Tried to publish it three times but some error kept blocking it. I don't know if the edited version got uploaded or the none edited one.
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The more Bondita avoided it, the more awkward would it get and she knew that. Ignoring him was not a good option since she knew he would too be a little shy talking to her after that.
He was. Aniruddh for a day or two didn't himself know where to look. Turn this way...it was Bondita. Trun that way, it was Sampoorna. And facing them both was humiliating after he got caught going through some personal items he was sure were never ment to be discovered by him. He was thankful Bondita was handling it well and didn't cut her time short with him. Neither Sampoorna behaved odd. Good. But whenever he saw Sampoorna only one thing came to his mind...she knew... And when Bondita stood infront of him...he knew. Knew what she might be wearing underneath. He should not be thinking of it but it was involuntary. She seemed uncomfortable at times. Had he not known the truth, he might not have caught on to her sometimes subtly adjusting it.
All this while his mind bore a real weight. A heavy one. Of guilt. Guilt that another woman had feelings for him.
Aarti...
It had been a week since then. He had not meant to hide it for so long from Bondita. Infact he would have told her the very day but things got derailed. And now Bondita was preparing for her final year of school. Getting new uniform made, planning the year, the excitement. She was not able to perform well last year as she was capable because of reasons unavoidable but this year she was determined to make up for it. Proud he was but she was also a wife. Unfortunately at the age where she should be only thinking of herself and her future, she was going to be burdened yet again. But she needed to know.
" Bondita..." Aniruddh sat in his study at the table as she sat on the sofa reading some story book after the breakfast.
She looked up. Every time she saw him these days, she was reminded of the feel of his fingers, the ones flicking the pages of some old book. " Ji Pati Babu..."
" When should we go for your books ?" He asked without looking up.
" Can we go this afternoon ? The weather is pleasant and Batuk would be free too."
" Ok." He saw her return to her book. " I have to talk to you." She looked up again. Shining eyes. Always at the prospect of a meaningful exchange with her Pati Babu. Aniruddh was nervous she won't look at him the same once he told her. Guilt was heavy on him. Maybe because once again there was someone...a woman... involved. His second marriage had not just shaken her trust him. It had destroyed whatever faith he had in himself. His fingers shook as he closed the book. He hoped she would understand he had not been looking for anything outside of this marriage. That he had not planned on attracting any one. That he was not at fault.
Bondita saw him take a seat across the coffee the table. He looked worried.
" Bondita...it is really important. I would not have said anything. Your new school year is starting and you are... happy. But...it really is important that I tell you." She brought her knees to her chest in anticipation, waiting. " Aarti... It is about Aarti."
" What about her ?" Bondita felt a little unsettled. Her Pati Babu had shared with her his dislike for Aarti's behaviour. She thought this was over.
" She came to me." Aniruddh emphasized. " She came looking for me the day you went for shopping. She shared something with me."
" What ?"
" Her feelings... about me. Bondita...she say...she says she likes me."
Of all the things she had running through her mind of the possibilities, this was nowhere near any of them. " What...do you mean she likes you ?"
" She said...so..."
" Oh. I get it. It is ok Pati Babu. You are misunderstanding her..." Bondita tried to find a way of hope as she cut him mid explanation. This was not as her Pati Babu was trying to imply. " Every one likes you. Everyone admirers you. You are their Barrister Babu. She...she too might have... meant..." Her words died down by the expression on his face. He was sorry.
" She said she loves me..." Aniruddh looked at her for a reaction.
" And what did you say ?"
" That...I was sorry..." Bondita was not even blinking. " And that I didn't want to meet her again." She still didn't say anything. " Bondita..."
" I really am a fool Pati Babu, am I not ?" She said after a while, coming out of her own thoughts.
" Why are you saying such a thing ?" Aniruddh shifted to the edge of his seat, knuckles tight over each other.
" But I am. I didn't see it. I just didn't..." She remembered how Sampoorna had acted. Her Didi had known. Maybe... even her Pati Babu... " Did you have any idea...she felt that way ?"
" Not a strong one but I...I could see the possibility. But I swear I had never ever thought about it or...or... Bondita..." He looked around agitated by even thinking about it.
Bondita looked at her knees, brows close together in concentration. " Is she wrong Pati Babu ?" Aniruddh found his focus on how lost she looked. " Is she wrong in loving...a man. Falling in love ?" Bondita was a little shocked by it but not worried. No...she had complete faith in her Pati Babu. It was not just Aarti. She had noticed many a young girls give him looks just like she received from men. But if Aarti's emotions were sincere, were they wrong ? Bondita knew how it felt to be told how wrong it was to fall in love by him, she had told that to herself too but did it stop it ? No. She fell anyway. Like she had no control.
Bondita looked at him. Was it really unbelievable that someone else might want him too. Did Aarti see in him too what she herself had come to see ?
" What kind of a question is that ? Ofcourse..." He fumbled with his words. The answer he knew was too complicated to put in words for a young girl who was just learning what love actually was.
" Oh..." Bondita blinked. " But...she must be hurt..."
" Y...yes. Maybe." He sat straightening his back. " But that is something I can not be concerned with this time."
" Pati Babu...why did she fall for you ? Knowing she can never have you. She must know too it is wrong."
Aniruddh knew he could not lie. Not to her. She was smart enough to someday find out the loop holes in his answer if he tried to make up a wrong, satisfactory one. And he didn't want to be questioned by her in future. She was curious. She wanted to learn. " Love Bondita...has no bounds..."
" No bounds...?"
" None..." Aniruddh vaguely smiled remembering his letters from London to his supposed lady love. " It flows over seas, it binds as a root. It liberates yet cut the wings. And some how no matter how much pleasure it gives...it still ends up hurting you. No matter how much it pulls you down, destroys you...it still makes you happy. Bondita...we, sometimes we choose who to fall in love with, like in marriages. We know this is the person we are going to spend our life and we love them. But sometimes...some people take risks..."
" What risks ?"
" Like... falling in love before marriage and fighting for it." Bondita knew that kind of love. She had read about it. " Some are not that fortune Bondita. Some end up getting just pain."
Bondita felt she was back in the hut again with him. Learning about the doha. " There must be some way to help them."
" None. There is no way to save someone after this. If it is really true...the love. Nothing can save you." Bondita felt each word sitting so well with herself. No matter how much he cared for her and showed, the pain of not finding what she needed was irreplaceable. " That is why there are so many rules Bondita. A distance between girls and boys. Sending away of a widow or not letting a man go near them. These...these were made initially to protect such feelings but then...they got twisted up really bad. That...that is what I think because..." He looked a little ashamed. " I was myself practising it."
" You were...?"
" I..." Aniruddh set his hair back with his fingers, a nervous habit of his. " I might have feared the very thing that happened. I saw how her...or any woman like her for that matter...how their eyes held an envy for the fortunate women of society. The spark I saw in Aarti's eyes when she visited here. All...they want Bondita is a home. A little love. A little smile. And...it is natural to look for it. That is what she did. She started looking for it and found it in a wrong place. I...do want to give them every thing. Every happiness...I try...so hard for it but... Bondita...I can't give them hope for something which a little impossible right now. The feelings she has developed are not rooted in my virtue as a good man rather the lack of one in her life. And...the more time she spent with me the more she was getting aware of her losses. And she tried to fill it with my...thoughts."
" That means...she is not wrong..."
Aniruddh glupped closing his eyes. " No...not completely. She is on the wrong path. That is true...but it might not be completely...her fault..." He didn't even know he was sure of it until now. But talking to her always cleared his own thoughts. A few days to think and a good discussion with Bondita told him Aarti was not a culprit. " She...is a victim..."
" Like you..."
Aniruddh's curious eyes met with her glossy ones. " What...?"
" Manorama Didi..."
" Bondita... I don't..."
" I am not accusing you Pati Babu..."
" I didn't say that..."
" I am just saying... Asking... It must have felt like that to you too. Having lost one love already. You had no love life and then were forced away from your loved ones. There...you found someone..." Bondita closed her eyes, a tear falling. She wiped it as Aniruddh once again saw the results of his worst slip up. Her tears. " Pati Babu... I... I am grown up enough now...to know that I...did not actually give you the company of...of a woman...a wife..." She opened her eyes again to see his. " You too must have...longed for it..."
" It was wrong of me Bondita..."
" I am not talking about your marriage with her. That was a crime. I am talking about... finding in her what you didn't find in your child bride..."
The shame and guilt melted and made its way through his eyes. " I am sorry. That is all I have...to ever be able to say for my..."
" I forgive you Pati Babu..." His head jerked up and she could make out his lashes trapping the tears. " Not for your marriage. But for your involuntary attempt of finding...love when there was none in your life..."
" I had you..."
" And apparently I was not enough that time..." She smiled a little sadly but with confidence. She had no regret in accepting the fact as they were. She was a child incapable of forming the attachments of an adult woman. Things she knew now...
Things she felt now...
His fingers roaming on her skin, the morning she woke up next to him trapped in his arms. She was learning about it just now. And now that she had experienced such emotions on her own, she knew for certain they were dangerous. Tempting. Like some evil. Like being possessed. The moment of weakness...the moment she would have done anything on his command. Pure...or not. Sane or not. And what was frightening was she wanted to feel it again. Wanted him to pull her strings again.
Aniruddh put his right hand on his mouth, elbow resting on his knee, an attempt to not cry.
" You were just on a wrong path. Not... completely your fault. I had always...told you I understood your position that time and that I want to forgive, that I did forgive you. But today...I think I am able to actually say it. You knew you were wrong and you still fell in the trap. For a man like you...it must have...hurt..."
Aniruddh sniffed still trying to maintain composer and not interrupt her. His only chance of ever hearing such things probably.
" You will forever blame yourself for it... I know... So... I don't have to do that anymore..." By this time all her tears had stopped replaced by a genuine smile. So this was being mature. This was loving the right way. Understanding why he made the mistake and helping him correct it. Liberate him of the guilt from her side. But by doing so she herself felt a weight lifting off her chest. Yes...it will always be imprinted in her mind that he fell for someone while she was in his life but now actually, completely understanding the dynamics of love between two adults, that it was not just words and emotions...it required a certain more, she could accept it better. That she didn't lack anything. That she didn't push him away. That it was not that there was a fault in their marriage. It...was a bad phase. He got caught up. It could easily have been her falling for someone else...who knows...?
Bondita looked at him as a little hiccup escaped his lips. A little like a chuckle. She could see his eyes shining. He looked thankful. She, like a baby rose up her arms infront of him signalling him to come to her. He saw that, took a moment, wiped his tears very vigorously and came to her from across the table sitting next to her right side, waiting expectantly. " Don't cry anymore Pati Babu. Ok ?" She scolded.
" I promise Bondita...you...you might have forgiven...me...but I won't forgive myself."
" I am sure of it. That is why I let go of that duty." She laughed a little looking up to him. He smiled a little and her heart melted again. He could shoot a bullet in her heart with that smile and she would still... forgive him. Maybe it was wrong. Wrong to give someone this much power over you. She didn't know if it was right to forgive him...but the hope she saw in his eyes, the light. His smile. If this was wrong...she didn't want to be right.
She knew...if the roles were reversed, he would do the same. Infact...he would blame himself even then.
Bondita placed her left palm over his chest watching his lashes flutter. She then slowly put her face over his chest and closed her eyes... breathing in, a satisfactory smile in place. His arms instantly circled her, pulling her to him. And just like that everything fell into its place.
Aniruddh had never been this thankful in his life. Just when he had decided to take his marriage to its next level, a fear that this might always cast a dark shadow over his attempts was there. But she took it away. Just like that. It should have been scary for her to acknowledge just how much she was willing to forgive to keep him near her but she did it with a brave face on. " Bondita...you have put me in your debt today. I would never able to repay it in this life." She looked up at him from his chest, the smile never leaving him. " It is a good thing you are my wife..." He lowered his head to whisper to her. " Not just this life, I have my ever birth to repay you."
" Pati Babu..." She felt her voice thicken. Did he just accept that he wanted her in this life and beyond ? " Every... birth..."
" Yes..."
Bondita felt herself shrink even more, her body melting with his warmth. "Don't ever forget it."
" Never..."
" I do trust you with my everything Pati Babu. And I am willing to forgive... again. And again...and again..."
" Bondita..." He cupped her cheek bringing his feet up on the sofa to hold her better.
" I still am not an ideal wife. I still can't...give you certain things. I know... But... Just...just come back to me. Always..."
" You should not say this..."
" But I am. This is my choice. Just...come back to your Bondita...ok...?"
" You are an idiot...!" He hugged her tightly putting his cheek on her head as she dug her face in his chest. It might be the softness of the moment that made her say this because the Bondita he knew would never take anything wrong done to her and just let it pass by. She was just too emotional right now. Nevertheless...it was precious to him. Her words. Her declaration. Her request. And he would honour it with every fiber of his body and soul.
" Your idiot..." She replied in muffled voice.
" My idiot..."
Aniruddh had bribed Batuk well to not accompany them to the market. Bribe and a little violence when thinks got a little tease type by his youngest brother. The results were soothing. She was sat in the motorcar while he drove peacefully...as it might appear from the outside.
Bondita on the other hand was grumpy. She was not that happy that Batuk didn't come because now she had to shop for him too but she was getting to spend time all ne with her Pati Babu so she didn't mind much. Or so she thought. Bondita glanced at the side mirror of the motor to glare angrily at the jeep following them. Two guards with gun stood and on the open jeep.
" Don't glare too hard, they will burn." Aniruddh smiled watching her getting ticked off.
" Were they necessary ?"
" Very much."
" Was..." Bondita glanced at the gun attached near his belt. It was th first she saw him carrying it this openly. " That necessary...?" She asked slightly hunting towards it but turning her face the other side quickly.
Aniruddh could understand it must make her uncomfortable more than the men he had put on their tail. " Very much." He said again. He might be worrying for nothing but it was for her safety. " While we are at it, don't know ander away, don't talk to strangers. Don't go anywhere without me and don't eat anything without me... even if it is prashad offered by someone."
" Tie me to your waist, why don't you ?" She grumbled from her seat, elbow on the window sill, face resting on her hand.
" Bondita..."
" It is for my safety. I know. Like... everyone has nothing better to do than be after me." Same soft tone and taunting words. But it was amusing to Aniruddh.
" Say what you want. Nothing can ruin my day today." He said with a smile enjoying the air hitting his face, hair dancing happily. It was true. He still knew very well that just because she said she forgave him might not actually be true in depth. Maybe it was the magic of the moment that made her say it. Fear of loosing him at the mention of another woman made her forgive him. It could be her illusion. But...it could always be true. Bondita was, as he had always known her, with the softest of heart. Forgiving Sampoorna and tolerating the brief return of her mama mami, people who literally buried her mother. Aniruddh had full understanding that his crime was unforgivable but if anyone had the strength to forgive even that...it was Bondita. And not just because she loved him but because she was just made of everything good that could be found in this world and to realise, yet again, that she was his...was making him smile ear to ear. Ofcourse...she had forgiven him in the past too but today her words seemed rock strong. And also ofcourse he knew just because she forgave him didn't mean his mistake was erased. Infact it made him even more determined...to make this work. Make his marriage work.
Roaming around the market was getting a little uncomfortable for Bondita. She loved having her hand in his but this was a busy public place and he had grabbed her hand as his f displaying it. His right hand had the hold of her left elbow as his left hand held her left palm. She was as if handcuffed. And men walking at either side didn't make it easy for her. " Pati Babu... let's just hurry."
" Hurry ? We just got here." He looked down at her. " You look troubled."
" I am. This is no fun. And... people are staring at me. At...us..."
" Really ? I don't think so."
" But they are." She strained her voice as he guided her across a corner of a shop. Did he want to pull her hand off its socket ? " They are looking at us wierd." As if on que, a woman passed them, her eyes glued to Bondita's hand in his.
" Don't worry about them." Aniruddh did understand what she meant. A man could not hold his wife's hand ? " Ok. Ok...let us do something fun. Kulfi ?"
Bondita's eyes lit up. " Yes !!!"
" I can almost see your mouth water."
" And chaat too !!!"
" And chaat too." He said laughing. They reached a kulfi stall at a less dense area under a large tree.
" Four !" She instructed the vendor. " Order for yourself." She said looking up to Aniruddh.
" Four are for you ?!"
" I used to eat four when I was a child. I can eat more now. Four because I can't hold more than that in one go."
" Waah waah waah waah...!"
" Yes ! It is praise worthy." She replied to his sarcastic praise. " But how would you know. You hardly come out with me."
" My mistake. Sorry. Bhaiya...just one for me please."
Loud drums and trumpets could be heard. Some holy procession. Well, no trip to market was successful without some form of noise and celebration on road.
" See Pati Babu ! They are taking Dugga Mama's murti ?"
" I am not sure...no. Ram Ji's..." He said as he saw the murti.
" Why ?"
" I don't know... Eat them first." He said taking her kulfi colored hand and pushing it to her lips. " You are getting it on your saree."
" Bhari Babu will wash it." She giggled.
Aarti was around buying some vegetables and other things from the market. Could she take a kulfi ? No... She counted her coins. She could not afford it today. But the sun was pleasent. The air filled with colors from procession and beats. She could guilt herself once. But her steps didn't carry her forward when she saw him under the tree.
" Here." Aniruddh put some money in one of his guards hands. " Get two handi...of roshogolla."
" Eight !!!!"
" Ten..." He laughed again. " Get ten. One for each one of you. Go." The guard started to walk. " Both of you. Go." Bondita could not be happier. " But come back soon."
" Thank you Pati Babu." She smiled. Just then a heavy spread of colours filled the air near them. " Pati Babu !!!!"
" Bondita !!!" Aniruddh panicked for a second. " Did it get into your eyes ??!"
" No !!! On my kulfi !!!"
Aniruddh saw her tucking them under her saree pallu in front of her. " You will spoil your saree Bondita. Your...your...skin will be all sticky !" She was holding them in front of her waist under her saree pallu.
" It ok ! But...my hair !"
" What about your hair !?" He asked yelling as the drums were now too near them.
" I washed them today. They will get dirty. Like yours !"
Aniruddh put a hand on his head. His head was full of powdered color. " Ufff !!! Not my hair !!"
" Your hair ?! I have four times the length of your hair. Please set my pallu right. Please !!! It has slipped half way !"
Bondita worrying for her looks. Beauty. It was a sight to behold. She still didn't have any colour on her as he was shielding her but she was having a hard time choosing what to protect. Looks or food. She had chosen her kulfi over her hair and now excepted him to take care of it. He brought the pallu down to her forehead using both his hands, his one kulfi finished long ago, and pinched the ends together under her chin like a mother ties a woolen scarf around her baby's face.
" What are doing ?" She asked.
" You look like a baby."
" I am a baby." She pulled out the kulfi before they melted completely. " They are half gone !"
" Finish them fast. You have to eat two more."
She didn't reply him as she brought the kulfi to her lips, finishing all four one by one in a hurry.
Aarti had known he treated her like child. Just like he was now. Feeding her sweets, taking care of her. Bondita looked like a baby licking those sticks in contrast to his polished, mature persona. He would never look at his wife that way. He could never...
But then...
" What are you laughing at ?" Aniruddh asked Bondita as she made no attempt to hide her teeth as he still held her pallu framing her round face.
" Your hair !! It is all red and yellow."
Aniruddh enjoyed her open laughter. It felt like ringing of bells at a temple gate. " Oh. Is it ?" He shook his head vigorously making all colours in his hair loosely fall on her.
" Hawwww !!!! Pati Babu !!!"
" Bondita...!!" He mocked her in her tone.
" Why did you do that ??!"
" Looks like I am not the only one with colours on them now." He said as a layer settled on her head still covered by her saree.
" Well at least I don't have a red nose."
" Red nose ?"
" Yes. You have red on your nose. You look like a joker."
" Joker...joker you say..." Said stepping closer.
" Yes !!!"
Aniruddh bent his head, brushing his nose against her. Moving his head a little back he saw all playfulness leave her as her eyes fluttered looking around in surprise.
" Pati Babu ! What are you doing ? People... people are looking !" She said pulling his hands down finally to free herself. Aniruddh could see she was not offended...she just felt concious.
" Did I do something wrong ?" He asked with a one sided smile.
" No...I am just..."
She felt him cup her face. His nose against her again. This time lazily swaying from one side to other coloring her like him. For a moment she forgot she was standing near a stall. That there were a few passer by that might look at them. Say things.
Aarti had just held on to your one hope. She didn't have his heart but no one else did too. He had not fallen for his smart, talented, beautiful and blooming young wife... that was she was holding on to. But what she saw... snatched away that one thread she was holding herself secure with. She saw him playfully nub Bondita's nose, saw the hesitation in her eyes... hesitation of lovers being caught. And it killed her when his hands reached her soft cheeks, nose, this time lovingly caressing her's. Aarti didn't know her eyes had gotten glossy, her hand had reached her chest. One moment...one moment changed her perspective of Aniruddh Babu's relationship with his wife.
He was just treating her like a child one instant ago and now...now...
Bondita this time consuming not help but smile. Shyly. Lightly pushing him away she said. " We are on the road..."
" You want to go home..." He did have a suggestive undertone. His new found freedom as a husband the day he decided to be one for her was giving him courage. Courage to tease her and melt her and mold her. And she reacted so beautifully every single time.
" For what ...?" Her head snapped up.
" Well I am all covered in colors and I can't stay this dirty. You know me. Why ? What did you think ?"
" Nothing...!" She said facing away. A mistake. She caught eyes of the woman she had a feeling she never wanted to see again. Aarti. Standing just across the narrow road. Not moving. Not looking away. Eyes steady on them. Bondita felt all fluttering her Pati Babu gave her burn away. 'Nothing can ruin my day today.' he said. Oh...this would. " Let us go Pati Babu."
What happened to her ? " Bondita..."
" Let us go." She said covering her side of face where Aarti stood.
" I...am sorry." Bondita felt bad. He was in such a good mood. Why ? Why didn't the world let him enjoy for once. " I was just... I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable." Aniruddh turned to look for his men.
" Pati Babu wait !!"
Too late. He spotted her. Aniruddh was not ready to let go of this moment with Bondita. Today he wanted to make it special. Written with time spent with her. Just the two days them. Was it too much to ask. He looked down at Bondita who had turned the other way. He knew what had turned off her smile. " Let's go Bondita..." He extended his hand infront of her from behind her back and she hesitantly took it.
Aarti could hear nothing but knew there off mood was due to her presence. But her own pain grew worse when she saw him take out his handkerchief, dip it water from the stall behind his back, turn to Bondita who was still facing away and wipe her hands with it from behind. His arms delicately circling her...finger by finger cleaning her hands and muttering something in her ears as she nervously glanced around.
Aarti could not take it anymore. She didn't know why she stood so long. Maybe because she wanted it all to be just her misjudgment and wanting to witness her fault in thinking thinks were way different than Aniruddh Babu had displayed before.
Books were delivered to the haveli by the evening. All those of the course and others Bondita had selected extra. Putting covers on them she sat in her room when Tapur came running to her.
" Didi ! Come fast !"
Bondita reached the top of the stairs with hurried steps when she heard loud noises.
" How could this happen ?!!"
" Malik I don't know but I heard a bunch of men talking like that."
" Are you sure Bihari ?" It was her Pati Babu. He looked. Enraged. Yet his words were spoken softly. She had now reached down, standing behind a pillar.
" It is true Chhote Malik. They...they know you...you spent the night...there. With...her..."
Bondita felt her feet shake.
With...her...
*******
I know the topic of Manorama and forgiveness and all this is a little repetitive but that is what I want to show. That in reality such things come up again and again and a lifetime is taken to resolve it. Even if it is solved, it comes up again. Such things are not solved or understood just over few conversations.
And wanted to show how gradually Bondita is progressing with positivity with realisation of truth and more intense, raw form of love, contrast to the soft romantic feelings she had started with.