"I spoke about you to the stars."
⋆ • ⊱◦ ☾✩☽ ◦⊰ • ⋆
I fumbled with the lock to my and Jaehyun's apartment, my fingers trembling slightly. I really didn't know if it was because of the chilly weather or just anxiety of the events that had taken place in this apartment.
This place held a lot of memories, good and bad both. But they weren't worth losing or forgetting. It was the pain they held now that made me push them away.
That was why I was planning to move out, sell this apartment later maybe. I couldn't afford coming here without all those memories of Jaehyun and our time spent together playing in my mind like an endless reel.
Twisting the knob, I pushed open the wooden door— which was slightly jammed due to the humidity in the air— my hand darting to the wall to turn on the light switch.
"It's so messy," Sunghoon smiled at his friend's habit of not organising anything, taking the support of the wall as he removed his loafers.
"Just like I had left this place to be," I sighed, turning around to face Sunghoon, "I'll bring two suitcases, I can start emptying my stuff. Can you start with Jaehyun's clothes in the meantime?" I asked as Sunghoon quickly nodded, following me into the bedroom.
"There shouldn't be too much to pack for Jaehyun since we only need a little stuff," Sunghoon mumbled, helping me remove the luggage from the compartments. I nodded, looking at the messy bedsheets, Jae's clothes sprawled everywhere.
"This is going to take some time," I huffed, opening my cupboard, looking through my daily wear. Sunghoon's light chuckle behind me affirmed my statement.
⤜ ⬪ ⋄ ⬪ ⤛
"Areum.." Sunghoon called out, as I craned my neck behind to see him holding a diary. Jaehyun's diary. Sunghoon looked at me, his lips agape as he silently pointed at the diary.
Confused as to what he was saying, I got up and walked towards him, hopping over the piles of clothes in the way. I sat beside him on the floor, peering at the diary.
"He never let me touch that one," I mumbled, my hand darting out the dust the maroon cover of the book.
Sunghoon looked at it for a split second before flipping open the book. Diary entries, accounting each and every event of Jaehyun's life, came into view once after the other.
Each of them started with 'Dear Diary' and ended with a goodnight quote.
Once Sunghoon reached the middle of the book, a handful of pictures fell down on his lap. I reached out for them, looking through them.
"Aren't these from an inter-school event we had in Daegu?" I asked, looking at our 18 year old selves in the picture, all of them holding a certificate of participation. Sunghoon nodded, a small smile on his face as he peered forward to look properly.
"Is this you?" I giggled, pointing at a petite boy standing between two anonymous girls. He nodded with a small laugh, "I didn't know he had these photos till now," I said, looking through other pictures of Jaehyun and his high school memories.
▹
"Me neither. We didn't know a lot of things about him.." Sunghoon said, his smile slowly fading away, a sigh erupting through his lips. He went back to the diary, flipping through the pages in hope to find something else.
"Areum," He spoke up after a while, "This one is addressed to you," He said, passing the book to me.
"Is it really?" I kept aside the pictures, taking the fragile book in my hand, feeling the binding on my fingertips.
With an exhale of breath, we both started reading the letter addressed to me, the pouring rain outside the apartment providing a base for the silent atmosphere.
Dear my lovely Areum,
I hope this reaches you at the right time.
How are you? I hope you're healthy and happy. I'm sorry. Those would be the first words I'd like to offer to you. I don't think I even deserve to be apologised for breaking something so precious that we had.
But I'm assured that you'll be in better hands now.
I sigh in relief knowing that Park Sunghoon is there by your side now. Even though I know it's not me who is with you, I feel content knowing that you are not alone.
I'm sorry for breaking it to you this way. I'm a coward and I'll probably accept it. I couldn't afford saying this to you in person.
I'm sorry that I'm weak, Areum. I'm sorry that out of everyone who could have wronged us, it had to me.
Everything was well-planned, Areum. We had a bright future awaiting for us. A future we had together, you, me and probably our children. I'm sorry that we lost it. I'm sorry that we lost it all because of me.
I knew something was wrong with me. I kept forgetting things, like your birthday, our anniversary. I thought it was probably stress, but to my utter dismay, it wasn't.
I have cerebral haemorrhage. I think I'm dying. I feel myself losing a part of mine everyday. No matter how much strength I gather up, I'm still losing to a stupid disease daily.
It hurts so much.
It hurts so much just by thinking that I'll probably see your face for the last time today. That probably I'm ruining us, something we have, and we are going to have. Our future, your life and mine too. That maybe, I'll be the one destroying it someday because of my default.
That maybe, I would be nothing but mere forgotten memory someday.
That's why I let you go, my angel. I gave you a better future. A future without me. A future with happiness. I hope you will be happier now. You will never be unloved by me. You are just too precious to be tangled in my soul.
I'm not sure if I ever loved anyone as much as I loved you, and I don't regret a single moment that I spent with you, but life is meant to take away the people you cherish the most from you. so I'll try, try to unlove you someday soon.
Sunghoon is a very nice guy, I've known him all my childhood. He will probably treat you better than I ever could. And if he doesn't then my ghost will probably haunt him, hahaha!
Be happy. Please don't cry. And keep me in your memories, Byun Areum.
I always have, and I still love you.
Always yours,
Jaejae (:
I turned around to greet a sight of a blurry Sunghoon leaning his head against the bed, his palms covering his face. Looked like he finished reading the letter sooner than I did.
"Why does he have to make this so hard for me?" I sniffled, looking at Sunghoon for some kind of response. Receiving nothing but silence as a reply, I gritted my teeth in frustration and took my cue to tear the paper.
Sunghoon's ears perked up at the noise, as he removed his hands away from his face. He watched wide-eyed as I ripped the paper into shreds.
"No no no," Sunghoon whispered, stopping me from damaging the writing further as he took the paper away from my hands, keeping the torn pieces beside him.
"Shh," He calmed me down, wiping his own eyes before he bent forward to embrace me, "Calm down, dear." He patted my back, his bottom lip beside his teeth set, his both hands soothing my back and he gently cradled me through my frustrations.
"Tell me this all is a bad dream," I gritted out, "That it'll all end once I wake up tomorrow.." I tightened my hold on Sunghoon's shirt. It was all too much for me. Too much for me to take.
"I can't take it anymore, Sunghoon.."
"I know," He whispered back, his voice lost somewhere between his overwhelmed emotions, "It'll be okay, trust me."
Perhaps the letter was the reason Jaehyun wanted me to go to apartment afterall.