Aniruddh was really bugged. Bondita always asked him for money since he started having g good earnings. He felt proud keeping money in her hands. Being from a privileged family he had to never think of a single Paisa in his life. Even today he wasn't contributing in the expenses of the haveli under strict order of his Kaka saying till the time he was alive no child of his was expending any money on things he had been handling long before any of them were born.
Aniruddh earned and invested, did social services with his money and saved it up. The only personal pleasure for him about that money was felt by him when he placed it in Bondita's hands. She rarely ever asked for it but whenever she did, he never said no. Paying for her fees, books and sweets made him feel he actually was taking her responsibility on his own. But Bondita had always needed money to either buy sweets or bangles. Sometimes dolls and bindiya sindoor. What else was there that she needed that her Kaka Sasurji was not providing ? That her Pati Babu would say no to ?
Aniruddh found himself in Bondita's bedroom this morning after raking his brain for what did she buy and not show him. She always showed him her purchase. He had been bit a cautious of what she was hiding after her one month silence of pregnancy. Who knew who did something or said something to her for her to hide something again. He just wanted to be sure she was ok. That is all.
That was all he had in mind when he saw a big shopping bag on her bed. She didn't unpack from yesterday ? Good. Good. But it would be wrong to go through it right ?
But would it be ? She bought them from a shop, the shop keeper knows it, Sampoorna, Tapur know it. Would it be wrong if...?
He stood close to the bag trying to peek in. Just a little hint. He lightly removed the handle of the bag to have a better view, maybe not that lightly because the bag came tumbling down the bed spilling it's contents to end his curiosity.
Panick.
Panick was the first thing he felt as he saw the bag roll off. Then...shock.
At first he could not be sure because he was not expecting it. But then he really could feel his heart thumping in dread. Was it...it was. It was... lingerie. Women's... undergarments.
Aniruddh clasped his hands to his mouth. He should not be here. He should not have come here looking for anything because what he found was beyond his capabilities to handle. How...how did he not think of it before ? Bondita obviously needed those...but... Just like he knew she would be going through menses but had not thought of teaching her about it till it was too late, even sex...he taught her after they...
And this too. But this time it was hardly his fault. He could not go around teaching her how to wear...wear...those. He hardly had any idea of such things himself. He didn't go around thinking what kind of underwear women used. In London... boys, his friends used to talk of such things. Something called...a brassiere...was getting really popular there. Being a young teenaged boy he obviously was curious but not hollow enough to think of them like those boys. And was it even a thing in Bharat ? Is it being...used here too ? These British got even this here.
Aniruddh had a flash of way too many thoughts in a little span of time. He needed to get out. Just get out. With really soft steps and no more sudden movements he turned at his spot to come in direct eye contact with... Sampoorna. A pool of intimate clothing at his feet he stood caught like a deer. He had not noticed Sampoorna was almost inside the door. Almost. Covering her face with her pallu she looked back at him accusingly...that was what he presumed. Sampoorna didn't waste anytime turning swiftly, knocking the door by her elbow mistakenly while doing so and walked away as fast as she could.
" Sampoorna Didi ?" Came Bondita's voice from inside the bathroom. " Good you came ! I am stuck !"
Aniruddh was sure he would have a heartattack. Should he run ? Should he wait ? She knew someone was here. Would Sampoorna tell on him ? Wait...she said she was stuck. That meant she was not going to be able to come out. Good. He would just stuff everything in and move out. Like nothing happened. Yes.
He bent down not sure if he should be even near such personal items. Why did she get...so many ? Were they...in sets ? 'Shut up Aniruddh !' He needed to hurry. He put his one nervous, very nervous left finger through the loop of one of the bands of a brassiere when he heard the door of the bathroom click.
Bondita was trying on a brassiere and modern underpants for the first time. She had informed Sampoorna Didi she would need help last night itself. She just hoped it won't be noticeable. Not that her Pati Babu actually paid attention to her physical appearance but still. She stood infront of the mirror, saree wrapped and flowing to the bathroom floor trying to hook the brassiere. What was the point of inventing something this personal when it could not be worn without help. Her traditional attire, choli , blouse as the English called it, had hooks in the front. But this...!
She felt some movement in the room. Must be Didi. But she wanted to try it herself first. Ofcourse she was ok to go infront of her Didi like this but it was something about the way she looked in her newly bought...clothing. It made her look different. Feel different. The cloth made her feel naked. Just like she would feel if her pallu falls down. She knows she would still be covered but it somehow felt too exposing. Same with this. And more since it made her body look different. Was this even ok ? Would he... aprove of it ? Ufff...! How was he going to even know about it ? No chance.
Bondita heard another noise and decided she needed help after all. Covering herself up with a towel and her saree with half an unhooked brassiere underneath. She opened the door stepping out only to find an image that would forever haunt her. Her Pati Babu, on his knees on the floor with one finger in the air from which was dangling one of the five brassiere she bought. He had noticed her.
Aniruddh knew he was done for as soon as he heard the door open. What excuse would he give for this ?
" What are you doing...??!!" Came her shrill question jerking some sense into Aniruddh. He threw away the item as if it was on fire.
" N..n... nothing. Nothing...!" He said bringing his hands to his knees in surrender. Bondita noticed the wide opened doors of her room and ran to close them. Sampoorna Didi could come anytime, if she saw this... what would she think of them ?
" P... Pati... Babu... What are you doing ???!!" She asked again.
" It ..was an accident. I swear Bondita !"
" I can see that !!!" She said holding her towel around her chest tight. Ofcourse it was an accident that was why it all lay scattered infront of him like this. " I meant... what were you...you doing with..."
" I...was placing it...back...!" He replied still his hands on his knees, too scared to move in case he came in contact with another thing. Scared to look at the floor where the said things were. He saw her get down to her knees and begin picking up her things. She was having difficulty in holding her towel and keeping things in the bag. He picked up the bag to which she gave him a very odd and curious look, and he opened it wide for her to set things in it properly. She seemed to appreciate it but didn't say much as she started shoving them inside the bag while Aniruddh tried to look anywhere but her. Once she was done she snatched the bag from him and held it close to her.
" I...I can... explain..." She said in a soft voice and it mushed him instantly. They both got up.
" You don't need to..." He said nervously stuffing his hands in his pockets.
" I was just..." Was she about to cry ? Aniruddh panicked. Oh this was going so wrong. She didn't need to defend herself for this. And how would he console her in this state. From what he could guess she sure was wearing nothing under that towel which he realised just now and she had completely forgotten. " I just... wanted a little..."
" Bondita...this is not the right...way to talk about it. It...is my fault. All mine. I am so sorry...I should not have come here like this..."
" Why...?" She said wipping a tear from the corner of her eye. " This is your room..."
" It...is but...I..." Aniruddh closed his eyes tightly. He had embarrassed himself enough for one day and he was making her uncomfortable too. " You...you said you had gotten stuck..." He asked trying to change the subject and moving towards the bathroom door. " Is this ok ?" He went inside to turn the knobs. They were working. He came out. " Is everything ok with your bathroom ?" He asked. This would give them something to talk about to normalise this before he went away.
" Y...yes..." Bondita turned away from him. Doing so she realised she was still half clothed in a way. This time she didn't worry about her not wearing a blouse, infact what she wore underneath the towel was the trouble.
" Shower, taps... everything is fine...?"
" Yes..."
" Then...where did you get stuck ?" Aniruddh glanced towards the bathroom again nervously.
" Pati Babu...it is alright. I...I need to change..." Aniruddh looked towards her. So she had finally realised her condition. " I... I... mean..."
" Yes yes. Ofcourse." He was more than ready to run out. " I will be on my way..." He said rubbing his hands together and moving towards the door.
Bondita would send him away, fine. But who was going to help her get out of this ? She seemed to have stuck a hook at the back. She didn't know what she did but it was not completely done and something in the back was pinching her skin.
" Pati Babu..." He turned at the door towards her holding the towel way too tight. " Ca...can you send Sampoorna Didi...?"
He was sure he was going near no Sampoorna or any other woman today. No. Not after what she saw. " She...she is busy Bondita... I... I...just saw her... No point...in calling her..." He gulped nervously.
Bondita was in a situation. She needed her Didi. Koyeli won't be able to help with this morden thing, would she ? Tapur... " Then...Tapur..."
Aniruddh actually saw her with Som this morning reading books or something. He needed to check what was going on there...but later. " She is with Som... Can...I help you...?"
" No !! No..."
" Bondita..." He really looked worried about her. But then it clicked. He had asked her to come to him for any help. Even if she was indecent...her first thought should be to call him. She would have not troubled him had she any other options...but could she ask something like this to him ?
" Will...you judge me..." She looked at her feet " if I... Nothing Pati Babu. I will handle it..."
" Just ask..." Aniruddh had a feeling that it had to do something with the towel she had on and the contents of the bag. Was it ? " I...won't judge you..."
" What if..." She asked looking at him with those round eyes again, the grey towel covering her neck and half her face making it seem her cheeks rested on it. Aniruddh was tempted to pinch her cheeks but held himself back by the severity of the situation. " You find it offending ?"
" I won't..."
No need to stretch it, was there ? " I am stuck...in...in that thing..."
Aniruddh had a little, very little panic attack even though he had an idea of what she could be talking about. But he could not show that. " Stuck. Ok...h...how exactly...?"
" I don't know..." She shut her eyes tight " I was just... trying it on and I...must have...I don't know..."
" You...want me to..."
" Help me out of it..."
Aniruddh let out a long breathe. He could do it. He could help her. He had been preaching just about a situation like this to her and she was working on it. Confiding in him, coming to him, trusting him. " Sure..." He answered.
" How ?" " How ?" They both asked in unison.
Aniruddh cleared his throat. " Turn... around..." She did. " Let the towel go..."
" Pati Babu...!??!"
" Just..."
" I am not sure...!" Her voice was overcome with shame and fear.
" Trust me. Let it go..."
Bondita didn't know if this was right. Was he really asking her to...to... ' It's ok Bondita... It is just him. Your Pati Babu. Helping you. And he would just see your back... naked back...' Collecting every ounce of strength she slowly slid the towel off her shoulders exposing them to his surprised eyes. She was shook when he grabbed the edges towel from behind and covered her up again, his hands infront of her securing her dignity.
" What are you doing ??!!!??" He almost yelled in her right ear.
" Y..y..you...you asked me to...let the..."
" I meant drop your hands from the towel not drop your towel. Bondita...wh..." He shut up feeling her shivering back against him. Just a moment...a moment he took to relish the faith she had in him that she was about to...expose herself infront of him at a simple command even after he could clearly feel how scared she was. And just like that, her one spontaneous almost mistake made this whole moment wholesome. Empowering him. She trusted him so much. How was she...this amazing without even trying ? " I am closing my eyes Bondita...ok...?" Without moving much he turned the towel around her so that it opened at the back and covered her front completely. " Tell me...what do you want me to do..."
This...this sentence...these words could lead to so much she was not aware of. But he was. What would she want him to do...to her... The thoughts, the possibilities...
" Just... open the...the hook...I think I hooked it wrong." She informed nervously.
Aniruddh vaguely remembered what his friends talked about in London. Apparently, according to them, it was quite tough to get it unhooked. Only...expert fingers could do it in one go. He felt his fingers sweat. ' No need to be all panicky, this is not a situation like that !!!! Aniruddh !!! Focus !!!'. He put one right finger very gently on her back, as he still loomed over her shoulder with closed eyes, and it drew a reaction from her. Her back arched away in response.
" Sorry..." They both mummered at the same time. He tried again and she tried to not faint as his finger slid down her spine. He felt the hook and all his fingers tried to figure out what could be done and Bondita was sure he had no idea what this was doing to her. She felt both his hands now roaming her back in feathery touches, she knew he was being gentle to not startled her but it was way, way more intense for her than he wanted it to be.
This was not working. He had never seen a brassiere before this close, not many women wore them in London too, and... whatever. Whatever! He was a man and had no idea how these things worked. " Bondita...I...I might have to look..."
" Ok." She replied instantly as if holding her breath. She was. She wanted this to be over before... before...she... turned to him. Before he found out she was yet again feeling things he had forbidden her.
Aniruddh stepped back to look at her... problem. ' Compose yourself Aniruddh.' Yes. Breath in. Breath out. It was way too many seconds later that he noticed the source of her trouble. Good. Now focus. The last hook was attached with the first one. Ok. Just a simple thing. Like the hooks of his kurta. He pulled at it and she winced. " What happened ?" He asked scared.
" Nothing...it is just a little...tight."
" Then why did you...buy such a thing...?" He said pulling it again and trying to unhook it.
" It...it is supposed to be that way..." Aniruddh was puzzled. It was ? And how was this tiny hook so much more complex than the one on his kurta. Everything related to a woman was complex. She winced again. " Pati Babu... something is pinching me..."
Yes. The price tag had gotten mixed in all this, the hard piece digging into her skin under the elastic band. He unhooked the brassiere finally and could feel her relax.
Bondita kept a hand on her chest. Finally over.
" Do...you...I mean...you wanted to...try it..." Aniruddh asked hesitantly.
" Yes... To...to decide...if I wanted to keep...keep this or return..."
" Should I...hook it... correctly...?" Aniruddh was rubbing his sweaty hands on his pants right now. How could he be calm ? Just a little view of her bare back had him sweating like a teenager. It was her, Bondita. Bondita was standing in front of him like...this. And the fact that he didn't want to turn away was messing up his gentle manly thoughts.
Bondita thought about it for a moment. Well...all that he had to see, he had seen already. It won't do any harm. " Yes..." She was not sure he even heard her soft agreement. But then she felt those gentle fingers again hooking it up one by one.
Aniruddh was done with the task...but not his intensions. " The price tag... should I...? Break it...?"
" Hmmm." She responded.
He took his time to pull at it lightly without hurting her, it didn't give off.
" Just cut it with a scissor." She suggested getting ticklish by his trying finger.
" No. I can just do it with my hands..." He said without thinking much, rolling the string around his finger and giving it a strong tug.
She winced by the force maybe because everything was just too sensitive for her this moment. And that little sound did something to him, same as the strong firm tug shook her. " I am sorry..." He saw a little red mark where the tag had rubbed it self making her uncomfortable before. He unconsciously placed his cold hand on it making her shudder again. He was completely unaware when he turned her to face him and she didn't resist. His hands didn't leave her back for even once and his fingers were playing on their own. Before they did something unforgivable he tried control himself.
" Bondita..." The husky voice made her eyes close. His hand splayed on her back over the towel was as if demanding her to submit. And she wanted to. If...he did anything right now...she won't be able to stop him. She didn't want to stop him...
Aniruddh knew that quite well. Her parted lips, her shy lashes fluttering and her rugged shallow breathing. She didn't know what was going on or what he could do if this goes on. She was not aware of her surroundings... Such... tempting a sight. Her nose pin, even that shone against the contrast of her dewy pink skin. He was going mad.
" Bondita...I...I think you should... put on... something..." He didn't want her to. He didn't. He didn't. He wanted to infact witness what he had just helped her with. The black band visible on her shoulder, peeking out.
Bondita was awakened by this. What...was she thinking ? What...? Yes. She needed to wear something. Yes. She, with much much difficulty stepped back not able to look at him. Shaking, she collected her saree pallu from the floor, and hurriedly stepped towards the bathroom. And shut it with a thud.
What just happened ?
Aniruddh stood looking at the door behind which he could clearly see her outline through the glass and he knew she was thinking that too.
What just happened ? Everything. Everything.
He had not dreamt something like this could happen. All this shopping business. He could never have guessed she went out shopping for such a thing and that could lead to something like this. Did he just help her get out of and into a...a... ? Men, boys...teens... talked about those things in hushed tones. And he found himself even unable to think clearly of it. He walked upto the door of the room and opened it, the sound alerting Bondita.
" Pati Babu wait..." He froze. " Don't...go. Please. I ... want to, I need to talk..."
Aniruddh was sure she wanted to explain why she had gotten herself such a luxurious item. But she owed him no justification. And to tell her that, make her understand that, he needed to stay. And he did...
Looking around, he had never felt so out of place in his own childhood bedroom. He didn't know where to sit, where to stand, where to look anymore. He just waited for her to come out.
He had wanted this, right ? To progress in his marriage. This was also a part of it. A part he voluntarily tried to not think of but it kept on manifesting itself. He wanted to give her everything, slowly. So she cherished everything, understood everything before going to the next stage. The soft looks of admiration, the unexpected spontaneous meaningful and aimless gifts, late night conversations, sharing of wishes, knowing what she liked, romance... everything.
She was too young to be able to get out of the consequences if he made a mistake. The touch of desire, want...the first one ever she got was from that Thakur. He had hurt her so bad that it ruined the image of true and pure desire in her mind. The way that man might have looked at her...must have made her hate men.
It should have been him...her Pati Babu...the first man to ever touch her like that, to look at her like that should have been him. He...he would have not scarred her like that. But he could set things right now. She too had overcome her fears for it gradually and he would change her view, tell her, show her that it could be beautiful... beyond imagination...to be touched by someone with a pure heart.
All gradually...
Tapur yet again found herself in the company of Somnath and they were among books. Again. Surprise. Did he do nothing else than studying ?
" Yes..." Somnath said. " I don't do much except studying."
Did she ask that out loud ? " I was just... wondering. That is all."
" I got the admission because of my Baba. I want to prove to him and everyone that I actually do deserve it. That is all." Somnath didn't know how was he able to open up to her but it felt right for some reason.
" Oh." She replied opening the book again. " I get you. I too...feel or say want for my Thakuma's patients to trust me too. I mean I too can do a few menial things but... somehow I am not able to prove to them that I might do a good job. It takes time but I... Maybe I am not made for it."
" You want to be a vaidya too ?"
" It would feel good to put my knowledge to some work. I won't even call that knowledge, just some...tricks I picked up from her."
" It is unusual..."
" For a girl like me to dream ?"
Somnath felt he had somehow offended her again. " I didn't mean that."
" It is ok if you think so. I mean everyone thinks that. Illiterate, my Thakuma was too but she did more than just good. Not everyone has what it takes." Somnath understood she was not offended. She was rather dejected.
" It is not necessary to do something that she did. I mean...I..."
" So you think I should not persue it ?"
" I am just saying don't hurt your thinking of things you can't get." Somnath didn't know what he said was right or wrong but the glow in her eyes went off. Just like that.
" Don't dream you say."
" I didn't say that..." Som defended himself.
" You meant that."
" It would hurt you to go that way."
" How ?" She was not even arguing. She was asking for one valid reason that made him ask her to give up her dreams no matter how impossible they were. To not achieve it was one thing but she was not allowed to even think of it ?
" Even if you do manage to help your Thakuma, you still would have to give it up one day."
" Thakuma didn't."
" Because she is not married. But you will...one day and..."
" Right. " She knew it. She had thought of it many times. " No man would ever accept a working girl to be his wife or if he did marry me he would ask me to give it up."
" I am sorry... This is just the way..."
" It is ? For everyone outside this haveli, it is true. Tell me Som Dada... what do you think of it ?"
Som felt himself come to a tough position. He didn't mean to hurt her. He was just stating facts. She was going to be married soon in some big family with money and status. Thakuma would settle for no less. Who would like their Bahu to work ? Not every husband was like his Dada to be able to fight the world for his wife. She would get hurt keeping high expectations. " Tapur...I don't want to hurt you but...you must know the world is not that kind."
" Neither are you." She just whispered looking at the book infront of her making something tick off in him. " Either dream or get married. A girl can't have everything." She smiled sadly. " Thank you. Coming from a man like you...it means a lot. I really should not think of it then..." She closed the book and slid it towards him. " I guess I don't need this anymore."
She went away leaving Somnath feeling as worthless a man his Dada so hated.
Aniruddh sat infront of Bondita on the bed waiting for her to say something. She put something in his hands. A magazine. " I saw an advertisement of it in here." She told him. " I...was not sure what it was actually and I didn't have courage to ask you. I don't even know if it is ok to...we...wear this but..." She felt very conscious sitting infront of him knowing he knew what was underneath her saree. She had asked about it in the shop and only English customers frequented the there. An Indian woman buying such a thing was once in a blue moon. " I faced a problem in school on almost daily basis. I can't say if you would... understand it or...not but... I..." This was embarrassing. " What happened that morning in the study, you...saw..."
" It is ok..."
" Infront of you... maybe. But not infront of the entire school." Aniruddh closed his mouth. " I was not able to run or play anymore without... drawing attention." He caught the drift. " It was very uncomfortable. And during rain or... anything like that...I had to be extra careful. Keeping my dupatta glued to me, not going anywhere. Just sitting in a corner for a whole different reason. And don't tell me it was ok that you saw... I mean...you know it was not intended. It was embarrassing Pati Babu..."
" I didn't see much..." What was he saying ?!!
" But you saw something." Bondita remembered the embarrassing moment. " I wasn't aware of it and that was what was disturbing. It was infact good it was just you and no one else."
" I am sorry..."
" For what ?"
" It didn't occur to me that you might...need some adjustments regarding that. I was not aware of such a problem or that it had a solution."
" You can't protect me everytime from every small thing."
" But I want to..."
Bondita smiled lightly. " You can't. There are... things I can't share with you Pati Babu now that I am... changing..."
" I realise that." He said.
" And I don't like it. I don't know if I should be... wearing it or not. If it is ok. I just read about it and wanted to give it a try and after that morning I decided to go for it."
" So you would be... having...it on..."
" Only in school." She answered before he could complete his question. " Or... wearing really, really light blouse. And I will take care to not be as oblivious as I was in front of you." She added.
" I am sorry it is not easy for you. Women...go through things we men don't even know exist. I too didn't..."
" It is not your fault. "
" You could not even share it with me. You could have asked for the money from me. Why Kaka ?"
" He didn't ask questions." She smiled mischievously.
" I... don't ask those many questions Bondita."
" You do. And...and I was a little ashamed in asking him too formuch. Sampoorna Didi payed for some of those."
" Are they that expensive ?" It was way too much money for...so little fabric.
" Yes."
" O...k..."
" Can you...pay her back for...me ?" She asked for another favor.
Aniruddh had not forgotten how Sampoorna caught him red handed and so he absolutely could not go there paying her back for those things. Never. He would rather jump off the roof. " You want your Pati Babu to get slapped by his Baba ?"
" Why would he..."
" Paying such a small amount to my Zamindar Baba's wife...being his son..."
" It was not small amount..." She had received much too expensive items than this from her family but something like this, it didn't feel good coming from her Sasurji's money.
" It is for him. And I don't think he would appreciate it. And neither would Sampoorna." He still didn't like the idea of his wife getting something like that which was not from his money.
" Ok..."
" And Bondita..." He added softly. " Don't ever think about explaining yourself to me for such personal things. It is your body, you know what it wants. What it needs. If you want...you can share it with me, ask about it but never, ever explain yourself for such things. Ever..."
" But...I just thought...since no one wears it. Even the people in the shop looked like they were judging me. Because I am an Indian or am I too young...I don't know. It just felt too provocative, buying this. It felt, doing something on my own for myself, a bit odd. You have done everything for me till date. Even my...pads...you had them made for me. Women still judge me when I tell them about it. But I knew it was right to use a pad because you told me. But this time I didn't have your opinions and it was a little...not that encouraging."
" You don't need my opinion on everything."
" This is where you are wrong... I do." She looked at her hands on the bed infront of her. " I...do need your opinion..."
Aniruddh was no expert. " If you think it is ok, try it. Your problems...I know there are much more than you just put to words and I can't imagine them so...do whatever feels... comfortable because..." He stopped. It felt quite tight while he was hooking it up. She said it was supposed to be that way. He didn't want to pry much but was it not going to dig into her skin ? The thought was alone enough to make him uncomfortable. " Is it...is it comfortable...?" He finally asked the question itching him with lowered eyes.
" No..."
" Then..."
" I will get used to it..."
It was his chance to just let her do her thing. She was right. He had handed over to her pads. This was not more than that. Not more embarrassing than that, if by any chance any of this should be considered embarrassing in any term.
She knew what she wanted.
Bondita saw him leave and sighed. She could not believe she actually was able to sit with him after...that. Talk to him.
He said she only knew what her body needed, wanted. He might be right.
But then what was that, what was it that her body wanted when he had his fingers roaming her bare bare back ? What did it want...?
She didn't know...
But she knew he would know exactly what it wanted. He might be able to give it that...that what it had craved in that moment.
Only if she had courage enough to ask him...