CLAY'S POV
How could my girl sleep with my best friend? How could my best friend sleep with my girl? The second question puzzles me more than my first. Nick knew how I felt about her. Even before we became boyfriend and girlfriend. So how could he go and sleep with her? We have a bro code. He broke that.
He broke that before I did the unthinkable and destroyed her. I get it if it had happened after I called it quits but... it wasn't then. Even then it wouldn't have made sense. He knew that I loved her. And always would. She was mine forever.
But Karl was right. She was right. I hadn't always kept to my hand. The guilt did hold heavy after my stupidity took over. We had a pact to never share. But I was sharing myself with others because I was selfish then. I was young and selfish.
It's not like I did it all the time. It happened twice after we tried to stay exclusive. Two times outside the one girl she caught me with. I think that's a pretty good track record for the time we had committed to just the two of us without a label.
Actually, it had been three. The most recent time was just before she moved in with me for the first time. I don't know what had gotten into me. I needed a release. She was working and she wouldn't come. She needed her job to stay afloat. When all I needed was her to stay afloat. The issue was she didn't come to save me when I needed her. But that was my fault.
I never wanted to push my problems onto her because she has enough. So instead of being an adult I fucked my feelings out. I didn't even do it for the sex. I did it for the distraction. I forced the girl out as soon as it was finished. The guilt ate me up inside. But I could take back what had been done.
"Baby." I knock on my door before entering. She left because she needed space. I didn't want to invade her privacy if she wasn't ready. This was her space, her safe space, as much as it was mine and Nick's.
"Come in." She says softly and I slowly enter. She's sat with her legs dangling off the edge of my bed. She looks somehow at peace with all of this. She looks like the weight of the world has been lifted from her shoulders.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Nick the moment it happened." She looks up at me as the words leave her mouth low. Almost as if she's embarrassed by her actions.
"You didn't want to hurt our friendship. His and mine. And ours." I take her hands and crouch down in front of her. Her eyes focus on mine intently. She's going to give me her all. She always has. This is a big weight to carry around. My poor girl. "We make mistakes."
She nods her head and I can tell all she wants to do is be in my arms. She wants to be held and comforted but we need to talk. We can't just let things slip. It's going to break us again. We can't have that. We can't do that again. We can't go toxic.
"I'm sorry for not giving you my all." I sigh as I drift my eyes away from her. I don't know if her eyes will hold hurt but I can't bare to know. I don't want to see it if she is. I've hurt her enough. "I'm sorry for breaking promises and lying. I just hate hurting you. But it seems like all I ever do is hurt you."
"You can't hurt me when I already know." She copies my sigh with one of her own. "Us girls, we are crazy. I've found the hair ties. The Bobby pins. The random shit girls leave behind to mark their territory like they'll be back." She plays with the necklace on my wrist. And there's something about this sweet action that fills my stomach with butterflies and a warmth so powerful I feel like I'm falling more in love with her every time. And each time I don't think that could even be possible. But it is. Because each time she fidgets with it I love her more.
"You've done it?" I question her trying to think about things she's left at my place. Except she leaves everything at my place. My home is her home. Even when she wasn't living here. A lot of her things scattered every room of my house. She's always done it. From day one. Before we even knew how to love. Before we knew the tricks.
"Of course." She meets my eyes. Forcing me to look up at her. "Your first girlfriend. She found something of mine at your place. She called me out about it at school the next day. No matter how many times I tried to explain to her that I was just your best friend she didn't believe me. She was right, that was a lie. I wasn't just a best friend to you ever." She says truthfully.
We were never just best friends. Because we could never be just friends. There was too much time. Too much love. Too much history. Too many feelings wrapped up from day one. Forever lusting, forever smitten by each other.
"You know every lie I've ever told. Every secret I hold. There is no hiding anything from you." I state but also question. Because I want to know what's running through her mind. I'm not perfect. I'm not a kind reader. I'm not... her.
"Yeah." She replies quietly. "The only thing you've hidden well was when you broke me. I couldn't see through that. I thought I did. I thought I saw the fake tears. But... I didn't trust my gut."
"Always trust your gut baby girl." I poke her stomach causing her to giggle. A giggle that pulls me back down to earth. A giggle that settles my wounded soul.
"I'll follow it from now on. I've learned my lesson." She smiles a little. But only for a short second. The smile fades as another thought takes over her mind. Her beautiful face fills with sorrow and I instantly want to wipe that feeling away.
"I'm really sorry Clay." She says as she stops her fidgeting to pull me into her. I give her what she's desired this entire time. I hold her tightly because we've spoken. We talked things out like we should have always done from the beginning.
She's got to call me out for my bullshit. She has to call me out in my lies. She's got to stand up for herself. She can't let me walk all over her. She will crack and crumble and turn nonexistent. We can't have that happen again.
"Baby, it's okay. Really stop apologizing. You have nothing to be apologizing for. We've both done shit we regret. What's done is done. All we can do is move forward. But I have to ask one last thing..." I hesitate before I continue.
The question I have to ask I don't even know if I want the answer. At least most of all I don't want her to lie. I'm not good at calling her bluff. I may know her better than anyone else. But she's always been a master at masking her feelings and emotions. No one could read her. Not even herself.
"Am I better?" The question almost leaves my mouth with laughter. Because I can't even believe I'm asking this god damn question.
She slaps my arms playfully before a wide smile takes over her face. Her eyes crinkle in the corners. Her smile is genuine and real and it makes me feel alive. "You're the best. No one beats the Almighty Clay."
I flex in front of her claiming my crown of superiority. She lets out more giggles as she wraps her little hands around my bicep, squeezing the firm surface. Yes I've been working out for you baby girl. I'm trying my best to be the best for you.
"You're an idiot." She says before placing a soft kiss to my lips. Today's supposed to be about being with the guys. It's the first time we're meeting but I don't want to leave this space with her. I'm happy here. Like this. Being two idiots in love.
"Yeah, I'm your idiot." I smile down at her.
"No you're George's idiot but I'll take it for now." She chuckles before pulling me back towards the living room. She's always the one to keep things on track. She keeps my head on straight. She keeps me focused. I need her to survive. That sounds crazy. But what's life without being a little crazy.
"Sorry about that." She apologizes instantly to our friends. "I shouldn't have done that. We're all good." She looks between my friends and her eyes land on Nick. She knows she's hurt him the most. She knows every time she looks at him a little longer or spends too much time with him that now I'll worry. But I need to learn to trust her. She's my girl. She wouldn't hurt me. We weren't together then. But we are now. She won't break us like I have.
"We good?" She asks Nick specifically. And jealously doesn't ping like it normally would. I stay calm. I stay cool. I stay collected. I don't eye my best friend. I don't react at all. It's just... normal. How it's supposed to be.
"We're good." He shoots her a smile and the conversation ends there. We all move on like all of this didn't happen. We are good at forgetting. We are good at moving on.
The six of us head out to lunch. Or breakfast. Or at this point it might even been dinner. I don't even know with how fucked my schedule is. But we all just chitchat and have a relaxed day. Karl and Q will be staying at the house. And unfortunately, that means my girl will be uncomfortable. She's never been great at accepting new people. Always been shy. That's why I'm her one.
It's weird to see her so distant from people. It's been so long since she's been like this. She's finally become her own person. Able to accept people more freely. I taught her that. I taught her how to be open and inviting. Someone had to. I would watch her glow fade when I walked away. I need the world to see her how I did.
"You guys going to do streams?" She asks even though she already knows the answer. She's trying. That's all that matters.
"Just one on each of our channels that's it. Get one day a piece. An hour or two." Karl says quietly. He tiptoes around his words now. Calculating everyone perfectly before letting them fall past his lips.
"Are you going to do a stream?" Alex looks at my girl as he speaks. "You should first time stream with all of us. You'll pop off."
"I already pop off." She mimics his accent on pop off and we all burst into laughter. She fails miserably but it's the cutest damn thing I've ever seen.
"She's not wrong." George agrees with her. And he's right to. She did one stream on my account and everyone stayed. They didn't leave when they realized that it wasn't me. They stayed. They watched. She captivated them like I do. My fans love her. And I'm so fucking glad that they do.
"I'm the queen what can I say?" She flips her hair over the shoulder. She's opening up like she opens up with me. Like she opens up with Nick and George. God, I love seeing her being herself with no care or fear of judgement.
"I don't know how she's like dating everyone's favorite cc." Alex speaks but he's wrong. I'm not everyone's favorite. I might be the one with the most subs but I'm not the favorite. Especially not when I'm taken. I'm less desirable.
"I'm just that good." She smirks at Alex but it instantly fades. She's the master of faking a smile. Even more of a master than I am. And I'm know for that and that only. "No actually, everyone hates me. The only reason they like me is because if they think Clay and I will break up one day, they won't have a chance if they're mean to me."
"Baby that's not true." I comfort her even though she needs no comforting. I mean she is right probably for some. They only like her because if they don't I don't like them. But... who knows. She has to have some fans. There are over twenty-seven million people. A handful have to love her for her.
"I'm fine with it either way. I don't want the spotlight anyways. But if you want me to start a twitch channel for the off time I would stream I can. If you guys want me to." I look around at my friends as she does the same.
I don't care what she does honestly. If she wants to start a channel I would support her. I did when we were going to do a channel together. And I would still do it now. I don't know what she would do but we would figure it out. If she just wanted to do random irl streams with my friends and I that's fine. I'm just here to enjoy whatever ride she wants to go on. And I know my friends feel the same way.
"Let's do it." Alex says. He's trying to open up to her. He wants her to like him. But no one can hate him. He's pretty great. He's our sophisticated goofball. Literally Lawyer to Streamer. He's kind of got the weight of the world on his shoulders and he's handling it all very well.
"So five streams then?" Karl asks.
"Fuck it." George says and I swear if his fans heard the foul language they might melt. He hides this side of him so much. He's so different on and off camera. I've never understood why but I guess I had once been like that as well. Hiding my profanities from the world. But I'm an adult. If people don't like it, find someone else to watch.
"Well I know what we're doing tonight." I say as I pull my girl into my arms. She instantly snuggles up into me. She will never turn down a perfect cuddle moment. She will do anything to be in my arms. And I fucking love that feeling.
"I can do it. You should spend time with your friends." She looks up at me through her lashes and I could physically melt from the glance. Something about it just fucking gets me. She looks so innocent. It gives me all the tingles in all the right places.
"Baby..." I run my hand down her cheek. She feeds into my touch in the exact same way Patches would. She is absolutely so loveable. But god damn she can also be a god damn demon at times. And I love her both ways.
"Its okay." She giggles to comfort me. I want to spend time with all of them. I don't want to separate my time. I know my friends are here in Florida to spend time with me but fuck. I really fucking hate having to spread myself so thin.
"You are so whipped." Alex says to me and everyone at the table agrees in unison. Even the one that I love. And I honestly... agree myself. She's had me so whipped and wrapped around her tiny little fingers for so long it's just become normal.
The rest of the day goes as it should. We fall into place just as we do online. There is no awkwardness. There is no distance. We are the best friends we are online, in person. It's how it's always supposed to be.
The house falls quiet late in the night. Karl is staying in my girl's room. George is in his room. Nick's in his. Q is on the couch. And my girl and I are locked up in mine. She's fallen silent in her tired state. Her head rests against my shoulder as I work on the computer. I'm doing exactly what she told me not to worry about. I'm setting up her entire twitch channel because she's a lost cause when it comes to that.
"Baby girl you should really get into bed." I run my hand down her back, taking my focus off the computer screen in front of us. She doesn't speak. She just curls up into me more. She clearly needs my love. I feel like something's bothering her. There has to be something bothering her.
Despite wanting to know I don't push. She's exhausted and maybe this is all inside my head.
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A/N: after the tragedy of last chapter. i felt like i needed to put in the wholesome content. you're welcome. XD but... what's bothering her? what's got her so cuddly? uh oh.
if you're enjoying make sure you vote and comment. <3
much love, Ashley