Monday came by and I still wasn't ready to face Nick. I felt silly and remorseful. I shouldn't have said the things I did no matter how hurt I was, after all, he's free to date and kiss whoever he wants. He has the right to have secrets, but he sure doesn't have the right to judge me or act as if he had to protect me. He had lost that right when he kissed her... Each thought on the situation contradicted the other. I didn't know what to think or feel anymore.
The bell rang signaling the lunch break and thus sealing my fate. I would have to face him. I was the last one to get to the table and sat quietly at my usual place next to Nick. I wasn't feeling hungry, so I had just a sandwich and an apple in front of me. The air around us was tense and I knew everyone could feel it as the table was silent.
"How about we go to the karaoke place after school?" Tyler suggested in hopes of lightening the mood.
"Wait, you guys do that?" Ava asked and I realized a long time had passed since we last went there. It was our thing. We always had fun there, but I guess we forgot about it.
"I don't like your tone, Ava. I'll have you know that we indeed do that, and we are quite good at it and it is fun."
Ava raised her arms in surrender, "Okay, sorry, my bad. I would love to see that. Should we meet in the parking lot and go together from there?"
"That's how we roll baby." Tyler winked at her but then his face scrunched in disgust.
"Roll where?" Rebeca's irritating voice joined us. It was expected. If she and Nick started dating or whatever they were doing, I should have expected to see and hear more of her. I don't think I was ready for it.
"You're not invited," Ava spat, her voice full of venom. And that was my cue to leave. I couldn't handle that, handle her then. I took my half-eaten sandwich and apple and left the table. I could feel the boys starring at my back, wondering what was wrong with me. I didn't care. I would make up a poor excuse later. I forgot to do homework for my physics class or something. That could work, plus I knew Ava had my back, so I walked away, to the only place I knew no one would find me.
The cold air was as refreshing as the first time I went there. I closed the door behind me and sat on the ground, thankful that it didn't rain in the last week. I unfolded my sandwich, took a bite, and felt water in my eyes. Stupid. I'm so stupid, why am I crying?
With every bite more tears built up until I couldn't contain them anymore. What a sight to see: snot-crying a river while eating a sandwich. Beautiful. But I didn't try to stop it, I let it all out until I finished eating.
A hiccup left my throat and took the apple. I took a bit and stopped as I heard the sound of the door behind me opening. I thought the janitor never came up here. Shit. I wiped away the tears feeling alert, thinking in some excuse, some justification of my presence there.
I turned around to apologize for being there but stopped, my lips parted as I saw him. He rubbed his jaw and took a small step forward. He looked worn out, desperate, and lost. He opened his mouth as if to say something but only let out a breath that the cold outside revealed.
He looked at me, searching my face and I felt grateful that the tears had stopped. I didn't know if my eyes would betray me, but I hoped they didn't. If they did, I could always blame it on my past trauma. Jeez, how low have I come?
He took another step closer, and another, until he was a few inches from me. "Jules. Julie," he said in a husky, broken voice. The way he decided to call me by my name and not my nickname hurt more than that time I broke my leg riding a skateboard.
"I'm sorry, I... I don't know what to say or how to say it. I was just so angry that night, not at you, at that Justin guy. At me, really. But you have to believe me when I say I went there for you. Rebeca told me that-"
"Huh, Rebeca? Really?" I was starting to fume, and it took me a lot to try to keep calm. "I don't want to hear about her and you and-" He stopped me, holding my shoulders.
"I'm just trying to explain what happened and what you think... That day you saw us, she asked me how I was doing and if I had news about my mother. You have to understand that we were really close in the past, she knows about everything, she was there when I would break down, she supported me. We share a lot of history and it was just so easy to talk to her about it, not having to explain anything because she already knew it. It was so easy to lose myself and forget about everything she did."
"So, you kissed her."
"I didn't kiss her! She kissed me!"
"But you didn't push her away. You closed your eyes and you-"
"I didn't close my eyes! I was surprised and as soon as I realized what was happening, I pushed her away! I swear. You have to believe me..." I thought about that moment again. Hadn't he closed his eyes? I could swear I saw it, but looking back, I turned away so quickly that I could have misread the situation. Maybe he was telling the truth?
"When I pushed away, she got mad," he continued. "She told me how Justin had said he always thought you were cute when you were dating Manson and said it would be fun if he could get you to do what Manson couldn't. You were a challenge for him. Rebeca told me he would invite you to the party to do it. So, when he invited you at lunch I imagined everything he would try to do to you and how he would trick you, and I couldn't let you go there."
"But you didn't have to go with Rebeca."
"It was the only way I had to keep an eye on him. Julie, you have been there for me since the moment we met, without even realizing it, I would never do anything to hurt you. I-, I. You are one of the four people I trust the most in the world. I'm sorry if sometimes it doesn't look like it, I'm just not good talking about... things. You are my friend, and you're really good at it so please forgive me! I don't want to lose you too."
I looked at him, at his earnest face and I knew I could trust him. "I'm sorry too. I didn't mean what I said before. I know how you are; I understand. You'll never lose me. Unless you do something very stupid, then I would kick your ass, but promise me you will talk to me when you need, promise me you will not keep everything in here," I said, placing my hand over his heart.
"I promise." He nodded and pulled me into a hug. I held him tightly, letting his warmth engulf me until I heard someone clapping.
"Finally!" Ava called from behind him. "I swear you're both going to be the end of me. I hope you've learned your lesson: next time, use your words." We both laughed and I let go of him, although he still had his arm around me.