It was entirely possible I was having a good dream or I was having a good morning. I hadn’t decided yet between the two options. All I knew so far was that it smelt pretty good where I was laying and I already knew the reason.
Although, I wasn’t sure why we were getting woken up at this ungodly hour. I could hear Remi’s annoying voice and Raegan responding every now and then but I was far too lazy to bother listening into their conversation. Instead, I managed to tighten my hold around Raegan’s waist and pressed my face into her hair which was the source of the nice smell. It was a comforting smell. Coupled with being warm and sleepy it was a nice combination.
I was hoping Remi would take the hint and kindly go away but alas, she wouldn’t shut up.
‘What’s all the talking about?’ I grumbled out, backing away slightly to stretch my limbs and shooting her a glare which she most likely didn’t even see.
‘There’s a visitor in your bed,’ Raegan replied in an amused tone.
I squinted over at her as she spoke, noting that she looked a hell of a lot better than she did last night. Her cheeks were pink and full of life again plus she looked like she was entertained by my dissatisfaction at being rudely woken up this early on a Sunday. Better than being sad and in pain at the very least.
‘Too early to talk Remi,’ I said, barely stifling a yawn and throwing myself back down onto the nearest pillow.
Maybe Remi would leave if she felt grossed out by us. Using this thought, I attempted to get back into a more snuggly position like before with Raegan but apparently, she wasn’t having it. I received a sharp flick to the forehead which I can’t say I liked.
‘That’s from Remi,’ Raegan explained.
‘Thanks,’ I replied, accepting the fact that my good morning was officially over with. Well, it was nice while it lasted. ‘How’s the head?’ I asked, wondering whether she was feeling as better as she looked.
Raegan’s smile faltered for a moment.
‘Fine,’ she replied. ‘It was only a headache.’
It was mildly infuriating that she wasn’t completely honest about how she really felt but at least she’d let me take care of her. It was better than nothing. Still, I couldn’t help the frown creeping onto my face. I needed a distraction. Today was not the day to think about her many mysteries.
‘So,’ I said, directing my words to my sister. ‘Where’s your toy boy?’
It made no sense really – Kyle was older than her. But I was not awake enough yet to think of anything more fitting. Nor did I care enough.
‘He was going to pee when I left him,’ Remi replied casually from where she’d taken up the other side of the bed.
‘I didn’t ask for his exact location,’ I grimaced. Didn’t need to know Kyle’s bathroom schedule that’s for sure.
‘Jeez, sorry to interrupt the slumber party,’ Kyle’s voice said from the other side of the room before he closed the door behind himself. ‘Is this an open invitation?’
I was actually hoping everyone would get the hell out of my room so I could go back to sleep. Mostly everyone. Sundays were meant to be a restful day! Not a getting up at the crack of dawn day!
‘No boys allowed,’ Raegan told him.
‘Bradley’s a guy,’ Kyle pointed out.
‘You’re mistaken.’
‘Hey,’ I protested, feeling like I needed to defend myself at least a little. ‘I can prove it.’
‘We’ll all need some evidence to back that claim up,’ she smirked at me.
‘I’ll show you evidence,’ I retorted.
‘Show Kyle. I think he’ll be more interested.’
I forgot I could never win these little arguments with her. She was always prepared with a comeback. Perhaps I had to start thinking in advance. The only way I’d win is if I was five steps ahead of her at all times.
‘Nah, I’m good,’ Kyle laughed, flopping down on the far side of the bed near where Remi was apparently passed out. ‘Your aunt kicked me out of the room while she used the shower,’ Kyle added to her. ‘She suggested that I’d be peeking.’
‘Looks like Kyle likes older women too,’ Raegan said slyly giving me a meaningful look and laughing once she caught sigh of my expression.
‘Too?’ Kyle repeated.
I slapped my hand over Raegan’s mouth before she could utter another word.
‘She’s delusional,’ I said in explanation.
‘If you say so.’
‘Can everyone shut up? I’m trying to get back to sleep!’ Remi complained in a very hypocritical way.
‘You’re the one who woke us up!’ Raegan replied.
‘Actually, it was your annoying voice that woke me up,’ I smirked.
This earned a scowl from Raegan but she ended up rolling to face me and settling back down into the pillow. She turned the tables on me and covered my mouth with her hand to stop me talking.
‘Shut up, you,’ she murmured. ‘Go back to sleep.’
I was actually wide awake now. All the talking and joking around had woken me up to the point where I don’t think it was possible for me to-
She lifted her hand from my mouth and delicately brushed back the hair which had fallen onto my forehead with the very tips of her fingers. I really needed a sixth sense for her mood installed into my brain so I could be ready for when she did things like this. A deep ache went through me when I looked back at her. Her fingers traced my face gently as if touching something which could easily break. It was a strange feeling. Yearning for something which was right there in front of you. Missing her touch even as her fingers grazed over my eyelids and forced me to close them.
I let out a sigh seeing as I couldn’t voice what I really wanted to say. When I felt her tucking herself back down into the covers, my arm shot out of it’s own accord and drew her to my chest. She wasn’t playing fair and I think she knew I was pathetically weak against her when she did soft stuff like that. She had me wrapped around her little finger.
We didn’t have long to rest. Suze seemed determined to wake us all up early. I could live with it today seeing as she was only going to he around for a few more hours. Even so, I needed a strong coffee before I could function like a normal human being. Strange because we’d even gone to sleep super early last night.
We spent the majority of the day in the garden with Suze. Dad left as some point to head back into the office for meeting which apparently couldn’t be rescheduled due to time zone differences or some bullshit. You’d think being as high up as he apparently was in the company that he’d be able to wrangle off one free weekend but nope.
‘Kyle seems like a sweet boy,’ Suze said to me. We were sat on some chairs on the deck – it was a real sun trap here so we had some iced tea to keep us cool.
‘He’s... yeah he’s fine,’ I agreed, not really knowing what to say. ‘Don’t know too much about him, to be honest.’
‘It’s your job to get to know him seeing as you’re Remi’s older brother,’ Suze pointed out, giving me a disapproving look. ‘She says you’ve been giving him the cold shoulder.’
‘Maybe at first,’ I shrugged, leaning back into my chair as my eyes drifted over to where Remi and Raegan were sat huddled together on the grass. ‘I’ve been trying harder to be nice.’
‘Good. There’s nothing worse when you’re dating someone than getting the approval from their family. How’s your dad been recently? Does he always go to work on the weekend like that?’
‘More this past year,’ I shrugged. ‘We had an argument the other day... it was... well I won’t bother getting into it now.’
‘Tell me all about it.’
I knew she’d pester me until I spoke so I just gave in and explained it all. About how he said he’d miss Remi’s birthday and mom’s anniversary and how he’d barely been around anyway. It was sort of nice to vent to someone who knew him just as well as Remi and I did. Suze, like me, didn’t hesitate to give him a piece of her mind. Maybe that’s why be left early today. So he could avoid her lecture.
‘Everyone has different ways of coping with their grief,’ Suze said once I’d finally stopped talking. ‘Your dad keeps himself distracted. Numbed I suppose. He’ll never be able to move on from your mom if he doesn’t seek some kind of help.’
‘Move on?’ I said, finding that I didn’t like the words at all.
‘I don’t mean forget about her,’ Suze said, spotting my frown. ‘But do remember, dear, that he isn’t an old man. He’s not even fifty yet. He has time in his life to... well even marry again. Not that I’m saying he’s ready for any of that- of course he’s not. But it’s not healthy for him to dwell on someone who he can’t be with.’
‘I... I never really thought about that,’ I admitted.
The thought of my dad with another woman felt entirely wrong. Suze was right, he wasn’t old really, in fact he could live to be double his age so sure he had time to move on from my mom and date other people. But it really didn’t sit right with me. They’d been together for as long as I’d been alive and since she died, I never thought about him being with anyone else. Ever. Strange thought.
‘You and your dad have the same look,’ Suze noted after a few seconds of silence in which I brooded. ‘He used to stare at your mom like that. Even after twenty years of being married.’
‘What look?’ I asked, tearing my gaze away from where it had landed on Raegan and back over to Suze.
‘Not sure what I’d call it. But I know for sure I’ve never been looked at like that,’ she smiled. ‘You’re lucky. The pair of you.’
‘I- we’re not-’ I began, feeling suddenly very flustered.
‘Not together? And I’m not sure why. I always thought you were very honest with your feelings, the opposite of your sister in a way. Why don’t you just tell Raegan how you feel? What’s stopping you?’ Suze asked, looking exasperated.
‘Secrets,’ I replied as both Remi and Raegan got to their feet. ‘I left some iced tea in the fridge for you,’ I said to Remi as she joined us. I wanted to change the topic of conversation away from my problems.
‘Thanks, I’m parched,’ Remi said, heading inside to grab a glass.
‘You shouldn’t leave a guest unattended.’
‘I’m here with you,’ I pointed out, shooting Suze a confused look.
‘I don’t mean me,’ she laughed, nodding over in the direction of the pool where Raegan had set up camp on one of the sun loungers.
‘She’s hardly a guest anymore,’ I snorted.
‘Even so.’
I got to my feet and made my way over to the back of the garden where the pool was. It had the cover drawn over it and a few twigs and dead leaves were strewn on top. We hadn’t been able to go in it since the end of last summer.
‘The filter is broken so we can’t use it,’ I said when I was in earshot of Raegan. She jumped apparently not hearing me approach and shot me a frown.
‘Shame. I like swimming. Although, I’m not sure I want to wear that bikini again,’ she replied, glancing down at herself. She was a lot more covered up than yesterday that’s for sure.
‘That’s a bigger shame.’
‘Come over here so I can hit you.’
‘I came here to keep you company and you turn all abusive?’ I smiled perching myself on the edge of the sun lounger next to hers. ‘How cruel. Why’re you all the way over here anyway? Feeling anti social?’
‘No,’ she smiled faintly, looking away and out across the garden. ‘A little guilty.’
‘Why?’ I asked, blinking in surprise at the admission.
‘Your aunt doesn’t come over often you said... and I sort of kept you away from her last night when you were looking after me,’ Raegan explained after a couple of moments.
‘You were in pain,’ I pointed out. ‘You could barely stand up! You expect me to leave you there on your own?’
‘I would’ve been fine,’ she shrugged.
I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that. I felt almost offended. Like she didn’t want me there or I didn’t make much of a difference. Wasn’t she the one that asked me to stay? Why did she ask if-
‘Don’t do that face,’ Raegan said, letting out a long sigh. ‘I wanted you to stay with me but now that I’m able to think clearly, it was pretty selfish of me to ask. I should have made you go downstairs with your family but you’re too nice to me.’
‘I’m not.’
‘Maybe not too nice then. The perfect amount of nice. Anyway, that’s why I’m all the way over here. Thought I’d leave you guys to hang out with your aunt at least a little,’ she shrugged, bringing her knees up to her chest.
‘Without you?’ I asked.
‘Uh-huh. Quality family time and all that. Actually, I should probably leave so you’re not coming over all fussing,’ she mused.
‘I don’t want you to go.’
‘Even though I’m ruining your family weekend?’ she asked, raising her eyebrow.
‘You’re not. And I invited you. And...’ I’d much rather hang out with her than my family that’s for sure. ‘Come on,’ I said instead, pushing myself to my feet. ‘Stop hiding away in the corner and have some damn iced tea.’
‘I’m not hiding-’
‘Not anymore,’ I replied, snatching up her hand and yanking her to her feet. ‘I invited you to entertain me and you can’t do that by being over here.’
‘So, you’re just using me for your own amusement?’ Raegan asked, allowing me to drag her across the lawn.
‘That’s what I’ve been doing this whole time – haven’t you realised yet?’ I asked, sending her a smirk over my shoulder.
‘Bastard!’
* * *
I drove her home hours later after having spent the day with Remi and Suze. It was always a little sad when Suze left but to be honest, we’d be seeing her in a few months time anyway so it wasn’t too bad.
After a car ride in which Raegan attempted to force information out of me about what we were doing after school next week, I finally parked up outside her apartment. At this point I felt like I should have had a parking space with my name on it. I should also get some kind of award for dodging all of the questions she threw my way. She was relentless when she wanted to be.
I got out and grabbed her bag from the passenger seats of the car but didn’t hand it back to her. It was hard to think about saying goodbye right now. It should be easier the more time I spent with her but in fact the opposite was true. I got used to her being around and it felt wrong when she all of a sudden wasn’t there.
‘Thanks,’ Raegan said, hovering in front of me and reaching her hand out for her bag. I didn’t offer it to her this time either.
‘Hmm,’ I murmured, wondering how to say in a non-clingy way that I wanted to spend more time with her.
‘What?’
Actually, there was probably no way of saying it without it sounding clingy. Then again, I didn’t really care about that anyway. Not sure why I was worried.
‘I don’t want to leave quite yet.’
‘Well...’ Raegan said, pausing for a moment as she looked up at me. ‘Come in then,’ she shrugged as if it were strange of me to even ask. It was hard though, knowing if someone was just being polite and really, they were getting sick of hanging out with you. I don’t think we ever had that issue with each other though.
‘So kind of you to ask,’ I smiled. I pushed away from where I was leaning against my car and took the keys dangling from her hand.
‘Make yourself at home,’ she snorted from behind me as I made my way up the short path and steps to her front door.
‘I intend to,’ I replied, unlocking it easily and heading through to the hallway.
I dropped the keys in the small bowl I’d seen Raegan use before. It sat on a little table under the light switch. That I didn’t turn on as I thought about jumping out and scaring her. It’d be funny – for me anyway. She always hated those parts when we watched horror movies together. I didn’t mind them so much because it made her huddled into me like a little coward and it was pretty endearing to say the least.
‘What’re you doing?’ she called from the front doorway.
I’d made my way into the living room, intending on jumping out at her when she came in. Realising she’d probably turn on the lights if I didn’t reply, I spoke.
‘Come find me!’
It wasn’t completely night out but the sun was about to go down. That coupled with the fact that the curtains were closed made the living room pretty dark indeed. I could just about make out the figure of Raegan walking over towards the back window to open the curtains and frowned as my plan fell apart.
‘That’s cheating,’ I said quietly, snatching her wrist aside before she could succeed in opening the curtains.
‘Fucking hell!’ she exclaimed, making me laugh. ‘You scared the life out of me!’
‘Anything to get your pulse racing,’ I smirked, looking down as I touched the underside of her wrist. I couldn’t even really feel her pulse to be honest but I assumed she’d gotten a fright.
‘Never jump out like that again!’
‘I won’t make any promises I can’t keep,’ I declared, expecting a witty response to be thrown back at me. Instead, unless I was mistaken, her face dropped and that guilty expression she’d been wearing earlier made another appearance.
‘Neither will I,’ she murmured.
I took in a breath, wondering whether a day would go by without either of us having to worry about something or other.
‘Why do your words always seem to have a deeper meaning?’ I asked once I’d found the energy to respond. I moved my hands to her waist, wanting her to turn and face me but she didn’t move.
‘Sometimes they just do,’ she replied.
‘They always do.’
Having a conversation with her was like walking through a minefield of things we couldn’t or shouldn’t say. No matter how much I wanted to say some things. Sometimes I even forgot about it. All of today the whole thirtieth business hadn’t even crossed my mind. I’d be glad when it was all over, when I could finally be as honest as I wanted to be. I pulled her back against my chest as a feeling of deep-rooted worry took hold of me.
‘Isn’t it my turn to hide?’ she asked quietly.
‘You don’t get a turn,’ I said right by her ear. She’d already hidden for nineteen years of my life and I didn’t want her to be absent any longer. I also got the feeling that if she were to hide, I wouldn’t be able to find her at all.
‘Not fair.’
‘Life isn’t,’ I said.
Inherently, life was not fair, that was true. Good people suffered and bad people got away with murder. But we seemed to have something good going on right now and I didn’t want to waste it being all miserable and worried about things I couldn’t change.
‘I know.’
Her fingers grazed over the back of my hand and then she slipped out of my hold and I heard her sit down on the couch behind me.
‘Come here,’ she requested.
After pulling the curtain aside for a bit of light, I sat down next to her and leaned back into the couch cushions. I caught her watching me closely, the light from the lamp outside reflecting in her eyes. No idea what she was thinking. She edged over and slowly leaned her head down on my shoulder before letting out a small sigh.
‘Thanks for a nice weekend,’ Raegan said softly. ‘Well, whole week, I guess. You know, there aren’t many people I can stand to be around so you should consider yourself lucky.’
‘I do,’ I laughed. I wanted to tuck my arm around her shoulders but I couldn’t because she was leaning against me and I didn’t exactly want her to move away. I settled instead for resting my hand on her thigh. ‘I can’t stand to be around many others either.’
It was true. I had moments of being extremely social and extremely antisocial. I think mostly everyone did. But there were no other people I could spend time with without getting sick of them other than Raegan. That probably had something to do with the fact that I was entirely in love with her.
‘I’m going to have to kick you out soon,’ she yawned, breaking the silence which had settled between us. ‘I want to go for a shower and do some washing before school tomorrow. Unless you want to do it for me?’ she offered.
‘You think I’d say no to showering with you?’ I quipped, giving her leg a playful squeeze.
‘Asshole!’ Raegan laughed. ‘Now I don’t feel at all bad about kicking you out onto the streets!’
‘Your heart is too cold to feel bad,’ I pointed out, having to swiftly dodge the slap she sent my way.
I wanted to stay longer really, especially if she was going to that awful wash room out back but it was probably good for us to have some space. I certainly had a few things I needed to sort out for the upcoming week.
I stretched my arms above my head as I clambered to my feet and looked down at her seriously.
‘Get a good night’s sleep, okay?’ I told her. ‘I don’t want to see a repeat of last night anytime soon.’
I knew the headaches were probably randomly occurring at best but I’m sure lack of sleep didn’t help keep them at bay.
‘I will,’ she promised, getting to her feet too to walk me to the door.
I watched her feeling around in the dark for the light switch and rolled my eyes. She lived here and couldn’t even remember where it was?
‘Got it,’ I said, stepping closer and flipping it on quickly.
We shared a look of amusement – on my part anyway. She looked irritated at my know-it-all attitude but suddenly her expression dropped as her eyes darted between my own.
‘I saw that picture Remi sent me to get,’ Raegan said abruptly, not moving away. ‘Your mom was in it.’
‘The wine festival picture?’ I asked, sensing she wanted to say something more.
‘Yeah,’ she nodded. ‘Remi looks a lot like her.’
‘She does,’ I agreed, watching her slowly move nearer. I didn’t think she’d yet said what she actually wanted to say.
‘But I noticed her eyes,’ Raegan went on. ‘Same as yours.’
I would say most of the population on earth had the same colour eyes as me seeing as they were just a plain dark brown. Raegan’s were much more interesting being all green and bright. I could probably write a whole essay about them. I mean, no-one would want to read it but I definitely could.
I startled when she reached up and placed her hand over my cheek. She angled my face down slightly and I took in a breath as those sharp eyes of hers seemed to look right through me.
‘I don’t think I ever told you how much I like your eyes,’ she said, voice barely above a whisper.
It was like we were caught in a bubble in which time didn’t move for a long few seconds. It felt like minutes almost as I pieced together all of what I could see, hear and feel. Anyone with a brain would read all the signs the way I was right now. How she was looking at me like I was something she couldn’t live without. How her face was slowly making its way towards my own. I thought she was about to kiss me and for some reason, even though this was the only thing I really wanted in the world right now, I was frozen in place, unable to move or act upon my feelings.
But either she came to her senses or I’d be seriously misreading the signs she was giving off, because her hand left my face and she took a step back. I had to clear my throat before responding as it fell uncomfortably tight.
‘I... thanks,’ I got out. We joked around and teased each other so much that I found it hard to respond to a genuine compliment. I let out my held breath and managed to force on a smile again. ‘For the record,’ I said as I turned away and pulled open the front door. ‘You’ve got the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.’
And probably would ever see. If I never crossed paths with Raegan again after this day, then I know I’d still remember the shape and colour of her eyes vividly. I don’t think I could forget anything about her.
Even the whole drive home, I kept replaying her words and expression in my mind. Why the hell on earth did I freeze up? I could have kissed her. Part of me thought maybe she even wanted me to kiss her then. Perhaps she was giving me a chance but I screwed it up. Damn it.
‘I’d say that was a pretty fun weekend,’ Remi said, finding me in the kitchen nursing a glass of soda and a whole tonne of regret.
‘It was,’ I agreed.
‘Does Raegan get those headaches a lot?’ she asked. ‘She never mentioned them before but actually it explains her behaviour in class. I thought she was sleeping sometimes but now I don’t think so.’
‘She hides it well.’
‘You have your work cut out for you.’
‘She’s not a chore,’ I muttered, frowning down at my drink.
‘I was kidding,’ Remi snorted. ‘You’re whipped cream. Are you going on little dates again this week?’
‘Yep,’ I said, finishing off my drink. ‘And now you’ve reminded me I need to sort some stuff out and stop being a disorganised mess.’