TW// SELF HARM, SU/A, AND VERY SENSITIVE TOPICS:
Lilliana was currently sitting in the kitchen with her eyes on the front door waiting for her men to get home.
she hadn't seen them since breakfast that morning because they had to handle a hit. They still hadn't told her what their job was so their excuse was they needed to go to work for a business meeting but they were supposed to be home two hours ago which made Lilliana nervous. She was so anxious that she'd been pulling at her skin for two hours straight and her arms were turning purple.
Suddenly the front door slowly began to open causing Lilliana to jump straight from her seat and run to it.
Luther was the first person she saw and after hours of no touch Lilliana quickly wrapped her arms around him. However he didn't return the gesture he just stood emotionless and stiff.
She looked up to him puzzled but he didn't even look at her. He grabbed her arms pulling her off of him. Lilliana whimpered at his harsh touch but he still didn't pay her any attention he just pushed past her and began walking upstairs.
Lilliana's head dropped but another set of footsteps had her spinning around. Even if Luther wasn't in the best of moods at least Alexander would be nice, Lilliana thought.
She smiled at him and he attempted to smile back but it didn't quite reach his eyes. He kissed her forehead and walked past her. Two in a row, she thought.
She was now concerned more than anything so she decided to go check on them. She started off with Luther, his door was open so she walked in and sat down beside him on the bed.
She grabbed his one hand in both of hers and ran circles over it, "are you okay Lucy, what's wrong?"
He peeled his hand away from hers and shook his head "out"
Lilliana sucked in a deep breath, the events of the previous week came back to her.
"ok" Lilliana stood up and walked out shutting the door behind her. She leaned against the wall holding her chest as it began to feel heavy and tears starting pouring down her cheeks.
She stood there holding her chest for what felt like hours until she felt somewhat better. She didn't want the men to catch her crying even though she felt like Luther could care less at this point so she made her way to the downstairs bathroom.
"of course he doesn't care no one could ever care about you"
Lilliana shook her head and mumbled to herself "they love me"
Once there she began wiping away her tears.
She looked into the mirror at herself and all of her features. She thought she looked pretty but then the voices came back.
"you're pathetic"
"No"
"you're so fucking ugly"
"No"
"no one loves you"
" but Lucy and Lexi do"
"no they don't because no one will ever love you, you are worthless"
"Worthless, pathetic, pitiful, ugly, disgusting"
"no, no, no, stop" Lilliana pleaded with herself pulling her hair, she dropped to the floor pulling her knees to her chest.
"aww you want to cry like the bitch you are"
"you should just kill yourself"
Lilliana slowly looked up in the mirror and all the pain that she'd endured her whole life hit her like a truck. All the bad memories and nights crying plagued her head. All the pain coursed through her veins and she sobbed just wanting it to stop.
She wanted it all to stop.
She stood from the ground and walked to the kitchen grabbing what she needed and walked back to the bathroom.
She placed towels on the floor so it wouldn't be as hard for the men to clean her blood up when they found her body.
She sat back down on the towels and held the knife to her wrist. She took in a deep breath and began.
She started off with small lines but made them bigger and bigger as she went down her arm.
Each line made her feel like she was releasing her pain bit by bit.
She watched the blood trickle down her arm And smiled then switched arms.
Just as the knife touched her right wrist the door opened, "hey Lilly I'm so so-"
It was Luther, his eyes widened at the sight infront of him. He immediately grabbed the knife from her hand and threw it out of the bathroom. "NO" Lilliana yelled and immediately went after the knife.
Luther grabbed her waist and pulled her to the back of the bathroom. Lilliana thrashed and kicked trying to get out of Luther's arms, "let me finish, I want to be gone, please let me finish" Lilliana sobbed.
She felt everything spin and slid to the floor with Luther.
"I just want to finish it" Lilliana whimpered
Luthers heart broke into pieces, her blood was all over his hands and her wrist.
"Lilly please calm down baby I'm here now, I'm not leaving ever again I promise" he felt her give up on trying to get out of his arms and her whole body sagged against his.
He realized that he couldn't get to the cabinet from their position.
"Al-exan-der" Luther yelled his voice breaking with each letter.
"im so sorry baby, I'm so sorry" Luther had both of her hands in his and had them crossed so she couldn't move.
Alexander burst through the door and the scene infront of him made his heart drop.
"Bandages" Luther said looking to the cabinet. Alexander nodded and quickly grabbed anything he saw that could help.
Luther uncrossed her arms and Alexander began cleaning her bleeding wounds. He applied gauze and wrapped her wrist with bandages.
Once done Luther picked her up and carried her to his room. The whole way there, Lilliana's eyes held no emotions, she truly looked dead inside.
He gently placed her down on the bed and she turned her back to him. "I can't even kill myself correctly" she whispered.
"oh angel" Alexander made his way to her. He picked her up and placed her on his lap, "why Lilliana"
Lilliana just shook her head and looked down and her covered wrist. Alexander nodded and decided he should just let her sleep tonight and not ask questions.
He looked to Luther who seemed to be in a trance.
His hands were still covered in Lilliana's blood from holding her in the bathroom and even a bit of his pants. Luther couldn't take his eyes off of his shaky hands nor could he stop the tears from falling down his face.
Alexander set Lilliana under the covers and rubbed slow circles around her back until she fell asleep.
He then walked to Luther and held out a hand, "come on"
Luther looked up to him and shook his head, "I'm not leaving her"
Alexander sighed, "I know you don't want to leave her but you need to clean up"
Luther looked back down to his bloody hands and thought about how Lilliana wouldn't want to wake up and see her blood on him.
Luther nodded and stood up following Alexander downstairs into the bathroom. Both men stood in the doorway and took in a deep breath. They began cleaning the mess replaying the events over and over in their heads. Luther cleaned himself up then looked at the knife that was now on the living room floor.
He slowly picked up the knife that was covered in Lilliana's blood and walked to the trash throwing it away.
Then he broke down, Alexander walked over to him holding him. "its okay Luther you got to her in time"
Luther shook his head and sobbed, "this shouldn't have happened in the first place, its all my damn fault"
Alexander sighed and kissed his head, "its not your fault Luther"
Luther put his head in his hands, "I told her to get out Alexander just like her father did, we were two hours late and I treated her like crap, its my fault"
Alexander turned Luthers head to face him, "that girl up there needs you to be strong right now for her okay, she needs us to be strong for her so stop Luther"
Luther nodded, Alexander smiled and wiped away his tears then grabbed his hand. They both made their way upstairs and grabbed blankets.
Luther laid across the end of the bed and Alexander laid on the floor beside Lilliana. After a couple of minutes Luther heard the snores of Alexander but he couldn't sleep. He didn't want to take his eyes off Lilliana for even a second.
• -
It was nearly three in the morning when Luther felt the bed move slightly. He looked up to see Lilliana staring down at him.
He sat up and moved closer until he was in front of her. She looked down at her wrists and frowned, "I'm sorry"
Luther shook his head and pulled her onto him, "don't say sorry Lilliana, I'm sorry for not being there earlier or even being there in the first place"
Luther kissed her forehead and pulled her closer to him. He felt her yawn against his shoulder so he laid down with her still in his arms and pulled the covers over the both of them.
Even with her in his arms he still didn't feel safe to fall asleep.
He was disappointed with himself, he failed to protect her, he failed Lilliana.
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Authors note: this chapter was hard to make