I usually liked packing but today I hated it.
Packing often meant you were going away on vacation so I never minded doing it. You were supposed to be happy when you went away. But I was miserable.
I didn’t want to go to George’s brother's house. I just wanted to stay at home and mope in my room – was that too much to ask?
Instead, I’d been roped into going on a long weekend break. To be fair, the way George described it, it sounded like a fun weekend. His brother and sister-in-law had an amazing house by the beach a few hours away up the coast. Surfing – not that I was any good at it – paragliding and jet-skiing were all on the agenda. It was looking like a busy weekend, sort of a perfect celebration for the end of school.
I’d handed in my final paper last week, definitely not my best work, and George just had a couple more tests next week but he didn’t seem to give much of a shit about studying for them. As far as I knew, college wasn’t in his future plans anyway, he just wanted to pass high school and never waste his time on another book again as he put it.
I wish I could be as casual as he was when he thought about the future. Whenever I thought, I just felt queasy. I only had a few weeks left to make a decision and it felt like the walls were closing in around me. I was probably making it worse by constantly putting it off. My mind only had room to focus on one thing at the moment.
I sighed loudly as I tucked some swimming shorts into my bag. Remi and George insisted that I go. They said I’d been round the house too much which wasn’t actually true. I’d been very busy this week.
After hastily completing my essay last week I was essentially a free man. I never had to go back to the school again. I didn’t hate it there really – I’d had some great times there over the years. Right now, it was just too hard.
I was one of the lucky few to be off the hook. Remi, Tara and Kyle were having constant study groups in our living room. Tara was definitely headed for college but Remi and Kyle were more similar to George – albeit more serious – and just wanted to actually pass high school. I’d managed to not get dragged into helping any of them study again, I’m guessing Remi was still traumatised from last time. As was I.
Still, it felt strange being the odd one out – I should be getting used to it by now. Everyone was so focused on school and I felt almost forgotten about. I was glad. No more nagging, no more worried looks. I’d had the last week to myself.
I’d not spent it idly either. I went from the top to the very bottom of my list, starting at the carnival.
I’d driven there on Sunday night, knowing that it would be the last place I’d want to go but going nonetheless. It was very strange going to a carnival – somewhere you were supposed to be having fun – when you were not at all in a good frame of mind and had no intention of having fun.
I felt like an outsider as I’d threaded my way through the crowd of mainly parents and young kids. I didn’t quite know where I’d been going and my feet seemed to take control. I ended up looking up at the roller coaster we’d gone on. Soul Snatcher. How ironic. The hooded figure with a scythe guarding the entrance looked more menacing now than it had before. I wondered if she’d thought so too.
There wasn’t much comfort to be found at the carnival it turned out. The sweet smell of cotton candy and popcorn turned my stomach and I had no desire to go on any rides or play games. I was just a weird guy wandering through the crowd with no real idea why I was here.
That had been the first of many failures this past week. I remembered everything yet couldn’t find any hints or clues to her whereabouts no matter where I looked.
The rose garden was closed when I went there. Maintenance work or something. I couldn’t even get close, the gate at the top of the long road was closed so it was a bust. The ski centre where we’d gone when we’d skipped school also did nothing for me. She’d certainly never go back there of her own accord. We’d had fun, sure, but the slopes hadn’t been her thing.
What had been her favourite place then? It was difficult to tell. She’d loved the beaches, that much I knew. After that realisation I’d spent one evening on the beach where she’d taken me that time I’d been pissed off with my dad. It felt like a lifetime ago. I couldn’t even imagine finding the energy to argue with him now. I just didn’t give a shit. I had bigger problems than him.
I should have gone to the other beach but whenever I thought about that place it filled me with dread. Like returning to the scene of the crime. It hurt too much. I'm not sure if I'd ever be able to set foot there again.
I paid the lagoon a visot too, in the day this time. When we’d gone in the evening, the atmosphere had been entirely different. People drinking, playing guitar and chilling. Now it was full of families milling about having picnics. Screaming kids running around, dogs jumping in and out of the water and spraying everyone with droplets when they shook it off.
I preferred it last time. I mean, of course I did, I’d been with her then. It had been cosy, though. Kind of intimate just the two of us by the fire alone amongst strangers. I think one of my favourite nights. I felt close to her then. But not close enough.
‘All packed?’
‘Fucking hell, Remi,’ I complained as I recovered from a mini heart attack. ‘Learn to knock.’
‘Your door was open,’ she shrugged. ‘So, are you excited yet?’
‘No.’
‘Don’t be all bitchy just because we’re making you go,’ Remi replied, picking up one of my shirts off the bed and frowning. ‘You can’t bring this; look how many wrinkles it has!’
I rolled my eyes. Good thing she hadn’t seen me packing the rest of my clothes. I couldn’t be bothered to fold them properly so my bag was a hot mess. She was the sort of person who planned each outfit for every day when she went on vacation. To be honest, I usually was too – not to her nitpicky, over packing extent however. And I didn’t give a shit how I looked this weekend. It wasn’t like I was meeting anyone important. I’d just be hanging out with the guys as normal. They didn’t expect me to have a tuxedo on.
‘Toothbrush, phone charger?’ Remi listed off.
‘You sound like mom.’
‘She never let us forget anything,’ Remi replied. ‘You’ll be grateful to get away from Richmond for a while,’ she added, perching on the end of my bed. ‘All our boring asses are studying and... I don’t know you just need to take your mind off things.’
‘Not really possible.’
‘I know... but just try, okay? Maybe you’ll come back feeling refreshed. Who knows?’
‘Sure,’ I said just for her benefit.
A weekend with George and his brothers did not sound refreshing in the slightest.
‘I really wish I knew what she did to fuck you up this bad,’ Remi muttered. ‘I’m super pissed. I sort of understand why you punched Jacob now. Not that I want to punch Raegan – although I did warn her not to hurt you.’
‘What?’ I groaned, dropping my toothbrush as I looked over at her. ‘Why did you do that?’
‘Don’t know. Aren’t we supposed to threaten each other’s potential partners?’ Remi shrugged. ‘You’re always doing that stuff to Kyle.’
‘Yeah, well,’ I muttered, not knowing what to say. ‘What did she say when you told her that?’
‘Not a lot. It was right after that fight we had about studying. I’m obviously not that scary of a sister ‘cos she went and hurt you anyway,’ Remi sighed. ‘Just try to have a good weekend, okay? When you’re back we’ll only have a couple more finals and we’ll make it a summer to remember.’
‘I sure won’t be forgetting it.’
Remi rolled her eyes before yanking me into a quick hug and shoving me back.
‘Study time. See you when you’re back. Message me when you get there safe!'
‘I will,’ I replied, watching her leave before turning back to my bed.
I felt bad that she was trying to look after me. It should be the other way round seeing as she was the younger one. I was stressing her out right in the middle of finals so it probably wasn’t helping her study. It was definitely good for me to get away from Richmond even if it only meant the others would be able to focus more on themselves.
I zipped up my bag and slung it over my shoulder wondering if I’d forgotten anything. I couldn’t think of anything else so I shut my window and traipsed downstairs to throw my stuff in the car.
I was going to drive over to George’s and leave my car there for the weekend while we took Joe’s truck up to their brother’s house. It was still too early to leave – only ten in the morning, but I had the urge to drive for a while. Clear my head and whatnot.
I tossed my stuff in the back seat and headed out, intending on coasting along the back roads near the beaches for a while. They were always quite empty so you could get away with driving faster than usual along them. Nice views too. There was something peaceful about the sea. We'd always lived close by... I couldn't imagine living inland.
When I reached the turning, however, I automatically ended up taking the road to the highway headed out of town. No beach drive today then. I didn’t have any idea where I was going but it felt nice being planless for once. Having nowhere in mind and just seeing where I ended up.
It was only when my phone started ringing that I realised I’d already been driving a whole hour and was nowhere near home.
‘Hello?’ I asked, answering without bothering to look who called.
‘Where the hell are you?’ George asked impatiently. I winced both at his tone of voice and how loud the damn speaker was in the car. Must’ve gotten turned the whole way up when they were fixing the screen.
‘I am... in the middle of nowhere.’
‘Great. Now you’ve run away. Any idea when you’ll be back? Or were you just planning on ditching us and not letting us know?’ George snorted.
‘I had no plans,’ I shrugged even though he couldn’t see it. ‘For once.’
‘I just don’t know what to do with you these days. Well, I guess you’re not coming with us then. You’re not going to like... drive off a cliff or anything, are you?’ he asked.
‘Not intentionally. I guess it could happen by accident. I’m not near any cliffs though – I suppose I shouldn’t tell you any landmarks, though, in case you decide to hunt me down.’
‘I’d say you’re enjoying this,’ George mused. ‘But you haven’t been enjoying much lately. Fine, don’t come with us. You do you. But! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.’
‘That’s not saying a lot, George.’
‘True.’
‘Can you do me a favour and tell Remi?’
‘Nope. Not my sister. Bye. Have a wonderful... run? Vacation? Whatever,’ he said, hanging up before I could respond.
Well, I had no plans but it seemed like somewhere inside me knew where I wanted to go. It was true, I was in the middle of nowhere, but nowhere happened to be on the way to my uncle’s old house. I guess I knew why I was headed here.
I’d been everywhere else on the list except here. One last place where we’d been together. I wasn’t sure what I’d do when I got there. What I’d feel or how I’d feel. There was only one way to find out, I suppose. Best to get on with it. I’d always have to come back here anyway because of mom.
My uncle’s would be the hardest place for me to go. Even harder than the cliffs where we’d had our picnic.
I think, out of all the places we’d been, those cliffs were her favourite. Just seeing her face when we first got there was enough to tell me that.
I’d driven back there a couple days ago. I had to wait a while because of the rain that had been coming down - I didn't want a repeat of last time. The weather seemed to be as indecisive as me these days. Whenever it rained now, my first thought was our near kiss on the cliff. My second was going to her apartment the day before she told me everything. I’d had to bang on the door until she let me in and I was soaked.
The cliff, like all the other places I’d covered, offered me nothing but bittersweet memories. It didn’t feel right being there alone. Actually, I’d never been there alone before.
I’d barely gotten there before I had to leave. I had many moments of regret throughout the past few weeks but one of my biggest ones was not just kissing her that day. Who cares if it was raining? I should have just done it. At least once. Now it was too late. I'd never get to kiss her.
My biggest ever regret was of course letting her go in the first place. What if I hadn’t frozen up? What if I’d been able to catch up with her? If I’d been able to convince her to stay or let me go with her?
Guess there was no point thinking about things I could have done. That's the type of thing that really drove you mad. You couldn't change the past, only fix the future.
I got hungry when I was close to the my uncle's house and decided to stop at the nearby town. We used to come here for breakfast after staying at my uncle’s, sort of a family tradition. I hadn’t been into the diner for years though. We didn’t come here as often as we should do and dad never came with me or Remi.
I sometimes suspected he came on his own to visit mom, though I’d never asked. Those nights when he came back late but wasn't in a work suit. He missed her a lot and I was beginning to understand.
I had... something to eat at the diner and let Remi know where I was before putting my phone on silent so I wouldn’t be bombarded with questions. I hadn’t been paying much attention when ordering, never was great at multitasking.
I was eating to live at the moment rather than living to eat. I’d always been that way but cooking and going out for food seemed to have lost its original appeal. Everything seemed to taste the same like when you have a cold.
I left a tip large enough to make someone’s day as I only had twenty dollar bills on me, and squinted as I crossed the parking lot. It was sunnier out here than Richmond had been when I’d left. Not that warm but sunny at least.
Sighing, I got back in my car and headed directly for the house. I suppose I should get the generator going out back if I was going to stay the night. It wouldn’t exactly be fun sitting around in the dark. I wasn't sure if the heating would work at all but I'm sure I'd be able to warm up somehow.
It took me a while to figure out how to turn the back up gen on. Dad had showed me once a couple years ago but the memories were foggy. Our home was quite modern in comparison - if we ever had a problem with our electricity, I knew just which switch to flip. Here was a little more dated and complicated.
Once back inside the house I tested the living room light switch and was rewarded with a dim glow. It was slowly getting dark outside now and I stared out at the sky for a long time. There wasn’t anyone around – I think the closest neighbours were a couple miles away. This used to be old farm land but no-one had planted here for years. Our uncle said something about the soil being bad now - overused I think.
The water seemed to be working too. There was a guy who came round every now and then to cut the grass and make sure the place didn’t get too crazy overgrown. I think he was the same guy who kept my mom and grandparents’ graves tidy too but I’d never met him. He did a good job but my uncle also paid pretty well so I guess he wanted to keep a good thing going.
I almost felt sorry for the house being stuck out here in the middle of nowhere unused. I get that he didn’t want to sell the place though. It was a strange situation. Maybe one day someone could move out here.
Up in one of the bedrooms, I began rifling through the boxes of photo albums again. The light wasn’t the greatest in this house, though, as they were really old, flickery bulbs so I gave up after forty minutes when I realised I was squinting. Couldn’t achieve much today up here. I could spend a good few hours tomorrow having a look through.
Or not.
I was free as a bird right now; I could do whatever I liked. Maybe I'd wake up and not be in the mood to get all dusty looking through old things. Perhaps I'd like to drive around. Or take a walk. Or go shopping.
Strange having no obligations. Maybe it was in my best interest to get away from home.
No wonder she felt so liberated when she arrived in Richmond. I kind of got it. Away from home, it was a lot easier to not care, to not think about your responsibilities. I was in my own little world.