It's been a hell of a week, and I can finally say that Alexis is not to blame for this one week after a whole month of torment with him. He's actually been kind of tiptoeing around me in the kitchen and he hasn't raised his voice at me once during a whole week which is incredible. Instead, he's been around me in the kitchen more often, trying to teach me stuff instead of getting frustrated at the fact that I can't do it, just like I had suggested last week. But that hasn't gone well for me either because while Alexis is trying to be patient with me, which must be really hard for him, I'm here with my thoughts preoccupied with the realization I came with a week ago. The fact that I was the main reason for not being able to come as close to Miles as I would like to is taking over my whole mind.
Good thing is that Miles has been working late hours lately, giving me a chance to go to sleep before he gets home because I really don't have the stomach to face him. Not now anyway. To look at his face and just realize that he might have needed me by his side while I wasn't there for him would just break me. So as the usual coward I am I've been avoiding him. At least until now. "So, Sunshine? Do you care to tell me why you've been avoiding me?" Here he was, cornering me to the walls of our apartment because he as usual figured me out. Figured out that I had been avoiding him. I wasn't planning on dodging him forever.
I... Actually, I don't know what I was even thinking. All I know is that I wasn't expecting him to get off work earlier today. I tried to hurry to the bedroom as soon as I heard the door unlocking, but unfortunately, Miles had already walked through the door and hurried to me. He caught up with me and pushed my body lightly against the wall. One of his hands held my arm tightly while the other rested on the wall beside my head. "Aren't you supposed to work late today?"I return a question to him.
"I can't get much work done while my girlfriend is avoiding me which means that I was completely useless there. So I figured why not come home earlier before you have the time to flee me by going to bed," the hand that was holding on to my arm drops its hold and travels up to my face. He grips my chin with his index finger and thumb and moves my head to make me face him. I didn't realize that I was avoiding eye contact with him until now. I finally look into the blue of his eyes that I've been longing to look into. I haven't seen them in a week which feels like an eternity. "Now, can we please settle things here? Because I would love to return to my normal self that gets things done, and I just can't bring myself to do that while knowing that something is making you avoid me." he continues while my eyes are still focused on his. It seems impossible to look away now that I've made contact with them again.
I've seen all of him, sleeping, when I get up in the morning to grab breakfast on my way before heading to work. It's just those blue stones for eyes of his that I haven't managed to see because they were always hidden behind his sleepy eyelids. It's a habit of mine to just take my time looking into his eyes almost whenever, while we eat, watch movies or even head to sleep. I wonder when he cried last. Does the blue color, mixed with green strings all around get brighter when he cries? Now I feel my own eyes filling up with tears because of the thought that the last time he cried might be while having me in his life but not having me available as comfort. That causes my gaze to break from his finally. "Your time is up Sunshine. Have I done something to upset you? " I can hear the worry in his voice, I can even feel it on his face without looking at him. Warmth is the usual feeling I get at the sound of his concern for me, but all I feel now is guilt. Guilt because I made him think that he had done something wrong for a week when in reality I'm the one who's done everything wrong.
"No, you've done nothing wrong," the tears are threatening to fall down any second as I speak. "What then, Sunshine? Why haven't I been able to look into your eyes for a week? Why do I come home to you already sleeping? I must have done something to bother you," he meets my eyes again, not by moving my head to make me face him but by tilting his head to my height and putting it into my view, forcing me to look at him instead of his chest that my eyes rested on after leaving his eyes. "No, I promise. You're just amazing Miles, and you've always been," a sob leaves my lips. "Are you about to cry because I'm amazing, Sunshine?" he laughs. "Yes. No. Well, yes. I'm crying because you're really great, and you do everything right while I only manage to do everything wrong," hot tears start streaming down my cheeks. "You've always been there for me and I can't even say that I've been there for you once."
"Sunshine..." he wipes away a tear on my cheek as he tries to speak, but I interrupt him because I really have to get this out. "And that's not even all of it. You know how I've tried to get you to open up. I apologize for that. I get why you don't want to share things with me now. I wouldn't either. I've been so self-centered for all of these years you've given up on even speaking about your problems with me. I mean I don't even know how you love..." a pair of hot lips press hard against my lips at such a speed that makes my head hit the wall behind me. All of my previous anxious feelings fade, leaving room for the new warm feeling that only he can make me feel. My heart was already beating fast, making it hard for me to breathe out of fear and uncertainty but now it's beating fast in excitement. Oh, how I've missed this. Never did I think that I could become addicted to a pair of lips, to his lips, my former best friend's lips.
He breaks the kiss and rests his forehead against mine while holding my face in his hands and looking into my eyes. But my lips can't accept the cold that they're left in after the warm kiss, so i try to reach up to his mouth to kiss him again but he backs away just enough to let me know that he doesn't want my kiss. "Never doubt my love for you ever again, do you understand?" his grip on my face tightens before he pulls me into his chest with one of his hands pressed against my head. He embraces me hard as if he can't get enough of me and wants me under his skin. "I would gladly show you how much I love you in other ways to make you believe. But because I told you that I respect your decision you'll just have to believe my words, for now, because I'm a man of my word," he plants a kiss on my head that last a few seconds. "But I failed you," my words come out as a vague whisper.
"You never failed me. You made me feel things I never thought I would be able to feel with anyone. You give meaning to my life. It is you that makes me excited to wake up every morning and go on with my day. You see this place," his hands leave my head suddenly making it feel empty as he points at the living room before he continues "it was just a place I slept in, now I can finally call it home. And you know why? Because it never felt like home before you moved in here with me. Hell I could sleep on the streets and call it home as long as you're there with me," my face is in his hands again and my swollen eyes are facing his
"And I don't know why you're so obsessed with me not telling you anything. What is it that you feel like you don't know about me? You know me better than anyone cared to ever get to know me, besides that punk Alexis of course. What's my favorite color?"
"Red," I answer with a sob. "What's my favorite place?"
"The garden two blocks behind your old high school because you and a friend of yours, which I now guess is Alexis, used to spend a lot of time there when things didn't feel right anywhere else. It was and still is like a comfort place." I can feel myself calm down to his words. "What food do I like the most?"
"You like everything. You don't have a favorite dish because you really enjoy food. And as far as you know there isn't a thing that you don't like, as long as it's cooked properly."
"You see, you know even the small details about me. I could go on but I don't see a need for that. What more is there to know?" he gives me the sweetest smile I've ever seen on his face. "What about your family?" the smile that lasted a few seconds faded. "My not wanting to talk about that has nothing to do with you personally. It's just not my favorite topic, and talking about it just... hurts. But seeing you scolding yourself like that hurts even more so I'm gonna talk about it, just this once." now I'm the one smiling, probably looking like an idiot as hope fills my whole body. "I'm an orphan, my father was a pilot and died in a plane crash when I was twelve years old. My mother couldn't live with the thought of losing him so she became an addict." he takes pause as his gaze leaves mine, focusing on the floor instead.
"One of my teachers learned about it a while later and reported it, causing my mother to lose me in a lawsuit. I guess it became too much for her, losing my father, then losing the one reminder of him left for her, me so she simply took her life" a gasp left my mouth as I tried to process what he had just told me. I've always thought that I would feel relieved when finally learning something more about Miles's family and past, but relived is the last feeling that my body is familiar with right now. I feel a lump form in my stomach as my eyes welcome a refill of tears. A part of me even wishes that I never got to know any of this because it's too hard to handle.
How did he live through something like that? Did he have someone by his side back then? In how many ways did it affect him? Was he well treated in the orphanage? These are all questions that I wanted to ask him, and I know it's my only chance to do that. Because as soon as we had closed this topic there was no going back to it again, talking about it just... hurts. I'm gonna talk about it, just this once. He had said. But I also know that pushing him is the last thing I should be doing now so instead I just go back to our hug that he broke to talk to me. "Thank you," I tell him as I feel his arms joining around my back. "For what, Sunshine?"
"For telling me. It really meant the world." A few minutes of silence pass by as we stand here in each other's arms and I'm not complaining. I really don't mind standing like this for the rest of my life. "I actually have something for you," I lift my head to look at him. "What?"
"Why don't you go and take a look for yourself, It's in the bedroom." Without any other words, I break free from his hands and run towards the bedroom, eager to know what it is that he has bought for me. Nothing. The bedroom that I get into is just the same one that I left this morning. Nothing more and nothing less. I look around, lift things, and open drawers in vain because there isn't a single thing here. "Miles I can't find it!" I call for him. "Oh is that so? Wait I think I found it here in my pocket. Come out here and get it." I follow his words out to the living room again where I find him... I... The unbelievable sight before me becomes blurry with the tears that fill my eyes. I've been crying a lot today, but this one time, it's out of happiness. Miles is on the ground, on one knee with a jewelry box in his hand. I can't believe that he's proposing. I look down at his clothes and I notice that they are pretty, and proposing-acceptable because he as usually is dressed nicely. He's wearing e pair of grey suit pants and a white long-sleeved shirt.
"I had other plans that I've been working on for a while with Alexis. That's kind of why I've been 'working' late for the past week," he air quoted the word working with his free hand that was resting on his lap. "because Alexis has to be at the restaurant when you're there because of your beginner-stage so that only left us time for when you get off work. By the way, wish me luck with telling Alexis that I just screwed everything up and proposed to you at home, he will eat me alive with his words when he finds out. But I just couldn't wait and let you go around like that questioning my love for you." he continues which I'm really grateful for because I'm clueless about what to say. "So that leaves me with one question, Sunshine. Will you, Nova Devis do me the honor and marry me? P.S. our honeymoon destination is Bali if you say yes."