AUTHOR'S NOTE: I would like to give a shout out to the wonderful @OneDayMaybe for making a trailer for Holding On! I'll put it up soon! I can't believe that this story is almost over. It's been a rollercoaster for me, but I'm so grateful. Thank you guys! There was going to be two more chapters, but I've decided that I'm going to split one of the chapters in half because it was so long! So there will be three chapters-plus an epilogue and a soundtrack. I love you all.x
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Five weeks. It had been five weeks since the accident. None of us wanted to admit it, not even to ourselves, but we had all lost a significant amount of hope. The doctors said that the swelling of his brain hadn't increased, but it hadn't decreased either. He could be in a coma for months, maybe even years. That was if it remained the same. If it increased... he might lose his life.
No one knew how long he had, not even the doctors. Normal comas usually lasted anywhere from two to four weeks. Harry wasn't a normal guy; so naturally, he wasn't trapped in a "normal" coma.
The thought of losing Harry was unbearable. If he lost his life, essentially, I would lose mine. I wanted him to live worse than I wanted to breathe. In the middle of the night, I would wake up in a cold sweat. I would pant, wail, cry, and everything in between. Liam told me that I must've been having a panic attack. So far I've had eight.
Lately, I'd been pulling up a plastic chair and sitting next to Harry's bed in the mornings. I would watch the sun set outside. The pink, purple, and orange rays of sun that shone through the window danced on his skin, also making his curls glisten. The scratches and cuts on his face were healing, but they were still very noticeable. I tried not to think about the impact of the accident. I tried not to wonder if he felt any pain before he blacked out. I prayed with all of my heart that he didn't.
I held one of his hands in mine, feeling his pulse. The pounding in my head matched with his pulse. To my initial surprise, our heartbeats were perfectly in sync.
I was scared...terrified, to be honest. If I lost Harry, I'd lose everything. If his heart ever stopped beating, I would completely lose every part of my mind.
I also felt an overwhelming amount of guilt weighing on me. In his last moments of conscious living, he probably thought I hated him. What if he were to die? What if his last memory of the girl he loved was one of regret, guilt, and depression?
What ever happened to happy endings?
I held his hand with all the tenderness that I looked at him with. I wanted so badly for him to stir, for his eyes to open, and for him to see me holding on to him. I wanted him to know how much I loved him. I wanted to see his eyes light up again, to see his lips curve into that dazzling smile.
A warm tear slid down my cheek, rolling down my chin and onto the bed sheets that I leaned over.
"Excuse me?"
The four boys and I all turned towards the doorway, where Dr. Morris stood, clutching a clipboard. His eyes were soft, and he bit his lip, giving me one of the worst possible feelings in the pit of my stomach.
"Yes?" Liam spoke for us all.
He stepped into the room slowly, cautiously, as if trying to decide what words to use. I braced myself for the worst.
"We have reason to believe that we need to examine Harry's brain again. If you all wouldn't mind stepping out..." Two female nurses materialized behind him. I squeezed Harry's hand tighter.
"Is something wrong?" I asked, my voice sounding raw and quiet.
The doctor shrugged solemnly, "We don't know. We'll be done in a few minutes, if the five of you would just step into the hallway..."
Niall, Louis, and Zayn all exchanged glances; Liam was already standing up, prepared to do whatever the doctor asked. Niall looked to me, but I did nothing. My eyes fixated on Harry once again. I didn't want to leave him. What if...
"Charlotte, we should leave..." Louis came up next to my chair and held out his hand for me to take.
I took a breath, giving in. Louis took my hand and led me out of the hospital room, where he was now alone with three strangers. When we out in the cold, brightly lit hallway, and the door shut behind us. I stared shaking as the worst-case scenarios flashed through my mind.
"What do you think is happening?" Zayn asked the group, breaking the fragile silence.
For a few moments, no one said a word. Everyone was afraid to.
"I'm sure he's okay..." Liam said in attempts to cheer us up. However, no one believed him. Not even himself.
"Maybe one of us should go get his family." Said Louis quietly.
"Ill go," I offered. The boys all turned to me, sympathy written in every wrinkle in their foreheads.
"Do you want me to come with you?" Asked Niall, taking a step closer to me.
I shook my head, "I'm fine. Thanks."
I remembered where their rooms were- right down the hallway. I had no idea what to tell them, but I wasn't nervous. More than anything, I was mentally petrified. I was terrified for the worst. Why else would they examine his brain again? Why else would Dr. Morris look like he was sorry for us?
As I navigated my way through the throng of nurses, families, patients, and doctors who crowded the hallway, I finally saw the two doors. Taking a deep breath, I worked up the courage to knock on the door to Anne, Gemma, and Robin's room.
I heard a stirring on the other side of the door, followed by a faint, "I'll get it."
The door slowly opened, revealing a very tired looking Gemma.
"Hi Charlotte," She gave a meager smile. Although both of us were hurting and hadn't talked much within the last weeks, we'd become friends.
"Hi," I took a breath, trying and failing to return the smile. Tears formed in my eyes as soon as I tried to grin.
"Is something wrong?"
"The doctors are taking another examination of Harry's brain. I don't know, but I think..." I felt my breathing become unstable, and Gemma looked panicked.
"Is he okay?" She asked urgently.
"I don't know..."
"Ok, thanks. Mom?" She called over her shoulder. Anne showed up beside her in a matter of seconds.
"Hello Charlotte," She nodded at me warmly before realizing the nerves that Gemma and I contained, "What's wrong?"
"It's Harry. They're examining his brain again. Charlotte thinks there's something wrong," Gemma answered her mom, her eyes brimming with tears.
Anne looked to me in alarm, and I knew her mind immediately thought of the worse, "We'll be down there. Thank you, Charlotte."
"Welcome," I murmured, turning around to retreat to Harry's room. As soon as I heard the door shut urgently behind me, I wanted to fall to my knees and weep. The situation was slowly killing each and every one of us. Harry's family, his friends, the girl who loves him- we were all consumed with a burning fire of every kind of negative emotion possible. Depression. Fright. Desperation to keep the boy we all love, but soul-shattering realization that we might not be able to. What a horrible thing- to love something that death takes dominance over.
When I reached the boys, they were all standing silently, waiting for some sort of feedback.
"You told 'em?" Niall raised a brow.
"Yeah. They're coming."
He nodded in response; the other boys all looked sadly past me. I turned around to see Harry's four family members approaching us. We greeted them with hugs. They asked measly questions, we answered with what we knew. We didn't bother making small talk.
After endless waiting, the door we stood in front of slowly swung open. Dr. Morris stood before us, his expression confirming our worst nightmares. I felt my breath hitch in my lungs before he even uttered a word. My world stopped spinning as Dr. Morris motioned for us to come in the room.
We walked, uncomfortably numb, past the doctor's outstretched hand. The all-too-familiar sight of Harry lying motionlessly on cold-looking bed greeted us. With every passing moment, a fragment of my heart chipped off, spiraling into darkness. I clung to Liam for comfort. He rubbed circles into my arm, trying to provide me with the comfort that I couldn't feel.
Dr. Morris walked in front of us so we could all see him clearly. Everything was happening too slowly. One moment, everyone stood around, bracing themselves for whatever the news would be. Moments later, we still stood. I noticed Dr. Morris exchange hushed whispers with the nurses. They all looked at us with looks of dreadful compassion. More painfully long moments passed. The sound of Harry's heart monitor screamed at me. Dr. Morris finally broke away from his conversation with the nurses. He walked over to us, his shoes clicking on the tile floor.
"Hello everyone," He stood before us, twiddling his thumbs while he seemed to search for the words that would break us in the most gentle way possible. I wish he would just deliver the blow! Why did he have to think about how he was going to do it?
"I'm so sorry to have to tell you this. This is one of the most unfortunate things that anyone can ever encounter. And I'm truly sorry."
The words foreshadowed the worst. I could feel the muscles in Liam's arm tense around me.
"Brain injuries are just so unpredictable. I'm sorry to inform you that Harry's brain stared swelling again. We haven't found the reason yet-"
I hadn't realized that I was holding in a sob until a tortured cry escaped my lips. My vision was blurred with tears, and in a minute, they were racing down my face uncontrollably. We all exchanged dreadful looks with each other, as if silently asking, "Is this real? Is this some sort of sick joke? This can't be happening. Not to him..."
"Could he possibly live?" I heard Robin ask the question that we were all too afraid to wonder.
I desperately looked over to Dr. Morris for an answer. Even though I wasn't sure I wanted to know the truth. He apologized with the look in his eyes, "It's a small possibility. But I'm sorry to say- it's highly unlikely. It would take a miracle. Based on the rate of the swelling...I would give him about three days. I'm so, so sorry..."
No one said anything. As moments passed, my cries were echoed. Within a ten second period, everyone's strength broke. Hugs were exchanged as we clung to one another, trying to somehow block out reality.
It was all over for us.
My head pounded as my thoughts scrambled around, trying to sort themselves out. I felt absolutely nothing and absolutely everything at the same time.
Liam squeezed me tightly; I sobbed into his black cotton shirt. The more I cried, the more I felt myself slip away from the world. But harshly, I was jerked back to life as I was reminded that there was nothing we could do. There was no way to escape what was right in front of us.
With my weight depending on Liam and my hands wrapped around his neck, I broke in his arms. I wanted to scream until my lungs bled. I wanted to blame someone- anyone. But I didn't have the energy or the will. I knew that even if I blamed the doctors, even if I blamed Paul, even if I blamed myself, it wouldn't change the cruel, cold reality of death.
Death.
No! Death didn't have rights over him! It couldn't just take him away, could it? That's the thing about death, I guess. It ruthless and relentless, and it doesn't have mercy on anyone. Not even the ones with so much to live for.
In a flash, his entire being raced through my mind. Everything he stood for, everything he was.
I thought of his fans. Some of them would lose all will to live if their idol was no more. Harry saved lives. He helped people out of the darkest of pits without even realizing it. He taught everyone, in their own special way, that life wasn't just a sad story. That there was more out there. But now, they'll question it, won't they?
I thought of his family. Nineteen years ago, Anne gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Gemma grew up with a rowdy little brother whose eyes shone with all of the passion of life. What do you do when the flame is suffocated? I've lost a sister. And as wonderful as she was- as much as I hate to admit it, she was nothing like Harry. She didn't have the light in her eyes that Harry did. She couldn't change your entire outlook on life the way Harry could.
I thought about the boys. For years, Harry was a best friend. Not only was he a band mate, but also he was a brother who shared a dream.
I couldn't bear to think about myself. Because when you finally think about how you'll be affected, it means you've finally accepted it. I wouldn't accept it. I couldn't!
What do you do when the person you'd die for takes their last breath?! How do you live when your entire world is yanked from life?
I yanked myself out of Liam's grasp and stood up. Dizziness took me over, causing me to stumble and almost fall back down. My head was pounding. Black dots and blobs and swirls clouded my vision. I ignore them, charging out of the door. I didn't know where I was going; I didn't need a destination. Everything about the situation weighed on my shoulders, making me crazy. I couldn't make myself do anything right. I tripped over my feet, running into walls and falling on my knees every few steps. I forced myself up and broke into a run. The cool air blew against my tear-stained face as I navigated the endless maze of hallways.
A door popped up in front of me. Stairs. I threw the door open and descended the stairs with all of the panic and rage that could consume a person. I raced down three flights of stairs before I broke out into the hospital lobby. It was packed with people-much more crowded than any hospital should be. They all stared at me. I sobbed loudly, not being able to contain any part of myself, and not caring.
I have to get away. I have to get away!
I pushed through anyone who stood in my way, fighting to the front door. I had to get outside!
I finally reached the glass door. I shoved it open with my remaining strength, and a chilly gust of night air hit me in the face. Lights flashed. It was nighttime. More flashes in my face.
"That's his girlfriend!"
"Charlotte, over here!"
"Charlotte, what's happening?"
"She's crying! What happened?"
"Get out of her face!"
Male voices shouted all around me, but I was blinded by a combination of my tears and lights flashing in my face. With every thought, emotion, and feeling all running through my head at once, it took me a moment to realize who all of the people were.
"What are you doing here?! Leave!" I screamed at them. Covering my face with the palms of my hands, tugging angrily at my blond hair. "Go home!" I screamed through my hands. My right leg buckled beneath me, and I fell on to my knees. My hands felt a sharp sting from scraping against the cold cement. More cameras flashed around me. I pounded my fist against the ground as my tears fell. Harry's face flashed through my mind in my last moment of consciousness.