tw / suicide , self harm
it's me, ej. i'm surprisingly not dead.
i haven't updated this poor book since may of last year. i've been neglecting my only passion. the one thing i promised myself i would never let go of. i honestly don't even have the strength to admit how disappointed i am of myself.
after months of endless struggling, in november i attempted suicide again - for the third time this year.
but this time it was definitely the worst - i was hospitalised and had to take about three weeks off work and school. i developed a fear of leaving the house and social interaction and would have a panic attack trying to even get it the car. i lay in bed for days on end, wishing i would fall asleep and just never wake up. i lay in silence staring at the ceiling with tears streaming down my face wondering what i ever did to deserve this miserable existence. the only way i can describe it is complete and utter despair. no bright moments, no laughter - no escape. i really thought that was it for me.
eventually i got back to school and work - starting seeing friends again and tried to just push on with life and forget anything even happened - but that's not how it works sadly. i wake up in the morning feeling like another little part of me has died and one day i'll just end up with no pieces left. i'll have totally faded away into nothingness.
life can be so cruel. so unforgiving.
during this time i also realised something that still makes me feel ill to admit.
i'm transgender.
i use he/him pronouns now. and honestly even typing that out is terrifying. my hands are shaking just admitting it - to people online, not even friends or family. god knows how ill ever tell them.
anyways i can only really describe 2021 as fucking awful. definitely the worst year of my life.
but it's over now. and hopefully this year will bring better things.
i still love writing, i still love bts , i still love this book and it's readers - but i was so damaged, i needed to heal before i literally broke. as cringe as it sounds.
so .. am i healed now?
no ... no i'm not to be honest. unfortunately this post isnt my big comeback, i'm still trying to slowly fix myself day by day - it's just taking a little longer than expected.
i'm not going to promise that i'll be back soon , all i can say is that i haven't stopped writing when i've been away. i'm working on stuff - i've not quit and i never will.
please continue to support my book while i'm gone. i will be back - a little bit more patience is all i ask for <3
thank you so much for everything
your author
ej.