‘What did you get?’ George asked as I slid into the seat next to him.
‘Nothing.’
‘What?’ George demanded, earning a scowl from our teacher who was halfway through his revision class. George apologised swiftly before turning back to me more quietly. ‘You skip like a month of school and get nothing? I was late to freaking math one time-’
‘Every time for four years.’
‘Shut up, Liam,’ George grumbled. ‘You’re not exactly Mr Perfect Attendance either.’
‘I’m average all round. Best way to stay unnoticed. You get away with more that way. You’re too relaxed and Bradley’s too much of a good boy, that’s why you’ve both been called to the principal’s office before and I never have,’ Liam shrugged.
‘You know what, you’re onto something,’ George sighed. ‘So, what did they say? I can’t believe you don’t have at least one detention,’ he pressed.
‘My record was good so they let me off,’ I replied, pretending to focus on the lesson. It seemed to work and I was left alone while he and Liam argued some more about something I didn’t bother listening to.
My conversation with the principal had been quick. I’d only been in his office one before; back when mom died and the school basically offered me and Remi their condolences. It hadn’t changed much since. Our principal was an old guy who was pretty quiet, sort of unmemorable because he just got on with his job normally and didn’t poke around too much. I got the feeling he didn’t like it when students were sent to his office.
Anyway, he took one look at my clean record, gave me a brief, definitely recycled, speech about how I should care more about my education and let me go. I don’t even recall saying a word. I sort of respected the efficiency. Though I was late to class because of it which was a little ironic.
We didn’t have many classes left this week. The seniors were allowed self study time to prepare for their exams from Wednesday onwards and my last piece of work was to be handed in on Friday. I had yet to complete it. Every time I sat down at my desk and opened my laptop, my wind wandered to other things.
Mainly her.
It was hard walking round places we’d been so often. And the thing was, we’d been pretty much everywhere. All of my favourite places. How could we have been everywhere yet I had no sign of her? She’d came and went and left nothing behind.
Except me.
‘So, you up for it?’ George asked me.
‘Yes,’ I replied immediately, snapping out of my head.
‘Good, so you park round back, I’ll get the bodies from the garage and we’ll pack then into the trunk as best we can.’
‘Yes – wait no. I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ I frowned, just starting to process the words coming out of his mouth.
‘I know. You shouldn’t agree to things when you’re not listening. You wouldn’t be a very good lawyer,’ George replied, rolling his eyes. ‘I said, next weekend we’re going to my brother’s place. Me and Jojo are going to drive up there, it’s like five or six hours in the car. You should come. Take your mind off things.’
‘Uh, maybe,’ I said distractedly.
‘What? You have other plans? I highly doubt it.’
‘Is this your way of calling me a loser?’ I asked.
It was nearly lunch break. Just a couple more minutes of sitting in this horribly stuffy classroom.
‘Sort of. I wouldn’t like to kick you when you’re down, though. Right now, you’re very pitiful.’
‘Gee, thanks,’ I retorted, jumping up as the bell went and sweeping all of my stuff into my backpack.
‘Where are you rushing off to?’ Liam asked with a raised eyebrow.
‘Just got to check something. I’ll see you in the cafeteria?’ I added, not waiting to hear their responses.
I headed in the opposite direction of said cafeteria; it wasn’t easy fighting through the tide of other students but eventually I ended up in the near deserted hallway as planned. Now just to remember which classroom we’d been in those weeks ago.
I checked in a couple before finding the one I was looking for. We’d been late for class that day because I’d kidnapped her away from the others just to get a little alone time with her. Thinking back now, I’d been somewhat out of my mind. I hadn’t realised I’d loved her then.
The chalk board had been wiped clean since we’d been in here. Our initials and outlines that we’d drawn were gone. I was hoping they’d still be here. No-one really came into these old classrooms except to get spare chairs or school supplies. And once again I was left wondering whether the last month had even happened.
Disappointed, I left, but not for the cafeteria. I didn’t think I was quite ready to sit around the table and pretend everything was fine. And if the others did ask questions, I wasn’t prepared to answer them. Not today anyway. Maybe not ever.
George and Remi had given up pestering me. Tara knew something was up but she was kind enough not to ask. I’m pretty sure she’d been the one to tell the others to leave me alone too. I was glad that at least one person understood that constant questions only made things worse for me.
I found myself outside, walking around to the back of the school until I was standing in front of the fire stairs which led to the roof. Well, I doubted she’d be hiding up there but at least I could for a half hour.
I wound my way up the metal steps and once I reached the top, I sat down on one of the metal air vents. It was warm up here. No breeze or anything. Good beach weather. But instead of feeling inspired, I just felt tired.
I leant back on the vent and let out a huff of air.
Only a few more days to go as far as school was concerned. Next week I’d be free. I didn’t know whether that was a good thing or not. I did hate being here, but I hated being alone with my thoughts more. I was confused to say the least. Whenever I was with Remi or Kyle or any of the others, I’d be counting down the seconds until I was alone again, but when I was alone, I craved some kind of company.
I did not like being confused. Especially now when I had so many decisions to make. I’d been trying to prepare for the future, college, football, scholarships but all my plans had her in it. I didn’t even want to think about starting from square one. If I started again, that would mean I’d have to accept she was never coming back. Even now she could be-
Don’t think about that.
How could I not? It was all I could think about. Instead of researching my final paper that I had to submit, I’d been looking up anything and everything to do with cancer. Mortality rates, recovery rates. The outlook didn’t look good. Even if you caught it early on, which clearly didn’t happen in her case, there was always a possibility it could come back. She’d never really had a chance.
It wasn’t fair.
It sounded so childish and naive but it was just true. All I had to hang onto was the tiniest bit of hope that I could still find her before it was too late. I had to much I wanted to say, wanted her to know. I'd had so much time yet not enough with her.
I didn’t have many leads. So I was stuck with revisiting our old haunts. Maybe they’d give me some kind of hint. A sign showing me where she’d gone. I’d wracked my mind over and over all the conversations we’d had, all the little things she’d let slip. But one thing I’d never really spent much time asking her about was where she was from.
It was like I had a mental block. I could remember insignificant things like the way she took her coffee or how she wrote the letter R with a little extra flourish than the other letters – the only thing she could remember from a calligraphy class she’d been forced to sit through once, she’d said. But I couldn’t remember solid facts she’d told me.
I guess she never did tell me much about herself in the first place. I’d mostly figured stuff out on my own or had some lucky guesses. I’d had a lucky day when I met her and I just needed one more to find her again.
* * *
‘Where d’you go at lunch?’ George asked, unlocking the doors to his truck.
‘Nowhere.’
‘Wow, you’ve learned to dematerialize - teach me your ways. Preferably before my math test next Tuesday,’ he replied, a hint of annoyance in his tone.
‘Don’t worry, you won’t have to deal with me for much longer,’ I reassured him, getting in the passenger side uninvited.
He was taking me to pick up my car tonight from the garage. At first, I didn’t mind being driven around but after a while, the lack of independence was frustrating. I wanted to be able to go where I wanted whenever I wanted without relying on the others.
‘I’ll have to deal with you for the rest of my life,’ George snorted. ‘I wonder if in ten years you’ll ever tell me what’s actually going on. You know how nosy I am.’
I snorted at his response.
‘You sounded like-’ I broke off.
‘Like,’ George repeated, drawing the word out. He sighed when I didn't continue. ‘You know, you’ll have to use her name eventually.’
‘Not necessarily.’
When we arrived at the garage, I could already see my freshly repaired car outside ready to go. I must’ve gotten some of my senses back because I felt a whoosh of relief go through me upon seeing the new windshield. It lifted my mood marginally but I wasn’t sure how long it would last. Maybe five minutes or so.
‘Good as new,’ Joe said, startling me. I’d been staring at my car too much to hear him come over. I glanced over my shoulder at him just in time to react and catch the keys he tossed my way.
‘Looks great,’ I agreed. ‘You’re good.’
‘I know.’
‘Very modest,’ George snorted.
‘You’re one to talk,’ Joe pointed out before gesturing for us to follow him inside. ‘Come on, I’ll get your papers and you can settle up. Managed to get a good deal on the screen so the damage to your wallet shouldn’t be too bad.’
We both followed him inside and I spotted a scowling Cole dealing with a blonde woman by the counter. He was probably the worst person for customer satisfaction as he tended to say his thoughts aloud no matter how rude they were. And mostly they were rude.
‘Thank god,’ Cole sighed loudly with relief. ‘Joe, this one’s all yours,’ he added before hastily disappearing through the back door out of sight.
‘Just sit down and don’t touch anything,’ Joe said, turning to us but looking more at George than me.
‘He blames me for breaking the spinny chair in the office,’ George confided as we sat down on a couple of chairs by the front window. ‘He says the back support has never been the same. But like, we’re genetically related, we probably have the same needs for our backs. What suits mine should suit his.’
‘Did you break it?’ I asked.
‘I adjusted it to support my own needs,’ George said passionately. ‘And to encourage less slouching. It’s easy to get into a bad slouching habit at your desk.’
‘You’re asleep at yours most of the time.’
‘Hello? I’m speaking from experience,’ he replied with an exasperated sigh. ‘I would hardly give advice on something I know nothing about. Hey, Jojo, hurry up, I’m hungry!’ George added in complaint loudly.
‘Jojo! That’s such a sweet name!’
‘Wow, her voice is kind of...’ George trailed off with a frown.
‘Screechy?’ I supplied.
‘Screechy. Nails on a chalk board. I think I just got the shivers. I wouldn’t usually trash talk someone I don’t know but apparently she’s been here all week making excuses – she definitely just wants to get Jojo on a date,’ George muttered, looking over at the blonde woman with a frown.
‘How d’you know that’s her?’ I asked, forcing myself to participate in an actual conversation. Maybe if I pretended things were normal, they would start feeling normal.
‘She only wears pink. Personally, I like bright colours but too much of one colour by itself is a little excessive,’ George mused. ‘Sort of like Remi’s bedroom.’
‘And why do you know what her bedroom looks like?’ I asked, raising my eyebrow.
‘I’ve been in every single room of your house,’ George shrugged. ‘But I guess it came to mind when I thought about mine and Remi’s sordid love affair, that we’re keeping secret from everyone, including yourself.’
‘You can stop talking now.’
It wasn’t long before Joe’s difficult customer left looking a lot happier than before. As she swooped past, a strong waft of her overpowering perfume blew over us and I saw George wrinkle his nose.
‘Smells like... air freshener. Bad one. Reduced to clear section of the supermarket. How’d you get rid of her?’ George asked.
‘You just have to wait until she stops talking,’ Joe shrugged.
‘Things a murderer would say?’ George asked. ‘No? My humour is not appreciated here. I’m leaving. I could eat a whole cow. Maybe I will.’
We waved him off and I leaned against the counter while Joe attempted to sort our how much I owed him. It wasn't a quick process. I was itching to get out - I hadn't realised how much I missed driving. Driving helped clear your mind sometimes. I needed that.
‘Stupid Cole never does this right,’ he grumbled.
‘Is crackhead Kirby gone?’ Cole asked, peeking his head around the door with a frown. ‘Good. We should ban her, you know. Plaster a picture of her face on the wall and everything. Then again we’d have to look at it,’ he added almost to himself.
‘She’s not that bad,’ Joe snorted.
‘You’re just saying that ‘cos you think she’s hot,’ Cole snorted. ‘Do us both a favour and take her out. Maybe that’ll stop her coming round here all the time. Just don’t tell her your address, she looks pretty nuts.’
‘I’m not asking her out,’ Joe replied with a scowl.
‘Think of it as... community service. You’re doing a good thing by taking her out on a date and then hopefully that will lead on to her departing our lives forever,’ Cole pressed.
‘I’m not taking someone on a pity date,’ Joe snorted.
‘Maybe you’ll be the perfect match. Opposites attract and all that shit. You’re too nice and she’s too... what’s a word another word for bitchy?’ Cole asked, looking over at me.
‘Uh...’
‘You’re supposed to be the smart one,’ Cole sighed. ‘High school has officially melted your brain. Now you’re one of us.’
‘Scary thought.’
‘Being old and boring like Jojo is scary,’ Cole agreed, mocking the way the blonde-haired girl had said his name. Her voice really did carry. ‘Being young and fun like me is okay.’
‘We’re the same age.’
‘Not that I’m not enjoying this arguing...’ I said meaningfully, deciding to interrupt so I could pay. They did this a lot and I knew that right now escape was the best option.
‘Shit, sorry. Right here – I’m guessing you’re not paying cash?’ Joe said hastily as Cole rolled his eyes and retreated.
Feeling somewhat mischievous, I said, ‘Maybe you should take her out. You never know, you could actually like her.’
‘Not you too,’ Joe groaned, tearing off my receipt with more force than necessary and tossing it in my direction.
‘Just saying. You should try new things, meet new people...’ I shrugged, tucking my card away.
I was owed at least some revenge. It was all Joe’s fault I had to put up with a month of jokes about how I had the hots for old women! Why the hell did I listen to his advice in the first place? When had I ever successfully flirted my way out trouble? Well, technically I did that time but I got into trouble of a different kind.
‘I’ll think about it. Now get out of here and don’t throw anymore shit at your damn car!’ Joe growled, gesturing to me to go away.
I left feeling somewhat amused but as soon as I started driving all my humour left me. Even my stupid car had too many memories attached to it. I couldn’t escape her for even one minute. She was everywhere.
* * *
At home, I was surprised to find an eager looking Remi waiting for me in the kitchen.
‘Why is your face like that?’
‘I got you a present – want to guess? Oh, never mind – new phone! Now I don’t have to message like eight different people to figure out where you are!’
‘Yippee.’
‘Don’t be like that. Now, come look, I love shiny new things.’
I spent the better part of my evening with Remi and when I eventually escaped up to my room on the pretense of finishing my paper for school, I immediately opened my messages. I did enjoy how technology made my life easier – it was pretty cool to see how all my stuff had transferred over from my old phone to the new one. I wasn’t very patient with things like that so I appreciated it all the more.
I had a few messages from people who obviously weren’t aware that my old phone had gone on a detour to my windscreen and beyond. I ignored those and couldn’t help but feel immensely disappointed.
Nothing from her. No messages, voicemail... no missed calls. Nothing at all.
I didn’t expect anything... but it still stung. It either meant she was back home and purposefully not contacting me or it meant... the other thing. The thing I tried not to think about else it felt like a tonne of bricks were pressing against my chest and making it hard to breathe.
I almost wanted to call. But I remembered how her phone had been off that day at the beach. When I made the mistake of letting her go. It was probably still off now. And if it did ring and she didn’t answer... I wasn’t sure what was worse. I hated not knowing.
I just wanted to see her.
I rolled over on my bed so my face was pressed into the pillow. I was so tired yet so restless. I hated not knowing what to do but wanting to do something. I didn’t like sitting around doing nothing and waiting for the day it would all feel better, if ever.
Another restless night. One to add onto my ever-growing list of the shittiest nights I’d ever experienced.