Aniruddh felt like he had lost all his senses. He was standing with his back to the door of his room after locking it from inside. Fresh tears came out but no more cries. He blinked them back only to invite more. He headed towards the bathroom removing his coat and shirt in the process, throwing them to floor one by one. Kicking his shoes off he entered the bathroom and stood under the shower after removing rest of the items and closed his eyes.
Tears hiding in the water, he wanted to cry. Cry and let it all out once before he went to her. He could not be weak infront of her. That won't do. He wanted to cry to clear his head. Clear his heart of hatred towards his Kaka. Cry just once. But he couldn't even do that. The past days had been so much...
He was all out of sobs...
He knew he soon would be out of tears too...
Bondita lay on her bed, lying on her left side facing the door. Awaiting his entrence.
Her Pati Babu...
But she suddenly was not sure she wanted to meet him. Her hand went to her belly. A baby... There was a baby in there. All she had thought before, it was way too overwhelming than her imagination. A life inside her.
His life...
It was something he gave her...
His child...
The thought made her wish he didn't come to her today. She very well knew he was the only one who could make her happy but how was she going to face him...?
This was the complexity he was talking about. This... distance... The distance they didn't want but was ironically imposed on them by a feat to bring them closer. How will he talk to her ?
How will he look at her... With guilt, sadness or disgust...?
Was it going to be the same like before...?
Bondita heard the door open to find him standing there in fresh dhoti kurta, wet hair and drained eyes that met her's.
It was not going to be the same...
Never...
They had, due to any reason, crossed boundaries not meant for them to even look at...
They had now what could never be corrected...
She had his baby inside her...
It is not going to ever be the same again...
She turned on her bed to face away from him...
It was evening...sun was about to set but she had no lights on. The only source being a candle kept at her study table and light crossing her glassed doors from the outside.
She heard him close the door and closed her eyes in response. He drew a chair near her and sat there. He did not even sit on her bed.
No matter how much she felt awkward in being in his presence, this small gesture hurt her. But she understood him...
The silence was not a comfortable one. It felt like they were trapped with each other on a boat. No where to go...
" Bondita..." She heard him whisper with a soft sigh which made her grip her pillow beneath her head and stifle a sniff. " How are you feeling...?" She could feel he was being very cautious. With words, tone, body language. His voice seemed distant. Just a peek, she turned to take just a peek. He was sitting on the chair with his back to her. She swiftly turned back buring her right cheek in the pillow, this time a sniff escaped. He was not even facing her.
Aniruddh felt a movement and then her muffled sniff. Was she crying...? Was she ok ?
" Bondita...?" He got up and turned his chair to face her way now before taking his seat. " I know... you...you don't want me here..." Why would she ? He ruined her life. " But it is really important...that...that you talk..." He bent over her, he was sure she sensed his closeness. " Talk to me Bondita... No more secrets... Please..."
Should she...? What would it matter now ? But the desperation in his voice moved her a little. She was sure it wasn't a cake walk for him to come to her room today but he still did.
Few calming breaths and she made up her mind...
She got up to sit, her pallu a little out of place. She pulled her sheets up to her neck which had already been upto her shoulder. She was wearing her light night saree, light enough to flow away from its place. She had never found herself in a situation like this before where she needed to hide her body from him. Just maybe she never noticed or cared about it before. She saw him turn his face left, away from her to give her some privacy.
It was not that Aniruddh had never seen pallu slip off her head or a wind blowing her saree. He had just done the natural thing and looked away everytime that happened without even thinking about it twice. It was only common to happen. He turned his face today too but oh it was so different. The tension. He felt his eyes holding shame in them to catch her like this and knew she felt that too. She had never before cared if he looked at her at such times or not. She would fix her saree and go about chattering infront of him like nothing happened, like it should have been. But now...she was hidding from him. Hidding from his shameful eyes.
He looked back at her after feeling it was ample time for her to get fixed. She had brought the pallu over her head and covering her flowing hair.
Everything had changed...
" How are you Bondita...?" He asked.
" I don't know..."
" Do you want to...say...ask some thing...?"
" No..."
" Bondita... I have come here to talk to you. You don't want that...I...I understand, I really do...but I won't leave until... I am sure that you really have nothing to ask me..."
Oh Bondita had things to ask... So many of them...
Where to start was the real question...
She knew she had postponed it enough, a confrontation with him. She had refused to listen or tell anything but he might have things to say too. He too was suffering.
And she knew it would do her good to get things off her chest but what to say ? How to say to not make it more awkward. Their relationship was not the same anymore where she asked stupidly any question and he answered her without a second thought. He was weighing every word now which made her nervous of asking her mind.
But she had to move past that. She had gotten the biggest blow of her life till day. Might as well take some more while she was at it. She wanted everything to be clear and over today so that she doesn't have to start all over again due to some other thing she might find out later.
Bondita looked at Aniruddh's tired face. He was. She was going through tough times but he was bearing the weight of it. Weight of the guilt. ' You made me rape her...' the words he uttered with so much malice that it was etched on her memory, maybe forever. The word...was it the reason he looked like this. Empty eyes, sad lips, face devoid of expressions and still words indicated self loathe.
She wanted to know if she was actually raped... whatever that was.
" I...do have a..a question ?" She spoke afraid if she was right in asking the question.
" Yes...! Go ahead !" He was nervous now. He hoped he would be able to supress his feelings and answer her truthfully.
" What is rape ?"
That did it. His resolve broke as his lips quivered. " Rape...?"
" Yes..."
" You...you don't know...?" Aniruddh was mildly surprised. He really hoped she knew something or it was going to be a ride for him not that pleasent.
" You never told me..."
Ofcourse. She learnt everything from him. And this topic was a taboo in society for her to have heard from somewhere else. A daily occurrence masked with the title of marital life or nature of men that could not be controlled for a few girls and women who were too suppressed to speak up and too brain washed to know that it was wrong or that speaking of it was their right.
" Hmmm..." Aniruddh had to think of an answer fitting to the level of her understanding. And the fact that night might have been a witness to such an act was not helping. He felt his throat chock. He cleared his throat and tried to speak.
" In a physical... relation Bondita..." Really ? His little Bondita was grown up enough for this ? Ahh..yes. She was. " There needs to be...an understanding from...both the sides. Man and woman...both should agree on...on it. There might be times when...one partner wants...wants to engage in such... activities but not the other."
Aniruddh could see Bondita gave him full attention. It made him even more nervous of her opinion and reactions once she realises what happened to her that night. " Maybe the man says no but the woman doesn't. It doesn't lead to much disruption. Maybe the woman doesn't want it some other times."
Some other times ? It could be done more than once ? Thakuma said that she was now a proper wife, she had thought it was to be counted as some ritual they were forced into. A one time thing to prove the marriage was successful. But it had to be done again ?! Was she going to go through a night like that again...??!!!
" But..." His voice called her back. " sometimes the man choses to not respect...the wish of his wife or the woman. Being... being more physically powerful, he might...he might take advantage of her."
" Advantage...?"
" Yes... advantage of her... weakness. Her... capability to not being able to defend herself...or simply take advantage of his relation and his rights. Forcing her to...to... participate when she doesn't want to..." Was she following him ?
" Like...like Thakur...?" His heart clenched. She was finally going to know what actually was about to happen that night. " And Chandrachur...?" She whispered horrified.
Were these men that filthy ? Wasn't this supposed to happen only between a husband and wife ? She knew their motives were abhorrent but this? They were trying to make a physical relation with her. That was the final stage it would have led to if not stopped ? Her Pati Babu didn't use so many words but she understood. A girl's body and mind always understood. She suddenly felt so disgusted by her own body. She threw the cover and got down her bed not knowing how to respond but unable to be close to him with a feeling of disgust for her own body.
" Bondita..." Aniruddh worridly asked her to sit and this time moved closer to her as she sat on the edge of the bed, arms circling her knees. Proximity making him feel uncomfortable.
They were both facing each other but not looking at each other.
" Did they...did they try to do...what happened between us that night...?" She asked between her broken sobs.
" Yes..." His own voice was blocked with tears.
" If...they succeeded... Would that have been...rape...?
Aniruddh didn't want to answer that. He could not say something like that... Never...
But she understood...
" Why...?" She sobbed hard, her tears falling on her fists on her knees " They... knew I...I am married to...you... That I...I can't be with anyone else...but you...then why...?
The question was not easy. Her implying that he was the only one who could touch her but that was the truth... Atleast the truth that should have kept men away from her but it didn't. Men like them had no consideration for relations or emotions.
" Because those men are scum. Nothing matters to them but... physical pleasure. And Bondita...they should have not looked at you because you are married...? No Bondita...no man has a right to look at a woman in a way she has not given him a right to." Men really needed to know that and Bondita needed to understand that being married or unmarried had no effect on this. That a girl should be respected of her choice irrespective of her status. " You know what makes a touch good or bad ?"
She vigorously shook her head in a no, still crying silent tears.
" Consent Bondita. Consent and relation" Aniruddh impressed on both words. " If both the partners have not given consent, said yes for it, it is wrong. And giving consent when your relation does not allow it is equally wrong Bondita for it can lead to disastrous consequences."
She sniffed. " Is...it rape if it happens between husband and wife...? The relation allows it... So...so... even that is...rape...?
" If it lacks her consent...then...yes. If it was forced on her then...yes."
She just sniffed.
" Bondita...?"
" Why...? Why did you say...that you... you raped me...?"
Aniruddh closed his eyes. She heard that...? He was in a mess.
" I..."
" Why did you say so...? What... what happened...what made you think...you forced...forced me...?"
" Because...that was what...I was drugged...to do..." Aniruddh still had his eyes closed.
" It was planned to get me raped...?" She looked at him, his eyes opened slowly.
" Yes..." A tear escaped. " And...the thing is that they think it is not rape...if a husband...forces his wife...they think it is his right. They...they thought...it was my right...to...to..." To touch her the way he liked, to do to her whatever he liked. Disgusted to the core. " But it was not my right Bondita. I didn't have, don't have and won't have any rights that you don't give me yourself." He completed with a heavy sigh looking into her eyes.
Bondita believed him, believed that he would never touch her without her permission.
She remembered... remembered how she had wrapped her arms around him in consent when he had kissed her nose and given her a chance to back down. She had unknowingly given him consent to much more than she knew. It was a good thing she didn't remember the rest of it. Rest of it other than his kiss, his hug, his hands on her skin... Skin. As if focusing on it for the first time, she remembered his hands on her skin.
" Why...why...did we not...have clothes...?" He understood. But how to answer ?
" During such...to attain such intemacy...all the...all..."
Bondita instantly regretted her question and covered her ears. She could not hear it. She understood. Koyeli had told all boundaries were removed. One of them were clothes. " I don't want to...hear it... I don't. Sorry... sorry for asking."
" Bondita... please..." He really could not look at her. He could not pull her hands from her ears and make her listen. Request was all he could do. She needed to know this. No matter how difficult it was going to be for him.
" Just tell...me how...how was it a rape..."
" Because...you didn't give me consent. I was drugged for the very purpose of it...you were probably not. Because it would have made no difference that night...if you were drugged like that instead of me, I would have stopped you." He knew if the effects were reversed he would have stopped her advances. " But they knew you... won't be able to...stop me..." His eyes flickered a few times to her and settled back on the bedsheets. " And they also knew...that...you won't want it...in your ..in your full senses. Bondita... what ever you were given...it was to prevent you from stopping me. To...make it easier for me to..." His breaths flared his nose that was now red, tears running down adjecent. " And I know you must have felt it..." He swallowed hard. " Felt the bad touch...my touch. You must have...I know you must have said no..." Tears escaping noticed by a guilty Bondita. " And I didn't stop. I didn't..."
" Pati..."
" I couldn't...stop..." The only thing making him look alive were the tears. His voice still hollow. Too sad for crying out. " I didn't stop. Just...just because you don't remember...do... doesn't mean it...was...was not torcher." He looked at her wrists around her knees, his fingers touching the bangles that hid her wrists. She had talked of marks on her body. She must have had some here. He removed his fingers as if burnt as he became aware of what he was doing. He could not take such liberties any more.
Bondita wanted to tell him that it was not as he thought. That it might have been wrong but his touch was not. That it might have been scary for her but she knew, somewhere in her unknowledgeable heart, that it must not have been torcher. Sure she would not have allowed it had she been in senses but she would not have pushed him even in her out of sense mind. She knew she didn't push him away. A blundering step, a disastrous step but that was why she was drugged. Was she not...? To not think and let things happen.
She wanted to tell him he, even in that state, had tried to stop himself. Had asked her to stop him. And she didn't...
And telling him that would mean confessing that she remembered. That she remembered as his fingers glided on her cheeks that night, remembered how his breath tingled her body as he hid his face in her neck on that bed. And most importantly she would have to give the reason for not stopping him even after knowing it was wrong. The drugs had clouded her judgement but had enhanced her deeper feeling. Feelings she didn't want him to know she still had.
What if she told him this today and he would distance himself like last time. All this, he was still with her because he knew it was not her fault, he knew she was against all this. But would he still think the same once he came to know that her subconscious, buried feelings had stopped her from saying no. That it actually was her own wish to get closer to him...to forget the monster she had encountered that night. Would he understand that it was not because she wanted that night to happen but the consent was given so that she could erase that horrifying incidence in the store.
That his touch was her medicine that night.
She couldn't afford it. Afford to tell him the truth and watch him go. Not at this time when she needed him the most. She had seen him do that before. She won't be able to go through it again.
The only thing that was holding her together right now was him. If he chose to leave her, stay away from her...she was afraid she would never be able to cope with it.
Wasn't she allowed to be selfish for once ? Keep something to herself only for herself. It was no secret, it was something private. She knew the moment she shares it, the beautiful moments would turn to dust by just his eyes. His words regarding those moments as mistakes, wrong... would kill her. Going through so much at a time...she couldn't do it. She knew if she told him he would just panick more.
They both were suffering enough...
" Why...did it hurt...why did I...bleed." she decided to put forward another question.
Ahh... Aniruddh felt he would not be able to walk out of the room by the end of her questions. Questions valid yet so wrong from her lips. The question should have been why a girl gets hurt by this and not why she was hurt.
" There...is a part...in a girl's body..." He furrowed his brows to mask his embarrassment. His fingers interlocked to prevent any movement that might prove to be a vulgar gesture. " A part very... The one related to your menstruation..." He knew she was open minded on this topic. " The part gets ruptured...and... bleeds."
" It happens... every time...?" Her almond innocent eyes scared.
" No...no... Just the first time. If...a girl bleeds...it is considered...to be her first...time." he said looking at his fingers.
When he came here he had not imagined the conversation would take a turn like this. That she would ask questions like this. He was not prepared or he would have consulted some books on this before hand. But at least she was talking.
" Did you too..." She started but was halted by Aniruddh's big, wide eyes staring at her as his head snapped up by the use of ' you' in her question. " Do men...bleed too ?" She corrected her question.
" No...they don't..." His eyes were back on his fingers.
" Why...?"
" Because we..." He was about to make the same mistake. " Because they, men and women are built differently."
" Do they feel pain like their wives...?"
" No..." The unfairness of all this.
" Then...what did you go through that night ?" She could not keep checking her words every time.
" Nothing..."
" Nothing...? I felt the pain... The bleeding. And...and the scratches and bruises on your body were not as many or as bad as mine...!" She was frustrated by how unfair a girl's own body could be to her. Nature's cruel play. She thought the marks were signs on a body for torcher. She didn't know acts of love could leave marks too.
Not as bad as her's. He knew he bruised her that night, she told him but how did it not cross his mind that she might have been frightened by them, might want to know how they were...formed. The answer was unspeakable.
Did she say there were many...?
" Where...?" Slipped unconsciously, too late to realise he had spoken his doubt out loud.
He saw her face flush red. No...he didn't want to know. She didn't want to tell either...right...?
She didn't want to tell him where she had them on her body. But she did have a question.
" How...how are they...formed ?"
Aniruddh closed his eyes. He knew it. He knew Bondita way too much to predict the questions.
" Are...are they formed... because of, because of you holding...me... tight..." Like she remembered holding his neck, digging her nails in him before loosing herself in the darkness.
" Maybe... But...not quite..."
" Is there some other way too...?"
She waited... Should she not have asked ? She really thought it was due to the physical force. But his expressions told it was much more raw than that.
" Lips..."
He could not make it anymore vulgar by going in details.
Bondita thought she knew what blushing ment...
Until now...
They... didn't have clothes... and his lips...his lips had been at places... Places...
She hid her face behind her knees.
Aniruddh opened his eyes at the lack of a response from her only to see her folded into her own self. She did not like hearing it, as expected, told her toes that dug into the mattress curling in.
Bondita still had questions left but no more courage. She could not listen to it anymore. Atleast not now.
Aniruddh understood it was too much for her right now. It would have been easier for her to hear of these things if they actually didn't happen to her.
They sat quite for a while. Her sobs and his tears. Aniruddh had never imagined himself with her like that ever nor did he plan on it. But looking at her now he knew that even if he, which still looked impossible, wanted a relation like that with her in future, she would not want it. Experiences like this, three of them...all due to decite of a family member directly or indirectly, had wrecked her. Her reaction to this small part of information on truth of the night had her crying and timid. For that one night of closeness the cost was her confidence and innocence, that she would never let him close to her again.
So much crying had her nauseated. Or was it just how she often felt these days ? A slight cramp had started rising. Nothing she couldn't handle but something that now had her worried. Her sudden move had Aniruddh open his eyes to find her covering her mouth.
" Bondita... what happened...??!"
She just gestured him to move with her free hand as he was sitting close to the bed just infront of her, his knees in contact with the bed.
He got up scared as he saw her get down and run to the bathroom. He followed her to find her sitting near the toilet, hunched over it empting the contents of her stomach. He immediately rushed to her side and rubbed her back to sooth her. Aniruddh could not look at her like this, struggling, weak, sick. He turned his face and pressed his lips together to not let even a sigh out. How would he handle her if he himself lets go of his controls ?
After a while of her sitting there in case she felt like vomiting more, Bondita got up to move to the sink where Aniruddh reached behind her with a mug of water. She held on to the sink to stand straight as he stood behind her waiting for her to take the mug. She didn't. She gave out a low discomforted sound.
" What is it Bondita...?"
" My... stomach... Cramps..." She said her face twisted in pain.
" Oooh...no.no. Wait..."
He placed the mug to her lips " Take it in and rinse your mouth and we will get you settled for the night ok...? Huh Bondita...?" He looked at her as she nodded and rinsed her mouth. He washed her hands and led her to the room. He made her lay on the bed tucking her in.
" I will be back in a moment Bondita...ok...? Ok...?"
She nodded and he took it as a signal to run out. He ran to the kitchen and started on making the rice bundle. Koyeli and Bihari sat there making preparations for the dinner.
" Quick...a glass of warm milk." Aniruddh didn't know much of how to ease a pain like this, related to pregnancy. What was it even ? He had no idea.
" Is Somnath back...?"
" No Malik..."
" For dinner just prepare khichdi for Bondita and I . And get me some blankets." With this he headed back. A warm bundle in one hand and warm milk in other.
He gave the rice bag to Bondita. After she had tucked the bundle behind her back and rested against bed post, Aniruddh held the glass to her face. She instantly covered her mouth and nose as if to vomit again.
" Bondita...? What happened ? You have to vomit again ? " He asked placing the milk on the side table and standing up to lean a little closer to her.
" No.." she said removing her hand. " I don't...I feel like vomiting by its smell. Milk. I can't..."
" Ok...ok..." He picked up the glass and kept it on the study table, away from her to even smell it. He came back to sit on the chair.
This was what he wanted to know.
This is why he came here today.
" What else do I not know Bondita...?"