~•~
~•~
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I had been honest from the beginning, my situation could've turned out even the least bit different.
Maybe if I had told the boys the real reason why I couldn't stay and why I couldn't have a mate, then I wouldn't be put in the position where I felt like I had to choose. Though in reality there wasn't much choice to begin with. There shouldn't even be a second thought to this decision, but my heart so badly wanted there to be.
The second we're born, our fates are sealed. Our destinies are written. We're stuck with what we're given.
Though for me, my fate was sealed even before I was born.
Know the difference between a selfish act and a selfless one. The line between both is very thin. She used to say to me. With your "gift," you'll be put in impossible circumstances with impossible decisions.
She was right.
Looking up at the morning sky, I let a tear fall from my cheek.
What did I do to deserve this? I thought to myself, hoping somewhere up above my Mom would be able to hear my thoughts and feel guilty for everything she's putting me through. Why can't I be selfish and stay?
No response as expected. Having a dead mom didn't exactly make it easy to have the best mother-daughter conversations. But I could almost see her cold eyes looking down at me, her monotone voice whispering in the wind what she had said to me every time I cursed my own fate.
Nobody does anything to deserve anything. Sometimes you owe life and have to suffer the debt. You owe, Gray.
Maybe she had been right. Maybe she had been wrong. But I guess there was no right and wrong in this situation. Both ways I still lose. Both ways I'm still destined to a life of loneliness and stained hands.
If my mother could see me now I knew she'd lecture me for sitting here, crying to myself quietly. She'd lecture me about how she had not lost one but two lovers and how I couldn't complain as she had gone through double my pain in half the time. She'd berate me for my self-pity and probably tell me the story of how my father died as if I didn't already know it. As if her bitter eyes that could hardly look into my own and the absence of her presence in my most dire times of need, weren't constant reminders of that story. The story of how my prewritten destiny was to have my father killed. The world had stained my hands before it'd yet to touch me.
But thinking now, maybe if I was honest with the boys then my life would've been easier. Maybe they would've steered clear and left me bloodied and dying against that tree stump. Maybe I wouldn't have had to make the decision to leave my mate because I never even would have met him in the first place. Maybe leaving wouldn't be so hard.
Maybe they'd understand that I couldn't have a mate and would've helped me reject him. Maybe they wouldn't have let me come here and get emotional by wanting to savor the short time I got to be around my mate.
Maybe I could've played my cards better. But maybe I didn't want to.
~
"Luna! What an honor to meet you."
After the argument with Colin, we finally got him to agree not to let us split up and he managed to arrange it so that all five of us could attend our duties together. It was now after breakfast and the five of us were set out to meet the head pack warrior.
His name was Aston. He was a middle-aged man with tan, wrinkled skin who had a wicked scar going down his left cheek, only highlighting his clear experience in battle. When I had initially watched him walk up to our small group, I was slightly nervous due to the fact that he looked like he could snap me in half with just his pinky finger.
He was a tall man with a bulky stature. His green eyes held clear wisdom and were full of confidence and pride. He radiated power and just by his calloused hands and plethora of scars, I would've expected him to be stiff and cold. But he was in fact the opposite.
He was a joyous man with many jokes and a welcoming aura. He immediately greeted me warmly and swept me into a hug, praising and gloating about how proud he was to have such a beautiful Luna.
By the time I was back on my feet, I was bright red with burning cheeks and joyed with the many compliments he had given me. It had been my first encounter with a member of the community and my first encounter where I was officially acknowledged as their future Luna. Every part of me felt guilty for reveling in the temporary glory of it all but I was allowing myself this selfishness. Just for a little while longer.
Meeting the rest of the warriors went well. The whole time, Lance and Tyler were briefed on what their positions of pack warrior would entail. They were asked to sit out of training for the day, being instructed to watch and observe so that they had time to prepare for tomorrow's training.
We were dismissed after an hour or so of spectating their training. We then moved to the building further into the forest, where the epsilons gathered when needed. When we got there, the meeting had already started. Their leader was talking on a podium before a crowd of around 50 wolves. Each sat in a chair, listening intently to their speaker.
The leader was a fairly older woman. She had gorgeous silver hair and dark eyes with smooth brown skin. The skin on her face was wrinkled due to old age but her dimples only highlighted the charm in her bright smile. She had a beautiful light in her eyes that complimented the way she wore her personality with pride. She was clearly very passionate about her duty as Head Epsilon and it was a great community to experience firsthand.
She talked for a few more minutes, using her hands in dramatic motions as she spoke about how keeping peace amongst the pack keeps us strong. She talked about how being a family gives our pack a bond that even the most trained and deadliest packs couldn't achieve. It was a beautiful sentiment, making me smile as I thought of how me and my family had a bond that made us strong against almost everything.
Once she finished talking, it seemed the meeting was over. We must have been watching training with the pack warriors for quite some time.
The woman, whose name was Lucinda as per Johnny, shook a few hands with a couple of young epsilons, sharing bright smiles and kind words with everyone she passed. When she got to our group, her bright eyes seemed to lighten even more.
"Luna!" She exclaimed happily, making my cheeks immediately flush, still not used to everyone being so excited to see me. I gave her a kind smile as she began to gush about how much of an honor it was to meet me, ranting about how lucky the pack was to have such a wonderful Luna.
Her attention quickly switched to Johnny, her smile just as bright as she shook his hand and began speaking to him about the duties of an epsilon. I drowned out most of the conversation, instead looking amongst the building we were standing in and observing it quietly.
It was a cute little stone building with a podium and a range of benches for the epsilon's. There were multiple rooms from what I've seen and stairs that lead to the upper level, I assumed that was where they kept weapons or armor of some sort. I didn't care too much to act on my curiosity.
Before we knew it, we were standing in the garden, listening to an adorable old couple named Minnie and Derek speak about the duties Jordan would be handling. It was adorable to see him act so carefree as he spoke animatedly about his love for nature and gardening, sharing stories of his Mom. It wasn't often as a rogue that we had a moment to let our guard down, but when we did, we savored it. Especially for Jordan.
With that last task of the day completed, we all made our way back to our rooms where we'd rest for a while until we were called back down for lunch. Colin had convinced us to try and socialize with the rest of the pack members, saying how most were dying to meet me and how they wanted to get to know their future Luna. I had to stop myself from cringing on the spot, though warmed by the idea. I couldn't bare the thought of abandoning people who depended on me, but that's seemingly all I was good for.
It didn't take long for the boys to be back in my room and for all of us to be bunched up on a sheet on the floor, our beds still much too soft and the air much too stuffy for our liking. Pulling the balcony doors open and opening all the windows, we slept for a couple of hours until we were awoken for dinner. Apparently, we'd slept right through lunch.
As Colin stood in the doorway of my room listening to the boys talk about how their first day went, I stared out of the balcony, into the dimming sun thinking quietly.
Seeing the boys in a pack setting was different for me, for all of us really. We had met over being rogues and now we had ended up exactly where we all fought so hard to run from in the first place. It made me happy and relieved to think about them building a future here. Food, protection, a home. They'd have everything here.
"Gray?"
Hearing my name called, I looked up at the boys, who were now standing in our previous napping spot waiting for me to join them. Shoving down the sadness that seemed to suddenly consume my entire being, I grabbed Lance's outstretched hand, pulling a smile on my face.
Colin began giving us updates on how the boy's instructors felt about them so far. They seemed ecstatic to hear that they were well-liked already. Not just by the instructors, but by their peers as well.
Walking down the stairs, we saw pack members scattered about on tables and chairs. Some kids ran up and down the hallways, old couples sitting in the corner playing bingo in a large group, teenagers lying together talking and laughing. The homey feeling was so distantly familiar, it made a small smile creep onto my lips.
As we made it down to the last step, eyes immediately shot towards us, or more specifically, me. I held my head high, looking confidently into the eyes of each pack member I could make contact with. I made sure to let a small smile play on my lips, not wanting to appear weak but also not wanting to come across as callous.
As I headed towards the kitchen, I checked behind me looking for the boys, only to see that they were conversing happily with Aston, the head pack warrior. I smiled at the sight, turning back to greet the men and women cooking up a wonderful smelling dinner.
"It smells amazing in here." I grinned as I walked in, inhaling the comfort of warmth around me. The sound of utensils dropping onto the counter filled the room as the few occupants looked at me with widened eyes.
"You just be our Luna." A man stepped up to me in awe, his wrinkled cheeks widened into a smile.
"My name is Gray." I smiled warmly, holding my hand out for a gentle shake. Instead, he pulled me into a hug. I reciprocated immediately, smiling against his shoulder.
"We've all been praying that Alpha Caleb would find you soon." A woman suddenly came up beside me, wiping her hands against her pants. Her words made a sharp pain tug at my heart just thinking of my mate, but I pushed it down. She took me into a gentle hug, my arms wounding around her smaller frame.
"It's wonderful to meet you all." I spoke genuinely once we parted, her hands still holding tightly onto mine as I turned to look at the couple others I have yet to greet.
"As to you, Luna." The next man bowed his head in respect, making me shake my head.
"No need to do that for me." I chuckled lightly, shaking the man's outstretched hand firmly.
"We must, Luna." The next woman insisted. "Alpha wouldn't like it if we disrespected his mate."
Letting it go, I continued on talking with the wonderful pair of couples. The man and woman who had initially hugged me were named Judith and Marek, while the second couple named Annie and John. The four were in charge of cooking for tonight for a special occasion, which happened to be my arrival.
They had insisted I didn't help prepare the feast, but I insisted anyway. Not only do I remember my Mom always teaching me that it was of good manners to help your elders prepare for a feast, but I also genuinely enjoyed being in their presence. It was comforting and nostalgic, I wanted to savor that feeling while I had the chance.
Superiority and rank don't matter if your people don't respect you. Respect is earned within the heart. To get it you have to earn it. She used to tell me. So here I was in the heart of the pack, helping prepare a feast meant to honor the missing piece of their pack.
Their Luna who was leaving in a couple of weeks.
"Wow- Luna. This tastes amazing."
I grinned widely at Judith's compliment, my cheeks blushing lightly as the other three rushed to taste the pie she cut.
"Holy cow, Luna!" John grins widely as he grabs his own piece as well.
"Thank you guys." I giggled nervously at their gushing. "It was my Dad's recipe."
The next 20 minutes went on in no time. The two couples asked me basic questions about myself and I answered happily, returning a few of my own as well. As we spoke amongst each other, my mind slowly began to run just as it had done earlier today.
I always knew the day would come when I'd find my mate. And I always knew what I'd have to do when I found them.
My Mom always told me it wasn't a choice. And if I loved him then I'd have to let him go. I had to spare him from the path of destruction I left behind me everywhere I went. My destiny, my curse. It was bigger than both of us. Bigger than mates, bigger than Lycan's.
Bigger than me.
My mate was perfect. In the late-night hours of my sleepy little village, as but a young girl, I dreamt of him. And seeing him now, he was the embodiment of what I dreamt of.
Now in the kitchen, I felt his presence moving around the same ground my feet were planted on. He was on the same territory I was living on right now. He was here.
And yet, I couldn't have him.
No matter how much I wanted to.