What was he doing...?!! She didn't want to be with him right now, didn't she make it obvious enough...!
Apparently not...
She tried to free her arm again with a little force only for him to now grab both of her arms. Being this close to him was escalating her irritation with him. Thakuma had got to her, the words had awakened a new fear in her heart. Earlier she knew she had been wrong and her pati babu had taken some unjust steps to bring her back, he had hurt her but she had made peace with the fact that both the parties were wrong to some extent and in the end it all had been for her good. But she was scared now...for her future. What if he finds himself stuck in another situation where he had to give her up ? He sure had been working hard on a path that might lead to it.
Would he...? Could he...?
She wanted to ask him but didn't know the right words to probe him with. And what if his answer was not to her liking. His whole reaction to sharing a room had been an indication, if not a confirmation, that he was not entirely comfortable with her...not to every extent. He had not answered her when she had asked if he was comfortable with sharing a room with her. Was it maybe because he knew his answer would hurt her ?
That one unanswered question had now made a permanent room in her angery little head. Who knows how many answers had he ignored or had hidden away from her, and himself, just so it didn't make Bondita uncomfortable.
But was it not so close to lying ?
Bondita had noticed the slight and gradual change of Aniruddh's body language around her over the years. He was not as frank with hugging her or holding her like before, times when a sudden incident of sheer excitement or that of a pain made her jump into his ever welcoming arms. It was not like the contact was totally lost but yes, she could not remember when he last held her close to him, his heart.
He did not open his arms to her more often.
All was noticed by Bondita but today she was pondering over it.
And he had told her nothing had changed between them, nothing would change between them. So unaware of the fact that it had taken nothing but a spill from an inkpot for her pati babu to realise that the change was invitable.
She knew he had been lying to her, to save her from all the pain.
She knew why was she angry. It was all because her pati babu didn't even know what she was thinking, that how she had been controlling her emotions over the years, how she had stopped herself from asking him questions because it would hurt him. Wasn't he supposed to be her rakshak... wasn't he her shikshak ? Then why wasn't he protecting her from all the emotional damage and questions ?!!
" Because you tried to hide them so well" her inner voice trying to surface was ignored. She would not listen to anyone today.
And having an aray of unsorted thoughts had her confused. She was angry at her pati babu but was even more angry at her Thakuma.
Wasn't she supposed to love her, pamper her while she was on a short visit to her own home. She was her own family, flesh and blood. She knew whatever the conditions of the marriage were, the couple was happy in their own little world. But no, she just had to come and ruin everything. She knew her pati babu had been living in guilt over the years and that she herself had been practicing control over her emotions. And they both were trying to get over it, had succeeded to some extent and were now happy. And thakuma had erupted their work over a conversation.
Why was her own family like that ? Where would she go if she ever found herself in trouble with her pati babu, if to believe thakuma, was soon going to happen.
The fact getting clear in her mind...she had nowhere to go...other than her pati babu. No matter how much he screamed at her, punished her, scolded her, disciplined her...it was only him who would take her in his arms in the whole wide world.
That too without expecting anything in return, trying to change nothing about her.
She hated her thakuma for all the conflict she created in her mind this evening.
Aniruddh had no inkling as to why Bondita was running from him but he was not letting her go. Any other situation and he would have given her some privacy but the bruise on her arm and the pain in her eyes was stopping him from doing so. He had an idea or two as to why she was behaving like this but he needed confirmation.
Bondita now kept her hand on Aniruddh's chest to create distance between them making him mad. Any other situation and they both would be blushing to their roots by now but not now. This small act from her felt as if she was defying him.
Denying him.
" Bondita...you will tell me and you will tell me now...!"
" I don't want to...!!! " She now used the said hand to push him a little.
Physically it made no impact, mentally he was taken aback. She was now physically pushing him away from her.
" Bondita...! Why are you doing this...?!" His hand holding her's now, she was withring in his grip.
" Because... I don't want to be with you and I surely know you don't want to be with me either...not in the future to be specific." Yet another push, her both hand on his chest now, not trying to hide the desperation of wanting to get away from him anymore.
" Do you even know what you are saying...? Who told you that...? Who had you been talking to ??!!!!?" He brought her so close to him that it was now difficult for her to push at him.
" Is it not true ?" She asked, pausing her struggles for a while. No answer. " There is no point. Just let me go." And she struggled again.
" No..." It was a growl.
She was now really putting all her efforts to create a distance.
" No...!" His grip so tight he was after that he would end up giving her a bruise.
" Pati babu...! No...!" She could start feeling the beginning of a slight pain on her wrist where he held her, trying to imprint her hand over his heart.
" Bondita...!" He was getting so impatient now, he feared...feared for her.
" Pati babu you said a no means no...!!" She yelled, giving one final tug, one of her bangles giving away to the movement.
Shock washed over Aniruddh, his grip on her hand and arm lossend, quite not able to let go of her.
He was trying to get to know what was upsetting her and he gave her all new reason for it. He looked down. She looked frightened. Angry...and frightened. He knew he was the reason.
What was he doing pulling at her like that...?
What was happening to him today...??!! He was not acting like himself. The whole evening he had been tensed, worried, angry, confused and infused by guilt. All he had been wanting was to be with Bondita, if not to share all his turmoil, to just be near her. And after this whole day when she finally did come near him, she already had plans of running away. From him. It was like a last straw for all the negativity going up and about today. And he acted irrationally.
First he picked her up, without there being any reason other than the fact that she was using her little feet to move away from him, like a caveman. And now was trying to cage her with, what he did not want to acknowledge, no intensions of letting her go.
Looking at her tear stricken face he painfully realised that she must have had her own set of difficulties going through the day. He was not unaware of the taunts that women had been passing her, how thakuma was actually trying to humiliate her by asking her to wipe his feet. He knew Bondita did not mind helping him out but the words used by her own thakuma and the intensions behind them must have hurt bad.
It was difficult here for him but not as bad as it could be because he was their guest, jamaibabu. He knew thakuma, with all her whiplash talking, had gone easy on him, in her own way.
But she would not have spared Bondita at all. He knew Bondita was trying to run away from him because of something that he obviously and obliviously did but he knew thakuma was behind all this.
But whatever the course the evening took, it should not under any circumstance, have lead to him forcing her to be with him. That too using actual force. Realisation of his present action hit him in gut.
" Bon... Bondita..." His voice cracked. His fingers lightly brushing over her skin, as if to soothe her. " Bondita...so sorry... I..I.. am so sorry... I didn't mean to...to hurt... I am sorry Bondita..." He had now completely traced his hands back from her skin but he still didn't let them fall to his sides.
Aniruddh had tears of regret. How would he now make her understand ?
Bondita felt the wave of anger, she felt for him, pass away just by the sight of those tears. She believed his eyes, his tears, his words, his emotions. He was sorry. She had just expressed her displeasure towards him with no context. He would have been confused. She knew she would have tried to stop him too if she had strength enough, if the roles were reversed. They had given that right to each other.
Looking at his guilt and horror stricken face she knew he had already dipped himself in guilt. He knew not what was going on in her mind but he knew he had made her a bit uncomfortable. And was about to over analyse the hell out of it like every time he made a smallest mistake towards her. Yes the physical tuft was unexpected but it was hardly as serious as the expressions of self loathe on his face. She knew he might have even gone ahead and was comparing himself to the other men who handled their wives poorly.
Realisation running through her, it felt like she was looking at him for the first time since she entered the room. Standing before her was a man who cherished her like no one else could ever do, not even her family. She knew both made mistakes this evening. She knew she had to be blamed more for just coming up and dropping a bomb on him. It was just his reaction, though a little uncalled for and a lot surprising to be able to allow her to maintain her composer, he did it all only because he was worried. And to be honest he didn't do much...
But in the end, she knew, he would end up punishing himself more than he deserved.
And all for her. Just because she was crying. Just because she tried to get away from him, which everyone who knew Aniruddh Roy Chowdhury knew, he hated. And as angry she was with him initially, she knew he was not responsible for the fall out they were about to have that night. It was all Thakuma's fault. All her's.
And she wanted to vent out. To complain to him how she had not been able to ask him questions, how she had emotions pent up in stacks.
And most importantly she wanted to complain about how thakuma treated her. How she tried to get in her head, tried to get between them, how rude she was, how she tried to seed a fear in her heart and how she had hurt her arm.
She wanted to complain to him like a child would. And he was the only man in this whole wide world who would take her in his arms and listen to her, feel the pain she felt and by the end, would treat her wounds. After all that had gone wrong and was going on, he still was the only one.
And so she jumped in his arms, those were still around without touching her, the arms she was so tirelessly trying to get out of a few seconds ago. She threw her arms around his torso, clutching his kurta, hiding her face in his chest.
And she let herself go. All the emotions, guilt, questions, confusion, complains she had pent up for two years, running down with her tears. And the moment she felt his arms holding her in return, she knew she would be able to rid herself of all the misunderstandings tonight.
All inhibitions were to break like she broke down in his arms tonight.