Clay leaves the room and I'm left with Karl again. The world goes quiet while my mind runs wild. I'm honestly silent as I sit back at my computer with Karl. He's on his phone so I'm assuming he's completely tuned out the commotion that Clay and I seemingly always cause.
I type to Karl which causes him to pull his headset back over his ears. This boy is too polite and kind. He is a right gift from god and deserves nothing less than the world.
"Everything good?" He asks as he sets his phone back to his desk.
"Just peachy." I sigh as I drop heavily back against my chair. Absolutely exhaustion filling my body. Fighting always takes everything I have left in me out. It's like sleep pounds into my head calling for the bed I never enter.
"You good Karl?" I smile at the boy who always has jokes waiting to make the world happy. To fill the world with a joy so masterful that it saves lives.
"As good as one can be." He picks his phone up distracted by his ever busy life.
"I'll let you go you busy boy. Thanks for being there for me always. I'm glad we've connected since my return. I couldn't ask for a better friend Karl Jacobs."
Our conversation ends there as the discord call goes mute. My world falls quiet again. The only way to not go wild with the thoughts running through my mind is to do what I do best and retreat to the world of the Dream Team.
Clay has made his way back to his friends in the living room and I can hear their conversations blooming as I make my way down the hall. The three of them are all sat on the same couch talking about whatever they've just watched on the tv.
"Hey babe." Clay's eyes shoot to me as I enter the room.
Patches jumps from George's arms and runs in between my legs rubbing herself against the surface of my calves. I squat down and run my hand down her back a few times before crawling up in Clay's arms.
Touch. That's how you forget. Numb it out with new thoughts. New adventures. There is no reason to focus on the past when you can't change what's already happened. You can only live with it and move forward. That's the point of this fresh start to reset on life.
"How is it that you return and you get all of Patches love? It's like her world revolves around you." Nick ask as he types away on his phone.
"Because we are the only girls in the house. She can only relate to me." I shrug my shoulders as I trace circles on Clay's forearm. It's the little touches. It's always the little touches.
The boys go back to their conversation. Talking about random nonsense while I get lost in my mind. I'm traveling to deep depths. Places I don't want to. Places that are so dark I can feel them engulfing me whole. I'm not just slipping, I'm falling. Falling fast.
My phone buzzing in my pocket pulls me from the depths. It's like someone has his the reverse button on life and I'm racing up and out of the hole. I feel like my phone hasn't gotten a notification in days. My friends are here, with me. I don't have anyone else I need to talk to really. I mean yeah there is Karl and the rest of the guy's friends. But I only talk with them when I'm sat on my computer, or Clay's. That's it.
I look at the name across my screen and I can feel Clay doing the same over my shoulder. "I need to take this." I get up off his lap and disappear into the kitchen. I don't want to go far but I don't want to interrupt the conversation they've been divulged in.
"Hey, how's the store been?" I smile as my old bosses voice follows mine.
"It's been struggling without you. I miss your help more than you know." It hurt me to know that I caused pain for someone. I made someone else suffer and I didn't like that. But I also had to do what was right for me. This was my life and I had to put myself first. I mean... I guess I really just put Clay first. But you get the point.
"If you aren't busy I would like to rack your mind about a few things actually." This woman truly was the most soft spoken and kind-hearted person. She was an incredible boss. She let me do as I pleased. She never second guessed me. It felt good to have someone like that.
"Not busy at all. Was just hanging out on the couch with my boyfriend and our friends. I could use a break from the world of men. I need myself a girlfriend. I swear these boys are so annoying sometimes." I sigh as I take a seat at the dining table. There's no need to stand when I've got a lovely seat waiting to be sat in before me.
"I understand that one." My old boss lets out a laugh before she gets me caught up on everything that's happened since my departure. The entire store is getting a reset. It's a project that started when I was there. I actually planned most of it.
The store was supposed to send someone out to help. But if you know anything about corporations, they all fucking blow and are absolutely worthless. They want you to do something and then do absolutely nothing to help you. You're stuck dangling from a fraying thread.
Our company ended up sending out an email telling us what they expect with no other direction. It was up to me to figure out all out. They wanted all the aisles stripped completely and moved and reset for 'better flow'. It was time staking process that I was trying to make sense of.
I spent hours with a plan-o-gram sprawled out on the desk trying to figure out what to put where. Trying to figure out what made since and what didn't. I was doing the job that someone else is getting paid way more money to do. But instead I was doing it. And I can guarantee I was definitely doing it better than them.
I enjoyed this type of stuff organizing and sorting things out. It's why I worked retail up until moving in with Clay. I loved doing resets and making things look nice. There has always been something so refreshing and satisfying about it.
Watching the way something can go from absolute chaos to a precise detailed view in the matter of hours filled me with a gratification so pure that I don't think I've ever felt anything like it. Not even any moment shared with Clay could compare.
Sometimes I wish I could have that same feeling in the life I shared with Clay. The life where things were just normal. Sometimes I wish I could somehow put this skill to work in my life with him. To help him in someway. Whatever way that may be.
"Do you think that you could mock up some plan-o-grams on the computer to send over? I suck at trying to figure all this shit out. We can't start the reset until all the grams are done and I can't see the vision like you can. If the DM shows up and this reset isn't started I'm pretty sure I'm fired at this point." My old boss laughs before she lets out a heavy sigh.
There is no way that the district manager would ever fire her. She is great at her job she just doesn't have the vison to plan things. I planned everything. I made detail lists of what needed to be done. She was the machine, I was the brains. It's how it worked.
"I have no problem with that at all. It will give me something to do. I've been trapped in this house for too long. I need to get out. I can't leave with the boys because of that issue I told you about when you hired me. So I'm trapped in this house constantly and I can only look at white walls for so long." I let out a little chuckle as I pick at something stuck on the table.
"That's got to be miserable."
"Oh trust me. I'm living in misery." I groan.
"Wow I didn't know my house was so miserable for you." Clay says dead-toned as he accompanies me at the dining table. His body hits the chair next to me with a thud. "Sometimes I forget that a free place to stay is just so miserable."
His tone makes me sick. It makes me want to hit him. An urge I don't know if I've ever really had before. I've been upset, sad, angry at him but never to the point of hitting him. He knew that the point he had just made was the one reason I never moved in with him. And here he was rubbing it in my face.
"I'll call you back." I hang up my phone and as much as I want to slam it to the table, I set it down gently.
"Fuck off Clay." I bite, almost growl, at him. "I'm sorry that I don't like to sit inside all day like you. So yeah it is pretty miserable being trapped in this house." I shake my head. "You know for a damn fact that moving in with you was the hardest decision I ever made. It was harder than choosing to date you. Which sometime feels like the worst decision I've made in life."
"Ouch." Clay says bluntly. Hurt riddled in the singular word leaving his mouth.
"We start dating and all we do is fight. How can I think that it's a good decision? Sometimes I wish I was just doing my little weekend rendezvous to your house. Things were pure. Things were... perfect. Now I'm just sitting here thinking things are just too good to be true. We love each other. We are meant to be together but sometimes that's still not enough." I cough away the emotions that are fighting their way forward.
"Our goods are super high and our bads are extremely low. There isn't like an in between on the scale. We need the in between to be stable. I want a day where I don't have to think about you hurting me. It's all I've pictured for... months." I get up as I finished my short monologue.
The feelings building inside of me are fighting their way out. Sitting still just isn't an option. The shake is controlling me and I feel like the only way I make it is to move. I begin to pace the kitchen hoping it takes away all the feelings running through me. All the emotions rumbling.
"When is the last time you were happy with me?" Clay asks as he bounces his legs against the floor. He has the exact same emotions running through him. He isn't any better at controlling himself either.
"The day you asked me to move in with you. And I didn't want to but finally said yes because... you're you. I would give up and have given up everything for you. I thought why fight the inevitable. It can't hurt things right?" I sigh. "Wrong."
"Baby." Clay gets up and crosses the kitchen and grabs my hands. His hands are clammy and warm. He's anxious and wants to feel peace, he wants me to feel peace.
"We've had happy moments since them. But they last for a moment and then they are just overpowered by something negative. Back then, when you asked the final time, there wasn't fighting and pain. It was two friends in love doing what they knew best." I drop my head against Clay's chest. His hands instantly wrap around me and I follow in suit holding him tight in my arms.
"Loving from a distance. Keeping a life long secret they never thought would ever see the light of day." Clay huffs out so quietly I barely catch the words. It's like he doesn't even want to admit that it's the truth. We were better when our feelings were just that. Feelings unexpressed.
"We had a chase. A mystery. Something to fight for." I admit. We thrived off the chase. The whole idea of wanting something we could not have. Isn't that how it is for everyone though? Once you get what you have always wanted everything fizzles out. At least that's how it is for a lot of things.
"I want to fight for you forever." Clay says sincerely. His fingertips graze my back as he speaks. I know it's the truth. He will fight forever for me. Even if he breaks my heart a million more times he will always come back. But how long does one put up with heartbreak?
"I know you do babe." I say past a sigh.
"If anyone is going to make it through all this it will be us. I can't lose you. I will be selfish when it comes to you. I have always been and I don't care. I love you. I'm not sharing you." Clay places a soft kiss to my head.
I know his words should upset me. He's treating me like an object but it is the truth. He will never share me just like I won't share him. Maybe that's why I accepted being an object to him. Because he was an object to me. I never wanted to share him. But I had to. I had to share him with almost thirty million people.
"I will always have to share you." I say under my breath. It's a comment I mean to keep inside but it slips. It slips quiet effortlessly. The words run wild through his mind. I know from his prolonged silence. I know by the heaviness that holds with every breath that he takes. I can sense a bit of shakiness in every inhale that follows through the exhale.
"And now I'll never get you to myself." I reach up and run the pads of my fingers down his cheek. The surface of him that had been hidden for so long, that was now not. Gosh, I wish it was.
"I have to share you too." Clay lifts his head to look me in the eyes as he speaks in hushed tones. "The moment you walked in on Nick's streams I lost you."
Sometimes I forget that I was just as much of a secret as he was. He had been doing this content creator life for years and I had just recently entered this side of his life. I never really looked at things from his point of view. And I should really learn to do that. His life's changes just like mine did. I wasn't his secret. Just like he wasn't mine anymore.
"Sometimes I wish I could go back to before they knew me." I scrunch my lips up to one side as I chew on the inside of my cheek. "Life was simple then. My traumas wouldn't exist because... no one would have known I was... a part of you."
"Baby, never regret anything. Everything happens for a reason. I couldn't picture not sharing this with you anymore. With George here we can do things together. We can do IRL content. Baby, our lives are just getting started. I'm excited to do stupid silly shit with you and share it with the world." Clay places a few quick kisses to my lips.
"Your fans... accepting Dream and Nameless IRL kissing?" I let out a laugh. "I think I might be murdered babe."
"I mean they have seen us kiss once before. Remember the night before we left your apartment? The live stream?" The memory seems so distant. It feels like I've been here for ages. I've tried so hard to block out the pain of the heartbreak that sometimes I do forget moments like this. "But just in case they've forgotten like you..."
Clay trails off as he pulls out his phone and taps away. I look at him with a quizzical expression on my face. He doesn't look up until my phone buzzes on the table beside me.
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Dream @Dream • 30s
I love you.
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Attached is a video he must have secretly taken at some point. It seems as though he does exactly what I do. He films without my knowledge for memory sake. Not for anything important. Just randomly presses record and sets up his phone to capture candid moments. Simple kisses, simple laughs, simple conversations. Us in our natural habitat.
Clay and I are lost in conversation in the clip. It's a personal conversation. One we shared before we started dating. But something about the way we look at each other in the clip you can tell we are in love. The way our touch is longed like we're stealing the touch from each other. I can see it now. Something I was so blind to for years.
Clay reaches up and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and I feed into his touch. "You look tired love."
My eyes bob closed as my head nuzzles into the hand that is still placed flush against the side of my head. That comfort, that feeling of home, he fills me with is evident in this sweet moment.
"Come here." He pulls me into him and places a few feather light kisses to my lips before carrying me off to his room.
I set my phone down on the table thinking the clip has ended but Clay picks my phone up off the table and places it back into my hands. Again, a confused look appears to my face as I stare at the scene and realize the video isn't over. Seconds go by of footage of an empty couch. And then he appears again, grabbing his phone pointing the camera at his face.
"I will marry that girl one day. You heard it here first. Love you baby girl." The video ends there I can feel tears fill my eyes. Not sad tears, happy ones. The wholesomeness of the clip brings out emotions I've missed.
"Why did you post that?" I meet Clay's eyes as I wipe my hand under my nose as a sniffle slips.
"Let's see if they murder you. This was a long time ago. Before Dream. If they know how long I've felt this way about you... I don't think any murdering will occur." Clay smiles.
"How old is that? We look... like children." I laugh a little as I scooch closer to him.
"I think this was right after your grandma passed. So probably five to six years ago. So yeah, we were children back then." He chuckles.
"And you loved me all the way back then?" I'm a bit shocked that he's genuinely loved me from pretty much the beginning. I know he's always had a special attachment to me. But to love me all this time. To hide it for all the years he did was a shock. I tried to push the feelings away. He clearly embraced them.
"From day one. I picked you out in the cafeteria and was like... yeah she could be my wife." He chuckles again. God, I love this side of him. The sincere side with a mix of joke. This was the boy that I fell in love with. No jealousy. No drama. Just... my boy.
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A/N: okay im sorry but when is a cute boy going to do something like this for me. i want candid moments like this posted for the world to see. like fuck man. where is my love?
aaaaaanyways, enough about my single boring life. if you enjoyed make sure to pop in a comment and a vote. <3
much love, Ashley