vote & comment, and most of all, enjoy 💖💖
A FEW DISCLAIMERS:
‼️the pov's jump in this chapter a lot so pay attention. i will use this emoji: 👁👁 whenever the POV changes so that it's easier to point it out.
‼️ i'm sure my therapy scenes aren't exactly accurate, but i am researching as i go! please, message me if you've been to therapy in reality and think there are important aspects of therapy that you feel i should add into the story moving forward!
‼️i am so nervous to upload this chapter 🧍🏾♀️
OKAY, that's it and that is all. this is a long chapter so enjoy!! sorry for mistakes and happy labor day 💓
Ant POV 👁👁
For the first week I been down here in Virginia, I've been pushing and rescheduling therapy. Even though it sounds stupid, the main reason I've been pushing it is because I don't feel like talking to anybody right now. I can't bring myself to care to talk to someone. I've been having episodes where I get mad but don't know what for, where I get paranoid and don't know what for, and because of that I've been unresponsive to everybody and everything. I haven't even been talking to my son much. It's not like he wants to talk to me and can't get a response, but I know I haven't been communicating with him how I'm supposed to communicate with him. I drop him off at school and then pick him up, and that's it. That's not why I brought him here.
It seems like my depression always hitting me at the worse times. It's never a good time to be depressed, but shit, I'm tryna be a father and I can't even get the shit done that I said I was gonna get done and it's only been a week. Pushing therapy is only pushing my sons therapy too. And that's why tomorrow is the day I'm not gonna make any more excuses. The whole point of going to therapy is to take care of my and my sons mental health, so how it look making depression the reason I don't take care of it? And then dragging my kid along with me at that.
"And then they finally sent the email saying that I can go back to work on Monday! So all of that back and forth was for no reason. I told them, I can't not work for the rest of my life because of an arm... I mean, if this is how I'm supposed to live now, what am I going to do? Sit around all day?" Cameron rants over facetime. It's midnight right now. I usually don't call him this late because I need to keep him and the shit I'm into separate, and I don't want no one calling me late and then he starts asking questions about why I'm hanging up the phone. But, I already haven't been responding to him that much this week, and I've missed a few calls. So, I'm putting my paranoia to the side and having a conversation with him. I look at him through the screen, realizing that I'd probably been staring into the distance, distracted by my own thoughts while he was talking.
"Yeah." I respond to him. I keep it short because I don't know exactly what he was talking about since I wasn't fully listening. He stares at me so I stare back at him and then he tilts his head.
I look away from the phone again. "What?"
"You weren't listening were you?" He lowers his eyes.
"You said you gonna sit around all day." That's the only thing I caught.
"Uh-huh, and what's the context of me mentioning sitting around all day?" He asks. I don't even know what he just said to me so I stay quiet and then smile when he gets to shaking his head.
"That's what I thought." Cameron rolls his eyes.
"Who you rolling your eyes at?"
"You."
"Imma remember that. You think I'm not coming back to Brooklyn?" I joke. Even if I'm not feeling good, Cam doesn't have to know that. That's why I try to keep him smiling and I hate when I slip up and show him that my mind is somewhere else. So I try to flip the conversation and talk about something else, usually by making a joke because he gets distracted by them. Plus whenever I talk to him, I'm usually in a better mood anyway.
"That sounds like a threat."
"It is. Take it how you want it." I mumble. Cam starts to blush. Always blushing about something. He can't keep up with me, he always getting shy and getting his words caught in his throat. He's not making eye contact with me anymore so I'm gonna take advantage of that and bother him even more. "How you want it baby?" I ask. I watch the him, waiting for him to say something back but the only thing he's doing is moving the camera angle higher and higher until I could only see his forehead. I laugh. "Why you hiding?"
"I'm not...hiding."
"Why you ain't answer my question?" A text comes through my phone from Rue that distracts me for a second. I hate when this bitch texts me and I usually ignore it until later but this time I'm glad I seen it when I did.
rue: Don't come in tonight or tomorrow at all. Cleaning up a teensy mess I made. Back to work Sunday. You've got a big task ahead of you. Will elaborate on Sunday. Enjoy your days off. 👍🏻
The first part of the message sound fine to me, I much rather stay here and talk to Cam. But the second part is some bullshit. Everytime she say something about having a big task, it's either something that's a lot of work or it's something that I'm damn near putting my life on the line. I'm gonna try not to think about it until Sunday though. I don't need something else to add onto the stress I'm already dealing with. My "days off" gon be about talking to my husband and taking care of my son.
"Uh, what question?" Cameron lowers the camera a little bit, now revealing his eyes and his forehead.
I put my attention back on him, remembering the conversation we was having. Now that I got nowhere to go I'm really bout to press him. "I asked you how you want it." I repeat.
He clears his throat, "Want what....?" He know exactly what I'm talking about.
"When I come back to Brooklyn, right..."
He nods.
"...how you want it?" I ask again. He might know the answer to my question, but just don't know how to say it.
"Um..." He laughs nervously, "how do I want the...the threat?"
I smile at him. I don't even think I'm talking bout a threat no more. "Kind of."
The camera lowers more showing his whole face, bright red. "Um...you know what you're doing Ant."
"Still ain't answer the question." I remind him. There's a silence and then Cam suddenly disappears out his camera. While I wait patiently for him to pop back up, I set my phone up on the dresser and sit up on the bed so I can roll a blunt. I make sure I don't disappear from the screen so that he knows I'm still here, waiting for his answer. He pops back up after a minute.
"Okay...you really wanna know?" He blushes.
Even though I'm pressing him as a joke because I know he chokes up at questions like this, if he got an actual answer then I'm listening. "Tell me."
He pauses for another minute. "I'm trying to figure out how to actually...say it." I don't say anything in response. Whenever he's ready to tell me, he will. I cant give him advice because I make shit known just how it is, I don't beat around the bush. I wouldn't know what it's like to be shy about that.
"You do it sometimes...but I want you to do it the entire time. I want you to like...Sorry, this is so embarrassing. I'm way too old to be embarrassed." He sighs in frustration. It's not a age thing, Cameron is just like that. I can't think of one time he straight up told me what he wanted, he only hints at it with body language or responding to whatever I say first. I wait patiently for him to continue.
"Okay. So um...I know you always say you don't want to hurt me. But uh...can you like, not hold back because you think you'll hurt me? I don't know. I like it when you get aggressive but then you always stop yourself... and I don't want you to stop. Because I know that's how you actually are but you hold back because of me, and I really don't want you to...does that make sense? Nevermind, I sound dumb, forget it." He says quickly.
I lick my lips, "No, I get it." I reassure. I definitely get it. I know he like when I be rough. Choking, biting, all that shit. But he's right, I do be afraid to hurt him so I keep it to a minimum.
"You do?"
"Yeah. You want me to fuck you how I woulda fucked you If I ain't care about hurting you." I mumble, licking the edge of the blunt.
"Yeah." He nods quickly.
"You want me to do whatever I want to you. Make you do what I say." I add. I swear I see his eyes light up. He turns even more red.
"Yes."
"And what if I hurt you?" I ask out of curiosity.
"You won't. I know what I'm asking for..." he blushes harder. That makes me smile at him.
"Okay." I don't think he knows exactly what he got himself into but aight. If that's what he wants then that's what he gets. "So when I ask you to do something, you doing it." I say. He nods again.
"Set that phone up." I light the blunt and then grab my phone from the dresser. I inhale the smoke as I lean my back on the headboard of the bed as I watch Cameron move his camera around until it's finally standing on its own and facing him. From what I can tell, the phone is set up at the foot of his bed. He appears in the camera again.
"Your door closed?"
Cam nods.
"Lock it." I say.
All in his face I can see the suspicion start to sink in but he still goes ahead and locks the door. He comes back in the camera, sitting up on his bed and waiting for me to say something else. I spend a minute watching him, making him get more nervous with each passing minute by my stare. He clears his throat and I take another pull from the blunt, "Show me what you got on," I say. He hesitantly stands up and tries to show me his shorts without showing me what the front is looking like, but that side view was enough for me to see what I wanted to see. He sits back down. His tenseness makes me smile.
"Take the shorts off." He looks embarrassed, but still he starts to pull his shorts off anyways. When it's all the way off I examine him. "Back up..." he backs up, "And uncross your legs." He slowly uncrosses his legs, making the long t shirt ride up a little bit and expose some of his lower half.
"Uh..." he blushes.
"Don't talk." I say. "Just do what I say. That's what you wanted right?" I can see him tryna find something else to say but he knows I'm right so he settles on saying nothing at all, like I asked him to. This is why I say I don't think he knows what he's getting himself into, because now Imma make him do shit he never done before.
I take my time and admire him. I'm not in a rush or nothing being that I got some time on my hands. So while I'm admiring him, I'm giving him time to get rethink what he just asked me for. He could put a stop to it now, but if he doesn't say nothing else after this and just accepts it? Then I'm accepting it too.
"You got the prettiest face, you know that." I say to him. Cam grins hard and thanks me, all shy and shit. I tell him all the time, I feel like he be needing a reminder. "Lay back." Cam lays back, laying his head on his pillows. The t-shirt rides up more, now resting right on his stomach leaving his bottom half uncovered. "Spread your legs."
He follows my instructions, lifting his legs up too without me even having to ask. He must've known that if he did that shit lazily I woulda just made him fix his self. I watched his stomach rises and falls with each nervous breath he takes. While he busy feeling embarrassed and trying to calm himself down, I'm busy looking at his body, hating the fact that I'm not laying next to him right now. If I was, I wouldn't know what the fuck depression is. Obviously I'm exaggerating, but when I'm fucking Cameron I'm not thinking nothing about being depressed. All I know in that moment is that I'm a lucky ass nigga.
Even though I'm not physically with him right now, he still taking my mind off whatever the fuck I was complaining about earlier. Soon as I hang this phone up though I bet Imma need to roll another blunt just so I could distract myself some more.
"Now put your hand around your dick. You know what to do." I say. I know he told me that he hasn't done nothing like this the whole time I was away, but I know he knows what to do the way he be having me. He just need to do the same thing to himself and stop going to sleep with a hard ass dick for no reason. Only he would make himself suffer like that when there's a clear solution.
Cam wraps his hand around himself and then leans his head up, making eye contact with me through the camera. He's mad embarrassed, but we not bout to stop now. I give him a nod, signaling for him to continue, so he does and begins to stroke on his dick then lays his head back down on the pillows behind him, exhaling deeply.
"How it feel." I ask him after a few shaky breaths and quiet moans.
"Good," he smiles shyly, still stroking himself. I lick my lips at the sight on my phone screen.
"You so sexy," I mumble. His moans are quiet ones because I know he don't want nobody hearing him since he most likely in the house with Tyler and Taleah. He can't cover his mouth because his other hand is in the cast since he can't move it, so the best he could do is just try to keep his voice down. I decide to continue to speak my mind because I know that gets him all the time. "I can't wait to get back to you. Lay you down," I start. "Hold your legs back. Kiss up and down that pretty ass dick."
When I say that, Cameron stops touching himself midway and puts a hand over his mouth instead, stopping himself from getting too loud. "Nah, don't stop." He listens to me, and puts his hand back where it was and continues doing what he was doing. He keeps his pace slow, stroking until I tell him to stop when he lets out a breath that by now I know means he's gonna cum. He frowns, frustrated that I stopped him but he then sits up a little bit, more flustered than frustrated.
"Uh why is it only me?" He blushes awkwardly, realizing that I'm just watching him. I'm fine with it. I'm more worried about not taking my eyes off of him. "Do it with me...." He says. I respond to him with silence, still too busy looking at his body to be worried about mine. "Come on..." he adds, getting impatient. I reach into my shorts and pull my dick out, angling the camera lower so it's in the camera. Without saying anything else, I start stroking my dick which makes him continue to touch his.
While he's zoning in and out, going faster and slower when he feels it's right, watching my hand do what it's doing, I'm watching his asshole clench and unclench over and over again like he missing my dick inside of him. So I tell him to stop and first use some of that lubricant he bought, and then guide him to use his fingers inside of himself.
"My fingers are not as big as yours are, it won't feel the same." he says. He think he entitled to big dick and long fingers now. Ain't even give his own self a chance.
"Push it all the way in." I say. He pushes two fingers inside of himself. "Aight baby. Now you gotta—" I never thought I woulda had to explain how I do this shit. "Curve your fingers and tilt them to the right, just a little bit."
"Okay." He nods.
"Now push your fingers up, keep pushing it up like that when you going in and out. Go 'head." That's how I do it, but I don't even know if I explained it right. He follows my instructions and for the first couple seconds, he don't react. I don't blame him because it's mad specific and it's about the angle that your fingers is at so it could take a couple tries. I don't got that problem but I could see why he would. When he finally gets it right I can tell because he starts moaning quietly again, spreading his legs so he can get a better angle. When I'm sure he good, I start stroking my dick again.
"You so pretty baby," I complement him again. He whimpers in response. "Can't will till I get back so I could taste you." I admit. Now my timing really bout to be different when I do visit him. He shoulda never said shit. Cameron whines and I could tell it comes out too loud because he folds his lips in to shut himself up. "Put this dick in you." I mumble, tightening the grip of my hand.
"Yes," Cameron breaths out in a whisper. He moves his fingers faster, becoming more sloppy the closer he gets to nutting.
"Stroke that dick." I finally instruct him to do. He quickly takes his fingers out of himself and pulls on his dick fast while I'm pulling on mine, his face getting more red as he tries his best to hold his moans in. He looks at me stroking my dick and breathing heavy. I'm making sure I'm keeping my own voice down too. My whole son in the next room, he don't need to be traumatized like that.
"Ant." Cameron quietly moans while cumming all over his stomach. He slows down the motion of his hand, getting all the cum out and then whimpers when he sees that I'm nutting too on my own stomach. "Shit." I exhale, licking my lips. When I finish, I let go of my dick.
I wish I could say I'm fully relieved of any sexual frustration I might have had in me but this shit only made me feen to be with him even more than I was before. I lift the camera up. "How was that?" I ask him since this was his first time ever doing something like that. I hope this ain't the last time and he stop depriving himself just because I'm not around.
"Uh..." he blushes, "Not you...but nice." He grins. I smile back. After we clean up, we lay in our beds and stay on FaceTime in mostly silence since Cameron is getting tired. One thing about Cam, he can't never stay awake after he nut. "Can we stay on the phone?" He asks.
"Yeah." This won't be able to happen a lot, so I don't mind. And even if it did happen a lot I wouldn't mind either. I actually wish it could be like that all the time. I miss sleeping with him and it's only been one week we been away from each other.
I watch Cameron fall asleep and then force myself to go to sleep too since I need to make sure I'm not making myself tired or irritable for therapy tomorrow.
Aj POV 👁👁
Ivy: hey friend u busy?
Raheem: No
Ivy:...i WASNT talking to you. im talking to aj. 😐
Raheem: Idc
Kyra: lmfao
Kyra: @ aj ???
Me: I'm busy
Ivy: ur not even from here what u busy doing😃😃😃😃😃
Kyra: liar
Kyra: FR
Ivy: anyways, we going to the amusement park today. it's gonna be us, my boyfriend and kyra's lil boo
Kyra: ain't nun lil bout her fine ass 😩
Ivy: okayyyyy bitch
Raheem: Aj Come thru fr
Kyra: oop!
Kyra: 😗yeah Aj come on you heard Raheem
Ivy: LMFAOOO yeah Aj come thruuuu
Raheem: Stop lol
Raheem: U coming tho?
I read over the text messages again. I shoulda never gave these niggas my number. They acted like it was for homework answers which Kyra did give some but that was literally only on Tuesday. Ever since then they just keep talking about everything but answers to homework.
Me: Im busy
Raheem: If U get less busy by 5 U should come. Let me know
Raheem: I mean let us know
Kyra: already said it nigga
Ivy: u said it right the first time rah, let him know aj.
Raheem: Chill out lol
Me: Ok
At that point I decide that the conversation is over. What the fuck Imma do at an amusement park? I ain't going, I'm really bout to be busy all day. But I didn't lie when I said I'm busy right now. Against my own will of course because when am I ever doing something that I'm comfortable with. I've had some time to stay away from this Hersey shut because for some reason daddy kept telling me tomorrow, tomorrow and we just never went. But he actually woke me up today and told me we going. So after a stressful week at that stupid ass new school, I can't even catch a break on a Saturday. Now I gotta go speak to some white woman about my problems. I'm not saying shit. We walking in right now too, so I already have my mind made up.
"Hi, Anthony?" The man at the desk asks. Daddy nods. "Have a seat." The man says. After less than a minute a black woman comes out and calls him and he walks off leaving me to stare into open space, hoping that we could just leave when he's done.
Ant POV 👁👁
"Have a seat." The therapist says. She puts her glasses on. "It's all apart of the process. All apart of the process...But you know I want you to explain. But first, how are you? It's been a while."
I start to sit down in the grey couch. I push the table that's in front of it so my legs could be comfortable. "Uh." I search my mind, trying to some up everything I've felt these past couple weeks. "I was good but lately not really..."
She writes something down. She writes down almost everything I say. "You went to see Cameron, right?" She smiles. I nod. "That's when you felt things were good I assume?" She raises her eyebrows. I nod again.
"Okay. So before we talk about that...tell me why therapy was rescheduled for the entire week."
"I didn't feel like talking." I answer honestly.
"Why?"
"Ion know."
She tilts her head, "You don't know why you didn't feel like talking-you only know that things started to get not so good when you weren't with Cameron anymore. So if I draw the timeline..." she starts to draw on a sheet of paper. She turns it around. It's showing that I stopped feeling like talking once I started cancelling therapy which is when I got here.
"Do you see what I'm seeing?" I nod.
"What?"
"I stopped talking because I wasn't with Cameron." I say.
"Okay," she shrugs and raises an eyebrow. "But I want you to look again." She holds the paper out more. I look at the paper again. I don't see what she wants me to see, I explained it already. I shrug.
"Cameron comes at the end of this timeline. What do you see before him?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing," she nods. "This is only a paper. This," she points at me, "is your life. What do you see before Cameron in your life. We're talking about your whole life here."
"What do I see?" I repeat "Nothing."
"Sadness, happiness, anger?" She edges. I shrug.
"Anger I guess. But it's always been like that."
"Mhm. And when you're with him?"
"I don't feel anger, I know that."
"Let's describe it. Is it Relief? Peace? Optimism? Happiness?"
"Happiness."
She puts the paper down. She always does that when she's about to make a point. "You're at a war with yourself Anthony. I think you understand that but you haven't accepted it yet. And seeing Cameron only made that war harder. You mask and I've told you this plenty. You allow temporary happiness to mislead you, and when...that's taken away...you shut down. You may look at it as drive or motivation when really its just...a disruption. Why didn't relief or peace strike something in you? Do you not feel relieved when you're with him? Peace?"
"I'm not there yet." I say. I know I got to work on myself. It's why I came here. "I'm doing this for him. And my kids."
"I know. Now let's say we get to a point where we end our sessions. I say 'bye bye Anthony Jackson, you are good to go! You've shown me that you've finally found happiness when you're around Cameron! You're finally a good husband and a good father!'...." She smiles "Are you a good person? Who are you without Cameron as what motivates you. Who are you when we take Cameron out of the equation—"
"Why would Cameron be out of the equation?" I ask. I can hear the irritation in my own voice, but I hate when somebody suggest Cameron not gon always be there. He not going nowhere.
"It's not really about who stays and goes in your life. It's about you. I'm not trying to help you realize that you can be a good husband and father right now. We can only do that once you realize managing your mental illness is about you, Anthony. Not you for Cameron. Not you for your kids. You for you first, and the other issues will be addressed naturally that you will see you don't have to work as hard to prove yourself. You can't be a good husband with a heavy mind. Masking. That nothingness we talked about is something. It's stagnancy. Without Cameron, you're stagnant. I've never had to reschedule your therapy so much when you hadn't visited them. Don't make what makes you happy the reason you slip into that place that you can't get out of. Because you know what that's gonna do?" She waits until I make eye contact with her.
"What?"
"That's going to make you hate him." She whispers. "Blame him for not always being around. It's either that or you will become dangerously obsessive. You know what we're dealing with. Your borderline personality disorder will only thrive off of your dependency. We're gonna work on this."
"I'm never gon hate Cameron. I know I could be obsessive—"
"You know, but you don't care enough. You say it with no urgency. You just," she throws her hands up "who knows, maybe I'll become obsessive, maybe I won't. Time will tell, whoopty fucking doo." She shakes her head. "No. I always tell you. It's not about knowing, it's about doing. I know you know what your problem is, we've talked about it enough and it's clear. Address them Anthony. It's time to address. We're gonna continue to move forward so that you can be a good person for everyone around you and in turn be a good husband and a good father."
I look away from her. I wasn't gonna bring this up but, I feel like it's important. Especially since she's about to meet him. "When I got back...I found out that my son had been mistreating Cameron and I blacked. I beat him like..like he wasn't my son. And I told him I woulda killed him if it weren't for Cameron. And I know I would have in that moment. Of course I would've regretted it but...that's just how I felt in that moment."
"You have one son right, the one here today?"
I nod.
"And you said you told him you would have killed him if it weren't for Cameron?"
"Yeah."
"You know what I'm gonna say right?"
I blankly stare at the wall behind her.
"You've put yourself between a rock and a hard place. If you turn towards Cameron, he is the only person you see. If you turn away from Cameron, you become self destructive. A move to Virginia alone is not going to help you learn to cope without Cameron until you make the effort to cope without Cameron. You, at 6 feet whatever you are, can't even reach the pedestal you put this man on. It's not your fault that you admire him. He's a wonderful person and I haven't even met him yet which I hope one day I will. And he's been a positive influence on your life in many ways. But," she sighs, "you are inflicting trauma onto your kids. You won't get a chance to be the good father you say you want to be if your relationship with your kids ultimately depends on an ultimatum. Accept the pedestal Cameron is on or else. You didn't put him there, but I did. So everyone has to see him from the same perspective I see him from. Everything I do revolves around him so everything you do should revolve around him too."
"So what else I'm supposed to do when my kid leaving bruises on him and had him end up in the hospital from stress."
"Your son is not God. He didn't cast a magic spell to give your husband a stroke. He is the child in this scenario. I understand why you were upset because If I had a husband or wife that I loved and my child was hurting him, I'd be pissed too. But you take it up with the adult. You and Cameron are only two years apart but you act like he's a clueless penguin, just waddling around. He's grown. Talk to him about why that was even allowed. Talk to him about why therapy wasn't an option. Talk to him about how you guys could address the issue in its own. Now, I was raised in a Caribbean household so I'm going to keep my input about whoopings away from today's session." She laughs, "But I guarantee if you sat down and spoke to Cameron about what to do, and how you should do it...I would've killed you would have never came out your mouth. Why does he have to know that you would've killed him? Why should he have to grow up remembering everything you told him. You are not your father Anthony."
I almost say something but then I pause, "How you know he had a stroke?" I ask. She blinks and furrows her eyebrows.
"You didn't say stroke?" She asks, "I thought I heard that."
"Nah I said stress, but he did have a stroke. He can't move his left arm." I mumble.
"Oh wow. I'm sorry to hear that..." she shakes her head sadly. "You know...I would like to speak to Cameron one day. Just to get inside his mind if that's okay with him. I really need to."
"I'll ask him." I say. I will, if it's really as important that she's making it seem.
"Okay, good... Let's do a couple exercises and see where your mind is at right now. Not where you think your mind will be at the end of this session, but right here right now. Ready?"
I nod.
"On a scale on 1-10, how hopeful are you for your future?"
"2."
"Okay. So then let's answer this. On a scale of 1-10 how hopeful are you for the future of your marriage?"
"..." I think hard about this one.
"Don't try to think about what answer I'm expecting from you. This is solely about you."
"7."
"How do you explain that the hope for your general future is a 2, compared to the hope for one aspect of your future—which is your marriage—being a 7. Why do you feel like that 7 wasn't enough to make that 2 go up?"
"Because...." I get what she's saying. "My marriage is different from the shit I know I have to deal with regardless."
"Uh-huh. So why should you revolve your life around your husband, if you know that even a happy marriage isn't enough for a happy life?" She tilts her head.
I shrug, starting to feel myself check out. It's not intentional, sometimes I get tired of talking.
"So what steps can you take to ensure that you're not a sad man who is happily married?"
"Ion know."
"Give me something." She etches on.
"Go to therapy." I suggest.
"Therapy is a bridge, not a solution. Try again."
"Be happy." I say. I know it's not a good answer, I just don't know the answer she wants from me. The only thing that makes sense to me is going to therapy. I don't want to sit here and get frustrated, but I don't have the answers that she wants and it makes me feel like I'm wasting my time sometimes.
She smiles, "You know, like I know, that "be happy" is such a generic thing to say. But, what about this. What if you seek—and hear me out—seek happiness outside of what you're used to. Challenge yourself to enjoy yourself first before you try to successfully enjoy other people. It could be as simple as taking a walk. Getting good rest..." she continues to speak and list things that I could do to "challenge myself." But my thing is, how Imma do all that when I'm still killing people? I don't even get the chance to do that.
"Have you even tried? Or do you fall back on what you know Anthony Jackson usually does. See, when you limit yourself to one expectation, and in turn reinforce other people's assumptions about you, you start to not expect much from yourself and then don't do much for yourself. And then you also make everyone else comfortable in that assumption they made about you. Disconnecting from who you were isn't impossible, but it is a lot of work. We're getting there. But you..." she writes something down. "You need to not treat therapy like a second mask. A coverup to make it look like you're eager to become the best version of yourself. This isn't isn't something that you can fast track, and it isn't something that will just come to you. And now that you're on this new journey with your family, and being in Virginia with your son...don't waste your money and don't waste your time. This is serious. Therapy isn't something that you can attend just to say you're trying to be better. You have to actually try. Actually defy. Resist temptation... You're getting homework."
She tells me that on Monday, she wants me to come in with a list of things that make me happy that aren't Cameron. Before I could even think to put my kids down, she tells me my kids have to be excluded as well. So while she prints something out for me to write it on, I try to brainstorm everything that makes me genuinely happy that isn't Cameron.
I can't think of one thing.
Aj POV 👁👁
After an hour of sitting in this waiting room, my daddy finally comes back out. I hope this nigga just wanna go back to the apartment now, I don't wanna do this. But with my luck, apparently I still have to. The same woman who called him comes out and waves me over. I slowly and dreadfully stand up, and walk all the way down to the room she called me from. This bout to be the longest hour of my life. I look up at the clock on the wall. It's 2:30 right now. So 3:30 I need to be out of here.
"Have a seat right there. Thank you." She exhales, sitting in a seat of her own. I sit down in the single couch she pointed to and then lay my head in my hand tiredly. She puts some things away around her, organizing papers that were on the small table in front of her seat. "Okay, sorry. I'm a mess here." She puts her hands on her lap and then let's out another huge exhale. "Alright. It's a pleasure meeting you...?" She waits for my name. This bitch know my fucking name.
"Aj."
"Aj. It's a pleasure meeting you. I know you're new to Virginia, how you liking it so far?" She asks making me shrug in response. "Eh, not feeling it? That's okay." She comments.
"So tell me a bit about you then. Just the basics, age,interests, zodiac if you're into that." She pulls out a little ass note pad.
"Sixteen." I answer.
"Sixteen, okay. Anything else?"
I stay quiet, and after a few seconds shrug.
The therapist raises her eyebrows and begins to write as she speaks, "Alright. Aj. Sixteen years old. Not feeling Virginia, and not really feeling therapy, am I right or wrong?"
She wrong because I'm not feeling therapy at all. "I don't want to be here." I say. Maybe she'll let me leave.
"That's normal. I could imagine how it must feel talking to a stranger who thinks she knows every answer to your problem," she laughs, "but that's not me. I don't know every answer to whatever problems you may have and I don't pretend I do. But I like to say that when we work together, I aid in that push that allows you to find the answer to your problems yourself. So, don't ever think that I think I know it all, or that I know more about yourself than you do. You live your own experience, and you have your own brain. But a bit of interjection can go a long way—do you-do you get what I mean?" She squints. So another way of saying she's gonna tell me I got a problem when I don't.
I shrug.
"It takes some time, I understand. Are you here because you're forced to be here?" She questions, leaning forward.
"Yeah."
"Okay. So we can take it easy then. Since you're a minor, and I'm just following instructions from your father, I can't just tell you to leave because you don't want to be here. But can I ask you a couple yes or no questions? That'll help me get to know you more and make the time fly by. I know it's Saturday and you tryna get home, relax from this hectic week, right?" She laughs, "You just started school too huh? Stressful I bet."
"Yeah."
"From what you've seen is it any different from school in New York?"
"Yeah."
"Better or worse?" She puts a finger on her chin. I shrug.
"Ion know."
"So pretty much the same, school is school. You still got tests and homework whether you're in New York or Virginia." She laughs. I nod to that. "Made any new friends?"
I shake my head. I wouldn't consider people tryna talk to me and me not responding back "friends." I know that Ivy, Kyra, and Raheem is trying to get to know me since for the whole week at school they was always finding a way to talk to me or sit with me. But I don't think that makes us friends because I haven't really been giving them the time of day. So no, I haven't made any friends and I don't plan to. I'm not the type of person people wanna be friends with anyway since apparently I'm such a problem.
"Why not? Would you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?"
"Introvert." I answer plainly.
"Okay, so is it hard making friends for you? Also sorry, I know I said we'd get into the yes or no questions but I'm just trying to know a little more-uh so have you got a lot of friends in New York?"
"No."
"If you had to put a number to it, how many would you say?"
"One." Zyier.
"So, again, is it hard making friends?" She frowns.
"I don't want to."
"You don't want to make friends? What is it about making friends that your just like 'Nah, this is not for me' ?" She waves her hands, pretending like she's dismissing the idea of making friends.
I shrug. I just don't like making friends, I don't know.
"One thing." She puts up a finger.
"Too much talking." I say.
"Does it feel like sometimes talking is a whole bunch of noise for you? Cant really tune into a conversation, or feel a connection to the conversations?"
I nod.
"And you don't like to talk either, huh."
I nod again.
"Hm." She almost reaches for her pen but then she stops herself. "See i was about to start writing things down but—" she takes off her glasses "I feel like I should let you know that I was very socially awkward when I was a teen. And that's not to just call you socially awkward, but people talking to me and me having to talk to people was just not my thing. It seemed to me that people always were talking too much and about...nothing really."
Niggas never talking about shit, just talking to talk.
"I kid you not, I was in the eight grade, and I would literally walk away from conversation. People would be mid sentence and then I'd be like 'yeah....bye.' Not even that, I'd just be out of there."
"Yeah."
"Yeah, you do that too?" She laughs. I nod. "Have you always been that way, or was there a switch? As far as you know, of course."
I was always bullied as a kid so niggas wasn't tryna be my friend when I was actually trying. So I guess when I got to middle school, I probably switched. I couldn't put a date on it. I just know I got tired of tryna prove myself to people, so I just stayed to myself. Simple. But she don't gotta know all that because I know her ass think she tricking me into being comfortable with talking to her. So I shrug.
"So, who's the one friend you have back at home? How did they get through to you? Since I know you're already aware that you're an introvert."
I glance up at the clock. Nigga it ain't even been twenty minutes yet. I look back at her after opting to stay silent for two minutes, just watching the clock. When I looked back at her, she still was looking at me, waiting for an answer. "My boyfriend."
"What's his name?"
I sigh. She ask too many questions. "Zyier."
"So how'd Zyier get through to you? We're you guys friends first, or did you jump into a relationship status?" She asks. I actually don't know how Zyier got through to me. I've met mad persistent people in my life that didn't go nowhere in terms of friendship, but with me and Zyier it just happened naturally. I mean I just got his number when I saw him and that was it. I guess it's because I was actually interested in him, he ain't have to do anything to get through to me. He lets me be myself without pressuring me to talk more or some shit, so he's himself and I'm myself and we just together.
"I met him and got his number."
She hums, "Just a lucky boy on a lucky day?" If you put it like that then I guess. "Alright, anyways. Let's get into our yes or no questions so that we don't have to talk too much today. You ready?" I look behind her at the wall. This is so dumb. This whole thing is just dumb. How the fuck is talking to some random woman supposed to help me.
"In general, are you happy?"
"No."
"I'm general, are you sad?"
"No."
"Have you lately felt any feelings of depression, suicidal thoughts, or uncontrollable anger?"
"No."
"Would you consider yourself irritable?"
"Yes."
"Would you consider yourself naive?"
"No."
"Has anyone ever told you that you have a bad attitude?"
"Yes."
"Have you ever been praised for your attitude?"
"No."
"Do you think that therapy can help you?"
"No."
"Do you think you need help?"
"No."
"This isn't a yes or not question, but it is one word. Are you usually the victim or the villain?"
"Villain." According to everybody else. According to me, I'm the victim of a weird ass family.
She asks a lot more random questions, like do I have a good relationship with my family which I obviously answer no, and if I could go back in time and do things differently, would I, and I answer yes. There's one question that makes me uncomfortable, though. She asked "Is there anything that you've vowed to take to the grave with you?" I answered 'No' even though I know it's not true. But I'm not even tryna suggest nothing to nobody, because I know how therapists think they could just be nosy and try every trick in they book to get you to talk about what you said you was never gonna talk about. Nobody knows about that shit but me, and it's gonna stay that way. The question made me feel like she was looking at me and could tell my secrets and read my mind, so I started getting fidgety and shit. So even though I said no, I know she was writing something else down from the way I reacted to the question.
"Alright, and I'll ask one more question. See how fast the time went by?" I look up at the clock again. It's 3:20. I look back at her, waiting for the question.
"How do you feel about your family dynamic? And what I mean by that is, you come from a unique situation. Your father Cameron was able to conceive you with your father Anthony, and I know that Anthony was in prison for a long time. Do you feel that any of those realities affected you in any way?"
"Yeah."
"Do you think they affected your twin sister?"
"No."
"No. What about Anthony being in prison affected you but not your sister?"
I shrug. "She got papa, ion know."
"Oh, so she and Cameron are close? You two, not so much." She hums. I nod.
"And how's your relationship with Anthony now that he's out? Are you guys close?" She asks. That makes me laugh a little bit. If I really said what I wanted to say about this nigga right now, I'd be fucked up.
"Nah."
"How is your sisters relationship with Anthony?" Taleah has always had it easy. So of course her and daddy got a good relationship, she's never wrong in their eyes. With me it's different.
"Good."
"So your sister has a good relationship with both her parents. And you don't have a good relationship with either of them. Okay—you know what, here's your homework. Our time is nearly up, and I know today was full of questions here and questions there, but there's no need to get too heavy. I will never force you, this is all apart of the process. So when I see you on Monday, we're gonna look at this homework I assign you and go from there. I want you to write down negative traits about yourself and positive traits about yourself. Be as honest as possible, and try to come up with five each. Okay?" She hands me a sheet of paper. This ain't school fuck am I getting homework for? Daddy ain't told me nothing about homework.
As soon as she tells me "See you Monday." I'm out of there. I glance at the paper she gave me, it look like a kindergarten worksheet. I dead could've just wrote the list on some paper from a notebook. It's gonna be a bullshit ass list anyways. My daddy stands up from the chairs when he sees me, and then we leave.
"How you feel about it?" He asks me. Why is he even talking to me right now when he knows good and well I ain't wanna do that shit in the first place. My feelings is obviously negative how it's always been. So I'm not even about to answer him, that was a dumb question.
"You get used to it...I still am. I know you don't like to talk much, but she work with you." He mumbles, and then rolls the window down. He ain't say much just now, but this is the most he's spoken to me in a full week, not that I'm complaining. So if therapy is the reason why he's speaking to me in full sentences, he needs to stop going. But it's literally just that one sentence because he doesn't speak to me for the rest of the ride back to the apartment. Good.
While we're walking up the steps to the door, my phone starts blowing up out of nowhere. And by blowing up I mean somebody is sending me text messages back to back. I check and it's the same group chat with Ivy, Kyra, and Raheem. I check the messages when I'm in my room.
Ivy: it's almost 5 y'all raheem come pick me & huang up. im at his house
Kyra: @ ajax how y'all say it in ny
Kyra: what's the worrrrrrd 🤪 lmfaoo, u coming?
Kyra: also @ rah get me after u get ivy
Ivy: aj are you coming?
Me: No
Kyra: and why is that 🤨
Ivy:🤨🤨🤨 u still "busy" huh
Me: Yea
Kyra: okay lmfao no pressure but we really hope u change ur mind
Ivy: fr
Raheem: Coming now
Raheem: Oh Aj U really not coming
"You coming to work with me. I gotta drive a hour out." My daddy pops into my room. Oh fuck no.
"Why I can't just stay here?" I question in annoyance. He always bringing me places with him like I'm a little ass kid. He mad fucking paranoid.
"Nah." Is all he answers. This whole week I been watching this nigga do tattoos and honestly I don't usually care since I be on my phone and shit, and be sitting in the stores close by. But that's different because it's after school. It's the weekend and if I gotta do that shit all next week again, I don't wanna spend my weekend sitting in some fucking tattoo shop. And now he talking about he driving an hour away, so now what. he a traveling tattoo artists or some shit, no. I do not want to go.
I bite my tongue so that I don't say what I really want to say. He's not gonna let me stay. So what I'm bout to do is use the amusement park as an excuse, make him think I'm going, and then stay my ass here.
"Somebody from the school invited me somewhere at 5." I start.
"Where." He mumbles, sounding confused. "Who."
"To a park. It's three of them."
He frowns. "The people that stand outside with you?"
Oh yeah, I forgot he seen them. "Yeah."
"What park?"
I look for the name of the amusement park and then tell him. He looks like he's getting convinced to let me stay. He walks away and I can hear him talking on the phone in the distance, then he comes back ten minutes later. "Aight. Let's go."
"What?" So it didn't work.
"Imma drop you off, let's go." Huh? He was supposed to leave and just think I'm going. Now if I say never mind, he's still taking me with him. I kiss my teeth.
"What's the problem?" He asks. I don't even say anything, I just walk out the apartment. This is so fucking stupid. While he's in the middle of driving, I try to tell him that I'm not going anymore and just to go to his job but he straight up tells me no. "No. Go have fun with your friends." He says. I'm not even joking, but when he pulls up to the amusement park I feel myself on a verge of tears. Yeah it's pussy, and no I don't care. I don't want to be here but my dumb ass ain't think this through.
"They not coming no more." I try. Daddy points out the window and standing right by a parked car is Ivy, his boyfriend, Kyra, and Raheem. I sigh. You can't be serious. He drives up to be closer to them, making them stare at the car. I watch them smile and look into the car window, but I know they can't see me because the windows are tinted. Still, I hear Kyra say, "I think that's Aj!"
My daddy unlocks the car door. "Bye. Have fun. I be waiting for you at 10."
"No..." I mumble.
"Get out my car Aj." he says.
"Just leave." I argue.
"No." He he says. Ivy and Kyra come around to my side and open the door.
"You're so annoying, you were really lying this whole time." Kyra laughs.
"Here," Daddy hands me some money. I put it in my pocket and he tells me to get out of the car again. While I'm getting out, Ivy takes it upon himself to talk to my daddy.
"Oh my god, Aj looks just like you. That's scary." He says.
Kyra goes around to see him and then she gasps, "Oh yeah, y'all are twins."
"We gon' make sure Aj stay safe. I know he's new out here but we not irresponsible or nothing like that. We just staying here till the park close, that's it." Ivy says.
"Ight. Have fun." Daddy says.
"Thank you Mr.Jackson!" Kyra says.
"Thank you!" Ivy adds.
"Thank you." Raheem says last.
I watch as my daddy drives away. I could've just stayed my ass in that car and been on my phone. This is the dumbest idea I've ever had in my life, I can admit that. "Oh shit I think Sienna is pulling up," Kyra says suddenly. A girl walks up to her and gives her a hug.
"Hey KyKy," she laughs, "you look pretty."
"You too." Kyra blushes.
They make the way into the park. For a bracelet to get on rides is $60 and they all pay for it except for me. They tried to convince me to pay for it, and even offered to pay for it, but money is not even what I'm thinking about. I don't get on rides and shit, that's why I don't like the amusement parks. Yeah, Im afraid of heights, and what about it? Ain't shit fun about getting dropped and spun and flipped around, like what. How you having fun off a near death experience. So I told them no, and then left it at that. What Imma do is Imma find a place to sit until my daddy come at 10:00.
"Let's get on this," they say about some roller coaster. I stand to the side, and find a seat while they all get on line for the ride. They can enjoy themselves, imma stay right here and text Zyier or something.
My eyes look up from my phone when I feel like I see somebody walking towards me. It's Raheem, not standing on the line like he was just standing on a couple minutes ago. I sigh to myself. He sits down next to me, but he doesn't say anything. He takes out his phone too and starts using it, so I go back to what I was doing. After about ten minutes of silence, everybody else comes back from the ride.
"Wack." Ivy huffs.
"For real." Kyra agrees with him, making the other two nod.
"So why don't y'all go on that one," Raheem points to a bigger roller coaster.
"No, we saving that for the grand finale. Huang bout to go win me a teddy bear." Ivy starts to walk off.
"Games right now?!" Kyra shouts at him with a frown.
"Yeah girl, I'm nauseous. I need a break." He continues to walk away with his boyfriend without another word.
Kyra makes a face at him from a distance and then rolls her eyes looking back at us, "That nigga is a lightweight man..." Her expression softens and then she looks at Raheem then looks at me. "You know what...Sienna, let's go see what I could win you." She says.
"Alright, let's see." The girl she's with smiles and then they walk off together leaving Raheem and I to sit on this bench. How they just gonna leave they friend and make him third wheel or whatever you call it. I woulda been mad. They just leaving him with a nigga he just met that don't even talk.
Raheem laughs to himself and then shakes his head, and goes back to his phone. He can definitely leave, there is no need to be sitting with me. He bought a whole sixty dollar bracelet.
"They not coming back." He says after thirty minutes of us sitting in silence. They have been gone a while and it's probably because they so busy being couples instead of being friends.
"Yeah." I agree.
He laughs a little bit and then looks at me, "You wanna go play some games with me?"
"Nah," I start. I don't play games. "But you could go." I say. He don't need to feel like he's obligated to sit with me, I don't want the company. Trust me.
"Damn." He says. "You ain't really wanna come did you?"
I shake my head honestly.
He leans forward, "So why you came?" I shrug in response. The story is too long to tell.
"I woulda been sitting here looking stupid if you didn't," he smiles. I look away from him. I find that whenever he pops up, I always gotta do that. I feel the same feeling of guilt I felt when I met him on Monday. It's nothing personal though, I just know what I would want Zyier to do in a situation like that, so I'm doing the same thing. I shouldn't even be talking to this nigga if I'm being honest. But I barely talk to him, so when I think about it, I'm really not doing anything wrong.
"How you liking it here?" He asks. I shrug again.
"You like to shrug," he mentions.
I shake my head, "Nah, I just don't know what you want me to say. It's regular."
Raheem stares at me for a moment and then smiles.
"What?" I ask defensively.
"Your accent funny. Y'all New York niggas make everything sound disrespectful," he laughs. "I like it though."
I stay quiet, now feeling self conscious about the way I speak. Nobody has ever told me I have an accent before, so I don't know what he's talking about. He's the one with the accent, the fuck.
"It's nothing really crazy out here." He mumbles, leaning down to tie his shoe. "I just got these jawns, now look." He sighs, trying to dust the dirt off the white shoes with his hands.
"Why would you wear new shoes to a amusement park." I mumble. I don't even go out and I would know you don't wear new shoes to an amusement park.
"Yeah, that was stupid." He says. It gets quiet between us again. Yo where is this nigga friends, they literally just left and ain't even stop by to ask him if he good. They just left him with me and went about they business.
"Come on." He stands up. "We could walk around at least."
I shake my head. "I'm good."
"Come on," he says again, motioning his head towards where all the commotion with people walking and playing is going on. "We just walking." He stands there and waits, looking around and at his phone. When I stand up I follow his lead and he's just walking around aimlessly. We come to a stop when he comes across a game he wants to play.
"Two player. Two player." The guy running the game says. That makes Raheem put his attention on me again.
"Come on." He smiles at me. I shake my head. "Just one round. This is light work." It's a game where you gotta throw balls at these little statues. I really don't want to play no games right now. I don't do shit like this so I wouldn't even know what to do. I shake my head again. "Aight." He gives up. He decided to play the one player version while I stand and watch him. He ends up getting a high score and then he wins a big teddy bear. When picking out the color bear he wants, he gets a pink one and then he gives it to a little girl standing behind him.
"Wow!!! Thank you!!!" She squeals.
"You welcome," he laughs and then smiles at the mother who's thanking him too. He comes back over to me and then we continue to walk. He stops at another game, this time it's basketball.
"Play with me." He says. "This the only time I'll ask."
I know how to play basketball kind of. I'm decent but I really think it's because of my height because I don't got too much interest in the sport. They tried to get me to join the team back at school in Brooklyn but my grades and behavior was too bad so I wasn't an option. Plus I ain't want to be on that team in the first place.
I shift on my feet, so he asks again. "Let's make a bet. I win, you gotta get on one ride. You win, I do your English homework for a week." He says.
"Bet." That's fucking easy. I do anything to get out of doing homework.
"Bet nigga," he laughs. Yeah, his laughing is over once he sees that I'm actually winning. Raheem tries to make another shot, but misses for the second time in a row, "Oh it's a bad day." He says in frustration. I ain't miss a shot yet. He gets the rest of his shots in, and ends up losing by one point since I missed a shot. I still won though. So I guess he doing my homework for a week.
"That's crazy," he mumbles while shaking his head "you cheated."
I laugh a little bit, "How?"
"Ion know." He smiles.
We stop at the food place so that he could eat something since he said he was hungry. Somehow he gets me in the middle of a conversation about rides, even though it's already been set that he lost the bet. "So what is it, you scared of heights?" He takes a bite of his food.
"Yeah."
"For real?" Raheem laughs. "Just close your eyes,"
"That don't make it better."
He grins and then takes a break from his food to check his phone. "Oh they said they eating now. But they all the way on the other side." He puts his phone down. "You like Ivy and Kyra?" He questions. I shrug in response.
"They cool." He's they friend so I can't just say I don't like them or something. But I'm not really lying when I say they cool. To me that means I don't really have nothing bad to say about them. They text too much, but that's really it. They fine. That doesn't mean I want to be friends with them though.
"Yeah. If you open up to them more, they even better." He nods. "You should open up Aj. For real. Even the way you sitting right now." He laughs. "You real closed off."
I look down at the way I'm sitting. I don't see what he's talking about.
"You got your arms across your chest, shoulders up, head down," he says. "Loosen up man." Raheem says jokingly. "We only tryna be your friend. Ivy and Kyra is really just friendly like that, they don't got no hidden agenda."
I went a long time without having friends, I don't find it necessary for me to step out of my comfort zone or loosen up to make friends. Im used to it by now. Raheem finishes eating his food and then he insists that we play more games. I finally agree to play with him after he asked for the third time. He won most of the games and each time he won he give gave the prize away. Whenever I won I just let him pick the prize to give to somebody because really, what Imma do with a bunch of stuffed animals.
"My bad." He apologizes when a ball he threw against a wall of a game accidentally bounces back and hits me in the face. "You good?" He walks up to me and looks at my face. When I open my eye I see just how close he is, which isn't even that close but it's close enough to make me get nervous, I back up and nod.
"Yeah."
"Aight, good," he makes eye contact with me and smiles. He smiles too much, he don't even smile this much at school, fuck is he smiling so much for. He licks his lips then looks away. "So you scared of heights for real?" He makes the last throw to hit a target and for the first time this game, he misses. The prize he gets he gives away and then starts walking off, so I follow.
"Yeah."
"Kid rides too?"
"I don't like no shit like that." I say. Kid, adult, it's all the same head spinning shit.
"Those teacups," he points to the spinning teacups that usually has mad little kids on it but is empty right now, "you scared?"
"It's not height so not really."
Raheem stops walking, "So let's go."
I am not getting on no fucking teacups. "Nah." I laugh. As big as I am, Imma sit in a little ass teacup?
"Come on," he laughs at me who's shaking my head. "One time."
"No."
He walks up to the person running the teacup ride and talks to her for a second. She smiles at him and then looks at me and waves me over. He turns around and waves me over too. I don't move, just give him the same response I been giving him, so he jogs over to me and grabs my hand. The nigga grabbed my hand. He pulls me along with him to the Teacups, up the little steps, and onto one of them and then he lets my hand go. "Sit down." He says.
"Cmon! It's not scary." The girl running the ride says. I sit down and then almost immediately, she starts it up. It starts spinning around at first which isn't too bad. Raheem stares at me.
"What?" I question.
"You good?"
I nod. He puts his hand on the wheel in the middle and begins to spin it. It's not too bad at first but the. He just keeps going, spinning faster and faster. "You do it" he stops and tells me to spin it. I do, but not as fast as him. "Aight let's do it together. See how fast it could go." He puts his hand on the wheel and then smiles at me, "go." He does most of the work, but both of us spinning it makes it go way too fast for the both of us. Now I'm talking bout I'm dizzy and he's talking bout he bout to throw up. "Fuck." He lowers his head. He better not throw up anywhere near me. The ride stops and he stumbles over his feet getting out. My head is spinning like shit right now.
"I'm good. Let's sit though." He says after making sure he doesn't actually throw up.
We sit in a bench that's more so in a corner so nobody is really sitting over there. We sit down for about ten minutes, in silence, Raheem really tryna focus on making himself less nauseous. Once he's good, he sits back up straight, throws his head back and closes his eyes, then turns his head to me, opening them back up.
"What?" I ask.
"What?" He chuckles.
"You looking at me."
"My bad. I was gonna ask you a question."
"What?" I ask again.
He looks like he's about to say something, but I can tell he's stopping himself from saying it. I look at him, waiting on him to speak but it's like he's just not saying anything. He apologizes and then laughs at himself for stuttering. He ends up not saying anything at all and just saying forget it. That kind of bothers me because now I wanna know what he was gonna say, but whatever.
"You got something in your hair," he says. I reach on top of my head and feel around for something, but I don't feel anything there. Right as I'm about to take my phone out to see where it is, Raheem leans over.
"I got it." He mumbles. He reaches on top of my head and pulls out a feather. That must've been from one of the bears or something. He pulls out a couple more, "Damn. What was you doing?" He laughs and glances at my eyes, then looks back up at my hair. "Aight..." he's still pulling feathers out my hair. I don't know how all that got in there. "You good." he finally says, backing up now. I didn't realize I was holding my breath the whole time, but when he backs away I let out a big exhale. "Let's go do one more thing." He says. "This the last thing."
"I'm not getting on that." We're standing in front of the big rollercoaster he pointed out earlier. There's no way I'm getting on that shit. Them teacups was enough for me.
"One time." Raheem laughs, "Please."
"Come on, Aj he gon be by himself." Ivy and Kyra and the people they're with are standing at the end of the line, trying to get me to stand in it. Raheem is standing next to me, trying to convince me to get on.
"I didn't buy no bracelet." I use as an excuse.
"Don't worry bout that, I got you." Raheem says in response. No.
"No."
"I thought it was bout the bracelet," Raheem nudges me with a smirk, making me laugh from being called out. "Yeah nigga you bullshitting. Come on."
"It don't last more than forty five seconds." Ivy says.
"That's too long." Forty five seconds of being scared isn't fun.
"No you don't even realize it. Come onnnn. Aj! Aj! Aj!" Kyra starts to chant, and her girlfriend, Ivy, and his boyfriend join in on the chant. Raheem puts his arm around my shoulder and guides me towards the line. It happens so fast, but soon I'm sitting on the ride with Raheem next to me. He's convincing me to do too much.
Raheem looks at me, "Relax," he says. I cant relax.
"I can't."
"It's gonna be fun." He laughs while looking at me. "I never seen a nigga get red." He says. I'm fucking scared, why the fuck I got on this shit.
I look at the ride operator, about to tell him to let me off but I get distracted by Raheem's hand on my leg. I look at him and he looks back at me, "You good." He licks his lips and smiles. In that split moment I forget about being on the ride. This the second time today he touched me. And I don't even think he's doing it on purpose, I think he's just trying to be friendly, but he can't be doing that shit bro. It's different when you gay. I'm sure he knows he's attractive, so he should know that he need to keep his hands to himself unless he's trying to make people nervous. I shouldn't be nervous off some nigga touching me, but he just don't stop. He briefly squeezes my leg and then puts his hand back on the handles. "They bout to start. Just close your eyes."
I exhale. I'm feeling all types of things right now and none of it is good for me. I'm scared, confused, nervous, kinda upset.
"Raheem!" Kyra whispers from behind. Raheem turns around and they whisper something to each other, then he faces forward again. He looks at me, and once again he looks like he's bout to say something but he stops himself and looks away.
"Bitch," I hear Ivy kiss his teeth, "Hold hands, it makes it less scary!"
"Yeah!" Kyra adds on.
Raheem looks at me again and he looks almost nervous. "You want to?"
"Want to what." I mumble, mad that I'm even on here.
He holds his hand out, "Hold hands?"
My heart drops to my stomach, skips a couple beats, shit I don't know. All I know is I wasn't expecting that. At all. "It's cool if you don't want to." I don't know if it because I feel too bad to reject, or if it's that I'm actually just scared, but I end up holding his hand. While I'm holding it I feel guilty, but I don't have much time to think about that because the ride starts. It starts off slow, going up to reach the top. Raheem grips on my hand tighter.
The ride continues to slowly go up, only giving me more time to be nervous. Why would I ever let this nigga talk me into this bro. I see the first cart reach the top of the ride, and I can hear the people up front screaming. I close my eyes and my breathing starts to get heavy. I think Raheem tightens his hold onto my hand even tighter and starts mindlessly caressing it with his thumb but I don't know if I'm imagining things right now, my fear is too much to think about anything else.
It's our turn to reach the top. When we do, I feel okay thinking that it's not too bad. But when it makes that first dip, everything goes left. All that wind hitting my face and me feeling like I'm bout to die is enough to make me faint and miss the whole ride. The next thing I know, I'm opening my eyes to Raheem in my face, looking at me with a smile. "Wake up." He says.
"Not you really fainting boy you is childish." Ivy jokes when we're off the ride. I shake my head. It's kind of funny but I told them I'm scared, what did they expect. I'm not mad I fainted though because it helped me miss the rest of the ride. So in the end, it worked out for me. That first drop though, I thought it was over for me. "You alright though?" He asks. I nod in response.
"Good. No more rides." Kyra laughs. "Alright y'all it's thirty minutes till the park close. Um, me and Sienna be right back." She quickly speed walks off with the girl. "Come Ivy, I have something to show you." Ivy's boyfriend says. That makes them speed walk off too leaving me and Raheem once again.
He kicks at the dirt. No wonder why his new shoes dirty. "Sorry bout that." He says about me fainting.
"Yeah." It's fine. Really.
We walk together, stopping to get some food about ten minutes in. We stand at a table to eat. In the midst of us eating in silence, Raheem decides to talk.
"So..." he clears his throat. "So you like—you said you got a boyfriend?"
I nod. Raheem nods too in response and goes back to his food. Then he stops again. "Y'all serious?" He asks. I nod. He nods. "How long y'all been together?"
"Couple months." I say. He nods again. It gets quiet again so I decide to ask him almost the same question.
"You got a girlfriend?" I ask. He laughs.
"No. I broke up with a girl bout a month or two ago." He says.
"Oh."
We go back to silence, neither of us knowing what to say. For some reason it feels a little bit awkward now and I think it's Raheem's fault. I was already quiet the whole day, but now he's being extra quiet and it's just awkward. "So how long you staying out here for?" He asks. I shrug in response.
"I'm not sure." I don't want to explain why I'm out here, that's something nobody is ever gonna know. And I don't know how long this whole therapy thing is gonna take. Hopefully it's not long though. So I really don't know how long I'm here for.
Raheem hums, then stretches his arms out. "I hope you here for a minute."
"Why?" I question. Raheem shrugs.
"I feel like you need to open up more. I hope you around long enough for me to see that." He says. I glance at him without saying anything and he looks back at me, not saying anything else either. He starts to say something again but Ivy and Kyra pop up. "Let's go y'all. Aj, you need a ride? Raheem can take you."
"I'm good."
"You sure?" Raheem asks again. I nod. One, my daddy is coming, and two, I feel like there's tension and I'm not sure why and in small spaces like cars, that tension only gets worse, so I'm good. We all walk off to the exit and I can see my daddy's car from here. Everybody else walks ahead, leaving me and Raheem in the back. "You had fun?" He asks. I shrug. It was cool, still wish I was at home though.
"I did." He says and looks down, putting his hands in his pockets. "But I'm never getting on teacups again." He laughs. I nod in agreement.
"Yeah."
We continue walking, until we reach the mid point between my daddy's car and his car. "Aight Aj." He says. The way the moon is hitting him is making it look like his eyes is glistening or some shit, and the light from the amusement park is hitting his dark skin, and making his cheekbones stand out. This nigga. I cant even look him in the eyes. "I see you Monday." He licks his lips, his eyes looking all darting all across my face.
"See you." I say back, not even really paying attention to what I'm saying or how it's said. I probably sound nervous as fuck. But if I ain't wrong, he sound nervous too so it's whatever. He smiles at me one more time, making me get that feeling again, so I turn around and start to walk away. As I'm walking, I glance back briefly only to see that Raheem is still standing in the same spot, watching me walk away. He bites his lip and gives me a head nod. I give him nod back and then quickly turn around. I need to get in this fucking car, why is it taking so long, shit. From a distance I can hear Ivy and Kyra.
"Okayyy Raheem!!" I hear them both say, and then they all continue to laugh in the distance. I don't bother to turn around to see what about, I just need to get in this car. Once I'm inside the car my daddy immediately starts to drive away. The guilt I'm feeling is literally eating me up right now, I need to go to sleep and distract myself from everything that just happened. I got images of this nigga flashing in my head bro, it's not a joke.
"That boy like you." My daddy mumbles all of a sudden, after we drive away from the amusement park. Oh nah. I put my hoodie on and sink into the seat, wishing I could just disappear. And my daddy ain't make the shit no better.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
well well well 😗
thoughts on...
Aj?
Ant?
New Characters(Ivy, Kyra, Raheem?)
Other?
okay guys, another chapter down! i hope you enjoyed!! i actually started writing this one as soon as i published the other one in hopes that i'd be done in under a month and looky here, i made it 😏
imma see if next chapter we can take a visit to the tyler king household and see what's going on there 🤔
but alright y'all, see you *soon*, i hope you enjoyed this chapter!! i'm literally forcing myself to update it rn bc i overthink everything i write, but ykw that's what being a writer is all about!
okay, bye 💖💖💖