I hate Bricria.
I hate everything.
I hate him, and I hate myself for doing so. I hate him, but I can't help hating him because I hate my own personality. I hate him, and I acknowledge that I hate him, for the same reasons I hate myself. Selfishness, I know, for a fact, that I am selfish, and I cant help it. But he is too.
He is struggling, and it reminds me of my own struggles and I hate him for it. I hate him for reminding me of all the bad parts of myself. And I wish I never met him, that he never met me.
I wish Bricria were nothing more than an insolent, arrogant idiot I first pegged him to be. That was before, I guess, he showed me how cunning he truly can be. Like the fact that he now has persuaded Bayou to let me sleep in his tent tonight. So here I am. In an uncomfortably small tent with Bricria. It would be large enough if it was only me- or only him, But with two of us emanating heat and cuddled into each other, the space is tiny.
I wonder what he is thinking? If he is thinking about me, or if it is just me thinking about him... or maybe we are thinking about each other? It is hard not to when you are both confined to a really small space together and are practically forged together as a steel blade is. It is almost difficult, really, to be this close to him and not pluck his eyes out.
That is all I can think about.
When you pluck somebody's eyes out, does their true lazy eye emerge? I will have to test that theory out someday... maybe on Bricira. I wonder if he has a lazy eye?
"What are you thinking about?" Bricria asks cheerfully. "You look like you are contemplating which naughty, wicked daydream you should act on first." He grins. "Please tell me it is the one about how we take these layers off where we are and do something I would consider... fun."
I chuckle. "You have no idea," A layer of mischief enter his eyes so I quickly add, "And the only way I would ever take off my clothes in front of you is if I had hypothermia, and even then, you may have to beg me to take them off."
"What if I peel them off myself?"
"Then you will have your eyeballs plucked out."
He pouts. "Meany."
I stick out my tongue again, forgetting how close we are and almost licking the bridge of his nose.
His grin broadens. "I think somebody is dreaming about horny stuff again,"
I narrow my eyes. "I think somebody is flattering themselves too much,"
He stares at me as if he is trying to figure something out. Some puzzle. "I think that too," He flicks my nose and I scrunch up my face.
"Now who's the meany."
He frowns. "Oh," He wraps his arms around me and cuddle me into his chest. "I am sorry for flicking your nose, I didn't mean to harm you." Bricira says like a child. I push against his chest and his arms fall away. I roll over on my side, well, more like flop over, technically. But don't mind that.
"Branwen..." His voice is questioning. "Can I have some of the blankets?"
"No." I grumble into my makeshift pillow.
He cuddles into my back, wrapping one of his arms around my waist and heaving my blankets on top of both of us. The movement jars me and a gust of cold air blows through the temporarily open blanket. I shiver and he presses closer to me. For body heat.
That is the only reason.
Body heat.
Body heat.
Yep. Body heat.
He better know we are only doing this for that same reason because if he doesn't- "You really are obsessed with me, aren't you?" He asks, baffled that I even let him get this close. He knows that in less than a few seconds I could shift and thrust my talons into the grove of his face and pluck those eyes out for the pure reason to see if he has a lazy eye.
"Shut up or I will make well on my earlier threat," I can practically hear him grin. I thrust my elbow back so it hits him right in the gut. He heaves out of a gust of air that I stole from him, it moves my hair slightly and I shiver again from the unwelcome fridgedness. Sometimes, I hate air.
"Ow," He exclaims. I smile and stick out my tongue even though he can't see me.
Even though I can almost see him stick his tongue out in reply.
-*-
I wake up in a tangle of warm arms. They are wrapped around me and even hotter legs are on top and swirled around my own. I groan and bury my head in Bricrias chest... then realise what I am doing and remove it just as quickly. He seems to be sound asleep. And I dont have it in me to wake him.
I glance back at him, he must have taken his shirt off during the night...
Oh no.
Gods.
I want to kill somebody. I want to kill him for not telling me. I want to kill whoever-
The pink, beige map of scars cover his back from the nape of his neck lower. It takes a lot to put lasting damage like that on a Faerie, a Tomairsitkiz especially, only steel can-
Oh no.
I spring out of bed, straddling him and not caring if he wakes up I focus on each tiny scar. Tracing them with my fingertips and he groans. Awake. I press down with my thighs to warn him not to move. He freezes and his back goes rigid beneath my touch. I swallow down bile as I outline each uneven pathway that should have been less taken. I feel him flinch.
"Who," There is pure ice in my words and I don't care to filter them into cool indifference. "Did this to you, Bricria?" When I say his name he seems to soften. Fool. I am on top of him and can kill him at any moment, and he has the audacity to SOFTEN?
"Somebody very dear to me." Is all he says. And I grab ahold of a fistfull of hair, I lean down to where my mouth is right next to his ear and whisper, furiously, "You didn't answer my question."
"I will if you let go of my hair," I do quickly and he sighs. "Leysa." I want to scream, Good thing she died in a freaking torture chamber. That... thing deserved worse for what she has done. He may be an idiot and fool, he may be insane, but nobody deserves to be cut with steel THAT many times and so deep that it will leave scars for the REST of his ETERNAL LIFE. Why the hell did he trust her? Why would he ever trust another Faerie when he knows, he knows,that everybody and everything is horrible and manipulative and cruel and just mean. And not even in our clan's way.
"She..." He chokes on a sob and I try to glare at him but instead end up wrapping him in my embrace. He pulls his head into my lap and I stroke his face, playing with a few strands of hair left in my reach.
"I know," I console, even though I want to strangle him. "How could you trust a person?"
He sniffles and looks up at me, and I realise, currently, he is trusting me. I let go of him and he hurriedly stood up. "I have learned my lesson and I vowed to never trust another but my soulmate."
I nod. "Good." But I want to snort. Fool. Only make vows you can keep, not such arrogant, insolent things such as that.
Bricria walks away without even a parting glance and I finally allow myself to scream and I even let a tear escape from my eye.
I haven't cried in eons.
-*-
I walk out of the tent approximately 25 minutes later. Almost everybody is up, except Ahmya. But with her, Bayou or Thanatos may have to drag her and drop her down a tree in order to wake her up.
I like that idea. Maybe I could pluck her eyes out afterwards to see if she has a lazy eye.
I like that idea too.
I sight Bricria, with his shirt back on and his eyes drawn downward as everybody else talks. WHat is he thinking?
My steps are sure as I walk over to him and nobody even spares me half a glance, caught up in their everyday shenanigans, I guess. The conversation must be that interesting. Generally I demand their attention when I enter.
"What do you want, Branwen?" Bricria asks me as I sit down beside him on the log. I yawn.
"You always have such tasteful manners, Bricria." He narrows his eyes.
"You didn't answer my question." He states.
What do I want? What do I need? What does anybody need so much they would sit next to their sworn enemy who may be just as broken as them and that is why you hated them your entire life, because they are you, and you hate yourself.
I banish the thought and smile. "What does anyone want?" He grunts.
"To never meet a girl named Branwen,"
"Says the guy named Bricria." He chuckles.
"We know what an Encantados wants, a Bwardipuginin, and even a Laritione. But what we don't know is what a Tomairsitkiz, like ourselves, want."
This time, I chuckle. "Okay music geek. A Encantados wants a Bwardipuginin, everybody knows that. A Bwardipuginin likes to be a little spicy, so they like us." He nods. "Laritiones like knowledge..." I trail off.
"But what do we want?" He finishes.
"Hmm," I rub my chin thoughtfully."Power?"
He looks at me. Serious now. "Advantage?"
I narrow my eyes. "Love that knows even how dark we truly are, yet stays with us till death do us part." He nods.
"Love is power, death is an advantage. And the dark signifies our souls." I smile.
"We need to make a song. "
-*-
An hour later and we are singing horribly in our tents. We left our last camp behind, but since we got out so late, dusk started to break through the light and so we had to set camp up again. And quickly. Before critters came out and the shadows weeped at our every step.
"We want!" Bricria sing-songs, even though it sounds more like a banshee screaming for help.
"LOVE!" I join in. We jump in sync on our makeshift beds. "LOVE THAT UNDERSTANDS US!" We yell. "LOVE THAT KNOWS US!" I laugh as we sing the next verse. "LOVE THAT STAYS WITH US TILL DEATH!"
"DO!" Bricria screams.
"US!" I join in. "PART!" We sing together. And the rest of the song is a blur until we get to the end and fall into a heap on our blankets. I burrow under mine. Laughing.
"We are idiots." I grumble. Bricria chuckled darkly. "We truly are."
Our tent moves a little as Bayou enters. Disgruntled and all grumpy.
"What in Abilenes name is happening in here?" He yawns.
Thanatos comes up from beside him. "You almost woke Ahmya up, and just for you to know, she is a force to be reckoned with when awoken."
"And when she sits on a pebble," Bayou agrees tiredly. Thanatos looks shocked for a moment before nodding.
"So..." Bayou starts again.
"We were singing." I say simply.
He seems to sag with relief. "I thought something came and ripped you to shreds,"
And it dawns on me. "Why did you come now then?" I ask questioningly.
He shrugs. Thanatos answers for him. "We didn't want to be eaten by whatever ate you, so we waiting till all the ruckus stopped." He yawns again. I narrow my eyes.
I feel loved.