"How are things going?" Micah while we were waiting on our order. I snapped my head at him, crooking my brow up.
"Good? I guess? Why?"
"I meant with Nick," he clarified, still not looking at me.
"Things are actually pretty good with Nick. Why? Is there something wrong? Did we say something? Is that why you're not looking at me? What's wrong? Is he-"
"Jeez! Nothing is wrong!" Micah finally met my gaze. "I just didn't know you liked each other like that. I was just wondering how everything is going."
"You don't seem really happy about it." He clenched his jaw for a brief second before looking at me again.
"I was surprised, that's all."
I pat him on the back. "Don't worry, you'll find someone too. I mean look at you, you're cute and have had girls interested before. You won't be our third... wait." I started counting by my fingers and smiled. "Our seventh wheel for long."
"No, no. I'm not worried about that.
"Then what? Have we done something to make you uncomfortable? I thought we were all still acting the same when we're together."
"You are. It's not... Forget it, I really just wanted to know you were fine, we're friends after all."
A wide grin spread on my mouth, and I hugged him tightly. "Friends for life."
We finally got our order and joined the others at our usual table. Noah and Sarah were all lovey-dovey and I hated to admit it, but sometimes I was jealous of that. Nick wasn't one to show affection when we were with our friends and to be honest, I didn't feel comfortable acting like that either. I guess it just wasn't us. We were more the type to look at glance at each other and bicker.
Tyler and Ava's relationship didn't seem to change either, they were still flirty, or should I say Tyler was flirty while Ava always shut him down. So, I wondered what was going through Micah's head as he played with his fries, unaware of the world around him.
Nick's phone rang and the frown and disgusted look on his face told me it was his mother. Surprisingly he got up and left to take the call. Ava sent me a questioning look and I mouthed her the word "mom". She winced at that and turned to the glass doors Nick had just walked through.
Not a minute after he was back at his seat. I wanted to ask him what happened, but I didn't want to push him to talk about it in front of everyone. I hadn't told my friends about Anthony. They already knew about the coach and why his son abducted me, but I hadn't mustered the courage to tell them about Anthony's jump, about how awful I was as a friend to not see what was happening before it was too late.
No! It's not your fault. You can't control everything.
Still, I could've noticed the little changes in him. Fuck, I actually did notice something but thought it was nothing serious, maybe a bad grade. That itself had been a sign something was wrong, though. He was the best in our class and suddenly his grades started dropping. I should have seen it.
You were twelve. You didn't know better; it never crossed the grownups' mind why should it have crossed yours? I repeated the therapist's words in my head. Did you know what depression and suicide were at that time? Did you have any grasp of the concepts? No, you didn't, so how can you notice and prevent something you don't even know exists?
And I knew she was right, but I still held that guilt. It accompanied me everywhere. I couldn't tell my friends about it so why should I force Nick to share his own issues with them?
Later that day Nick told me his mother wanted to meet him. She had read the letters he wrote and wanted to talk about it. He... accepted, taking my advice from before.
"It's fucked up! I'm fucked up," he said as we talked in his car. "I mean why would I even give her the time to explain herself?! Part of me just wants her as far away as possible but the other part wants to forgive her, to believe whatever excuse she made up, to have her back in my life. Am I crazy? Am I a masochist?" He rubbed his face down in frustration.
"No, you're not. It is only natural for you to want that. She's your mother and she was very shitty to you, but you still have good memories with her. I think it's not about being a masochist, but about wanting that good part back, wanting those moments back."
Especially after Anne died, I refrained to add. She had been the only adult who had shown him motherly affection. His father was cold, always buried in work while Anne had been there for him, trying to replace her own daughter. Now she was gone and there was no one to fill that space.
I stroke his hair, trying to calm him down and I noticed how shinny his eyes were, so I held him. And we stayed in that uncomfortable position until my phone rang, and I was forced to go home.
Nick's meeting with his mother went well. He still hadn't forgiven her of course but he decided to give her a second chance, a very slow second chance. They started meeting more often as time passed but their interactions were still awkward.
He told his father about their recent reunion and Claire tried to talk to Mark but he wouldn't have it. It was one thing for his son to give her an opportunity to redeem herself, it was another for him to do the same.
That day he simply told Nick to never bring her to his house or talk to him about her and left for his study. Nick didn't blame his father, of course, but he was still mad at his dismissive tone. At the lack of time and attention he spared him.
"So, I've been thinking," Claire said to Nick as the three of us strolled in the park. "I have a spare room in my apartment that I hoped to become your bedroom. If you'd like it, that is."
She didn't look at Nick as she made the offer, probably not daring to read the potential rejection on his face. My eyes widened but Nick remained stoic, the only sign he was taken aback being his sudden stop.
I glanced at him not knowing what to say or do. It was Claire that tried to break the awkward silence. "Just think about it," she looked back at us with a smile. "It doesn't need to be a permanent move, you can just stay over whenever you want."
They never mentioned it again, although I knew Nick was considering the offer. After a couple of weeks, he made his decision and decided to give it a try. He informed his father a few days ago and was now in his bedroom packing a bag for the weekend.
I went down to the kitchen to have some water. I had a new prescription for my night terrors that made me constantly thirsty. A muffled sound from the corridor got my attention and I had the urge to approach it. Slowly the sound led me to the study.
The door was slightly opened, and I peeked inside. Mark was slouching on the leather couch, his grey tie unmade, his shirt unbuttoned. He rubbed his face before leaning on his knees.
I recognize his broken expression from the times I've seen it sported by Nick. And just like with Nick I felt the need to help so I knocked before passing the threshold.
"Are you okay Mark?" I asked even though I already knew the answer.
He let out a weary sigh before nodding. "I'm fine. Just tired, it's been a long week."
He forced a smile as he got up to go to his desk, probably hoping to drown himself in work.
"You want to talk about it?"
"I don't think that would be appropriate but thank you anyway."
"It's about Nick, isn't it? You know, he's just trying to heal, trying to figure out where he stands with her."
A sad smile formed on his face as he looked back at me. "It's okay. I knew the day would come. I've been a horrible father since she left, never home, never present for him. Always putting my job first. That's my biggest regret, but there's nothing I can do to change the past. He hates me for it, and I have to accept it. Now he's going to leave me too."
My heart sank but I forced a smile. "It's just for a weekend."
"It will start like that, but he will eventually leave for good. Why wouldn't he choose to be with his mother? He had wanted that from the day she left us, even if he didn't realize it. Now she's here, giving him all the attention and love he craved for so long... I will be left alone, and I deserve it."
His eyes went wide as the door opened fully behind me, revealing Nick, his bag on the floor next to his feet.
"You may not always be here. You may hide in your job, that's your way to deal with it, but at least you never completely abandoned me, and were here when I needed it." Nick spoke, his voice soft unlike the other times he spoke to his father. "I'll never choose her over you. You are my family, she's only my mother."
They stood there, staring at each other when the situation clearly demanded a warm hug, but they weren't like that. Mark nodded and Nick nodded back before picking up his bag.
"See you Sunday," he said at last before he left.
One or two chapters left to finish the story (depending on how much I let myself go with the words 😅).
Thank you for reading this!