"I do this every Friday night. So I guess I will see you then." I look at the stranger with blue eyes for one last second before continuing off to my house without another word.
He doesn't follow. He doesn't chase for more. He lets me disappear into the distance never knowing if he'll the see the stranger who made him stop and enjoy the little things in life again. This was a new feeling.
I was so used to someone chasing me. Whoever entered my life chased. Always looked for answers. Always needed to know what was being done and when it was being done that this was... different. Unique. Maybe this was... normal.
I knew that the relationship that Clay and I shared with each other wasn't normal. Our friends had told us. The therapist told us. But we never wanted to change. We didn't want to break the spell that held the two of us bound together. But... then he did... and there was nothing left.
I had to relearn how let someone jump into my life. I had to learn that not being smothered was okay. Not being controlled was okay. And that is how things are supposed to be. I'm not supposed to lose myself in someone else. We are supposed to grow separately but also together. Have our own lives but also one we share together. Even in just a blooming friendship.
When I enter my home it's quiet. There's no sound emanating from inside. It's dark and gloomy. It's a little sad but I have a glow now to light my way. I have pep in my step again. I flick on all the lights leading to my kitchen. I don't want to sit in darkness tonight. I want to feel again.
My stomach rumbles as I stand in the kitchen and I decide that cooking myself dinner feels like too much of a chore. So I just pull a packet of chips from the cupboard and end up having that for my meal. I know it's not great and I should treat my body better. But it is what it is. It's late and despite feeling a warmth I'm tired.
My bed feels inviting but I miss having the comfort of a warm body. At points like these is when I miss Patches. Not Clay, just Patches. She always knew when more love was needed. She was just a great cuddle when cuddles were needed. I needed a Patches.
Instead of cat cuddles I pull a pillow into my chest and turn on my television. Some random show starts playing and I fall asleep to the noise. It brings me the comfort like I used to have falling asleep to Clay chatting with his friends... our friends.
I miss them too. I miss the way George's immaturity pulled me from dark head spaces. And I miss the way Nick held my hand through the bullshit. I miss how they were both there at the drop of a hat. No matter the day. No matter the time. They were there.
When I wake the next morning, my tv is off and the sun is shining through my windows. The bright light has me groaning, wanting to escape under my pillow. But it is also inviting. It makes me want to start my day with my head held high. The sun is the reason I didn't leave this state to start over. The bright days make healing just a little easier.
My heart feels heavy though. This feeling of needing to step out of the routine I have created fills me. I throw on a the hoodie that I left Clay's house in and take in the scent of him. I have yet to wash away his smell. I can't bring myself to do it because... I'm not ready to let go. Letting go will take time. Now is not the time.
The hair on top of my head gets tied back into a bun as I grab my wallet off my dresser and head for the front door of my apartment. My mind is set for a destination. A destination I've visited multiple times since arriving in my new town.
I walk to the bus station which isn't far from my place and buy a ticket. My fingers run over the town printed onto the thick sheet of paper. It's a town that I know like the back of my hand. A town that is ours. I'm supposed to hate it, hate him for breaking me but old habits are hard to break. Especially when you never want them to be broken.
The bus station is quite busy for being mid Saturday morning. By this time most people are already on route to their weekend getaways. Beach time escapes. Cook outs in the cooler afternoons. But the station is bustling full of people. I pull my hood over my head and slouch down in my seat to hide myself from the world. Despite the bright green hoodie lacing my skin, I try to disappear.
Buses pull in and out of the parking lot. Each one having an array of people on it. Florida natives, foreigners, people from other states. I people watch as I wait for my bus. The more in my own world I seem the less likely someone is going to want to talk to me.
After an hour of waiting I see my bus pull into the parking lot and I depart the station. People leave the bus making room for the few people getting on at this stop. It doesn't take long before I'm journeying back to him.
The bus ride has become so normal that time flies by and before I know it the bus is coming to a stop. I smile as the familiar place begins to fill my eyes. I'm the first person to stand, wanting to run out and distance myself from my new life.
The moment my feet hit solid ground again I'm walking towards him. It's a walk that will take hours. And a walk that will take me past my old house on the way. I have to walk the street where my parents were killed. But the closure I've been given makes it... bearable. Bearable enough at least to get me closer to what I can't have anymore.
I pick flowers along the way. Wild flowers that line the sidewalk, little weeds that look like flowers, even though I know they aren't. I place a pile of them where I witnessed my parent's bloodied bodies lay many years ago. It's the only way I make it through the walk. The only way to not completely lose myself in a tsunami of my tears.
Once I depart my childhood street it doesn't take long until I reach his road. I pull his lime green hoodie off my body and tie it around my waist as I take my first step in the direction of his house. One step at a time. That's the only way I make it down the road. One foot, then the next.
After five minutes of walking I can see the shape of his house begin to merge into my sights. I feel my pulse begin to quicken. I can feel the beating pound against my chest with each step closer I take. But I don't stop walking. I continue towards the place that holds the man I will always love. That will always love me.
My feet come to a stop at the end of his driveway. The position of my car hasn't changed since I left. Hell, the only car that has moved is Nick's. Every piece of me wants to run up to the door and knock with every fiber of my being but I can't do that. I can't get the warm body I crave.
Dr. Elmore says that this is an unhealthy habit that I should stop. She thinks that I should stop visiting the man who broke me. She knows that I can do it alone. I know that I can do it alone. But I would rather have him by my side. It's why I come. Because even if he's not directly by my side. He's close enough.
If it were later in the night I'd venture onto his land. Wander up to my car and run my fingers along the burning hot metal surface. Grab a little bit of the past with light touches.
As I stand at the end of his driveway, staring at the house I used to live in, my mind wanders. I wonder what he's doing inside. I wonder if he's struggling. I wonder if he's okay. I wonder if he still cries because he hurt the one person who would never give up on him. I wonder if he's still uploading. I wonder how Nick is. I wonder how George is. I wonder if George coming to live here is getting any closer. I wonder if Clay's laying in bed with someone else. I wonder if Patches misses me and stands by the door some days waiting to see if I'll return.
The list of wonders goes on forever. I lose track of time when I come. I don't realize how long I've been standing until it's too late. It's always too late. I always attract the attention of someone. Any one of his neighbors always comes over to question. But they know me. They've seen me. Once they're face to face with me they quickly depart and my adventure comes to an end.
I go. I stay. And then I return home. I never have the courage to walk up and see if everyone is okay. I've had a few close calls. His mom has been there a time or two. Nick's been out of the house another. There has been more times than one where I could have been caught. But luck was on my side I guess.
When I return back home my house is still empty. I still feel empty. But I have a bit of peace settled in my heart that everything is well. Everything is okay. He is safe inside the walls of his house. I'm safe inside the walls of my house. We are... okay. And even if we don't feel okay, we are okay. Because we are alive and living and we are free.
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iMessage
Boss: Hey can you come in and close tonight? Can't find anyone to cover the closing shift.
Me: I'm at 40 hours already.
Boss: That's fine. I don't care if the company has to pay you overtime. I need you here.
Me: I just got off the bus from Orlando. Give me 30.
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The best escape from my head has swooped in and saved me from crying myself to sleep. I quickly shower and throw on my work uniform before heading off to work. Despite desperately needing time away from work. It was the only distraction that I had from my thoughts. I needed to escape my thoughts.
"You'll just be cashiering all night." My boss says the moment I step in the doors of my job.
I nod my head as I clock in and begin my shift. I have four hours of a slow night. I pick up around the store and ring out customers here and there. But for the most part I'm distracted by thoughts of what I will be doing the next shift. I sit at my register and write out a plan for myself. The list mostly includes evading customers as much as possible.
"Look who it is." A voice calls out from the other side of my register causing me to look up from the layout of papers in front of me. "The professional star gazer."
"Hey," I pull all my papers into a pile giving the blue eyed boy room to place his items onto the counter. "Stanger. Stalking me now?" I smirk as I begin to scan his items, placing them gently into the bag to my left.
"I would never think of doing such a thing. I'm not a creeper." He smiles as he hands me a twenty dollar bill to pay for his things. "I had no idea you even worked here."
"I was supposed to have the day off but," I shrug my shoulders, "is what it is." I hand him his change as my coworker makes our closing announcement. "Got back from Orlando and came here."
"Orlando huh? What had you visiting there?" He questions, digging for information. "I mean you don't have to answer if it's intrusive. I just realized how blunt I'm being and I apologize."
I laugh a little before responding. "It's where I'm from." I take a deep breath before continuing on. "Just went to see my parents and friends for the day." I fake a lie. But I mean, it's not a complete lie. It is actually the truth. I just didn't actually... see them.
"Well, it was really nice to see you again. We still on for Friday?" I watch as his blue eyes study my face. His eyes shift around the way Clay's always have. He's taking mental pictures every second he stares. His mapping out my features, even hidden behind a mask.
"Actually, if you want to wait like fifteen minutes we can talk more. Unless you have someone to go appease." I raise my brows as I punch things into my register. Focusing on both him and my job at the same time.
"That would be lovely actually." His eyes shift towards the door. "I'll wait out there for you."
He leaves the store as I pull my drawer and finish up all the nightly routines. It doesn't take long. All of us have the closing routine down to a science. Everything is done and put away for the night in the matter of five minutes. God bless an easy night. I don't think I could have lasted a night of hell. It would have been a bigger distraction, but my body can't handle more stress than it already holds.
I lock up the store and am met with welcoming blue eyes as I spin my key in the lock of the store door. "So how about you start this off with why your nametag is blank." His fingers tap against the nametag rested against my chest.
"I'm a spooky ghost." I wiggle my fingers in the air as we begin meandering through the parking lot towards where we met the night before.
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A/N: girl out here calling another man a stalker when she's out just going to orlando to lerk. bad girl. oh well, she hasn't been caught. i hope you like a little interactions she's having with people as she tries to grow and flourish into her own person. something a lot of us struggle with.
anyways, i'm falling asleep so if you enjoyed make sure you leave a vote and a comment. <3
much love, Ashley