Date: 15.12.21
Joke: What games do kids play when their mom took all their electronic devices away? Bored games!
Quote: "We're told that the most powerful words in this world are 'I love you.' And while I think those are powerful, i think equally powerful is the phrase ' I have started to know you, and I want to know more'" - David Levithan: Someday
Summary:
Please help me. I'm depressed, I want to run away, and I'm not eating, and I go from hyper- legitimately psychopathic masochistic to dead mentally really fast. I'm concerned for my mental health. Like legitimately concerned but I can't voice these thoughts. I just can't. Every time they come out as joking. Please help. I need to tell E but how can I? We can't change anything. She helps keep me grounded but we can't change how often we see each other. It isnt possible...maybe I run away.
I'm fine during school. I don't interact much and if I do, it's meaningless. Just Part of the flow of life. I hate myself. Literally once I got home tonight, I said out loud that I won't eat dinner because I don't deserve it. Please help me. I'm scared of myself. I texted E with some of these thoughts before I could regret it. I feel like dying, it would make this easier.
Lemme try and get through my day. Maybe it will help stave off my impending panic attack. So I got up and went to school. I had my art midterm- which I got a 100 on. I had an aphug unit test and I got a 94, only cause we all got 2 bonus points added, so really a 92. Then I got to leave school. It was a half day. It was very pretty outside, I remember that. Then when I got home and got to call E. She makes me so happy. So so happy.and it hurts cause I don't deserve it. Getting off topic, moving on. So I finished putting together her letters and then we got to head to climbing early! It was super fun climbing with her- I was doing terrible but it was fun hanging out anyways. Then practice was superrrrr frustrating.
E single-handedly pulled me from the edge of a panic attack again. With her words. I'm just feeling so much better, like a normal human again. And I would love to delete my past piece of this but I feel it's important to keep it. I am okay now. I am going to sleep better tonight. E and I are in this together and we will both do whatever it takes. I really do love her. I wish we could live together.
Okay so practice was just infuriating cause we went early, and our coaches were already there, right? and we climbed for the full time we were there and then when M (one of our coaches - he's not a good coach) started practice LATEEE BY 45 MINUTES!! he was like, "are you coming to JOIN us? we are STRETCHING now" like so aggressively and I was like (in my head) EXCUSE ME?!? WE CAME AN HOUR EARLY? AND CLIMBED BETTER WITHOUT YOU, YOU STARTED LATE, for no reason I might add (people were just playing add on and messing around on the wall), AND NOW YOU ARE GETTING MAD AT US FOR NOT JOINING YOU?!? Just idiotic and then after stretches the coaches spent 20 minutes more of our limited practice time talking about an idiotic topic. They are all about the theoretical part of climbing too, and I get that it's important but it's been too much lately. way too much. And practice was basically wasted. We were going to do doubles on ropes all practice which would've been amazing and great and just the best but NO, we couldn't do that. We had to do "perfect repeats" the wrong way, and flash or trash in teams. It failed. I did however have so much energy I let Z flip me over her hip like she does in jujitsu. It was epic. But I am concerned for myself cause I enjoyed it so much. Whatever. It was okay. Then I had to say goodbye to E. I had to say goodbye for 3 entire weeks. I may be able to go to the comp on Saturday to see her again but neither of my parents can give me a straight up answer.
Our family dynamic is struggling. Whatever- a topic for another time.
But basically when I got home, I got ready for bed pretty fast cause I knew I wasn't feeling good or in an ok mental state. I literally almost cried when E left the gym before me. I only didn't cause I couldn't let any other teammates see me cry. I'm not comfortable about it. In any way. It's too vulnerable for them. But then I ready Someday by David Levithan and it's very relatable now but in a different way. It's an amazing series and I hope it ends well. Then I started having a mental breakdown. And E pulled me from it. I can always go to her now. We are 100% comfortable with each other and it's nice. we don't have to hide anything and we dont have to worry about anything. We're in this life together No matter what happens. I know one day we'll have to let go but that day is not today so I'm gonna live my life while I have it.
I'm sorry this was a very long long entry. a lot happened over the span of writing this. I'm feeling much better mentally. Tear stained cheeks but a smile on my face. I think I'll be okay, especially with E at my side.
Thanks for reading!
Love you guys <3
Ps don't die 🙃