May 20th, 2010
12:10 PM
MJ POV
Don't wanna have me then somebody will
I'm playing
Weight on my chest like I body build
I'm praying
You ain't content with trying to do your thang
And come back baby boomerang, rang
"Alright," Austin said, pressing on the pause button hard. "It's good MJ, enough. Stop being meticulous and let's move on. You keep tryna make changes and it might not come out Saturday."
"I need this to be good," I said, pacing a little.
"It is good," Everybody in the studio responded.
"Now let's work on something else, please," Bruno practically begged. "We've been here for hours and we haven't gotten anything else done."
"My bad for trying to make sure my lead single doesn't fail." I mumbled, going to sit on the couch.
Ya boy finally had his lead single.
It was called 'All I Want Is You'. It was one of the songs that I freestyled in the booth, when Austin accidentally played the beat. This was the first sad song for the second part of the album that I could finish. It helped a lot to have this upcoming rapper, J Cole, hop on the track.
I was releasing it on the year anniversary of when everything went to shit in my relationship.
I was hoping it would make Jade want to reach out, but I doubted.
Still, it didn't hurt to try.
"It won't," Mica assured me. "Now can we please get to work on something else? You got one song for the second half of the album, let's get some more done."
"I guess," I mumbled, heading into the booth. I got situated in front of the mic before looking at them through the glass. Phil pressed the talk button.
"We doing 'Adorn' now or what?" I stared blankly at him and they all sucked their teeth. "What we doing MJ?!?"
"Today I don't feel like doing anything," I joked and they all groaned. As they did, a melody popped in my head.
"I swear to G-"
"Shh!!" I shushed him.
"He's lost his monkey ass mind," I heard Austin say as I started humming.
"Today I don't feel like doing anything," I sang lowly. "I just want to lay in my bed..." I took the headphones off and quickly grabbed my acoustic guitar. I played around with the chords. "Today I... no." I slowed down the guitar. I was playing too fast. "Today I..." I finally caught the rhythm. "Today I don't feel like doing anything, I just wanna lay in my bed... don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone, cause today I swear I'm not doing anything..." In my head, drums started playing, so I kept going. "I'm gonna kick my feet up, then stare at the fan, turn the TV on, throw my hand in my pants, nobody's gon' tell me I can't.. nah, I'll be lounging on the couch, just chilling in my Snuggie, click to MTV, so they can teach me how to dougie cause in my castle I'm the freaking man... Oh Yes! I said it, I said it, I said it 'cause I can..."
An hour later, we were listening to the finished product of 'The Lazy Song'. This is how I knew I had good chemistry with the rest of the guys. They could understand and pull out the music that I was hearing in my head.
"I don't know where this fits in with the rest of your album, but at least we did something," Bruno said as he and Phil high five.
"Yeah, and we should probably call it one now," I said, rubbing my forehead. Everybody looked at me like I was nuts.
It was funny. The way I kept them in the studio, you would think they would be excited.
"You alright?" Austin asked, eyeing me. I snickered.
"I'm good. I just feel like..." I shrugged. "The lead single is out in two days. I'm not feeling it and I'm obviously not going to do 'Adorn' anytime soon. Let's call it one and come back Monday. Get out this studio for once." They all looked at each other.
"Sounds good to me!!" Ari yelled and they all started laughing. I snickered as everybody started grabbing their things, ready to head out.
"We still going out for your birthday tomorrow right?" Austin asked as he put his book bag on his back. I nodded. It wasn't like they were giving me a choice. "Bet, see you tomorrow cuzzo." He headed out first.
"Peace!!"
"See you tomorrow!!" Ari and Phil left out. Bruno nudged me.
"Tomorrow," He simply said, nodding. That meant he'd have me a bag tomorrow. I nodded back. He looked at Mica. "Enjoy your trip man." Mica was going to Hawaii to celebrate both his birthday and graduation. He'd be gone from the 21st to the 29th.
"Thanks man, have fun tomorrow." Bruno nodded and headed out, leaving me and Mica by ourselves.
As Mica packed all his notebooks and stuff, I walked over to the whiteboard that had the tracklist.
First track was 'Runaway Baby', then 'Quickie'. After that was 'Treasure', 'Just The Way You Are', 'Girl With The Tattoo Enter.Lewd', 'Our First Time', 'Sure Thing' and finally 'All I Want Is You'. I had written and recorded 'Sure Thing' myself, before everything happened.
I shook my head at the tracklist.
I needed to get a grip. In three months, I only managed to choose one song I wanted for the album.
"What you thinking?" Mica asked, walking over to me.
"For one..." I stared at the tracklist. I didn't like the placement of 'Girl With The Tattoo Enter.Lewd'. I erased it and moved it to be after 'Sure Thing'. "It didn't fit right there. I think it represents Mia more than it does Jade."
"It's definitely a better placement, it represents the turning point in..."
"The album and the relationship, definitely." We both stared at the tracklist.
"So 'Adorn' will be right here," Mica pointed, between 'Sure Thing' and the Interlude. I nodded. "I feel like something else should be after 'Adorn'."
"Like?" I asked, looking at him.
"Not sure. I should be able to come up with something while I'm gone." I nodded.
"I hope I can too," I mumbled.
"You just need a break," Mica assured me. That wasn't the only thing I needed. I nodded as he patted my shoulder before grabbing his things. "Are you going to be alright without me?" I looked at him and sucked my teeth as he chuckled.
"Yeah man, gone. Enjoy your trip. You deserve it." He gave me a small smile.
"Thanks. Happy early birthday." We hugged.
"Thank you." He left out, finally leaving me by myself. I stared at the tracklist for a little longer before heading over to the soundboard. I did the playback for 'Adorn' and blew out a breath, jogging into the booth. Grabbing the headphones, I quickly put them on.
She's art dealer chic
Won't you be my friend?
My freak
"Yeah," I sang as those three lines repeated. I cleared my throat and closed my eyes before I started singing the first verse. "These lips can't wait to taste your skin, baby, no, no, and these eyes, yeah, can't wait to see your grin, ooh, ooh, baby..." As I started the chorus, the night I proposed, the night Mila was made, popped in my head and I was tempted to take the headphones off and throw them.
But I didn't.
It was now or never.
I could record this, throw it on the album, and ignore it like how Pops ignores a lot of his best songs.
I swallowed harshly as I started the second verse. I could vividly remember the living room of my old condo, filled with candles, balloons, and flowers, with Jade getting emotional.
My chest tightened and I continued to try to push through as I sang the chorus.
I pushed the falsetto out, placing my hand on my chest. "Let my love adorn you, baby, don't you ever... don't you let nobody tell you different, baby, I'll always adore you, you gotta know now, you got to know, know, know now..." I swallowed hard, taking a breath. It was almost over. As I let the beat ride a little, flashes of me and Jade's time together popped into my head. My fists curled up and I started to belt out the rest of the song. "Ohhh yeah! The same way that the stars adorn the skies, yeah, oh, and look up, sugar, now, hey, hey, hey! The same way that my whole world's in your eyes..." I could feel my chest tighten even more as I pictured Jade right in front of me. I shook my head, trying to shake it off. "Ooh, and it's time now, just let, let my loooove... Adorn you baby!!" I wasn't trying to sing in a higher key, it just happened to come out. "Hey!! Le-le-le-let it dress you down!! You gotta know, baby... oh, you gotta knooow, know that I adorn you, yeah," I gripped my chest as I hit the note again. "Oh, love ain't never looked so good on ya!! Oh, put it on, baby... let my love... adorn... you," My voice cracked as the track ended.
I ran my hands over my face before snatching the headphones off and opening my eyes. I didn't expect anybody to be there when I did, so I almost jumped out of my skin when I saw Mica on the other side of the glass. He gave me a sympathetic look.
I didn't deserve it.
Mica pressed the button to speak.
"You alright?" I shook my head.
"I miss her so much."
May 21st, 2010
5:06 PM
I hoped year 22 would be good to me.
The day had been fine so far. I managed to sleep in for the first time in a long time, my little sisters (mostly Melody) made me breakfast, we did some activities which included going to El Matador beach (I clearly hoped to see Jade there, but that was to no avail), then we met up with mama and Pops for lunch. After that, they all headed to Neverland for the weekend and I went to the studio.
I had nothing else to do. I would be seeing some of my people later, and my closest friends all went to Hawaii for their graduations.
I could've gone, but I needed to get this album done. I couldn't take a week off.
I mean, I could've, but I didn't think that was best for me.
It probably would've helped to go on a vacation, but it was too late now.
I was still at the studio when my phone rang. Without looking up from my notepad, I answered it.
"What it is?"
"Happy birthday bubba." I scoffed.
"Bubba? Haven't heard that in awhile," I mumbled, closing my notebook. "But thanks. Even though my birthday started hours ago." Serenity sighed.
"I thought you were busy in the studio."
"Regardless if I was or wasn't, you'd try to be the first one to wish me a happy birthday any other year so what's the difference this year? Guess you still holding onto shit that has nothing to do with you."
"What are you talking about?"
"Don't act dense, Serenity, you know what I'm talking about. We've barely spoke i-in- matter of fact, it'll make a year tomorrow since you've been acting differently."
"Wh-"
"I know I fucked up with Jade, but damn you're my sister. My fucking twin. My best friend. How do you start acting funny when you've known me since we were in the womb together?! As if losing Jade and having Mia as my baby mama wasn't enough."
"MJ-"
"I needed you," I said, my voice cracking. "Before if I couldn't talk to anybody else, I could talk to you. And you turned your back on me for what?! Do you even talk to Jade? You didn't get cool with her until me and her started talking!! How you gon choose her over me?"
"I didn't choose her!! You're my brother and-" I scoffed.
"Whatever. Thanks for the call Serenity. Happy birthday to you too, don't expect to hear from me tomorrow." I hung up the phone and tossed it on the couch before blowing out a breath.
I needed to get fucked up tonight.
11:33 PM
Pocket full of money (money)
Club don't jump
Til I walk inside the doorway (doorway)
Bottles of that rose
Smellin' like Dolce and Gabbana (Yup!)
Shawty you the baddest and to meet you is an honor (honor)
Lil mama
"I want to give a special shout out to the birthday boy, happy birthday MJ!!" The DJ yelled out and practically everyone at Drai's Hollywood followed suit.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY MJ!!" They all cheered as I raised the glass that I was holding to them, grinning before looking over at my boys and nodding at them.
I had to admit, I was having fun.
I wasn't in the most celebratory mood after the events of the year, but I'm glad they forced me out. I had some liquor and some drugs, and that was all I needed.
I walked away from the balcony and over into the private cabana I had, where Bruno was making on some mixed-looking chick while another chick rubbed his shoulders. I snickered, making Bruno look at me.
"Did yall tell MJ happy birthday?" Bruno asked his female companions. They looked at me through low eyes, meaning they were high as shit.
"Happy birthday MJ," All the ladies in the cabana purred.
"Thank you, ladies." The one who was once rubbing Bruno's shoulders walked over to me.
"Happy birthday MJ," She said as she started rubbing on my chest. I took a sip of my Hennessey.
"Thanks," I responded and she smirked.
"I have a gift for you," She said suggestively. I almost told her 'I don't want any fish', but I kept my mouth closed.
"I'll get it later," I responded, brushing past her to Bruno. "Yo."
"Yeah?" He asked, looking away from the girl. I gave him a look and he nodded, going into his pocket. He passed me the bag of coke and I nodded, heading out of the cabana as I shoved it in my pocket. I didn't need Austin coming in and catching me.
Heading down the stairs, I headed into the inside of Drai's. It was jam packed, which was to be expected. People spoke to me as I walked by. I acknowledged them, keeping the conversations short though. I was on a mission, I couldn't be talking to these people all damn night.
I barely managed to get away from one person when another called my name.
"MJ!!" The voice sounded familiar, making me furrow my eyebrows. I looked around the crowd, and realized it wasn't anybody but fucking Kiana. I sucked my teeth and started on my way again. "Really?!" Yes bitch. Gone.
I got over to the bathroom, and of course she fucking followed me.
"Really MJ?"
"Girl what do you want?" I asked, turning to her. Her eyes were bloodshot red and low. But I couldn't say she didn't look good. I hadn't seen Kiana since my last birthday. She had got thick with an emphasis on the 'th-'. She was peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth thick. Goddamn.
"You heard me calling you," She said, folding her arms.
"Yeah, and that's why I asked you what you wanted," I responded, eyeing her before looking at her face. There was a ghost of a smirk there.
"To speak. I can't speak?" I sucked my teeth.
"Man, Kiana what you want?"
"Can I come up to your cabana please?" She asked and I scoffed. "I got some girls with me. Enough for each of your boys." I laughed.
"We have plenty of girls up there if you haven't noticed." Kiana sucked her teeth. "So we good." I headed into the bathroom.
"MJ!!" She yelled, following me into the bathroom. I looked back at her like she was crazy.
"Get out the men's bathroom," I snickered, shaking my head. What was wrong with her? Other than being under the influence.
"Why?"
"Cause I'm about to piss." I walked over to the urinal, pretending that I was about to whip it out. I looked over at her and saw her rolling her eyes.
"It's nothing I haven't seen before."
"You haven't seen it before. Puberty did me right. I'm a whole new nigga baby." I winked at her and she snickered.
"Boy bye. All this talking you're doing, you could've been whipped that shit out."
"Kiana, if you want to see my dick, you can say that," I fully faced her. I was joking, but then she started eyeing me. And maybe it was the alcohol and drugs in my system. Or maybe it was how the pink dress was hugging her thick ass. But for the first time in a year, I wanted sex. And for the first time in over five years, I wanted it with Kiana.
Yeah, it was definitely the alcohol and the drugs in my system.
Kiana walked over to me, and immediately started rubbing on my crotch.
"What if I want to do more than see it?" She asked, biting her lip as she kept rubbing. I was sensitive since it had been a minute, so my dick was ready to come out and play.
She kept rubbing on me, and rubbed a little too far left. I didn't think anything of it at first, until she paused and gave me a weird look.
"What's this?" She asked as she rubbed the bulge in my pocket. I thought about it.
It was the fucking coke.
"Don't worry about it- aye!!" She tried to go in my pocket but I grabbed her hand. "Damn give me some personal space!!"
"Now you want personal space?" She asked, raising her eyebrow.
"Yeah, 'cause you're worried about the wrong shit." I shoved her hand away. She stared at me skeptically for a moment, before moving like a thief in the night and grabbing the bag out of my pocket. I groaned as she looked back and forth between the bag.
"Is this coke?" She asked.
"It's sugar," I lied like she was stupid or something.
"Yeah, booger sugar." She had me there. "You do coke?"
"No," I lied again as she eyed the bag. She looked at me.
"Is it good?" Shit was better than good. It was fucking amazing.
"Don't know." I shrugged. I was going to lie by omission until I couldn't anymore. She bit her lip as she continue to eye the bag.
"Can I try some?"
"Try some of what?"
"MJ I know it's coke. Stop playing stupid. I'm not going to tell anybody." I bit my lip.
I'd probably regret this, but oh well.
"Let's bust it down."
I let Kiana take the first sniff to make sure she was good.
She was great. It took a few minutes to kick in, but when it did, she couldn't stop smiling and giggling.
Once I saw she was good, I did a line. Then she went again. Then we did some together. Then I did some off her titties before I fucked the shit out of her on that bathroom sink.
Was any of it a good idea? No.
But did I get a good idea and feel rejuvenated as I nutted on her thighs? Definitely.
"Aye!!" I yelled as I dragged Kiana into the cabana with me. Everybody in the cabana looked over at me. "I-I want to make a movie for the album!!" Bruno, Phil, Austin and Ari squinted at me, confused. I rubbed my nose as I let go of Kiana's hand. Then I put my hands up. "Okay, I wouldn't say a movie, but a long-form video. A short film. A video album like Beyoncé did for her B'Day album!! But it would be put together like a movie!!"
"Are you drunk?" Austin asked, squinting at me. "Cause I get it, but also you're slurring a little and kind of jumbled."
"Yeah, I'm drunk," I lied plainly. "That's not important though. My idea! Do you like my idea??" They took a moment to think about it.
"Yeah... that'll... that's a great idea," Bruno said, nodding in approval.
"That'll secure a number one if nothing else does," Phil added, nodding. "It's definitely a great idea."
"Yeah, I like that idea, but you gotta have an album to make a video album," Ari jested. "And my boy, you only have half an album." He was right. But like I said, I felt rejuvenated so...
"Let's go to the studio." All my boys' eyes bucked.
"Right now?!"
"I got some ideas and I want to get them out before I forget. Let's go!! You can bring the bitches." I turned to walk away and jumped when I saw Kiana still standing right there. "I guess you can come too."
"I'm the reason you had the idea."
"You're not, but whatever helps you sleep at night," I responded as I walked past her. She followed behind, then my boys and whatever bitches they had followed us.
"Thanks for opening your big ass mouth, Ari," Phil spat.
"I'm sorry."
May 22nd, 2010
3:54 AM
I was the only one still up in the studio. Everybody else ended up crashing mid-session, which was fine. The silence was giving me ample opportunity to think and jot down lyrics.
We had been tossing ideas around for a couple of hours after we left the club. I had written some things here and there, but it wasn't aligning with the album. Specifically, the second half.
I didn't need any more damn love songs, I needed heartbreak songs. And even though it had been a year since things went left, at the moment, I couldn't feel the heartbreak.
I was on a high.
But inevitably, I had to calm down.
I looked around room, tapping my pen softly. Austin and the others slept at the soundboard, the bitches they brought with them from the club were sprawled everywhere, including the floor, and Kiana was knocked out next to me.
It kind of reminded me of when I first started the album, how Jade would be sleeping on the couch with her homework on her lap, waiting for me to finish so we could go home.
I blew out a breath, looking at the ceiling.
I couldn't believe a whole year had gone by. It felt like it had been longer than that but also felt like it had been no time at all.
I still missed her every day. And I especially missed her whenever I came down from a high. That's when it seemed to hit me the most.
I lifted my head back up, ready to write out my feelings.
All alone...
I got something to tell you, but don't know how I'mma say it
I guess that I could only say one thing
Girl, I been bad again
Girl, I been bad again
'Cause with this money comes problems
And with these problems comes solutions
And I use 'em
When I'm faded, I forget
Forget what you mean to me
Hope you know what you mean to meThe party's finished and I want you to know
(I'm all alone...)
I'm feelin' everything before I got upI always want you when I'm (coming down)
I blew out another breath, rereading what I had written before ultimately deciding that this was something I needed to keep to myself.
May 30th, 2010
11:12 AM
Oh tomorrow's just a day you wait
Oh tomorrow is a promise
Where's the fun in forever?
You gotta celebrate
"This is where you want to add a female singer right?" Austin asked for clarification as the fourth verse played. I nodded.
"Alright, we can easily find somebody for that," Ari nodded.
"What is this?!" I heard someone ask from behind us. We all looked back and saw Mica standing at the door, smiling.
"White boy!!" We all greeted.
"Shit, he not looking white no more!" Phil joked and we all laughed. Mica walked over to us and greeted us.
"How was it? Did yall do the non-tourist shit I told yall to do?" Bruno asked him. Bruno was from Honolulu, and that's where Mica and the others with, so he gave him some tips on what spots to visit.
"Why wouldn't I have listened to the expert?" Mica asked and Bruno grinned. "But we can talk about that later. What's this? This is great!" Mica looked at me and I just shrugged in response.
"MJ has been on a roll," Austin answered, looking at Mica. "He got some liquor and some ass, and been doing his thing since then."
"Some ass from who?" Mica asked as the studio door opened. I looked past him before pointing.
"The in-house studio pussy right there," He looked back at Kiana, who sucked her teeth and rolled her eyes. I don't know what she was doing that for, she was studio pussy. I had just got done fucking her a few minutes before Mica came.
"Fuck off MJ," She said as she walked over to the couch and plopped down. I chuckled, looking back at Mica. It seemed like the color had drained from his face. Not that there was much to begin with. "You alright?" He looked at me and nodded.
"Y-yeah. Let me hear what else you've been working on. Or see." I nudged Austin to play him something else. Austin played 'Gorilla' and Mica snickered, nodding. "I like it. Where's it going on the album though?" I shrugged.
"Maybe a bonus track, maybe it won't. Not every song I record can go on the album. I was just getting the juices flowing."
"Shit, it sound like the juices were flowing, alright," Phil joked and we all snickered.
"You nasty, but you right. I got a lot of shit written," I said to Mica, grabbing my notebook off the table. I flipped through it quickly, showing him. "Ooh, and I got this idea for the videos." I threw the notebook back on the table.
"What?"
"I want to do something like the 'Ghosts' short film and the B'Day video album. Instead of the videos being separate, they'll be altogether." Mica smiled.
"I like it. What did your parents say when you told them that?"
"You know they loved it. Especially pops. He actually wants to direct it." Pops had been wanting to get into directing and producing and film period for a while now. Who was I to tell him he couldn't make his debut with my long-form video?
"Aw shit!!" Phil and the others turned around to me. "You ain't tell us your old man was directing it. This about to be a classic!!" I chuckled, nodding. I had a good feeling about this.
"Is Serenity choreographing too? You making this a whole family thing?" Austin asked and my excitement died down a little.
I still wasn't talking to Serenity, and I didn't care to play nice with her to get her to choreograph. But then again, she had choreographed all my videos thus far.
I'd figure out something.
"Look," I said, looking at them. "If we don't get this second half of the album done, I won't be able to make anything. Let's get to work." They all sucked their teeth playfully.
"Man.. weren't you the one who took months to finish a song?" Phil asked as I grabbed my notebook, flipping through it.
"Then had to finish it while no one was around?" Ari added, and I waved them off. I didn't need them to point out the obvious.
"Actually," Mica said, taking his bag off his back and pulling his notebook out. "I have one more song for the first half of the album." Ari, Phil, Bruno and Austin groaned as Mica flipped through the notebook. "I got some songs for the second half too, calm down. But I told MJ we needed something between 'Adorn' and the Interlude, and we do." He handed me the notebook and I saw the title.
Marry You.
"Like I get 'Adorn' was the song you used to propose to her, but 'Marry You' makes it more clear that was the final goal. 'Adorn' is saying 'i'm in love' bur it doesn't feel final. You get it?"
"Yeah," I nodded, reading the lyrics.
If we wake up and you wanna break up, that's cool
There was a twinge of pain in my chest from that lyric, but I liked the song. I looked at Mica.
"Let's do it," I agreed, passing the notebook off to whoever. Mica nodded, smiling before going to put his bookbag down.
I quickly looked back at Kiana to make sure she was good, and saw her watching Mica with a bitter look on her face. I raised my eyebrow. What was her beef with him?
I didn't think too much of it, I really didn't care.
I had an album to finish.