"You betray us, then you disappear. Then all of a sudden we could not sense you! We thought you were fucking dead! Then after two weeks, we find you and... and then..."
"You broke our mate bond."
"Within the first week that you were gone, you were fucking someone else. Just in case that helps you remember."
"Well, we do remember the series of pain. Clearly, if I may add."
Having finished one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight – yep, eight, I nodded at myself, proud that I've counted the empty bottles correctly (I think) – I let out a long sigh.
I jumped down from my tree hole straight down to the ground. I fell because I couldn't keep my balance in check.
I walked and walked and walked, swaying from side to side while crying - unsure of where I was going. At times, I paused then screamed "I'm so fucked up!" Then I proceeded to walking aimlessly again.
"Well, well, well. What do we have here?" A familiar voice said in a sing-song voice. "Oh my, oh my, it's little Belle."
I laughed at his theatrics and did a curtsy as if I was a princess, or ballerina, or... whatever.
"Well hello fair sir, indeed it is I, little Belle." I chuckled, sniffing the waters in my nose.
"Ah, I see. The little princess has been crying?" He smirked.
"Oh, I'm glad your eyes are well." I did a little pirouette.
"And you come running right to me?" He mocked with his devilish grin.
"Whatcha doing here anyways?" I asked like a typical intoxicated person while tapping his nose with my index finger.
"Your breath fucking stinks with wolfsbane. How much did you even take?" His face crumpled and I giggled.
"You ugly, Jordy." I continuously pried my hands on his face.
"Whatever. I should be the one asking you. What are you doing here?" He raised his brow and took my hand off his face. "FYI, you're in my territory."
"I am?" My eyes widened.
"Yep." He said popping the 'p'. "It's been long since I last saw you. And I've been hearing a lot of... stories." He grinned smugly.
I tilted my head to the side. "I'm no fairytale princess 'though."
He laughed. "Aren't you adorable?"
"I am." I tilted my head to the other side. "Well, I'm not adorable. F Y I. I'm awesome. Ha ha ha."
"L O L, pretty little Belle."
"Don't imitate me, Jordy." I pouted. "Are you gonna kill me or we gonna fightie?"
"Nah, don't worry, I'm not going to kill you."
I exhaled loudly and wiped my forehead.
"Killing a pretty little thing like you would be such a waste. You are such a jewel after all, oh great black wolf." He mused.
"H-how did you-"
"I've made a deal with your little devil." He smirked.
"Huh?" I raised my brow.
My mind's getting heavier as the seconds passed. The alcohol and wolfsbane just decided to kick in that moment.
"... plans... Ashley... stupid... witch... lucky... you are... power..."
My head was spinning and it's like everything was in slow-mo.
It was his jerky shit face that I last saw before everything turned black.
I woke up to an intense hangover. Luckily, it seemed I had been cleaned up.
"You're awake." An exotically gorgeous woman greeted me with a smile.
She had long black hair that fell up to her lower back in soft, sleek waves. Her skin's tan and flawless. Her face was beautiful and her eyes were the darkest shade of brown I've ever seen, which could be easily mistaken as two reflective black orbs.
She didn't smell like a lupi, but she didn't smell like a regular human either.
"Who are you and where am I?" I questioned her as she walked closer to the bed with a tray in her hands.
"I'm Dashia." She placed the tray of food on the bed and extended her hand towards me. I took her hand and shook it. She smiled at me and I smiled back, 'though my smile was very small. "Eat." She insisted, directing her eyes on the food.
"Thanks."
I began to eat. "So... where am I?" I remembered being with Jordan the night before.
I almost choked. But Dashia handed me the glass of water which I was very thankful for.
"Am I at Jordan's?"
She nodded her head, chuckling. "Don't worry, he's a good guy."
"Uhm... are you... Uhm... his Luna?" I asked bashfully.
She laughed harder, shaking her head. "No." She stopped laughing. "Sadly, no."
"Sorry for prying." I said apologetically.
"No worries." She smiled at me again.
The bedroom door suddenly opened and revealed Jordan, who was grinning like the Cheshire cat.
"She's been fed now?" He asked.
Dashia looked at my now empty plate and nodded her head, grinning.
"Shall we start?" Jordan's grin widened.
"Sure." Dashia's grin also widened.
"Hey, uhm, guys? What's happening?" I asked them.
Their focus shifted towards me. Dashia whispered something which seemed like an enchantment in a foreign language, and I instantly felt the heat coming back. Jordan's eyes turned black and he eyed me hungrily.
I don't want to go further down that memory lane.
I mated with someone other than my mates.
I also mated with a female which was not the gender I was designed to mate with.
I lived with them. Willingly. Sickly happy. Not giving a damn about my mates.
~
It's been two awful months since I've recovered my memories. I still can't find the courage or strength to confess to Luca and/or Euan about those two fucking weeks.
There are no days nor nights when I don't feel like I want to kill myself. The guilt and self-contempt are killing me every second I'm awake. During my sleep, the gruesome memories keep on haunting me. To sum it all up, I've become a warm body walking, who's dead and cold in the inside. My body's on the ground, but my heart's already six feet below... and still counting.
I, feeling fucking mortified, do my best to please my mates and be on my best and sweetest behavior ever since I regained those hell-damned memories. Of course, they did find it weird that I suddenly did a 180-degree attitude swing on them; but, nonetheless, they are pleased. We were literally locked up in our room for a week. I don't think I need to state what obviously happened there and then.
Two weeks ago, Euan and Luca decided to go back to Siberia to do further research, claiming most ancient scriptures about our kind can be found back there.
Who am I to stop them? If only I can 'man up' and tell them about my debaucheries, then maybe things would be easier for them. They can just reject me and go back to their homeland and move on.
They make sure to video chat me once a day.
And yes, we might have had cybersex. Keyword: might. But then again, that would be an obvious white lie. Well, duh, my mates are healthy young men after all.
Last week, Trey have been released from the prison cell. Basically, no charges other, than rape and duress, can be held against him. And I, the victim, of course, don't even want a trial. Plus, even if those cases can be brought into our court-martial by a third party, I didn't let any of those who knew about the things Trey did to me – who are the same people during the meeting where I first met my mates – to push it through. I may have gotten very dramatic about it. I was like "save me from the utter humiliation" and stuff like that. Don't forget to add the oh so dramatic and theatrical emotional outbursts I had for effect. I also pleaded with Carter not to file charges against Trey for serious physical injuries and duress, which no one else besides the two of us knew about. And so, they couldn't really keep him in there.
Since his release, Trey and Ashley have been spending a lot of time together. I can't deny that something in me dislikes them being together.
Jealousy.
A voice in my head keeps on whispering that.
Presently, I am waiting for my mates' call.
The blue phone icon pops up on my screen and the funny, bubble-y ringtone sounds from my headphones. Without a thought, I click on the green phone icon; and thus, the gorgeous faces of my mates appear before my eyes.
"Hello, love."
"Good evening, bella mia."
"Good afternoon, Euan and Luca." I greet back. The time zone they're in is five hours ahead.
"How was your day?" Luca asks, looking genuinely curious.
As usual, if I may add.
"The usual. How was yours?"
"The usual." He replies, obviously disappointed with my answer's lack of details.
After a moment or two of awkward silence, Luca breaks the slinking ice. "So, love, you still don't remember anything?"
They have asked me to try and recall the 'missing' parts of my memory. 'Though they told me to stop when it would hurt too much.
I actually prefer to be frozen in the ice.
"Even a vague recollection would help." Euan adds.
Missing?
Or hiding?
Every single time they ask me about this, I feel like I'm in a hellish hot seat with my feet and head submerged in the arctic waters – being tormented by dearest bloody conscience.
"Bella mia?" Euan catches my attention back and I almost jump up from my seat.
"Uhm... Nope." I whisper looking down.
"Love, look." Luca sighs as he runs his hand through his hair.
He's frustrated with something.
Do they know? Oh Dea, please no... I don't think I'm ready yet.
"We have been sensing your hesitations in our conversations. We are not dolts." Luca's tone is starting to express his frustrations. "Why can you not answer truthfully?"
I feel the water pool in the rim of my eyes.
Euan shakes his head and sighs. "Bella mia..." Euan starts calmly, as if he's talking to an emotionally unstable or perhaps a psychologically ill person who might suddenly turn batshit crazy if piqued. "...What Luca wanted to say is that we know when someone is not answering us truthfully. We have been trained to be able to do so. Even if it is via video calls, we can and have noticed the signs you have displayed which meant you were being either dishonest with us or partially honest."
I don't know what to say.
I don't think I can tell them.
"Why are you hesitating? Is someone threatening you?" Euan asks and I just shake my head as a reply. "Then why?"
"I... I..." I cry.
"Just tell us the bloody truth!" Luca shouts impatiently.
"Why do you have to shout at her?!" Euan snarls at Luca.
"She is keeping something from us and I have had enough of that!" Luca growls back.
They keep on quarrelling whilst the pressure in my head continues to grow. So much that it's starting to hurt.
"I'm sorry!" I cry helplessly, cradling my aching head. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" I shout repeatedly while sobbing. My whole body is shaking violently from it.
"Why are you sorry?" Euan's voice is hard, but hinted a pint of nervousness.
"I... I was at the neighboring Alpha's." I stutter in between my sobs and hiccups. "During my heat... I... I... I mated with him."
"What?!" Luca shouts furiously. The headphones transmit the enraged growls from Euan and Luca, blasting my eardrums.
"Al- also with another... another g-girl." I say, my voice barely audible. "I... I don't know why... why I did it. " I continue to cry helplessly.
Both Euan and Luca are snarling and shouting profanities. All I can do is cry.
The call is cut making me surrender to a full-blown, go-ahead-hear-me-world lamentation.
After only Dea knows how many hours, I finally feel numb.
Physically, yes. Emotionally, no.
Only one thing can numb my heart...
I sit up and crawl to the end of our bed towards the wooden side table. Opening the drawer and removing the cloth inside, I see the thing I've been hiding for the past two months.
A girl could only take as much.
Dad, mom, Brent...
Euan, Luca...
I'm sorry.
I truly am.
But, nobody needs to grace me with their forgiveness...
I'm a fucking worthless piece of shit after all.