father by blood, but I am in everything else. And a father knows these things.
I wish I didn't have to do this. Maybe it's very selfish of me, but I can't take the secret to the grave. If I had my way you would never have had to know. Don't blame your mother; I think she was always in denial about the possibility you might not be mine. And don't blame your brother; Adam never knew.
I'm so sorry.
I hope in some way you understand. And I hope you know how much I love you. Having you for a daughter is the greatest gift and honour, and you have enriched my life more than I could ever tell you.
Love you always, Kimberley.
Dad xx
Attached to the back of the letter is a cheque for a ridiculous amount of money, and another small note on top of that:
I meant to leave you this in the Will, but I didn't think you'd know what to do with it at such a young age. I hope it's of some use to you now.
Somehow I am still breathing. Somehow, though I feel numb, my hands slide the letter back into the envelope and drop it on the seat by my phone.
I don't know how long I sit there, my head blank, my body numb, my eyes staring but not seeing. And they are dry. I feel empty of everything; even tears.
My phone starts ringing. I ignore it. It rings twice more, and still I don't move an inch. When it rings a fourth time, I reach for it and answer, holding it to my ear without ever moving my eyes from the spot on the window I've been fixated on for countless minutes now.
'Kimba, it's me, are you there?'
Cheryl's voice seems to echo through my head. 'Kimberley? It's Cheryl... babe are you there? Say something.'
I open my mouth to speak, but I don't know what to say. There's nothing there.
'Kimba, you're scaring us.' Cheryl says desperately on the other end of the phone. 'Has something happened?'
As soon as she says that, as soon as I hear that she's scared, something changes, and I find my voice. 'Cheryl? Can you hear me?'
'Kimberley? What's going on?'
'Sorry, Cheryl you're breaking up... I don't know what's going on around here but the signal's awful.' I lie. 'Look, can you still hear me ok?'
'Yeah--'
'I'll ring you later, and if it doesn't work I'll text you. I love you, have fun! See you later babe.'
I hang up quickly, hating how fake I was, how false I sounded talking to her. Still holding the phone, I go back to staring into space.
I jump out of my skin when my mum appears at the window, knocking lightly. 'Kimberley?' she says nervously. The window is open a tiny crack, and I can hear her. 'You've been out here a long time sweetheart... come inside and warm up.'
I turn my head to meet her eyes. She looks very worried. I swing the door open and get out of the car, and she steps back. 'The letter from your dad... what did it say?' she asks.
'It wasn't a letter from - my dad.'
She frowns, confused, but I wait. Eventually, it looks like she clicks. She looks shocked. 'Oh God... oh my God, he didn't...'
'Go on.' I urge. 'Say it.'
She just shakes her head, tears in her eyes.
'SAY IT!' I scream, making her jump. But she doesn't. Instead she says, 'I'm so sorry, Kimberley...'
'Tell me it's not true.'
It is a meaningless, desperate plea. Of course it's true. He wouldn't have done this to me otherwise. She just shakes her head. She's crying now. 'I'm so sorry Kimberley.'
I turn around and open the car door again. She grabs hold of me, stopping me. 'Please, don't go yet. You're upset, you can't drive--'
'Let go of me, now.'
'Kimberley, you can't--'
'Unfortunately for you, me and you are still blood related, and I inherited your temper.' I snarl. 'Let go of me.'
She does, and moves back a tiny bit. 'Just come back inside.' She begs. 'You can scream and cry and do whatever you want in there, just don't go driving off in a state. Please.'
'My whole life's a lie.' I say bluntly. I'm not even sure if I'm talking to her anymore. I get in the car and slam the door, locking it quickly before she can react. I bring the window down a little more and meet her eyes one last time. 'Don't ever contact me again.'
**
By the time I get home several hours later, my phone is full of missed calls and messages; my mum has tried calling me six times, Adam five and Cheryl three times. She also text me once, but since then she hasn't tried to speak to me; she probably thinks things are going well with my mum, so she won't bother me.
Instead, I'm back where I was this morning.
I wander through into the kitchen and switch the kettle on, but when it boils I just stare at it, doing nothing. Leaving the kitchen I go back to the front room, circle once around the sofa then go into the bedroom. I don't know what I'm doing. I think I'm going mad.
My eyes fall on the dresser, with its new, fixed mirror, and one of my photos on it. Cheryl put it there, one of the pictures she got me from my house, the one of my dad throwing my into the air and waiting to catch me. Automatically I pick it up, staring at it for a long time. I carry it out of the room, walking aimlessly around with it, never taking my eyes off it.
Up until then, I've felt nothing, like I've been empty. Then something snaps inside me. I hurl the frame across the room, where it slams into the wall and shatters. And I can't stop.
I grab a vase of flowers and throw those too. By the time the pieces are on the floor, the flowers strewn everywhere and the carpet soaked through, I am in the kitchen.
Cheryl and I left a sinkful of unwashed pots that morning, before we left. One by one I take them out, throwing them across the room, breaking everything I set eyes on that looks breakable.
I end up sitting on the floor under the window in the front room, close to the smashed vase and wet carpet. And that is where I stay, letting the darkness deepen around me. A couple of times I hear my phone ring from where I left it in my jacket, draped across the sofa, but I ignore it.
**
The illuminated clock on the DVD player tells me it's twelve thirty in the morning. Numbly, I consider that Cheryl should probably be back by now.
It's nearly another hour before she comes in. I'm sat with my arms wrapped around my knees, my head leaning back against the wall. When Cheryl comes in and turns the light on, she jumps about a foot in the air and gasps loudly, her hand flying to her heart. 'Holy sh*t, Kimberley! What th-what're you doing there?'
I watch her as she takes in the scene around her, her eyes flicking across every
broken fragment of glass on the floor. I see the fear in her eyes as her gaze falls on me, but I don't have anything in me to say anything to her, to convince her that it's ok, that I'm not going to hurt her, that I never would. I couldn't. But I don't say anything.
Cheryl spots the picture on the floor and bends to pick it up. She looks at it for a moment, then back at me. 'Kim, what's happened?'
I don't answer. I see her hesitating, can almost hear her wondering if it is safe. But she steps through the mess I've made and drops to her knees in front of me, placing the broken picture on the floor next to her. Her hands are shaking. She leans closer, raising her hand, and very slowly brushes my hair back. 'Kimba.' She whispers. 'Babe, tell me what happened.'
I shake my head, the only movement I've made since sitting down here. 'What did she do?' Cheryl says gently, but she is scowling, fierce. 'Please tell us what happened Kimberley, I can't help you if I don't know.'
'I can't.' I whisper. And for the first time I feel tears. I haven't cried yet. I know I won't be able to stop if I start.
'Why not?'
'B-because.. because I don't want it to be true.'
Cheryl doesn't say anything. She shuffles closer to me, sits next to me and wraps her arms around me, holds my head against her shoulder. She doesn't have to say anything; I know she's probably willing to sit there with me all night if she has to. So I just spit it out.
'H-he's not m-my dad.' I stammer.
'What?!'
'H-he - the letter - it said - he told me - he's not my dad.' I sob. 'He's not my dad... Cheryl...'
I cry uncontrollably for a long time. Cheryl doesn't speak, or make any movement other than to hold me tighter, her lips occasionally brushing against my forehead.
'I-I'm so sorry... about the house.' I sniff when I find my voice again.
'Ssshhhh.' Cheryl whispers. 'Don't babe.'
'I didn't mean to... I'll clear it up, I'll make it right I promise - I didn't mean--'
'Sshhh.' She says again. 'Don't worry babe. I'll clear it up. I'm gonna take you to bed now. Come on, get up.'
We move into the bedroom, and Cheryl gently helps me undress, kissing me softly, comfortingly, throughout. When she drapes the quilt over me she kisses my forehead. 'I'm gonna clear up babe--'
'C-can't you stay with me?' I ask. I'm not really crying anymore, but the tears are still there, falling whenever I blink. 'I promise... I'll sort it tomorrow.'
Silently, Cheryl straightens up and slips her dress off her shoulders, letting it fall to the floor. She shivers slightly, then crawls into bed beside me. 'Come here, let me hold you.' She whispers. 'Me beautiful girl... I'm so sorry, Kimba.'
Cheryl holds me against her chest, resting her cheek on top of my head. Eventually, her breathing evens out and I know she is sleeping. I can't fall asleep as easily, but I listen to her breathing, inhaling her beautiful, natural scent, letting her, just the essence of her take over me, so I don't have to think or feel anything else.