" How do you even wear these ?" Sampoorna asked Bondita as they sat in Bondita's room. Sashwati lying peacefully next to them in Tapur's arms.
" I don't. I will just wear them in schools." Bondita replied
" And you broke the hook by not wearing it ?"
" I was trying them on so I get used to them." Bondita said as she stitched back the said hook to one of her bras.
" You got such plane ones." Sampoorna said disappointed.
" What do you mean plane ones ?"
" Or what ? They had such beautiful ones. Lace, net and pretty flowers. And such beautiful colours. And you got what ? This white and black and plane blue and..." She picked up the beige one Bondita put back after sewing " what even is this good for ?"
" They are much more comfortable than them. That is why I got these and not those almost transparent ones. What good are those ? What would I do with beautiful one's ? They were too expensive for a thing only I would see. It's not like someone is going to see it." She had liked those designs but they did seem pretty pointless.
" What do you mean only you would see ? Ofcourse someone else would see too."
" Didi !!!! " Bondita exclaimed. " What are you saying ?!! No one would see. I would be careful..." She still had the image of one bra dangling through her Pati Babu's finger intact. She glanced towards Tapur and even she was looking interested in the topic.
" Have you no brains ?" Bondita looked at Sampoorna blinking innocently at the accusations. " You won't let your husband see you..."
" No....!!!!" Bondita whispered forcefully so as to not wake Sashwati and kept her hands to her ears but they were yanked down by Sampoorna.
" How long are you going to behave like a child Bondita ?"
" It's not about being a child. I...I don't think it is any of his buisness to see me wearing that and...and I am sure he doesn't want to see me in that."
" You are sure ?"
" Yes."
" How ? Did you ask him ?" Tapur asked.
" No !! How can I...? I just know. He doesn't look twice at the saree I am wearing. What I am wearing underneath is the last of his concern. Besides I don't think men take interest..."
" I thought you were observant. Did you not notice men at the shop ?" Sampoorna asked.
" Yes. But... What..."
" But. What." Sampoorna mocked her. " They were there to buy it. For their wives."
" Sampoorna Didi." Tapur spoke curiously. " Why would a husband buy such things ?"
" Because he wants to see her in it." Sampoorna didn't know if she should be talking about it in front of an unmarried girl but Tapur was to be sixteen soon and Thakuma would have her married the very next day if possible. She should know these things. " Just like...you know...the favourite colour saree they would like to see on her. Or bangles or... even sometimes a gajra or itra..." Bondita went a little red at the mention of gajra. " Things like these."
" But... Didi..." Bondita said hesitantly playing with her bangles. " These are pretty innocent gifts. Not...not like a this..." She meant women undergarments ofcourse.
" But they are given with the same intension. He would like to see you in it."
Bondita relieved the whole moment with him in the kitchen. He had not said it in words but he had wanted to see her wearing his gajra ? Could it be he didn't come for water at all that day ? She could not deny how beautiful she felt in something given by him. " But...Didi...this is something entirely different."
" In a way...yes..."
" In what way is it different Didi ?" Tapur asked.
" Because...it would definitely lead to something."
" What ?" Both the young girls asked with wide curious eyes.
" To the most beautiful and intemate moments between a husband and wife."
Bondita gulped. " This...this would lead to...how...?"
" Why not ? You think a man would step back after seeing his wife in something like this ? "
" He won't...?" Tapur asked too engrossed in the conversation.
" If he got it for her...it was with the intensions of it. It means he wants to have...his way. And...you know... a wife could try to lure him by wearing...suggestive attires."
" Suggestive...?" Bondita was not even blinking and so wasn't Tapur.
" Don't tell me you don't understand the meaning of this. A couple needs to do something sometimes to show the other how much they want them. It is just one of the ways..."
" One of the ways...?" Bondita whispered.
" What are the others ?" Tapur asked.
" That is for you to grow up a little more and find out." She replied to Tapur. " And you to go and learn from you husband."
" Me ?! Ask Pati Babu how to lure him ?!?"
" Ummmhmmm..."
" No way ! No. " Bondita was too scared to even think of it. " He would put me in a hostel the very next day. He...he hates such things..."
" That is just nonsense Bondita." Sampoorna chidded her.
" But...it is true. He is not interested in such things at all."
" Don't say such a thing Bondita !" Sampoorna could not believe Bondita was saying this.
" Why ? He is a true gentleman. He is not attracted to women that way for now..."
" Being a decent man is different Bondita. Don't ever say that to anyone about him. It is a wrong thing to say."
" How can it be wrong ?"
" Bondita..." How was Sampoorna supposed to tell her sister about the male ego attached to this. That saying a man is not capable to feel attraction to woman is basically saying he is not a man at all. " Just trust me. He is a good man. But having such desires doesn't make a person wrong."
" I am not saying he would be wrong to...I am just saying...he..." All three went quite for the lack of words to put Bondita's emotions into.
" Bondita...be honest..." Sampoorna kept a hand on her's. " Have you never felt anything from his side ? Not even once ?"
Bondita could not meet their eyes. Not just once. She had felt it...many times. And quite often too recently. These past few days it felt he was trying to say something to her. With his eyes. His touch. But she always was scared to read him. What if she was wrong again ? Their bond had been growing and they had reached a stage where she was inexperienced enough to not be able to differentiate between platonic and romantic. It is said a person who got a burn from boiling milk drinks even cold buttermilk cautiously. She was scared of assuming things.
" We...we are different Didi. He...is different. He can talk to me about...how my body is changing but won't touch me like a husband. He can teach me all about how a child is made and born but... won't have one with me. He can ask me about a bra but doesn't desire to see me in it. He...is not like that..."
" He is a man. All men are the same." Sampoorna stated. " And by the way your cheeks are coloring up I can tell you have felt it. Felt his desire..."
" They...are not desires..."
" Would you really call them as innocent...?"
Bondita could still feel his fingers up her leg, his nose buried in her neck. His eyes sliding down her rain drenched body and his wish...to get closer to her. Yes... something had changed. Was this what her Didi was talking about ? Him... being a man... " I... don't want to be wrong this time Didi..."
" You won't be Bondita. Trust him. And if not...trust the nature. Bondita...you would see those changes. Even he doesn't have a control on them. He would...one day come to you..." Sampoorna reassured her sister. " And in the future don't ever say he is not interested in such things." Sampoorna added seriously taking Sashwati in her arms now.
" Did I really say something wrong ? "
" Yes. If someone hears it, they will think wrong of him."
" Wrong ? How ?"
" Bondita. It is just... It is something related to his ego. Self respect. I can't explain it further just don't go around saying things like he is not attracted to women or have no desires. And don't ever say it to his face. Ever."
" He will get angry ?"
" More than that."
" But...I won't get angry if he said something like this to me."
" It is different for men Bondita. Wars can break out on things like that."
That serious it was ? It meant that much to men ? Would it still mean the same for Pati Babu ?
" Bondita...!" The voice across the door had the women startled. And why not ? The subject of their topic stood knocking on the door.
" Ji...!" Bondita replied putting her pallu on, scared he heard something. " Ji Pati Babu...it is open."
Aniruddh stepped in to two women staring at him and his wife hiding her face and something else under a pillow. " All three ?" He smiled. " Must be a gossip session."
" No !" " Not at all." " No. No."
" O...k..." Aniruddh looked from one to another and then to his little sister. " I was hoping to spend some time with her. " He smiled looking fondly at the baby.
" Of course ! You don't have to even ask. Here..." Sampoorna put her baby in Bondita's lap. " I was hoping to take a nap. You know it is impossible with her in the room." Sampoorna said getting up. " Tapur. Let's go. Bondita, bring her to me if she wakes up and troubles you."
Bondita looked down at the baby. " She won't..." Bondita whispered. " She is a heavy sleeper." Sashwati was. She did occasionally wave her little hands or feet but was not opening her eyes.
" Like someone I know..." Aniruddh stood near the edge of the bed looking down at them. Bondita sat in the middle of the large bed with a tiny baby in her hand at it...
" What happened Pati Babu ?"
Aniruddh didn't reply instantly. He had come for some happy time with his sister but instead was reminded of his baby that was no more. He cleared his throat and sat down, left foot folded under him, right dangling down as he looked at the baby in her arms. One finger he raised to touch her cheek.
" Pati Babu !" Bondita held his hand. " She will wake up."
" She won't. You know how she would wake up ? If I drop a glass near her ears." He smiled.
" You won't ! Stop teasing her. And...me."
" I am stating facts." He poked one chubby cheek and the baby waved her hand in her sleep like a toy. This little reaction filled his heart. " I have every right to tease her. I am her Dada."
" Batuk would be doing that enough for all three of you brothers." Bondita slowly swayed the baby and the movements stopped. Aniruddh slid up the bed and was now just by Bondita's side, looking down her right shoulder.
" I miss it..." He said in an even quieter whisper.
" Batuk ?" Bondita looked at him confused but felt her heart sink by the look on his face. Fixed eyes, bowed neck and tight lips. He was talking about their baby. His baby. Suddenly all joy of holding Sashwati turned into dread. She cradled her closer to her chest in hopes of getting strength for what was about to come. Was he finally about to tell her how exactly did he feel ? She had waited for this moment for so long. For him to open up to her about this.
" I should..." Aniruddh blinked back his tears. " I should probably go check on him. He too has to start school and has nothing prepared.
" Pati Babu..." She could not let him go. " You came to see her. Would you like to hold her ?"
Aniruddh looked at his sister again. He loved her the moment he had come to know of her arrival. " No..." He declined softly. Bondita felt desperate. He was suppressing it. His grief. Yet again. For how long would he hold on to it ? She knew he would just sit alone and let his tears flow. Alone. If he shared his pain with Kaka Sasurji, he might again start with something about his grandchild. If her Pati Babu would share it with her, she would feel sad. These things were most probably stopping him from sharing his pain.
" Stay...for a while..." Bondita requested. Sashwati let a small sneeze out making her bring her hands and knees closer to her chest and Bondita saw Pati Babu rub her little tummy softly.
" Maybe...for a while..." He smiled.
They sat there quietly for a while. He said nothing. Bondita knew it was her only chance to have him speak something. She might have to nudge him a little. Lose of her child was no easy task for her to speak about but she had to. For him. Maybe they both needed to vent out. Maybe it was her own chance too. She kept Sashwati between the pillows near the head rest of the bed and covered her up comfortably. " I...too miss it..." Bondita said. Their voices just whispers for Sashwati and the sensitivity of the topic. " I...might have failed to show it but I do. You...you must think what kind of a mother I was..." She chuckled sarcastically, sadly at what she felt was a truth " to not even...cry for my baby every now and..." Her chin was grabbed by his strong fingers making her face him. He looked a little angry. He had never been physically harsh with her. This wasn't much but she was used to much more tenderness from him and so his little roughness surprised her. But they were talking of their dead child. Things could not be normal.
" Don't ever say that again." He really was angry at her, she could tell. " There has never been a moment when I had not felt you realising your loss. The pain, the suffering you went through... even you don't know. I know...I saw you screaming..." Bondita was scared of opening her mouth again. " I saw you being scared of death. You were half unconscious, you don't know how you looked in that moment. I saw that. So I know...what you feel. Don't ever say such things about your self. About a mother. How can a mother not... feel the pain of her...ch...child... Bondita..." His fingers loosened and cupped her left cheek only then was she able to breath. " I know you...you didn't show it enough. I know that... because you were trying to cope with it. You were trying to not hurt yourself or...me. Don't ever explain yourself to anyone about how you miss your baby..."
" Your baby..." Bondita spoke as she saw his eyes soften. " It was...more of your baby than it was mine..."
" Bondita..."
" I was just... carrying it. You..."
" Bondita I am begging you... please don't say such things..." His face was closer and his fingers had slipped behind her ears creating a comforting tug at her hair.
" But it is the truth. Isn't it ? I...had never even thought of a baby. I...know what a mother is but had no idea about being one. You...you had wished for it, had you not...?"
" No..." He shook his head sitting a little straight, a little away. Not looking into her eyes. He was lying. " Listen..."
" So you will even lie to me now ?" She saw him look at her with guilt. " Why Pati Babu ? Just so that I don't get hurt ? What about you...?"
" Bondita...I didn't suffer as much..."
" Don't ever..." Bondita held his chin just like he had a moment ago. Her whispering had made it sound less threatening. If Sashwati had not been in the room her Pati Babu would have gotten a real earful. " Say that about yourself... about a father..." His brows quivered as if he was about to cry. " How can you say you didn't suffer much ? I...went through the physical pain was the only difference. I can't imagine how you must have felt... You...you knew we had lost...the baby instantly. Didn't you ?"
He shut his eyes tight and his head hung low. His well combed hair coming to her sight. She pulled up his face to look at him. " You knew... didn't you ?" She asked again. " And...you didn't get a chance to even cry for it because...I was in pain. How...how did you manage Pati Babu...? I... can't even imagine you in...in even a little pain. I can't even imagine..."
" Let's..." He held her face by her cheeks with both his hands. " Let's just say we suffered equally... Ok...?"
" But...you are still suffering..."
" I am not..."
" Then why did you not hold Sashwati today ?"
" It was not because of..."
" You still want a baby..." He stilled. " Don't you ?" He looked as if all his energy was drained out. His cheeks as if got drained of color. She didn't like it. " Pati Babu..." Bondita pleaded. " You do... don't you...?" She tugged at his hand to get a reaction from him but he didn't even blink.
Aniruddh wanted it. It was no hidden desire. He had never given much thought to it but the image of his future he had always had little children running along his feet. It had pained him deeply, seemed impossible till now. But now that he had decided to give happiness a chance, his dream seemed possible. Not today, not tomorrow. Not for a few more years but it did seem possible. Only...if she wanted it. And he remembered her wish to never be a mother again. He knew it was just grief that made her say that but he could not take it lightly. He could not just account it to her heavy emotions. There was a chance she meant it. She was tricked into giving up her body for a night, forced by situations to keep it a secret for so long, lost sleep and hunger over it, was force fed making her throw up again and again. If she said she didn't want to be pregnant again, would it really be her fault ? She was made to hate every moment of it. Had she been given the choice of abortion...
" Bondita..." He kept both his hands on the mattress for support. " My... choice of having a baby or not doesn't come above you."
" Just...a yes or a no Pati Babu..." She could not control her tears. " If...if everything was normal between us. Would you..." Sashwati let out a little cry indicating she was up. Bondita turned to massage her tummy to make her go to sleep again. All the time she had her back to him, Aniruddh didn't move an inch. Gathering nerves to tell her a truth.
Sashwati had quite down and Bondita turned to him again. " I have to...share something Bondita."
" Yes...of course..." She kept a hand on his shoulder.
" A confession..." Aniruddh had a weight on his chest for quite a while now.
" Tell me..."
" I...was told about something. Given... given a choice..." Bondita waited patiently. " Choice of... abortion."
" Abortion...?"
" Letting go of the baby...whi... while it was in...in..." Bondita removed her hand from him and he panicked. " Bondita... please... listen..."
" While it was in my womb...?" She kept her hands on her belly and looked at him like a lost child.
" Just please... listen. " He sat on his knees infront of her on the bed as she looked at him pleading for an explanation with her eyes. " Your... condition was not good. You were getting weaker and weaker and it was not good for your age. Doctor told me if...you didn't get healthy again we...might... So...so he told me about this option. He... recommended it. But...but..." Aniruddh rubbed his hands up and down his thighs in misery remembering it. " But...I was too scared. Too scared to even... speak about it...too scared..."
" Kill it... You... mean the doctor asked to kill..."
" No. No...it is not killing. It is not. It is just an option... option to save the mother... But...yes...it did feel that if I said yes to it I... would be killing...my own..."
Bondita sat dumbfounded looking at him, his face behind his hands, his shoulders heaving up and down. What exactly was the depth to his grief ? Given a chance to choose between his wife's health and his child. He didn't even tell her that. What... would she have done had she known...?
" I am sorry Bondita..." She was brought back by his voice. " I am sorry. I... didn't know what to do..." He rubbed off his tears as fresh ones came. " I didn't know anything. I didn't want to even speak such cruel words infront of you. The way...the method, the results... everything was horrifying Bondita. Everything. I could not b... bring myself to...tell...tell you..." His voice was breaking and whispering was making the words unclear to her. She pulled him closer by his hand and he let her. " Did...I take away your choice Bondita...? If...if..." He still could not say it. " You would have not gone through that pain. The endless days of force feeding, congratulations which felt like a burden, the shock, the fear of death... giving up the will to ever be a mother... could... could I have saved you from it Bondita ?"
He looked at her as if begging for salvation. Her own fingers quivering as they held his hand. She kept his hand on her belly and he looked at her with tear filled eyes. " Your...baby. Your wife. Your decision..."
" Bondita. No. No. No... It is your body. Final choice should have been yours. I...have nothing..."
" I was... still a child, I am still a child. I know...n... nothing. Had...had you told me about it, I would just have asked you to take the decision for me..."
" Bondita...you suffered so much..."
" Because...you chose to keep our baby alive ? How...is that wrong...?"
" But I failed. Didn't I...?" He looked at his hand on her. " I ended up loosing it and damaging you..."
" I...am alright Pati Babu. And...and had you asked me to...to..."
" Would you have...?" He asked.
" Had you given me the choice...no..." She replied truthfully. " Just like you..." She saw his eyes flutter with a tinge of relief. " But had you taken that decision on my behalf, I... would have trusted you...and...and would have...gone through it..." Aniruddh was left tongue tied. She would have...? Just because he asked ? When ever Aniruddh felt he had found the depth of her inner self he found he had yet not scratched the surface. Giving him the right to decide not only for her but her unborn child. He knew he was her guardian, she was his responsibility and he had every right to take decisions on her behalf but her actually handing over to him her life... could he ever be able to repay it ? How was she like this ? How was she so unbelievable ? " I...am growing Pati Babu but I am not a grown up. I still don't have that perception of things like you do and would never have that. You would always be more experienced. Always have more clarity. And I trust you. So...so much. The things I was going through then...I admit... I didn't know what to do anymore. It was your child and...you had every right to make a decision for your fifteen year old pregnant wife. "
" But...I still should have told you..."
" I don't know about that but...it is a good thing you... didn't... Or...I would have lived with the guilt you have in your eyes right now. Guilt of willingly loosing my baby or...the guilt of going through with it and ending up loosing it anyway. You...you saved me from... what you are suffering through..."
" You don't hate me for it...?" His hand moved over her saree.
" No..." She pressed his hand more. " No... And... I am sorry...so sorry..."
" Shhh... I should be the..."
" But I am saying it...so please just accept it. A small apology for everything you went through alone."
" I was never alone. Not in my happiness. Not in my suffering... Quite...but never alone."
Bondita took her time to note the creases of his forehead relax, the corner of his lips tipping upwards. " How...old would it have been by now...?" He asked.
" I am not very sure...six months... Six plus something ? Give or take. I...I don't know." She didn't want to count the days.
" This big..." He pulled his hand back a little to indicate the size. " Would have been your belly."
" This...big...?" She brought both her hands infront of her where his hand was still in the air.
" Hmmm..." He felt tears coming up again imagining her with a big round belly, and even chubbier cheeks. " And this round cheeks." He puffed his cheeks to show her.
" Like this...?" She copied him.
" Hmmm..." He could not control anymore and kept his forehead on her right shoulder in an attempt to hide his tears.
Bondita stroked his hair as they both shed silent tears. This time not for the baby, but for each other. For each other's pain and suffering.
" Did you..." She heard him mumble. " have even one...just one good memory of that time ? Was I... able to take...care of you...you...at all. Make you happy at all...?"
How could he even ask such a thing. Bondita breathed in his scent. It always calmed her. Made her loose all sense but still somehow cleared her fogged mind. " All day I used to feel I was running through a maze. Maze of... people pretending to be my well wisher. Trying to hide, trying to save myself. All... while waiting for you. And when I used to see you...it felt like I had found my destination. I dreaded the moment you would leave for work and kept counting minutes to your return. With every morsel of food I was forced to take, I wished for your presence. That poision like food felt like sweets when you fed me. You...were the only person I wanted. I wanted to be with you every moment, waking or sleeping. Make me happy at all...? You were, are and always will be...my happiness."
Aniruddh was breathing through his parted lips by now. Her words were his ointment to the open wound he had been carrying around. If...she would wish in the future, he would like to...love to give her that happiness. In real sence. Show her that it is not actually scary but very very fulfilling. He wanted to give his Bondita everything, even the experience of becoming Maa, only if she would allow him.
Bondita crossed her legs and kept a pillow on her lap indicating him to lay his head. He looked a little reluctant but she felt him easy as soon as his head sunk in the pillow. His hands made their way around her waist as he lay there missing his child, pressing his cheek to where the baby would have been had things been good. She had been so scared of it. Pregnancy. But she knew it was not supposed to be scary. It would bring joy. Joy to him. Happiness of being a Baba. She knew he wanted it. He had not answered that question clearly but she knew his wish. And her wish was to make his every dream come true. Even if it was a baby. She wanted to give it to him. It seemed a little impossible but maybe...like her Didi said...things had really started changing. She would love to give him a baby... if ever, he would have her.