"[...] You're trying not to tell him you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you don't even have a name for."
- Richard Siken
It had been three days since Kate and Fyodor left America and returned to Russia. Kate spent this time mostly in her room. Kate needed this time to herself, she had just been on display for the entire Western civilization once again after not making any public appearances in over a year. Fyodor was more than happy to give her the space she really needed. He knew how much it meant to her to be able to be alone.
Because Kate had been undercover in the guild for the American Government, she was constantly separated from her family and therefore wasn't focused on by news outlets. Fitzgerald also kept her out of the spotlight because he knew how bothersome the press might be in his plans of finding the book. Kate was given some momentary peace during that time, and she cherished it. However, now she was back into the spotlight where she would most likely remain for the next month or so. Her public outings such as this basically served to remind the media that Kate Chopin was alive and needed to be followed for a month until they remembered just how boring it actually was reporting on her.
Kate left her room only for meals during these three days. Ivan offered to bring them to her room but she refused, stating that it was a lady's duty to attend her host's meals. Kate had politely asked Fyodor for book recommendations, to which he quickly provided his favourite book, The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis. She was intrigued to read it knowing that since Fyodor recommended it, it would most likely give her immense insight into how his mind worked. Truthfully, it did; Kate might not have realised what help it truly was to read this book. Perhaps even if she did realise, she didn't know what to do with this information.
Man is flawed. But the question is are they more flawed than they realise or less? Fyodor was a pessimist so therefore he believed humanity was more flawed. Kate, unsure of her stance on pessimism and optimism, believed humanity to be worse. In fact, Nikolai, Ivan, Kate, and Fyodor all believed the same; that humanity was far worse than they truly realised. They always believed themselves to be higher and mightier than they actually are; as though their actions truly affected the world around them. What a laughable belief. If that were true, why have individual evils not caused more damage and harm? Why have individual goods and righteousness not caused more light? It's the actions of the individual that mean nothing, they are nothing more than opportunities to make oneself feel better. The actions of groups, people with shared values and beliefs, are the ones that actually affect the world around them.
For Kate's entire life, she had never been a part of a group with shared values and beliefs. She had never felt herself to be of importance enough to even come up with beliefs. What's the point, she thought.
Kate spent her break without thinking of any missions, which she regretted the second that she returned to reality. She would have to check in with both Fitzgerald and Whitman. She had been playing hooky for far too long, now it was time to actually return to her responsibilities. First, she decided to check in with Walt Whitman. She would go on a walk to do this, she couldn't risk Fyodor or Ivan overhearing her. Since she couldn't return to America just yet either, the walk was her only option.
She knocked before even attempting to enter Fyodor's study. She valued his privacy because it was polite and she expected the same treatment towards her should the occasion call for it. He called for her to enter and only then did she.
"Kate, how have you been?" He stood quickly upon realising it was her.
He had been worried about her. For days she hadn't spoken to either him or Ivan, she had lost her manners momentarily. That was what had worried him the most, her loss of manners. Kate Chopin was a woman who always prioritised her appearance and manners over her own well-being. For those manners to be gone meant she truly must have been hurting.
"I've been doing much better, thank you for asking. I've come to inform you I will be taking a walk. I also wanted to ask if there was anything you might need from the grocery store?" She folded her hands together and looked up at him. Her manners had returned which meant she was out of her funk enough.
"Oh, uhm, I don't think I need anything from the store. Do you want me to accompany you on your walk?" He asked quickly, almost praying she said yes. He missed her and he missed how much her virtues infuriated him.
"It's quite alright, I wouldn't want to disturb such a busy man as yourself." She declined with a polite smile on her face.
"It wouldn't be a bother--"
"It's okay, really." She smiled as she cut him off. He closed his mouth and nodded stiffly.
He mentally cursed himself, of course, she would still want some space. Although, he didn't like that he was the one to bring her salvation and yet here she was avoiding him. The space made sense but it still hurt. After all he had done for her, she was seemingly giving up on him. He couldn't let that happen, not after all he had done to get her to be with him. Should he hold her closer to him or allow her this space? What should he do? An idea popped into his head.
"Kate, I... I love you." He called after her. She froze. He... Loved her?
This manipulative idea came from an area of truth. He loved her, yes, of course, whether or not he was ready to admit it was another story. He was pretty sure he didn't love her the way that she thought he did. If he did, he was under the influence that it wasn't as much as she had hoped for.
He had used a dirty tactic to keep her drunk on him but he felt he needed to do it. He knew abusers did it all the time but he was different from them. He had her best interests at heart so it wasn't toxic, it was something positive, yes. Besides, how could it be harmful if he wasn't deceiving her? Not to mention he had never touched her, therefore he couldn't be an abuser. No, he liberated her from her abusers so he could never become one himself.
Kate had never heard those words before in her life. She had seen it in entertainment and read about it in literature but she had never experienced it herself. Someone could love her? Someone could truly care for her? It had previously seemed too good to be true, and now here she was with her saviour who told her he loved her. Although she had no good idea of what it meant, she knew his words to be true. She knew that because she loved him too.
"I... I hope I can be worthy of those words." Was all she managed to get out before excusing herself.
Fyodor was in shock. What made her believe she was unworthy of hearing 'i love you'? She didn't say it back which obviously stung but what hurt him most was that she didn't think she was worthy of love. Who in their right mind wouldn't love this woman? She was stronger than she believed herself to be, she was immensely smart and clever, her words always were careful and never simple. He admired her so much more than he could ever be able to tell her. She was so doubtful of herself for no comprehendible reason. Fyodor disliked this aspect of her personality very much.
Kate left the house, her mind swirling more than usual. She would have to put that behind her though, she had a very important call to make. Since she didn't know if she was being followed, she would have to use code words for everything.
"Hello, uncle." She spoke into the phone as Whitman picked up. Her English was a bit slow after not using it for so long.
"Katherine, I assume your location is not familiar to me?" He inquired, knowing right away to use code.
"No, I left America already. I'm terribly sorry I didn't visit." She answered.
"You'll have to tell me over the phone then, how was the book I lent you? Did you find it fascinating?" He asked.
"I'm sorry to say not all that much. It wasn't as interesting as you made it out to be. However, perhaps it could become better over time. I'll have to let you know about the next book you send me." She sat down on a park bench as she spoke.
"Tell me about the progress of the main character though, did he get closer to his goal?" Whitman asked another question.
"I... I couldn't tell, I don't think I ever got to that part of the book. If you want I can go back and read closer." She offered.
"Yes, do that. Let me know how that goes. I've got to return to the office so I'm going to let you go now. Goodbye, my doll." He quickly hung up. Kate placed her phone in her lap and sighed, covering her face with her hand.
She didn't want to deceive Fyodor, he was different from all of her other missions. He actually felt nothing like a mission at all. She liked how they simply lived together and he never expected anything of her. Everyone else always expected her to do things for them or to act a certain way; Fyodor didn't. The reason Fyodor didn't was that he knew better than anyone that man was flawed. He knew that expectations lead to disappointment, so he tried to stay away from them.
Kate suddenly remembered what had happened before she left. Fyodor had told her he loved her and she brushed him off. What if she invalidated his feelings? Did she do that to him? The thought of possibly hurting him made her body ache. She never wanted to hurt him, even if it was an accident. She had to return and tell him that she loved him too. But... She had one more phone call to make before then.
"Mister Fitzgerald, I've been wondering when you should want me to return to you." She spoke straight to the point, not wanting to waste time before she could return to Fyodor and tell him she loved him too.
"Kate, didn't you hear? You're supposed to be staying with him until next year. How odd, I would've thought he had told you or even arranged it with you." He answered, revealing the truth that Fyodor wished to keep hidden from her.
"I'm afraid I don't understand." She shook her head as she furrowed her brows. What exactly did Fitzgerald mean by his words?
"It was actually in the contract you had written up with him that outlined the terms of our alliance. It stated you are to stay with Fyodor for the next year. I'm not sure if that means you'll be working for him but that's what it said. You're his for the time being." Fitzgerald's words made her blood run cold.
Fyodor was wrong, she always would be someone's doll. She thought he liberated her but in reality, he had only done that so he could have her to himself. She knew all of his words were lies. He had set her up and she fell into his traps blindly. She had been betrayed by one of the world's most wanted ability user terrorists and she had been blind to it the whole time. She understood why Orwell had warned her to be extra cautious-- Fyodor could trap you without you ever knowing. Kate finally knew what it meant to see red.